Why defensiveness is destructive and how we can become more open

Defensiveness is a part of the human condition. A negative rather than positive part. It is usually an indicator that we are guarding our pride and our ego and that we don't want to be found wrong or wanting. Defensiveness is wanting to be like God. He is the only one who is never wrong or wanting. Thus defensiveness is proclaiming that we are not what we are: human, often wrong, fallible, broken and often wanting. It is a façade rather than the truth and it is our way of saying, "I am better than I am." And we are the only one who believes it. 

Defensiveness is destructive to us in many ways. First, we fool ourselves into believing that we are better than we are. The best leaders and the healthiest individuals are those who know their own vulnerabilities, dark sides, and lack of knowledge. The truth is that we know very little, are often wrong, often misjudge others, and have dark sides that are far worse than we want to believe. Personal health comes from knowing the truth about ourselves, not from lying to ourselves. How we see ourselves will impact how we see and treat others and their views.

Second, defensiveness drives people away from us. When we are not open to the views, observations or criticisms of others we keep those around us at arms length. They know that we are not open to authentic conversation and thus don't share what they really think. In driving others away who could tell us truth we not only hurt ourselves but we hurt authentic relationships with those around us.

Third, defensiveness keeps us from seeing and treating others in a fair way. Defensive people generally see fault in others but not in themselves, see the quirks and shadow side of others but not their own. This impacts how we see those around us and if a supervisor, how we may treat our staff. The lens that a defensive individual sees through often sees others as worse than they are and themselves as better than they are. 

The root of defensiveness is insecurity or unworthiness. The feeling that we are not enough: good enough; competent enough; smart enough, wise enough or worthy enough. That lack of self worth causes us to want to look better than we are which amounts to elevating ourselves while lowering others and resisting anything that strikes us as criticism. Defensive individuals are not healthy, whole people. 

How do we overcome defensiveness and get to wholeness? The first step is to make a decision that we will be OK with who we are, how God made us and our strengths and weaknesses. If I can accept the truth about myself I no longer need to prove that I am different than I am, that I am better than I am or more perfect than I am. We are all broken vessels and becoming OK with that - even as we allow God to heal our brokenness - gives us freedom to just be us, not someone we wish we were. 

This is about adopting a "nothing to prove, nothing to lose and nothing to hide" attitude. I don't need to prove myself. I don't need to worry about losing my reputation. Nor do I need to hide those areas where I am weak. It is a freeing attitude and it is how God wants us to live. It allows others and ourselves to see our authentic self.

That inward decision needs to help us with our outward behavior. When we experience that knife thrust of criticism (whether it was meant that way or not), rather than reacting defensively we can learn to relax, not react outwardly and say something like, "That is an interesting thought, tell me more."  Rather than pushing people away, we are drawing them closer and inviting conversation rather than shutting it down. We may be fighting our emotions inside but outwardly we are practicing new behaviors.

Learn to spot the triggers that cause you to become defensive. Every time you get triggered, ask the question, how might I have responded differently than I did? And, Why did I react to that statement? Once you begin to learn the triggers to defensive attitudes one can develop strategies to counter it in the moment.

Defensiveness is about pretending to be someone we are not. Authenticity is allowing others to see us as we are.

Seven indicators that our ego may be getting in the way of our leadership

An overly inflated ego is a challenge for leaders who are often in their positions because they have seen success. The success that positions one for leadership can also be our subtle undoing when we allow it to feed our ego, which has a voracious and unrelenting appetite. 

Most of us like to think we are not conceited, yet that is the most fantastic conceit of all. However, we can be aware of signs that our ego (and conceit) are getting in the way of our own emotional health and leadership. Awareness can help us manage the appetite of our egos.

Being defensive or angry when we are challenged.
Defensiveness is nothing more than our ego screaming, "Don't challenge me because I am right," even when we are not. It keeps us from hearing the truth and perspective from others, leaving us with only our limited perspective. This is why the best leaders train themselves to be open to differing perspectives and cultivate a non-defensive attitude.

