None of us look forward to hard conversations. In fact, the very thought of them gives some people heartburn. Because of that, they are easy to put off or ignore altogether which often makes the conversation even more necessary. Here are some ways to successfully negotiate such conversations when they are necessary. The one thing you don't want to do is to go into a difficult conversation unprepared.
Before the conversation, clearly define for yourself the issues that you need to address. This includes being ready for push back, objections or questions like "when have I done that?" or "give me examples of ..." A grocery list of issues never works so be sure you can clearly articulate the two or three issues that you need the other party to hear and understand (if they are able to do either or both).
In addition, know what your bottom line is. Are you going to communicate a concern, give an ultimatum, ask them to consider alternatives, terminate their job, ask them to get help? Whatever your bottom line is, be sure you are able to articulate it clearly and not be moved off of it.
Ask whether you need to have someone else in the room to hear what you are going to say. If the individual has a history of skewing what is said, is hostile, or does not handle hard conversations well, you want to have someone else present so that there is accountability for what is actually said.
When you meet, lay out your concerns and your bottom line in a clear and objective manner. Never impugn the motives of another (we don't know them) and keep to factual statements. If you need to use notes to stay on track, do so but don't make them available to the one you are talking to. Having communicated your concerns, clearly articulate your bottom line - what you are asking of them and then ask if they have any questions of clarification on what you have shared.
Here comes the tricky part. Unhealthy individuals will seek to shift the blame or issues to others or to you. They are experts at self justification and finding others who are at fault. If you are dealing with an unhealthy person, expect that they will try to shift the conversation to you or others and justify themselves. They may well express anger and play the victim role - they are the ones who have been abused.
Don't bite by engaging in their attempt to shift the conversation. I remember back to my debating days when in cross examination we were supposed to answer the questions of the other side. Often we would ask them questions back, and if they bit, we could then control the conversation they were supposed to be controlling. Remember, this is your conversation, you called it and you control its agenda. No matter how often they try to shift the conversation keep bringing them back to the concerns and bottom line you shared. Other issues may be worthwhile talking about at another time but this is your conversation and you want to keep it on task.
There is no need to prolong the conversation once you know that the other party has heard your concerns and your bottom line. At this point it is important to have a follow up plan. When do you meet again and what do you want from them when you next meet. Be specific and then close the conversation. It may be awkward but you will have accomplished what you need to accomplish and the other party needs time to think and respond.
If you know you need to have such a conversation but fear is keeping you back, find a trusted colleague who can help you walk through the process.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
All of life is sacred
The Ten Commandments can be summed up with one phrase: All of lie is sacred - or all of life is holy. There is no sacred/secular divide in life because we were made in God's image and God is not divisible between sacred and secular. In fact, before the fall there was no secular, only sacred. With the fall, men and women made the choice to pursue their own way (secular) and from the fall God has been calling men and women back to His way (the sacred).
It is in that light that the Ten Commandments, the moral law makes the most sense starting with "You shall have no other Gods before me." There can be no competing God's in our lives for either we worship Him wholly or we don't. While there are many competing Gods that call our attention, our sacred devotion is to one alone. In fact, if we got this one right, the following nine commands would not be necessary!
We should not misuse God's name because He is Holy and therefor our speech is holy and sacred as well. We remember the sabbath (in principle) because how we spend our time is sacred. We honor our father and mother because that is where we learn to live under authority and ultimately to honor God. We do not commit murder because life is sacred, we don't steal because our actions are sacred and God provides what we need. We don't commit adultery because marriage is sacred or give false testimony because truth is sacred. We don't covet because even our thinking is sacred.
Learning to look at all of life from a sacred perspective is part of the re-imaging each of us need. God created us in His image, an amazing truth that is hard for us to get our hands around. That image has been badly tarnished by sin but God has been re-imaging us from the time of the fall, culminating in the death and resurrection of Christ. To be re-imaged is to once again see life from a sacred perspective, to walk in the ancient ways of holiness and to learn to view all of life from God's perspective. As we do so the Holy Spirit re-images us piece by piece, thought by thought, action by action, commitment by commitment.
God's desire is that His people would once again claim the sacredness of life. It is who He created us to be. It was His intention from the day of creation. It is what He is recreating through salvation and the outworking of the Gospel and it is what He will bring to fruition when Heaven comes Down to Earth and the two become one - completely re-imaged and remade to the original intent of the creator.
