Accepting the reality that relationships change

What is hardest to accept about the passage of time is that the people who once mattered the most to us wind up in parentheses.
John Irving

What Irving is alluding to is that relationships and friendships can change over time and even recede into the past, leaving us feeling sad, disillusioned or even angry. What we need to remember is that relationships can last for a moment, a season or a lifetime. It is the nature of friendships and our lives.

Friendships or relationships that last a moment are those that come and go relatively quickly, often forged in a time of crisis or need where someone comes alongside us or we them. The patient in the hospital for cancer treatment bonds with another fellow pilgrim. The office mate who is helping us on a project forges a relationship but it is for a specific project and purpose.

Seasons of friendship are longer. When I pastored I forged some strong friendships but they were primarily for that season of life. I moved, another pastor came and although I stay connected to a few on Facebook the friendship, genuine as it was is not the same. Likewise, in my thirty years in the last organization I served I had many seasons of friendship with people I served alongside. But again, except for a few, the relationship changed, as is natural, when I left.

Those of us who are very lucky have friendships that last a lifetime. I call them "friends for life" and they transcend circumstances, location and even differences of opinion or life stage. We treasure these friendships the most because they reflect a long investment in one another's lives.

We often grieve when friendships die or move on. That is the nature of relationships but it does not take away from what we had or how our lives were changed in the time or season that our lives intersected. Most friendships will be a parenthesis in our lives but that does not mean they are not important parentheses. As relationships change we should remember the ways in which that relationship helped us during a period of our lives.

Who we are has been impacted by every healthy relationship we have had over the years whether for a time, season or lifetime. We are changed by our interaction by others and we in turn have had an influence on them. Some relationships do not weather stormy events of life and that is OK. It does not diminish the mutual impact that relationship had on us. In some way we were enriched and enriched others. And ultimately we must hold all relationships with an open hand. We change, times change and relationships change.  It is the nature of life.

Too often when a relationship ends we feel diminished or abandoned. We should not. We are no less whole than when the relationship was vibrant. We are simply in a different time or season. It played the role it needed to play and we are now free to pursue other relationships for this season in life. New beginnings come out of endings. In those transitions it is tempting to hurt others in our own hurt but we ought not burn bridges. It is not necessary and it diminishes what once was.

I keep a mental checklist of friendships that once were and how they impacted my own life. I am grateful even when I sometimes experience sadness that what once was is now over. Mostly I am thankful for how others impacted my life and enriched me if even for a time or a season.

Learning to disagree and remain relationally connected

Being able to disagree with another individual and remain relationally connected is a unique skill that gives one greater influence. Too often, we allow different opinions to separate us from others, which limits our influence and creates unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, when two people disagree and allow their differing opinions to create division, others often line up behind one or the other, and the result is a division of many rather than of two. Thus, learning to disagree and remain relationally connected is even more critical if we desire to be people of peace.

Fundamental to this skill is the ability to separate our opinions, however strong, from relationships. Ideas and convictions are things that define us as us. They allow us to be self-defined people rather than defined by others. Self-defined individuals understand who they are, what they think, and what their convictions and values are. However, just as they do not allow others to define them, they do not insist that others also agree with them. They know who they are and allow others to be self-defined as well. 

For many, agreement on issues is the basis of a relationship. But this is a fragile basis for any friendship or working relationship. First, because there will come a time when there is a major disagreement that will compromise the relationship. Second, it does not allow both parties to be self-defined. Usually, it is the dominant individual who will define the relationship with weaker individuals simply agreeing. Third, this kind of relationship fundamentally ignores the healthy boundaries of self-definition that allow individuals to be who they are rather than to be what someone else is. Finally, it does not respect the opinions of others but requires them to agree with us. In this respect, there is not the humility to allow others their own convictions.

Collegial relationships should be based on mutual respect, common interests or goals, and the conviction that we need one another to achieve the best outcomes. It should not be based on the need to agree with one another all the time. If I can separate my convictions from the ability to remain relationally connected, I can retain the ability to stay connected, have influence, and keep others from taking sides and dividing the group. 

In my own consulting, I make it a high priority to stay connected to those who might disagree with my recommendations. I want to unite others rather than divide them. And I want to remain connected whenever possible.

Before you write new policies, ask these questions

It is always interesting for me to look at the policy manual of organizations I work with. I am  not a fan of any policy that is unnecessary - which applies to many of them. Too often policies are written in the aftermath of a foolish action by an employee and rather than dealing with the individual concerned a policy is written that now pertains to the whole organization. 

Writing a policy does not keep people from doing unwise things. Sometimes you have to do remedial work with those who skirt the edges. In fact, writing policies for everyone because of an individual's bad decision breeds cynicism rather than respect. In addition a conversation with staff around a topic can be far more meaningful than a new policy promulgated in the policy manual. And less intrusive.

Policies are meant to be channel markers on non-negotiable practices that protect the organization and promulgate fairness. Organizations should make it clear that they expect employees to use common sense, protect the organization and one another in all of their actions. If there is not a commitment by a staff member to these three things they either need remedial help or don't belong in the organization. However, writing new policies to ensure compliance is rarely helpful and often counterproductive.

