How are you perceived?

From time to time I conduct staff audits to determine the health of the staff and leadership of an organization. Some years ago a board hired me to figure out why the staff was experiencing conflict and a low level of morale. One of the findings was that the perceptions of the senior leader's management were fairly bad. They liked the individual personally but his leadership left a lot to be desired and caused a lot of issues.

When I shared this feedback with the senior leader, he said, "You won't tell the staff what you found will you?" After a moment to collect my astonishment I said, "Where do you think I got the information?" He then said, "What they said is not true of me." My response was, "It may well be that their perceptions are wrong but it is their reality, it is a common reality among the staff and if you are going to change their perceptions you really need to modify your leadership practices."

The board had done this leader a great favor in conducting staff interviews as he found out what most leaders never do - how they are perceived by those who work for them. Often such feedback comes as a surprise to us because we don't see ourselves the way others see us. At times, people attribute poor motives to us that we know not to be true. At other times staff is not aware of circumstances that lead us to certain decisions. But, perceptions - right or wrong - are the reality of how others see us and our leadership. So we are left with two versions of our leadership: What we believe it to be and what others perceive it to be. And sometimes these are worlds apart from one another.

Wise leaders want to know what the perceptions of their staff are. They want to know what they don't know. This requires them to find a few trusted individuals who are willing to share with them how they come across along with the positives and negatives of their leadership style - from a staff perspective.

But remember: No one will tell you these things unless you directly ask and provide a safe environment for them to share their perspectives. Here are some of the kinds of questions we can ask those who work for us.

• Are there things I do that you wish I would do differently?
• If you could change one thing about my leadership style, what would it be?
• What are the strongest leadership qualities you believe that I have and what are the weakest?
• Is there anything I do that irritates you? Or that you feel is not respectful?

You will be surprised what you may learn from these questions. They are worth asking because our perception of reality can be very different than the perception of others. And there are usually simple ways that we can change our behaviors to address the negative perceptions of others.

Three ways that organizational conflict can be a help rather than a hinderance

Typically, we think of conflict as a negative event when it occurs. The truth, however, is that conflict is often a blessing in disguise and being aware of its potential up side can help us leverage it in productive ways. Consider these up sides of conflict.

One: Conflict is often an early warning system that the organizational system needs revamping
Organizations don't just grow, they change. Their environments change, their needs change and the organizational structure that worked at one time no longer works as it did. The reason is simple: What got you to here got you to here. It will not get you to there.

When the old way of doing things has run its course and is no longer working, conflict often occurs. There may be disagreements on strategy, tension between leaders or teams, frustration with work flow and substandard results. All of these, and other manifestations of conflict are warning you that it is time to relook at how you are doing things and what you are doing. In this case, conflict is warning you that things need to change! If you don't ignore the warning sign it can help you move forward. If you ignore it, the conflict will become worse.

Two, conflict may be telling you that greater clarity is needed
When there is not organizational clarity, leaders, teams or individuals step in and provide their own clarity. Inevitably this will result in conflict as competing ideas of who we are and what we are about collide with one another. In this case, the conflict is telling you that you need to clarify your clarity so that alignment is possible and everyone is working toward the same goals.

Ironically, the process of refining your clarity may bring greater conflict as ideas and people vie for their definition. This is good as it is in the clash of ideas that the best ideas are born. But until you come to agreement on who you are and what you are about you will never get alignment and without alignment you will never reach your organizational potential. In this case the conflict is telling you that you don't have adequate alignment and agreement.

Three: Conflict may be telling you that there are individuals who are not operating from a place of healthy EQ (Emotional Intelligence)
Healthy EQ is essential for healthy organizations. People who have unhealthy EQ can be defensive, closed to feedback, create conflict with those around them and are often responsible for relational issues with those around them. When there is a pattern of relational conflict around an individual you are probably dealing with an EQ issues that needs to be resolved.

It is easy to overlook these situations out of fear of conflict. Yet their behaviors are creating conflict already and disempowering those who are impacted by their relational issues. Not to deal with this is to sentence those in proximity to the effects of their behavior. 

