A very real gospel for very dark places - with YouTube link

From 1960 to 1971 I had the privilege of living in Hong Kong. Just blocks from where I lived in Kowloon City, near the old Kai Tak Airport (for those who remembering flying into) it was a slum of buildings called the Old Walled City. It was about 6.5 acres and was home to some 33,000 people. 

By the treaty that ceded Hong Kong Island and 12 square miles of Kowloon to Britain, and then the New Territories, this 6.5 acre site which was once a walled city remained the sovereign property of China. As a result, Hong Kong authorities had no real ability to police what went on inside. It became a warren of gangs, illegal activities, brothels, opium dens and the home to those who wanted to avoid the authorities. It was a rare occurrence that the police entered and when they did it was only in groups for their own safety.

As a youngster I went into the Old Walled City with an elderly Mennonite missionary who worked there. It was an experience one will never forget. Later on a missionary by the name of Jackie Pullinger worked in the city and was a light for the gospel in a very, very dark place.

Before Britain returned Hong Kong to China, Beijing asked them to tear down the slum that was the Old Walled City so they did not need to deal with it when they assumed control of Hong Kong. It is now a 6.5 acre park.

However, the story of the gospel in that dark place is deeply moving and I would urge you to take a few moments and watch this YouTube video of the slum and Jackie's take on how the gospel can transform even the most evil and dark places. As you watch think about the places where you know the gospel needs to penetrate today. It is a moving piece of history and ministry from Hong Kong - my home in my heart forever.

You cannot watch these five minutes and remain unchanged! If you do not see the video picture click here!

The challenge for leaders in their fifties and sixties

Leaders in their fifties and sixties face some unique challenges. How they handle those challenges determines whether they continue to grow as leaders and lead well or coast toward retirement.

It is easy for all of us to move toward our comfort zone and lose the leadership edge as we age. Furthermore, somewhere in their fifties someone who has led fairly well is often situated with a comfortable job, salary and having paid their dues can go on autopilot and for a time, no one will notice. For a time - but not forever.

The temptations are many. There is the temptation not to take on new challenges because of the physical and mental energy that new challenges take. There is the temptation not to make hard choices that will require one to cause waves. There is the temptation to not continue to pour oneself into new learning but to rest on what we have learned in the past. There is the temptation to stay where one is even when we know that we are not leading well because we are paid comfortably.

It takes a wise leader to realize that they are too comfortable, need a new challenge and are willing to take the steps to continue to grow, develop and stay energized. That does not necessarily mean a new job - although it may. It does mean a focused effort not to move into the comfort zone or to coast but to stay in the game as long as we are leading.

The signs of coasting include boredom, not taking on new initiatives, not pressing the missional agenda as we once did, questions from staff like "where are we going?" and the inability to make hard calls that need to be made.

When we are no longer willing to pay the price of hard calls that are necessary to be made we have moved from leading to comfort. One pays a price for hard calls, whether it be staff transitions or strategic decisions and when we are no longer willing to pay that price we have lost our ability to lead - even though we still have the title.

Leadership is a trust. Leaders are stewards of that trust. Good leaders don't violate that trust by moving into the comfort zone. Many do.

Coaching those with poor EQ

It is not easy to coach those with poor EQ (Emotional Intelligence) precisely because it usually means that they do not understand how their actions, words or attitudes impact others. In fact, part of good EQ is understanding ourselves and how we are perceived by others and how we impact others. If my own self awareness is low it is very hard to understand why I might have a negative impact on those around me.

So how does one coach those whose self awareness is low? While not easy I have several suggestions.

First, and this is not easy, it is critical to have an honest and direct conversation with the one being coached on how they are negatively impacting others. Because their self awareness is low they will probably not have a flash of understanding and thank you for your concern. Rather, they will likely become defensive or seem clueless as to what you are talking about. Since they are not very self aware your news will be news to them and they often will not initially believe you.

That is why it is critical, second, to give them very concrete examples of what you are talking about: "Tim, in that meeting when you....this is how it was perceived by others and this is why they reacted negatively to you." Concrete examples are absolutely essential if you want someone with poor EQ to understand what you are talking about. They are likely to push back and say something like "well that is who I am" or "I am just being honest." While both may be true they need to understand that how they did what they did was disempowering to others and not acceptable in your organization.

Third, people with poor EQ often need very practical tools for avoiding problematic behaviors. So for instance, one friend I have been coaching tends to shut down when criticized - a bad thing for a leader to do. My suggestion to him was simple. When tempted to shut down, immediately engage. In other words the emotion to shut down should be a trigger and a reminder to engage, the very thing that will allow him to change the perception that when challenged he goes silent. Giving practical tools for dealing with EQ deficits can change the equation for one who wants to grow.

Fourth, give ongoing, direct, fast and candid feedback (in private) whenever problematic behaviors emerge. It is the very thing needed because philosophical discussions about EQ don't work with those who have deficits. They need clear examples. This can be followed up by the question, how might you respond differently in the future in order to get a different outcome? Again, that goes to developing their response toolbox.

Finally, if you are dealing with significant deficits be clear that their behaviors will not work in your organization and they need to get very serious about resolving them. Some need to understand that if they do not manage themselves better they may actually need to move on. 

Theology and leadership dichotomies

I am always bemused by the artificial dichotomy that many believers seem to have between spirituality and leadership or theology and leadership. It comes up in statements like "You cannot run a church like a business" as if all business principles are exclusive from church management: HR; budgets; plans; accountability; staff reviews; healthy teams; and the like. I want to say "really?" "Have you thought about that?"

