Grey thinking

A secret of wise individuals and leaders is the ability to evaluate all sides of a potential decision, listen carefully to those who are part of the decision or will be impacted by it while keeping all options open until the decision must be made.

This is called thinking grey.

All key decisions have consequences, some of them unintentional. The better one understands the consequences and can smoke out the unintended consequences the better. That takes time and time is the ally of all good decisions. The faster we make key decisions the greater the risk of a significant downside.

Leaders who practice grey thinking are upfront with others who should have input that they are mulling on a certain course of action but that they have not made a decision. They invite input without making premature commitments regarding their ultimate course of action. And, they are willing when they are processing but have not come to a decision to say, "I am thinking grey on that." 

Some leaders are unable to say those words, thinking that they always need to have an answer. Good leaders willingly admit that they may not have an answer but in telling staff that they are thinking grey they invite conversation and dialogue until a decision has been made.

Finally, good leaders don't make a decision until they need to. The longer one can put off a decision without hurting the organization, the more time one has to get clarity on the issues and clarity allows one to make better decisions. Many decisions made by leaders would have been better made or better executed if they had taken more time to think grey before pulling the trigger.

All good supervision is relational

It is a simple concept but one that is often forgotten: All good supervision is relational. 

Too often, we make supervision a mechanical matter - developing systems (not bad in itself), reports (nothing wrong with them) and accountability systems (always a good idea). But, it is easy to forget that in the end, a supervisor's influence with the staff they are responsible for comes down to relationship. The better the relationship the more effective the supervision.

Staff don't want to be treated mechanically but as individual people. Some say one should treat everyone the same. That is foolish: people are different and needed to be treated differently. Over the years I have supervised many wonderful individuals who are just that - individuals whose needs, situations and wiring were all different. My time and relationship with each was different because they were different. In addition, how much face time each needed with TJ were different.

Relationship means that a good supervisor talks face to face both formally and informally with staff. We care about our staff as individuals and know something about their work, their family and their lives. We ask questions about them, not just about their work. We manage by walking around and interacting. And when we meet formally we have a dialogue rather than a monologue.

The better the relationship with those we supervise, the more our influence because the best supervision is deeply relational. Relationships build trust and understanding, building blocks to developing engaged staff. 

The difference between defensiveness and defending your position

I am a big fan of good EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and one of the hallmarks of good EQ is the ability to be non-defensive when challenged. A non-defensive posture is one where we can listen to the push back of others without our emotions getting in the way (anger, anxiety), listen with respect and have a productive dialogue.

But non-defensiveness does not mean that we do not defend our position on a matter. In fact, people with good EQ are self-defined. They know what they think and are able to state their position clearly, even with those who might disagree.

This raises an interesting issue. I often hear people say about others, "They would not listen to me," or "they were defensive." What they are usually saying is "They did not agree with me." Those are not the same thing. I can non-defensively listen to another position while still holding my own and defending it. If I listen to you carefully and don't get hijacked by my emotions, I can do it non-defensively and still defend my particular position. Because I did not agree with the other party does not mean that I did not listen or became defensive. It simply means that I hold a different view and did not change my mind to agree with them.

In fact, a sign of poor EQ is the expectation that because I believe something that others need to agree with me. Often that will not be the case and it is why collaborative decision making is both characterized by robust dialogue and better decisions. Each of us can bring the best to the table.

Don't be afraid to defend your position while being open to modifying it if there is good reason to. And don't assume that people didn't listen to others or were defensive just because they did not agree. 

Helping others become all that they can be

One of the fallacies of spiritual formation and spiritual mentoring is that if we can convince individuals to follow a specific set of disciplines that they will become everything God wants them to be. This thinking ignores a number of core principles:

It ignores the fact that each one of us is absolutely unique. As unique individuals we relate to God individually and differently, we learn and grow differently, and we are at different places in our spiritual lives so no one program or set of disciplines or formula is going to help everyone grow spiritually. In Ephesians 2:9-10, Paul calls us God's workmanship or literally, God's work of art - each unique, each special, each a creation of God.

Growing up in Asia I had my own personal "chop." It is my name in Chinese engraved by hand in a piece of soap stone. The cool thing about chops is that each one is unique and even though some of the Chinese characters may be the same, since they are carved by hand, no one is the same. That is true for each of our personalities, God given wiring, the place we are spiritually and the next place we need to go in our relationship with Christ.

This has implications for those of us who preach! We can give people specific instructions as to how they should relate to God or we can give Biblical principles and encourage people to apply them to their lives in ways that work for them.