When conflict pops up in your organization don't assume it is a bad thing. It is probably telling you something and understanding what it is saying can be valuable to your ongoing success. 

Learning trumps blame in organizational conflict

We are wired, it seems, to assign blame when something has gone wrong, there is conflict in the workplace, or groups are not getting along with one another. After all, someone is responsible and must take the blame!

Not so fast. I would ask two questions.

Question One: Are there alternative explanations for what has gone wrong or the conflict we are experiencing? In most cases, the answer is yes. Conflict can arise from many organizational issues: unclear job descriptions and overlap of responsibilities, the wiring of the people involved; organizational systems that create conflict, attitudes of individuals or groups, practices of the organization, and I could go on. 

Blame is easy and often wrong.

Too often, we immediately assign poor motives to those we are unhappy with. In most cases, motives are not the issue. We are also prone to demonize those we feel are responsible (in our minds) for the conflict. This is a dangerous practice as it simply divides further and reinforces our belief that we are right and others are wrong.

In most cases when there is organizational conflict, there are reasons for that conflict that lie in the structure of the organization, its processes, or a lack of organizational clarity. Before we play the blame game -  which is inherently counterproductive, ask yourself if there are alternate explanations for the conflict you are experiencing.

Question two: Are we more interested in assigning blame or in learning from the situation we find ourselves in? Blame is easy. It absolves us and points the finger at someone else. We don't need to do any hard analysis or work, and it is not about us. In fact, blame is so easy that it prevents us from finding the real source of the conflict we are experiencing and, therefore, perpetuates the conflict.

We can blame, or we can learn. Blame perpetuates the status quo while learning makes us better. I recommend a culture that practices autopsy without blame when something goes south. We want to know the source of the problem or failure, but we want to learn from it, not assign blame to someone.

This kind of attitude creates a culture of nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide. We are about getting better. Not protecting ourselves, not trying to prove anything or hide anything. It is a posture of humility rather than pride. Of learning rather than blame. 

In my consulting, I have rarely encountered people who were bad people or who had bad motives. I have encountered people who needed to learn and develop, who were in the wrong seat for their wiring, and have seen many organizational issues, all of which can create conflict. Sometimes, hard things need to be said or done, but with the right attitude, we can learn, develop, and appreciate one another. 

Leaders and the affirmation of staff

Leaders often forget that one of the greatest gifts they can give their staff is affirmation and appreciation. So simple and yet often overlooked. Genuine affirmation for work well done is one of the highest motivators for staff and engenders significant loyalty. They know they matter! 

If you have staff who report to you, remember this:

They make you look good and make your work possible. You could not do it without them. Thank them often.

They could be working for someone else. All employees today are volunteers in that they can choose who they work for. That they are willing to put up with you is a blessing. Affirm them.

They don't have the perks you probably do and don't make what you make. So, don't take them for granted. They probably care as much about their work as you do yours. Maybe more. Make sure they know that their work is noticed and appreciated.

Taking a few moments to single them out, focus on them and thank them goes a long way. They know you noticed. They know they are appreciated and valued. They know they are not invisible to you.

Never underestimate the power of simple words of affirmation. Your staff will remember them for a long time. That goes for the janitor, the mail delivery individual, the front office phone operator and those higher staff members. 

Words matter!

It is not surprising that the perpetuator of the synagogue massacre had posted hate speech on a popular web site for those who want to express hateful views. Freedom of expression being one of the hallmarks of our constitution, it is a price we pay for our liberties. It protects the rights of all of us to speak our minds sad as some of those views may be.

There is, however, a higher responsibility for those in elected positions to be circumspect with their words toward members of the opposite party. Public figures have the ability and power to set the tone of public discourse. The civility of our national discourse is directly related to our maturity as a people and nation. By that standard we don't have much to be proud of today. Words matter!

We may be proud to protect the speech of all. But can we also be proud of what is being said? Or by the civil discourse of our elected leaders? 

