Three questions for every church leader

There are three questions church leaders should ask on a periodic basis. First, Can you describe in a concise fashion what success looks like for your ministry? I am talking thirty seconds or less, specific and shared by all leaders. 

Second, can you defend that definition from Scripture? In other words is it a New Testament definition of success or is it a cultural definition of success - there is a difference.

Third, How are you doing against your description of success - honestly! What if anything do you need to do differently.

Three questions, huge implications.

Teaching our children and grandchildren how to think

The art of thinking critically is being lost in the west at an amazing rate. The spirit of relativism, television, the loss of reading, popular culture all conspire to rob our kids and grand kids of the most important skill they could every acquire, the ability to think, to reason, to work through a problem logically and come to a logical conclusion. We cannot change the world in which our kids and grand kids live but we can give them the gift of helping them to think well.


With our two boys the forum for thinking was often our dinner table. Anything was fair game from politics, to church, to work issues to current events or the drama at school. In those conversations we would often ask questions to draw out their thinking. The boys would challenge us and one another and we them. It was a wonderful conversational free for all that put ideas on the table and didn't separate adult conversation from kids conversation. Often the conversation was alternatively serious and then very funny. 


Kids love to talk, play with ideas and express themselves. The simple act of dialogue where there is a back and fourth with lots of questions that help them clarify their thinking, reasoning and conclusions is a gift that will stick with them for a lifetime. In the process they learn critical thinking skills that help them separate current sophistry from truth.


In fact, helping kids understand that there is truth, that there are absolutes that we can count on is huge today because the relativism they grow up with in school is "you have your truth, I have my truth and both are true" (a non sequitur if there ever was one: But wait, that is logic!).  That kind of garbage thinking is raising a whole generation of kids to believe that anything and everything can be true simply because one believes it. As the British would say, that is pure, unadulterated rubbish! The shallowness of our political dialogue today is testimony to the fact that politicians count on the fact that people don't think. So much of what is said is pure rubbish but taken as fact.


All of this means taking time with our kids and grand kids. Their ability to think well impacts their faith, their personal lives and their vocations. It separates those who get their truth from Oprah and Chopra and those who understand real truth from Scripture. The ability to reason, to work through an issue logically and be able to defend it with real facts is a dying but necessary skill to successfully negotiate life and faith. Make that investment in the next generation and you will have given them a great gift.

Church bullies

Many of my most read blogs have to do with relationships within the church and behaviors that are problematic, toxic and which actually destroy the very ministry results that we long to see.  Recently, as a result of one of these blogs I received the following two questions from one of my readers who is on staff in a local church and close enough to the inner workings of the church to know what is happening. Here are his questions:

"What I do not understand is why pastors feel that they need to allow an individual to be repeatedly belligerent to them? Repeatedly derogatory, accusatory, disrespectful, etc.?  Repeatedly approach as a bully?

Unfortunately, I have also seen the belligerent person be the local ministry head who is "attacking" the other members of the staff on a consistent, random basis as to who is the scapegoat for the day.  In this situation it is not a pastor who is doing the attacking but a manager in a Christian ministry."

Let's take the first question first. Here a pastor is mistreated by  an individual in the church, someone whose actions are that of a "bully" but is not able to say "You cannot treat me this way." Why do pastors put up with behaviors which would never be acceptable in a healthy secular workplace?

Having been in those shoes I believe that one of the primary reason pastors don't put their foot down is that they don't believe that they will be backed up by their board if they do so. Pastors should be able to say to a bully, "Joe, you cannot treat me like this and if it happens again, we will have no further conversations without a board member present and I will share with the board what is happening in our conversations. While you are entitled to your opinions, you cannot pressure me with them nor can you treat me in a disrespectful manner. I don't treat you that way, I don't speak to you that way and it is unacceptable in God's church for you to do that with me. So we will never have another conversation like this without it going to the board and without a third person present." 

In order for a pastor to be that defining he needs to know that his board will back him up - completely. Unfortunately, weak boards are often cowards when dealing with bullies in the church. They are afraid of them and often will not confront them. That is why church bullies (often former leaders) get away with unconscionable behavior that is toxic to the church as a whole. And, why pastors are often helpless to deal with the behavior. If the board will not back them up, they will eventually give up or choose to leave. Usually the bully knows that the board will not choose to confront them and sometimes is on the board.