Being reluctant to delegate

An unwillingness to delegate is often our ego speaking: "No one can do this as well as I can." In most things, others can do things better than we can, but who wants to admit that! Healthy leaders do. In fact, they encourage others to find better ways of doing things to build better organizations. We may not realize it, but an unwillingness to delegate can indicate an unhealthy ego.

We need to always get our own way.
Why would we need to always get our own way if not because our own self-worth or conviction that we are always right reveals an overinflated and unhealthy ego? Healthy leaders desire to do the best thing to reach the desired outcome, which has nothing to do with whether it is their way or not. Unhealthy egos demand their way regardless of whether other ways might be better.

Being jealous of the success of others
Whenever we become jealous of the success of another, we should sit up and take note that we have an ego problem. Jealousy over the success of another is a sign that we believe their success somehow diminishes us! Only unhealthy and hungry egos react this way. These egos will resist hiring anyone who might outshine them in some area, and is a dangerous trait.

Taking credit for success and deflecting blame for failure.
This happens in ministry, business, politics, and everywhere there are people. We love to overinflate our abilities and underinflate our weaknesses. Accolades feed our hungry egos, and those same hungry egos don't want to admit failure, so they deflect it to others. Healthy egos share success with the team and are willing to take responsibility for failure. Healthy egos never need to be fed at the expense of others in success or failure.

A critical spirit
Critical spirits can come from a need to build ourselves up by putting others down or an attitude of superiority - both of which are connected to unhealthy egos. If we become critical, we must ask ourselves why we see a need to diminish rather than encourage others. An attitude of criticism is rarely a sign of a healthy leader, and it usually has to do more with them than with those they are critical of.

Slowing down on learning and developing
How is this related to ego? It is an assumption that we no longer need to learn new things or put it another way; we already know all that we need to know. That is a lie of our ego. The need to invest more time in learning is critical because our world is changing at an increasing rate. Humble individuals invest in learning, while proud people feel they don't need to.

Why defensiveness can be deadly

Defensiveness seems to be common among ministry leaders. I believe that this is because it is very difficult for them to separate themselves from their ministry and therefor any perceived disagreement with something in the ministry is seen as a personal attack against them. Whatever the reason for defensiveness, it can have deadly consequences.

Defensive behavior can take many forms. It can be anger, the shutting down of discussion, using one's authority to intimidate staff, communicating by body language that one is unhappy that a topic has been broached, marginalizing people who disagree with them. All of us are guilty of it from time to time but healthy individuals work hard to live non-defensively with a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude.

Why is defensiveness so unhealthy?

First, it comes from our own dishealth or poor EQ. Not once in the gospels do you see Jesus defensive no matter what the pharisees goaded Him with - and they tried hard! He listened to them, He was rarely reactive and when He was it was never without a purpose (driving the moneylenders from the temple). He often responded to the goading of the Pharisees with a question. On the other hand the Pharisees were continually displaying defensive attitudes. 

Defensiveness is part of our sinful nature and the need to prove something or to be right or to keep our pride. It is really self righteousness. Non-defensiveness, on the other hand is not worried about any of those things. It comes from a healthy place that is self-defined but not needing to prove anything. For healthy people, life is a journey toward not needing to prove things to others. We are OK with their opinions because we are OK with ourselves and our positions. 

Second, defensiveness hurts relationships. For those of us who are married, think of how damaging some of our conflict with our spouses has been because neither of us was willing to admit fault or give on our position! Defensiveness pushes others away while non-defensiveness invites them into relationship. 

Third, defensiveness hurts us. Usually we are defensive over something because we don't want to be challenged, and know that there is some truth in what is being said. Why would we be defensive if there is not some truth involved?  If we listened and asked some questions it might be that we would learn something. We have everything to gain by listening and nothing to lose. 

Again, I would look to the example of Jesus in the Gospels and the Fruit of His Spirit and ask whether defensiveness should be part of our lives. 

