Slippery truth and its signs

From time to time I run across people who I start to realize are slippery with the truth. Behind a veneer of spirituality and Christian words they have the ability to spin any situation in a way that makes them look good and which justifies their actions, even when those actions are clearly problematic.

Slippery truth is nothing less than lying and if you do it long enough it is possible to no longer even realize that one is not being honest. The habit turns truth telling into spin and that spin is so ingrained that the one doing it starts to believe their own distorted version of truth. It actually becomes truth to them because they not only convince others but themselves of their version.

What are the signs of slippery truth?

First when explanations over time do not square with the facts as you know them or are used to justify unwise, dishonest or self-serving actions. Those explanations may be framed with sincerity and even spiritual language but your gut says that the truth has been reframed for personal reasons.

Second, when what is communicated is consistently that the individual is right and others are wrong. Or, that your interpretation of events and actions is faulty and theirs is correct. It is spin to exonerate self by the refashioning of truth.

Third, when clearly serious issues are downplayed as insignificant or unimportant and explanations given that are clearly meant to minimize what others would consider serious. Minimization of what others consider serious ethical or moral issues is a definite sign of spin to justify otherwise problematic behaviors.

Fourth, when an individual tries to simply talk himself or herself out of an otherwise clear moral or ethical bind. Some people think that if they talk enough, long enough and from enough angles that they can avoid accountability for their actions.

These behaviors become deeply destructive over time because they start to become truth for the one practicing them, hence my name slippery truth which is not truth at all. Second, the habit of engaging in slippery truth and can turn into pathological lying. I know a few of those and they are or have been Christian leaders. Third, these behaviors fuel narcissism because they are designed to protect the self at the expense of others and truth becomes whatever is convenient and helpful to the individual, which of course is not truth at all but dishonesty.

The Scriptures have a great deal to say about truth. God is a God of truth. Jesus came in truth and grace. Dishonesty in any form is anathema to God (see Proverbs and the Psalms). Furthermore, the center of a healthy life is one that is undivided and the only route to an integrated inner life is a life of truth. The Devil is called the Father of Lies. For those who may be tempted by slippery truth they need to understand that it is a path of the evil one while truth is the path of God.

Don’t be fooled by people who exhibit slippery truth even if they are considered church leaders or ministry leaders. Slippery truth is dishonesty plain and simple. We ought to call it for what it is and treat it for what it is: a lie.

Don't pick a fight where there isn't one

I was in a meeting recently where someone kept pushing on a certain issue they were passionate about which was not the focus of the meeting. They were trying to push a personal agenda and finally the moderator said "Don't pick a fight where there isn't one." 

It was good advice! There are people who have deep convictions or hobby horses on specific issues and want to create controversy among others so that they adopt there view. The truth is, I can respect the views of others without needing to agree with them or endorse their ideas. It happens all the time.

All of us have issues we are passionate about. It is not necessary that we push our convictions on others which often creates conflict. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one! We can live out our convictions without insisting others agree with them. My convictions are mine, yours are yours and sometimes they overlap and other times they don't - at least as non-negotiables. When Paul says to try to live at peace with all men he is encouraging us to be peacemakers rather than creating controversy.

I find that when people seek to pick a fight over an issue they are often black and white folks who cannot understand that people can have a range of views on the subject. Or that others can have different views and be completely rational people. And even love Jesus. Share your convictions but don't insist that others agree with them. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one.

Eating your teeth

"Eating your teeth" the ultimate expression of frustration in the African language of Lingala. It is used when there seems to be no way to get things done or because it is taking forever to do so. It is one of the best descriptions of the frustrations that local church leaders often face when their governance structure is not designed for effective and timely decision making. And, it is not necessary.

We often forget that our church governance structure should serve our mission rather than the mission serving our structure. It always amazes me when we choose to live with antiquated governance structures that create difficulty in delivering on ministry which has eternal implications. What may have worked at one stage of a church's history often does not work in another. Yet we are slow to adjust leaving frustration behind.

Jesus designed the church to be the most organic, effective and flexible institution on the face of the earth. We often allow it to become institutional, inflexible and relatively ineffective. But it need not be that way. We choose whether our structures will serve our mission and therefor Christ's mission. We choose whether we will organize for greatest effectiveness. We choose!

There is no need to eat our teeth. 

