When I need to grow my EQ

Healthy emotional intelligence is one of the most critical factors in healthy relationships, leadership and marriages. There is a simple way that we can regularly increase our health in this area. It is watching for when we get into trouble with our emotions, reactions, actions or words (all EQ issues) and taking the time to analyze what got us into trouble and what we will do next time to avoid the reactions that troubled us.

Recently I suggested something to my spouse that did not go over very well (not the first time). Obviously my approach was not helpful even if I thought the subject was relevant. But, knowing that I did not successfully communicate, and having thought through the conversation, I will work on a different tact next time. There is no use paying the same dumb tax twice. 

All of us have people, situations or topics that trigger emotions in us and often reactions that we wish afterwards had been different. The good news is that those triggers are signals to us that we need to pay attention to whatever it was that triggered the reaction, ask why we responded the way we did and then come up with a game plan to handle the situation next time.

This is all about managing our shadow side. Managing our emotions and reactions so that they work for us and not against us.  

Emotional triggers are normal. Mature individuals, however, learn to pay attention to them and work to modify those reactions so they do not embarrass themselves, cause additional relational disconnect or respond with the same lack of EQ that the other individual probably used in triggering their emotions.

Each time we experience a reaction on our part that we don't like, it is an opportunity to grow in our ability to handle that situation next time. Usually the more nonreactive we become, learning to manage our outward emotions, the less likely we are to either escalate the situation or say or do something we will later regret.

For leaders, this is especially important because unregulated emotion and reactions can cause serious loss of trust to a leader. The more we pay attention to needed areas of EQ growth the better off we are.

Email and conflict are a bad combination

Email and conflict are a bad combination. Nine times out of ten, email fuels conflict when it is present rather than defuses it. We write things we would not say in person and there is no opportunity for the one we are writing to too see our face, hear our tone or read our body language. Email and conflict are incompatible. It is the shadow side of technology! Somehow it is easier to judge motives and make assumptions when we are not face to face than when we are. 


I confess to being reactive at times on email in a way that I didn't like and was not helpful to the situation. I have a personal saying that I remind myself of often, KMS (Keep Mouth Shut) which has served me well. I add to that DHS (Don't Hit Send) when it comes to email in conflictual situations. I know from experience it will not help and will probably hurt. Like you I have paid dumb tax on this one.


When tempted to send an email in a conflictual situation my advice is  to first wait 24 hours before writing and then to have a trusted friend or colleague read it before hitting send. My best advice is to not engage in conflict via email at all but to send a short reply that says, "Thanks for sharing your concerns, lets find a time to talk by phone or in person." 


For some reason, we are all more reasonable in person than in email. And emails don't go away. In fact they are often passed on to others who we would not want them shared with. Don't put in writing what you don't want others to see. Emails escalate while face to face conversations with reasonable people generally deescalate.   


In conflict, DHS. Instead pick up the phone and talk. Things will go much better. 

Giving up the need to be right

I like to be right. I'll bet you do to! And that need is the cause of many relational breakdowns, especially when two people both need to be right and neither will back down. If you are or have been married, you know exactly what I'm talking about.


Sometimes being right is important, when the issue at stake is high and will impact organizations and lives. Most of the time (95%?) the only issue at stake is our own ego and personal "needs."

Why do we need to be right? What would change if we didn't care if others acknowledged whether we were right or not? If we gave up that right what would happen? 


Many conflicts would be shorter or even non-existent. We would let go of issues quicker. We would probably be healthier and happier without the baggage of needing to be right. It may have something to do with not letting the sun go down on our wrath and forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave us. If we wait till others acknowledge we are right and in consequence they are wrong it can be a long ugly wait.


I'm just thinking of giving up the need to be right. It would solve a lot of problems. If you don't agree, don't tell me because then I need to decide if I'm serious or not.

Spiritual growth from a positive perspective

In our organization, we use visual management to seek to continuously improve everything we do. For instance, we use three colors, to rate how we are doing in many areas of work. Green means we are doing well and no changes are needed, yellow means that we can do better and red means that we have significant opportunity for improvement. Notice that yellow and red are actually positive colors, not negative, because they give us opportunity to improve. We like and look for yellow and reds.

Think about this in your spiritual life. Our goal in our relationship with Jesus is to become like Him in every way possible: hearts that understand and live out grace, minds that think like He thinks, priorities that are aligned with His and relationships that reflect his love for other. Now we know we are a long ways from where we want to be and it is easy to become discouraged when we discover another area of life that needs reformation.

But consider this: Every time we realize we have areas of our lives that need to be brought under His purview, every time we surrender another room or closet to him, we have the opportunity to become more like Him. In other words, as He chooses to reveal areas of life that need our attention along with the Holy Spirit's power, He is giving us the opportunity to become more like him. It is not a failure, but an opportunity. And every opportunity to become more like Jesus ought to be celebrated and pursued because He is our ultimate goal!

In His grace, He does not reveal all of our "reds" and "yellows" at once but bit by bit, He makes them known to us. Each one is an opportunity to align my heart in a new way toward His. 

I don't always like what the Holy Spirit reveals to me but I do relish the opportunity to bring my life and heart into greater alignment with His. Jesus is our source and our goal so the yellows and reds that He reveals to me are a wonderful opportunity for repentance and realignment toward my ultimate objective: A heart like His.

