Living an integrated life and saying no to compartmentalization

One of the greatest challenges in life is to live an integrated life where our values, practices, spiritual commitments and convictions are the same in all realms of life. Often this is not the case and it is why many Christ followers seemingly follow one set of rules in the marketplace and another in the church and can excuse behaviors or practices at work that they know do not please God.

Stephen Green, in his book Good Values: Choosing a Better Life in Business puts it succinctly. 

“Compartmentalization -– dividing up life into different realms with different ends and subject to different rules –- is a besetting sin of human beings.

"Compartmentalization is a refuge from ambiguity; it enables us to simplify the rules by which we live in our different realms of life, and so avoid – if we are not careful – the moral and spiritual questions. One of the most obvious and commonplace manifestations of the tendency to compartmentalize is seeing our work life as being a neutral realm in which questions of value (other than shareholder value) or of rightness (other than what is lawful) or of wisdom (other than what is practical) need not arise. 

"But there are many other ways in which we compartmentalize our lives. Work, family, friends, society – these are different (though often partially overlapping) realms of life, and it is all too easy, in a thousand ways, to play to different rules in each of them. 

"These different realms of being also overlap with the inner realm of the self (though none of them completely): by what star does that inner self navigate? And would it even know when it is off course? Compartmentalization helps to shut such questions out"

Compartmentalization creates a divided self because it allows inconsistency within our own lives. A divided self is not a whole or healthy self for it is by definition at odds with itself. That dissonance creates issues of conscience in the short run and a dimmed conscience in the long run. Eventually the dissonance becomes normal and we are no longer sensitive to what is truly right and what is truly wrong.

It is easy to spot compartmentalization in the lives of others. It is harder to spot it in our own and is one of the reasons we need to surround ourselves with others who can and will challenge us to follow Jesus in all areas of life.

Compartmentalization is responsible for giving Jesus a bad name as those who watch us see that our espoused values are not lived out in our lives. One of the best things we can do is to identify a set of values that we believe reflect Jesus well and live them out in every sphere of life. No compartmentalization, no dissonance, just wholeness! 

How self defined are you?

A key component of good EQ is the ability to be “self defined.” A self defined individual is one who understands who they are, is comfortable with who they are and can clearly articulate their own positions in a way that does not force others to agree and does not demonize those who disagree.

It is the ability to say, “This is what I think, (and why), now tell me how you see it.” In doing this the leader has made his or her position clear along with their rationale and has opened the door for honest conversation that can hopefully lead to a shared understanding.

Central to being self defined is to do so in a way that allows dialogue to take place even with those who might strenuously disagree with us. Some leaders cannot do this. They can state their position but cannot stay connected relationally with those who disagreed with them – thus the conversation is over without any resolution.

The ability to have a position and stay connected with others who disagree is a key component to healthy relationships. It is usually in on-going dialogue that one comes to mutually acceptable conclusions as long as we are dealing with people who also have a level of EQ health. Discussions with those who lack EQ often go nowhere. Thus our ability to understand the EQ of those we are dealing with becomes a factor in how we deal with them.

Self definition requires leaders to think well before they state a position. But their flexibility and invitation for dialogue also leaves the door open to further discussion and modification of their views. This is why a non-defensive attitude on their part is so critical. If staff know that they can honestly push back without repercussions and know they will also be heard it is often possible to come to a more refined position that works for everyone.

Self definition is a powerful leadership tool because it goes to the values, convictions, attitudes and actions that a leader has and the more consistent these are the more security those who work for them have. They know what to expect, they know what the guiding principles and convictions are and they know that these are not going to change.

For instance, all of my staff know that when something really needs to get done I will say “Whatever it takes.” Part of my own self definition is the conviction that when it is the right thing to do I will always default to that principle. Therefore, they know that they have the permission to do the same when something critical needs to happen.

The more defining the leader is the more clarity staff have on how they operate within the organization or team. My convictions on partnerships, multiplication, empowerment and team, for instance are clearly understood and become guides to staff on how they operate. My own self definition as a leader is a secure foundation for those who work with me.

Leaders who lack such definition, and are unpredictable are difficult to work for because there is not an accurate compass for others to follow. This is the case with leaders whose idea of the day becomes their mantra until the next idea pops up. Unpredictable leaders are difficult if not impossible leaders to follow.

Being self defined also means that we can separate ourselves from the issues of others and not fall into the trap of enmeshment or triangulation in relationships. We take responsibility for the issues we have with others and seek to help others resolve what they need to resolve but we are able to separate ourselves from those issues and not become drawn into them.

Moving from ambiguity to clarity

The single most important job of a leader is to ensure maximum clarity for the organization he/she leads. Without absolute clarity your people will not know what defines you, what your mission is, where you are going and what the desired end result looks like.

One of the five dysfunctions of ministries is that of ambiguity. And it is the reason that so many ministries are not more missional and effective in what they do.

