When it may be time to leave a church

Some would say that church loyalty is one of the greatest values and certainly jumping from church to church is unhealthy. However, there are legitimate reasons to leave a church and look for another. Just remember that there are no perfect churches.

Consider these reasons:

• The church is inward focused and having little or no influence outside of its walls
• There is a legalistic spirit which is anathema to what grace is all about
• You don't feel comfortable bringing unbelieving friends
• The congregation is controlled by one or more church bosses and politics is prevalent
• You have been marginalized by a leader or leaders and don't feel that you can make a positive contribution
• There is a high control factor to keep church members "in line" with the prevailing group think
• The church board is highly dysfunctional and cannot lead the congregation into healthy and productive ministry
• Independent voices are quickly stifled
• You are not hearing the Scriptures lifted up in the messages but rather psychology and self help

There are no perfect churches but there are churches that see far more Gospel fruit and changed lives than others. With the short time we have we want to make the most impact for Jesus that we can. If that means changing churches it is an OK thing. I have done it for some of these very reasons. 

Congregations, especially dysfunctional ones make it hard for one to leave. They may use guilt and pressure of various kinds to keep one connected. Many take it personally when someone leaves a church. Remember, though that the church we attend is a choice we make and when the choice is taken from us we are no longer in a healthy place. Friendships do not need to go away because we don't attend the same church. If they do, they were superficial friendships in the first place. We will spend eternity together. Sometimes we need to change our location on this side of eternity!

Character: The hidden self

What people see of us is a small portion of who we really are. Our thoughts, motives, intentions, intimacy with Christ, or lack of it, the habits that we practice, or don’t, the practices we cultivate in our hidden lives are the powerful but hidden core of who we are and they form the character that flows out of us. Too often we focus on ensuring that what people see ‘looks good’ rather than focusing on the hidden character that ensures instead that what people see is ‘genuine.’

What would happen if we concentrated on cultivating the deepest part of who we are rather than cultivating the ‘image’ we want others to see?

Proverbs 4:23 puts this into perspective: “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” Everything we truly are flows from our heart – that hidden part of us – so if we want to be everything God wants us to be and made us to be the first focus of our lives will be in protecting our hearts and growing into the likeness of Christ.

Who we really are comes out when we are under pressure or in pain. What will flow from our minds, lips and actions will be what we have cultivated in our hearts. Nothing more, nothing less.

What is success? Certainly we value accomplishing the job we have set out to do, being intentional in our lives, fulfilling our Key Result Areas and Annual Ministry Plans (see previous posts) and being productive. But none of these rises to the level of importance of guarding our hearts and growing into the likeness of Christ.

Solitude, time alone and without distraction where we can quiet our hearts, spend time in the presence of our Father, listen to his voice, be nourished with is word and think deeply about our hidden selves is the most important thing we do. For out of the heart will flow what we really are. Nourishing our heart is the key to real success for without the nourishment we are nothing more than spiritual anorexics.

Why do we find this so difficult when we know it is so important? Because it is hidden! Others do not see what is in our hearts, and the demands of life and work are so pressing. But we ignore our hearts to our peril. The public ‘us’ is only an extension of the private ‘us.’ Just as the iceberg we see is only an extension of the greater part of the iceberg we don’t see. Character is what we are when no one is looking – and character is formed in the dark, before we need to exhibit it.

Jesus regularly withdrew to “a private place to pray” and spend time with the Father. How often do we follow his example? Is there room in our busy lives to do ‘soul work,’ allowing Him to mold our thinking, our priorities, our passions and our innermost hearts? Is our private life ‘robust and healthy’ or ‘anorexic and stale?’ The answer to that question will contribute to our success or failure more than any other issue.

Take some time – alone – and think about it.

Relational resets

There are times when relationships have gone sideways and have become dysfunctional enough that it takes an intentional reset to get them back on track. I have been involved helping a number of individuals recently reset critical relationships.

