New beginnings and New Year Resolutions

I find the days between Christmas and New Years to be a time of important reflection. A new year is a gift. Whatever the challenges of the present (past) year were, there is a new year starting and we have opportunities for renewal, new hope and even new practices.

I would encourage you to take stock of the past year during these days. What do you have to be thankful for? What do you wish had been different? Are there things or people you need to leave behind for your own health and well being? Are there things that need to be different and what can you do about it?

The last question is an important one. New beginnings can be a perfect time for new practices. None of us can do everything at once so think about the two or three things that you believe should be different in your life. Be specific about what you want to change.

Change does not happen without weaving new practices into our lives. Habits are formed by repeatedly practicing something over and over. Think about how you can incorporate needed changes for three months. At the end of three months if you are consistent, those changes are likely to have become habits and fairly easy to stay current with. Practices become habits which become part of our lifestyle! Change can look daunting but if you can think of the next three months, the longer term is likely to take care of itself.

If you keep a journal, keep track of your daily progress for three months. If you don't keep a journal this is a good reason to start one. A daily reminder of the commitment made will go a long ways toward your success.

Don't let this season pass without evaluating your current life. One, two or three significant changes can change the trajectory of your life. The new year is a great time to start. The past is past. Now for the new!

The absurd story of Christmas

No story is better known. No story better captures the heart of a child - small or grown - than the one we celebrate today. No matter how many times we hear the story it never grows old, it never disappoints, never ceases to evoke deep emotions of wonder, awe and comfort. An angel’s proclamation to illiterate shepherds, a teenage unwed mother, a loyal carpenter fiancee, the evil king Herod, a cold, clear, Bethlehem night without a place to stay. A messy birth in an animal’s stall, alongside a dirty alley in the dark of night. Confused cows watching unknowing as the Son of the universe stares back unknowing at the very animals He had created eons before. A mother, a child, a carpenter, a few agitated animals and the pungent smell of manure.

This is a story so absurd that it could only have been scripted by a Divine hand. No other writer would have attempted such a script. If they had they would not have claimed it to be true: fiction maybe, but not reality. This is not how the One whose voice had echoed off of a billion galaxies would make His entrance. Without CNN and Fox News, into a hovel known affectionately today as Bethlehem but then nothing more than a tiny village on the path to Jerusalem. 

His entrance was marked not by a proclamation to kings but to astonished herdsmen sleeping with sheep. The heavens opened with ten thousand voices – not over Jerusalem the ancient capital – but over a tiny grazing field for a handful of insignificant shepherds. They would be the only witnesses of the grand entrance of a King. No other writer would have written such a script. 

No other author would have taken such a chance. For behind this story there are echoes of another story - equally incredulous. Centuries before in the vastness of eternity past – when infinity kissed infinity, The Master of Infinity spoke into being the universe in which we live - 3,000 of whose stars are visible to the careful eye, 30 billion visible from a large telescope, - the other 90% of the universe still hidden from our eyes. Its splendor an eternal testimony to the Author of the story.

Immortal, invisible, God only wise,
In light inaccessible hid from our eyes,
Most blessed, most glorious, the Ancient of Days,
Almighty, victorious, Thy great name we praise.

Great Father of glory, pure Father of light,
Thine angels adore thee, all veiling their sight;
All praise we would render: O help us to see
Tis only the splendor of light hideth Thee.
(Walter Chalmers Smith)

The Author’s heart had love that could not be contained. A heart full of love is not easily satisfied. Transcendent goodness longed to give away infinite love. Again the Author spoke: A planet was expertly crafted. One among billions. A people wonderfully created – in the image of the Author. Free to love, free to experience the infinite goodness of the Author. Free to revel in His infinite Love. But above all free. Love cannot be forced and remain love.

We are not the sole owners of broken hearts. No heart suffered such sorrow as Infinite Love rejected. Image bearers rejected the Image Maker. The story’s characters fired the Author to write their own script. Unmatched, searing pain pierced the Author’s heart as the loved jilted the Lover. 