It is in that light that the Ten Commandments, the moral law makes the most sense starting with "You shall have no other Gods before me." There can be no competing God's in our lives for either we worship Him wholly or we don't. While there are many competing Gods that call our attention, our sacred devotion is to one alone. In fact, if we got this one right, the following nine commands would not be necessary!
We should not misuse God's name because He is Holy and therefor our speech is holy and sacred as well. We remember the sabbath (in principle) because how we spend our time is sacred. We honor our father and mother because that is where we learn to live under authority and ultimately to honor God. We do not commit murder because life is sacred, we don't steal because our actions are sacred and God provides what we need. We don't commit adultery because marriage is sacred or give false testimony because truth is sacred. We don't covet because even our thinking is sacred.
Learning to look at all of life from a sacred perspective is part of the re-imaging each of us need. God created us in His image, an amazing truth that is hard for us to get our hands around. That image has been badly tarnished by sin but God has been re-imaging us from the time of the fall, culminating in the death and resurrection of Christ. To be re-imaged is to once again see life from a sacred perspective, to walk in the ancient ways of holiness and to learn to view all of life from God's perspective. As we do so the Holy Spirit re-images us piece by piece, thought by thought, action by action, commitment by commitment.
God's desire is that His people would once again claim the sacredness of life. It is who He created us to be. It was His intention from the day of creation. It is what He is recreating through salvation and the outworking of the Gospel and it is what He will bring to fruition when Heaven comes Down to Earth and the two become one - completely re-imaged and remade to the original intent of the creator.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Relational Equity
The strongest currency we have with those around us is relational equity. The greater that equity the greater the trust and influence. The lower the equity the less the trust and influence. Relational equity is something that is carefully cultivated and preserved by those who desire to influence others. It is an intentional investment in relationships over time that causes others to trust, count on, value, and appreciate our relationship - whether it is a close one or from a distance.
Relational equity is not built quickly. One of the advantages of long term friendships in the personal arena and long term ministry in the ministry arena is the opportunity to build strong equity over many years. The longer we have a healthy relationship with others, the greater the trust that is developed and the more we can mutually count on one another, help one another and influence one another.
This relational equity is important if we want to speak into the lives of others or allow them to speak into our lives. We listen to those we trust and who we know has our best interests in mind. On the other hand where such equity does not exist we often resent or discount counsel from others who try to push into our lives: not surprising since we don't know their motivations or know whether we cant trust their intentions.
What are the factors in building this kind of relational equity? First it is built over time because time validates our intentions and builds trust. Second, it is clear to others that we have their best interests in mind - all the time by our actions and service to them. Third, we have not stepped over appropriate boundaries in the relationship or taken advantage of others. Fourth, our interactions are respectful, honoring and have the effect of building others up. Fifth, we can be counted on, are faithful friends and show up when needed. All of these qualities over time build significant equity in the relationship. When any of them are violated we lose equity.
There are no investments more worthwhile or important than relational ones. Those investments are the currency of influence and growth as we interact with people with whom we have mutual trust. They are to be guarded carefully because once violated, they can be hard to rebuild. Those with great relational equity are wealthy people in the best sense of the word.
Relational equity is not built quickly. One of the advantages of long term friendships in the personal arena and long term ministry in the ministry arena is the opportunity to build strong equity over many years. The longer we have a healthy relationship with others, the greater the trust that is developed and the more we can mutually count on one another, help one another and influence one another.
This relational equity is important if we want to speak into the lives of others or allow them to speak into our lives. We listen to those we trust and who we know has our best interests in mind. On the other hand where such equity does not exist we often resent or discount counsel from others who try to push into our lives: not surprising since we don't know their motivations or know whether we cant trust their intentions.
What are the factors in building this kind of relational equity? First it is built over time because time validates our intentions and builds trust. Second, it is clear to others that we have their best interests in mind - all the time by our actions and service to them. Third, we have not stepped over appropriate boundaries in the relationship or taken advantage of others. Fourth, our interactions are respectful, honoring and have the effect of building others up. Fifth, we can be counted on, are faithful friends and show up when needed. All of these qualities over time build significant equity in the relationship. When any of them are violated we lose equity.
