For better or for worse and 13,140 bricks

When Mary Ann and I said those five words 36 years ago we said them with great conviction, hope and optimism but knowing nothing about their true implications - because we had no idea what the better or worse would entail. The better has been better than we could have imagined and the worse has been worse than we ever anticipated. It has simply been 36 years of real life not understood or anticipated at the tender age of 20.


For better or for worse are powerful words because it is in the better and the worse that two individuals forge the most powerful partnership and abiding mature love. I think of every day of marriage as a brick in a wall. After one year we had 365 bricks laid. Today we have 13,140. After year one we had a small fragile wall. Today we are on our way to a strong fortress. Some of those bricks were laid easily and some with great cost. But each one, sealed with the mortar of commitment builds a stronger wall: one brick at a time.


This is why we honor people who have been married for many years. We know that it was not an easy journey and we celebrate those who have been able to make the long journey together.


It is easy for our marriages to go on auto pilot. But stop and think of the fortress you are building together one day at a time. Every day, every brick, strengthens the marriage and ironically while we love the great times, it is the hard times that bring the strongest bond. Fighting battles together builds a bond that is hard to break - if we fight them together and not alone.


Grace, forgiveness and patience figure prominently into those bricks and mortar. Cracks in the wall if ignored will eventually cause its failure and collapse. Ignore the cracks and they get worse. Fix them and the wall is again strong. It takes attention, remedial action and sometimes the rebuilding of sections of the wall. Sections rebuilt are particularly precious because someone took the time to fix what was broken and make it whole. Rebuilding can be some of the hardest work but when finished some of the most satisfying.


The strongest walls are made between three people, not two - by inviting the Holy Spirit into our relationships. Through His transformation our sin is not only dealt with in forgiveness but our very character is changed over time into His. His presence makes all the difference in the health and growth of our relationships.


I intend to build a fortress with Mary Ann. What are you building?

Image management or heart management

All of us to one extent to another seek to manage our image. We want to look the best to others. In its most extreme forms, image management becomes narcissism and the inability to admit fault or to say "I was wrong." In its milder forms it manifests itself in not being fully transparent even when we are with safe people. We like to manage our image and we want people to see the managed version of us rather than the full and real us.


Think about this, however. Image management is simply about managing the outward appearance of our lives. It is no less "spin" than what we see Hollywood and government do every day. Image management is about making the outward facade of our lives look good. And it is totally the wrong focus.


What should concern us is heart management, not image management. If we manage our hearts well, we have no need to manage our image because what is inside will be what is manifested outside. Image management is only necessary when we have not managed our hearts and therefore need to make our outer self look clean knowing that there is an inner self that is not.


This is why Jesus called the Pharisees "whitewashed tombs" (nice on the outside and a corpse on the inside) and told us that what comes out of a man is simply a manifestation of what is in his heart. Manage our hearts, or as the Proverbs says, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" and image management is no longer necessary. 


Here is the irony. Image management is a clue to us that we are neglecting something in our hearts. That neglect causes us to need to pretend all is well. If we find ourselves managing our image we ought to reflect on what it is that we are hiding from others and why. And rather than putting our energy into managing our image, we can put it to work managing our heart. 

Quiet, patient, faithful courage

There are a segment among us who we need to encourage and give honor to. It is those who live with long term illness and pain and who endure it with patient, faithful courage. The cross they take up daily is a hard one because for many it is a constant one all day, every day.


Few things train us to trust God more fully than ongoing unremitting pain. Paul prayed that God would take His away and God declined saying that His strength was made perfect in His weakness. My dear friend Ann lives with it as she struggles with cancer treatments as does another friend Roger. 


What amazes me is how they handle it with a grace that seems supernatural - and that is exactly the case. It is the daily presence of Jesus and their trust in Him which makes all the difference. But the choice to press into Him daily is no less hard.


My friend, Joni Erikson Tada talks about the inner struggle she faces every morning when she wakes up and has to face the long and painful process of getting ready for her day. Every day she must make a choice and many days it is a hard choice that is a matter of sheer will.


The church needs to come alongside those who struggle with ongoing unremitting pain. Prayer, visits, practical help, meals, words of encouragement (and not flip encouragement or glib statements about God's presence). 


I pray for those who live a quiet, patient, faithful and courageous life with deep pain. I count them as heroes who know what it is to walk a hard path. I count them lucky for the grace they daily experience in the hard places. Don't ignore those in your midst who walk this path.

Persuasion or pushing: Know the difference

Have you ever met someone whose persuasive gifts left you feeling deflated, disempowered, demeaned or coerced after a conversation where they were trying to convince you to agree with them or a course of action they wanted to take? Consider this: that feeling is not simply the feeling of being outgunned by a persuasive leader. Rather, they crossed a line from persuasion to pushing you into submission. That is why you left the conversation feeling demeaned or manipulated.

In my younger years, I could be guilty of this at times, having been a debater in High School who did quite well in that arena. It worked not so well in my marriage and with others however!

The art of persuasion is an important one for a leader, especially those who choose to lead out of influence rather than from positional power. Persuasion, however, should never be manipulative. It is the ability to move people's thinking their way by making a strong and reasoned case for what they suggesting. It never seeks to force the other party to see things their way.