Chaos infiltrated beauty. A planet was hijacked and spun out of control. Poverty of spirit supplanted endless joy. Unfulfilled hearts realized the pain of lost love. Without the Author, individual story lines faltered – and failed. Sadness reigned. Darkness descended in seeming endless gloom.

Truth can be stranger than fiction. For in the pained heavens the grieving Author plotted love’s revenge. An awesome revenge that only Divinity could contrive – that only Divinity would contrive. Having lost His loved, the Lover would send His most loved to reclaim His heart’s desire. The rejected Creator would kiss the unfaithful created. Tender mercy in place of deserved destruction. An astonished heaven broke into unbelieving applause. Image bearers would be reclaimed by the Image Maker. Light would once again prevail over darkness. Brokenness would be made whole. Peace would triumph over chaos.

All was silent in the heavens on the chosen night. Angels held their corporate breath. For nine months the Son had been absent, resident in a young girls womb, coming to us not as a king but incognito, just one of thousands of children that would be born on a lonely planet that night – into the darkness that our word had become. Placenta covered the Son of the universe arriving to claim back His beloved: this time, one by one, heart by heart. Tender mercy arriving in disguise: one of us, one like us. On that night, the Author personally entered our story. 

Such humility our world has never known. A stunning reversal for a world gone astray. A Heart full of love is not easily satisfied. Transcendent goodness longing to give away infinite love, arriving under cover of night in order to “shine on those living in darkness…to guide our feet into the path of peace.” (Luke 1:27).

When an author writes, each character is unique; each has his or her own story-line. We, each have a story – unique, unrepeated, singular. Each story has its own joy, its own pain, its own pathos and unmatched quality. But each shares one singular, astonishing feature. We are made in the Author’s image, and He will not rest until we have invited Him to join in our story. 

More astonishing than the script He has authored, the story we celebrate today is that He also wants to enter into your story. This is the most ancient of stories but it is also the most contemporary of stories. The Christmas story is but one chapter in the Author’s divine script. The Author is still writing. And every person who invites Him into their story becomes a separate and unique chapter in His unfinished book. And into each story He brings His light and peace. 

“For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” (John 3:16-17.)

Have you invited Him into your story? 

Why defensiveness is destructive and how we can become more open

Defensiveness is a part of the human condition. A negative rather than positive part. It is usually an indicator that we are guarding our pride and our ego and that we don't want to be found wrong or wanting. Defensiveness is wanting to be like God. He is the only one who is never wrong or wanting. Thus defensiveness is proclaiming that we are not what we are: human, often wrong, fallible, broken and often wanting. It is a façade rather than the truth and it is our way of saying, "I am better than I am." And we are the only one who believes it. 

Defensiveness is destructive to us in many ways. First, we fool ourselves into believing that we are better than we are. The best leaders and the healthiest individuals are those who know their own vulnerabilities, dark sides, and lack of knowledge. The truth is that we know very little, are often wrong, often misjudge others, and have dark sides that are far worse than we want to believe. Personal health comes from knowing the truth about ourselves, not from lying to ourselves. How we see ourselves will impact how we see and treat others and their views.

Second, defensiveness drives people away from us. When we are not open to the views, observations or criticisms of others we keep those around us at arms length. They know that we are not open to authentic conversation and thus don't share what they really think. In driving others away who could tell us truth we not only hurt ourselves but we hurt authentic relationships with those around us.

Third, defensiveness keeps us from seeing and treating others in a fair way. Defensive people generally see fault in others but not in themselves, see the quirks and shadow side of others but not their own. This impacts how we see those around us and if a supervisor, how we may treat our staff. The lens that a defensive individual sees through often sees others as worse than they are and themselves as better than they are. 

The root of defensiveness is insecurity or unworthiness. The feeling that we are not enough: good enough; competent enough; smart enough, wise enough or worthy enough. That lack of self worth causes us to want to look better than we are which amounts to elevating ourselves while lowering others and resisting anything that strikes us as criticism. Defensive individuals are not healthy, whole people. 

