Taking up the offenses of others

It is an all too common scenario. Someone commits an offense against a friend of ours, we hear about it and we take up the offense as well - harboring ill will toward the one who hurt our friend, and even on occasion speaking ill of them to others.

Taking up the offense of others is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and is a destructive practice. In getting sucked into this practice we often cause relational breakdown with the one who we believe hurt our friend, are guilty of hurting their reputation through gossip, and in a ministry setting, hurt the cause of Christ - without any first hand knowledge of the facts of the matter.

Let me give a first hand example. Years ago, a colleague who worked in the same organization as I decided that I was a "bad" person (I think the actual description on their part could have been stronger than that). They shared their opinion of me with others, most of whom were healthy enough to figure out there was another side to the story. But a few, without any firsthand knowledge took up their opinion and felt free to harbor both animus against me as well as share that animus with others.

Interestingly, those who took up the crusade had no first hand knowledge or interaction that would back up the "charges" and "opinions." Yet they took on an offense and have lived with that offense for years.

The sad thing is that there is no way I can develop a healthy relationship with those individuals or colloborate with them for the cause of the gospel. Their decision to take on the offense of others has built a wall between us that I cannot remove (and did not build). In fact, they have never talked to me personally about their animus toward me but have felt free to talk to others.
It is not about my reputation, that is in the hands of God. It is about healthy relationships, healthy emotional intelligence and the impact those have on Kingdom work.

It happens to many of us but it is a highly unproductive and unhealthy practice. Each of us is responsible for our relationships with others, for keeping short accounts, and for treating others with dignity. If I violate those principles I need to make it right.

But, I am not responsible for the relationships of other people and if there is relational disconnect between others, I can encourage them to make it right, offer to help make it right but what I should not do is take on their offense. It is their issue, not mine. In fact, to believe as "fact" negative information about another without any first hand knowledge is sin: It is not "thinking the best of others," and when we share our negative opinions in the absence of first hand knowledge it is nothing more than gossip.

I wonder how much relational destruction has been done in the Kingdom by people taking up the offenses of others - and in many cases assuming facts and spreading information that has no real basis in fact. It is simply second hand information that may or may not be true

When tempted to take on the offense of others ask yourself:

• Do I have first hand information that the information is true?
• Have I tried to help solve the relational disconnect?
• Have I inquired of the one under indictment whether my understanding is a correct one?
• Is the issue one that is any of my business?
• Do I want to take the chance that by taking on the offense I may be guilty of attitudes and words that are untrue, hurt others and ultimately hurt the work of God?
• Might there be another side to what I have heard?

We have enough challenges in our own relationships to take on the issues of others - which are not our issues.

Insecure leaders

Insecure leaders harm relationships which has a ripple affect down through the ministry. Thus the question becomes, can we increase our EQ (Emotional Intelligence) so that we grow and maintain healthy relationships and don't cause the relational chaos that so often occurs with insecure leaders.

Most people can grow in this area but it can take practice. Here are some suggestions.

Practice an open attitude toward those who criticize or suggest alternate options. You may not feel like having an open attitude but this can be learned. The key to being perceived as open (even if you don't feel like it) is to not react defensively or verbally to those who may disagree but rather to default to questions like, "help me understand," or "unpack that for me." What we are doing is communicating that we are open to dialogue rather than simply being closed.

Dialogue with those who would take an alternate route is one of the most important practices of anyone who has healthy EQ. Closed people tell, declare or clam up while open people dialogue, ask clarifying questions and keep the conversation going.

Dialogue should be combined with the practice of "thinking grey." When thinking grey we are open to options, opinions, opportunities and have not made up our minds. Insecure leaders don't think grey, they need their way or need to be seen to have an answer. Secure leaders are open to all input before they make up their minds.

Thinking grey allows one to learn the art of compromise. Here is the deal. None of us are all wise or right all the time. There is a reason that when God designed church leadership He designed it as a team of overseers or elders. Compromise is not a negative word. We don't compromise on moral issues but we learn to be flexible on other issues. Healthy leaders are flexible, they listen and they don't die on hills that they don't need to die on.

Flexibility is really about humility. Pride says, I must have my way. Humility says, it is not about me but about us. The longer I lead the more I realize that there is a whole lot I don't know and humility means that I am willing to bring others into decisions I make - especially those who might not agree with me. It is easy to be "humble" with those who agree with us - not so easy with those who look at ministry differently.

One can see how these practices build relationship where the alternative destroys relationships. Good practices in relationships build while poor practices destroy. How are you doing?

Creating intentional waves

Organizations, teams and groups crave equilibrium - predictability. Especially in Christian contexts there is also an aversion to strong disagreement or "conflict." The phrase "don't rock the boat" reflects most people's aversion to surprises or major change. We are more comfortable on calm seas then in the waves.

In fact, so comfortable are many organizations with the status quo that they are willing to drift into decline and even oblivion rather than create waves. We watched General Motors do that in recent times. They lived in a fairy tale world while the world around them changed dramatically but with its change adverse culture no one was willing to create some waves, wake people up, help them smell the coffee and realize that it was not 1960 anymore!