Signs of good and bad EQ

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is the ability to understand ourselves, know what drives us, accurately understand how we are perceived by others, and understand how we relate to others. EQ measures whether we have the relational skills to work synergistically with others while being ‘self defining’ and allowing others to speak into our lives or work without defensiveness. Many of the actions, responses, attitudes and relational tendencies relate to our EQ. Healthy leadership therefore requires healthy EQ since leadership is all about relationships and people. One can lead from a position of authority with poor EQ but one cannot lead through deep influence without healthy EQ.

I believe that we pay far too little attention to issues of EQ in the hiring of leaders, building of teams or in our own lives. There are many brilliant individuals whose poor emotional intelligence leaves havoc in their wake. Poor emotional intelligence on the part of leaders is the major cause of relational and leadership issues. It is an issue every leader needs to pay close attention to. Those who do not end up hurting their leadership and the organization they lead. Several key issues of EQ stand out for leaders.

Consider these signs of poor EQ

• Defensiveness
• Inability to resolve conflict or negotiate differences in a healthy way
• Lack of empathy and understanding leaving people feeling hurt
• Marginalization of those who disagree with us
• Narcissism, where it is all about “me”
• A need to get our own way
• Control of others rather than empowerment
• Inapproachability by staff, volunteers or board members
• Use of spiritual terms like “God told me” or “spiritual warfare” to shut down discussion
• Lack of flexibility and ability to negotiate issues for a win/win solution
• Holding grudges and lack of forgiveness
• Inability to play on a team
• A history of relational problems with people one has worked with
• Lack of sensitivity to how actions, behaviors or words affect others
• Personal insecurity
• Inability to be self defining while maintaining good relationships
• Attitudes of cynicism and mistrust toward others
• A poor understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses
• A victim mentality where we are the victims and it is always someone else’s fault when conflict occurs
• Seeing the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys and not much in between leading to the demonization of others
• Needing to be popular
• Becoming enmeshed in other people’s issues
• High personal anxiety over aspects of my job
• Saying one thing to one individual and another thing to others

Consider these signs of good EQ

• I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
• I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
• I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
• I live with self confidence but not hubris
• I am highly flexible
• I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
• I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
• I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
• I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
• I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
• I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
• When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
• There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
• I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
• I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

I just wish someone would listen

I am currently staying at a hotel in Kinshasa, Congo, a sprawling city of some 12 million people. My hotel stay has been both a blessing (running water, electricity, a toilet and air conditioning) and a lesson in patience (worst internet service ever, marginal food and terrible service).

The service thing! What is that? It seems to be non-existent in my hotel. That I am paying to stay here seems to staff a privilege rather than the right to expect service. 

The other day I needed TP which had not been restocked by the maid cleaning the room. I made three calls to the front desk with them telling me each time it was on the way. When it never arrived I went down the front desk in person, told them I was not leaving until the TP arrived and just waited. The front desk guy calls the general manager of the hotel (I guess it takes his OK for everything) who OK'd the TP. Three hours of frustration and no one cared. Time after time I have been told that something cannot be done.

Another thing. The guy who runs the hotel is Chinese (like many enterprises in Congo, the hotel is owned by a firm in China) who doesn't speak French and the folks who work in the hotel don't speak Chinese so communication is a constant issue. And of course almost no-one speaks English notwithstanding the fact that they have contracts with the US Embassy and the UN. All of which means that getting a problem explained from English to French to Chinese back to French and back to English is well - a recipe for major frustration. The guy who actually runs security for the hotel (a big deal in Kinshasa) has to speak to the General Manager through an interpreter which seems just a mite bit scary. I'm thinking the US Embassy would not like that scenario.

So I could go on but will forgo my other issues like the day it took all afternoon and conversations with eight people to get a room change. (Yes it came down to the GM in the end. He must be a really busy guy because it is a big hotel.) But I found myself really wanting to just talk to someone who would listen about the frustrations I had. I tried numerous times but everyone seemed to shrug their shoulders and say sorry and do nothing about it.

Then riding up the elevator last evening I met a guy from France who runs the hotel's restaurants and told him my list of woes about the service in the hotel. This guy (Angel) stayed on the elevator until he got to my floor, listened carefully, apologized profusely and told me the inside story. Evidently I was not the only one who experienced frustration and the GM who had to be called to give me TP was just yesterday dispatched home and a new GM has arrived to whip the place into shape.

The fact that I found someone who would genuinely listen to me, respond non-defensively and really care - and told me to call him if I encountered any more issues evaporated most of my frustration.