When we dehumanize others with our words we lay the groundwork for other dehumanization. Words matter! It is why we teach our children to be kind with their words. Most efforts to rob others of their rights begin with words. Dehumanizing words are not neutral. Words can build up or they can tear down. Words can protect or they can incite violence. Words matter!

Let it not be lost on us that the pogroms of recent history started with words and ended with violence. The veneer of civilization is very thin. Words matter!

I like many have very significant differences with others politically. I feel strongly about many of those differences. But I will not dehumanize those who disagree with my views. Nor do I want those that I help elect to dehumanize those who disagree with their views. A nation that cannot be civil in its disagreements is no longer a civil society. Words do matter!

Two key reasons for confict within organizations

Think about these equations:

Healthy people + wrong role = conflict

Unhealthy people + wrong role = conflict

Unhealthy people + right role = conflict

Healthy people + right role = effectiveness

These equations illustrate three truths. First, it explains why conflict is so prevalent within organizations. Second, it illustrates the importance of hiring healthy individuals who have good EQ and understand how to relate to others in healthy ways. Third, it reminds us that even healthy people when they are in the wrong role can create conflict with people around them.

The keys to avoiding conflict are having healthy individuals in a role that is consistent with their wiring. When this is compromised, conflict is likely to result.

Unhealthy individuals, especially in leadership roles create conflict regularly. It can be a result of poor or non-existent people skills, inability to resolve differences or conflict, poor self awareness, hubris and a quest for power or any number of EQ (Emotional Intelligence) issues that leaves a wake of relational issues behind them.

When hiring, pay close attention to EQ skills and deficits. If you miss something and find that an individual leaves relational issues in their wake, get them coaching and if that does not work, move them to a position where they will not cause conflict. Don't allow an individual to create ongoing issues within your organization. It is counter productive, will hurt your return on mission and is unfair to staff who are impacted.

What about conflict with healthy individuals who are cast in the wrong role? This is conflict based in the skill set of the individual and not in their Emotional Intelligence. For instance, you can have a leader who does not know how to delegate, who micromanages, who changes their minds on a regular basis, who has no definable strategy and we could go on. This is not because they are unhealthy people. It is because they are in a job that is inconsistent with their wiring.

Getting the right people into the right role is absolutely critical to building a healthy organization. If you need to make adjustments for this to happen - do it. The alternative of conflict is a trade off you don't want to make.

Overestimating our skill and underestimating our weaknesses

It should not be a surprise that we are often prone to overestimate our skill and underestimate our weaknesses. This can have the affect of trusting our instincts too much in the first instance and not understanding how our weaknesses impact others in the second. 

Take for instance, an individual who is good at strategy. Because they have skill in determining strategy they can downplay the input of others, trusting their own analysis and conclusions. Yet, no one has the ability to think of all the consequences of any strategy or anticipate all the variables that can impact its success. Thus by not listening to others this leader is hurting the organization in their overconfidence in their own abilities. Their good ideas can fail because they overestimated their skill. 

It is not unusual for highly skilled individuals to fail to bring others into the conversation - a weakness born out of confidence and a perceived lack of need of others. In their overconfidence they also underestimate the impact of not listening to those around them. Few things are more demotivating than to give helpful and valid input to a plan and to have their leader either ignore it or dismiss it as irrelevant. 

In both cases the organization is served poorly - as well as people in the process. 

Pride plays a role in this equation. We like to think the best of ourselves and our abilities but we should also be realistic. Healthy individuals with good EQ understand their strengths and weaknesses as well as the shadow side of both. That awareness allows them to compensate for their weaknesses and ensure that they don't over rely on their strengths. In fact, that is a pretty good definition of a humble individual. They have a realistic view of themselves. 

How do we avoid these tendencies? One is to be aware of them and to ensure that we involve and listen to others. The second key is to solicit feedback from those we really trust. Feedback from others is an absolute essential part of growing our EQ as there are things we don't see about ourselves and never will unless others point them out. In order to hear feedback, however, we need to overcome our natural defensiveness. 

Often we are afraid that soliciting feedback is a sign of weakness. It is actually a sign of strength. We have the desire and courage to receive feedback. Only strong people do that.