Church boards and church culture

From the archives

I do not believe that most church boards understand the direct correlation between the health of their relationships and practices as a board and the health of relationships and practices within the congregation. Generally speaking, there is an almost one to one correlation between how a board does relationships and behaves and what happens in the congregation itself. To put it directly: The congregation takes its cues as to what is acceptable behavior from its leadership.

I once worked with a board that was not unified over an important decision – even though the board had made a decision. Because this board did not have a covenant of behavior, several board members who didn't agree with the decision continued to bring their issues up at the board level. And, they shared their views outside the board meeting so the lack of unity on the board spilled over to a lack of unity as a congregation – a situation that could caused the congregation great pain in days that followed.

Here are some issues for boards to consider that directly impact the congregation as a whole.

• Do we encourage candid discussion in board meetings but once a decision is made all support that decision in all settings?

• Do we keep board discussions confidential?

• Do we resolve personal differences quickly and biblically? 
• Do we have a covenant of how we work and relate to one another and deal with board members who violate the terms of that board covenant?

• Are we able to set personal agenda’s aside for the health of the church and are we able to set our pride aside and support the decision of the group even when it is not the one we would have made?

• Do we have a culture of spiritual dependence in our deliberations?

Boards must understand that their commitments and behaviors will be mirrored in the congregation as a whole. To the extent that they are healthy they are likely to have a healthy congregation – or the opposite if unhealthy. The health of your church is directly related to the health of your board.

If you serve on an unhealthy church board I would encourage you to speak up and name the elephant in the room. Don't simply accept poor board behavior because in doing so you are hurting the very church that you are called to lead. There is too much silence in too many church boards over too much problematic behavior that directly impacts the spiritual health of the congregation.

Grace can be irritating and inconvenient

We all love grace when we need it, and we need a lot of it. At the same time, there are times when we are called to extend grace in difficult circumstances where we would rather wash our hands of a mess that someone has created and be done with it. Certainly society can be very unforgiving – and the workplace the same.

Christian organizations and the church dance to the tune of a grace filled Lord which means that there are times when we are called to clean up messed up lives and give people a way toward greater health when they have made a mess of them. It is often not our first choice, it is often thankless work and we do it for one reason only: God extended grace to us and we are to extend grace to another.

It is easy to abandon people who find themselves in trouble of their own making. After all they created the mess, why should we help them get out of it. That line of thinking works until we realize that Jesus stepped into our mess when we didn’t deserve it. He did the hard thing of joining us in our mess and dying to redeem us and our mess. Not one person would be in relationship with God without Him doing the inconvenient and paying the ultimate cost.

This does not mean that grace is easy. It is not easy for those who extend it. And for those who need to receive it there must also be truth (Jesus was full of grace and truth). Truth requires those in trouble to take ownership of their sin and situation, be honest with themselves and others and do what they need to do to see inner healing and restitution where necessary.

In fact, part of the burden of grace extenders is that they also must help individuals who often don’t want to face the full burden of their mess to see what is true and confront what is in their hearts. These are hard conversations and there are many who fight the process, want to circumvent the full truth and simply move on. Grace extenders must be truth tellers and willing to go back and back and back if necessary and insist on transparency.

Not everyone responds to the combination of grace and truth but grace without truth is hollow and truth without grace is harsh. Only the one who needs grace can decide whether they will take it. We cannot force it. They must decide to embrace it – along with the path toward wholeness and restoration. To run from grace is foolish but to face the truth one must humble themself – a bridge too far for those whose pride is larger than their willingness to face truth.

Extending grace can be irritating (why did they do what they did?), inconvenient (Now I must deal with someone else’s mess), difficult (I must confront and hold another accountable) and time consuming (there is never a good time for a mess). But in the end it is far less than what Jesus did and does for us and that is the reason we extend the unmerited, undeserved favor of grace.

Slippery truth and its signs

From time to time I run across people who I start to realize are slippery with the truth. Behind a veneer of spirituality and Christian words they have the ability to spin any situation in a way that makes them look good and which justifies their actions, even when those actions are clearly problematic.

Slippery truth is nothing less than lying and if you do it long enough it is possible to no longer even realize that one is not being honest. The habit turns truth telling into spin and that spin is so ingrained that the one doing it starts to believe their own distorted version of truth. It actually becomes truth to them because they not only convince others but themselves of their version.

What are the signs of slippery truth?

