A better you, courtesy of the Holy Spirit

Most of us would like a better version of us. I grow tired of my impatience with others knowing how patient God is with me. I desire a deeper joy, knowing that God has given me so much. I wish to eradicate unkindness from my vocabulary and attitudes having experienced the kindness of Jesus on a daily basis. I want harshness in any form to give way to gentleness and my tendency to act in ways that hurt myself or others to give way to self control. And, for peace to reign in my heart regardless of my circumstances. Yes, I want a better version of me. 


For Christ followers, that better us is not only possible and within reach, it is the direct gift and work of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)." These qualities that make for a better us are a direct derivative of our relationship with Jesus. As we focus on our relationship with Him, this fruit is a natural result in our lives. When I say I want to be a gentler, kinder, version of me, what I am really longing for is more of the Holy Spirit in my life. 


What is interesting about the Spirit's fruit is that it is the opposite of  our natural self which is self centered and selfish. These qualities which come directly from God to us are other centric and directly mirror the graciousness that God has for us - undeserved as it is. In fact, the best way to understand what these qualities look like in real life is to read the Gospels and meditate on the life of Jesus. My greatest desire would be that people look at me and say, "He is like Jesus." That, by the way is the Holy Spirit's plan for our lives as well. Thus He shares His character with us.


We can be proactive in this process. Paul reminds us that "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other (Galatians 5:24-26)." The more we walk with the Spirit, the more of His character becomes our character. The old swapped for the new!


The greatest gifts we could give one another this Christmas, and every day, are the fruit of the Spirit in our words, actions, interactions and attitudes. In doing so, we become Jesus to one another and give what all of us desperately need. In the process, we become a better version of us, courtesy of the Holy Spirit.

Abuse in the church - when the bully is the pastor

As I watch the news of Penn State and Syracuse the thought that keeps running through my mind is "why did otherwise reasonable people either ignore, give a pass or not confront behaviors which it now seems were egregiousness and serious? There are probably several reasons: the perpetrators had power; people didn't want to assume that these upstanding citizens could be doing these things, and a simple failure of courage! 

Let's take that same question and apply it to the church! Why do pastors get away with behaviors that would otherwise be forbidden  even in the secular workplace? Here are some of the behaviors I have observed over the past 20 years of consulting with local churches and I am talking about evangelical churches here.

• Pastors whose insecurities cause them to divide people into two camps. Those who agree with them and are therefor their friends and those who disagree with them and are therefore their enemies. Enemies are ignored, shunted to the side and marginalized. How does that square with loving the flock?
• Pastors who use threats to get their way. Threats as blatant as "I could fire you if you don't do this" or "I will resign if you push me on this." "I don't care if I get zero votes on a confidence vote, I am not leaving and will take the church down with me if I have to."
• Pastors who use inappropriate sexual language or touch and even flirting with the opposite sex in both public places and private situations (counseling).
• Pastors who are intimidated by other strong leaders (who are seen as a threat to their leadership) and make it hard for them to serve in the church.
• Pastors who are unaccountable with their time. When they are away from the church, no staff members has any idea as to where they are or how to reach them.
• Pastors who will not allow their boards to speak into their lives, specific situations that have occurred, conduct executive sessions of the board or give them an annual review. This sends a loud message, "I don't have to be accountable to you."
• Pastors who hire staff without due diligence, don't mentor or coach them on a regular basis and fire them if they become a threat to them or don't perform to their standards. This is a user mentality toward people.
• Pastors who leave their church angry, deliberately dividing the congregation on their way out.
• Pastors who triangulate relationships to form alliances against others whether other staff members, board members or congregants. Not only wrong but a sign of poor emotional intelligence.
• Pastors who will take credit for any advance and find scapegoats for any failure.
• Pastors who use their "God given authority" to lead as they see fit. After all they are "God's anointed." Again, this ignores accountability and shared leadership.
• Pastors who speak ill of board members or congregants even as they become angry if they hear of either group criticizing them. 