For years my dad rose at 4:00am in the morning for his devotions. That is great but it does not work for everyone! Some love to journal (I do) but for many it never really works and is a chore, not a pleasure. Some can spend long periods in prayer, others cannot and when they try they end up discouraged and feeling guilty.

But even these practices miss an important part of spiritual formation. It is possible to do all the things one is supposed to do and still not live a transformed life. Practices by themselves do not translate into transformation.

I remember an elder in a church I pastored who was as legalistic as anyone about the Christian life yet he left his wife because she didn't make him happy?  He had the practices down (and was ready to impose those practices on others) but his heart was untransformed and hard. Nor would he listen to those who tried to reason with him. All of us have stories like that.

Transformation means that we are regularly becoming more like Jesus in our relationships, our intellect, our experiences, the desires of our hearts, in the shedding of those elements of our lower nature and the embracing of the fruit of the spirit.

Helping people get to transformation is the key to spiritual formation or mentoring. The place to start is where people are and not where we think they should be. I am always amazed at how impatient we can be with people - and how patient God is with us.

One way to find out where people are at is to explore the areas of difficulty or unhappiness in their lives which is often an indication of where they are "itching" and looking for solutions. The Holy Spirit has a gracious way of getting our attention through difficulty and unhappiness.

I think for instance of the many couples who are struggling with their finances today and looking for solutions. Helping them understand Biblical principles for finances is obviously a part of spiritual transformation and it is the place where they are looking for solutions today. So that is a great place to start and as they see God's transformation in their financial life they become open to His transformation in other areas of life. We start where people are open, and looking for solutions. That is exactly what Jesus did with the people he came into contact with.

I think that one of the barriers in spiritual growth is that we often believe that those teaching us, mentoring us or preaching to us want us to become a version of them. It is easy to extrapolate that since we are "mature" that others will be mature when they look like "us."

The truth is that God wants us to look like the best version of us that we can be through the transformation of our hearts and lives - not like someone else. God made us unique. Now he wants to infuse our uniqueness with His Spirit and make us supernaturally unique. A better, supernaturally changed version of who He already made us to be. That is the end goal of transformation because it infuses our uniqueness with His Spirit, character, mind, and passions. We become like Him but remain like us as the "work of art" he created us to be.

The armed services says, "Become all that you can be!" Jesus says, "become all that I made you to be." That is our challenge to others as we help them to grow spiritually.

Transformation of hearts: Is it the kind you really desire?

The secular culture of the developed world - including the United States is increasingly moving toward a secular evangelicalism. By that I mean an evangelical lifestyle that embraces the secular culture in which we live because it has been deeply influenced by its culture far more than it has and is being influenced by its Lord and His word.

Rather than God being the transformer of hearts it is often our culture that is the transformer of hearts. What we must remember is that heart transformation is always taking place. The question is what the source of that transformation is: the culture in which we live or the God we claim to follow.

Think with me about the marks of a secular world view compared to the marks of a Christian world view and as you do so, think about the Christ followers in your congregation.

Money: The secular world view sees our resources as ours to do with as we please while the Christian world view sees ourselves as stewards of God's resources to use for His purposes.

Time: The secular world view sees time as mine to do with as I please. The Christian world view sees time as God's and puts His interests before my interests.

Options: The secular world view sees life as picking and choosing between any number of almost unlimited options that will bring one happiness. The Christian world view asks the question: What did God place me on earth for and what priorities does God have for my life? And then focuses on those things that God has called us to do.

Truth: The secular world view sees truth as relative. This is convenient because it allow me to determine what is truly true or not. The Christian world view sees God as the arbiter of truth, believes His word is actually true and does not negotiate truth to fit my convenience.

Sufficiency: The secular world view believes we are self sufficient, able to determine our own destiny and therefore does not need a God to guide our lives. A Christian world view sees God as the only sufficient One and that faith and followership are the only way to live life.

Now stop for a moment and consider just those five marks of secular culture as apposed to a Christian world view. As I look at the western church today, I would argue that we are far closer to a secular world view than we are to a Christian world view. Hearts are being transformed but by the wrong source.

The sad thing is that most Christ followers in the west don't even understand that they have a world view or that there is a Christian world view. They are not being challenged to see life from God's perspective rather from culture's perspective. They would be amazed if they understood how closely their life views reflected their secular culture rather than God's world view and His culture.

Culture is a powerful force. It is only as Christian leaders - and pastors - challenge people to understand God's culture and then live that culture out by swimming against the tide of secular culture that we will see any change.