There are no investments more worthwhile or important than relational ones. Those investments are the currency of influence and growth as we interact with people with whom we have mutual trust. They are to be guarded carefully because once violated, they can be hard to rebuild. Those with great relational equity are wealthy people in the best sense of the word.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Straight Talk about Results in Missions
Missionaries are under increasing pressure to prove that they are getting results in missions today. Impatient sending churches are sometimes quick to criticize and even pull support when their version of results are not realized. This is both a good thing and a bad thing...depending.
At the expense of irritating some local church leaders, I want to suggest that the pressure for quick results in missions is not only unbiblical but hypocritical. In the United States it takes on average 168 people one year to bring one person to Christ. A church that sees ten percent conversion growth in any given year is on the very high end of churches nationally (on average). So a church of 500 would see 50 conversions in the course of a year and that would be considered very healthy. Think about that. Five hundred people and 50 conversions. Now apply that same standard to missionaries (what a team of ten or so) working in hard soil (consider the Muslim context) and we complain that they are not seeing quick results! If we applied the standards to ourselves that we apply to missionaries we would often get a failing grade! Yes we have many large churches and the vast majority of those who make up the congregations have transferred in from other churches while the vast majority of mission conversions are first generation Christians.
The west loves fast results. Missions is rarely about fast results. It was not for Paul and it will not be for us. It took nearly 300 years for Paul's early efforts in missions to see Christianity flourish in the Roman empire - 300 years.
As the leader of a mission organization, ReachGlobal, one of our guiding principles is that "We measure results." We want to know whether or not we are being effective. In addition, we deploy in teams for maximum synergies and insist that all staff have annual ministry plans and Key Result Areas - including me. We are always looking for best practices and as another one of our guiding principles states, "We practice entrepreneurial thinking." In addition, our Central Ministry Focus is to develop, empower and release healthy national leaders. So we are all about multiplication over addition. All well and good - except - we cannot control when "harvest" comes. We can control our intentionality and best practices but we cannot control the harvest. In fact, there is no excuse for lack of intentionality in missions but the fact remains we do not control the harvest - only God does.
At the expense of irritating some local church leaders, I want to suggest that the pressure for quick results in missions is not only unbiblical but hypocritical. In the United States it takes on average 168 people one year to bring one person to Christ. A church that sees ten percent conversion growth in any given year is on the very high end of churches nationally (on average). So a church of 500 would see 50 conversions in the course of a year and that would be considered very healthy. Think about that. Five hundred people and 50 conversions. Now apply that same standard to missionaries (what a team of ten or so) working in hard soil (consider the Muslim context) and we complain that they are not seeing quick results! If we applied the standards to ourselves that we apply to missionaries we would often get a failing grade! Yes we have many large churches and the vast majority of those who make up the congregations have transferred in from other churches while the vast majority of mission conversions are first generation Christians.
The west loves fast results. Missions is rarely about fast results. It was not for Paul and it will not be for us. It took nearly 300 years for Paul's early efforts in missions to see Christianity flourish in the Roman empire - 300 years.
As the leader of a mission organization, ReachGlobal, one of our guiding principles is that "We measure results." We want to know whether or not we are being effective. In addition, we deploy in teams for maximum synergies and insist that all staff have annual ministry plans and Key Result Areas - including me. We are always looking for best practices and as another one of our guiding principles states, "We practice entrepreneurial thinking." In addition, our Central Ministry Focus is to develop, empower and release healthy national leaders. So we are all about multiplication over addition. All well and good - except - we cannot control when "harvest" comes. We can control our intentionality and best practices but we cannot control the harvest. In fact, there is no excuse for lack of intentionality in missions but the fact remains we do not control the harvest - only God does.
Here is what I know from Scripture: God intends to bring an amazing harvest in His time, in His way and through His power. We are asked to simply live in His power, see through His eyes and live in faith filled expectancy. Harvest will come but we do not control the timing.
But I know several other things from the New Testament and Paul's example in particular. First, the harvest is never easy. Read Paul's litany of tough experiences in 2 Corinthians 11. There were places where Paul saw significant harvest and there were places where he did not.
In the first 25 years of Robert Morrison's ministry as the first Protestant to China he baptized only ten people. Twenty five years and ten people baptized. Yet, Morrison is widely known as the reason that Christianity came to China in the 1800's leading to the largest church in the world today. What if Morrison had been told after ten years of almost no results to come home and find a place where the harvest was better? Read the history of missions in India and many other places and the lesson is the same.
