The discipline of giving people the benefit of the doubt

Giving those around us the benefit of the doubt when their questions, words or actions irritate us is a discipline - because what we often want to do is to either judge their motives or respond in kind. As Paul says about the fruit of the Spirit: it is loving, peaceable, patient, kind, gentle and exhibits self control. Perhaps the last is the hardest. 

Why do we give the benefit of the doubt to others?

First, when we don't we run a real risk of being wrong about their motives. Why run that risk and complicate the relationship or make judgments about others that are in fact not true?

Second, the character of Jesus calls us to grace with others. I am so glad Jesus chooses to give me that grace on a daily basis?

Third, when others are irritating they are often acting out of frustration and the stresses of their own lives. A kind word and attitude in response can be a cup of cold water to a thirsty soul. Life is often not kind to people but we can be.

Fourth, we desire that others give us the benefit of the doubt so it is only right that we do the same. As a leader I am often privy to information that others don't have and cannot share. I am grateful when people realize this and are willing to trust me even when they don't have all the information. I have the same obligation to them.

Fifth, When we harbor anger, grudges and judgement in regards to others it is a burden on our own emotions. It robs us of our joy and colors our perspectives. Why live in that prison? 

Finally, as Jesus would remind us, the log in our own eye is more critical than the sliver in another's eye. 

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

When my church doesn't grow!

With all the hype about church growth and large churches it can be a discouraging road when the church we pastor does not grow substantially. Of course we often forget that the average size church in the United States is well under 200 people. Yet the churches and pastors that get the greatest attention are in the thousands and are seen as the measure of success. 

How do I respond when I pastor a smaller church and over the years there is not appreciable numerical growth? Let's talk some perspective here.

Remember, a large church is not by definition a better or healthier church. I know because I have consulted with many churches of all sizes. Church size is not a measure in itself of success. The number of missionaries sent by small churches, for instance, far outnumbers the missionaries sent by large churches, as a percentage. 

No church grows forever. That is a myth. There are limits to an organizations size. Some leaders are able to grow a larger church than others simply because of their organizational skills but that does not mean that those in a smaller church are any less of a leader. Usually they have much greater shepherding gifts than those who pastor large churches.

Many people prefer a smaller church that is more like a family than the anonymity of a large church. Some people like to get lost in the crowd or have many programs at their disposal. Other love the relationships and family feel of a smaller church. I know many people who have moved from large churches to a smaller one - and loved it.

Our focus should not be on numbers which in the United States is usually transfer growth. It should be on developing the healthiest church we can, one that is full of grace and truth, that is Gospel and Jesus centered where people are always taking the next step in their relationship with God. That will naturally result in people coming to Jesus and growing to look like Him. A healthy church, large or small creates healthy disciples and disciplemakers. Whether one's church becomes large or mid-size or small what matters most is its health. At the same time we should remove barriers to growth so that the church can grow in numbers if God so blesses. 

Our goal should not be to compete with other churches or compare ourselves with them. It should be to be the healthiest congregation possible so that we look like the church of Ephesus: a unified, empowering, releasing, God honoring church where we become more like Jesus and reach out to those who don't know Him. God's smile on our congregation and our shepherding is not dependent on our size but on our desire to reflect Him.

Finally a note to church leaders who often pressure their pastor on the attendee numbers. Be careful. Yes, there are pastors who contribute to a congregation's plateauing and decline and need to do something about it. However, if those same leaders are not helping the church become a healthy and spiritually vibrant church - but are only focused on the numbers they are contributing to the dishealth of the congregation rather than to its health.

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

Nine Church board mistakes I have been seeing lately - from Tony Morgan

See this short but insightful article on church boards. 

9 Church Board Mistakes I Have Been Seeing Lately

See my dialogue with Tony Morgan on church boards here

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

Overcoming fear and choosing faith

I am convinced that one of the greatest barriers to living the life of faith is fear. Think of the spies that were sent out to spy out the promised land and apart from one said it was impossible to enter the land. The people were too big and fierce. Think of Moses who argued with God that he was not able to lead the Exodus. Think of the eleven disciples watching Peter get out of the boat in the storm while they quite contentedly stayed in the back of the boat. 

The currency of the kingdom is faith while the currency of our world is one of fear. Politics are driven by fear. How much of the advertising we see is driven by fear? Fear of not having enough to retire. Fear of illness. Fear of a lack of security. We have to ask ourselves, which currency do we traffic in: Fear or Faith?

Faith according to Hebrews 11 is irrational from a human point of view. Faith caused a whole line of Biblical heroes to do the irrational - leave their homes like Abraham - choose the death of martyrs - build an ark when there was no rain - hid a child like Moses knowing God would rescue him - walk around Jericho and see the walls collapse - be saved because Rahab believed and the list could go on. Why? "Because faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)."

Following Jesus is a step of faith, one at a time. It chooses to traffic in faith rather than fear. It chooses to bet on the uncertainty of following Jesus rather than staying in the comfort zone. It is willing to step out of the boat like Peter rather than stay in the comfort zone like the other 11. It is not without accident that the most often repeated command in all of scripture is "Do not fear." God knows that we naturally choose fear over faith. He asks us to choose faith over fear.

Fear keeps us from giving generously as we will not have enough. It keeps us from taking steps of faith that God lays on our hearts because we are uncertain of the outcome. It keeps us from radical obedience because we love our security. It keeps us from saying yes to God because we are afraid of the outcome. Peter understood something that the other eleven did not when he got out of the boat and joined Jesus on the stormy water. He understood that being with Jesus and where He wanted him was the safest place he could ever be. 