First when explanations over time do not square with the facts as you know them or are used to justify unwise, dishonest or self-serving actions. Those explanations may be framed with sincerity and even spiritual language but your gut says that the truth has been reframed for personal reasons.

Second, when what is communicated is consistently that the individual is right and others are wrong. Or, that your interpretation of events and actions is faulty and theirs is correct. It is spin to exonerate self by the refashioning of truth.

Third, when clearly serious issues are downplayed as insignificant or unimportant and explanations given that are clearly meant to minimize what others would consider serious. Minimization of what others consider serious ethical or moral issues is a definite sign of spin to justify otherwise problematic behaviors.

Fourth, when an individual tries to simply talk himself or herself out of an otherwise clear moral or ethical bind. Some people think that if they talk enough, long enough and from enough angles that they can avoid accountability for their actions.

These behaviors become deeply destructive over time because they start to become truth for the one practicing them, hence my name slippery truth which is not truth at all. Second, the habit of engaging in slippery truth and can turn into pathological lying. I know a few of those and they are or have been Christian leaders. Third, these behaviors fuel narcissism because they are designed to protect the self at the expense of others and truth becomes whatever is convenient and helpful to the individual, which of course is not truth at all but dishonesty.

The Scriptures have a great deal to say about truth. God is a God of truth. Jesus came in truth and grace. Dishonesty in any form is anathema to God (see Proverbs and the Psalms). Furthermore, the center of a healthy life is one that is undivided and the only route to an integrated inner life is a life of truth. The Devil is called the Father of Lies. For those who may be tempted by slippery truth they need to understand that it is a path of the evil one while truth is the path of God.

Don’t be fooled by people who exhibit slippery truth even if they are considered church leaders or ministry leaders. Slippery truth is dishonesty plain and simple. We ought to call it for what it is and treat it for what it is: a lie.

Don't pick a fight where there isn't one

I was in a meeting recently where someone kept pushing on a certain issue they were passionate about which was not the focus of the meeting. They were trying to push a personal agenda and finally the moderator said "Don't pick a fight where there isn't one." 

It was good advice! There are people who have deep convictions or hobby horses on specific issues and want to create controversy among others so that they adopt there view. The truth is, I can respect the views of others without needing to agree with them or endorse their ideas. It happens all the time.

All of us have issues we are passionate about. It is not necessary that we push our convictions on others which often creates conflict. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one! We can live out our convictions without insisting others agree with them. My convictions are mine, yours are yours and sometimes they overlap and other times they don't - at least as non-negotiables. When Paul says to try to live at peace with all men he is encouraging us to be peacemakers rather than creating controversy.

I find that when people seek to pick a fight over an issue they are often black and white folks who cannot understand that people can have a range of views on the subject. Or that others can have different views and be completely rational people. And even love Jesus. Share your convictions but don't insist that others agree with them. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one.

Eating your teeth

"Eating your teeth" the ultimate expression of frustration in the African language of Lingala. It is used when there seems to be no way to get things done or because it is taking forever to do so. It is one of the best descriptions of the frustrations that local church leaders often face when their governance structure is not designed for effective and timely decision making. And, it is not necessary.

We often forget that our church governance structure should serve our mission rather than the mission serving our structure. It always amazes me when we choose to live with antiquated governance structures that create difficulty in delivering on ministry which has eternal implications. What may have worked at one stage of a church's history often does not work in another. Yet we are slow to adjust leaving frustration behind.

Jesus designed the church to be the most organic, effective and flexible institution on the face of the earth. We often allow it to become institutional, inflexible and relatively ineffective. But it need not be that way. We choose whether our structures will serve our mission and therefor Christ's mission. We choose whether we will organize for greatest effectiveness. We choose!

There is no need to eat our teeth. 

Signs of good and bad EQ

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is the ability to understand ourselves, know what drives us, accurately understand how we are perceived by others, and understand how we relate to others. EQ measures whether we have the relational skills to work synergistically with others while being ‘self defining’ and allowing others to speak into our lives or work without defensiveness. Many of the actions, responses, attitudes and relational tendencies relate to our EQ. Healthy leadership therefore requires healthy EQ since leadership is all about relationships and people. One can lead from a position of authority with poor EQ but one cannot lead through deep influence without healthy EQ.

I believe that we pay far too little attention to issues of EQ in the hiring of leaders, building of teams or in our own lives. There are many brilliant individuals whose poor emotional intelligence leaves havoc in their wake. Poor emotional intelligence on the part of leaders is the major cause of relational and leadership issues. It is an issue every leader needs to pay close attention to. Those who do not end up hurting their leadership and the organization they lead. Several key issues of EQ stand out for leaders.