This goes to Paul's reminder in 1 Corinthians 3:5-9 that some of us sow, some of us water and some of us reap. He asks, which is more important, the sower, the one who waters or the reaper? Remember: wherever there is a significant harvest, there was behind that harvest those who labored for years in obscurity, sowing and watering. Like Morrison, they may never see the harvest in this life and while those who get to harvest get the accolades in missions, it was those who did the harder work of sowing and watering and praying that deserve the bulk of the credit.
ReachGlobal works in over 75 countries. In some countries the spiritual results are easy to see and large but only because someone before us did the hard and tedious and tough work of sowing and watering. In other contexts we are doing the tough work of sowing and watering and perhaps others will see the harvest.
In all cases we need to ensure that the investment we make in missions is being used wisely and that we are ministering with great intentionality. And we need to be people of prayer (in the local church and in missions) that God would break through. But we do not control the timing of that breakthrough. That is true domestically and internationally.
What do you think Paul would say if we told him that we only went to places where the harvest was significant? That would rule out most of the Muslim world (one billion) much of Europe and many yet to be reached people.
I lived in Hong Kong from 1960 to 1971 where my parents were medical missionaries. When we left there were five or six churches. It was slow going and hard. Today there are 55 Free Churches including the largest EFC in the world (10,000) to say nothing of the many other evangelical churches that saturate the territory. The church in Hong Kong stands on the shoulders of those missionaries who labored there, sowing and watering for many years, seeing only meager results.
We need a better theology of missions today. A theology rather than simple expediency.
God intends to bring an amazing harvest in His time, in His way and through His power. We are asked to simply live in His power, see through His eyes and live in faith filled expectancy. Harvest will come but we do not control the timing. The question is whether we will partner with God not only in harvest but in sowing and watering. Those who focus only on the harvest have settled for expediency. Those who focus on all three focus on a biblical view of global missions.
ReachGlobal works in over 75 countries. In some countries the spiritual results are easy to see and large but only because someone before us did the hard and tedious and tough work of sowing and watering. In other contexts we are doing the tough work of sowing and watering and perhaps others will see the harvest.
In all cases we need to ensure that the investment we make in missions is being used wisely and that we are ministering with great intentionality. And we need to be people of prayer (in the local church and in missions) that God would break through. But we do not control the timing of that breakthrough. That is true domestically and internationally.
What do you think Paul would say if we told him that we only went to places where the harvest was significant? That would rule out most of the Muslim world (one billion) much of Europe and many yet to be reached people.
I lived in Hong Kong from 1960 to 1971 where my parents were medical missionaries. When we left there were five or six churches. It was slow going and hard. Today there are 55 Free Churches including the largest EFC in the world (10,000) to say nothing of the many other evangelical churches that saturate the territory. The church in Hong Kong stands on the shoulders of those missionaries who labored there, sowing and watering for many years, seeing only meager results.
We need a better theology of missions today. A theology rather than simple expediency.
God intends to bring an amazing harvest in His time, in His way and through His power. We are asked to simply live in His power, see through His eyes and live in faith filled expectancy. Harvest will come but we do not control the timing. The question is whether we will partner with God not only in harvest but in sowing and watering. Those who focus only on the harvest have settled for expediency. Those who focus on all three focus on a biblical view of global missions.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Influence and self unimportance
I meet two kinds of people in Christian work. There are those who have a need for self importance. They need an impressive title, want significant authority, and need a fair amount of personal recognition. Often, in order to confirm their importance and expertise they will make declarative statements on issues and everyone knows from their demeanor that they are "important."
What is interesting about this is that Jesus Himself, never tried to act or look important and He is our model and the One we serve. How He was seen by others was not even on His radar. How he was seen by His Father was His overriding concern. Our desire to be important is antithetical to the One we serve. In fact, Jesus was content to be seen as unimportant by most. Those He ministered too, knew His worth!
Ironically, those who seek recognition often have the least influence because they are not servants of others and while people may give them deference because they know they want it, they do not necessarily respect them. In fact the way to the greatest influence in God's kingdom is cultivating self unimportance in the sense that our objective is to serve others rather than see others as serving us. The way to the greatest influence is that of humble service, regardless of our job title, recognition or scope of authority.