Growing better self awareness

How well do you know yourself? Self awareness is a critical factor in the success of our relationships, friendships and work staff. Unaware people often hurt others and their relationships because they are not cognizant of how their words, attitudes or behaviors impact others. This is especially true with unaware leaders whose lack of awareness causes staff to think that they are uncaring, harsh, lack empathy or simply narcissistic. 

Self awareness means that I understand how I am wired, how I am likely to react to others and situations, what my blind spots and shadow side are, what pushes my emotional buttons and how I am perceived by those around me. While those perceptions may not be the "real us" from our point of view, they are the "real us" to those around us. 

For instance, I can be viewed as distant and private by those who know me from a distance. To mitigate against that I work on spending quality time with those I work with and being as self-disclosing as possible so that they understand the real me. However, if I was not aware of that perception, I would not be able to take steps to counter it. 

What is important to understand is that we have a view of who we are but others around us also have a view of who we are and the two views may be very different. In fact, the more self aware we are the less discrepancy there will be between our view of us and others view of us and the less self aware we are the greater the discrepancy will be. That is because a large part of self awareness is understanding how others perceive us.

Self aware people are able to take steps to mitigate against the parts of their wiring that can be troublesome in interactions and relationships. We cannot fundamentally change our wiring (although the Holy Spirit can) but we can manage our shadow side in ways that facilitate healthier interactions and relationships. 

How do we grow our self awareness? I would suggest doing some reading on EQ or Emotional Intelligence as a start. That will at least give one a framework to understand oneself better. To drill down deeper, we need to have some conversations with those around us as to how they perceive us and what they think our blind spots are. Because we are blind to our blind spots, only feedback from others will help us understand what they are.

Find a trusted friend or colleague and ask some questions: What do you see as my greatest strengths? What do you see as my greatest weaknesses? Describe your perception of who I am to me. What things do you think I am blind to in my interactions, attitudes or actions? Are there things I do that unintentionally hurt others or damage relationships? If you could be completely candid with me about something you see that I should be aware of, what would it be?

I am blessed to have a wife who is honest with me and trusted colleagues who I can have those kinds of conversations with. I am more self aware because of it and better able to manage those parts of me that can hurt others or be perceived as insensitive. I have come a long way but am certain I have a long way to go given the complexities of how I am wired. However, my self discovery has been a major part of my growth as an individual, husband, father and leader. 

It should be obvious that this kind of self discovery takes a great deal of humility and a lack of defensiveness. It is defensive people, and those who need to project a certain image who are the least self aware because they lack the ability to hear feedback from others. In fact, if you are unable to ask these kinds of questions and hear candid feedback it should be a warning to you that you are not only self unaware but likely to stay that way because of the fear of understanding the real you. Growing our self awareness is part of the journey to becoming healthier individuals. 

Don't gunnysack stuff

Have you ever had a situation where your emotions toward someone erupted with an explosion, seemingly out of nowhere and you wondered, where did that come from? Why did I do that? Often, the reason is that you had gunnysacked issues rather than dealing with them and the gunnysack got full and you exploded. It happens to the best of us. We can do it with a spouse, with other family members or colleagues - anyone with whom we have regular interactions.


Gunnysacking happens when we take irritations, slights or offenses from others and toss them in our gunnysack rather than either dealing with them by a candid conversation or forgiving them. One cannot carry around a heavy gunnysack forever without the weight of it affecting us. When the gunnysack gets full enough of unresolved issues it is likely to explode with an eruption of emotion that we regret afterwards.


It is not always offenses that cause us to erupt. It can also be irritations to us from the quirks of others. All of us have quirks of personality which can irritate others. When we allow those quirks to fester as irritations to us they also can cause us to erupt in unhealthy ways of we have gunnysacked them. Often this happens with extended family when someones attitudes, biases, actions or words irritate us to the core but there is nothing we can do about it.


How do we prevent gunnysack eruptions? First, always be aware of the danger of gunnysacking when we are with people that irritate or who have slighted us. Remember that tossing those irritations, slights and offenses into our gunnysack is going to hurt us in the long run.


Second, keep short accounts. Most issues that we take as slights or offenses do not come from ill motives and judging motives is the worst thing we can do as we are usually wrong in our judgement. If needed, have a conversation where you can clarify the issue: "This is how it felt to me when you said or did such and such and I am sure you did not intend for me to feel that way, so can you help me understand?" Much better to get the issue on the table than to toss it in your gunnysack.


The harder thing to deal with are irritations. Sometimes it is good to tell people that when they do such and such it is irritating to you. Other times it is best to simply give them space and even to limit your exposure to them if having a conversation about the behaviors will be counter productive. There are people in my life that push buttons in me and the best way to deal with it is self awareness and limiting my exposure to them. 


However we deal with issues that irritate or cause offenses, the one thing we don't want to do is throw them in our gunnysack and carry them around. The weight is unhealthy for us and eventually may cause an unhealthy response on our part. 

Our primary mission in life - and its not about us!

I confess that I do a lot of thinking about me, my situation, my needs, my wants and my desires. Can you relate? I don't like to admit it but I am selfish to the core. It is the human condition and only Jesus can tear open our hearts for unselfish living - bit by bit as we come to grips with the fact that as Christ followers life is not ultimately about us!


Jesus made a profound statement as he contemplated his own death. He confessed, "Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour?' No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" (John 12:27-28).


How often do we ask God to save us from some dilemma, to remove some suffering, to heal some illness - all legitimate requests. But how often do we say, "Father, glorify your name through my situation?" Ultimately, it is His glory that is paramount, not our desires. Sometimes His glory is in answering our prayers. Sometimes His glory is found in our faith in the middle of crushing difficulty. 