This is especially true with churches. Often, churches grow to a certain size and then plateau. While many do not realize it, one of the key causes of a church to plateau is lack of clarity on mission, guiding principles, central ministry focus and the desired end result (for more information on these four areas, see Leading From the Sandbox).

Why would ambiguity cause a church to plateau? Because general clarity yields general ministry with general results. Ambiguity or lack of clarity prevents the staff from being deeply missional (we are not really clear on what we are about), aligned (around what?) and focused on clearly defined results (we have not defined those). Lack of clarity does actually cause a church to start to stall at some point and before it can move forward it must come to clarity on the four areas above. This can be true in a church of 500 or a church of 4,000.

Focused, aligned, results oriented ministry depends on a high degree of clarity regarding who the ministry is, what the culture we are trying to create is, what we need to do day in and day out and what our target is. In the absence of clarity, staff will simply do what is right in their own lives but one will not have a focused, aligned, results oriented ministry.

Interestingly enough, when a senior leader walks through the process of clarifying the essential issues (mission, guiding principles, central ministry focus and preferred result) they often discover that they don't have all the right players at the table. In the absence of clarity they have assembled some good people but not all of whom want to or can live with focused, aligned, results oriented ministry. They have not had to live there in the past and now they have a great deal more accountability for how they do what they do. In fact, they are part of the reason that the church has plateaued. Some staff would far prefer the comfort of ambiguity over the accountability of clarity.

Maximum clarity combined with truly missional staff will provide great lift for a ministry organization. If you need help in getting to clarity, Leading From the Sandbox is all about that. It is job one of a good leader and it will make all the difference in the effectiveness of the church or organization you lead. While this is a simple principle it is one that is largely not understood or practiced.

Clarity if job one for leaders!

Dealing with unhealthy or dysfunctional leaders

Coming out of some recent blogs on dysfunctional leaders the question was put to me in response, how does one confront unhealthy leadership behavior? It is a complex question since these leaders often don't play fair but I have seen this done well and I have seen it done poorly. What I will say at the outset that it is not easy. However, since an organization reflects the ethos and culture of a leader, their unhealthy behavior will directly impact the health of the organization and if not addressed for years after they are no longer in leadership.

Let me remind us of what some of those unhealthy behaviors are: The need to get one's own way, passive aggressive behavior, dividing people into camps (those who are for me and those who are against me), marginalizing those who don't agree with them, significant defensiveness, narcissism couched in spiritual language, using the God card (God told me), lack of accountability to a board or spiritual authority, inability to deal with conflict in a biblical way, words and actions which demean others, creating a culture of fear, an inability to lead, manipulating people to get their way, forcing their way through the strength of their responses and arguments which run over others and I could go on. At the bottom of this blog you will find a series of links to blogs that deal with these behaviors.

The first thing to do when you are feeling uncomfortable with a leaders behavior in any of these or other areas is to tell them how you feel. If it happens in private I would address it in private. If it happens in a board or committee meeting I would most likely address it there by saying something like, "Stu, when you respond the way you just did it feels like other opinions are not valued or that we cannot have robust dialogue around these issues. Is that your intention?" Honest feedback is critical to getting to issues with unhealthy leaders if they are going to have a chance at modifying their behavior.

If the issue is a pastor, or organizational leader, you may well need to have an executive session of the board to put the cards on the table. The goal would be to have an honest conversation, and to talk about a plan of action which must include leveling with the leader you have issues with. Certain behaviors should simply not be tolerated when they negatively impact others or hurt the organization. You may choose to get them coaching or help but what you cannot do is allow the behavior to continue. 

The marketplace is far better at this than ministries where in the name of "grace" we don't honestly confront problematic behavior. And remember, we are not judging motives but we are naming behaviors that are unacceptable. In the name of honoring our spiritual leaders we often overlook behaviors that are problematic but frankly that is why we have a plurality of leadership in the church. No one gets a pass on truly dysfunctional behavior no matter who they are.

The more severe the dysfunction, especially when it borders on pathology the more difficult it is to get through the defenses of an individual. Narcissism is a good example. A highly narcissistic individual may never understand or accept that they are in need of help. The higher the defense mechanism within an individual, the more difficult it is to address the behaviors because they are convinced that the issue is not with them. Pathological liars, for instance, believe what they are saying even when it makes no sense to others. 

Some individuals are simply living in an alternative reality field which cannot be penetrated no matter how much you desire to address it. I have come across leaders whose behavior has been deeply egregious and they are totally unable or unwilling to take responsibility or to admit issues that others around them see all too well. It is a sad reminder of our unlimited ability to deceive ourselves which is why all of us need healthy relationships, accountability and the humility to listen to others.

If there is an impasse between the leader and the supervisor or board don't hesitate to bring in a wise leadership counselor who can help put the elephants on the table and as a neutral party help bring resolution. I have often played this role with elder boards either by Skype or in person. In one case of a deeply dysfunctional leader the elders knew something was wrong but just didn't want to face the hard reality until someone gave them permission to say "this is unacceptable."