This second kind of Christian worker wants to have the greatest influence for God and His kingdom as possible but they are not driven by recognition or position.
What are the marks of self unimportance that lead to great influence? The first is that we take the posture of a servant to others. I lead an organization but my greatest influence does not come from my title but from the way I serve those who work in the organization. My goal is to make ReachGlobal a great place for people to work, use their gifting and be released to accomplish our mission. To the extent that I serve those in RG well, I have influence both inside our organization and in the world at large. In fact, I believe the job of leaders is to serve well by creating an environment where people and ministry can flourish.
Second, people who cultivate self unimportance listen and dialogue with others rather than making declarative statements or unilateral decisions. Watch leaders who listen, ask questions, dialogue and invite discussion and feedback and you see people who are less interested in their own importance and more interested in engaging a team for ministry results.
Third, people who cultivate self unimportance minister to the needs of others. They are outward centered, care about the lives and situations of those around them and there is no service too humble for them to perform for others. They believe that people are important, matter to God, have infinite worth and treat them with love and respect. Again, it is an attitude of service to others rather than one of having the expectation of being served.
Fourth, people who cultivate self unimportance do not seek the applause of others. Life is not about them. It is about Christ and His Kingdom. There is a deep satisfaction found in serving Jesus and His divine amen on their lives is far more important than the recognition of those around them. They are Jesus driven, not recognition driven.
This is an important distinction. Those who need the recognition of others or status are really trying to find their value and significance from other people. Their need comes out of their own lack of inner peace, confidence and self worth that comes from a deep relationship with Jesus. If our self worth is found in Christ, there is no situation that will rob us from that self worth. If it is found in status or position or the applause of others, it will be gone the instant those accoutrements of our lives are gone and they are indeed temporary and transitory.
Those who are confident in their relationship and standing with Jesus simply don't need the recognition of others and status to prop up their self worth. And because they don't need it they don't seek it. Ironically, they are the very ones others value, trust and are drawn to because of their servant and kingdom mindset. Because they are interested in kingdom influence rather than personal recognition (both take time and energy and focus) they end up having greater impact than those focused on themselves.
Influence comes from not needing to be important with others and that becomes possible when we know that our identity is found in Christ above all. Secure in Him we can focus on His kingdom and not our importance.
What is interesting about this is that Jesus Himself, never tried to act or look important and He is our model and the One we serve. How He was seen by others was not even on His radar. How he was seen by His Father was His overriding concern. Our desire to be important is antithetical to the One we serve. In fact, Jesus was content to be seen as unimportant by most. Those He ministered too, knew His worth!
Ironically, those who seek recognition often have the least influence because they are not servants of others and while people may give them deference because they know they want it, they do not necessarily respect them. In fact the way to the greatest influence in God's kingdom is cultivating self unimportance in the sense that our objective is to serve others rather than see others as serving us. The way to the greatest influence is that of humble service, regardless of our job title, recognition or scope of authority.
This second kind of Christian worker wants to have the greatest influence for God and His kingdom as possible but they are not driven by recognition or position.
What are the marks of self unimportance that lead to great influence? The first is that we take the posture of a servant to others. I lead an organization but my greatest influence does not come from my title but from the way I serve those who work in the organization. My goal is to make ReachGlobal a great place for people to work, use their gifting and be released to accomplish our mission. To the extent that I serve those in RG well, I have influence both inside our organization and in the world at large. In fact, I believe the job of leaders is to serve well by creating an environment where people and ministry can flourish.
Second, people who cultivate self unimportance listen and dialogue with others rather than making declarative statements or unilateral decisions. Watch leaders who listen, ask questions, dialogue and invite discussion and feedback and you see people who are less interested in their own importance and more interested in engaging a team for ministry results.
Third, people who cultivate self unimportance minister to the needs of others. They are outward centered, care about the lives and situations of those around them and there is no service too humble for them to perform for others. They believe that people are important, matter to God, have infinite worth and treat them with love and respect. Again, it is an attitude of service to others rather than one of having the expectation of being served.
Fourth, people who cultivate self unimportance do not seek the applause of others. Life is not about them. It is about Christ and His Kingdom. There is a deep satisfaction found in serving Jesus and His divine amen on their lives is far more important than the recognition of those around them. They are Jesus driven, not recognition driven.