Just before Jesus asked the Father to glorify His name, He reminded His disciples that "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me (John 12:24-26)."


It is in our dying to self in order to live for God that we see our lives honor and glorify Him. It is in putting His interests first - choosing to live our lives with His priorities in mind that we glorify the Father. It is in following Him wherever He is and wherever He desires to take us that we glorify Him. It is in remaining faithful in the hard times, choosing faith and hope over despair and hopelessness that I lift His name up!


We have many requests for God. We depend on Him for our daily bread in so many ways. But ultimately He desires that we care about His glory. His glory in our lives is the greatest gift that we can give Him.  


"Father, what needs to die in me today so that my life produces many seeds? Would you glorify your name through me today no matter what my circumstances?"

Those who lead set the pace!

Leaders set the standards in their ministries, team leaders for their teams, parents for their children, volunteers for those they oversee, church leaders for their congregations. All of us who lead anything set the culture, ethos, attitudes and standards for others on our team. And most all of us do lead something or someone!


Don't underestimate the importance of this responsibility! Both the health and dishealth of families, teams and organizations can often (not always) be traced back to the example set by its leaders. Think about these areas that directly impact the health of a team.


Attitude toward leadership and authority. When leaders display cynicism toward those they are accountable to, their attitudes are picked up by those they lead who often develop similar attitudes. When leaders are respectful of those who lead them, others will be as well. Pastors, for instance who are critical of their boards breed the same attitude in their staff while those who are supportive and respectful communicate a healthy attitude. Our attitude toward authority is easily read by those we lead.


Words matter. Our choice of words, our use of them, whether they are critical or constructive, kind or harsh, respectful or disrespectful communicate a great deal to those we lead. Careless words reflect careless thinking and often careless relationships. Our words, according to Jesus, also reflect the state of our hearts. There is much in Scripture about gossip, slander, harsh and unkind words, anger and nonconstructive talk. The vocabulary, content and attitudes of our conversation and communication convey a standard for those we influence and lead.


Behavior communicates. I am often amazed at the behaviors of leaders in the ministry arena: uncontrolled anger, defensiveness, inability to disagree in an agreeable way, yelling, threats, lack of approachability. Often I see behaviors in ministry that would be grounds for discipline or termination in the business world. Certainly such behaviors are contrary to the attitude, teaching and modeling of Christ. One of the marks of leaders in the church is that they are "self controlled" - the ability to monitor and control our emotions and behaviors - especially those that are unhealthy and get us into trouble. Our behaviors set the tone for a healthy or unhealthy environment. Jesus is our model and example.


Relational health. All ministry is based on relationships and the health of the relationships of leaders again sets the tone for the kinds of relationships others will develop. Relational health includes the ability to be self defined and accept differing views, to stay connected with people we may disagree with, to seek the best for others and to genuinely care for them. Relational dishealth includes marginalizing those who disagree with us, being threatened by strong leaders, lack of openness to the feedback of others (defensiveness), or the inability to work collaboratively. Relational health on teams is almost always a reflection of the relational health of leaders. Jesus never used or abused people. He saw each one as people made in the image of God and treated them in that light. 


Standards for behaviors, attitudes, words, and relationships are not set by policies. They are ultimately set by the example of leaders. No policy is more powerful than the example of leaders. No leaders can hold staff responsible for behaviors that they themselves do not adhere to. On those rare occasions when I have had to talk to a staff member about one of these issues, I will ask the question: "Have I ever treated you this way?" My point is twofold: first that you have not seen me behave this way toward you and I am your leader and second, I have the moral authority to keep the bar high if I do so for myself. It is my responsibility as a leader. And yours.

Our habits and a long view of life

Living in the "instant" world of the west where we love immediate results, quick fixes and instant gratification, we often forget that the Christian life is a marathon rather than a sprint and that long term results are the product of long term rather than short term thinking. The Apostle Paul talks about "running the race with our eyes fixed on the prize." He also often speaks of endurance and perseverance. Eugene Peterson rightly called it a "long obedience in the same direction."


The key to a long view of life is the development of habits that will sustain us over the long haul. Habits are long term disciplines or practices rather than short term "resolutions." They form a personal frame or infrastructure that the rest of life connects to. Just as the hidden steel frame of a large building holds all the component parts together, so the habits we develop are the invisible underpinnings of our lives which everything else is connected to and influenced by.


There is good news and bad news in this. The bad news is that unhealthy habits have long term ramifications for our lives if not corrected since our life infrastructure touches everything else. That is why it is so important to deal with sinful habits rather than to ignore or nurture them. But the good news is that the development of healthy habits has long term healthy ramifications and gives us the means of going the distance well and living out that "long obedience in the same direction:" in the power of the Holy Spirit. And, it is never too late to develop new and healthy habits.


Practices become habits when they are practiced long enough that they become second nature. For instance, many people have a habit of spending money they don't really have thanks to the ease of using a credit card. That habit over the long term leads to a life of debt and dependence on others. Others never spend what they don't have. They have practiced a healthy discipline long enough that it is second nature to them. Over the long term it leads to financial health.


Habits we form in our marriages determine the quality of our relationship with our spouse. Habits in our devotional lives form the quality of our relationship with God. Habits in our professional life form the quality of our work. Habits in our hidden life form the quality of our moral architecture. Habits in our relation to our health form the foundation for good or poor health. In every instance, habits contribute either to long term health or to long term dysfunction. 


