Avoid the comparison trap. It is toxic to us.

Too often our view of ourselves deeply flawed. Rather than seeing ourselves for who we are we do so instead through a lens of comparison with others. That comparison creates a distorted view of ourselves: We see not who God made us to be but something different and someone different.


It is bad enough that we compare our own self worth against other people but we further complicate it by comparing our circumstances, positions, opportunities and wealth against those of others. These comparisons often create envy of others which directly leads to a lack of peace in our own lives.


Why are comparisons with others toxic for us? First because God uniquely made us as He wanted to, gave us the gifts He designed for us and a work to do that He created only for us (Ephesians 2:10). If we don't like who we are our argument is not with others around us but with God Himself. The problem is that God does not create anything but the best and it is only in embracing His purpose for our lives that we experience the greatest happiness and satisfaction.


Second, we tend to think that if we had the gifts, opportunities or wealth of others that we would be happy. Ironically, those we compare ourselves too are no less or more happy than we are. Their joy, like ours, depends on embracing the calling on their lives. And behind the good looking exteriors we all put up are issues struggled with, pain dealt with and their own set of challenges to work through.


Looking at our lives through the lens of the lives of others is like looking through a highly distorted window. No longer do we see who God made us to be with the gifting and purpose He designed for our lives but we distort our picture with what He intended for others. That distortion skews our thinking, robs our joy and more important sidetracks us from the role He uniquely designed for us to play. 


Our joy and satisfaction comes when we embrace who God made us to be, how He uniquely gifted us and how He wants to use us. Try to embrace someone else's gifting and calling and we lose our joy (and it cannot be done anyway). Stop comparing and start embracing and we experience the joy of a life God made for us. 


God has given us amazing, mind blowing gifts (Read Ephesians 1 and 2). One of those specific gifts is the making of the unique us (Ephesians 2:10) along with a specific mission in life. Embrace it, thank God for it and live it out and we will be the most joyful and satisfied of people. Distort all that by comparing ourselves with others and the joy and satisfaction is robbed.


Avoid the comparison trap. It will rob you of what God intended for your life.

The cost of freedom

As a reader of history I am always amazed and deeply appreciative of the cost that was paid for the freedoms we enjoy and which most of the world does not. Men and women who willingly went into the line of fire knowing the risks and who were willing to pay the price - often the ultimate price. Memorial day is a sober day for anyone who has walked the graveyards of Normandy, Manila, Hawaii and others scattered around the world.


As one who regularly travels to countries where our freedoms are non existent, I am all too aware of what freedom means - or the lack of it. 


There is another kind of freedom that is even more important - that of the spiritual freedom that the Gospel brings. And there is a long list of God's servants who have given their lives, and do every day around the world. There is no freedom in this world, political or spiritual without a cost. 


Just as our world is in need of those like my nieces and nephews who are in the armed services defending our freedom, the church needs those who will go to hard places for the sake of the Gospel in spite of the risk. Political freedom brings temporal freedom. The Gospel brings temporal and eternal freedom.


I thank each member of our team in ReachGlobal who have given their careers to the cause of the Gospel. And to every member of every mission and every Christian worker in hard places. Your willingness to answer the call of Jesus is paying eternal dividends of men and women and children who have found freedom in Jesus.


Freedom is costly. It is also worth it. God's army is still waiting for those who will join it!

Those who need to control and how to recognize it

I am convinced that the desire to control others is a result of the fall and our sinful nature. And there are many people who are very good at controlling others. Often we feel the uncomfortable nature of someone's control but cannot always pinpoint the source of the control or its dysfunctional nature. 


Sometimes we don't realize the controlling nature of the relationship until we are out of the relationship. An abused spouse, for instance, often does not realize what freedom is until they have been out of the abusive relationship for a period of time and it is in retrospect that they are able to pinpoint the sources of the control.


People and even groups of people control others in a variety of ways: actions; anger; flattery; attitudes; words; money; organizational structure; friendship or lack of it; intimidation; closeness or marginalization. In each case, the effort is to control the actions, thinking or behavior of others. 


How does one know if there is control going on? Here are some signs:

• I am feeling pressured to act or believe a certain way
• I feel the displeasure of another when I act independently
• My relationship with another is based on how I respond to them
• I feel intimidation
• I experience flattery when doing what the other desires and anger or distance when I don't
• I experience threats: implicit or explicit
• The other wants an exclusive relationship with me and is not comfortable with me having a variety of relationships
• There is not freedom to disagree or push back
• The other has an attitude of "you are either my friend or my enemy", "you are either for me or against me."
• The other feels free to critique me but does not give me the freedom to critique them
• I often feel an air of condescension or superiority
• I feel used in certain circumstances where I am expected to act on their behalf when they need it but there is not reciprocation
• I am often wrong but they are not - at least they make me feel that way

What these kinds of feelings are telling us is that there is dysfunction in the relationship that is violating our sense of personal freedom. If a relationship has these kinds of feelings to it we are wise to do some introspection on the relationship because it is usually going to end badly. 