What are you afraid of today and where do you need victory over fear? It is only solved by faith: one step at a time, one decision at a time, choosing to trust. And He is trustworthy. Remember, when Abraham left his home he had no GPS to follow or Google to find out where he was going. He simply chose by faith to follow God. And he became the paradigm for faith in the New Testament. By faith.... 

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

When do you know it will not work with a staff member?

The organization I lead loves to be a place of grace and to maximize a staff member's gifts and wiring. However, there comes a time in all organizations or ministries when it is obvious that things are not going to work in the long term. Most of us in ministry are eternally optimistic that things will work out. It is the nature of ministry. But there are times when we need to recognize that it is not going to work. What are the signs that this is the case?

First, when we keep running into attitudes or behaviors that are counterproductive to the mission of the ministry or the team a staff member is on. I spoke to a leader recently who has a staff member whose behaviors indicate unteachability and a significant amount of hubris. 

He has coached and told the staff member that his behaviors are counterproductive. But nothing changes. I suggested that he is dealing with someone who does not listen or believe that what he is saying is true. Unteachable people are unlikely to succeed as they tend to sabotage themselves.

Second, when the staff member does not seem to value the mission or non-negotiables of the organization and want to do their own thing it is a warning sign. Teams and organizations only work well when everyone is in alignment with the rest of the group. Lone rangers don't work well on a team or within an organization.

Third, when there are significant EQ issues that keep popping up you know you have an issue. The question here is whether the individual can be coached toward greater EQ health. However, when there is significant pride or there is a teachability issue this becomes difficult, if not impossible.

Fourth, when you have tried to get someone a productive lane but there continue to be relational and emotional issues that keep getting in the way you know that it is probably not going to work. 

The bottom line is that when an enormous amount of time and energy has been expended in trying to make it work and it continues to remain problematic it is most likely not a good fit. Optimism needs at some point to be tempered by reality. It is amazing how the exit of one staff member can be the key to freedom, joy and productivity of the rest of the team. It is not always a conclusion we desire to come to but in these circumstances it is usually the right conclusion.

We cannot solve all the issues of staff members. It is not that they cannot find a place of effectiveness somewhere but sometimes it is not with our team or organization. Learning to be realistic as well as redemptive is a skill all leaders need to learn. After all, when it is not working for the leader it is usually not working for the rest of the team either. When we have done our best and it still does not work we need to take action - for our well being as well as for the well being of the organization.  Ironically it is usually the best for the staff member who does not fit as well. Run good process but don't prolong the pain.

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

The relationally grounded pastor from Leadership Journal

The Relationally Grounded Pastor

An interview with Eugene Peterson

A Leadership Journal interview


TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

The use of church discipline to control people or shut down discussion in the church

This week another megachurch (pastored by Matt Chandler) had to apologize publicly for how they had exercised harsh and unfair discipline among its members. In this case it was over a wife's decision to divorce her husband who admitted to a long time addiction to child pornography which predated their marriage.

This comes on the heals of James MacDonald in Chicago (Harvest Bible Church) apologizing for discipline against three board members who had spoken out about practices in the church and of course the Mark Driscoll situation at Mar's Hill where the same issues were part of the demise of the church. See the original statement of the elders of Harvest Bible Church here.

These are examples of church discipline where boards and pastors, often out of a position of power or a desire to shut down legitimate discussion use church discipline as a lever to do so. When used this way it brings huge devastation to those who are the target and in the case of McDonald and Driscoll it had a significant impact on the church - which it should have had.

Harsh discipline for the wrong reasons and done in a spirit of control and authority is contrary to the teaching of Scripture and is on the extreme end of discipline - although it happens too often, and usually for the wrong reasons.

People speaking out about issues that are legitimate issues do not hurt the church. In fact if listened to they are a great help to the church. In these cases it is usually threatened leaders who turn to disciplinary action for their own purposes of control. Ironically when this happens it is the leaders themselves who ought to be disciplined! In addition, where leaders seek to control people (the Matt Chandler situation referenced above) in ways that are inappropriate is has a cultist feel rather than the feel of a culture of grace.  

Church discipline was never designed to control people or to shut down discussion. It was designed to be a process of grace and restoration in the lives of those who perpetuate heresy, who are living in ongoing egregious sin or who are intentionally bringing serious division to a congregation. It is also designed as a process (Matthew 18) and as a last resort. When used to shut down discussion or control people it has moved from its Biblical purpose to a power play on the part of leaders.

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

What missionaries aren't telling you (and what they need from you). From a veteran missionary

What Missionaries Aren't Telling You (and What They Need From You)

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

Some of the worst things leaders can do when there is controversy or conflict in the church

One of the most difficult jobs of a church leadership board in the local church is to deal with differences of opinion within the congregation especially when the issues are major, sides are being taken by parishioners and there may even be the possibility of a church split (whether that means many people leaving or the church literally splitting). 

Boards often respond to such situations just as a person does when attacked - with a defensive posture. Often it includes a circling of the wagons where there is a great deal of secrecy, the labeling of people who may disagree with their position as dissidents, an attempt to shut down discussion of the issues and even intimidation through threats of "church discipline." In other words, just as each of us operates in difficult circumstances with either good or bad EQ, there is a corporate board EQ that responds either in healthy or unhealthy ways to church related issues. 

Ironically, while boards can point the finger at what they may justifiably (or not) label behaviors of congregants as sinful or divisive, they can be equally guilty of the same behaviors. Of course they can use the "authority" card, even when their behaviors are not healthy!