A reset is not pretending that the issues that caused the dysfunction or conflict is ignored. In fact, it is only when both parties are willing to acknowledge the damage and the reasons for the dysfunction that one can realistically reset the relationship. Without truly honest dialogue parties can sometimes agree to live in peace but a relational reset requires truly honest and candid conversation.

It starts with the ability of both parties to tell one another the truth about how they truly feel and why. In most cases this conversation will need to be brokered by a skilled facilitator who can draw out the issues and ensure that they all get put on the table. In that conversation it is critical that all issues that have become problematic are put on the table so there are no elephants that remain. Getting it all on the table is the first step toward a relational reset.

The second step is to talk through the issues that have been identified without defensiveness on either side. Non defensiveness invites dialogue and without dialogue, parties do not have a chance to understand one another. When we can listen to one another and seek to understand one another it allow us to ask probing questions in order to understand one another and to push into attitudes or practices that have hurt the other party or ourselves.

The third step is to discuss what kind of relationship the two parties desire. Write it down and clearly define the preferred relationship.

Step four is to ask the question, "If we are going to reset the relationship in the way we have defined it, what changes are necessary for each of us?" This may involve, communication issues, keeping short accounts, changing attitudes, not questioning motives and any number of other changes. These identified changes need to be written down as well.

This may not be a short conversation. It could take a day or longer depending on how deep the divisions are. I can tell you from personal experience that it can make a great difference for us, for relationships and for the Kingdom.

Is your organization a ministry or a collection of different ministries?

That may sound like a funny question but my observation is that many organizations are not one organization but many different organizations doing different things with different values and independent leaders. In other words, each team or division is doing its own thing in its own way. That is not an organization! It is a collection of organizations with a common name.

It happens with churches, mission agencies and other ministries. Usually it happens because:

• There is not clarity so leaders and people do their own thing
• There is not a leader at the top who is committed to alignment
• There is not adequate time and effort put into choosing leaders who are committed to a common cause and know how to lead their team in that direction
• There is not accountability for common results allowing leaders and teams to do their own thing

Of course the cost to the organization is high. It is like a boat race crew where every crew member is rowing at their own pace rather than in a synchronized way. When members of an organization pull the oars together there is amazing speed. When members don't pull the oars at the same time the water splashes, the oars clash and the boat languishes.

Which boat characterizes your ministry?

It takes only one leader to hijack a team and cause great pain to your ministry

I often write on the issue of alignment within organizations. I know from both personal experience as well as from working with numerous organizations the pain that an unaligned leader can bring to the organization.

Unaligned leaders essentially hijack their entire team from the rest of the organization. It happens in churches, missions and other ministry organizations. Unfortunately, when this happens, and the leader is redeployed, (often outside the organization) it often takes great time and energy to bring the team back into alignment with the organization as a whole. As a senior leader who has had to deal with this on a number of occasions I know the harm it does and the incredible effort it takes to rectify the situation.

Ensuring alignment throughout an organization is one of the most important jobs of a leader and one of the most critical issues to constantly monitor. When senior leaders allow leaders in their organization to drift or act as independent contractors they take their staff in the same direction. The longer it is allowed to exist the longer it will take to rectify. 

How do you ensure that your leaders are in alignment? Alignment always requires great clarity as to what the organization is about and what the non-negotiables are. Without clarity there will never be alignment.

Second, Senior leaders must spend quality time with leaders throughout the organization, dialoging, asking questions, probing and observing those who lead throughout the organization. And, asking questions of staff throughout the organization. 

If one knows or senses that there are alignment issues, push into it. It may well be that the issue can be resolved. Sometimes resolution means that a leader who is operating as an independent contractor needs to be moved out of their role. Remember though that where nonalignment occurs it impacts everyone on that team or in that division and therefore hurts the organization as a whole.

