Ten markers of grace filled people and congregatons

There are ten characteristics of congregations that are grace filled. These ten markers set them apart from the vast majority of congregations in the world. All are directed toward other people but come out of hearts that have been radically transformed by the grace of Jesus in their own lives. Congregations that have these markers are like magnets to believers who have never experienced this kind of grace and to spiritual seekers who encounter a new kind of Christian in those who exhibit these Jesus traits. Think about these markers in your life and their power when multiplied throughout a congregation.


Grace filled people assume the best of one another. Every relationship is one assumption away from misunderstanding and misunderstandings create relationship breakage. Usually, however, our assumptions about the intention of the other party are wrong: they did not intend to cause us pain. Assuming the best of others and their actions is a grace thing to do and it prevents unnecessary relational breakage.

When an offense has been committed either by us or against us, grace filled people quickly move to repair the relationship where that is possible. They are quick to forgive and resist holding onto offenses committed.


Grace filled people cultivate generous rather than critical spirits towards others. There is plenty to be critical of others about just as Christ could be deeply critical about us. Like Him we choose to love rather than criticize and cultivate as spirit of acceptance (a critical spirit is really a spirit of non-acceptance). Critical spirits also come from our own pride.

Grace filled people love to extend grace to those who need it and we all do - often. It is grace to forgive, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to love those who have fallen, to accept those who are struggling with sin, addictions or just the consequences of the fall. When hard words need to be said, they are always said in love rather than in condemnation. Their goal is always restoration and health.

Grace filled people are transparent about their own issues, struggles and failures in appropriate settings. They don't pretend that they have it all together (none of us do). They are willing to share their struggles because they are not living with masks or pretense. It takes only one man to share his struggle with porn, to send a message to many others also struggling in secret that there are others like them and it is OK to admit one's need. Transparency is the first step toward growth.


Grace filled people love to pray for others. In grace filled congregations it is a common sight to simple see people in conversation and then being prayed for. Issues of life are quickly lifted up the the throne without embarrassment or apology. Taking people and their situations to the throne of God is valued, practiced and habitual. 


Grace filled people love the unloved, those who live on the margins, those who the rest of society forget or shuttle to the side. This includes the poor and the disabled. Just as Jesus had a radar for the down and out so do grace filled people. They have cultivated the heart of God for all people, not just people like them. This is one of the reasons that grace filled congregations are always involved in the community, meeting needs and sowing love.


Grace filled people love to love on others. Words of encouragement, acts of kindness, help in crisis. They are lovers of people because people matter to God. When opportunities to help others come across their path they do what they can to help, to love and encourage.


Grace filled people speak with kind, encouraging and loving words. Words that lift, words that encourage, words that build up, words that quiet anger. People leave their presence with a greater sense of their worth and knowing that they are loved. 

Grace filled people always point people toward the source of all grace - Jesus. They are not content to be people of grace but want others to know the source of that grace. They love to introduce others to the the One from whom all grace flows, Jesus.

I wish for this kind of grace in my life and I wish for this kind of grace in my church - and in all churches.

Our blessing of others is an indication of a kingdom heart

Those with kingdom hearts do not simply focus on their church or their ministry but they intentionally bless the ministries of others. I love the concept of local churches who weekly and publicly pray for other churches in the community. In doing so, they are not only calling down God's blessing on those other churches but sending a message to their congregation that "we as Christ followers are in this together" and that God's work is greater than our local work.

The same could be said for missions who pray for other missions and ministries who choose to pray for their fellow ministries. In fact, praying for like minded ministries is the first step in moving from competition to cooperation.

There is a group of churches in Gurnee, Illinois who have banded together across denominational lines to intentionally bring the gospel to every home in Gurnee in a relevant way. That did not start with some grand scheme for evangelism. It started as kingdom minded pastors gathered over the course of a number of years and developed relationships with one another, prayed with and for one another and for their community. As their hearts were knit together through prayer, their hearts were expanded beyond their own provincial interests to the broader Kingdom and Jesus interests of all people in Gurnee being introduced to the Gospel.

Provincialism - thinking only about ourselves and focusing only on building our ministry fosters competition. It also fosters pride in what we do and how we do it rather than a humble acknowledgement that we are but one of many ministries that contribute to the enlargement of His kingdom. We want a mindset that appreciates our part in God's work but also appreciates that we are but one ministry committed to accomplishing his purposes.