I have several suggestions for boards who find themselves in this position.

One. Do not shut down legitimate discussion. Whenever we try to muzzle people we are operating out of fear rather than from a position of health. Whenever there cannot be a free discussion of differences - while staying connected with one another we are operating from fear. Healthy leaders both invite candid dialogue and work toward win/win solutions rather than a win/lose solution. They are non-defensive, open, listen carefully and work toward solutions that preserve the unity of the church. When boards circle the wagons free dialogue is over.

Two: Do not marginalize people who disagree with you. This is a common behavior when one feels under attack. Rarely is this about whether those who disagree with us are sinful or righteous, but rather that we disagree on process or solutions. Often division comes when one side or another takes a position that disenfranchises the other rather than looking for ways to address the concerns of both sides. 

Three: Don't do it alone. When issues become magnified and positions become stakes in the ground you often need an outside facilitator who can help moderate a discussion. A skilled outside facilitator does not have an agenda and therefore can speak to both sides and help them come together. Resisting an outside voice is usually an indicator that we want our way rather than a win/win solution. 

Four: Realize that the more you spin the issues and try to manage people who disagree with you the more dysfunctional the debate will become. People don't like to be manipulated and many boards who go on the defensive do just that with spiritual language, board "authority" and actions that put people in a corner. The more a board tries to "manage" the debate rather than allowing it to occur the more dysfunctional the debate will become. Ironically it is in trying to shut down discussion that the issues become even more problematic. When people don't feel heard, they will try all the harder to be heard. 

Five: Remember that you can split the church (the bride) simply by making it clear that "if you don't agree you should leave." Many will not fight a board and pastor but feel forced out nonetheless. When people start redirecting their giving, for instance, it is usually done because they feel no other way to send a message to leaders about the direction of the church. Leaders who don't pay attention to such signs are either in denial or foolish. I am always amazed by leaders (including pastors) who are willing to see large numbers of people leave who don't agree with them. They may get their way but there will be no end to the conflict as those who leave continue to have relationships back at the church they left. 

Six: You cannot move forward by marginalizing a segment of the church. Leaders need to honor the past as they build for the future. Being willing to sacrifice the past for the future is neither Biblical nor unifying. Yet it happens all too often. Ephesians 4:3ff is a good place to start in terms of how we see the folks in our congregations: 

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

Boards and other leaders who feel on the defensive need to live out the theology of unity. It takes wisdom and humility but it is possible.

Posted from Rockford, IL

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Ways that otherwise good leaders often sabotage their leadership

It is very possible to have significant leadership skills and still undermine one's own leadership. And this is not only a risk for young leaders for often for leaders that have seen significant success. 

Hubris. This should be obvious but it isn't always! Success breeds confidence and that confidence can cause us to overestimate our wisdom and underestimate our need for counsel. This can creep up on us over time without our realizing it until we are no longer open to the input of others which eventually comes back to bite us.

Schedule. Good leaders are in demand. That demand can cause us to say yes too often and no too seldom. Busyness wears us down, tires our bodies and minds, robs us of think time and even God. Schedule erosion eventually catches up to us in negative ways.

Entitlement. Successful leaders can start to believe that the rules don't apply to them as they apply to others. One of the ways this often plays out is in behaviors that they would not allow others to exhibit but which they feel they can. This may be carelessness in the treatment of others in words or attitudes or simply taking staff for granted. Because they have positional authority they often get away with behaviors that they shouldn't but by doing so they lose the respect of their staff.

Laziness. Many leaders who saw success in one period of life lose their edge in another because they no longer feel the need to stay sharp, learn new skills, and understand the changing environment around them. This can be the result of out of control schedules or hubris but whenever we stop being intentional in our own development we begin to lose our ability to lead well.

Health. This is one I understand and I have had to become deeply intentional about addressing my own health issues. When we don't those issues often compromise our energy and our ability to carry out our leadership roles. In the second half of life, this is one that leaders must become more intentional about if they are going to go the distance.

Transformation. It is what God wants to do in our hearts, thinking, priorities (lifestyle) and relationships and it is a life long process. I love the comment my brother made at my father's funeral service. "He was not a perfect man but he kept getting better." Cooperating with the Holy Spirit to become everything God made us to be and to become more and more like Jesus is one of prime responsibilities of leaders who model transformation for others. When we lose our intentionality here others notice and it sabotages our leadership.

Clarity. Lack of personal and leadership clarity leaves both us and our staff without focus. No matter how brilliant one is, a lack of focus creates confusion for those one leads and dissipates the energy that one expends. Life should be journey toward ever greater clarity about what God wants us to do (and alternatively not do), what our priorities should be (and there should be only a few) and what the target is for our work (without which our staff will lack direction). 

Discipline. No amount of brilliance makes up for a lack of discipline in our lives. Our personal discipline is a reflection of our understanding of God's call on our lives and our commitment to steward the gifts He has given for maximum impact. Lack of discipline communicates a carelessness about that stewardship. 

Jesus. Life is not about us but about Him. It is easy to forget that and to focus on our things rather than His things. Whenever we take our eyes off of Him we start to sink as Peter did when He left the boat to be with Him. To the extent that we lose that focus we hurt our leadership - and ourselves.

What sabotages your leadership? It can be one of these or it can be other things. Being sensitive to whatever it is will allow us to go the distance.

