Learning to have probing conversations

Learning how to have probing conversations with others is a great skill for those who desire to have influence. This not an intrusive conversation but one that helps people come to clarity about something in their lives. Nor is it a prescriptive conversation but one that helps another come to understand themselves and their situation with greater clarity so that they can move in appropriate ways.

This is a skill that can be learned - I had to learn it. I am by nature inquisitive and a learner but in years past I did that analysis largely in my own brain: Quietly and systematically. That worked well when it was something I needed to figure out in my life but it didn't do as well in solving organizational problems where the intellectual capital of others is so valuable, nor in helping others come to clarity on issues they are facing.

A probing conversation is one of questions, reflecting back what you are hearing for clarity and unpeeling a situation like one would an onion, one thin layer at a time. It is not done in a hurry but in a relaxed setting designed for reflection.

It's questions are many:
"Tell me more about that."
"Why did you take that course of action?"
"What did you learn through that situation?"
"What drives you?"
"What does a good day look like for you?" "A bad day?"
"What in life gives you the greatest sense of purpose and satisfaction?"
"Why?"
"Tell me about your strengths and their shadow side."
"Tell me about your family of origin and how it has shaped you."

Probing conversations are full of thoughtful questions, careful listening, clarifying what one has heard, the silence of thinking and drilling down in order to help someone else understand themselves better. It is a key tool for leaders, supervisors or just friends who want to help another think deeply about their lives.

Perhaps the most important question we could ask ourselves and others is why? Why do I say yes to so many things? Why don't I delegate more? Why does so and so push all my buttons? Why am I defensive about certain things? The why question is so powerful first because it helps us understand our motives behind our actions and second, often reveals weaknesses in our practices or habits. It is powerful precisely because it makes us question the status quo and prevents us from thinking better and differently and more freshly.

Thus we can have equally probing conversations with ourselves and the wise among us do it all the time. It is in self-examination that we  better understand ourselves, especially as we allow the Holy Spirit to illuminate the recesses of our hearts, minds, emotions and motives. 

Our world is filled with surface conversation and too little deep conversation that helps us and others live with greater self-awareness. Every one of us can work to change that by asking the right questions at the right time, of ourselves and others.

The Death of believers

In recent months I have seen a number of loved ones die as well as watched other friends struggle with what could be terminal illnesses. Even when death comes at an old age it is a sad thing. There will be no more conversations, shared memories or friendship, for spouses left behind loneliness becomes an enemy: a friend is gone and there is no denying the grief.

This is perhaps doubly so because we know that physical death only entered the world because of sin, along with illness, decay, and all the other suffering and sorrows experienced in this life. Every funeral is a reminder of Adam's sin and our own and its consequences. 

Yet every funeral for a believer who has gone home to be with Jesus is a reminder of something else: We were made by Him, in His Image, to enjoy unending and unfractured relationship with Him and that is what lies on the other side of the thin veil that separates this world and the next. There is no greater joy that what we will experience when we look into the eyes of infinite love and grace when we see Jesus.

But not just for us. In Psalm 116:1 the Psalmist makes an amazing statement: "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants." Why? because they have run the race and kept the faith, to quote Paul. And, because they will be complete in their fellowship with God for all eternity. The Image has been restored and along with it everything God made us to be - in His presence.

Every longing of our hearts on that day will be fulfilled in a way that we cannot even fathom. We will realize that for all our love of life, that this world is but a shadow of the one to come and we will emerge like through a deep cloud into complete beauty and clarity. We will finally be home: really, truly, completely home in every possible way. And we will have no end of time to mar the perfection we will experience in Him, in one another and in our own souls!

We know that Jesus shares in our grief when a loved one dies. He did with Mary and Martha at the death of Lazarus and He shares all sorrows and comforts us in all pain. But we also know that even as He comforts us He is blessed every time one of His is finally and completely home. It is precious to Him because we are precious to Him and we were fully made for Him. In fact, He awaits each of our arrival in a heavenly kingdom  that will never pass away and where we will realize how dark was the glass we saw through on this side of eternity.

Why boards must always speak with one voice

One of the key principles of healthy board governance is that boards always speak with ONE (corporate) voice! In other words, while robust dialogue and candid discussion takes place within the board room, once a decision is make it has only ONE voice and that ONE voice is the will of the majority, thus the will and decision of the board.

