The unlikely gift of pain

I experienced my first real failure at age 28. My dreams were broken, the vision for my life in shambles, I had resigned from my church after four years of deep pain, had no idea what I would do next and was suffering from clinical depression. What I did not know then was that my “failure” would be used by God to mold, direct, soften and sharpen, and forge things in my heart that could not be forged except through pain.

It was not a fair suffering by any stretch of the imagination. One of the lessons I have learned over the years is that “fair” is not God’s greatest concern for our lives. His greater concern is that we become what He wants us to be for the sake of what He wants us to do. Life was not fair for Moses, Joseph, Paul, Jesus, David, Esther, or most of the great characters of Scripture.

In every case there was a testing of the soul, a forging of character, a decision that had to be made whether to trust in the midst of suffering and the learning that can only take place through pain. As a focusing agent, nothing does it like pain – regardless of the source of that pain. As a young leader I did not know the cost of leadership in terms of suffering and pain. As an older leader I realize that the lessons learned in suffering and pain would not have been learned in any other way. Suffering is both the cost of leadership and a prerequisite of becoming a leader of deep influence. There is no other way.

As I survey my life over the past thirty years I can trace all the major themes of my life to periods of deep pain. It was in those times that God most forged character, faith, heart, soul and mind. I would not willingly choose to repeat those periods of pain but I would also not trade them for anything. Without the pain I would not be who I am today. As one who wants to have deep influence I can say with honesty: “Thank you God for the pain I have endured. You used it to make me who I am.”

A sage of the faith once wrote, “God cannot use a man greatly until He has first hurt him deeply.” This is not a statement about God’s character but about what it takes to mold our character. A reflection on the great men and women of Scripture reveal periods of great pain and brokenness which made them who they were. One of the prices of developing great influence is the presence of suffering in our lives.

Peter, speaking to those who were suffering because of their faith put suffering into an eternal perspective. “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1:6-7).

Peter is clear that suffering is not a random event but is intimately connected to what God wants to do in our lives – to refine our faith and make us the kind of people who are genuine and authentic which results in praise, glory and honor to God.” There is an authenticity to the faith of those who have gone through deep waters and rather than abdicate to bitterness and a diminished life, follow even harder after God, trusting Him when it makes no sense to trust and learning his sufficiency in their pain.

Paul, understood the deep connection between understanding Jesus and suffering. “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead” (Philippians 3:10-11).

To know Jesus is first to understand what it means to be “a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering” (Isaiah 53:3). While health, wealth and prosperity are proclaimed today as God’s will for all of His people, Scripture says that those who suffer share in the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings and the writer of Hebrews encourages us with the truth that “Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him” (Hebrews 5:8-9). If the very Son of God was molded by suffering how can any of His followers not assume that they too will be molded by the same?

Think about this. Without the dark nights of the soul, David would never have been able to write the Psalms, the place all of us turn when we suffer our dark nights of the soul. Without his wilderness experience, Moses would never have become God’s most humble leader with whom he spoke face to face. Without Abraham’s willingness to follow God not knowing how it would turn out he would never have become the paradigm of faith for all the generations after him. Without suffering, the messiah would not have become the bearer of our sin!

When all is said and done, God is more concerned about the refining of our faith and lives than He is for our comfort and ease. The picture that Peter uses of faith “refined by fire” is the picture of the heating of metals in the forge so that the dross floats to the surface and can be scraped off to be thrown out – leaving something pure and beautiful behind. Pain and suffering do for our hearts what the fire does for precious metals like gold. There is no other way to purity metal and there is no other way to purify and mold our hearts.

When I packed my truck on a September day to leave my pastorate, I had no money, no job to go to and no hope. I was devastated, sad, tired, depressed and had a lot of questions for God for which I was receiving no answers. My name and reputation were being trashed, lies were being told and I could not answer back but had to leave my reputation with God. At that moment I was in survival mode unable to see beyond the pain – and there was nothing at that time to see! It was a simple hanging on to God and that is all. There was no great faith, no assumption of what He would do. I was just trying to survive my faith.

I now have the perspective of 30 years to look back on those painful days. It was through that pain that my theology of grace became a lifestyle of grace where I no longer needed to prove myself to God or others. It was because of those circumstances that I ended up at the national office of the EFCA, something I had no desire or intention to ever do. It was through my dark night of the soul that I started to consult with church boards and staff on healthy leaders, intentional leadership and empowered structures which in turn birthed two books, High Impact Church Boards, Leading From the Sandbox and two others.

Through the tough days I learned that God would be faithful if I would just trust Him. I let go of my need for “justice” (sometimes vengeance) and left that issue with Him. My depression led me to counseling and medication which in turn gave me great empathy for those who suffer from emotional pain on a regular basis. Slowly over time, the pain gave way to mercy, grace and a spiritual perspective and memories that once tied my stomach in knots for days became merely parts of my biography that informed who I was today. Over time, the perspective of my pain turned from that of hopelessness and suffering to one of God’s gracious grace in my life that forged a more perfect me – the me God designed me to be.