Posted from Rockford, Il

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

The worlds least religious countries - from the Washington Post

Map: These are the world’s least religious countries

Signs that leaders are leading from a posture of fear and insecurity

We often do not realize it when our leader is leading from a posture of fear but there are symptoms that give it away. It is dysfunctional and it feels bad but we often do not understand what is going on. Here are some of the symptoms of a leader who is leading from a place of fear. 

One: They demand loyalty to themselves rather than to the mission of the organization. Leaders who lack self confidence require their staff to be loyal to them - usually meaning that their staff agree with their views - rather than loyalty to the organization and its mission. They are intimidated by independent voices who speak their minds and if they perceive that the loyalty as they define it is not present they often marginalize those voices.

Two: They try to keep people from talking to others about issues they feel strongly about. When pastors, for instance tell staff that they cannot talk to board members or board members to staff or staff to congregants it is a sign of fear rather than a sign of confidence. Whenever leaders seek to limit the conversation of others (beyond appropriate channels) they are operating out of fear rather than health. Prohibiting open conversation is usually a precursor to an unraveling of leadership.

Three: They display an underlying anger that erupts in inappropriate language, statements, requirements or rules. People who live with fear or insecurity often try to control the environment around them with threats, anger, strong statements that intimidate or rules that are meant to keep their staff in line. When it does not feel good, it probably is not good. When it feels intimidating or coming from a place of fear, it probably is. When it does not feel healthy it probably is not healthy.

Four: Those who disagree are let go or marginalized and the reasons for departures, voluntary or involuntary are disguised. Truth is usually a victim to insecurity and fear. There is an inordinate desire to control the message and to spin the reasons for departures in the name of being graceful for those who are leaving but usually to protect the insecure leader responsible for the departure of the staff member. 

Five: There is a culture of fear on staff. Anytime, fear becomes the culture and people are not allowed to talk with one another or others it is a sign of an insecure leader. No secure leader creates an environment of fear or intimidation. None. Where there is fear among the staff in general there is a dysfunctional and usually a fearful leader. 

Six: Candid feedback to the leader is not allowed or appreciated. Only insecure or fearful leaders create an environment where candid and honest feedback is limited, controlled or not allowed/appreciated. It says more about the leader than it does about the staff. It comes from fear and insecurity rather than security and freedom.

Seven: A leader's board and senior staff must toe the line of the leader. Some years ago, our organization made a decision that irritated a senior pastor within the denomination. He forced his board (through intimidation) to agree with him and to withhold all support of our organization in the face of irrefutable evidence that we had reasons for our decision. But no pushback was allowed and he forced his board to go along with him. When a board or senior staff must toe the line of the leader, it is usually a sign of control, fear and insecurity.

My question is why such behaviors are not seen for what they are in the ministry arena and why staff and boards allow this kind of behavior? It demonstrates naivete on the part of boards and usually fear on the part of staff who are put in an impossible situation. Don't be fooled and don't get sucked into a dysfunctional leaders stuff. It is poison and it is foolishness. Too many board members get sucked into the dysfunction.

Posted from Knoxville, Tennessee

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

A dialogue between T.J. Addington and Tony Morgan from the Unstuck Group on church governance

It won't take you much time but if you are a pastor or a church leader, this conversation is for you.

Church Boards: An Interview with TJ Addington

Posted from Knoxville, Tennessee

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Living and leading with expectation rather than discouragement

It is very interesting to listen to people regarding their circumstances in life and whether they see their glass as half full or half empty. I suppose this can vary on any given day but I would argue that for believers we have reason every day to live with expectation rather than with fear and discouragement. 

I love Psalm 5:3 in this respect where David says:
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation."

David is suggesting that it is possible to walk through our days with expectation of what God will bring and do in answer to our prayer. This is not a life of fear and discouragement but one of faith, courage and expectation.

The word expectation has a sense of mystery to it. How will God answer? What will he do in response to our prayer? When will He act? It also has a sense of faith for in expecting Him to act we are conscious that He hears our prayers and answers them - in His wise and sovereign way. 

After many years of leadership I have learned that I don't  need to live with anxiety over challenges in the ministry I lead. What I do instead is give the issue to God and wait to see how He will show up and what it will look like. I always have a choice: I can see life as a glass half full or half empty. As believers we ought to see our glass as half full - in expectation of how and when He is going to fill up the other half. You never know, it might even overflow.

An attitude of expectation is contagious. As God gives it to us, we in turn can give it to others through our attitudes, faith, courage and expectation.

Posted from Knoxville, Tennessee

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Pastors, staff and board members who use inappropriate language, emotions and actions

I was once doing an intervention in a church where the pastor was in conflict with several associate pastors. During a "reconciliation meeting" the senior pastor acknowledged a whole lot of behavior that he termed was "below the belt" but his further comment was that "It was no different than what the associate had done to him." Really? 

I told them both that their behaviors would be a no brainier for termination in the ministry I lead and that foul language, anger, threats, shouting at one another and undermining each other was simply unacceptable behavior in ministry and would be cause for termination in the business sector. What I said to them was that they were like two year olds throwing sand at one another in a sandbox rather than grown ups who deal with one another with grace and the attitudes of the Fruit of the Spirit.

I am always amazed at the behaviors that are acceptable in the church but would be unacceptable in business where the standards presumably are lower than in the church. When the Fruit of the Spirit is not exhibited by those who are in church leadership - whether pastors or board members or volunteers there is a deep problem. When the scenes behind the scenes are not consistent with the public portrayal there is hypocrisy in the camp.  Yet boards and staff seem to ignore this all the time. Why? 