Philosophically I deeply believe in empowering leaders in our organization and our leaders have a huge degree of freedom. What I cannot do is to delegate and ignore issues of alignment. I never take it for granted, guard it constantly and talk about it regularly.

If you are dealing with alignment issues you may want to read Leading From the Sandbox which deals with clarity, healthy teams and healthy leaders.

A theology of relationships: 7 Biblical guidelines

Scripture has a great deal to say about relationships - principles that are often violated and which leads to all kinds of dysfunction, misunderstandings and conflict. If, on the other hand we lived out the relational counsel of Scripture there would be far less relational chaos in our world.

Speaking the truth in love
Speaking truth to others is incredibly important. Truth is about honesty. Not being fully truthful is a form of dishonesty which does no parties any good. Of course there are two temptations here. The first is not to speak the whole truth and the second is to speak the truth harshly (without consideration and love). Both will get us into relational trouble

Self definition
This is about the ability to speak the truth to others even when we know that others will disagree. There is often the temptation to tell others what they want to hear rather than what we really think. When Jesus says, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no," He is speaking to the issue of personal honesty (Matthew 5:37). When we give people the wrong impression of what we are actually thinking we sow the seeds of future misunderstanding.

Forgiveness
It goes without saying perhaps except that there are many who refuse to forgive those who have wronged them or for a perceived slight. Not only do we end up unable to restore the relationship when we don't forgive but we start to live in a prison of bitterness of our own making. A fallen world demands relational resets that can only take place when forgiveness is extended.

Making assumptions about motives
Much relational disconnect comes from assuming the motives of others - something we cannot do because we cannot know the thoughts and hearts of another. When Jesus tells us not to judge others but pay attention to the issues of our own hearts he is going to the heart of no making assumptions about the motives of others. We can judge behaviors but we cannot judge hearts and when we do we are usually wrong.

Extending patience and kindness
The fruit of the Spirit: Love, joy, peace patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control ought to be the guiding relational attitudes we bring to bear in every relationship and interaction. It is not easy and they are not called the fruit of the Spirit for nothing - they require the Holy Spirit in our lives to live out. Think of how much relational disconnect would be avoided if we lived that out!

Conflict resolution
When Jesus says not to let the sun go down on our wrath he is indicating that keeping short accounts is critical. The Scriptures say a great deal about peace between individuals and Paul tells us to live at peace with one another - at least as it depends on us. This is a choice we make. Matthew 18 makes it clear that to resolve conflict we must go to the one with whom a relationship has been broken and not to others.

Humility
A posture of humility, seeing ourselves realistically and treating others as worthy of honor is a huge asset in good relationships and one that was modeled by Christ. Pride and needing to be right and have our own way hurt relationships every time. By definition, pride destroys healthy relationships as it is now about me rather than about us.

Who needs to grapple with leadership issues of an organization?

Every organization has significant challenges and many senior leaders believe that they need to come up with the answers to those challenges. Every senior leader must engage in those issues but the truth is that it is equally important that senior leadership teams engage in those issues together. Who is responsible to solve organizational issues? It starts with the senior leadership team together.

Wise leaders allow organizational issues to be discussed and problem solving done by the leadership team as a whole. The more the senior leader dominates the discussion the more the rest of the team will allow the issue to rest on his/her shoulders. The less they dominate, the more the rest of the team will take corporate responsibility.

This requires a leader to allow transparency on issues the organization faces. Either hiding issues or not wanting them to be carefully scrutinized - usually because the senior leader takes personal responsibility - is a major mistake. If you want significant dialogue the team needs to know exactly what the issues are and the true picture. Bad news or problematic news means that there is significant opportunity for improvement. Hiding the bad news prevents the very dialogue that makes it possible to solve problems.

The key to a senior leadership group taking responsibility for an organization's issues is a senior leader who is willing to share the facts, willing to engage the team in problem solving and has the humility to admit that he/she does not have all the answers. That humility breeds others who become problem solvers with you - for the good of the organization.