Overcoming defensive attitudes

Defensiveness among leaders can have a devastating impact on our ability to lead. Defensive leaders end up hurting themselves because their defensiveness prevents people from telling them the truth and if you don’t know the truth about what others think it is very difficult to lead. I would rather know facts I don’t like than not know them at all.

The root of defensiveness is personal insecurity. The logic goes something like this: “If I am wrong, then I am not a good leader so I cannot be wrong. If I cannot afford to be wrong I will push back on those who think another path is a better one.”

Ironically, in adopting a defensive posture, leaders actually lose credibility with others even though they feel they have preserved it by defending their position. Defensive leaders live with the allusion that they know what people think when in reality their defensiveness leaves them clueless and deeply vulnerable as a result.

When leaders are defensive those they lead talk about them to one another rather to them. It may not be healthy but they have trained their team not to address certain issues. Team members are smart enough to know what opinions they are allowed to share and where they need to keep silent.

The cost of defensiveness is not only that of not knowing what others think but a great loss of intellectual capital. It is in multiple counselors and robust dialogue that we come to the best strategy. In addition, it is in the process of that dialogue that we come to a shared ownership of the strategy. But this requires the ability to engage in honest and forthright dialogue. To the extent that a leader is insecure and defensive, that dialogue will not take place. As Lencioni points out in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, dialogue builds trust while the lack of it generates mistrust.

Over the years I have adopted a principle that I seek to live by: Nothing to prove, nothing to lose. I only need to be right if I have something to prove. If I have nothing to prove I no longer need to be right. Further, I only have something to lose if I’m trying to prove something. If I have nothing to prove, then by definition I have nothing to lose. If leaders understood and lived this principle they would not live with the huge amount of anxiety they live with – anxiety caused by the need to be right – and therefore be a “great leader.”

With an attitude of nothing to prove, nothing to lose, I remind myself when others push back or even attack (it does happen to all leaders) that it is OK. I no longer need to be right, nor do I fear being proved wrong (all of us are at times). I can just be me with great openness to the opinions of others. I do not need to agree with others but I don’t need be defensive with others. In fact, it is through a non defensive attitude that I get the very best thoughts from those on my team and in the organization I lead. It is only through a non defensive attitude that we get the very best intellectual capital and best tackle the problems and opportunities we face.

How much can you bite off?

Visionary leaders love to get stuff done. A lot of it. And it you look at vision plans they often look way too big. It looks great but it is not realistic. It might be realistic over a period of years but not in any single year.

Here is a general rule of thumb. No individual or organization can pay attention to more than three to five truly strategic things at any one time. In fact, the fewer "big rocks" you tackle at a time the better off you are - in terms of doing those big rocks well.

Leaders, teams and organizations that choose a few initiatives at a time and do them well get far more done over time than those who in their optimism bite off a whole bunch of initiatives but are left with not being able to pull them off well - if at all. In the end, "less is more."

What matters the most is having clarity around mission, guiding principles, central ministry focus and the culture you are creating and then running a few key initiatives each year to move you closer to those goals. A consistent direction over time combined with a few well chosen ministry initiatives that move you closer to your end goal is a very powerful combination.

These are the kinds of organizations described by Jim Collins in his two books, Good to Great and Built to Last. Classics if you have not read them! And, in my book, Leading From the Sandbox.

Organization wide, our mission with 550 staff members does not drive more than two to three key initiatives each year. I would rather do one or two and drive them through the fabric of ReachGlobal than to try more than that and not have them as part of our DNA. Seen over a period of ten years, those carefully chosen initiatives will produce very powerful results.

That philosophy requires three things from leaders. One, being clear on where we are going long term. Two, choosing the right initiatives to focus on in any one year. And three, great patience (the hard part), knowing that the process will bring huge change and ministry results - intentionally - but over time.

If you eat too much food at a meal you get a stomach ache. If ministries bite off too much they are ineffective - exchanging long term health for unrealized short term gain.

So:
Are you clear on where your ministry is going long term?
Are you choosing with great care the initiatives you are running?
Can you be patient for strong long term results?

Leadership and risk

When was the last time your organization did something that was truly risky for the sake of seeing accelerated ministry results?

Here is a principle to consider: The greater the risk taken, the greater the potential ministry return. Because most ministries are risk adverse and would rather tweak endlessly they give up far greater returns that could have been had.

What keeps us from taking risks - making radical changes that can bring accelerated ministry results?

There is the comfort of the status quo! Most of us gravitate toward the comfortable rather than the unknown, risky or uncomfortable. However, that tendency is exactly why many congregations, for example see little or marginal ministry progress from year to year. The status quo is actually the enemy of progress.

There is the lack of ministry evaluation and the time to ask critical questions! Perceptive leaders never assume that the way we do things today is the best way to do them. Rather they ask questions like, "Are their alternative ways of doing what we do that would accelerate our results?" But that takes time to think, evaluate, dream and consider alternatives. I am convinced, for example, that much of our western missions paradigms are woefully inadequate because assumptions are not being questioned and new opportunities are not being exploited.