I suspect boards ignore such issues because when it is a fellow board member they don't have the courage to confront one of their own. I suspect they ignore these issues with a senior leader when that leader is "producing results," irregardless of the behaviors that should be deemed unacceptable. That is a pragmatic approach that ignores the inner dishealth of the leader. What they don't get is that the health of the leader will inevitably determine the health of the staff and the entire congregation. As goes the leader, so goes the church. When it all comes apart, I have often had boards acknowledge that they knew all was not well with their leader but chose to ignore it because the leader was bringing people in. The facade was good but the inner structure was unhealthy.

Paul told Timothy to watch both his life and his theology with diligence so that all would notice (1 Timothy 4:15-16). He also told him to "set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity (1 Timothy 4:12). Theology without a life that reflects that theology is unacceptable in the Kingdom of God. No one is perfect but there are boundaries to what is acceptable and if it not acceptable in public it is also not acceptable behind the scenes. 

If our behind the scenes leadership (language, actions, behaviors attitudes) do not reflect our up front leadership there is a dissonance that should be addressed because it will eventually cause deep problems. Our public lives should directly reflect our private lives and when that is not the case there is a discontinuity that will eventually hurt the organization - especially when it comes to leaders. In the case cited above it caused the explosion of a church which has taken several years to heal.

See also, Abuse in the church. When the bully is the pastor.

Posted from Bloomington - Normal, Illinois

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Giving space and giving grace

We, and I include myself in that, are all too prone to criticizing  then actions or words of another. Now there are clearly behaviors which are out of line and which are violations of our organizational cultures. But at the same time there are things that we might call "quirks" of another - and we all have them where we need to give both space and grace.

As uniquely created individuals there are places that we will differ with others. In addition, there are things that others do that may irritate us. I certainly experience this and I also irritate others at times. 

There is perhaps no scripture that challenges me more than this than that of the the fruit of the Spirit: Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). These are the characteristics that the Spirit exercises to us and which we are to exercise toward others. 

Before I am critical of others I need to ask myself if I am living out the fruit of the Spirit in my actions and reactions. This is not an excuse to ignore inappropriate behavior but it is a reminder to us as to how we respond. 

Often, those things that irritate me the most in others are things that I struggle with myself. That is something that I need to think hard about. We all do! 

Before we react to the words or actions of others, lets give space and give grace. And if we need to address it lets do it with the combination of grace and truth and an awareness of our own vulnerabilities and struggles. It would make a great difference in our relationships. I am so glad for how the Holy Spirit gives me grace and space and for those who love me who do the same. I want to be one who gives it to others.

Posted from Bloomington - Normal, Illinois

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

America’s Changing Religious Landscape

Christians Decline Sharply as Share of Population; Unaffiliated and Other Faiths Continue to Grow

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

The next time you think you don't have enough stuff check out these pictures

Photographer spends 11 years documenting families around China with all their belongings

Avoiding conflict by creating conflict

It is ironic but there are many ways to seek to avoid conflict that actually create it. Think about this:

One: When we try to please others by not telling them what we really think in an attempt to keep peace we often unintentionally create later conflict since our words do not match our true thoughts. Our true convictions come out at some point and the lack of honesty on the front end creates conflict on the back end.

Two: When we tell one person one thing and another a different thing in order to keep the peace we eventually create conflict because the two versions don't match up. One of the signs of good EQ is the ability to be defining with what we believe no matter what the response might be. And to stay in relationship with those who might disagree with us at the same time. 

Three: When we simply avoid the issues and pretend that they are not there the end result is far deeper conflict than we could have wished for. Sweeping issues under the rug only leave them for another day when the number of undressed issues is now larger and the potential conflict equally larger.

Four: When we engage in passive aggressive behavior, hiding our true thoughts and allowing them to emerge in other ways creates even greater conflict because it is disingenuous. This strategy is all too common and it creates relational chaos since one thing is said but another thing is lived out. 

There are many ways to create conflict by avoiding it. There is no upside by not putting issues on the table. We may think there is but our strategies to avoid conflict actually make even deeper conflict inevitable. Boards and staff teams are guilty of this all the time and it does not yield healthy results.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Three key questions about priorities that apply to everyone

Priorities are an interesting thing. We know we have them, we know they are important but we often don't think about them much - ironically because we are often too distracted by non-priorities. The best sacrificed by the urgent. 

There are three key questions about priorities that we ought to consider on a regular basis. The first is do we know what our priorities are? Can we name them? Have we spent time determining what they should be? The reason this is so important is that either we determine what they are or others and life will do it for us. This is true in our personal lives and in our professional lives. Many people live with only a general idea of what their priorities are which is by definition a life unconsidered.

The second question is whether our stated priorities are the right ones. On the personal side, we know that our priorities revolve around God, our marriage (if married), family and our personal ministry. While these can easily become pushed aside they are not hard to determine.

On the professional side, however, it is not necessarily so easy. We need to start by asking what we want to accomplish and then our priorities follow from our goals. But that is not even the final issue because how we go about the pursuit of our goals can be the difference between moderate impact and significant impact. It takes focused, evaluative thinking to determine what really should be the focus of my time on the ministry or professional side. The end results of our ministries will largely be determined by whether we focused on the right things.

The third question regarding priorities is whether my stated priorities are reflected in my calendar. That is, whether I have connected the compass (my priorities) with the clock (my calendar). If our checkbook reflects our financial priorities, our calendar reflects our time priorities. Anyone who examines our calendars can tell what our actual priorities are and whether they reflect our stated priorities. 