This is an important distinction. Those who need the recognition of others or status are really trying to find their value and significance from other people. Their need comes out of their own lack of inner peace, confidence and self worth that comes from a deep relationship with Jesus. If our self worth is found in Christ, there is no situation that will rob us from that self worth. If it is found in status or position or the applause of others, it will be gone the instant those accoutrements of our lives are gone and they are indeed temporary and transitory.
Those who are confident in their relationship and standing with Jesus simply don't need the recognition of others and status to prop up their self worth. And because they don't need it they don't seek it. Ironically, they are the very ones others value, trust and are drawn to because of their servant and kingdom mindset. Because they are interested in kingdom influence rather than personal recognition (both take time and energy and focus) they end up having greater impact than those focused on themselves.
Influence comes from not needing to be important with others and that becomes possible when we know that our identity is found in Christ above all. Secure in Him we can focus on His kingdom and not our importance.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Our Inner Compass and Decision Making
Each of us has an inner compass which is made up of our convictions, accumulated experiences, skill set and of course, the voice of the Holy Spirit. Wise individuals learn to pay attention to that inner compass and not to move forward on something where there is not inner peace. It is an intangible voice but one that should never be ignored.
It is not unusual for leaders to be pushed for decisions that others would like them to make. It is easy to accede to that pressure even when there is a "gut check" that says, "don't do it." We ought to be very cautious about moving forward when there is a "heart check" that exists in our spirit. My experience is that when I have ignored that "check in my spirit" I have been sorry later.
Another area where we need to heed our "inner discernment" is with people when positioning them within our organization. They or their advocates may push for a certain job or position when one's inner compass has yellow or red flags. Until those flags have been resolved it is unwise to make a move, regardless of the pressure.
Even our own job factors into our inner compass. There come times in our lives when our spirit is telling us that it is time to move on, do something different or move in a different direction. The best thing we can do is to take that prompting seriously and make it a matter of consideration and prayer.
Sometimes this prompting comes from our own experience and the wisdom we have gained over the years. That bank of experience and wisdom should be taken seriously. Other times, it is the Holy Spirit that is prompting us in one direction or another. Learning to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit is one of the greatest gifts we could give ourselves. He knows things we don't know and is our "counselor."
Heeding our inner compass, whether our own bank of experience or the promptings of the Holy Spirit does not come on the fly. They require one to be reflective, to think about decisions long enough to be comfortable with the direction one is going and to be prayerful in that reflection. That is why wise individuals are deeply reflective and refuse to make decisions before they are ready to or to simply allow others to make decisions for them.
Reflection, prayer, time and past experience have a way of giving us great wisdom if we will slow down to make those considerations a priority. It can save us from lots of "dumb tax" and future regrets.
It is not unusual for leaders to be pushed for decisions that others would like them to make. It is easy to accede to that pressure even when there is a "gut check" that says, "don't do it." We ought to be very cautious about moving forward when there is a "heart check" that exists in our spirit. My experience is that when I have ignored that "check in my spirit" I have been sorry later.
Another area where we need to heed our "inner discernment" is with people when positioning them within our organization. They or their advocates may push for a certain job or position when one's inner compass has yellow or red flags. Until those flags have been resolved it is unwise to make a move, regardless of the pressure.
Even our own job factors into our inner compass. There come times in our lives when our spirit is telling us that it is time to move on, do something different or move in a different direction. The best thing we can do is to take that prompting seriously and make it a matter of consideration and prayer.
Sometimes this prompting comes from our own experience and the wisdom we have gained over the years. That bank of experience and wisdom should be taken seriously. Other times, it is the Holy Spirit that is prompting us in one direction or another. Learning to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit is one of the greatest gifts we could give ourselves. He knows things we don't know and is our "counselor."
Heeding our inner compass, whether our own bank of experience or the promptings of the Holy Spirit does not come on the fly. They require one to be reflective, to think about decisions long enough to be comfortable with the direction one is going and to be prayerful in that reflection. That is why wise individuals are deeply reflective and refuse to make decisions before they are ready to or to simply allow others to make decisions for them.