Studies have shown that our long term practices or habits actually cause changes to our brain. The reason new habits are hard to develop is that our brain is trained to respond in an alternative way (like the urge to purchase on credit). Every time we engage in a certain practice, our brain chemistry strengthens the chemical connections that encourage that particular behavior. The good news is that we can retrain our brain with the practice of new habits which in the long term sustains us in that practice. 


As we think about our lives we ought to be aware of the habits that underlie our actions. Which are healthy and helpful? Which are problematic and hurtful? Which are pleasing to God and which are not? In relation to the former, working hard on making these central to our lives becomes our goal and as to the latter, they become those things that the New Testament says we need to "take off" and discard. 


When Paul talks about old things to take off and new things to put on (see Ephesians 4-5 for instance) he is talking about practices which are habits. The old are destructive and the new reflect the character of Christ. When we cooperate with the Holy Spirit, He gives us the ability to discard the old and put on the new.  Remember these habits are the invisible framework that make up our lives and contribute either to a long and healthy view of life or a dysfunctional view of life.

Who threatens us and who are we envious of?

Two interesting questions to ponder. Who are we threatened by and who are we envious of? The answers to both reveal a great deal about us, our hearts and our insecurities.


Usually we are threatened by someone who we perceive to have more influence and power than we do. Thus the pastor who resents a strong layman in the congregation who others look up to. Or a former leader in a church whose influence has waned and is threatened by other strong leaders who have emerged. Those in the secular workplace know all too well the subtle power struggles that take place as people jockey for influence and power - against others who are a threat to their influence and power. Even the closest disciples of Jesus were not immune to these petty jealousies.


Another way of framing the question is "Who am I envious of?" Usually we are envious of those who see more "success" than we do, by whatever measure we are using, and those who have more perceived favor and status in the eyes of others.


Those who we are threatened by or envious of are important to us. Not because of who they are but because of what they reveal about the state of our hearts, motivations and drive. In short, they reveal deficiencies in our hearts and psyche! They reveal an incompleteness in us that must be made up for by competing with others and often hurting others in order to build ourselves up. For the only way to trump those who threaten us or we are envious of is to outdo them - to demean them in order to elevate us!


And here is the heart of the matter. This is all about us! It is not about our calling or humbly serving where God has us. It is about pride and personal elevation which inevitably means someone else suffers at our expense. The Apostle Paul never played this game and he never competed with those who competed with him. In fact, he ignored those who he called "super apostles" who were jockeying for power and influence and he simply stayed the course of the ministry God had called him to which was harder, more costly with fewer accolades of others but played to an audience of One. He knew that at the end of the day, it was God's evaluation of his life that counted, not the evaluation of others.


Pay attention to those you are threatened by or envious of. The message is not about them but about us!

Reality Distortion Fields

The phrase was coined by members of Steve Jobs teams when he wanted to convince them that something they all knew to be false was indeed true. They would quietly whisper, "beware of the reality distortion field, don't get caught in it." Steve, with his powerful, over the top persuasive abilities was able to convince a lot of people a lot of things a lot of the time and it all fit his version of reality, his reality distortion field.


The truth is that we all have reality distortion fields which allow us to see reality on our terms. Healthy individuals keep those distortion fields to a minimum while unhealthy individuals allow them to grow and expand until they are literally living in an alternative reality - often quiet separated from reality. 


Some years ago, I was asked by a pastor and board to determine why he and the board were experiencing so much conflict. I interviewed board members, staff members and finally the pastor himself. He was amazed that people felt the way they did about him as he had been living with a picture of himself that was quite different than the picture others had. His distortion field (the level of distortion between his view and reality) would have caused him to likely lose his job if he had not rectified the problem quickly because it was at the root of the conflict between he and the board and staff. 


I have seen reality distortion fields become pathological when an individual becomes so disconnected from reality (yes in ministry) that they actually believe their unhealthy treatment of others is OK and that those they mistreat are actually OK with it as well. Of course, when you do your own inquiry one finds out that this is not the case at all but the defensive mechanisms of the one with a significant reality distortion field protects him or her from the guilt they ought to have for their behavior. Reality distortion fields always provide the perpetrator of poor behavior an alternative explanation which absolves them and places the blame on others. 


Usually, reality distortion fields are allowed to grow (often in leaders) because those around them do not have the courage to confront and tell the individual the truth. There is a reason for the lack of courage. These individuals are very hard to get through to. Their defensiveness is massive and they don't want to hear a version of truth that messes with their reality distortion field. However, the logical outcome of their progression into non reality is narcissism where they can justify anything and eventually implode but only after hurting a great many people. 


I asked one board whose pastor exhibited these tendencies why they had not done a job review in decades. The answer was that the senior pastor was too defensive and threatened by it so they held off, allowing the senior pastor's behavior to escalate and continue to hurt others. This particular pastor would use threats against those who tried to penetrate his defenses. The board actually thought that if they pushed their pastor he would quit since he had threatened on a number of occasions to do so. Ironically it would have been the best thing that could have happened to the church.


Those who live with reality distortion fields are crazy makers to those around them. They so distort reality that those who live in reality start to wonder if they are somehow going nuts and may even be to blame for the chaos that they see around them! It is like the inmates of an insane asylum convincing the staff that they ought to trade places because it is really the staff who are living with reality distortion fields and not the inmates. If you have ever lived or worked close to one with a reality distortion field you know exactly what I am talking about!


If you have a situation like this in your ministry please deal with it. The longer you wait the more distortion takes place and the more distortion takes place the more people get hurt. 

