Leaders who need to be liked by those they lead

The greater our need to be liked by others the less personal freedom we have to be ourselves, follow God's leading and be self defining about what is important us us. It is a trap that keeps us from being us and from leading well! 


I have no desire to be disliked. In fact, I believe that leaders who lead well will be respected and liked by most, probably not by all. Leading well, treating people well and creating an environment for staff to flourish all contributes to respect for a leader. 


Many leaders, however, are not after respect but want to be loved and liked by those they lead. Wanting to be liked is a symptom of a lack of self worth - needing therefore to get our worth from the love of others. But for a leader, it is a trap because our desire to be liked can get in the way of our leadership.


Leaders who desire to be liked often are not able or willing to push into missional issues with their staff where results are needed but not forthcoming. It is a choice to keep a perceived friendship intact by not pressing on issues that might be considered contentious. In reality, the need to be liked is holding the leader hostage from addressing issues that need to be addressed. Ironically, they lose respect from their staff  when this happens.


Leaders who desire to be liked also become hostage to the expectations of others. Self definition - the ability to state one's position, even if it is not popular is a key leadership trait. But if my desire to be liked is strong, it will be difficult for me to self define in areas where that might not be liked. I am therefore hampered from making directional calls that might "compromise" my perceived friendship with those I lead. In doing so, I actually hurt the organization I lead.


Leaders who desire to be "one of the boys or girls" do so at the risk of their leadership because one cannot be best friends with all the staff and lead well. Once a leader becomes one of the boys or girls they are identifying with their team rather than with the organizational leadership role they carry.


Here is an interesting thought. Most staff do not have a need to be best friends with their leader. They want a collegial atmosphere where issues can be discussed and decided and they want to be respected. In turn they want to respect their leader but do not have an expectation of being best friends with their leader. It is the leader's insecurities that drive the need to be liked, not the staff.


Healthy leaders are highly collegial but they keep an appropriate social distance from the staff they lead so that they are able to see beyond the "friendships" and keep the missional agenda clear. It is in leading well that they earn the respect and appreciation of they staff even if they are not the staff's best friends.


See also:
Leaders and those they lead
Transitioning staff from family to team

Core ministries, ancillary ministries and focus

I recently had a conversation with a ministry where I asked what was truly "core" and "central" to what they did? They looked at me with confusion and said "everything."  So I went at it a different way and asked, "If you had half of the money you now have, what ministries would stay and which would go?" Their answer to that question got them on the road to identifying what was truly core and central and what was in fact ancillary.


Scarce resources are often the thing that force us to make the choice between core and ancillary. When you have to choose you have to make decisions as to what is truly central and what is not.


Here is the truth. For most ministries, there are core and ancillary sub ministries. Knowing the difference is critical because the majority of your time, energy and budget should be focused on the core, not the ancillary. Furthermore, you need to know what is core and central and what is nice but non-essential.


One of Steve Job's upsides as a leader is that when he returned to Apple for the second time, he helped them focus on a few core products and shed what was ancillary. He knew that the organization could not deliver excellence over a broad number of products. He ruthlessly shut down what was not central and they focused on the few products that have made Apple a very wealthy company today.


Ministries pick up all sorts of ancillary activities like a duster picks up dust. New stuff sticks all the time, often diminishing the core ministries as energy and focus is spread ever thinner. Disciplined organizations are very clear about what is core and central and they resist the temptation to add new and novel ministries that might be good for someone but are not core for them. 


Here are some important questions to be able to answer with your ministry team:
1. What is central and core to what we do and what is ancillary?
2. Do the central and core ministries get the energy, focus and resources they should get?
3. Are there ancillary ministries that are diminishing our attention to the core ministries?
4. Do we need to refocus around our core ministries and shed what is ancillary?

Holistic Missions: Cautions and Opportunities

Let me say up front, I don't like the word holistic much when it comes to ministry. As if holistic ministry were an option or a special kind of ministry. No! Holistic ministry is really Jesus ministry that ministers to the whole person: body, mind and soul.  All ministry to Jesus was holistic. He always cared about the whole person. So I simply prefer Jesus ministry.