How do we overcome defensiveness and get to wholeness? The first step is to make a decision that we will be OK with who we are, how God made us and our strengths and weaknesses. If I can accept the truth about myself I no longer need to prove that I am different than I am, that I am better than I am or more perfect than I am. We are all broken vessels and becoming OK with that - even as we allow God to heal our brokenness - gives us freedom to just be us, not someone we wish we were. 

This is about adopting a "nothing to prove, nothing to lose and nothing to hide" attitude. I don't need to prove myself. I don't need to worry about losing my reputation. Nor do I need to hide those areas where I am weak. It is a freeing attitude and it is how God wants us to live. It allows others and ourselves to see our authentic self.

That inward decision needs to help us with our outward behavior. When we experience that knife thrust of criticism (whether it was meant that way or not), rather than reacting defensively we can learn to relax, not react outwardly and say something like, "That is an interesting thought, tell me more."  Rather than pushing people away, we are drawing them closer and inviting conversation rather than shutting it down. We may be fighting our emotions inside but outwardly we are practicing new behaviors.

Learn to spot the triggers that cause you to become defensive. Every time you get triggered, ask the question, how might I have responded differently than I did? And, Why did I react to that statement? Once you begin to learn the triggers to defensive attitudes one can develop strategies to counter it in the moment.

Defensiveness is about pretending to be someone we are not. Authenticity is allowing others to see us as we are.

"I don't need this". When leaders want to walk!

I met recently with a ministry that is in a stalemate. It has a group of individuals (current leaders) who desire to move forward into a new era of ministry. It has another group of individuals (past leaders) who are resisting almost all change. They want the future to look like the past even though staying there will inevitably compromise the church's future. 

Before I continue I need to say that building for the future does not mean that we dishonor the past. In fact, my mantra is that we must honor the past while we build for the future. If all one does is honor the past you compromise your future. If all you do is build for the future you disenfranchise those who got you to where you are so both are necessary and wise leaders recognize this.

Here is a true saying: What go you to here got you to here. It will not get you to there. No organization can stay static. All organizations either move forward or they stagnate and die. It is that simple. If you want to position your church or organization for a slow painful death, just stop moving forward into the future. This often happens when prior leaders create enough conflict and criticism that current leaders say "we don't need this" and walk away. It is very true that they don't need this. It is, however a mistake to walk away. Someone must build for the future if we care about the generations that come behind us.

One of the key responsibilities of leaders is to position their organization for a hopeful and fruitful future. If it were easy we would not need leaders. But without courageous leaders, there will not be a hopeful or fruitful future. The harder the leadership task the more an organization needs to break through into a new future. For leaders who want to walk: You can, but the very fact that leadership is hard where you are is an indicator that you are needed more than ever. 

In my book, High Impact Church Boards I write this:
Leadership is an awe-inspiring, weighty calling. From the earliest days of biblical history, God has called men and women into leadership roles, energizing and gifting them for the task. One lesson shouts from the pages in this history of God’s people: When there was a faithful leader,God’s people flourished. In the absence of godly, empowered leadership, His people suffered.

Without a Noah, mankind would not have survived. Without a
Moses, the Exodus would have failed. Without a Joshua, the land would not have been conquered. Without a Deborah, the Israelites would not have been liberated. Without a David, a nation would not have been built. Without a Nehemiah, a city would not have been reborn. Without an Esther, a people would not have survived.
In each instance, God called a leader or leaders for His purposes,

clarified their assignments, and empowered them with skill and wisdom.

In God’s kingdom, leaders are called by Him for His purposes and

empowered by His Spirit. We do not just choose to be a leader; God chooses those He wants to lead.

If you are in a hard leadership place, consider: Maybe God has you here for such a time as this.

How are you perceived?

From time to time I conduct staff audits to determine the health of the staff and leadership of an organization. Some years ago a board hired me to figure out why the staff was experiencing conflict and a low level of morale. One of the findings was that the perceptions of the senior leader's management were fairly bad. They liked the individual personally but his leadership left a lot to be desired and caused a lot of issues.