Sensitive and insensitive leadership

Steve Jobs was a genius but I suspect that most of those who have made their way through his long biography left the book fascinated but saying, "I would never work for that guy." His empathy and sensitivity level were in the basement as leaders go and many who worked for him felt used and abused. I love his products but abhor his leadership style.


I think the same could be said for many leaders in the Christian ministry world who accomplish amazing things but leave in their wake disillusioned and wounded people. Like Jobs, they were successful in how we often define success but at a huge cost of individuals who were wounded by them in the process. And in both cases I have to ask myself, is success at the cost of people real success? In fact, it seems to me that success at the expense of people is an oxymoron. It cannot be true success because in the end, ministry is about people.


No leader will be universally popular - that I know personally and understand. It is not the job of a leader to be popular but to lead people toward a common mission. There are times that a leader must make an unpopular decision about a staff member. But, a leader is a steward of those they lead and the using, abusing, and disposing of people, or harsh treatment of staff hardly fits the leadership style of Jesus in the Gospels or reflects Biblical teaching on how we interact and treat others. It truly bothers me deeply when I meet leaders who are users and abusers of those they lead. 


The acid test for a leader and for those who watch a leader are these: Is their leadership more about them or those they lead? Is it more about them or the mission they are perusing? In the pursuit of that mission, do they bring people with them or do they leave a trail of victims in their wake? Do they use people or serve people? Do they have empathy for those they lead or are they hard and insensitive when people get in the way of where they want to go? And here is a great question: Would those who have worked for them want to work for them again?


One of the reasons so many individuals leave ministry is that they become disillusioned by working for "Godly leaders" that outsiders look up to but who they have been wounded and abused by. Being violated by those who should have higher standards because they lead in the name of Jesus is deeply wounding. It is truly the dark side of ministry - and the church. 


If you are a leader, ponder these questions. If you are courageous, ask those around you how they rate you in those areas. If you don't care, well, leave ministry!

What do I really want to know?

Ask yourself this simple question: What do I really want to know about my personal or leadership strengths and weaknesses? Many of us love to hear about our strengths but not our weaknesses. Yet our weaknesses impact our leadership as much as our strengths and sometimes they actually neutralize our strengths when they negatively impact relationships. On top of this, it is estimated that we overestimate our leadership abilities by about 30% and underestimate our weaknesses by 30% and that is for a healthy leader.


I wrote recently that we have an endless ability to deceive ourselves when that deception allows us to feel better about ourselves. The irony is that those we lead also help us in that deception in that they will rarely tell us what we don't want to know. In other words, they know how candid we want them to be (or not), how open we are to feedback (or not) and what issues they can press into and what issues they must leave unspoken. So the very people who know us the best conspire with us to allow us to blissfully go about our business thinking we are doing well when in fact, everyone but us knows there are issues that if addressed would make us better people and better leaders. Like the emperor with no clothes we are the only ones who don't know the truth!


Truth is an interesting concept, especially when it is about us! We are experts in manipulating truth to fit our version of what we want to think and hear and to minimize what we don't want to think or hear. This is perhaps why introspection is avoided and why we find it so hard to acknowledge our shadow side. Yet, truth is the foundation of personal freedom because the better we know ourselves, good and bad, the healthier we are personally and the healthier our leadership. Truth avoidance eventually catches up with us and can damage both ourselves and those around us.


The greatest barrier to knowing and hearing truth about ourselves is our defensiveness. The greater our defensive mechanisms the less we will understand ourselves as those mechanisms not only keep us from hearing others but from acknowledging our own stuff to ourselves. I have known unapproachable leaders who have no idea how damaging their defensive mechanisms are to their leadership. Defensiveness by definition prevents us from hearing, from receiving feedback or even from acknowledging our own inner knowledge about ourselves. It allows us to deceive ourselves. We essentially lie to ourselves!


There are things about me that I don't like. My lower nature can be very low. I don't like my shadow side. I wish I had only strengths and not weaknesses. With every passing year I am more aware of what I am not in many areas of life. That very awareness, however, is the key to growth which only comes with truth. Truth is the pain or discomfort we experience on the way to a healthier us and to healthier leadership. 


So here is the question. Do we want to conspire with others to deceive ourselves or conspire with others to become a better me and a better leader? Our invitation to others to be candid with us and our commitment to tell truth to ourselves is the key. Learning to lower our defenses and value the discomfort of truth allows others to speak into our lives and us to value introspection. 

Ten marks of ego driven leaders

In an ironic twist from the humble and servant leadership of Christ there are many in Christian leadership in the church and elsewhere (lay and professional) who are driven more by ego and personal success than by a desire to see the Gospel advanced. The Gospel becomes the means by which personal success is achieved rather than the Gospel being the primary objective of their leadership. As a psychologist lamented to me recently, "Why are there so many ego driven and narcissistic leaders in Christian ministry?"

What are the signs of ego driven ministry?

First, it is obvious to those around ego driven leaders that it is about "them" and that the relentless drive for better and bigger is about their leader's success rather than the accomplishment of the mission or serving their team.

Second, ego driven leaders often drive their staff rather than serving and growing their staff as they are the means to their success. When staff feel used, it is a sign that this is about the leader rather than about the mission.

Third, ego driven leaders take credit for success and blame others for failure. They may not do this overtly (that would not look good) but they find ways to inflate their own effectiveness and deflect responsibility for failures.

Fourth, ego driven leaders often exaggerate the actual results of their ministries. Any time the stated results don't match the actual results there is eqo inflation going on. This is ubiquitous in missions!