I am delighted that there is a new emphasis on ministry to the needs of people today and much of the focus from the West to the Majority (poor) world focuses on those needs. This includes medical ministry, micro enterprise, clean water, orphan ministries, poverty alleviation and the list could go on. It is refreshing to see the church minister to the needs of people rather than simply doing evangelism.


However, and this is where the caution lies: If in the past we neglected the needs of the whole person for the needs of the heart, today we run the risk of neglecting the needs of the heart for the physical needs alone. This is not Jesus ministry. He never ministered to physical needs without caring for the needs of the heart. It was always both, never one or the other. If I give people clean water without the living water of Jesus I have solved a physical problem but neglected the greater eternal problem.


In a poor world there are many opportunities to minister to the physical and spiritual needs of people. Let's not relive the mistakes of the past where we neglected the physical needs for the spiritual by neglecting the spiritual needs for the physical. Jesus simply ministered to the whole person and so should we.


If your church is involved in meeting physical needs among the poor, ask the question whether you are also meeting the spiritual needs of the heart. Is the balance right? What will you answer the one who says on the brink of eternity that you gave them clean water but never told them about living water?  


Clean water is the number one way we can directly impact a majority of those living in poverty globally. Living water is the number one way we can impact them for eternity. The greatest need for every man, woman and child on our planet is a spiritual need so as we minister to physical needs, lets be sure that we are also meeting spiritual needs. Lets take our cues from Jesus where ministry was always about the whole person.

Pedestals are dangerous places to be and to prop up

One of the risks of Christian leadership is that others often put them on  a pedestal, looking up to that leader as if they were from another species, seeing only the good stuff and none of the bad stuff. It really is a bad place to be for any number of reasons, least of which is that when the pedestal breaks it is painful for both the leaders and those who put them there. 

I also know leaders who love to be on the pedestal. They like the adulation, the otherness and the position it gives them. And, it insulates them from much of the scrutiny because the more removed they are the less others are able to challenge them. You don't say honest or hard things to unapproachable people - like leaders who foster a certain elevation from others. 

My advice to those who work for leaders who like the pedestal is that one does not treat them with deference, but like everyone else.  They may not like it but allowing them to be treated as special only feeds the unhealthy side of their leadership. I resolved long ago that I would always be respectful but never feed the egos of unhealthy leaders.

For the rest of us who may be put on pedestals by others, I have four suggestions. First, be candid about those things you can be candid about. We have the same struggles as everyone else. Being honest about those struggles helps others understand we are not different.

Second, be approachable. The more approachable we are the more human we will be while the more unapproachable we are the more "otherness" we foster. Let people get to know you as much as possible.

Third, be real. Pretense is dishonesty while just being real about who we are is honesty. The more transparent we are, the more human we are and the less others will elevate us.

Fourth, be humble. Humility is self effacing while pride elevates self. 

I have a good friend about whom people say, "He is without guile." I love that description. It is who I want to be. As such, I will not cooperate with anyone who wants to live on a pedestal or put me on one (God forbid).

The amazing gift of hope

Hope is one of the most wonderful gifts that we have as Christ followers. The word is used 76 times in the New Testament. In 1 Corinthians 13, the three things that remain for all time are faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13: 13). Hope is a gift that we gain when we give our lives to Jesus and it remains with us forever.

 Consider these contexts:

• We boast in the hope of the glory of God (Romans 5:2)
• We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19.
• Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)
• Set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming (1 Peter 1:13)
• the hope of eternal life (Titus 1:2)
• We have put our hope in the living God (1 Timothy 4:10)
• so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13)
• I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you (Ephesians 1:18)

In every challenge of life we have the gift of hope. No matter what our circumstance we have hope. On the verge of death we have the ultimate hope - that of eternal life with Jesus. For those of us who lose a loved one we have the hope of the resurrection and the greatest family reunion of all time. Hope is our constant companion, our daily gift, our sustaining anchor. It is the antidote to despair, discouragement and hurt. 

Hope is a gift given but it is up to us to claim it and live in it. We choose either to embrace the gift of hope or to allow ourselves to move toward discouragement and despair. God is the author of the gift of hope, Satan the author of hopelessness. The gift is ours. Will we embrace the hope we have in Jesus today?