When I shared this feedback with the senior leader, he said, "You won't tell the staff what you found will you?" After a moment to collect my astonishment I said, "Where do you think I got the information?" He then said, "What they said is not true of me." My response was, "It may well be that their perceptions are wrong but it is their reality, it is a common reality among the staff and if you are going to change their perceptions you really need to modify your leadership practices."

The board had done this leader a great favor in conducting staff interviews as he found out what most leaders never do - how they are perceived by those who work for them. Often such feedback comes as a surprise to us because we don't see ourselves the way others see us. At times, people attribute poor motives to us that we know not to be true. At other times staff is not aware of circumstances that lead us to certain decisions. But, perceptions - right or wrong - are the reality of how others see us and our leadership. So we are left with two versions of our leadership: What we believe it to be and what others perceive it to be. And sometimes these are worlds apart from one another.

Wise leaders want to know what the perceptions of their staff are. They want to know what they don't know. This requires them to find a few trusted individuals who are willing to share with them how they come across along with the positives and negatives of their leadership style - from a staff perspective.

But remember: No one will tell you these things unless you directly ask and provide a safe environment for them to share their perspectives. Here are some of the kinds of questions we can ask those who work for us.

• Are there things I do that you wish I would do differently?
• If you could change one thing about my leadership style, what would it be?
• What are the strongest leadership qualities you believe that I have and what are the weakest?
• Is there anything I do that irritates you? Or that you feel is not respectful?

You will be surprised what you may learn from these questions. They are worth asking because our perception of reality can be very different than the perception of others. And there are usually simple ways that we can change our behaviors to address the negative perceptions of others.

Three ways that organizational conflict can be a help rather than a hinderance

Typically, we think of conflict as a negative event when it occurs. The truth, however, is that conflict is often a blessing in disguise and being aware of its potential up side can help us leverage it in productive ways. Consider these up sides of conflict.

One: Conflict is often an early warning system that the organizational system needs revamping
Organizations don't just grow, they change. Their environments change, their needs change and the organizational structure that worked at one time no longer works as it did. The reason is simple: What got you to here got you to here. It will not get you to there.

When the old way of doing things has run its course and is no longer working, conflict often occurs. There may be disagreements on strategy, tension between leaders or teams, frustration with work flow and substandard results. All of these, and other manifestations of conflict are warning you that it is time to relook at how you are doing things and what you are doing. In this case, conflict is warning you that things need to change! If you don't ignore the warning sign it can help you move forward. If you ignore it, the conflict will become worse.

Two, conflict may be telling you that greater clarity is needed
When there is not organizational clarity, leaders, teams or individuals step in and provide their own clarity. Inevitably this will result in conflict as competing ideas of who we are and what we are about collide with one another. In this case, the conflict is telling you that you need to clarify your clarity so that alignment is possible and everyone is working toward the same goals.

Ironically, the process of refining your clarity may bring greater conflict as ideas and people vie for their definition. This is good as it is in the clash of ideas that the best ideas are born. But until you come to agreement on who you are and what you are about you will never get alignment and without alignment you will never reach your organizational potential. In this case the conflict is telling you that you don't have adequate alignment and agreement.

Three: Conflict may be telling you that there are individuals who are not operating from a place of healthy EQ (Emotional Intelligence)
Healthy EQ is essential for healthy organizations. People who have unhealthy EQ can be defensive, closed to feedback, create conflict with those around them and are often responsible for relational issues with those around them. When there is a pattern of relational conflict around an individual you are probably dealing with an EQ issues that needs to be resolved.

It is easy to overlook these situations out of fear of conflict. Yet their behaviors are creating conflict already and disempowering those who are impacted by their relational issues. Not to deal with this is to sentence those in proximity to the effects of their behavior. 

When conflict pops up in your organization don't assume it is a bad thing. It is probably telling you something and understanding what it is saying can be valuable to your ongoing success. 

Learning trumps blame in organizational conflict

We are wired, it seems, to assign blame when something has gone wrong, there is conflict in the workplace, or groups are not getting along with one another. After all, someone is responsible and must take the blame!

Not so fast. I would ask two questions.