Here is the thing about church bullies. When confronted they usually run because they hate accountability. Boards need to agree that there are certain behaviors that are illegal in the church - they violate Scripture. Read Ephesians on relationships or 1 and 2 Timothy on dealing with contentious behaviors. One of the responsibilities of leaders is to protect the flock from divisive behavior and that is exactly what this is. Boards that allow such behavior and don't protect the pastor from bullies ought to resign and let someone who will lead. It is that simple. Often, because boards will not act, good pastors simply choose to leave and the scenario plays itself out over and over and over.  I know a church well that has played this scenario over for over 30 years now.

If I were a pastor today I would confront such behavior as suggested above and if my board chose not to support me in this I would resign. No pastor can be successful in a situation where toxic behavior is not addressed. Churches get what they deserve in terms of leadership. Good leadership brings good ministry. Poor leadership brings poor results. 

If the board is willing to support the pastor against toxic behavior but the pastor cannot confront a bully, the board needs to step in when they hear about it and deal with it for him. One of their roles is to protect the pastor. But in the end, it is the board that either allows bullies to operate or not. By the way, bullies are often perceived as "influential" in the church which is why boards will not deal with them. In the church, one does what is right whether the offender is influential or not. You deal with it biblically (Matthew 18) but leaders must deal with it and will answer to the Lord of the Church for how they do or do not handle it (2 Peter 5).

The second question suggests that the bully is a manager of a ministry. In my world, this individual would be dealt with very quickly and we would let him/her know in no uncertain terms that this behavior is unacceptable and incompatible with who we are as a ministry. Remember that behaviors we accept among staff, leaders or pastors are seen as normative in the church. In allowing toxic behavior to exist at that level, you are condoning toxic behavior at the congregational level. Again, I would suggest a failure of leadership for this behavior by a manager of a ministry to be tolerated by staff and board. 

Sometimes, by the way it is the senior pastor who is a bully, who has an agenda that is his and forces the board to accept that agenda. This is equally unhealthy and unacceptable as leadership in the church is a shared leadership of godly individuals. No one individual should have the power to force others to do their personal will. Healthy boards insist that the directional decisions of the church are corporate decisions, not just that of the senior pastor. Weak boards accede to pressure whether from a pastor or other bully in the church. In either case, it is toxic, unhealthy and wrong.

If you look at the "popular blog listing" on my blog site it lists the top ten blogs in the past thirty days. At any time, many of these have to do with dysfunctional relationships in the church. The problem is ubiquitous and boards have a lot to do with the problem. I predict this blog will end up on that list quickly because there are many bullies who are given free reign in many churches. It is time to call a halt to behaviors that diminish the name of Jesus in the very institution that is designed to lift His name high. If you have such a problem please, in the name of Jesus, deal with it. It is His reputation that is on the line.

For more help on this and related issues, pick up a copy of my book, High Impact Church Boards in paperback or on Kindle. It deals with the real life issues churches face.

When does one know their job is done?

Nothing lasts forever but often we treat our job as if it does. In the business world this often comes with a rude awakening when someone else tells us that our job is finished. In the ministry world that is less true but all of us need to be aware that we serve for a season in the role we are in and there comes a time when transition is healthy. The question is, how do we know when that is?

The board/supervisor check: This is where we start getting signals from our board or supervisor that we should perhaps think about transition. Take those signals seriously and engage your supervisor or board in dialogue around them. It is not unusual for boards or supervisors to try to communicate in a gentle way that it is time, but for people not to hear. Even if one disagrees with the sentiment, the issue has been raised and needs to be addressed so that it is not "the elephant in the room." The bottom line is that it is hard to serve without the support of one's supervisor or board so entering into conversation rather than ignoring it is critical.

The gut check: I have accomplished what I set out to do. Some of us came into our roles with a vision of what needed to be accomplished and there comes a day when it is. The question then becomes, has God given me a new vision for the next run or having accomplished what I came to accomplish is it time to look for a new role (whether in the same organization or not)? 