Fifth, ego driven leaders don't empower their staff but rather control them. After all, it is about them and they want to ensure that it stays about them. Empowerment means giving responsibility, authority and therefore credit for results away.

Sixth, ego driven leaders don't often cooperate with other ministries. If it is not their idea it is not worthy of pursuing. They guard the ability to say "we did this," or "this was our idea."

Seventh, ego driven leaders are highly territorial. There is competition with other ministries as if there were a limited amount of gospel results to be had. Further, they actually believe that they have a corner on the market of how they do what they do.

Eighth, the actions and attitudes of ego driven leaders often do not match their spiritual language. Outsiders may not know the gap but insiders are well aware and the gap breeds cynicism.

Ninth, ego driven leaders give little attention to the contributions of other people to the cause of the kingdom. Their attention, focus and energy is all focused on themselves and their ministry. When talking about other ministries they often find subtle ways to denigrate the strategy and results of others. The putting down of others allows them to inflate themselves.

Tenth, ego driven leaders are not open to criticism, dialogue or feedback regarding their own behavior or leadership. Because it is about them they are not open to the feedback of others if is deemed critical. There is a high defensive mechanism. This means that strong leaders around them do not last long because their input is not welcome. Those who will cater to their egos, however, are always welcome.

My advice for those who work for ego driven leaders? Consider finding another leader to work for whose true focus is the advancement of the kingdom rather than the advancement of themselves and their ego's. Why? because using the gospel as the advancement mechanism for ourselves is anathema to everything Jesus taught about leadership in His kingdom. It is never about us. It is always about Him. Something for every leader to think about.

Truth and Lies

"When does a lie begin?
     A lie, Rabbi Fajner would say, has no beginning. A lie runs downwards like a rootlet, branching an infinite number of times. But if you trace the rootlets down, you never find a moment of inspiration and vision, only overwhelming desperation and despair.
     A lie always begins with denial.
     Something has happened - yet you do not want to admit that it has.
     That is how a lie begins."
          From The Emperor of lies: A Novel

How true! and as we all know, how destructive. There is something pure and liberating and freeing in the truth while lies begin in desperation and despair and lead to great pain. No wonder truthfulness is part of God's character (and fullness of life) while lies are part of Satan's character and the diminishing of life (John 10:10). As Rabbi Fajner said, "If you trace the rootlets down, you never find a moment of inspiration and vision, only overwhelming desperation and despair.

Lies are sinful remnants of our lower nature that can be traced back to the "father of lies." They are destructive because they not only start us on a trial of lies (one lie births another and another and another by necessity) but in their telling we lose something precious in us (integrity which is based in truth) and when exposed something precious with others (trust which is based in truth). Our own inner cohesiveness, health and personal integrity are based on truth which is why those who live with lies live with inner turmoil and fractured hearts. Why do lies make us feel soiled? Because they are so antithetical to the character of God and they violate the dim reflection we still have of being made in his image.

A reading of Proverbs highlights how central truth is to the character of God. The more truth we speak to ourselves about who we are, what motives drive us, where our sinful tendencies lie and where our lives need reformation, the more like God we become. Speaking truth to ourselves is the precursor to speaking truth to others and those who lie to others have first lied to themselves. Where do lies start? They start in the heart by lying to ourselves.

Lies never start well because they start in the heart and they never end well because when our heart is revealed our integrity is gone. Even hidden they cause inner destruction because lying to ourselves and others erodes our inner lives. We know we have violated truth and nurturing that violation eats away at our soul. Truth wins in every way. Truth telling to ourselves and others brings us closer to God the father of truth. Telling lies to ourselves or others separates us from the father of truth and mirrors the father of lies.

Subversive Spirituality

There is a dark side to spirituality especially among Christian leaders. It is a form of spirituality that is actually subversive to our walk with God and is often the cause of the undoing of leaders. To those around us it can look impressive, sacrificial and spiritual but all the while it is robbing us of the very spiritual nurture that we need to feed our souls.

Recently I had lunch with a former leader whose life had come undone in a major way. He literally crashed and burned and in the process lost his job, his marriage and for a long time his way in life. Today he is deeply reflective about how he got to where he was and it revolves around a subversive spirituality that fooled him, others and was the cause of his undoing.

Like many evangelicals he had a performance based relationship with Christ which caused him to throw himself into his ministry leadership role in a subconscious effort to win God's approval - and probably the approval of others. Like many, he had a lot to prove by being successful. In the process he started to neglect his inner life, margin and he discovered too late, his marriage. In the name of ministry and serving Christ he kept running faster and faster, until life simply unravelled. He went from running a world wide ministry to bagging groceries at a local supermarket.

I asked him what he had learned through the process. He told me that he understands now that his identity cannot be found in his ministry but in Christ alone. He now has a rhythm of life where once a month he spends a day alone with God in a spiritual retreat. He has become deeply introspective regarding his life and walk with God and has surrounded himself with other men who challenge him and provide mutual accountability. Over the past several years he has focused on making his relationship with God central and ensuring that he has the margin to do so.

My observation is that subversive spirituality - a form of spirituality that looks good but is in fact detrimental and even toxic infects many Christian leaders and is a threat to us all. At its core is the pattern of working hard in ministry to the detriment of our inner life. Doing things for God at the cost of being with God. Overloading our schedules at the cost of time for thinking, introspection, and time with the Father. Believing subconsciously that God's favor is dependent on how well we serve Him when what He first and really wants is us. Allowing our identity to be in our ministry or position rather than in our sonship as a family member of His family. All of these are dangerous, toxic and subversive substitutes for the most important: a healthy relationship with God, with family and with others. Our "importance" and public ministry fool us into thinking that all is well and our schedules mask the emptiness of our personal walk with God.