Fortunately, the vast majority of pastors I work with are wonderful individuals who are deeply committed Christ followers and models of Christian leadership. But when I see behaviors that are out of the pale and ignored, as they were with Penn State and Syracuse, I have to ask myself why? I understand the unregenerate behavior but I don't understand those surrounding the situation who allow it to continue. Where is the board? Where are members of the congregation who see and are grieved? 

Often pastors who exhibit these characteristics are simply bullies. They get in the face of anyone who tries to speak to their behaviors which is why boards often back off. But why should a board back off and since when do bullies qualify to be pastors of a local church? I think of the qualifications for elders and deacons in the New Testament and the further comments of Peter on the matter and wonder why we allow behaviors that are so contrary to both New Testament teaching and the model of Jesus. 

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

Creating cultures of excellence

Reality Distortion Fields

The phrase was coined by members of Steve Jobs teams when he wanted to convince them that something they all knew to be false was indeed true. They would quietly whisper, "beware of the reality distortion field, don't get caught in it." Steve, with his powerful, over the top persuasive abilities was able to convince a lot of people a lot of things a lot of the time and it all fit his version of reality, his reality distortion field.


The truth is that we all have reality distortion fields which allow us to see reality on our terms. Healthy individuals keep those distortion fields to a minimum while unhealthy individuals allow them to grow and expand until they are literally living in an alternative reality - often quiet separated from reality. 


Some years ago, I was asked by a pastor and board to determine why he and the board were experiencing so much conflict. I interviewed board members, staff members and finally the pastor himself. He was amazed that people felt the way they did about him as he had been living with a picture of himself that was quite different than the picture others had. His distortion field (the level of distortion between his view and reality) would have caused him to likely lose his job if he had not rectified the problem quickly because it was at the root of the conflict between he and the board and staff. 


I have seen reality distortion fields become pathological when an individual becomes so disconnected from reality (yes in ministry) that they actually believe their unhealthy treatment of others is OK and that those they mistreat are actually OK with it as well. Of course, when you do your own inquiry one finds out that this is not the case at all but the defensive mechanisms of the one with a significant reality distortion field protects him or her from the guilt they ought to have for their behavior. Reality distortion fields always provide the perpetrator of poor behavior an alternative explanation which absolves them and places the blame on others. 


Usually, reality distortion fields are allowed to grow (often in leaders) because those around them do not have the courage to confront and tell the individual the truth. There is a reason for the lack of courage. These individuals are very hard to get through to. Their defensiveness is massive and they don't want to hear a version of truth that messes with their reality distortion field. However, the logical outcome of their progression into non reality is narcissism where they can justify anything and eventually implode but only after hurting a great many people. 


I asked one board whose pastor exhibited these tendencies why they had not done a job review in decades. The answer was that the senior pastor was too defensive and threatened by it so they held off, allowing the senior pastor's behavior to escalate and continue to hurt others. This particular pastor would use threats against those who tried to penetrate his defenses. The board actually thought that if they pushed their pastor he would quit since he had threatened on a number of occasions to do so. Ironically it would have been the best thing that could have happened to the church.


Those who live with reality distortion fields are crazy makers to those around them. They so distort reality that those who live in reality start to wonder if they are somehow going nuts and may even be to blame for the chaos that they see around them! It is like the inmates of an insane asylum convincing the staff that they ought to trade places because it is really the staff who are living with reality distortion fields and not the inmates. If you have ever lived or worked close to one with a reality distortion field you know exactly what I am talking about!


If you have a situation like this in your ministry please deal with it. The longer you wait the more distortion takes place and the more distortion takes place the more people get hurt. 

The decision making checklist

Decision making is an art based on good input and good thinking. In any critical decision the following checklist can be helpful to understand the risks and opportunities in the decision.


1. When does the decision need to be made? My philosophy is to wait until the decision needs to be made before pulling the trigger. The more time  I have to "think grey" the more of the implications I can discover.


2. Who will the decision impact? Decision makers often do not think carefully about who will be most impacted by the decision. Be sure you know exactly who will be affected and how?


3. What will the push back be? There is always push back to a critical decision - change is uncomfortable. Brainstorm about the push back you are likely to encounter so that your explanation can answer as many questions up front as possible.