Before you write a new policy ask these questions:

• Is it truly necessary or are we trying to solve an issue through a policy rather than a conversation with an individual?
• Is this a topic that is best a conversation with staff or does it need to be a policy?
• Are we making it clear to staff that we expect them to use common sense, protect the organization and one another in all their actions?
• Will this policy generate cynicism among staff or will it make sense to them?
• Do we annually have a conversation with staff around all policies so that what is written is understood and lived out?
• Have we vetted the policy with key staff members to understand how it will be interpreted and responded to.

Our personal joy and happiness are always a matter of focus

There is one critical difference between those people who live with great happiness and those who live with great unhappiness. The former focus on the blessings in their lives while the latter focus on the deficits in their lives. It is a matter of focus and it makes the difference between a life of joy and a life of unhappiness.

Our personal happiness is not dependent on our life circumstances. It is dependent on our focus. Having travelled the world and met people who live in extreme poverty but who know Christ I am always amazed at their joy. In conversations they tell me about all the blessings they have because of Jesus. I meet other believers who have all the material blessings who are deeply pessimistic about their circumstances. Regardless of our life situation we always have a choice as to our focus: A focus on Jesus and His blessings or a focus on ourselves and our problems. Our focus will determine our level of joy and happiness.

Those who choose to focus on their situation and problems will never be truly happy because there focus is in the wrong place. Think about the Psalms David wrote. They deal with real life but time after time David refocuses his mind on the blessings of God who is our rock, our fortress, our protector, our provider, our healer, our Savior and the list goes on and on. Even in the depths of personal despair David kept his focus on the One who could bring happiness, joy and was the source of his life. David's life was far from easy for many years, yet he retained a positive outlook by focusing on God and His blessings and provision.

When we focus on our problems and circumstances we put the source of our happiness into the hands of life which will surely disappoint. When we focus on Jesus and His blessings we put the source of our happiness into the hands of the only One who can truly give it. As the Psalmist says, "I pray to you, O Lord, for the time of your favor. O God! In your great kindness answer me with your constant help. Answer me, O Lord, for bounteous is your kindness; in your great mercy turn toward me. I am afflicted and in pain; let your saving help, O God, protect me. I will praise the name of God in son, and I will glorify him with thanksgiving."

One of my regular habits it to journal. I am frank and honest in what I write. But I find myself reflecting often on the blessings of God in my life and it changes everything when I focus on the many blessings He gives on a daily basis. It is all too easy to miss those blessings when our focus in in the wrong place. Focus on Him and we see His blessings. Focus on ourselves and we miss them. Every day we have a choice. And it is a powerful choice.

The spelling of personal success

I saw this notice yesterday in a store I visited and was immediately struck by how much of our definition of success is dictated by our culture and how little by both common sense and Jesus. The other thing that struck me was how often we don't evaluate our own assumptions and definitions. It is why this blackboard is so striking. It visually shows what happens when we do and in doing so causes us to pay attention.

I took the time recently to rethink my own definition of success. It is an exercise that is worth doing. Think of the broad categories of your life and then consider what you really believe success looks like. You may, like me, find yourself crossing some things out and writing a better definition. 

For those whose marriages did not turn out the way they anticipated

Life often does not turn out the way we thought it would and this is often true in marriages. If you are struggling in your marriage this is a powerful, powerful song by Casting Crowns.

Broken Together by Casting Crowns

Terrorism and missions

This has been a banner year for terrorism around the world from Syria to Turkey, Paris, Orlando, Bangladesh, Iraq, and the list could go on for a long time. Terrorism is meant to strike fear in others and it does it very well. It can also put a damper on missions efforts globally as family objects to their children going into what they perceive to be "harms way."

While we do not live in a safe world it is also true that disparate events become much larger than they are because of the news cycle. The networks hunger for big stories and they will feed off those stories as long as they can until the next big story appears. I do not mean to minimize the evil nature of these events but to say that the worlds is not as dangerous as it might appear if our data comes primarily from the 24 hour news cycle.

It is also true that missions has an inherent risk. Whether from traffic accidents in developing world settings, sickness, the frequent travel, being in the wrong place at the wrong time or even being a target of those who hate Christianity. It is a risk that missionaries are willing to take given their calling and most missionaries are by nature more willing to step out of their comfort zone than are others. In addition, because of their travel and knowledge of the world they are often more aware of the true risks and of ways to minimize those risks. I have often travelled in places that the State Department issues warnings for and trust the knowledge of the local hosts who understand what is safe and what is unsafe.

The spread of the Gospel is not without risk and yet without someone stepping out with the best news the world has ever known we do not fulfill the Great Commission which calls us to take the Gospel to the ends of the earth with the promise that Christ is with us each step of the way. Ironically, it is often in places that are most insecure that the Gospel flourishes as individuals look for answers to the insecurity of their own lives and are far more open to Christ because of it.

Most mission agencies are prudent when it comes to risks to their personnel as they should be. But at the end of the day, if God calls individuals to represent him on the front lines - as He did Paul - we need to also trust Him to be with them. Western missionaries are no less exempt from persecution and danger than are national missionaries who often work in very troubled and dangerous places. As Jim Elliott said so presciently before his own death, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."

If you have pangs of fear for those you support on the mission field, reread the Great Commission and consider it in its fullness. As Scripture says, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news."