Churches, mission organizations, and Christian ministries often do the same thing. And many are living like General Motors did.

Without a crisis major change does not occur in an organization. Yet without major change, organizations become obsolete. This is why wise leaders regularly create a crisis - they intentionally create waves that cause discomfort to the system because without shocking the system the system always returns to its comfortable equilibrium.

Waves are not bad and leaders often need to create waves and even some anxiety if they are going to convince others that change is needed. Over a decade ago, we intentionally created a crisis in our denominational office to convince our staff that either we needed to change - to become a premier service organization for our churches - or we would become unnecessary and obsolete. It was not a comfortable time for our staff but it had the desired result of helping us change our culture.

Leaders create waves, sometimes small, other times large, to rock the boat, upset the equilibrium, get people's attention and force the organization to look at some issue differently. If someone had done that at General Motors years ago, they would not have found themselves in the spot they did. The same is true for many churches who are quietly drifting into irrelevancy oblivious to the fact.

When equilibrium is disturbed, people begin to talk about issues and solutions that they otherwise would not discuss. The REVEAL study done by Willowcreek Community Church on spiritual formation created a crisis in many churches as they realized that their assumptions about life change were in fact flawed. That has sparked huge conversation around how spiritual formation actually takes place and we will all be better for it.

As in the REVEAL study, leaders create waves by asking tough questions about the assumptions that often underlie our ministries. Those questions are uncomfortable and perhaps intimidating but they force the organization to think differently and to engage in significant dialogue. As our world changes at an ever more rapid pace, the need to create waves that spark discussion and new thinking becomes all the more important.

Some leaders are intimidated by the prospects of disequilibrium because they cannot control where the waves will lead. That is true! But with an organization full of good people, the likelihood is that the discussion and dialogue will create a pretty good solution.

In our mission, I intentionally created waves several years ago by suggesting that we wanted to be planting churches internationally that were healthy, indigenous, self-supporting, interdependent and reproducing - and that many of the churches we planted or groups we worked with were not committed to these things.

My white paper was taken by some to be unrealistic, by others to be a slam on what we had been doing and by others to be a threat to the status quo.

But it sparked a great deal of discussion (not all of it comfortable) and in the end we sharpened our understanding and goals for the kinds of churches we wanted to plant and the strategies we would use to accomplish it. But I had to be willing to create a crisis in order for the dialogue to take place - and take the risk of a period of uncertainty as that dialogue was going on.

In fact, when leaders are no longer willing to create waves (it can be uncomfortable for them as well) it is time for them to step aside.

Spiritual Transformation

The goal of Jesus for our lives is to take the unique us that he created, with our gifting and wiring and through our relationship with Jesus and the residence of the Holy Spirit in our lives create a better us – the kind of us that we would have been before creation became undone and sin entered the world.

This is the process of stripping our lives of those things that don’t reflect the image of God and putting on those things that do. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-24).

The process of putting off those things that are unhealthy and putting on those things that are like Jesus is not an easy process. The times where we see the most progress in this transformation are during tough times when the real us is exposed in all its reality (sometimes ugliness) and we are forced to press into Christ in a deeper, more authentic way because we have nowhere else to turn. That is why we call Life Undone an unlikely gift.

In the process, God forges the us that we were designed and created to be. The us that will have the impact on our world that God wants us to have. The us that is increasingly transformed into the image of Jesus – remember we were originally created in the image of God – so God through Jesus is recreating us in His image. It happens most powerfully in the hard times of life.

My first experience with life undone caused me to enter into a study of God’s grace that continues to this day. I moved from being performance oriented in my relationship with God to learning how to live in his gracious grace. That transformation changed my relationship both with God and with others.

I also learned that not all problems are solved this side of eternity and that God may choose not to answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to because He had greater purposes for what He wanted me to learn and places He wanted me to grow. I learned to trust Him in the face of injustice and pain that I could not solve. This was a painful lesson but one that has given me a deeper perspective on God’s purposes in our lives.

In my significant illnesses I learned firsthand that God can do the miraculous, and that I am the recipient of his undeserved grace by choosing to spare my life. That has changed the way I look at every day – as an undeserved gift to be used for Him. I live on borrowed time. In my Thailand experience, staring death in the face, being awake on the ventilator I learned that I can experience the peace of God and trust Him no matter what the outcome. He was all I had and He was enough.

These are deeply transforming experiences that only come from deep pain and hard times. These transformative experiences are not merely intellectual but they penetrate the deepest part of our lives which is why they change us. No sermon or book can match the power of transformative experiences forged in pain!

One of the byproducts of deep pain is that it brings to the surface other issues that are unresolved in our lives, lurking below the surface which we have been able to ignore, until our pain in another area brings it to the surface.

Early in my ministry, after experiencing great pain I went to see a counselor about issues that had no direction connection to the situation I faced but which the pain brought to the surface. It is always a blessing when unresolved areas of life come to our attention because it is as we deal with those that we become the me God wants us to be. Never ignore what pain reveals.