4. What is the upside? Decisions are made because there is some advantage to them. Can you articulate clearly the positive impact that the decision will have for your organization?


5. What are the potential unintended consequences? To the best of your ability, identify the consequences of your decision and even what the unintended consequences might be.


6. Who needs to be consulted? The best decisions are made in consultation with others. Who can speak into your proposed action and bring greater clarity or even alternatives to the table?


7. What is the roll out process for informing people? Process is as important as the decision itself. One may have a brilliant idea but run a bad process leaving people with a bad taste in their mouth regarding the decision. Make sure you know how you are going to process people.


8. Should there be dialogue with the affected people? Once you have your ducks in a row and before the decision goes into affect, is there a forum to dialogue with impacted parties to answer questions and concerns in a non-defensive way.


9. If people have concerns, who should they contact? Make sure there is a place to go with ongoing concerns or questions.

The up side of failure

We all fail, whether in large or small ways. No one is exempt. We mess up a relationship and it fails. We lose our business and it fails. We get a bad review and feel like a failure. We lead a team that fell apart - failure. A divorce, DWI conviction, being fired from our job...there are many definitions of failure. Sometimes it is true failure and sometimes we just feel like a failure. But what is failure?


At its root, failure is the opportunity for growth! It calls the question on whether or not we will learn from our circumstance whether self inflicted or other inflicted. It is an opportunity to start over and evaluate, re-calibrate, engage in God in a new way and see new life. Failure is not fatal but an opportunity. Moses found this out, as did the apostle Peter and King David or in our time, Chuck Colson.


When failure invades our lives it is time to call a time out! Depending on the source of the failure there is a sense of loss, maybe guilt, and certainly deep sadness. Nothing wounds the human spirit like failure. It is a wound, it hurts and like a wound takes time to heal. It is an opportunity and it will either take us to despair or hope.


There is no time when despair is more easy or hope more comforting than in failure. Do we give up or do we look forward in the knowledge that God's grace is greater than our failure and His sovereignty is not diminished by our circumstances. Understanding His goodness and His greatness is the genesis of hope, however small in the pain of failure. Press into Him and that tiny grain of hope will grow. Chuck Colson will tell you that his failure in politics and subsequent jail term was the very thing that forced him to open his heart to hope, in Jesus. Failure is an opportunity for growth! Out of his Colson's failure came a close walk with God, numerous books and the transformation ministry of Prison Fellowship.


Too often we move through life without much inspection of our path or introspection of our heart. Time outs, when we are forced to confront our own weakness and need is a precious gift. If, we take the route of hope and move closer to Jesus. 

Just one thing!

As one year draws to a close and another one begins we often think about new beginnings. There are usually many things we would like to improve on, do differently, or start doing. This is where New Year resolutions come in and they often don't work well - usually because we complicate things.


The key to change in life is keeping it simple - and focused. Consider asking just one question in four areas of life as you look at next year.


What is the one change I would like to make in my personal life?
What is the one change I would like to make in my spiritual life?
What is the one change I would like to make in my professional life?
What is the one change I would like to make in my family life?


Just one thing in four spheres of life!


Changing one thing and actually doing it is far more powerful than trying to do a bunch of things and not accomplishing it. And one thing multiplied by four can be powerful change or new beginnings.


Oh, one other thing. Don't wait until January one. Start today and by the time the new year kicks in you are already practicing one new thing in four key areas of life.


One thing - just one.

What does God want for you today?

Take a moment and consider what God wants for you today. We often consider what He wants of us but what does He want for us?


There is no better answer to that question than the blessing that God Himself gave to the priests in Numbers 7:24-26 to pray over the Israelites. This is His wish, His blessing, His commitment to you, His promise to you today.

The Lord bless you and keep you;

the Lord make his face to shine upon you;

and be gracious to you;

the Lord turn his face toward you

and give you peace.

That is an amazing statement from the God of the universe to us. As you walk through your day today, God is going to bless you. His face is turned toward you and offers you peace no matter the circumstances of your life. And He will be gracious to us! Wow!

What more needs to be said? And just so we would get it, He sent His Son to deliver the message personally.