There is much in life to be pessimistic about but if you consider all the gifts and blessings we have in Jesus Christ, in this life and the next, how can we live in pessimism? In the end, Jesus prevails over all things and we with Him! There is no circumstance of life that is not covered by the hope we have in Jesus. None. 

Choose hope today!

Pride and Christian Leadership

Personal pride and Christian leadership are fundamentally incompatible with one another. 

Signs of pride are easy to spot:

• Loving the praise we get from others
• Name dropping - we are on the in with the big shots
• Letting others know how big and successful our ministries are
• Not listening to others - we have the answers
• Letting others know we are in charge
• Taking credit for success
• Blaming others for failure
• Ignoring our shadow side
• Narcissism (there is a lot of it in Christian leadership) 
• Elevating ourselves
• Defensiveness (pride central)
• Putting others down

Think about this: Pride elevates self but we are to elevate Jesus. Pride says "I accomplished this" when in reality anything of spiritual significance was accomplished by God's power. Pride says, "I made something of myself" when in fact God gave us our skills and wiring as a gift to be used for Him. Pride thinks that our success is a reflection of our greatness when in effect, it is simply a gift from God.

If anyone had a right to pride it was Jesus but where do you see it? He claimed to speak the words of the Father, do the will of the Father and gave all the glory to the Father. He lived for the Father's glory rather than His own. When His disciples vied for position and glory He rebuked them saying that they were living by the world's values not kingdom values. 

The life of Jesus was one of humble dependence and servant leadership. Paul had the same mindset committed to boasting about one thing only - the cross of Christ. He took no credit for his accomplishments, great as they were but gave all the credit to God. He knew that "when he was weak, then he was strong," because it was all about God's power, not his wisdom or power. 

Why is there so much pride, so many egos and may I say it, narcissism among Christian leaders? It does not square with the life of Jesus or the life of Paul or the teaching of Scripture. We are nothing without God. My ability to write blogs and books is simply a gift I have been given. The leadership skills I have were also a gift from God to be used in trust for Him. What do I have to boast about except that God was gracious to me? And if I do take the credit am I not stealing credit from the One who rightly deserves all of it?

It is no wonder that many Christian leaders have major blow ups in their lives and ministries. Pride elevates self and minimizes Jesus and the greater the elevation of ourselves and the minimization of Jesus the more dangerous territory we are in. Narcissism is the ultimate elevation of self and rejection of Him. Once it becomes about us we have lost all ability to lead on His behalf. It is not that God abandons us, we have abandoned Him for all practical purposes.

It was pride that caused Satan to rebel against God. It was pride that prompted Adam and Eve to eat of the tree. It is pride that causes us to elevate ourselves but to the extent we do we are minimizing God. And that is a dangerous path to walk. Our hearts are indeed deceitful above all things. Guarding our hearts against pride is job one of anyone in Christian leadership. 

Bride over Brand

This week I had a remarkable set of meetings with 20 movement leaders in Africa. All of them represented different denominations and countries and all of them were together for a week to discuss how they could work synergistically together to send missionaries, see church planters trained and to reach those parts of Africa where the gospel has not penetrated.

What is remarkable is that they were placing the Bride (the church of Jesus) over their particular brand (denomination). 

Bride over Brand is a mindset that should pervade all of our efforts to spread the Gospel. This does not mean that we must give up the distinctives of our brand. It does mean that we are willing to actively cooperate with others for a higher goal of seeing the Bride expand, knowing that our brand is one small expression of the Bride that Jesus died for.

This takes a mindset that "we will cooperate rather than compete." It is a humble posture that knows that no one of us can do this by ourselves and that we have a lot to learn from others. It is a kingdom rather than a provincial mindset that places the Bride in its proper perspective. It is a Jesus mindset above all that values what He values - that all men might come to believe. 

I long for the day when this kind of mindset prevails across Christianity. When it does, we will see the Gospel spread in ways that we cannot imagine. Until it does, we will continue to do our own thing, not realizing that we are better together than separate. 

What is your mindset? What are you doing about it?