Connecting the compass with the clock is easier said than done because of all the demands and expectations that come our way. But, it is the priorities themselves that help us say yes or no so that we stay on track with our calling and our lives. 

If you are challenged by answering these three questions, you are in good company. But the more we ask them and pay attention to them the more we will focus on the things that really matter.

Posted from Milwaukee

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

What drains the energy and momentum from your ministry?

Often we don't realize that a tremendous amount of energy is wasted and drained from issues that we choose not to address. The failure to address known issues can steal amazing time, anxiety or joy from what should be productive ministry.

Take a staff member who is out of sync with the rest of the staff or leadership. Their lack of alignment is like a huge anchor the rest of the organization must drag along behind them. Yet we let it happen all too often.

Or consider governance that no longer fits a church's size that keeps decisions from being made in a timely fashion, requires permission from multiple sources and just makes it hard to lead. In many cases poor governance models also create confusion as to who is responsible for what leading to frustration or conflict. It is a huge an unnecessary drain on multiple people.

Unresolved conflict between key members of a team or board also create tension and an emotional drain on those involved and those who are on the fringes. So do unresolved issues that come up time and again.

Ask yourself this question. Is there something that is draining you or your ministry team or organization of time, energy or emotional health? Is there something that causes ongoing frustration and is a drag on the forward momentum? Is there an individual who is at the center of ongoing controversy or conflict? 

If you can identify those frustrating drains on the energy of your ministry deal with them. It may cause short term pain but it will bring long term health. Once you deal with the issue(s) you will be amazed at the freedom you feel and the new energy you have. 

Posted from Milwaukee

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Five things to remember about all emails you send.

I just saw an email that caused me to say "Oh my!" and it reminded me of the dangers that emails present. I suspect that if it could be recalled it would be but that is not possible and now it is being circulated to places and people the author probably does not desire.

Five things to remember about all emails we send:

First: Do not assume they will not be made public. The more controversial the conversation the greater the chances there are that whatever you write will find its way into the hands of others. All it takes is one click. Do not write anything that you don't want others to see and that you cannot substantiate. Our tone, our words, our attitudes and our assumptions matter in print and they can easily be wrong or badly misunderstood.

Second: Do not question the motives of others. In the first place you may well be wrong. In the main we cannot know what those motives really are. Conversations may unearth them but emails rarely will and you run the risk that you have it wrong - but now in print.

Third: Do not make accusations you cannot prove and even if you can that will not be understood by others who might read the email. Emails are not the place to make accusations. I am reluctant to do so in person let alone by email. And remember that even if you are right, those who are friends of the one you are writing to will rarely agree with you and it probably will come back to bite you. Why pick fights that you don't need to pick?

Fourth: Do not use inflammatory language. The harsher the language the tougher it is going to be to resolve whatever issue needs resolution. Inflammatory language raises the level of conflict, can be accusatory by its very nature and is unnecessary in an email. Even if everything you say is true, third parties who may see the email will inevitably take exception to you and what you wrote - and you will lose coinage.

Five: Don't make a threat by email. There may be consequences to someone's actions but rarely is it helpful to threaten them in a way that could go public, or that will be misunderstood by third parties.

If one is tempted to send an email that violates any of these five principles it is a smart practice to first wait 24 hours before sending it and second to have a colleague you trust read it. If it has implications for your organization or ministry, show it to your supervisor before sending because if it comes back to haunt you it will also haunt them. 

Posted from Guatemala

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

When leaders stop learning they also stop leading

Leaders often inadvertently stop leading even though they think they are leading. After all they have the title and the responsibility. And authority. But, Leadership is not about those three things. It is helping the ministry move forward in clarity toward a defined goal and meet the new challenges of the day. 

None of that happens without the leader continually growing personally and professionally all the time. When leaders stop learning and growing they also stop leading. 

Consider:

The environment around us changes continuously and unless we respond to those changes we quickly become irrelevant in our methodology. Our theology does not change but our methods of ministry need to. Not only does our environment change but the needs of an organization change at different seasons and phases of growth. Moving through those times of transition takes new thinking and new skills that if not learned plateau the ministry.

In addition, those who report to us take their cues from us. If leaders are not always pushing forward to learn new things others probably will not either. So stagnation at the top leads to stagnation throughout the organization. This leads to the best people leaving (staff or in the church congregants) and over time it leads to decline. 

What keeps leaders from growing? Often our busyness keeps us from focusing on what is most important. Thus we can live with the illusion we are leading (we are doing things) but we are not actually helping the ministry move forward but are rather managing the status quo.

I believe another reason is often laziness. It is easier to manage the status quo than to figure out what comes next and how to get there. 

Finally, pride can keep us from seeking help from others. But none of us grow without the help of others. Often leaders need help to grow but do not ask or take the initiative. Pride makes us believe we are better than we are. Humility leads us to seek growth as we realize how much we don't know. 

Pride, laziness and busyness all conspire to keep us from learning new things. If we are going to go the distance it is a lifelong process with great intentionality and purpose. Pursue growth and the organization will grow. When we don't we actually stop leading.

Posted from Guatemala

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Study shows that Millennials are leaving the church in droves

Millennials leaving church in droves, study finds

Posted from Guatemala

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

A must read for all those interested in Latin American Christianity

If you support mission efforts in Latin America or serve there I would encourage you to pick up this book which gives an excellent overview of where the church is today and how it got there. It is part of an Oxford series on Christianity and is a fascinating and helpful read.