There is inadequate commitment to mission! Ministries that are truly passionate about the mission God has called them to will naturally take risks because their passion for God's call outweighs their comfort with the status quo. Frankly, I think many ministries exist with little or no real passion for the mission that they claim to have. And staff are comfortable with their roles more than driven by the mission. Too often we live with comfortable ministry rather than passionate ministry. Find a ministry that is truly passionate about what God has called them to do and you will find a ministry that regularly takes risks.

Often ministries are unclear about what they are really about except in general terms! Lack of clarity prevents organizations to take risk, try radical new approaches or be entrepreneurial because there there is no compelling reason to do so. It is very hard to be passionate about an unclear or uncompelling mission, or to take risks for a diffused vision. The greater the clarity of what the ministry is about, the greater the tendency to take risks to accomplish that clear, compelling vision.

If your church, mission, team or ministry is risk adverse take a look at the issues above and ask if they apply to you? If they do, are you comfortable living in your comfort? Or are their issues you need to address in order to take more territory for Christ?

Resisting diversions in our lives and ministries

Diversions. Distractions. Deviations. Detours. All of these are temptations to boards, leaders, teams and individuals. It is the temptation to divert our attention from the main thing to ancillary and less important things. It is easy to be distracted from what is most important. It takes great discipline to focus on the main things God has called us to and keep our focus there.

Take the local church. The Main Thing is introducing people to Christ and helping them grow into spiritual maturity - the front and back side of the great commission. It is more believers and better believers.

If you are on a church board or staff, make a mental guess as to how much time in your board meetings are focused on accomplishing the Main Thing and how much time on other things? Or in staff meetings? Or in your particular ministry. It is easy to stay wrapped up in budgets, staffing and programming, all important but to the detriment of the Main Thing? Which is why many congregations keep many people busy with very little spiritual results.

My experience in working with church boards is that unless there is significant resolve on the part of board leadership, the board will gravitate toward all kinds of time churning issues that have little or nothing to do with the Main Thing.

I think about my own life. God has given me four Main Things for me. It takes huge discipline to stay focused on the Main Things and minimize distractions from other nice but non Main Things - for me. Scattered attention is easy, focused living is hard.

In his letters to Timothy, Paul repeatedly encouraged Timothy not to be distracted or to waste his time on ancillary issues, fruitless debates or even people who were prone to spend their time in empty discussions. He urged Timothy to focus on the Main Thing for him - preaching and teaching the word and ensuring that his life was lived with faithfulness and integrity.

Every day, people, circumstances and the very organizations we serve can distract us from the Main Thing. Our challenge is to keep steering our lives, our teams, our boards and our organizations back toward the Main Thing so that the Main Thing is not distracted by ancillary things.

Can you define the Main Things for your life? Those key things God has called you to? Can you do the same for your church or your current ministry? If you can, how are you doing? If you cannot, are you willing to take the time to ask and answer the question?

The Main Thing is to keep the Main Thing the Main Thing. And that is the hardest thing!

Advice for young leaders

I love the energy, passion and creativity of young leaders. Helping young leaders grow and flourish is one of the most important things more mature believers can do. I want to leave a leadership bench behind me that is better than the one with me. That is success for current leaders.

As we work with young leaders there are some foundational leadership principles that we can help them understand. These go to their leadership EQ which is critical to their success.

Humility. Leaders are simply using gifts that God has given. They are given in trust to use on his behalf. Leaders are not more important than others, they simply have a different role than others and are called to be faithful to the role God has given. Leadership is not about us but about our faithfulness to the one who gave us the gifting to lead, the care of those entrusted to our leadership and the God given mission we have.

Self awareness. Understanding how we are wired, how we are perceived by others, what are strengths and weaknesses are is critical to good leadership. The more we can help young leaders become exegetes of themselves the better leaders they will be. This includes knowing where our sweet spot is and playing to our strengths as much as possible.

Dark sides. Every leader has a shadow side. Those who do not understand their shadow side and where they are vulnerable may easily become victims of their own sin or dysfunction. We ought to help young leaders understand their shadow side and encourage them to spend as much time dealing with the shadow side as they do their strengths. Those who don't deal with their vulnerabilities end up hurting themselves and others.

Honoring others. Great leaders honor other people and help them become all that they can be. Remember it is not about me but about us. My success is directly connected to the success that I help others achieve. Leaders are developers of others. They value healthy relationships, honest feedback and giving the praise to the team rather than taking the spotlight for themselves

Approachability. Young leaders need to learn how to separate their personal pride from their work. Feedback on their work is not an attack on their person, although many people see it that way. Developing a "nothing to prove, nothing to lose" is critical to healthy leadership. Unapproachable leaders cannot be healthy leaders. Remember, it is not about me, but about us and the mission God has given us.

Teachable. Leaders who are teachable grow and develop. Those who are not often run the risk of ending up as narcissists, concerned only about themselves and resistant to honest and needed feedback. This goes to humility and approachability. The most brilliant leaders who are not teachable or approachable will end up hurting others and the organization they lead.