Choosing to live generously

One of the outstanding characteristics of Christ followers is that of generosity. It is what stood out in the early church and it is the thing that often surprises non-Christ followers today and gets their attention.

What is generous living? It is a willingness to share what we have with those around us, to meet needs that we can meet and seeing our resources as belonging to God and not to us. It is also a culture that can be encouraged in our congregations.

Mary Ann and I, for example, for years have chosen to rarely sell possessions that we no longer need but to give them away. Our vehicles are available to others who may need them. Our giving includes individuals who are in need that God has laid on our hearts to help. Our frequent flyer miles often go to others who need tickets. All of us have different opportunities and abilities to be generous but all of us can be generous. It is a matter of our mindset and seeing whatever God has given us as His to use on His behalf.

Generosity does not just apply to our goods. It applies to our time! Paul calls it "being rich in good deeds" (1 Timothy 6:18). A meal to those who need it, praying for those who are hurting, a visit to someone in the hospital or retirement home, a word of encouragement. Everyone can be rich in good deeds. Each of us has certain skills that can be generously shared with others.

This is all about living with open hands and open hearts. Like God, when He sent His Son. Like Jesus in the incarnation. Isn't it interesting that Jesus gave His very life for us and we often hang on to our stuff and live selfishly rather than generously.

Paul told Timothy to "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life" (1 Timothy 6:17-19).

Deconstructing the American church

We often do not realize how much the church in the United States is driven by the culture of our nation rather than by the culture of God's Kingdom. Let me share some examples!

Success
For many church leaders success is defined in the American church by numbers of people, size of budgets, wonderful facilities, large staff and excellent programming. All of those are societal definitions of success rather than New Testament definitions of success which are about God's people actually looking like Jesus and non believers crossing the line to belief. Within my own denomination there are pastors who are driven to have their congregations hit a thousand so that they can become a part of the "K club." Does Jesus value the large church over the small church? Does church size in itself have anything to do with success?

Transformation of lives where we understand and live out grace, where we think like Jesus, prioritize our lives around His priorities and see people and love people as Jesus sees them and loves them is a Kingdom definition of success. Size is not - except in our culture!

Consumerism
It is what drives our nation and often it is what drives our ministries. We are used to being served when we are called to serve. We are used to being comfortable when we are called to the often uncomfortable life of a pilgrim. 

We are used to being entertained and pity the pastor who cannot do so. So much of our nation is about me and we rather than about what I can do to serve others, serve God and enhance His Kingdom. Just as the quarterly reports drive our consumer society so our numbers and whatever we need to do to enhance them drive many ministries. Most church growth is simply the reshuffling of believers from one venue to a better venue - until an even better one comes along.

Consumers expect to be made comfortable, get what they paid for, be served and entertained. Think about Jesus and His expectations and life. It was not a consumer mentality but a God oriented mentality committed to the concerns of His Father and not even of Himself (notwithstanding that He was God). Yet we often feed the consumer side of the church!

Competition
I spoke to a pastor recently about why they had made changes in their ministry. He candidly admitted that he did so because another large church in the area had planted an venue in his neighborhood and they needed to differentiate themselves. We compete in all areas of life in our nation and it is usually no different in the church. Cooperation, a sign of unity, is of far less value to us regardless of the High Priestly Prayer of Jesus for the same (John 17) then winning - being better.

I could go on and I don't have all the answers. What I do believe is that we need to deconstruct the American church and reconstruct it on New Testament and Kingdom values: The making of disciples, calling people to a life of followership, serving others, caring deeply for the lost, loving on our communities, using our gifts for His purposes, a true stewardship of our resources, time, energy and abilities and lives that actually look like that of Jesus.

All of us live in a society that has its own set of values. Jesus made it clear that His Kingdom has a different set of values - hence for instance, The Sermon on the Mount. Discerning leaders are clear as to which values belong in His church and in our lives. The ability to discern the difference between the two sets of values is a critical skill of church leaders.

What metrics do you use to determine success in your church?

The definition of metrics as a means of understanding how we are doing in local church ministry is one that is gaining far more prominence. How do we know if we are doing well? How do we catch areas that are sliding? Of course that presupposes that we desire to honestly evaluate our ministries as a means of sharpening our focus and our success.

One of the keys to using metrics is to measure all that you can (the more information you have the more you will understand) and then to determine what the key non-negotiable areas of measurement should be. Our metrics, however should be driven by a New Testament definition of success rather than a cultural definition of success.

Think about these areas in your congregation, take a stab at answering them and ask whether these "indicators" or metrics would be worthwhile evaluating on an annual basis. All of these go to the health of one's church. They are not listed in any particular order.

• What is our numerical growth or decline annually?


• What is our conversion growth annually?


• Do we have an identifiable disciplemaking pathway to bring people to spiritual maturity?


• Do we have clear statements regarding our mission, our guiding principles, central ministry focus and culture?


• Do these clear statements actually impact how we do ministry?


• What is the giving per attendee per year?