For instance, ministries that focus on themselves rarely cooperate with other ministries. This is true of mission agencies and local churches. If an idea is not their idea, they will rarely use it. And so we duplicate resources and energy rather than leveraging ourselves together for the sake of the Gospel.

Kingdom hearts start at two levels. First, it starts at the level of prayer where we pray for others as we pray for ourselves. And second, the level of relationship where we get to know each other, and through relationship start to appreciate one another and the value that our ministries bring to the table. We also begin to trust one another. As God knits our hearts together we find ways to bless one another and ways to cooperate with one another.

Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition

If the discourse on CNN, Fox, or CNBC are any indication, the level of dialogue, conversation and discussion in our world has continued to sink to new lows. Even among God's people, there is often a great deal of carelessness in what we say and how we say it. Yet, Jesus was clear that what comes out of our mouths reflects the contents of our hearts and our words for better or for worse reflect our followership of Jesus.

Scripture would encourage us to reclaim wise, considered and honoring speech. Solomon wisely wrote, "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few (Ecclesiastes 5:1-3)." Or as David wrote, "May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 19:13-14)." 


Words matter. Words either lift the reputation of Jesus or bring it down. Words encourage or discourage. Words heal or wound. Words either take into consideration God's point of view on issues or merely ours. Words are powerful and can cause pain for a lifetime or healing from a lifetime of pain. Words reflect the life giving of Jesus or the life taking of the evil one. Careless words hurt while considered words bring life. Words matter.  Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition.


Here are some biblical principles regarding our words, speech and conversation.

• Coarse and vulgar language does not honor God.
• The wise listen, evaluate and consider before talking. It is considered rather than careless speech.
• When needing to speak truth we do so in love, humility and with words that bring people toward us rather than push them away.
• Gossip, slander and second hand information are rigorously avoided.
• Our conversation should build others up and encourage them in their life and faith.
• Our words are either life giving or life taking: the first reflects Jesus and the second reflects the evil one (John 10:10).
• Our opinions (words) should be reflective of what we understand God would have to say about any given situation.
• Our words either bring people nearer to God or push them further away. Our words either lift ourselves up or lift God up.
• We will account for all the words we speak in our lifetimes so we ought to speak with eternity in mind.

Never underestimate the power of our words for good or evil. How many of us remember words spoken to us that have hurt for a lifetime - and words of healing that have been deeply healing. Because so much of our life involves, words, speaking, conversation and dialogue, much of our life is defined by the words we speak. Much of our impact on others is defined by the words we speak in their presence. Most of all they reflect the contents of our hearts and minds. 

Leaders set the standard of discourse in their organization as parents do in the home. In all conversations each of us sets the tone by how we choose to communicate. Our words have great influence over others. 


May we be Jesus with our words and speech!

Three questions for every church leader

There are three questions church leaders should ask on a periodic basis. First, Can you describe in a concise fashion what success looks like for your ministry? I am talking thirty seconds or less, specific and shared by all leaders. 

Second, can you defend that definition from Scripture? In other words is it a New Testament definition of success or is it a cultural definition of success - there is a difference.

Third, How are you doing against your description of success - honestly! What if anything do you need to do differently.

Three questions, huge implications.

Teaching our children and grandchildren how to think

The art of thinking critically is being lost in the west at an amazing rate. The spirit of relativism, television, the loss of reading, popular culture all conspire to rob our kids and grand kids of the most important skill they could every acquire, the ability to think, to reason, to work through a problem logically and come to a logical conclusion. We cannot change the world in which our kids and grand kids live but we can give them the gift of helping them to think well.


With our two boys the forum for thinking was often our dinner table. Anything was fair game from politics, to church, to work issues to current events or the drama at school. In those conversations we would often ask questions to draw out their thinking. The boys would challenge us and one another and we them. It was a wonderful conversational free for all that put ideas on the table and didn't separate adult conversation from kids conversation. Often the conversation was alternatively serious and then very funny. 


Kids love to talk, play with ideas and express themselves. The simple act of dialogue where there is a back and fourth with lots of questions that help them clarify their thinking, reasoning and conclusions is a gift that will stick with them for a lifetime. In the process they learn critical thinking skills that help them separate current sophistry from truth.