The difference between defensiveness and defending your position

I am a big fan of good EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and one of the hallmarks of good EQ is the ability to be non-defensive when challenged. A non-defensive posture is one where we can listen to the push back of others without our emotions getting in the way (anger, anxiety), listen with respect and have a productive dialogue.

But non-defensiveness does not mean that we do not defend our position on a matter. In fact, people with good EQ are self-defined. They know what they think and are able to state their position clearly, even with those who might disagree.

This raises an interesting issue. I often hear people say about others, "They would not listen to me," or "they were defensive." What they are usually saying is "They did not agree with me." Those are not the same thing. I can non-defensively listen to another position while still holding my own and defending it. If I listen to you carefully and don't get hijacked by my emotions, I can do it non-defensively and still defend my particular position. Because I did not agree with the other party does not mean that I did not listen or became defensive. It simply means that I hold a different view and did not change my mind to agree with them.

In fact, a sign of poor EQ is the expectation that because I believe something that others need to agree with me. Often that will not be the case and it is why collaborative decision making is both characterized by robust dialogue and better decisions. Each of us can bring the best to the table.

Don't be afraid to defend your position while being open to modifying it if there is good reason to. And don't assume that people didn't listen to others or were defensive just because they did not agree. 

Non-defensive living: Nothing to prove, nothing to lose

It is rare to find a truly non defensive individual but where you do you have an easy person to talk to because they have intentionally developed an attitude of nothing to prove, nothing to lose.

If I have nothing to prove, I don't need to be right all the time, I don't need to have all the answers, and I have nothing to be defensive about when I receive a word of criticism or counsel. That does not mean that I must agree with the evaluation being shared but I can evaluate it from a more neutral position because I don't have anything to prove.

Those who have nothing to prove and nothing to lose have open faces that invite conversation and dialogue while those who are defensive have closed faces that say, "don't go there." One invites conversation, the other shuts conversation down - fast.

Defensiveness comes out of two core and unhealthy needs. The need to be right and the need to not lose "face." The need to be right is plain arrogance (none of us are always right) and the need to not lose "face" is simply our pride which is an artificial shell we erect around ourselves to project the image of something we are really not.

Both arrogance and pride are products of our lower nature, are routinely on the list of things God hates (see Proverbs) and are the root of defensive attitudes.

Healthy individuals intentionally cultivate an attitude of nothing to prove, nothing to lose. They are open to criticism or evaluation because they do not feel a need to prove anything and are comfortable enough in their own skin that they are not afraid of losing anything.

It is an attitude of healthy humility that comes out of an inner core of personal confidence, healthy self image and an open spirit. There is no hint of arrogance or pride - thus there is no personal defensiveness.

Think of the people you know well. Which of them respond with openness to suggestions or evaluation? Which of them bristle and shut down the conversation? How do you do in this area?

It is a good mantra to remember: Nothing to prove, nothing to lose.

What leaders need to know

Have you ever sat down with a friend or colleague or leader to gently try to tell them something that they really needed to hear but the moment they realized you were addressing something they perceived as critical, the defenses went up, the body language told you that the conversation was not going to be easy and instead of a dialogue there was only a defensive response?

This is all too common, especially among ministry types (I am one) who seem to be more defensive than the general population because their ministry (what they do) is so wrapped up with themselves (who they are) that it is hard for them to take a step back, listen to counsel, advice or honest feedback without feeling that they and their ministry are being attacked.

The result for ministry leaders is that they often do not hear what people are really thinking because they have trained them that they are not responsive to honest feedback that they might construe as criticism.

I was once tasked to solve a difficult financial issue and when I presented my findings and solutions to my ministry leader he became angry, defensive and called me arrogant. Why? Because he did not want to hear "bad news" that challenged his paradigm of how things should be. With a response like that, he was training his people not to give him honest feedback because we knew that he didn't want to hear it and that it would not be a pleasant conversation.

This raises two questions for leaders. The first is, "Can I overcome my fear of hearing something that I may not want to hear and do so in a way that invites honest feedback rather than pushing it away?"