Consider these signs of poor EQ

• Defensiveness
• Inability to resolve conflict or negotiate differences in a healthy way
• Lack of empathy and understanding leaving people feeling hurt
• Marginalization of those who disagree with us
• Narcissism, where it is all about “me”
• A need to get our own way
• Control of others rather than empowerment
• Inapproachability by staff, volunteers or board members
• Use of spiritual terms like “God told me” or “spiritual warfare” to shut down discussion
• Lack of flexibility and ability to negotiate issues for a win/win solution
• Holding grudges and lack of forgiveness
• Inability to play on a team
• A history of relational problems with people one has worked with
• Lack of sensitivity to how actions, behaviors or words affect others
• Personal insecurity
• Inability to be self defining while maintaining good relationships
• Attitudes of cynicism and mistrust toward others
• A poor understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses
• A victim mentality where we are the victims and it is always someone else’s fault when conflict occurs
• Seeing the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys and not much in between leading to the demonization of others
• Needing to be popular
• Becoming enmeshed in other people’s issues
• High personal anxiety over aspects of my job
• Saying one thing to one individual and another thing to others

Consider these signs of good EQ

• I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
• I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
• I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
• I live with self confidence but not hubris
• I am highly flexible
• I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
• I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
• I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
• I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
• I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
• I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
• When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
• There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
• I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
• I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

I just wish someone would listen

I am currently staying at a hotel in Kinshasa, Congo, a sprawling city of some 12 million people. My hotel stay has been both a blessing (running water, electricity, a toilet and air conditioning) and a lesson in patience (worst internet service ever, marginal food and terrible service).

The service thing! What is that? It seems to be non-existent in my hotel. That I am paying to stay here seems to staff a privilege rather than the right to expect service. 

The other day I needed TP which had not been restocked by the maid cleaning the room. I made three calls to the front desk with them telling me each time it was on the way. When it never arrived I went down the front desk in person, told them I was not leaving until the TP arrived and just waited. The front desk guy calls the general manager of the hotel (I guess it takes his OK for everything) who OK'd the TP. Three hours of frustration and no one cared. Time after time I have been told that something cannot be done.

Another thing. The guy who runs the hotel is Chinese (like many enterprises in Congo, the hotel is owned by a firm in China) who doesn't speak French and the folks who work in the hotel don't speak Chinese so communication is a constant issue. And of course almost no-one speaks English notwithstanding the fact that they have contracts with the US Embassy and the UN. All of which means that getting a problem explained from English to French to Chinese back to French and back to English is well - a recipe for major frustration. The guy who actually runs security for the hotel (a big deal in Kinshasa) has to speak to the General Manager through an interpreter which seems just a mite bit scary. I'm thinking the US Embassy would not like that scenario.

So I could go on but will forgo my other issues like the day it took all afternoon and conversations with eight people to get a room change. (Yes it came down to the GM in the end. He must be a really busy guy because it is a big hotel.) But I found myself really wanting to just talk to someone who would listen about the frustrations I had. I tried numerous times but everyone seemed to shrug their shoulders and say sorry and do nothing about it.

Then riding up the elevator last evening I met a guy from France who runs the hotel's restaurants and told him my list of woes about the service in the hotel. This guy (Angel) stayed on the elevator until he got to my floor, listened carefully, apologized profusely and told me the inside story. Evidently I was not the only one who experienced frustration and the GM who had to be called to give me TP was just yesterday dispatched home and a new GM has arrived to whip the place into shape.

The fact that I found someone who would genuinely listen to me, respond non-defensively and really care - and told me to call him if I encountered any more issues evaporated most of my frustration.

Which got me to thinking about a principle. When people are frustrated for whatever reason, if there is no one to listen and dialogue that frustration can turn into anger, bitterness and untrue assumptions. I see it in churches all the time. But when a leader will sit down and genuinely listen, be non-defensive and genuinely want to understand it makes all the difference in the world. You may or may not be able to solve the problem but listening and understanding is half the battle.

Until Angel came along, no one listened or seemed to care which caused frustration. His listening and and non-defensive attitude made all the difference. A lesson for all of us. Next time I have a problem Angle is my phone call rather than the front desk. And he does speak English. 

Oh, now I know why I should have paid attention to my French classes in Junior high. But I guess it is too late.