Why is this so important? First, it is the nature of boards themselves. They are by definition a corporate group that must make corporate decisions. While a board is made up of multiple individuals, it is a single (corporate) entity and as such cannot have multiple points of view when it speaks. The whole premise of a board and that of governance is that it is a single entity. When board decisions are disagreed with publicly by a board member it is no longer a single entity but several!

That is why when a board does not speak with one voice it often creates division within a church body. After all, if board members are not united by the decision they made, why should the congregation be united when they make a decision. We expect that the congregation, having voted on something (when that happens) will support the decision. When they don't see that happening at the board level, the board itself is training the congregation that they don't need to either and that it is OK not to support a corporate congregational decision. That of course undermines the health and unity of the church.

It also creates confusion. When a board as a whole makes a recommendation and individual board members dissent from that decision in public, what is the congregation to think? As a congregational member I would assume that the board itself does not really know what the direction should be and therefore the recommendation of the board carries little or no weight. Further, the board member who dissents is actually dissenting with himself/herself (how confusing is that?) because he/she is a member of the corporate group that made a corporate decision which he/she is now disagreeing with.

One of the highest qualifications for a board member is that of humility because all board members must submit their preferences to the preferences of the group. It is also why I say that "boards operate without a board covenant at their own risk." The covenant spells out how the board operates and the commitments that board members make to each other. One of the foundational commitments is that board members always support a board decision once it is made. They agree to speak with ONE voice.

Ununified boards outside the board room kill good governance, model poor behavior, create division and confusion in the congregation and are a violation of healthy governance practices. They hurt the very entity they are charged with leading and protecting.

A book for those who follow global politics

 

While the title may be a bit stiff: The Revenge of Geography: What the map tells us about coming conflicts and the battle against fate, this is a fascinating book on both world history and current events. I would recommend it to those involved in missions or those who simply want to understand global realities at a deeper level.

There are few contemporary authors who understand current events better than Robert Kaplan. Taking our world a section at a time - looking at how geography shaped their history and current situation, he also gives a glimpse at where our world is headed - or possible scenarios. 

The implications for missions are significant and thus I recommend this to those who are missionaries or those simply interested in global politics. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Good leaders are flexible leaders

Leaders with good EQ are both self defined and flexible. Their self definition becomes a compass directionally but within that direction they are highly flexible. For some, leadership is telling others what they will do and getting their way. For healthy leaders, direction setting includes other key stakeholders and then they are flexible on the strategies needed to go in that direction.

Most issues where leaders are inflexible and need to be right or get their own way are not worth the inflexibility. The very reason that church leadership was designed as a team, for instance, goes to the value of the counsel of multiple wise leaders. Most of the hills leaders choose to die on cause blood to be shed – rarely their own – for causes not worth dying for.

This is where being self defined but able to invite dialogue and stay in relationship becomes so important. Without this it is our way or the highway. With this it is possible to come to a corporate strategy to move in the direction that has been set.

Many of the conflicts that leaders find themselves in are a direct result of either poor self definition or inflexibility to negotiate a common course of action. Good leaders are highly flexible and are masters at helping other good people come to a common strategy on ministry that allows the ministry to move in the preferred direction. Black and while individuals, on the other hand tend to polarize rather than bring people together.

I recently watched a senior pastor lose a number of staff, key leaders and volunteers from his church because of inflexibility over issues that could easily have been avoided and which were hills not worth dying on. Rather than bring a group together to help find a common consensus, he found it necessary to personally define what would happen and in the end lost key supporters in the church. His lack of flexibility and black and white thinking caused polarity rather than inclusiveness which ended in great and unnecessary pain.

There are issues that are non-negotiables for leaders in order to achieve missional effectiveness. Most are not. The flexibility we have is a sign of good EQ - or lack of it.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Spiritual depth and Christian leadership

King Saul, in the Old Testament is a great example of a leader who started well but neglected the practices of a deeply influential leader leading to a terrible finish. In his early years, he looked and acted like a king. He was described as “an impressive young man without equal among the Israelites – a head taller than any of the others” (1 Samuel 9:2). In the early years of his reign he pulled off some impressive victories but early on there were signs that all was not well.

Saul started to believe that his leadership was about him rather than about a stewardship given him by God to us on His behalf. He ignored the prophet Samuel's instructions, and over time his leadership deteriorated, his heart showed the shallowness that it really was (even trying to kill David), until he himself lost his life on the battle field.

While Saul started impressively, it was the lack of depth in his spiritual life, the lack of wisdom in decision making that resulted in his long term decline in leadership effectiveness. He made poor decisions, took on bad advisers, displayed terrible emotional intelligence and undermined his own leadership as a result. Saul operated from a shallow rather than a deep place.