In fact, helping kids understand that there is truth, that there are absolutes that we can count on is huge today because the relativism they grow up with in school is "you have your truth, I have my truth and both are true" (a non sequitur if there ever was one: But wait, that is logic!).  That kind of garbage thinking is raising a whole generation of kids to believe that anything and everything can be true simply because one believes it. As the British would say, that is pure, unadulterated rubbish! The shallowness of our political dialogue today is testimony to the fact that politicians count on the fact that people don't think. So much of what is said is pure rubbish but taken as fact.


All of this means taking time with our kids and grand kids. Their ability to think well impacts their faith, their personal lives and their vocations. It separates those who get their truth from Oprah and Chopra and those who understand real truth from Scripture. The ability to reason, to work through an issue logically and be able to defend it with real facts is a dying but necessary skill to successfully negotiate life and faith. Make that investment in the next generation and you will have given them a great gift.

Church bullies

Many of my most read blogs have to do with relationships within the church and behaviors that are problematic, toxic and which actually destroy the very ministry results that we long to see.  Recently, as a result of one of these blogs I received the following two questions from one of my readers who is on staff in a local church and close enough to the inner workings of the church to know what is happening. Here are his questions:

"What I do not understand is why pastors feel that they need to allow an individual to be repeatedly belligerent to them? Repeatedly derogatory, accusatory, disrespectful, etc.?  Repeatedly approach as a bully?

Unfortunately, I have also seen the belligerent person be the local ministry head who is "attacking" the other members of the staff on a consistent, random basis as to who is the scapegoat for the day.  In this situation it is not a pastor who is doing the attacking but a manager in a Christian ministry."

Let's take the first question first. Here a pastor is mistreated by  an individual in the church, someone whose actions are that of a "bully" but is not able to say "You cannot treat me this way." Why do pastors put up with behaviors which would never be acceptable in a healthy secular workplace?

Having been in those shoes I believe that one of the primary reason pastors don't put their foot down is that they don't believe that they will be backed up by their board if they do so. Pastors should be able to say to a bully, "Joe, you cannot treat me like this and if it happens again, we will have no further conversations without a board member present and I will share with the board what is happening in our conversations. While you are entitled to your opinions, you cannot pressure me with them nor can you treat me in a disrespectful manner. I don't treat you that way, I don't speak to you that way and it is unacceptable in God's church for you to do that with me. So we will never have another conversation like this without it going to the board and without a third person present." 

In order for a pastor to be that defining he needs to know that his board will back him up - completely. Unfortunately, weak boards are often cowards when dealing with bullies in the church. They are afraid of them and often will not confront them. That is why church bullies (often former leaders) get away with unconscionable behavior that is toxic to the church as a whole. And, why pastors are often helpless to deal with the behavior. If the board will not back them up, they will eventually give up or choose to leave. Usually the bully knows that the board will not choose to confront them and sometimes is on the board.

Here is the thing about church bullies. When confronted they usually run because they hate accountability. Boards need to agree that there are certain behaviors that are illegal in the church - they violate Scripture. Read Ephesians on relationships or 1 and 2 Timothy on dealing with contentious behaviors. One of the responsibilities of leaders is to protect the flock from divisive behavior and that is exactly what this is. Boards that allow such behavior and don't protect the pastor from bullies ought to resign and let someone who will lead. It is that simple. Often, because boards will not act, good pastors simply choose to leave and the scenario plays itself out over and over and over.  I know a church well that has played this scenario over for over 30 years now.

If I were a pastor today I would confront such behavior as suggested above and if my board chose not to support me in this I would resign. No pastor can be successful in a situation where toxic behavior is not addressed. Churches get what they deserve in terms of leadership. Good leadership brings good ministry. Poor leadership brings poor results. 

If the board is willing to support the pastor against toxic behavior but the pastor cannot confront a bully, the board needs to step in when they hear about it and deal with it for him. One of their roles is to protect the pastor. But in the end, it is the board that either allows bullies to operate or not. By the way, bullies are often perceived as "influential" in the church which is why boards will not deal with them. In the church, one does what is right whether the offender is influential or not. You deal with it biblically (Matthew 18) but leaders must deal with it and will answer to the Lord of the Church for how they do or do not handle it (2 Peter 5).

The second question suggests that the bully is a manager of a ministry. In my world, this individual would be dealt with very quickly and we would let him/her know in no uncertain terms that this behavior is unacceptable and incompatible with who we are as a ministry. Remember that behaviors we accept among staff, leaders or pastors are seen as normative in the church. In allowing toxic behavior to exist at that level, you are condoning toxic behavior at the congregational level. Again, I would suggest a failure of leadership for this behavior by a manager of a ministry to be tolerated by staff and board. 