The reason we would resist honest feedback is that we are fearful that it reflects poorly on us. That is the source of our defensiveness. It is also an indication of poor emotional intelligence (EQ) because people with healthy EQ are open, non-defensive, and exhibit a "nothing to prove, nothing to lose" attitude. Indeed they not only invite feedback but when they get it they engage in non-defensive conversation to draw out the issues and seek to understand what the individual is saying.

In Proverbs, it is the classic "fool" who resists counsel and feedback, while the "wise" invites it and listens to it.

This raises a second important question: "Why would I risk the danger of not knowing what people really think by resisting honest feedback?" The end result of defensiveness in the face of feedback is that people often stop telling us what they really think and only what they think we want to hear.

There are two predictable outcomes of this scenario. One is that we don't know what is going on within our own team or organization and the second is that our defensiveness creates cynicism by people who do not feel like they can be honest. Both are dangerous for a leader.

I once suggested to a Christian leader whom I consulted with that he did not know what his people really thought about him because of his defensive attitude. He just looked at me with a blank face that said, "I don't care." He is in for a rude awakening when his leadership comes apart and he discovers that he has alienated many of his staff. His fear of knowing their true feelings was greater than the danger of not knowing but he will discover that in the end the danger of not knowing is higher than the fear of knowing.

Healthy leaders want honest feedback for the sake of their ability to lead well and for the health of the organization. Their healthy EQ invites honest conversation and they keep their anxiety and fear under control so that they are open to suggestions, critique and feedback. They listen carefully and then evaluate the information for its truth or relevancy. They do not need to agree with the feedback but they want to know what people are thinking. 

Overcoming defensive attitudes

Defensiveness among leaders can have a devastating impact on our ability to lead. Defensive leaders end up hurting themselves because their defensiveness prevents people from telling them the truth and if you don’t know the truth about what others think it is very difficult to lead. I would rather know facts I don’t like than not know them at all.

The root of defensiveness is personal insecurity. The logic goes something like this: “If I am wrong, then I am not a good leader so I cannot be wrong. If I cannot afford to be wrong I will push back on those who think another path is a better one.”

Ironically, in adopting a defensive posture, leaders actually lose credibility with others even though they feel they have preserved it by defending their position. Defensive leaders live with the allusion that they know what people think when in reality their defensiveness leaves them clueless and deeply vulnerable as a result.

When leaders are defensive those they lead talk about them to one another rather to them. It may not be healthy but they have trained their team not to address certain issues. Team members are smart enough to know what opinions they are allowed to share and where they need to keep silent.

The cost of defensiveness is not only that of not knowing what others think but a great loss of intellectual capital. It is in multiple counselors and robust dialogue that we come to the best strategy. In addition, it is in the process of that dialogue that we come to a shared ownership of the strategy. But this requires the ability to engage in honest and forthright dialogue. To the extent that a leader is insecure and defensive, that dialogue will not take place. As Lencioni points out in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, dialogue builds trust while the lack of it generates mistrust.

Over the years I have adopted a principle that I seek to live by: Nothing to prove, nothing to lose. I only need to be right if I have something to prove. If I have nothing to prove I no longer need to be right. Further, I only have something to lose if I’m trying to prove something. If I have nothing to prove, then by definition I have nothing to lose. If leaders understood and lived this principle they would not live with the huge amount of anxiety they live with – anxiety caused by the need to be right – and therefore be a “great leader.”

With an attitude of nothing to prove, nothing to lose, I remind myself when others push back or even attack (it does happen to all leaders) that it is OK. I no longer need to be right, nor do I fear being proved wrong (all of us are at times). I can just be me with great openness to the opinions of others. I do not need to agree with others but I don’t need be defensive with others. In fact, it is through a non defensive attitude that I get the very best thoughts from those on my team and in the organization I lead. It is only through a non defensive attitude that we get the very best intellectual capital and best tackle the problems and opportunities we face.