Reflection, prayer, time and past experience have a way of giving us great wisdom if we will slow down to make those considerations a priority. It can save us from lots of "dumb tax" and future regrets.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Emotional Voyeurism and Pseudo Discipling
There are people who under the guise of spiritual formation and "community" encourage others to bare their deepest secrets to them. I am not talking about trained counselors here but good intentioned individuals who believe that unless all is on the table and out in the open there cannot be growth. They set themselves up as the spiritual coach who can guide the process and encourage people to peel back the layers of their psyche to them.
In large part, these individuals are seeking to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but what it often really amounts to is emotional voyeurism - looking into places in another person's life that they are not qualified to look into, opening wounds or issues that they are not qualified to deal with and creating an emotional bond (enmeshment) that is unhealthy and creates spiritual dependency on them.
These individuals naturally gravitate toward other emotionally wounded individuals who are already vulnerable and needy. Because emotionally needy people need the affirmation of others they are easily drawn into spiritual enmeshed relationships with these "pseudo disciplers" that is unhealthy. And, it is not unusual for them to actually become even more unhealthy as unqualified "counselors" open issues in their lives that they cannot help fix. Because these self taught spiritual coaches use hyper spiritual language, those drawn in believe that these individuals can help them grow closer to God when in reality they are often simply creating spiritual dependency on themselves.
Healthy followers of Christ never open wounds or get into issues that they are not qualified to deal with. In addition, they never play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. Frankly this is how cults come into being as it can be emotionally appealing to have others dependent on us an there are always vulnerable people who will go there if we allow them.
Healthy disciplers help others grow in their own self - knowledge through time in the word, in prayer and introspection. They do not need to know or even desire to know many of the details of another's inner life but point them continually to God. Appropriate sharing in appropriate settings is encouraged for mutual edification and accountability but never in a way that supplants the role of the Holy Spirit or creates a spiritual dependency on another individual. Our dependency is always on Christ rather than a person.
Churches and ministry organizations should be on guard against those who enjoy emotional voyeurism or spiritual dependencies. No matter what the spiritual language that is used, anyone who is creating spiritual or emotional dependencies on themselves are not themselves healthy. In fact, it is usually unresolved spiritual issues in their own lives that give them a need to create enmeshed emotional and spiritual ties with other vulnerable individuals. Whether called discipleship, community or spiritual coaching, be on guard. Healthy individuals create healthy relationships, personally and spiritually. Unhealthy individuals create unhealthy relationships, personally and spiritually.
In large part, these individuals are seeking to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but what it often really amounts to is emotional voyeurism - looking into places in another person's life that they are not qualified to look into, opening wounds or issues that they are not qualified to deal with and creating an emotional bond (enmeshment) that is unhealthy and creates spiritual dependency on them.
These individuals naturally gravitate toward other emotionally wounded individuals who are already vulnerable and needy. Because emotionally needy people need the affirmation of others they are easily drawn into spiritual enmeshed relationships with these "pseudo disciplers" that is unhealthy. And, it is not unusual for them to actually become even more unhealthy as unqualified "counselors" open issues in their lives that they cannot help fix. Because these self taught spiritual coaches use hyper spiritual language, those drawn in believe that these individuals can help them grow closer to God when in reality they are often simply creating spiritual dependency on themselves.
Healthy followers of Christ never open wounds or get into issues that they are not qualified to deal with. In addition, they never play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. Frankly this is how cults come into being as it can be emotionally appealing to have others dependent on us an there are always vulnerable people who will go there if we allow them.
Healthy disciplers help others grow in their own self - knowledge through time in the word, in prayer and introspection. They do not need to know or even desire to know many of the details of another's inner life but point them continually to God. Appropriate sharing in appropriate settings is encouraged for mutual edification and accountability but never in a way that supplants the role of the Holy Spirit or creates a spiritual dependency on another individual. Our dependency is always on Christ rather than a person.
Churches and ministry organizations should be on guard against those who enjoy emotional voyeurism or spiritual dependencies. No matter what the spiritual language that is used, anyone who is creating spiritual or emotional dependencies on themselves are not themselves healthy. In fact, it is usually unresolved spiritual issues in their own lives that give them a need to create enmeshed emotional and spiritual ties with other vulnerable individuals. Whether called discipleship, community or spiritual coaching, be on guard. Healthy individuals create healthy relationships, personally and spiritually. Unhealthy individuals create unhealthy relationships, personally and spiritually.
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