The boredom check: Boredom is a sign that we are not in the right role anymore and we either need to reinvent our role or look for another role that will utilize all whom God made us to be. I was once in that place. I did the job well and no one was complaining but I was bored which was a sign that I had outlasted my shelf life in that role. When our heart is no longer in what we are doing, no matter how good we can do it, it is time to move on.

The next level check: If one is a leader, as I am, there are periodic and predictable moments when the organization or team must be re-envisioned for the next run. When leaders cannot figure out what that looks like and what the organization needs to do in the next phases of ministry it is time to step aside and allow a new leader to take over. 

This is a tough reality for senior leaders. Once they have exhausted their ability to take the ministry to the next level one is left in maintenance mode which over time will send the ministry into a holding pattern which leads eventually to decline. Unfortunately this happens at a stage when the senior leader is often going to find it hard to find another similar job (the age thing) so the tendency is to stay too long at the expense of the ministry. This is often where boards step in because they realize that the lack of energy or ability to take the ministry to the next level threatens that health of the ministry and they may pull the trigger themselves. It is healthier for the senior leader to make that decision rather than to be removed by their board. Once I cannot clearly articulate the next run for the ministry my leadership is effectively over. It is not a failure, it is simply that my job is done. When a ministry outgrows us it is a good thing and reflects well on our stewardship in that growth. When we hang on too long and retard that growth it is a bad thing and reflects poorly on us.

One real option senior leaders have if they find themselves in this situation and desire to stay is to engage a competent executive coach to help them think through the relevant issues and figure out how they take the organization to the next level. This may mean that they have to work harder than they have ever worked because they are now moving into uncharged territory even for them. 


The Spirit check: Things may be going along well but the Spirit of God gives us this feeling that it is time to move on. This happened to one of my colleagues who had been with me 20 years. He could have been at our ministry till retirement but God was nudging him to move to something new. He took the risk and is doing amazing things globally. He listened to the Spirit and took a huge risk financially to follow. 


Nothing lasts forever when it comes to our job. Discernment as to when our time is finished and it is time for a transition is an important part of our stewardship both of our own lives and of the ministry we serve.

Difficult Conversations

None of us look forward to hard conversations. In fact, the very thought of them gives some people heartburn. Because of that, they are easy to put off or ignore altogether which often makes the conversation even more necessary. Here are some ways to successfully negotiate such conversations when they are necessary. The one thing you don't want to do is to go into a difficult conversation unprepared.

Before the conversation, clearly define for yourself the issues that you need to address. This includes being ready for push back, objections or questions like "when have I done that?" or "give me examples of ..." A grocery list of issues never works so be sure you can clearly articulate the two or three issues that you need the other party to hear and understand (if they are able to do either or both).

In addition, know what your bottom line is. Are you going to communicate a concern, give an ultimatum, ask them to consider alternatives, terminate their job, ask them to get help? Whatever your bottom line is, be sure you are able to articulate it clearly and not be moved off of it. 

Ask whether you need to have someone else in the room to hear what you are going to say. If the individual has a history of skewing what is said, is hostile, or does not handle hard conversations well, you want to have someone else present so that there is accountability for what is actually said.

When you meet, lay out your concerns and your bottom line in a clear and objective manner. Never impugn the motives of another (we don't know them) and keep to factual statements. If you need to use notes to stay on track, do so but don't make them available to the one you are talking to. Having communicated your concerns, clearly articulate your bottom line - what you are asking of them and then ask if they have any questions of clarification on what you have shared.

Here comes the tricky part. Unhealthy individuals will seek to shift the blame or issues to others or to you. They are experts at self justification and finding others who are at fault. If you are dealing with an unhealthy person, expect that they will try to shift the conversation to you or others and justify themselves. They may well express anger and play the victim role - they are the ones who have been abused. 

Don't bite by engaging in their attempt to shift the conversation. I remember back to my debating days when in cross examination we were supposed to answer the questions of the other side. Often we would ask them questions back, and if they bit, we could then control the conversation they were supposed to be controlling. Remember, this is your conversation, you called it and you control its agenda. No matter how often they try to shift the conversation keep bringing them back to the concerns and bottom line you shared. Other issues may be worthwhile talking about at another time but this is your conversation and you want to keep it on task.

