"I knew I should have said something!"

I have heard that statement numerous times from staff or board leaders about a decision that was made that they knew was not a good idea but did not speak up. It only takes one individual who is willing to show up to stop a train that looks like it is gathering steam - toward a train wreck.


Especially is ministry there is a tendency toward optimistic thinking. That things will work out or we just need to have faith. But faith and optimism in foolish or reckless decisions is not faith but folly. 


Whenever we have a "check in our spirit" we ought to pay attention to it. That "check" or "doubt" may well be the Holy Spirit, or plain wisdom, saying, "Don't go there." "Speak up even if you lose the day." Never ignore the whisper of doubt when making an important decision.


We have a lot of group think on staffs and church and ministry boards. It is an unfortunate thing. The very reason that God designed church leadership as a "plurality of leaders" is that no one individual has the wisdom or gifts to lead alone. But group think circumvents that design by the group simply acting as one individual. Plurality in leadership only works well when each individual is willing, able and courageous enough to speak their minds and even to go against the flow when necessary.


This is not about being the "gadfly." It is about being an independent thinker who is able to speak honestly, candidly and truthfully even when that means raising uncomfortable questions that others don't want to raise. Often, if one individual has doubts, others do as well and the one who is courageous enough to speak gives others permission to speak as well.


One of the marks of good emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to be self defining. That is, to be able to state one own's opinion with conviction and clarity even if it is a lone voice. 


There are ministry leaders who exert a great deal of pressure for their boards or staff to go along with them. Healthy leaders and staff are respectful but independent thinkers who hopefully won't wish after the fact that they should have said something. 

Leadership fear and faith

Is there one key issue you know that you need to address in your organization that you have put off because of fear? The fear may be of dealing with the consequences, explaining to someone that they are not a good fit or needing to make a major shift that you know has unknowns attached to it.

Leadership fear that paralyzes action you know must be taken is not uncommon. You are in good company - but also dangerous company. Leaders suffer from it. Boards suffer from it. Fear is normal but not acting because of it is leadership default.

Inability to address necessary issues can increase with our longevity as leaders. The longer we have been in a position the more we have to lose if we rock the boat. So it is easy to look the other way or even to figure our successor will take care of it. If you inherited such issues from your predecessor you know how well that works!

Often our inability to act comes from confusing the issue we need to address with the question of how we should do it. These are two very different questions. The first question is what do we need to do and once we are clear on that the second is how do we do it. 

If you have an issue, don't ignore it but make a conscious decision as to what you need to do. Then, start thinking through the strategy for how you can best address it with as little fallout as possible.

Remember that doing the right thing honors God, is what we are called to do in our leadership roles and is critical to the health and missionality of the ministry. I have been amazed at how God has gone before me when I have done the right thing even if it was the hard thing. 

Being willing to address those issues we know we should address is not only a matter of courage but of faith. Do we believe that God honors leaders who do what is best? Do we trust him for the wisdom to do it in a way that is prudent? Do we believe that if He is prompting us to act that He will act on our behalf as well?

Most of us know when we need to act on something. The question is whether our faith or fear will win out. As Paul said, if God has given one the gift of leadership, lead!

The critical importance of exit interviews

One of the most neglected disciplines in many churches and ministry organizations is that of doing exit interviews when staff leave. In fact, in some cases, I believe that some leaders don't want to do candid exit interviews because they know they have a problem with retaining staff and frankly don't want to address it. Yet, had they conducted candid and confidential exit interviews they would know how to address the issue.


What can exit interviews tell you? First, they may tell you why a staff member is actually leaving. Let's be honest. In many cases in ministry settings staff don't reveal the actual reason they are leaving out of concern for the organization or because they are under pressure not to rock the boat. If there is an underlying reason for their exit related to the culture of the ministry it is a good thing for you to know this.


Second, if there is a dysfunctional staff situation, and you see trends (see my blog, When the bodies pile up), the exit interviews give you information that can be used to address whatever dysfunction exists. That is, if you truly desire to do so. In some cases, in spite of problematic trends, leaders simply ignore the problem not wanting to deal with it. However, common stories when people leave do give you some helpful data to address underlying issues.


You may also discover that your hiring processes are not robust enough if there is a trend of people who don't fit. Poor hiring practices lead to a higher attrition rate which is unfortunate for the staff member as well as the organization.