Hearts toward God. In ministry, nothing matters more than having a heart that wants to please the One on whose behalf we exercise leadership. Maintaining hearts that are tender toward God, want to follow Him and hear from Him, please him and know Him is the most important leadership requirement of all.

If you are a young leader you may want to ask those around you how you are doing in these seven areas. If you are a mentor of young leaders, consider talking to those you mentor about the importance of these issues. They will make all the difference as to their future success.

And I need to remember as a mentor of others that these qualities are as much caught as they are taught. So, how I lead and live will impact how they lead and live.

Taking up the offenses of others

It is an all too common scenario. Someone commits an offense against a friend of ours, we hear about it and we take up the offense as well - harboring ill will toward the one who hurt our friend, and even on occasion speaking ill of them to others.

Taking up the offense of others is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and is a destructive practice. In getting sucked into this practice we often cause relational breakdown with the one who we believe hurt our friend, are guilty of hurting their reputation through gossip, and in a ministry setting, hurt the cause of Christ - without any first hand knowledge of the facts of the matter.

Let me give a first hand example. Years ago, a colleague who worked in the same organization as I decided that I was a "bad" person (I think the actual description on their part could have been stronger than that). They shared their opinion of me with others, most of whom were healthy enough to figure out there was another side to the story. But a few, without any firsthand knowledge took up their opinion and felt free to harbor both animus against me as well as share that animus with others.

Interestingly, those who took up the crusade had no first hand knowledge or interaction that would back up the "charges" and "opinions." Yet they took on an offense and have lived with that offense for years.

The sad thing is that there is no way I can develop a healthy relationship with those individuals or colloborate with them for the cause of the gospel. Their decision to take on the offense of others has built a wall between us that I cannot remove (and did not build). In fact, they have never talked to me personally about their animus toward me but have felt free to talk to others.
It is not about my reputation, that is in the hands of God. It is about healthy relationships, healthy emotional intelligence and the impact those have on Kingdom work.

It happens to many of us but it is a highly unproductive and unhealthy practice. Each of us is responsible for our relationships with others, for keeping short accounts, and for treating others with dignity. If I violate those principles I need to make it right.

But, I am not responsible for the relationships of other people and if there is relational disconnect between others, I can encourage them to make it right, offer to help make it right but what I should not do is take on their offense. It is their issue, not mine. In fact, to believe as "fact" negative information about another without any first hand knowledge is sin: It is not "thinking the best of others," and when we share our negative opinions in the absence of first hand knowledge it is nothing more than gossip.

I wonder how much relational destruction has been done in the Kingdom by people taking up the offenses of others - and in many cases assuming facts and spreading information that has no real basis in fact. It is simply second hand information that may or may not be true

When tempted to take on the offense of others ask yourself:

• Do I have first hand information that the information is true?
• Have I tried to help solve the relational disconnect?
• Have I inquired of the one under indictment whether my understanding is a correct one?
• Is the issue one that is any of my business?
• Do I want to take the chance that by taking on the offense I may be guilty of attitudes and words that are untrue, hurt others and ultimately hurt the work of God?
• Might there be another side to what I have heard?

We have enough challenges in our own relationships to take on the issues of others - which are not our issues.

Insecure leaders

Insecure leaders harm relationships which has a ripple affect down through the ministry. Thus the question becomes, can we increase our EQ (Emotional Intelligence) so that we grow and maintain healthy relationships and don't cause the relational chaos that so often occurs with insecure leaders.

Most people can grow in this area but it can take practice. Here are some suggestions.

Practice an open attitude toward those who criticize or suggest alternate options. You may not feel like having an open attitude but this can be learned. The key to being perceived as open (even if you don't feel like it) is to not react defensively or verbally to those who may disagree but rather to default to questions like, "help me understand," or "unpack that for me." What we are doing is communicating that we are open to dialogue rather than simply being closed.

Dialogue with those who would take an alternate route is one of the most important practices of anyone who has healthy EQ. Closed people tell, declare or clam up while open people dialogue, ask clarifying questions and keep the conversation going.

Dialogue should be combined with the practice of "thinking grey." When thinking grey we are open to options, opinions, opportunities and have not made up our minds. Insecure leaders don't think grey, they need their way or need to be seen to have an answer. Secure leaders are open to all input before they make up their minds.

Thinking grey allows one to learn the art of compromise. Here is the deal. None of us are all wise or right all the time. There is a reason that when God designed church leadership He designed it as a team of overseers or elders. Compromise is not a negative word. We don't compromise on moral issues but we learn to be flexible on other issues. Healthy leaders are flexible, they listen and they don't die on hills that they don't need to die on.

Flexibility is really about humility. Pride says, I must have my way. Humility says, it is not about me but about us. The longer I lead the more I realize that there is a whole lot I don't know and humility means that I am willing to bring others into decisions I make - especially those who might not agree with me. It is easy to be "humble" with those who agree with us - not so easy with those who look at ministry differently.

One can see how these practices build relationship where the alternative destroys relationships. Good practices in relationships build while poor practices destroy. How are you doing?