Just recently one of those reviewing one of my books on Amazon wrote this: "He gives some good practical guidance but seems to be more from a CEO perspective than a theological one." Now that assumes that the Bible has nothing to say about leadership and teams or that good leadership and healthy teams are just that and have no spiritual significance. Do good leadership and healthy teams not matter in the ministry arena? I suspect many in the ministry arena wished their leaders had just an ounce of CEO perspective in them!

Why do we make such dichotomies? If you have ever served in a ministry capacity you know that leadership principles matter as much there as they do anywhere else. I suppose some need a proof text for everything but that is not what the Bible is for. I suspect the stakes are even higher in the ministry arena on the leadership side as the end results are eternal rather than temporal.

It is said of David that he led them with "skillful hands and integrity of heart." There you have the both and rather than the either or. Skillful hands has to do with good and wise leadership while integrity of heart has to do with the spiritual underpinnings from which that leadership came.

Don't dichotomize what God does not. It is black and white thinking that does not do justice to Scripture or the realities in which we live.

Emotional Intelligence and the Holy Spirit

Daniel Goleman (a great author on this subject) did not invent EQ - God did. Emotional intelligence is all about managing our emotions so that they do not get us into trouble and allow us to keep healthy relationships. 

In that light, the Fruit of the Spirit, for instance takes on new meaning. "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control." All of these would be considered good EQ! The acts of the lower nature (Galatians 5) would be considered bad EQ: fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy..and the like.

Think of some of the admonitions of Ephesians in this regard:

• Be completely humble and gentle
• be patient, bearing with one another in love
• Make every effort to keep the bond of peace
• put off falsehood and speak truth fully
• Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry
• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs
• get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.
• Be kind and compassionate
• Forgive one another

All of these behaviors are pleasing to God and all are signs of good emotional intelligence as we manage our emotions and reactions in ways that are productive rather than unproductive.

So think about this: Christ followers above all should have some of the best cultivated EQ because for us it is both a matter of obedience to Jesus and we have the Holy Spirit to help us make it a reality in our everyday experience. 

Good EQ is not a secular concept but a deeply biblical one. Growing our EQ is part of growing into who God designed us to be through His Holy Spirit. As a student of EQ in the secular literature and the Scriptures I am constantly reminded that EQ is a deeply biblical principle. 

Avoiding emotional triangles

One of the signs of healthy emotional intelligence is the ability to be "self defining" - having one's own view and opinion of situations and people without being "drawn into" the opinions or issues of others. Both emotional triangles and enmeshment are signs of poor EQ, whether by the one who does the triangulation or the one who is drawn into the triangulation.

For instance, it is not unusual for someone who has an "issue" with another individual to seek to draw other people into their "issue" by speaking ill of them (often subtly to first see if there is resonance) and looking for others to join them in their opinion. This makes the one with the "issue" feel better (they have others who now share their opinion) and it allies others with them against the one with whom they have an issue. It can be very subtle but the results are not!

This often happens in families, in workplaces, in ministries and in congregations. It divides people, hurts relationships and can cause relational chaos on a team or within a group. And it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence on the part of the perpetrator as well as those who choose to join the perpetrator.

Individuals with healthy emotional intelligence keep their own counsel on people and situations. They do not allow themselves to be drawn into alliances with others against others. They are able to think for themselves and understand that they are responsible for their relationships with both parties and they do not allow others to define those relationships for them.

In addition, they immediately recognize when someone tries to "draw them in" that what they are hearing is probably not reality - that there is a reason that they are being lobbied toward a certain view or attitude. In fact, rather than being drawn in, emotionally healthy individuals immediately recognize that they are dealing with someone with poor EQ and they are wary of the information they are receiving.

How can one deal with situations where one is being subtly lobbied to agree with one party against another (triangulation)?

First, understand that your responsibility is for your relationships and that you need to be "self defined" and come to your own conclusions about people and situations. Healthy self defined people do not allow others to define reality for them.

Second, realize that anyone who triangulates is not operating out of healthy emotional intelligence and rather than solve the issue they have with others they instead seek to ally others with them against those with whom they have issues. Think about the difference between those two approaches! Which would be the biblical approach?

Third, do not give sympathy to the one seeking to triangulate which only feeds their unhealthy practice. Instead, ask clarifying questions that might help them understand that their perspective may not be the only way to look at the individual they are unhappy with and encourage them to deal with the relational disconnect rather than to draw others into their issue. When we give sympathy in the absence of personal information we become complicit in the problem.

Fourth, ask who could meet with the one with the offense and the one who is being marginalized by the one with the offense to bring understanding and reconciliation. Their willingness to deal with their issue when called on it will tell you a lot about their real motives.

Don't get caught in the deadly web of triangulation. It is unhealthy, it destroys relationships and it hurts ministry. Furthermore it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and the inability to be self defining.

What would happen in our churches if.....

What would happen if...

We challenged all of our college age kids to take one year to do some kind of holistic ministry either nationally or internationally?

We offered every high schooler an adult mentor who would meet with them, pray for them and encourage them?

We offered every newly married couple an older married mentor couple?

We told people that generosity with God was a joyful way to live?

We helped all of our people use their gifts in meaningful ministry rather than simply filling ministry slots we have created?

We encouraged ten percent of our congregation to give two weeks to ministry either locally, domestically or internationally every year?

We valued our seniors as much as we did our young folks?

We showed everyone how they could form their own prayer team to pray for them regularly and for them to be transparent with?

We encouraged every family to develop a relationship with a family from another racial group?

We asked every small group to do four compassion projects locally each year?

We focused on life transformation more than programming?

We did less programming so people could develop relationships with each other and unbelievers?

We read through the Bible as a congregation every other year - the whole thing?

We challenged people to see people as God sees them and love them as He loves them - starting with one another?

We became known for the church that loves people and helps them in practical ways?

What would you add?

Simple concepts - Powerful outcomes