Amazon link

Posted from Guatemala

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Why you should consider missions if you are in your second half of life

I talk to a lot of people who want more. More impact, more influence, more opportunity to make an impact for the kingdom. Many of them are in their fifties and have been there and done that. They are professionals, in the trades and in ministry and they long for more. More is something they should consider! And it may be in full time missions. Don't be shy - take a chance with Jesus and ask if this is an option for you.

Don't get me wrong. There is no first bench and second bench in the economy of Jesus. There is nothing more spiritual about full time missions than being in one's lane in their own country. God uses all of us for extraordinary things if we are available to Him.

But....there are many who long for more. And the opportunities to bring Christ to the nations is an amazing opportunity and unlike the past, mission agencies can use anyone with a skill along with good personal, emotional and relational health. It is ordinary people reaching ordinary people for extraordinary results. We live in a world that is deeply thirsty for answers to life. And, the response to the Gospel in many parts of the world is amazing. In other settings it his about planting the seeds for future response. 

I can speak for ReachGlobal that we are actively looking for both leaders and staff who have a heart for the global gospel. If you email me at tim.addington@efca.org I will put you in touch with someone who can explore the options with you. Or, contact the mission that you are familiar with. At the least, explore how you can make a difference in our needy world.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Managing anxiety in our leadership roles and saving us from ourselves

On a regular basis, leaders are confronted with situations that cause anxiety. How we learn (and it is learned) to handle that anxiety is one of the key factors in how well we will lead over the long haul. Those who don't handle anxiety well will sabotage their leadership either through emotional responses that are inappropriate or through inner turmoil that eats at their gut - and often both. It is one of the reasons some very bright people choose not to lead. When someone says, "It's not worth the hassle," what they are often saying is that "I don't have the tools to manage the anxiety that comes with leadership."

Anxiety is the uncertainty that comes from any number of situations leaders face. It can be conflict within the team that needs to be resolved, actions or words of a team member that we assume are disloyal to us, seemingly dumb things that someone may have done or situations we just don't know how to confront. I can think of a long list of people and situations that caused me anxiety as a leader, especially as a young leader. That anxiety, however, must be managed if we are to act with discernment and wisdom rather than with an emotional, angry or knee-jerk response.

How do we manage our emotions in these situations and save ourselves from ourselves? Here are some suggestions:

One: Don't act precipitously. Acting out of our initial response will usually exacerbate the situation rather than resolve it.

Two: Manage your anxiety - it is wasted energy. I often simply visualize a drawer in my mind where I place those things causing me anxiety and lock it until it is time to deal with the issue.

Three: Don't assume you have all the facts. This is why time is on your side. Often when acting out of emotion we are also acting out of factual ignorance. Getting the whole story often puts things into perspective.

Four: Don't assume ill motives. When we get all the facts we often discover that the motives of others were not poor whether what they did was wise or not.

Five: Consult with a trusted colleague to get a different perspective on the issue and ensure that you are taking a wise course to address it.

Six: Think through how you want to approach the issue with the individual(s) involved for the most positive outcome. This takes time. Don't address it until you have a plan for your approach.

Seven: Have a conversation with the individual(s) involved. A conversation is different than an attack. Often in talking the situation out we come to understanding and mutually agreeable solutions.

Eight: Consider what everyone can learn from the situation. In other words, assigning blame is often not as healthy as just seeing what lessons can be learned moving forward.

Nine: It goes without saying for Christian leaders that asking for God's wisdom in the situation is critical. 

Posted from Oakdale, MN

For more help in understanding emotions in leadership, my new book Deep Influence deals with this in greater depth.

5 ways reading makes you a better leader by Michael Hyatt

5 WAYS READING MAKES YOU A BETTER LEADER

The Science Behind Reading and Influence

Posted from Grand Rapids, MI

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

How much narcissism do we live with?

We would probably be surprised if we understood God's perspective on our narcissistic tendencies. All of us have them even though we would never want to be labeled a narcissist in the clinical sense of the term. Synonyms include vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism and egoism. The common theme is that it is all about "me" and "self." In its extreme form this presents itself as a clinical dysfunction. You probably know someone who displays these characteristics in an extreme form.

At a more subtle level, however, narcissism is something that dogs many of us and we might never notice it. Is my drive to succeed in ministry really about me (self-absorption) or about God? Is our tendency to hold on to material things with a tight hand (often being stingy with God and others about self-centeredness and fear of not having enough or about generosity and an open hand? Does our desire or need for the applause of others, fancy titles, or authority reflect Jesus or our own egotism? Even overconfidence in our decisions can reflect a significant level of narcissism which is why supremely confident leaders rarely listen to the advice or push back of others. 

On the part of leaders, here are some of the behaviors that reflect a level of narcissism.

• Taking credit for work performed by others
• Needing the limelight
• Not listening to the input of others
• Needing to get one's way
• Supreme confidence in all decisions
• A need to be at the center of attention
• Being stingy on thank you's and platforming others
• Insecurity with staff who are better at something than themselves
• Poor treatment of others
• A critical spirit
• Using others for our own agendas
• Defensiveness
• Focus on ourselves and our issues to the exclusion of  the needs of others.
• Quick anger when things don't go our own way
• Being jealous of the success of others
• Needing to be in charge
• Not apologizing for failures

It is worth thinking back over the past month and asking ourselves what decisions reflected narcissistic tendencies and which reflected a generous spirit that looks like Jesus? We are by our lower nature intrinsically selfish (narcissistic) and it is the Holy Spirit's work in our lives that moves us from a focus on self to a focus on Jesus and others. But it is a long journey of a deeper understanding of who we are, what motivates us and where we reflect our own interests more than those of Christ. All of us live with narcissism. The question is how aware we are of it and what we are doing about it. 

