Five mistakes to avoid in negotiating conflict

Conflict between individuals and organizations can either bring out the best or the worst in us. Too often it is the latter but that does not need to be the case. While conflict is a fact of living in a fallen world, there are ways to negotiate conflict in an honorable and God honoring way. We cannot control the behavior of the other party but we can determine ours. 


Avoid demonizing the opposing party. One of the reasons that conflict becomes so acrimonious so fast and continues to degenerate is that parties demonize the other. In doing so, they paint the other party as all bad. Once we believe that the other party is totally wrong or bad it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and rationale discussion is no longer possible. The other party may be displaying poor EQ, may be faulty in their thinking and may have poor motives but keep from making the conflict personal by demonizing them personally. 


Avoid sweeping statements. Facts matter in conflict. Stating provable and truthful facts is important. Sweeping statements that color the other party, their motives or their behaviors usually move beyond facts to our interpretation of those facts and it raises the level of conflict. If one cannot verify something, it is best not to raise the issue. Stick to what you know, can verify and avoid statements that are simply your assumptions, interpretations or exaggerations, or which go to the motives of the other party which you cannot know for certain.


Don't bring others into your conflict except to help resolve it. Involving others in conflict by rallying them to one's cause simply enlarges the conflict by enlarging the circle of individuals involved. It is like adding fuel to an existing fire and the likelihood is that additional people will be hurt. Keep the conflict between the principle parties and only bring others in to help resolve the issue.


Don't die on anthills. Choose carefully what issues really matter and must be resolved and what issues are trivial and in the end unimportant. Some people are obnoxious about needing to be right about everything. Don't be one of them. Some things just don't matter. 


Don't do it alone. Conflict, especially emotionally charged conflict, can significantly skew our own perspective. Emotions can get in the way of rationale thinking. Talk to someone you trust who can help you keep a proper perspective, counsel you on how to respond and help you avoid responses that will be unhelpful. This is not someone who will simply agree with you but someone who will give you wise counsel and who has no stake in the conflict.


Scripture talks a lot about wisdom, truth, discernment and peace. Conflict is inevitable in a fallen world. Seeking to deal with conflict in ways that honor Jesus and display the Fruit of the Spirit should be our goal. 

Retaining great staff and dealing with their leaving

The quality of the staff we lead is everything in terms of the success of the organization. Two questions regularly present themselves with great staff. How do we retain them and how do we deal with them should they choose to leave. 

I believe that one of our primary responsibilities with staff is to help them develop all the God given potential they have. This means mentoring and coaching, giving them opportunities to grow, ensuring that they are in their "lane" and are using all of their potential. I regularly ask my key staff, "what is your happiness factor?" I am looking for a number on a scale of 1 to 10 and if it is a seven or less I will ask follow up questions to clarify what it is that is causing them to be lower than I would want on the scale. 

This can open up conversations about personal or home issues, or issues on the job: boredom, needing a new challenge, needing a larger platter, desiring to go to the next level and so on. It gives me the opportunity to evaluate options with an individual to re-motivate and sometimes reposition. 

But developing staff comes with another price. When we do the right thing, we may actually develop them out of the organization when their growth leaves them ready for a greater challenge. Perhaps a challenge that we cannot offer. This is where our commitment to wanting our staff to use all their gifts in the greatest possible way meets the real world.

Selfishly we desire that they stay. Unselfishly we must hold them with an open hand - they are not ours - but God's and ultimately we must want what is best for them and be willing to trust them and the Holy Spirit to sort that out. I actually ask my staff members to let me know if they are looking at something else. Some do and some don't but if they do, it allows me to explore their reasons for thinking of leaving, to affirm their gifts, explore options but most of all communicate that we want the best for them and if that is leaving us we will bless them and help them in the process. It can be personally painful but I am convinced that it is the Jesus attitude and that in blessing them, we do the Jesus thing.

We are stewards of our staff on a temporary basis. I desire former staff to look back at their experience with ReachGlobal and say, they cared for me, they developed me, they encouraged me and they held me with an open hand. If they can say that, I am a happy leader.

This is about a spirit of generosity. Selfish leaders want to control staff. Unselfish and generous leaders want the very best for staff and are willing to trust them and the Holy Spirit's leading when it is time to leave.

When I need to grow my EQ

Healthy emotional intelligence is one of the most critical factors in healthy relationships, leadership and marriages. There is a simple way that we can regularly increase our health in this area. It is watching for when we get into trouble with our emotions, reactions, actions or words (all EQ issues) and taking the time to analyze what got us into trouble and what we will do next time to avoid the reactions that troubled us.

Recently I suggested something to my spouse that did not go over very well (not the first time). Obviously my approach was not helpful even if I thought the subject was relevant. But, knowing that I did not successfully communicate, and having thought through the conversation, I will work on a different tact next time. There is no use paying the same dumb tax twice. 

All of us have people, situations or topics that trigger emotions in us and often reactions that we wish afterwards had been different. The good news is that those triggers are signals to us that we need to pay attention to whatever it was that triggered the reaction, ask why we responded the way we did and then come up with a game plan to handle the situation next time.

This is all about managing our shadow side. Managing our emotions and reactions so that they work for us and not against us.  

Emotional triggers are normal. Mature individuals, however, learn to pay attention to them and work to modify those reactions so they do not embarrass themselves, cause additional relational disconnect or respond with the same lack of EQ that the other individual probably used in triggering their emotions.

Each time we experience a reaction on our part that we don't like, it is an opportunity to grow in our ability to handle that situation next time. Usually the more nonreactive we become, learning to manage our outward emotions, the less likely we are to either escalate the situation or say or do something we will later regret.