One thing to keep in mind is that with dysfunctional leaders, once people have been negatively impacted by them they often refuse to serve in leadership and often migrate out of the church or organization. After all why stay if it means one will be marginalized, not listened too or treated badly. Often those in leadership wake up one day to realize that some of their best people have left because they did not deal with the issues sooner. Ironically, the very people you need to bring the organization back to health are not with you anymore. 

The operative phrase in the title of the blog is that one should not neglect to deal with the dishealth in leadership where and when it exists. Not to do so is to abrogate our oversight or leadership responsibility to the detriment of the ministry. It is hard and needs to be done wisely and with grace and truth. The more unhealthy the leader, the more push back you will get which tells you that they are unwilling to live under Biblical accountability and authority which is a non-negotiable or those of us who serve in leadership. Or that they are unable to see their issues which is a fatal flaw that must be addressed - usually with termination.

Some blogs to consider:

Spiritual narcissism

Ambition, money, power and ministry

Why humility is so important in leaders

Five temptations leaders face

Guarding our humility as leaders

Nine overlooked but unhealthy character issues in leaders

Self Deception

The dangers of arrogance in leadership

The EQ factor in the leadership equation

Enemies of a leader's heart

Five danger zones for leaders that contribute to leadership failure

The art, gift and maturity of graciousness in leadership

Think of the Fruit of the Spirit: Love, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self control. Then think about the critical way in which we often communicate in meetings, personally or worse in email.

I recently saw a communication (email) from a staff member to his supervisor, both had fairly high level roles and thought "Oh My!" I would never send that to my supervisor or for that matter to a staff member who reported to me. It was blunt to the point of being unkind, black and white in its analysis and made assumptions that I suspect were not fair. It was unkind and very inappropriate.

Now we have a  no elephants policy in ReachGlobal where anything can be put on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. That is not a license to be unkind, unfairly critical or to disempower others by our attitudes, words or actions. In fact, the freedom to speak candidly raises the stakes in doing it well if we are going to be heard.

This goes as well to comments we make to others about different leaders and divisions. It is easy to be critical but have we walked in their shoes? Have we talked to them to discover the reasons for why they do certain things? Have we worked with them on potential solutions? 

Good leaders are critical thinkers but not critical people. They are also flexible in their analysis understanding that there are a variety of perspectives and issues that inform any action. I will never put a non critical thinker into a leadership position. Nor will I put a critical person in a leadership position. Leaders who cannot live out the essence of the gifts of the Spirit in their leadership role will never be good spiritual leaders.

The sign of a good leader is the ability to be circumspect in their thinking, communication and relationships. It is the ability to hold an opinion loosely - knowing there may be information you don't know. It is also the ability to speak candidly but without the kind of strong words that elicit reactions that shut down discussion. It is truth spoken with grace.

Great article from the Wall Street Journey on the perils of "Wannabe cool" Christianity.

This article says a lot about many churches today. And it is not the kind of church I seem to read about in the New Testament - contextualization aside. It is well worth a read!

The Perils of "wannabe cool" Christianity

Why dysfunctional leaders often have an advantage over others

Many of my associates agree with me that there seem to be a higher percentage of unhealthy/dysfunctional leaders in the ministry arena than in other leadership arenas. I suspect that there are several reasons for our inability to deal with many of these situations and it goes to a central principle: Many dysfunctional leaders have an advantage over those they lead.

One: How do you question God's "call" for even someone who is dysfunctional? Of course, just because they have a call does not mean we should allow them to accommodate that "call" in our ministry organization or church. But such God talk is a powerful inhibitor to dealing with unhealthy leaders. It amazes me constantly how often boards know that they have a problematic leader on their hands but simply don't deal with it. 

Two: Dysfunctional leaders often don't play fair which leaves the rest of us at a disadvantage. I have seen cases where pastors are at odds with their boards but threaten to take the issues public with the congregation which is a threat to split the church. Most leaders won't go there - they are in a lose/lose situation and the senior leader is not playing fair. 

Three: Dysfunctional leaders are often very strong individuals who need to have their own way and whose strong personality literally intimidates those who might disagree. I call these folks "forces of nature" and most people will back down in the face of that pressure. Wherever you have a pattern of intimidation by a senior leader in order to get their way it needs to be dealt with because it is not fair play.

Four: Dysfunctional leaders are often very good at talking and debating. Most of the population is not leaving them at a huge disadvantage in trying to have a conversation when there are differences of opinion. Monopolizing the conversation is a means of retaining control of the agenda and the outcome.

Five: Dysfunctional leaders often use the "I know what the ministry needs" language which suggests that those around him/her have lesser ability to discern what is good and right. This is why God designed church leadership as a team, not an individual. 

These five tendencies give dysfunctional leaders an advantage over others whether other staff or boards. Unless they are called on it! And they should be. Don't let this kind of behavior in ministry leadership go unchallenged. It is unhealthy, about the leader, and will lead to unhealthy consequences.