Posted from Grand Rapids, MI

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

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From the Economist, the problem of missing girls in China and India

The marriage squeeze in India and China

Bare branches, redundant males

Distorted sex ratios at birth a generation ago are changing marriage and damaging societies in Asia’s twin giants

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Encouragement and leadership lessons from Winston Churchill for pastors

I am a huge fan of Winston Churchill and have read dozens of books on him. There a great number of leadership lessons that can be learned from his life, good and bad so I was captivated by the following article on the lessons of his life for ministry leaders. If you are a pastor (or any leader) this article will encourage you. From ChurchPastor.com.

5 Lessons Pastors Should Learn from Winston Churchill

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Ten ways pastors and congregations irritate one another in serious ways

Pastors and congregations always have issues with one another, at least among certain individuals. Having worked extensively with both sets (including church leaders as congregants) I would suggest that the following set of five irritants for each party are worth thinking through. It might also make for a robust board/pastor discussion. These irritants may be real or perceptions but either way they are real to those who experience them.

Five ways pastors irritate congregants:
One: Defensiveness. Many congregants or church leaders feel that when they address concerns with their pastor that the response is not a healthy open dialogue but defensiveness as the pastor may take the concern as an attack or criticism of him rather than a suggestion or observation for the ministry. I have seen long term members leave their church (with sadness) because they did not feel as if their senior pastor took their concerns seriously, or even cared they were there. We all know that not all concerns can be addressed but defensiveness or lack of concern causes great irritation on the part of congregants.

Two: Personal agendas. Congregants and church leaders all have a vested stake in what happens in the ministry of the church. When they sense that their senior leader has his own agenda which they feel he is imposing on the congregation without process, feedback or buy in it is deeply discouraging. Yet it is not an uncommon issue, especially as new pastors come in with their dreams and hopes and philosophy without taking into account the dreams, hopes and history of the congregation.

Three: Dismissiveness of the past. New pastors (especially) often talk and act as if all things good started with their tenure and ignore or dismiss the prior history of the congregation. All of us who lead stand on the shoulders of others and it is irritating and discouraging for congregations to hear from their senior leader all of the faults of the church and how he is going to make the church what it needs to be. Of course churches need to change and sometimes it is radical change that is needed but wisdom places diplomacy and graciousness at the top of the list rather than criticizing the past. Ignoring history is always disempowering because it ignores the very individuals who made the church what it is today.

Four: The inability to disagree with people and still stay connected to them. Way too many senior leaders see people as either "for them" or "against them" based on whether they agree or disagree with one another. This reflects bad Emotional Intelligence and poor relational skills. Once this happens, many good people find that they are no longer listened to or even appreciated. It is painful for a faithful leader to be marginalized simply because he/she has disagreed with the senior leader who cannot live with that disagreement and stay connected relationally.

Five: Introducing changes too quickly and without proper process. Most people are change resistant which means that if change is needed (and it often is) a process must be run with those impacted by the change to bring them along, answer their questions and calm their concerns. Many senior leaders are highly deficient at the change process and the lack of process produces anger and disenchantment in the congregation. Pastors often then demonize those who they feel are resistant when the resistance was actually a result of their own lack of process in the changes they brought.

Five ways congregations irritate pastors
One: Pettiness. When working with churches in conflict I am always amazed at how petty many of the issues people want to talk about are. Choices a pastor and their spouse make in their lifestyles or the fact that they don't do what the last pastor or spouse did or something said in the pulpit - there is no end to the pettiness that some parishioners can have and are willing to make their opinions known, sometimes widely.

Two: Unwillingness to change in the face of evidence that it is deeply needed. Admittedly, this is often a matter of the skill of a senior leader to negotiate needed changes but there are plenty of congregations who have resisted change leading to three or four pastors facing the same issues in the church and leaving in discouragement. Congregations that resist needed changes will eventually die and it can be deeply frustrating to healthy leaders who are doing their best to bring health to the congregation.

Three: An inward focus rather than an outward focus. Healthy leaders will never settle for an internal focus when the community around them is absent a relationship with Jesus. Yet many churches are inward focused and see few people coming to faith in Christ. There may well be growth but in many instances it is simply transfer growth. Healthy leaders want both new life in Christ and life transformation. When they are kept from moving in this direction it is disempowering and frustrating and I have to believe to God as well.

Four: A divided board that is unwilling to police its own members. Hardly a week goes by that I don't get a call or an email from a pastor (or board member) about a dysfunctional board that will not police its members. What is left is often a divided board that literally accomplishes nothing of significance. It's mission has been hijacked by its ongoing dysfunctionality and the pastor is often a hostage to that stagnant leadership group. Pastors are dependent on a healthy board for healthy leadership and ministry. When boards won't police their own there is little a pastor can do.

Five: A stingy congregation or board. Pastoring a local church is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet. You have as many bosses as you have congregants, you have people who feel free to say the most inappropriate things, you must accept all who come, there are constant crises in the lives of people and you get to preach each or almost every Sunday. No pastor goes into ministry for the material benefits but congregations show their appreciation by being generous and their lack of appreciation by being stingy. I have seen many examples of both but the latter sends a powerful message of a lack of appreciation to their pastor.

A great response to this blog would be a candid conversation between a board and their pastor. Both might learn something of significance.

Posted from Phoenix, AZ

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.