There is no need to prolong the conversation once you know that the other party has heard your concerns and your bottom line. At this point it is important to have a follow up plan. When do you meet again and what do you want from them when you next meet. Be specific and then close the conversation. It may be awkward but you will have accomplished what you need to accomplish and the other party needs time to think and respond.

If you know you need to have such a conversation but fear is keeping you back, find a trusted colleague who can help you walk through the process.

All of life is sacred

The Ten Commandments can be summed up with one phrase: All of lie is sacred - or all of life is holy. There is no sacred/secular divide in life because we were made in God's image and God is not divisible between sacred and secular. In fact, before the fall there was no secular, only sacred. With the fall, men and women made the choice to pursue their own way (secular) and from the fall God has been calling men and women back to His way (the sacred).

It is in that light that the Ten Commandments, the moral law makes the most sense starting with "You shall have no other Gods before me." There can be no competing God's in our lives for either we worship Him wholly or we don't. While there are many competing Gods that call our attention, our sacred devotion is to one alone. In fact, if we got this one right, the following nine commands would not be necessary!

We should not misuse God's name because He is Holy and therefor our speech is holy and sacred as well. We remember the sabbath (in principle) because how we spend our time is sacred. We honor our father and mother because that is where we learn to live under authority and ultimately to honor God. We do not commit murder because life is sacred, we don't steal because our actions are sacred and God provides what we need. We don't commit adultery because marriage is sacred or give false testimony because truth is sacred. We don't covet because even our thinking is sacred.

Learning to look at all of life from a sacred perspective is part of the re-imaging each of us need. God created us in His image, an amazing truth that is hard for us to get our hands around. That image has been badly tarnished by sin but God has been re-imaging us from the time of the fall, culminating in the death and resurrection of Christ. To be re-imaged is to once again see life from a sacred perspective, to walk in the ancient ways of holiness and to learn to view all of life from God's perspective. As we do so the Holy Spirit re-images us piece by piece, thought by thought, action by action, commitment by commitment.

God's desire is that His people would once again claim the sacredness of life. It is who He created us to be. It was His intention from the day of creation. It is what He is recreating through salvation and the outworking of the Gospel and it is what He will bring to fruition when Heaven comes Down to Earth and the two become one - completely re-imaged and remade to the original intent of the creator. 

Relational Equity

The strongest currency we have with those around us is relational equity. The greater that equity the greater the trust and influence. The lower the equity the less the trust and influence. Relational equity is something that is carefully cultivated and preserved by those who desire to influence others. It is an intentional investment in relationships over time that causes others to trust, count on, value, and appreciate our relationship - whether it is a close one or from a distance.

Relational equity is not built quickly. One of the advantages of long term friendships in the personal arena and long term ministry in the ministry arena is the opportunity to build strong equity over many years. The longer we have a healthy relationship with others, the greater the trust that is developed and the more we can mutually count on one another, help one another and influence one another.

This relational equity is important if we want to speak into the lives of others or allow them to speak into our lives. We listen to those we trust and who we know has our best interests in mind. On the other hand where such equity does not exist we often resent or discount counsel from others who try to push into our lives: not surprising since we don't know their motivations or know whether we cant trust their intentions.

What are the factors in building this kind of relational equity? First it is built over time because time validates our intentions and builds trust. Second, it is clear to others that we have their best interests in mind - all the time by our actions and service to them. Third, we have not stepped over appropriate boundaries in the relationship or taken advantage of others. Fourth, our interactions are respectful, honoring and have the effect of building others up. Fifth, we can be counted on, are faithful friends and show up when needed. All of these qualities over time build significant equity in the relationship. When any of them are violated we lose equity.

There are no investments more worthwhile or important than relational ones. Those investments are the currency of influence and growth as we interact with people with whom we have mutual trust. They are to be guarded carefully because once violated, they can be hard to rebuild. Those with great relational equity are wealthy people in the best sense of the word.