For leaders, this is especially important because unregulated emotion and reactions can cause serious loss of trust to a leader. The more we pay attention to needed areas of EQ growth the better off we are.

Email and conflict are a bad combination

Email and conflict are a bad combination. Nine times out of ten, email fuels conflict when it is present rather than defuses it. We write things we would not say in person and there is no opportunity for the one we are writing to too see our face, hear our tone or read our body language. Email and conflict are incompatible. It is the shadow side of technology! Somehow it is easier to judge motives and make assumptions when we are not face to face than when we are. 


I confess to being reactive at times on email in a way that I didn't like and was not helpful to the situation. I have a personal saying that I remind myself of often, KMS (Keep Mouth Shut) which has served me well. I add to that DHS (Don't Hit Send) when it comes to email in conflictual situations. I know from experience it will not help and will probably hurt. Like you I have paid dumb tax on this one.


When tempted to send an email in a conflictual situation my advice is  to first wait 24 hours before writing and then to have a trusted friend or colleague read it before hitting send. My best advice is to not engage in conflict via email at all but to send a short reply that says, "Thanks for sharing your concerns, lets find a time to talk by phone or in person." 


For some reason, we are all more reasonable in person than in email. And emails don't go away. In fact they are often passed on to others who we would not want them shared with. Don't put in writing what you don't want others to see. Emails escalate while face to face conversations with reasonable people generally deescalate.   


In conflict, DHS. Instead pick up the phone and talk. Things will go much better. 

Moral freedom and what it tells us about God's love for us

An amazing aspect of being made in the image of God is the gift we were given of moral freedom. It is amazing given the cost God knew He would pay for that gift.

Because mankind was created for relationship with God, it was imperative that they be given the choice of whether to choose or reject Him. To force someone to love another is not love but coercion. God would not coerce His creation. Rather He created Adam and Eve with pure hearts, unmarred by any sin, but still He gave them a choice: They could eat from any tree in the garden except one and if they ate of that one tree they would die.

The fact that God created mankind with moral freedom to choose right or wrong tells us a great deal about Him. Choosing Him and righteousness had to be a free choice if it was to be a true relationship and followership. Adam and Eve had a great advantage that we do not have, they were without a sin nature, so like Jesus who lived a sinless life, they could choose to reject sin. And they did, until that fateful day in the garden when they discovered the awful ramifications of their choice to rebel.

There is another facet to giving mankind this choice to follow or not. God is omniscient, which means that He knows all things, from beginning to end. Thus He knew that in giving mankind moral freedom that they would choose to rebel. He also knew that He would initiate a divine rescue operation that would cost His Son His life on the cross to pay for our sin. Knowing all this, He still chose to create mankind – knowing full well the cost it would require to redeem men and women from their sin.

What this tells us is the value that God places on men and women created in His image. Not only was He willing to create them knowing the outcome but in spite of their rebellion and the cost of reconciling men and women to God, he still desires our love, followership and fellowship.

Paul puts it this way in Romans 5:6-8. "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

 If you ever wonder how much God loves you or desires your love and followership just think of the price he knew he would pay in order to make that love and followership possible.  He created us for fellowship with Him. In order to make that fellowship a free choice on our part he gave us the gift of moral freedom in spite of the cost to Him. That is how much He desires our freely given love and worship.

Three questions regarding your mission

Every good organization has a mission statement. In a really good organization everyone knows the mission statement. It's like a law of the Medes and Persians, you have to have one so we all do. I have helped many organizations develop theirs. So here are three questions regarding the mission statement of your ministry.


First, do you believe in your mission statement? I mean passionately believe that what your mission states is what your organization is called to do. 


Second, how would you honestly evaluate how your ministry is doing in fulfilling that mission? My observation is that there are often massive disconnects between many mission statements and real results. I realize that mission statements are by definition long view statements but nonetheless, what grade would you honestly give the organization you are a part of for results on that mission? Often, the organization is not even configured to actually fulfill the mission except in very general or tangential ways. 


Third, what would it take in organizational realignment to actually deliver well on your mission? Think of a mission as a big arrow pointing in a specific direction. Then think about every part of your organization or ministry and ask whether all the subsidiary arrows are pointed in the same direction as the mission or whether there are many arrows pointed in other directions - doing nice things but not directly contributing to the big arrow.


Now let me go back to question one. Many organizations that have a mission are not really passionate about that mission even when they say they are. How do I know? They are not willing to align all parts of the organization so that all the arrows go in the same direction as the mission. That is when you know the organization - and leadership is passionate. Multi directional arrows are not about mission alignment or fulfillment. 


Missions are meaningless unless the whole organization is truly aligned around that mission. 

Giving up the need to be right

I like to be right. I'll bet you do to! And that need is the cause of many relational breakdowns, especially when two people both need to be right and neither will back down. If you are or have been married, you know exactly what I'm talking about.


Sometimes being right is important, when the issue at stake is high and will impact organizations and lives. Most of the time (95%?) the only issue at stake is our own ego and personal "needs."

Why do we need to be right? What would change if we didn't care if others acknowledged whether we were right or not? If we gave up that right what would happen? 


Many conflicts would be shorter or even non-existent. We would let go of issues quicker. We would probably be healthier and happier without the baggage of needing to be right. It may have something to do with not letting the sun go down on our wrath and forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave us. If we wait till others acknowledge we are right and in consequence they are wrong it can be a long ugly wait.


I'm just thinking of giving up the need to be right. It would solve a lot of problems. If you don't agree, don't tell me because then I need to decide if I'm serious or not.