Which got me to thinking about a principle. When people are frustrated for whatever reason, if there is no one to listen and dialogue that frustration can turn into anger, bitterness and untrue assumptions. I see it in churches all the time. But when a leader will sit down and genuinely listen, be non-defensive and genuinely want to understand it makes all the difference in the world. You may or may not be able to solve the problem but listening and understanding is half the battle.

Until Angel came along, no one listened or seemed to care which caused frustration. His listening and and non-defensive attitude made all the difference. A lesson for all of us. Next time I have a problem Angle is my phone call rather than the front desk. And he does speak English. 

Oh, now I know why I should have paid attention to my French classes in Junior high. But I guess it is too late.

Growing our leadership effectiveness

For those leaders young or mature who desire to grow their effectiveness - and the need for growth never diminishes as long as we are leading - here are some suggestions.

Spend time with other good leaders
It is amazing what even excellent leaders learn in dialogue with other good leaders. In fact, it will rub off both ways. Really good leaders are really good thinkers and I always learn new insights when I am around other good leaders. 

Reflect often
Leaders are busy and busyness robs us of the opportunity to reflect on critical issues we are facing. Simply slowing down for a day or a season so that one has time to reflect will harvest many ideas that would not otherwise come.

Stay focused
The best leaders do a few critical things well and don't allow themselves to be distracted by the ancillary or urgent in place of the important. One of the benefits of reflection is that it allows focus. Lack of reflection leads to lack of focus. Put on paper those truly important things for you to pay attention to and keep that in front of you.

Know what your big rocks are
There are big rocks, little rocks, pebbles and sand. For leaders, the majority of their time needs to be on the big rocks rather than the place that many leaders gravitate too. It is part of staying focused.

Think future
Leaders must lead their team or organization into the future. That means we need to be identifying the way forward. No one else will think of the future for us. Again time for reflection becomes critical.

Don't ignore threats
Effective leaders have a radar for threats to the health of their team or the success of the organization. Often threats are not pleasant but the more effectively they are addressed the better the future. This is an area of needed growth for many.

Read selectively
Maybe ten percent of what is on the market in the leadership arena is worth reading. Swap articles and blogs with other leaders you know that will stimulate your thinking. we are looking for that one good idea that is worth applying - in our way.

Lead from who God made you to be
God wired and gifted us uniquely. The more we understand our own gifting the better we will lead - if we are willing to lead out of those strengths. We can never lead like someone else. We can learn from them but we must lead from who God made us to be. The more we understand us, the better we will lead.

From the archives: Life as a journey from brockeness to wholeness

There are many ways of looking at the journey of life but I am convinced that one of the most important is seeing it as a journey from brokenness to wholeness through our walk with Jesus. One of the ironies of age is that the older we grow the more cognizant we are of our own sinfulness and inherent brokenness. That in itself is a great blessing because it sets us on a path toward the kind of life wholeness that Jesus came to bring. 

One of the most encouraging things Jesus said was that he had come so that we could "have life and have it to the full." The New Living Translation puts it this way. "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." Jesus desires to enter into our brokenness and bring wholeness - in all areas of life and in all those places where our own fallen nature and sin has brought pain or lessened the joy of life. 

We often look at our sinful tendencies with despair, knowing how often we fall into them and hurt ourselves. Jesus, however, looks at them with hope - the hope that comes from knowing that He came to lift us out of that misery and lead us to a life of greater and greater satisfaction in Him as we cooperate with the Holy Spirit to move from sinful tendencies to righteous tendencies. Jesus is under no illusions as to who we are by ourselves. He has a high and amazing view of who we can be - and are - through His redemption of our lives:

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory (Ephesians 1:11-14)."

We need to start seeing ourselves as Jesus sees us and in response to his high and exalted view of who He has made us to be, press into those areas where we still live with brokenness and work with Him toward greater wholeness. It is not necessary to live with the disappointment of our brokenness. Rather we can see life as a journey with Christ toward wholeness and do our part in putting off those things that hold us back and put on those things that are like Him and will lead us forward. 

Let's get practical: What is the one thing God has been talking to you about regarding your need to move from brokenness to wholeness? Are you/we willing to focus on that one thing for the next month and allow Him with your cooperation to take the next healing step of your journey? 


There will be a day when we are completely whole - when we see Jesus face to face. The greatest gift we can give to Him and to ourselves until that day is to keep walking from what we were to what God created us to be. It is a journey of hope, healing, anticipation, ever increasing joy as our hearts become more like His heart. Remember we were made in His image and while that image was compromised by sin, He came to reclaim us and His image in us.