Sometimes, by the way it is the senior pastor who is a bully, who has an agenda that is his and forces the board to accept that agenda. This is equally unhealthy and unacceptable as leadership in the church is a shared leadership of godly individuals. No one individual should have the power to force others to do their personal will. Healthy boards insist that the directional decisions of the church are corporate decisions, not just that of the senior pastor. Weak boards accede to pressure whether from a pastor or other bully in the church. In either case, it is toxic, unhealthy and wrong.

If you look at the "popular blog listing" on my blog site it lists the top ten blogs in the past thirty days. At any time, many of these have to do with dysfunctional relationships in the church. The problem is ubiquitous and boards have a lot to do with the problem. I predict this blog will end up on that list quickly because there are many bullies who are given free reign in many churches. It is time to call a halt to behaviors that diminish the name of Jesus in the very institution that is designed to lift His name high. If you have such a problem please, in the name of Jesus, deal with it. It is His reputation that is on the line.

For more help on this and related issues, pick up a copy of my book, High Impact Church Boards in paperback or on Kindle. It deals with the real life issues churches face.

When does one know their job is done?

Nothing lasts forever but often we treat our job as if it does. In the business world this often comes with a rude awakening when someone else tells us that our job is finished. In the ministry world that is less true but all of us need to be aware that we serve for a season in the role we are in and there comes a time when transition is healthy. The question is, how do we know when that is?

The board/supervisor check: This is where we start getting signals from our board or supervisor that we should perhaps think about transition. Take those signals seriously and engage your supervisor or board in dialogue around them. It is not unusual for boards or supervisors to try to communicate in a gentle way that it is time, but for people not to hear. Even if one disagrees with the sentiment, the issue has been raised and needs to be addressed so that it is not "the elephant in the room." The bottom line is that it is hard to serve without the support of one's supervisor or board so entering into conversation rather than ignoring it is critical.

The gut check: I have accomplished what I set out to do. Some of us came into our roles with a vision of what needed to be accomplished and there comes a day when it is. The question then becomes, has God given me a new vision for the next run or having accomplished what I came to accomplish is it time to look for a new role (whether in the same organization or not)? 

The boredom check: Boredom is a sign that we are not in the right role anymore and we either need to reinvent our role or look for another role that will utilize all whom God made us to be. I was once in that place. I did the job well and no one was complaining but I was bored which was a sign that I had outlasted my shelf life in that role. When our heart is no longer in what we are doing, no matter how good we can do it, it is time to move on.

The next level check: If one is a leader, as I am, there are periodic and predictable moments when the organization or team must be re-envisioned for the next run. When leaders cannot figure out what that looks like and what the organization needs to do in the next phases of ministry it is time to step aside and allow a new leader to take over. 

This is a tough reality for senior leaders. Once they have exhausted their ability to take the ministry to the next level one is left in maintenance mode which over time will send the ministry into a holding pattern which leads eventually to decline. Unfortunately this happens at a stage when the senior leader is often going to find it hard to find another similar job (the age thing) so the tendency is to stay too long at the expense of the ministry. This is often where boards step in because they realize that the lack of energy or ability to take the ministry to the next level threatens that health of the ministry and they may pull the trigger themselves. It is healthier for the senior leader to make that decision rather than to be removed by their board. Once I cannot clearly articulate the next run for the ministry my leadership is effectively over. It is not a failure, it is simply that my job is done. When a ministry outgrows us it is a good thing and reflects well on our stewardship in that growth. When we hang on too long and retard that growth it is a bad thing and reflects poorly on us.

One real option senior leaders have if they find themselves in this situation and desire to stay is to engage a competent executive coach to help them think through the relevant issues and figure out how they take the organization to the next level. This may mean that they have to work harder than they have ever worked because they are now moving into uncharged territory even for them. 


The Spirit check: Things may be going along well but the Spirit of God gives us this feeling that it is time to move on. This happened to one of my colleagues who had been with me 20 years. He could have been at our ministry till retirement but God was nudging him to move to something new. He took the risk and is doing amazing things globally. He listened to the Spirit and took a huge risk financially to follow. 


Nothing lasts forever when it comes to our job. Discernment as to when our time is finished and it is time for a transition is an important part of our stewardship both of our own lives and of the ministry we serve.