• What portion of the budget is allocated for outreach or missions?


• Do we have a clear leadership coaching/training paradigm for future church leaders?


• What percentage of our adults are in small groups?


• What focus do we have as a church on Kingdom Ministries - ministries focused on our community or region?


• What focus do we have as a church on ministry "to the least of these?"


• How many individuals has our church sent into full time ministry?


• What is our annual attrition rate (people leaving the church)


• Do our governance systems hinder or facilitate the making of timely ministry decisions?


• Do board and staff have a clear definition of what role each plays?


• Do staff members operate with annual ministry plans?


• Are Elders/Leaders clear or unclear on their Biblical function and role? It that role written down?


• Is there an emphasis on spiritual transformation and a plan for how your congregation seeks to help people see personal transformation?

• Are we seeing genuine spiritual transformation taking place among our people and leaders?


• Is there an annual intentional ministry plan being driven by staff and leaders?


• What significant ministry innovation has taken place in the past 24 months?


• Is there an intentional plan to develop greater diversity within the congregation. How many ethnic groups are represented in a sizable way? What are they?


• How many of your pastors have a mentor and how many are mentoring other pastors?


• Is there a high, medium, low or non-existent level of alignment among ministries of the church?


• In what ministries is the church finding its greatest opportunity for spiritual growth, kingdom impact or evangelism?


• Does the church have an intentional process for choosing leaders based on needs and qualifications?


• Does the board operate with a board covenant outlining commitments to one another and acceptable board behavior?


• What percentage of the church participates in local, national or international short term ministries each year?


• What percentage of the congregation's ministries are focused on disciplemaking and what percentage on evangelism?


• What percentage of the congregation are using their gifts in meaningful ways inside or outside the church?


• Is the Gospel held up as the central most important element in the life of the church?


• Could the majority of your people articulate the great truths of the faith?

What questions would you add?

The courage to have a direct conversation

It takes courage to have a direct and candid conversation with someone that we have a difference with. Too often, rather than speaking directly we speak to others hoping that they will influence or set straight those we have an issue with. It does not work! Rather it creates even more misunderstanding and chaos than if we had simply sat down to dialogue with the other individual.

If I have an issue with another individual it is my responsibility to deal directly with them, or they with me. Avoidance creates more distance and asking others to deal with it for us is a lack of courage. Hoping the issue will just go away is wishful thinking. It is a Matthew 18 thing!

I spoke to a pastor today who had been dealing with a number of elders who were at odds with him. He had avoided direct discussion of the issues for a number of years hoping that he could build the bridges necessary for resolution. It did not work. When he finally addressed the individuals directly they decided that they no longer wanted to serve in church leadership and for the first time in many years he has a unified and aligned group of leaders. Everything changed, but not before he had the courage to have a direct conversation and address the real issues.

We can run from a barking dog, hide from a barking dog or walk toward a barking dog. Today I do the last! I may not get agreement or resolution (the ideal) but at least I will get clarity and have done my part to deal with the relational disconnect. What I will not do is ignore the issues, hide from them or hope someone else will solve them for me. 

Jesus was always direct. He spoke with grace and truth but he did not dodge issues that were in front of Him. Neither should we.  Is there someone you need to have a conversation with?

Two phrases we ought to use more often

The first is "thank you." All of us have much to be thankful for from those around us whether family, friends, colleagues or staff. It is easy to fall into complacency and forget to thank them for what they do. This is especially true with staff who work hard. We ought to thank them often and specifically. Not to do so is to take them for granted: think of the hole they would leave if they were not there!

The second is "I am sorry." Or, "I blew it." When we blow it we ought to have the honesty and courage to admit it. That simple admission says a lot to those around us. It tells them that we care about them, that we have a measure of humility and that we understand our own humanity.

Both phrases say something about us: We care about others and we are other focused rather than us focused. There is the building of humility in both. 

Powerful phrases. Use them often.

An interesting and challenging job of staff

One of the jobs of staff is to keep their leader out of trouble: From making poor decisions, driving down the wrong road or ignoring warning signs that they need to be aware of. It is not always an easy job depending on one's leader but it is important because bad decisions by our leader carry consequences for the organization, its staff and its mission.

Some leaders (the healthy ones) both welcome and expect candid feedback and counsel. They are under no illusions that they are always right and seek the widest counsel possible. Other leaders frankly are not very open and it is a more delicate matter.

I have worked for both kinds of leaders. For those that are sensitive about counsel or feedback, one needs to think through an approach that will be most likely to be heard. All of us respond in different ways and I am sure my own staff think through how they can best address issues with me. That is not a bad thing, it is a wise thing.

It is easy for staff who see a potential train wreck coming to keep their heads down and their mouths shut but this is a shirking of responsibility - with the exception of highly narcissistic leaders for whom no feedback is productive. Whether our leader takes our advice or counsel is not our responsibility - sharing our concerns is because the health of the organization is at stake.

And if we are leaders we ought to invite such feedback and counsel. We decide how easy it is for our staff to engage us. And that is a measure of our own EQ and humility.