As I look back on times when life has come undone, times that were excruciatingly hard and painful in the process, I realize that all the major growth and transformative experiences of my life came in those times and their aftermath. Painful as they were how can I be anything but grateful to God for the opportunity to experience transformation that never would have happened without them? And in the process I have participated in the “fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead” (Philippians 3:10).

If you have experienced great pain in your life, as life is redone, as it comes back together for you, pay close attention to the transformation that has taken place in your life. Places where God has made Himself better known to you, lessons you have learned. Pay attention and think about them because these are precisely the transformative experiences he wants for you so that you becomes a better you as God’s character and purposes become a greater part of your life.

Whether or not you journal, I would encourage you to put down on paper the lessons you have learned and the places where you have experienced transformation. Remember, these are the most significant opportunities for you to experience the spiritual transformation God wants for each of us. So, the more you pay attention to what God is doing in your heart, and cooperate with that work He is doing, the more you gain from having been in the heat of His forge.

Key Result Areas and Annual Ministry Plans

It is so simple, so basic but it makes all the difference in the world in terms of what your team or staff accomplish. Simply put, every member of your team ought to know two things: What their goals are (and what you will hold them accountable for) and what their plan for accomplishing those goals is.

The goals are KRAs or Key Result Areas. The plans are AMPs or Annual Ministry Plans.

Knowing the goal and having a plan gives clarity to both team members and supervisors. It moves people from ambiguous ministry activity to clear ministry results. The clarity also makes evaluation objective. Either the staff member has worked the plan or they have not. It does not have to be perfect, it is about intentionality and results.

Interestingly, KRAs and AMPs are also a protection for staff members against supervisors who micromanage or frequently change their minds about what they want. Once the goals and plan is approved, they are free to work it and supervisors are not free to change it.

This very simple concept is a game changer for ministry staff. If you are not practicing it, you really need to! It will help you move from activity to results and from ambiguity to clarity.

In my experience, one reason ministry staff do not use KRAs and AMPs is that their leaders don't want the same accountability. Because it starts at the top.

Suffering and freedom

Life lived with God is a journey of becoming free. It is a journey from selfishness to selflessness, from sin to righteousness, from facades to authenticity, from living by the expectations of others to that of pleasing an audience of one, from our sinful nature to a life in the Spirit. Every step toward freedom is a step in the right direction. Jesus said, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." Freedom in Christ is a wonderful place to live.

As citizens of a world that has been interrupted by Satan, we are held captive by many things: pride; independence; materialism; success; self-sufficiency; the expectations of others; sinful habits; distractions from those things that are most important and selfish hearts.

Every time one of those captive makers are stripped from our lives we become more free, more like the person God created us to be and our hearts more like His. In a divine reversal, what we consider to be the ultimate disaster can in fact be a freedom maker.

Once I have experienced a great failure, I no longer need to worry about failing. Once I have lost my self sufficiency I no longer need to pretend I am self sufficient and am free to rely on God. Once having been humbled by suffering in its many versions, I can let go of my pride - I am forced to and it is freeing. Now I can just be me! No longer do I need to pretend I am something I am not. I am free to live with authenticity.

When I have not lived up to the expectations of others I realize that not only can I not pull that off but I don't need to. Another step toward freedom. The pain of suffering clarifies those things that are not really important in my life that I can jettison without guilt - and I am free to focus on what is truly important.

The focus of dealing with tough life situations brings to the surface sinful habits and tendencies that in my pain I realize are wrong and counterproductive. Leaving them behind gives me freedom.

In thousands of way, large and small, suffering points us toward Christ and faith and trust and humility and toward a greater life of freedom. Counter intuitively, life come undone contributes to a life of freedom.

Self interest or Kingdom interest

In Philippians 2:19, Paul makes a very interesting comment where he compares Timothy’s ministry motivation with the ministry motivation of others.

“I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, that I also may be cheered when I receive news about you. I have no one else like him, who takes a genuine interest in your welfare. For everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. But you know that Timothy has proved himself because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel” (Philippians 2:19-22).

Paul uses two descriptors for Timothy. First, that he takes a genuine interest in the welfare of the Philippians – that is he really cared about them and their welfare. And then Paul contrasts that with the majority of people when he adds, “For everyone looks out for his own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.” That is a sobering statement! Are we like Timothy who takes a genuine interest in the welfare of others or like the majority who look primarily after their own interests?

The proof, says Paul has been Timothy’s partnership with Paul in the work of the gospel. Timothy has a track record of faithful ministry to others and a genuine interest in their spiritual welfare, and he was willing to serve under Paul as a young minister – a mark of followership and humility – rather than to carve out a name and a place for himself.

The ministry world is full of people who are carving out names for themselves and under the guise of “ministry” are actually looking after their own interests, pursing their own dreams and doing their own thing rather than working under or with others for the spread of the gospel. And when it comes down to basic motivations it is really about them not others! Paul nails their motivation when he says they are not looking after the interests of Jesus Christ.

Paul’s comments cause me to ask myself today. What is my motivation? Is it “genuine” like Timothy’s or is it more about me than Him. Whose interests am I really looking after? The answer is often not how it looks on the outside but the motivation from the inside.