The reason it will end badly is that this is not a true and healthy friendship. Rather it is a relationship where one is being used - and when no longer needed will be discarded. Those who control people ultimately use people for their purposes. Otherwise they would have no need to control. 

Beware of controlling relationships. Someone is ultimately going to get hurt and it will not be the controller.

What your pastor might want to tell you if he could

Dear congregation:


It is a joy to serve you, most of the time. I love you and I love what I do but there are things that irritate me too. The problem is that while you have full freedom to tell me those things that irritate you, it is harder for me to tell you. So, this anonymous letter.


I know that Sundays are convenient days to talk to me about concerns you have, or criticisms, but it is not convenient for me. Nor Monday's. I work so hard to be ready for Sunday when I preach and teach and it is really discouraging when I get sideswiped by issues on those days. Can you wait till at least Tuesday?


Also, as a pastor I have a congregation with 500 adults which also means 500 people who have an opinion on almost everything. I want to know what you think if you can share it nicely and without an agenda to force me to do something. Part of being a body is being flexible enough to deal with the varied people we have and to learn to live together in harmony. I try to be flexible. I hope you can be as well.


On that matter. Remember that this is not the church you left to come to this one. I know they did things a certain way but we are not that church (remember why you decided to leave there?). We are a different church with our own DNA and way of doing things. So please don't expect us to do things the way your past church(s) did them.


Sometimes I do things that irritate others. I guess it is part of being human. I know that as the pastor that is not really allowed but it can and will happen. Can you forgive me as I get to forgive a lot of others on a regular basis? It is hard to preach to people who are holding grudges and issues that they won't let go of. Maybe you could sit in the very back instead of the front row if you can't let it go :). 


I am learning to not be as defensive as I sometimes am. I guess one can become so when they care so much about something and I care a lot about the church and its people. Easy criticism is hurtful to me because I am doing my very best. Thoughtful, loving dialogue is something I can handle a lot better if you have constructive ideas.


I know it bothers some of you that I cannot be at all events. The truth is that I have a family like you and I do my best to balance my family and ministry responsibilities. I also get tired from the many heavy issues that people have and bring to me. I love to minister to hurting people but sometimes I just need to get away and regain my perspective and rest. Thanks for understanding.


Oh, another thought. On a lot of things you really don't need me. You need someone to help but not necessarily your senior pastor. We need to learn to minister to one another and not expect the pastor to do all the ministering. I am pretty sure that is why the Holy Spirit gives gifts to everyone. Let's spread out the caring and ministry so that we are all in ministry because otherwise I will burn out. I cannot carry the load but I will gladly share the load. And you?


Really, most of the time my work is a joy which is why I do what I do. But I did need to share with your my perspective on a few things. Thanks for listening. I love you (most days).


The pastor of a typical church, maybe yours.

Conflict avoidance creates greater conflict: four ironies regarding conflict

Here is an irony. In the name of peace we often avoid conflict - addressing issues that we know are real issues but that we don't want to have to work through. What results is usually even greater conflict because existing issues were not addressed and at some point in time those unresolved issues erupt and create a much greater mess than one would have had if they had addressed the issue earlier. 

In our effort to avoid conflict we actually create greater conflict down the road. In fact, the greater the blowup the longer the underlying conflict has usually been avoided. So those who choose avoidance as a strategy set the group up for a larger confrontation at a later date.

Here is another irony! We consider conflict to be a bad thing. In fact, it is usually a helpful thing because the fact that there is conflict is an indicator that there are issues that need to be resolved. Conflict is simply an indicator that there is an underlying issue that must be addressed. 

In itself, conflict is neither good or bad, simply an indicator, like a tachometer going into the red zone that you better shift into another gear or the engine is going to get too hot. Ignore your tachometer and you have engine trouble. Avoid conflict and you have relational trouble. 

A third irony. It is in the working through of conflict - usually competing agendas, philosophies or critical issues that the best solutions are found. Conflict avoidance solves nothing. Resolving the conflict by addressing the competing ideas or issues actually makes the organization a stronger one. The resolution may not satisfy everyone but getting everyone on the same page is far better than allowing competing agendas or ignoring issues.

We often avoid conflict out of fear that in naming the issue we will look like troublemakers. Ironically, our fear is usually unfounded. In most cases everyone is in the know that the conflict exists already. So in pretending that all is well when everyone knows it is not is pretty silly and solves nothing. How often do church boards or ministry teams ignore the elephants in the room that everyone knows exist.