There is much talk today about transformation. What we need to understand is that transformation is taking place, but not the transformation want to see take place. But until we help people understand what a Christian world view looks like and live out a radically different lifestyle based on that worldview we will continue to drift further into a secular evangelicalism. Soon it is no longer evangelical but why mix facts with reality.

12 questions to measure the engagement of your staff from the Gallup organization

In my work with organizations, a common theme is that staff often don't feel that their organization or supervisors genuinely care about them, their work or their development. Yet the happiness of our staff is critical to the success of an organization. The Gallup organization has identified twelve critical questions that measure the engagement of staff. They also give supervisors an outline of things they need to be paying attention to. Here they are:

• Do you know what is expected of you at work?
• Do you have the materials and equipment you need to do your work right?
• At work, do you have the opportunity to do what you do best every day?
• In the last seven days, have you received recognition or praise for doing good work?
• Does your supervisor, or someone at work, seem to care about you as a person?
• Is there someone at work who encourages your development?
• At work, do your opinions seem to count?
• Does the purpose of your organisation make you feel your job is important?
• Are your colleagues committed to doing quality work?
• Do you have a best friend at work?
• In the last six months, has someone at work talked to you about your progress?
• In the last year, have you had opportunities at work to learn and grow?

Source: Gallup's 12 questions taken from 'Elements of great managing' by Rodd Wagner and James Harter (Gallup 2006)

Controlling our reactions, thinking grey and quiet resolve

Do you have anyone who really pushes your buttons? Someone who you don't really understand and who manages to irritate you mightily at times?

It is a common situation. It is also common to respond by being "reactive," that is, with emotion, either to them, often to others and to make assumptions about their intentions and motives. It is also easy to shoot off emails that we might want to take back when we find out that our assumptions were not accurate.

Some people will actually seek to cause reaction on your part by their actions.

While all of us are "reactive" from time to time, generally it is not a good sign of emotional intelligence and we should learn how to not react, not allow our blood pressure to go up and not to become angry because when we do we usually respond in ways that are not helpful or healthy.

When I hear about someones actions or words or attitudes that might have caused me to react in years past, my goal now is to "think grey." Thinking grey is listening to the information, soliciting other information without drawing any conclusions as to whether the conclusion others may be drawing is accurate. This is actually one of the secrets of good leaders. They do listen, they do want to know and if something sounds problematic they do want to find out the truth. But in the process, they think grey and refuse to draw hard and fast conclusions until they have enough context and information.

It is a wise thing to do. Sometimes the information is not accurate. Sometimes the information is accurate but the conclusions those around you have drawn are not accurate. Often, motives are misjudged as bad when they are not. The behavior may have been problematic and harmful but rarely are the motives truly destructive. As someone has wisely put it, "Never attribute to poor motives what can easily be attributed to stupidity."

Thinking grey does not mean that we intend to ignore the issue or not confront the individual. It means that we will do so when our information is such that it is reasonable and when circumstances are right.

This brings me to another trait of great leaders. They have quiet resolve. Rarely will they react with anger and often they will think grey. But once they are aware of a problem they display a quiet resolve to deal with it, even if it is an uncomfortable situation to deal with.

I often tell those around me, "do not underestimate my resolve." Anyone who does is in for a surprise because I am committed to a healthy work environment, committed to the guiding principles and core commitments and practices and culture of our organization. Waiting for clarity, or for the right time to address problematic situations or people is not weakness. It is simply wisdom - and quiet resolve.

One other thought. With passive aggressive individuals who cause problems to you or the organization it is often not wise to immediately confront them. They will deny the allegation and play to what you want to hear (passive behavior) while behind your back they display contempt or attempt to undermine you. They will also play the victim to others when confronted. Holding passive aggressive individuals accountable is like trying to get your arms around smoke.

Again, quiet resolve comes into play. You don't ignore but you do wait because passive aggressive people will usually hang themselves if you give them enough rope. You wait and eventually they will do something public enough and egregious enough that those around them see them for what they are and you have the support you need to confront, hold them accountable and be so defining of what behavior is and is not acceptable that they will either conform or leave or you have the ammunition to take action should it happen again.

The ironic thing is that passive aggressive individuals often think they have the upper hand when dealing with leaders with good EQ. The truth is that those leaders are simply waiting for them to show their true stripes at which time they will take decisive action.

Good Emotional Intelligence and wisdom will almost always win out over poor Emotional Intelligence and stupidity. Control your reactions, think grey and commit to a quiet resolve.

For more reading on Emotional Intelligence see Emotional Intelligence Revisited