One thing to remember is that people may vent on their way out so their own experience can be colored by their issues. One problematic exit does not make a trend. Over time, however, if there are consistent themes around any issue of staff health or culture the exit interviews give you an opportunity to address it. 


As the leader of an organization, I take the feedback from staff who leave seriously. It gives us an opportunity to improve our culture and practices. I am given regular feedback from our personnel folks on trends that they pick up. Don't neglect your exit interviews. They are crucial to a healthy organization.

The quiet ministry of calling out the best in others

A question to ponder. Who saw potential in you and called it out of you? Who encouraged you in your growth and quietly mentored you? Whoever it was left a legacy not only in you but in all the people you have touched. 


Those who encourage and develop others are special people. Theirs is a ministry behind the scenes that gets little press but which has huge reward. It is a ministry that is other centered rather than self centered. And, it is a ministry that every one of us can have.


The story of the early church was easily dominated by one great figure - the Apostle Paul. As a theologian he defined much of its theology, as an apostle he planted key churches and as a developer of people he trained up the generation that would go after him. 


Think about this, however. Behind this giant was a quiet, unassuming gentleman by the name of Barnabas who took Paul under his wing when everyone else was afraid of him. It was Barnabas who taught Paul in the early days. It was Barnabas who introduced him to the other apostles and the church. It was Barnabas who encouraged and walked alongside Paul when others did not.


So who is more important in the story of the early church: Barnabas or Paul?


Barnabas saw potential in Paul when others did not. As he did with John Mark when Paul did not. I would suggest that Barnabas had a high level of spiritual discernment along with the patience and desire to develop others. His was not a flashy ministry but a ministry in the shadows that lifted others up. 


The development of others is a a humble ministry. It often goes unseen and unacknowledged - except by God. It's legacy is in the impact of those they encourage, develop and lift up. Those who see potential where others don't are like prospectors who know the vein of gold is somewhere beneath them. They have the heart of God who sees the potential in each one of us. And they have the patience to draw it out.


Few of us will be earth changing leaders. All of us can be life changing people who have the heart of Barnabas and who call out the best in others. 

The issue of staff loyalty

"Are they loyal to me?" is the question that many leaders ask themselves about their staff. Sometimes in conflictual situations, a leader will either ask or demand loyalty of their staff. In negotiating through conflict I have often heard the charge, "he or she is not loyal to me as their leader," which usually means they don't belong in the organization anymore.

I believe, by the way that loyalty is a good thing and that healthy organizations and leaders have a great deal of loyalty. There is a difference, however between loyalty and subservience. 

When I hear this kind of thing I always ask the question, "What is your definition of loyalty?" Some of the more interesting and problematic responses I have received are "that he/she agree with me," or "that they do what I tell them to do and how I tell them to do it." For others it means, "never question my decisions (implicitly or explicitly)." I find these problematic definitions because they remove the autonomy of thinking from the staff member and insist that they allow their leader to think for them. That, by the way is how cults start. And how many dysfunctional staffs operate.

In my experience, the removal of staff on a charge that they are not loyal is usually more of a reflection on an insecure or narcissistic leader than it is on the conduct of the staff member. Unless one  can demonstrate that an individual's behavior is harmful to the organization, labeling someone as "disloyal" and marginalizing or firing them is a reflection of an unhealthy leader rather than an unhealthy staff member who may simply be thinking for himself/herself and expressing themselves honestly. Beware of leaders who have a pattern of dismissing or marginalizing people on the basis of a lack of loyalty.

There are gradations of loyalty. Our highest loyalty cannot truly be to any person but it is to God. Thus, if any individual, leader or not, asks us to violate a moral or ethical standard or skirt the truth our loyalty to God trumps our willingness to do as we have been asked even if out of "loyalty."

Our next highest level of loyalty is to the mission of the organization we work for. If I don't believe in the mission of my organization and cannot be loyal to that cause I am in the wrong spot. So while I work for the most empowering leader ever, I do not serve because of him but because of the cause of the organization. He makes it a joy to work for the organization and I might not be there under another leader.

So what about loyalty to our leaders? One dictionary defines loyalty as "Faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend."  Notice that it is couched in the term faithfulness and only to a person or cause that is "deserving of fidelity." In other words, loyalty cannot be demanded but it can be deserved and earned.