In an interesting comparison between the description on Saul an “an impressive young man,” when the prophet Samuel was instructed by God to go to Bethlehem to anoint one of the sons of Jesse (1 Samuel 16), he arrived and immediately assumed that Eliab must be the one (he looked like kingly material). “But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart’”(1 Samuel 16: 7). Instead of Eliab and the others, God had chosen the youngest, David, who was out tending sheep at the time which indicated his lowly position as the youngest.

God has an intriguing way of choosing leaders that would not be natural from the world’s point of view. Whether a Deborah during the time of the Judges, Paul, a former persecutor of the church, the disciples, many of whom would not be chosen to change the world, Joseph, a former convict, Moses, a “has been” who came into leadership with a felon record and from leading sheep for forty years, and the list could go on.

What God is looking for is depth of heart, faith, and wisdom that comes from the deep places in the inner self. The difference between Saul and David is startling and central to that difference is the deep inner well of spiritual depth that characterized David. This depth was evident even at an early age when it was he who took on Goliath (age 16 or so) but was deepened during the years between his anointing as King and the death of Saul when he became the leader of Judah and then Israel.

The books of 1 and 2nd Samuel are deeply instructive for those who want to lead well. Clearly David was a highly gifted leader. He engendered great loyalty from those he led, he was strategic in his leadership moves, undaunted by adversity and tenacious in reaching his goals. We know, however, from the Psalms that there was a rare inner depth which came from his relationship and dependence on God. One wonders where David found the time to go this deep spiritually when he was also the CEO of Israel but clearly he did. And the long term effectiveness of David when compared to Saul tells the story of why this matters.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

What leaders need to know

Have you ever sat down with a friend or colleague or leader to gently try to tell them something that they really needed to hear but the moment they realized you were addressing something they perceived as critical, the defenses went up, the body language told you that the conversation was not going to be easy and instead of a dialogue there was only a defensive response?

This is all too common, especially among ministry types (I am one) who seem to be more defensive than the general population because their ministry (what they do) is so wrapped up with themselves (who they are) that it is hard for them to take a step back, listen to counsel, advice or honest feedback without feeling that they and their ministry are being attacked.

The result for ministry leaders is that they often do not hear what people are really thinking because they have trained them that they are not responsive to honest feedback that they might construe as criticism.

I was once tasked to solve a difficult financial issue and when I presented my findings and solutions to my ministry leader he became angry, defensive and called me arrogant. Why? Because he did not want to hear "bad news" that challenged his paradigm of how things should be. With a response like that, he was training his people not to give him honest feedback because we knew that he didn't want to hear it and that it would not be a pleasant conversation.

This raises two questions for leaders. The first is, "Can I overcome my fear of hearing something that I may not want to hear and do so in a way that invites honest feedback rather than pushing it away?"

The reason we would resist honest feedback is that we are fearful that it reflects poorly on us. That is the source of our defensiveness. It is also an indication of poor emotional intelligence (EQ) because people with healthy EQ are open, non-defensive, and exhibit a "nothing to prove, nothing to lose" attitude. Indeed they not only invite feedback but when they get it they engage in non-defensive conversation to draw out the issues and seek to understand what the individual is saying.

In Proverbs, it is the classic "fool" who resists counsel and feedback, while the "wise" invites it and listens to it.

This raises a second important question: "Why would I risk the danger of not knowing what people really think by resisting honest feedback?" The end result of defensiveness in the face of feedback is that people often stop telling us what they really think and only what they think we want to hear.

There are two predictable outcomes of this scenario. One is that we don't know what is going on within our own team or organization and the second is that our defensiveness creates cynicism by people who do not feel like they can be honest. Both are dangerous for a leader.

I once suggested to a Christian leader whom I consulted with that he did not know what his people really thought about him because of his defensive attitude. He just looked at me with a blank face that said, "I don't care." He is in for a rude awakening when his leadership comes apart and he discovers that he has alienated many of his staff. His fear of knowing their true feelings was greater than the danger of not knowing but he will discover that in the end the danger of not knowing is higher than the fear of knowing.

Healthy leaders want honest feedback for the sake of their ability to lead well and for the health of the organization. Their healthy EQ invites honest conversation and they keep their anxiety and fear under control so that they are open to suggestions, critique and feedback. They listen carefully and then evaluate the information for its truth or relevancy. They do not need to agree with the feedback but they want to know what people are thinking.