Question One: Are there alternative explanations for what has gone wrong or the conflict we are experiencing? In most cases, the answer is yes. Conflict can arise from many organizational issues: unclear job descriptions and overlap of responsibilities, the wiring of the people involved; organizational systems that create conflict, attitudes of individuals or groups, practices of the organization, and I could go on. 

Blame is easy and often wrong.

Too often, we immediately assign poor motives to those we are unhappy with. In most cases, motives are not the issue. We are also prone to demonize those we feel are responsible (in our minds) for the conflict. This is a dangerous practice as it simply divides further and reinforces our belief that we are right and others are wrong.

In most cases when there is organizational conflict, there are reasons for that conflict that lie in the structure of the organization, its processes, or a lack of organizational clarity. Before we play the blame game -  which is inherently counterproductive, ask yourself if there are alternate explanations for the conflict you are experiencing.

Question two: Are we more interested in assigning blame or in learning from the situation we find ourselves in? Blame is easy. It absolves us and points the finger at someone else. We don't need to do any hard analysis or work, and it is not about us. In fact, blame is so easy that it prevents us from finding the real source of the conflict we are experiencing and, therefore, perpetuates the conflict.

We can blame, or we can learn. Blame perpetuates the status quo while learning makes us better. I recommend a culture that practices autopsy without blame when something goes south. We want to know the source of the problem or failure, but we want to learn from it, not assign blame to someone.

This kind of attitude creates a culture of nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide. We are about getting better. Not protecting ourselves, not trying to prove anything or hide anything. It is a posture of humility rather than pride. Of learning rather than blame. 

In my consulting, I have rarely encountered people who were bad people or who had bad motives. I have encountered people who needed to learn and develop, who were in the wrong seat for their wiring, and have seen many organizational issues, all of which can create conflict. Sometimes, hard things need to be said or done, but with the right attitude, we can learn, develop, and appreciate one another. 

Leaders and the affirmation of staff

Leaders often forget that one of the greatest gifts they can give their staff is affirmation and appreciation. So simple and yet often overlooked. Genuine affirmation for work well done is one of the highest motivators for staff and engenders significant loyalty. They know they matter! 

If you have staff who report to you, remember this:

They make you look good and make your work possible. You could not do it without them. Thank them often.

They could be working for someone else. All employees today are volunteers in that they can choose who they work for. That they are willing to put up with you is a blessing. Affirm them.

They don't have the perks you probably do and don't make what you make. So, don't take them for granted. They probably care as much about their work as you do yours. Maybe more. Make sure they know that their work is noticed and appreciated.

Taking a few moments to single them out, focus on them and thank them goes a long way. They know you noticed. They know they are appreciated and valued. They know they are not invisible to you.

Never underestimate the power of simple words of affirmation. Your staff will remember them for a long time. That goes for the janitor, the mail delivery individual, the front office phone operator and those higher staff members. 

Words matter!

It is not surprising that the perpetuator of the synagogue massacre had posted hate speech on a popular web site for those who want to express hateful views. Freedom of expression being one of the hallmarks of our constitution, it is a price we pay for our liberties. It protects the rights of all of us to speak our minds sad as some of those views may be.

There is, however, a higher responsibility for those in elected positions to be circumspect with their words toward members of the opposite party. Public figures have the ability and power to set the tone of public discourse. The civility of our national discourse is directly related to our maturity as a people and nation. By that standard we don't have much to be proud of today. Words matter!

We may be proud to protect the speech of all. But can we also be proud of what is being said? Or by the civil discourse of our elected leaders? 

When we dehumanize others with our words we lay the groundwork for other dehumanization. Words matter! It is why we teach our children to be kind with their words. Most efforts to rob others of their rights begin with words. Dehumanizing words are not neutral. Words can build up or they can tear down. Words can protect or they can incite violence. Words matter!

Let it not be lost on us that the pogroms of recent history started with words and ended with violence. The veneer of civilization is very thin. Words matter!

I like many have very significant differences with others politically. I feel strongly about many of those differences. But I will not dehumanize those who disagree with my views. Nor do I want those that I help elect to dehumanize those who disagree with their views. A nation that cannot be civil in its disagreements is no longer a civil society. Words do matter!