In many cases, the other members of the group are glad that someone has simply named the elephant and at least opened the floor so that it can be discussed. Until someone names the issue that underlies the conflict nothing can be done. Once named it is an issue that can be discussed. 

As a leader I have had to work through conflictual issues with other leaders or staff on occasion. In every case, it has revealed either fault lines of misunderstanding, philosophy, direction or agendas. Without resolving those fault lines our ministry suffers from the divisions that fault lines bring. Resolution (which can take different forms) can bring unity and strength.

Whatever you do, don't ignore conflict which is an indication of fault lines you want to resolve.

Leadership challenge 101: managing our schedules

Managing our schedules so that they don't manage us is one of the most critical challenges every leader faces. Not only are leaders action oriented (we do stuff) but we face significant pressures from others for our time to say nothing of the many outside opportunities that come along. We find ourselves pulled and pressed and sometimes, don't have time for the most important things, or time at all!

If we are not careful, our schedules will manage us and it won't be pretty. If we can learn to manage our schedules life is a lot more productive. Leadership 101 is learning to schedule by priority in order to achieve the results we desire rather than to live accidentally. If you are a leader and struggle with your schedule you are in good company. We all do and learning to manage it better is key to maximizing our influence.

Managing our schedules starts with personal clarity about what we are called to do. There are people around us who have many ideas for what we could or should be doing (all good) but choices must be made and they need to be made on the basis of what we know is important for us. This presupposes that we have done the work of understanding who God made us to be, what He wants us to do and what is most important in our leadership role.

I know, for instance that I have four main responsibilities in my role. Having defined those, I am able to ensure that these key areas are not pushed aside by other activities and that they get scheduled first. 

Here are some practical pointers for managing one's schedule.

1. Identify what is important for you to do and what things others can and should do. As a rule, don't do what others can do.

2. Schedule ahead and ensure that the priorities for your work get scheduled first. Put in what is critical for you and then back-fill with other less important things.

3. Leave some margin so that the unexpected does not completely blow up your plans.

4. Talk to a trusted colleague about your schedule and allow them to weigh in on what is truly important and what is nice but ancillary. My wife can be irritatingly correct about some things I say yes to which she knows are not the highest priorities and which will steal my margin.

5. Evaluate your schedule monthly to ensure that the big rocks are being accomplished and not being pushed out by the sand and pebbles.

6. Get comfortable about saying no to nice opportunities that should not have your name on them. 

7. Think grey about opportunities until you need to commit to them. Doing so gives you the opportunity to think and pray them through without committing prematurely.

8. Always schedule in think time so that you are doing the leadership work of thinking for your team or organization. No one else will do your thinking for you. It is part of  what leaders do.

9. If you are consistently behind or missing obligations it is a sign that one needs to rethink the schedule and commitments. If it is important it should get done - on time (speaking to myself here).

10. Develop rhythms. Doing key work consistently develops habits that allow you to work efficiently.  

Fear based leadership

There are ministry leaders whose primary leadership trait is that of fear. Before any decision is made, there are endless discussions of whether the decision is right, lots of second guessing, revisiting of the issue, dragging feet on pulling the trigger and anxiety about whether they should move forward or not. If some leaders are too impulsive, fear based leaders are so risk adverse and fearful of something going wrong that they become paralyzed by that fear.


This is crazy making for staff who want to get on with things and become frustrated when their decisions or recommendations get the same scrutiny, questions, and reservations as their boss's. Endless meetings are had, issues rehashed time and again, decisions made and then revisited. 


Why? Because the senior leader is so driven by not making a mistake, not communicating something improperly, not doing something that might fail. It is caution gone amok. It causes him or her not only to scrutinize their own decisions but those of others and leads to micromanaging the work of others out of the same fear. It is fear based leadership and is not true leadership at all.


Fearful leadership comes out of a lack of self confidence, deep anxiety about making a bad call and fear of what others will think if they make a poor decision. The fear paralysis of the leader becomes a paralysis for the organization as a whole. Because leading is about being in front of others, leading them into the future, fear based leadership is not leadership at all but is really just the opposite: keeping the organization from moving forward out of an abundance of caution. 


Fear based leaders need serious coaching or counseling to get at the root of the fear that haunts them. Unless they can understand those fears and face them they will not be able to lead or if they do will not attract and keep other good staff. 


If you suffer from decision making fear ask yourself, "What is the absolute worst thing that could happen if the decision went south?" How likely is that worst thing to happen? If it did would it be so bad? One soon realizes that the fear is not only unfounded but silly when you play out the scenario.