How do we prevent a subversive spirituality from fooling us? I have several suggestions.

• Regardless of our job we should not be fooled into thinking that we are indispensable. We are not! We are far less important than we think we are.
• Constantly remind ourselves that our identity is not in our ministry position but in our relationship with Christ.
• Ensure that there is margin in our lives for family, friends and God.
• Surround ourselves with some healthy people who will tell us the truth and provide accountability through relationship.
• Don't fool ourselves that our insane schedules are somehow proof of our importance or spirituality. Sometimes they are just proof of our foolishness and inner need to prove something to ourselves or others. Running fast can be a way of coping with what we know is an inner deficit.
• Develop a deeply introspective nature that probes our own motivations, sin, shadow side and schedules to ensure that we don't believe the lies of a subversive spirituality.
• Slow down. It is in the silence that we face our true selves, hear the voice of God and realign our thinking.

Power, Humility and Leaders

Leadership advancement must be accompanied by a parallel advancement in personal humility. This is a paradox as leadership advancement brings with it additional power, opportunities, freedom, perks and responsibilities - all of which are more likely to lead to pride than to humility which is the only antidote to the dark side effects of additional power.

Humility is not a denigration of the leadership gifts we may possess. Healthy leaders are by nature self confident, self assured and have a bank of experience and wisdom from which to draw on. Some will actually see that confidence as arrogance when in fact it is simply self assurance. Paul tells us to have an accurate read of our strengths and we need not apologize for leadership acumen. Most if not all leaders have run into people who don't like their ability to make clear directional decisions and accuse them of arrogance. Usually that reflects more on the accuser than the accused.

At the same time, leadership gifts bring with them unique personal challenges because of the power it brings. Decision making power which can be used more for our benefit than for others, influence over the careers of others, additional personal freedom with a larger "sandbox" in which to play along with less candid feedback from those around us who may choose to play to our leadership role rather than engage in robust, honest, candid discussion.

It is not unusual for leaders to lose some of their sensitivity to others as their role increases. There can be an expectation for others to serve them, agree with them, and live up to their expectations whether they are appropriate expectations or not. They can also lose the ability to listen closely and carefully - after all they are busy and distracted by many issues. In the ministry world, there is the added dimension of "spirituality" in the leadership equation where "God speaks" and leaders can use the "God's direction" to go where they desire to go. How does one argue with God?

How do leaders grow their personal humility as they are handed greater authority, power and freedom? First, while leaders are often lifted up by others with perks, titles and respect, they go deep into their own hearts, souls and lives to understand and respect the depths of their own depravity. None of us look as good on the inside as we do on the outside and leaders cultivate a high view of their own fallenness in order to not be deceived by the adulation of others. In doing so, they develop a greater understanding of their true self, vulnerabilities, need of God's grace and forgiveness and their personal understanding balances out the adulation of others.

Second, healthy leaders surround themselves with people who will be honest with them. Unhealthy leaders surround themselves with people who will play to their ego. There is a huge distinction! One of the reasons for building healthy leadership teams is that there are multiple voices that weigh in on critical decisions and robust dialogue of a group rather than the single voice of one. You can tell the nature of a leader by those he or she surrounds themselves and by how candid those individuals can be with their leader. Personally, I will never again work for a leader with whom I cannot be completely honest behind closed doors.

In fact, healthy leaders go out of their way to solicit information, opinions, feedback and advice on critical decisions. True self assurance is not intimidated by the differing opinions of others and actually desire the opposing view so that they can understand all angles and potential unintended consequences. Any leader who is intimidated by strong opinions that differ from theirs is actually an unhealthy leader. Those leaders who don't want to listen and dialogue with other strong voices are more concerned with their own ego and power then with leading well. It is about them, not about those they lead.  

Third, leadership brings with it power, options, and greater freedom. Many leaders use those perks of leadership for their own purposes. Healthy leaders use those perks to help those they lead. The power of leadership, for instance, can be used to further our own goals or it can be used to remove barriers and pave the way for our staff to be more successful. Our freedom as leaders gives us the opportunity to extend greater freedom to others, to be their advocates and to tackle the politics of the organization that they are not in a position to deal with.

Leaders do not need to apologize for the greater freedom they have because of their leadership role. They have earned it. But, the best leaders use that freedom on behalf of their teams not on behalf of themselves. They use the power of their position to serve those they lead! Power in itself is not bad. It depends on how that power and influence is used. I have been helped over the years in significant ways by those above me who could intervene on my behalf and without whom I would not be in the leadership role I am today. They used their influence to help me in situations I could not negotiate by myself.

Power and humility are two sides of the same coin for healthy leaders. If you lead, how are you doing on the balance between the two?

Boundaries matter

All of us have boundaries in our personal lives, our work and our relationships. Those boundaries are designed to keep us in moral, ethical, legal and healthy places. When we start to violate those boundaries and play with the boundary lines we are in dangerous territory.

How well we keep our boundaries is a matter of our humility. Pride says, "those boundaries don't matter for me." Humility says, "Those boundaries apply to me just like they apply to others and they are there for my own good." The human heart has endless ability to move the boundary markers in our own lives and to rationalize the decision. It is the nature of sin to think that the rules don't apply to us. It is actually narcissism - the rules don't apply to me, I am above them.