But take this one step further. What does faithfulness to a leader entail? It certainly means that we want the very best for them and for the organization they lead. Thus there will be times when we specifically do not agree with them if a decision they are making is going to hurt them or the organization. Loyalty by definition speaks up (respectfully) when one is concerned about and issue. It does not stay passively silent and supportive. Loyalty means that my leaders trusts me to be supportive of him/her and the organization, and not to do anything that would undermine it or them. 

In our organization, I would want these characteristics from our staff: Loyalty to the cause, respect for and cooperation with those who lead, and nothing that undermines either the mission or those who lead including cynicism and mistrust. Honesty and candidness in communication with the best of the organization always in mind. 

I also have a set of expectations for leaders toward those on their teams. Loyalty and respect go two ways.

Leaders who demand loyalty no matter what are merely looking for "yes" people who will do their bidding. Healthy leaders want to be respected but they want their staff to be honest, candid and to think for themselves - and speak up when needed. Unhealthy leaders categorize staff into two camps: those for me or against me - a dysfunctional definition of loyalty and disloyalty. Those who do this lose the support of healthy staff and build a staff of people who know that they cannot cross their leader.  

For better or for worse and 13,140 bricks

When Mary Ann and I said those five words 36 years ago we said them with great conviction, hope and optimism but knowing nothing about their true implications - because we had no idea what the better or worse would entail. The better has been better than we could have imagined and the worse has been worse than we ever anticipated. It has simply been 36 years of real life not understood or anticipated at the tender age of 20.


For better or for worse are powerful words because it is in the better and the worse that two individuals forge the most powerful partnership and abiding mature love. I think of every day of marriage as a brick in a wall. After one year we had 365 bricks laid. Today we have 13,140. After year one we had a small fragile wall. Today we are on our way to a strong fortress. Some of those bricks were laid easily and some with great cost. But each one, sealed with the mortar of commitment builds a stronger wall: one brick at a time.


This is why we honor people who have been married for many years. We know that it was not an easy journey and we celebrate those who have been able to make the long journey together.


It is easy for our marriages to go on auto pilot. But stop and think of the fortress you are building together one day at a time. Every day, every brick, strengthens the marriage and ironically while we love the great times, it is the hard times that bring the strongest bond. Fighting battles together builds a bond that is hard to break - if we fight them together and not alone.


Grace, forgiveness and patience figure prominently into those bricks and mortar. Cracks in the wall if ignored will eventually cause its failure and collapse. Ignore the cracks and they get worse. Fix them and the wall is again strong. It takes attention, remedial action and sometimes the rebuilding of sections of the wall. Sections rebuilt are particularly precious because someone took the time to fix what was broken and make it whole. Rebuilding can be some of the hardest work but when finished some of the most satisfying.


The strongest walls are made between three people, not two - by inviting the Holy Spirit into our relationships. Through His transformation our sin is not only dealt with in forgiveness but our very character is changed over time into His. His presence makes all the difference in the health and growth of our relationships.


I intend to build a fortress with Mary Ann. What are you building?

Image management or heart management

All of us to one extent to another seek to manage our image. We want to look the best to others. In its most extreme forms, image management becomes narcissism and the inability to admit fault or to say "I was wrong." In its milder forms it manifests itself in not being fully transparent even when we are with safe people. We like to manage our image and we want people to see the managed version of us rather than the full and real us.


Think about this, however. Image management is simply about managing the outward appearance of our lives. It is no less "spin" than what we see Hollywood and government do every day. Image management is about making the outward facade of our lives look good. And it is totally the wrong focus.


What should concern us is heart management, not image management. If we manage our hearts well, we have no need to manage our image because what is inside will be what is manifested outside. Image management is only necessary when we have not managed our hearts and therefore need to make our outer self look clean knowing that there is an inner self that is not.


This is why Jesus called the Pharisees "whitewashed tombs" (nice on the outside and a corpse on the inside) and told us that what comes out of a man is simply a manifestation of what is in his heart. Manage our hearts, or as the Proverbs says, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" and image management is no longer necessary. 


Here is the irony. Image management is a clue to us that we are neglecting something in our hearts. That neglect causes us to need to pretend all is well. If we find ourselves managing our image we ought to reflect on what it is that we are hiding from others and why. And rather than putting our energy into managing our image, we can put it to work managing our heart.