Persuasion crosses a line from healthy to pushy when the force of the argument starts to feel manipulative and coercing to the other party. Now it is not persuasion by reasoned thinking but by force of personality. And when we feel violated by a leader in a conversation it is usually because they have crossed that line and we don't feel we have a way to maneuver within the conversation.. Healthy leaders never try to force others to agree.

What can one do when confronted with a force of personality that starts to feel manipulative or coercive? If you are on the receiving end consider these kinds of approaches.

"Jim, I am feeling like the only OK response is to agree with you. Do I have the option of disagreeing on this matter?"

"Susan, I am feeling like you are pushing very hard for me to agree with you. Is there a reason you feel so strongly on this?"

"John, it feels like you have put me in a corner where I must agree with you. I am not on the same page on this issue so can you give me some space to make an independent decision?"

"Bill I am feeling pressured by you on this and it does not feel good."

By asking the questions or making the statements, the goal is to help the other party understand how you are feeling about the conversation and bring down the level of pressure. You may also discover the reasons that the other party feels so strongly on the issue. Either way, it usually reopens the conversation on a different tenor which is a good thing.

True Acccountability

I have mixed feelings about accountability relationships. If someone wants to hide things they will and they will lie to your face if they have been hiding things from others. People do it all the time. The fact that one has an "accountability relationship" does not keep it from happening. It is a matter of the heart, not the "system" to keep us on the straight and narrow. People who are into image management will be untruthful in order to protect their image. All of us are capable of lying to others!


True accountability comes out of a commitment to be transparent with a group of trusted friends because we choose to and want to. In other words, the real accountability comes not from the outside and others but from the inside and us. It is not something imposed but something chosen for the sake of our spiritual lives. And, it comes out of deep trusting relationships with people who we know will call out the best in us. 


True accountability is not a program. It is a frame of reference that desires to be in community with like minded people for the sake of the pilgrimage we are all on. It desires to both influence others and be influenced by others who have the same Jesus commitment. It is not a checklist of questions but rather a life on life relationship where who we are rubs off on those we are committed to and who they are rubs off on us. It comes out of relationship and a heart that   wants to go the distance with others who are on the same path.


I want the relationships of true accountability as a lifestyle and not as a program or checklist. I want to travel with fellow pilgrims who will call out the best in me and with whom I can call out the best in return.

Giving credit away

Leaders take way too much credit for their success for in reality our success when we see it is less a factor of what we have done and more a factor of what our team has done. That is not a statement of false humility but one of true reality. 


We as leaders may set the pace and direction but it is staff and teams who through collaborative effort make things happen. Too often, however, we are content to take the credit for success rather than lifting up those who did the hardest work, our team. By far, good work in execution is harder than good work that leaders do in setting the direction.


Giving credit away is not always a public thing. The simple act of thanking a staff member for what they are doing with specific explanation of how their contribution has made a difference is a powerful conversation. Many would prefer that over public recognition. And it lets staff know that you have noticed what they do, are aware of their work and deeply appreciate it.


Doing something nice for your team, something that actually costs something once in a while also sends a powerful message. Even in an age of frugality, splurging once in a while on your staff says, "I appreciate you and your work." 


Leaders are often visited by other leaders. Make a point to introduce those who visit you with members of your team that are present in the office. You send a dual message by doing so: to your staff that they are important and to your visitors that you value your staff. 


Finally make it a point to greet your staff and ask about their personal lives and family. They are not simply valuable because they work for you but because they are God's son or daughter. Treat them like you would a family member by showing interest in them as persons, not simply as employees.


If team means anything it means sharing credit with those who together with you make things happen. Your loyalty and appreciation to them will make them loyal and appreciative of you and your leadership. Be generous in sharing credit.

When all options are bad options

Let me pose an interesting dilemma. There are times that we face situations in our ministries where a crisis has occurred, or a decision must be made and all available options seem to be bad options. 

Here is an example: There is a financial crisis that must be fixed but the pain of fixing it is going to be painful because there are no good options. Any and all decisions on the table are hard decisions that will bring some kind of pain. Or you have a personnel decision that needs to be dealt with but there seems to be no upside in the choices you have in dealing with it. There are times when the only choices we have are bad choices.

I have seen a variety of responses to situations where all the options are bad options. One response is for leaders to not act at all because they want a good option and they see none. Humanly speaking this is understandable as none of us want to deal with the fallout of bad options. Of course, this simply delays the inevitable and the options rarely get better by waiting. 

The exception is with personnel issues where waiting can be a viable option if behaviors known to a few become evident to many by giving the issue time thus minimizing the fallout when a decision is made. However, this is not ignoring the issue but choosing to wait on the issue - a strategic difference.

A second response is to face the bad options realistically and choose the best of the bad options. This is often true in financial situations or where a staff member has caused a situation that is going to be painful to address no matter what. 

I recently moderated such a situation internationally where there was not going to be an outcome that was going to be good for either party because of past decisions that others had made. While closure was needed, it was going to be a closure that both parties had to swallow hard to accept. This is often the case in church conflict situations as well where the conflict has become so complicated and contentious that in the short term all that will be experienced is pain. 

There is good news however. If leaders will wisely choose a course of action knowing they have no good current options, and knowing that there will be short term pain, there can be long term gains simply because they were willing to do the hard work of tackling the issue in spite of the pain in the process. Choosing the best of bad options today can lead to closure and health down the line. 

At times, leadership is nothing more than choosing between bad and painful options. But being willing to make the choice for the sake of a healthier future.