In ancient times, boundaries were marked by stones and it was a major offence to move a boundary stone: they were sacred and immovable. So it should be in our lives. The ethical and moral lines laid down in Scripture are there for our protection and represent the immovable boundary stones of a righteous God. We have other boundary stones in our workplaces that are equally immovable. The moment we start to move the stones, our hearts are in jeopardy and the deceit of pride has reared its dangerous head. God says the markers matter. The evil one says they don't - at least for us.

We ought to ask ourselves periodically if we are playing with any boundary markers in our lives. Have we moved any? Are we skating across any? Are we thinking that any of them don't apply to us? None of us is exempt from moving the markers. All of us are tempted to do so. But it never turns out well and once we have moved one it is easier to move another and another and another. The boundaries in our lives matter and the wise humbly acknowledge that they apply to them not just to others.

If any markers have been moved the smartest thing we can do is repent and put them back where they originally belonged. Boundaries matter.

Inside out: Why our personal issues impact others

We often do not pay close enough attention to our inner lives - those things that wake us up in the night, anger we harbor over issues or people, anxieties that cause a slow grade burn in our stomach, worries or unresolved issues or besetting sin. We figure these are just our issues but the truth is that they become other peoples issues as well because Jesus said that what is in our hearts (and minds) is what spills over to others from our lives (Matthew 7:15-23).

I put it this way. We live inside out. What resides inside us inevitably spills over to others whether we are aware of it or not. On the negative side, it can exhibit itself in irritability, shortness, lack of compassion or understanding or even anger which has nothing to do with those who are on the receiving end but has everything to do with issues we are struggling with. I think of the difficulty I imposed on my wife and kids during a time of depression. They took the brunt of my issues. I was living inside out even though I didn't want to or intend to. Dishealth inside - as it spills out can create missunderstandings, the break up of friendships, treating others poorly and it's ripples can be large and unhealthy. This is why people with significant dysfunctions cause chaos and dysfunctions in relationships and friendships.

On the positive side, when we are healthy, at peace with ourselves, our situation and with others, that peace spills out in kindness, compassion, graciousness, patience and in all kinds of ways that reflect the fruit of the Spirit. What is inside will spill over because we live inside out. The healther we are personally the healthier our impact on those around us. That health encourages health in others as well. It's ripples are large and many. Think of how the righeousness and health of Jesus rippled on those around Him and how it not only attracted others to Him but to desire what He had. Inner health lived inside out is powerful, wonderful and magnetic.

Because we live inside out we need to first be aware of the unresolved issues in our own lives (we all have them) and then do all we can to resolve them in a healthy manner. Unresolved issues cause issues for others.

We also need to be aware of how our inner issues manifest themselves to others while we are working through them. They do: And the more aware we are of them the better we can work to ensure that they do not negatively impact others.

Third, when we are dealing with something particularly difficult it is often helpful to disclose those challenges to others so that they can support, and pray for us as well as understand when we are short, unkind or irritable. People around us will give us grace if they understand some of the pressures we are dealing with.

Remember, we live inside out, whether we know it or not. For those of use who live in the leadership arena the stakes regarding our inner health are even higher because our inner lives ripple on that many more people.

Emotional Voyeurism and Pseudo Discipling

There are people who under the guise of spiritual formation and "community" encourage others to bare their deepest secrets to them. I am not talking about trained counselors here but good intentioned individuals who believe that unless all is on the table and out in the open there cannot be growth. They set themselves up as the spiritual coach who can guide the process and encourage people to peel  back the layers of their psyche to them.

In large part, these individuals are seeking to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but what it often really amounts to is emotional voyeurism - looking into places in another person's life that they are not qualified to look into, opening wounds or issues that they are not qualified to deal with and creating an emotional bond (enmeshment) that is unhealthy and creates spiritual dependency on them.

These individuals naturally gravitate toward other emotionally wounded individuals who are already vulnerable and needy.  Because emotionally needy people need the affirmation of others they are easily drawn into spiritual enmeshed relationships with these "pseudo disciplers" that is unhealthy. And, it is not unusual for them to actually become even more unhealthy as unqualified "counselors" open issues in their lives that they cannot help fix.  Because these self taught spiritual coaches use hyper spiritual language, those drawn in believe that these individuals can help them grow closer to God when in reality they are often simply creating spiritual dependency on themselves.

Healthy followers of Christ never open wounds or get into issues that they are not qualified to deal with. In addition, they never play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. Frankly this is how cults come into being as it can be emotionally appealing to have others dependent on us an there are always vulnerable people who will go there if we allow them.

Healthy disciplers help others grow in their own self - knowledge through time in the word, in prayer and introspection. They do not need to know or even desire to know many of the details of another's inner life but point them continually to God. Appropriate sharing in appropriate settings is encouraged for mutual edification and accountability but never in a way that supplants the role of the Holy Spirit or creates a spiritual dependency on another individual. Our dependency is always on Christ rather than a person.

Churches and ministry organizations should be on guard against those who enjoy emotional voyeurism or spiritual dependencies. No matter what the spiritual language that is used, anyone who is creating spiritual or emotional dependencies on themselves are not themselves healthy. In fact, it is usually unresolved spiritual issues in their own lives that give them a need to create enmeshed emotional and spiritual ties with other vulnerable individuals. Whether called discipleship, community or spiritual coaching, be on guard. Healthy individuals create healthy relationships, personally and spiritually. Unhealthy individuals create unhealthy relationships, personally and spiritually.