When we take up the offense of others

Some of the most difficult situations I have to deal with as an organizational leader are those who call my office angry and unhappy and irrational over an issue that they have no first hand knowledge of. They have taken up someone else's issue and have gone on a crusade.

The reason these are such difficult situations is this. First, because they don't have first hand knowledge one cannot have a rational conversation about what really happened. All they know is what they "heard" happened and in the context of anger, hurt and raw emotions. Thus this is not a conversation about facts but perceived facts and emotional reactions. Conversations that cannot be focused around objective facts are usually conversations that cannot be resolved. 

Second, the conversations are crazy making because those who take up other's offences usually do not reveal that fact. It is clear from the conversation that there is an issue behind the issue (some one else's offence) but it is never stated so one has a hard time getting at it. If I sense there is an underlying issue I will often probe as to what it is and try to get to the heart of the matter. Dealing with side issues does not help one resolve the real - underlying issues. Unless that is put on the table there is no resolution.

Third, because these conversations are not about facts since first hand knowledge is no present, it ends up being about perceptions and anger. Perceptions of others are usually wrong and anger cannot be resolved without dealing with facts. And facts cannot be established without those with first hand knowledge present. 

Finally these are no win conversations because those who take up the offense of others have no way to move on because they cannot resolve "facts." So while the person whose offense they picked up moves on eventually those who picked up the offense did not and cannot.

When there is conflict, the goal must always be to achieve reconciliation. The goal is to come to understanding and achieve a level of peace. When I take up someone else's offence, however, I am doing just the opposite, enlarging the conflict rather than minimizing it: I cannot solve it for others; my own anger spills over to others; I have no objectivity in the situation and because it is not my issue, I cannot find resolution. It is a no win situation and does nothing to bring reconciliation or peace.

Picking up someone else's offense is foolish, bad EQ, unbliblical and causes relational havoc beyond what was necessary. It is one thing to seek to help resolve an issue in a healthy and productive manner. But once you take up another's offense there is no good way out.  

The baton has passed: My father's death

My father went to heaven today at age 86. In some ways I lost him a number of years ago when dementia set in but today it was final - for this world. He left ten children, many grand and great grandchildren and many spiritual children.

My life changed today. I am not sure all the ways but I know it did. I will know it next week as well as we lower a casket into a grave.

There is no longer a generation of men ahead of me to die. I am now on the front lines. Mortality took a step closer. I cannot pretend. The grave is ample proof. My father said as much to me years ago when his father died. It was a rare instance of transparency into his heart. He was a private man but less so as the years went by.

Legacy now passes to me. I am part of my father's legacy and it is now mine to pass one on to my children: Jon, Chip and grandson Gavrel. Like my father's it will be flawed by living in a fallen world but still I have choices and those choices and example and relationships and life become the legacy I will one day leave. There is much that I can treasure about the legacy I was handed. There is much I can do about the legacy I hand off. 

Life is precious but it is also limited which is why heaven becomes even more precious. For it is unlimited in its time (there is none), its person (Jesus), and it's wonder. As C.S. Lewis wrote, it is the home we were truly made for. It is the home father was made for and he has now looked into the loving eyes of the One he served and loved. Like Paul, he fought the good fight. Like Paul, not perfectly, but like Paul not timidly either.

There is no unfinished business between us. Fortunately we took care of that years ago. It won't be long until we are reunited as he today is with parents, family and other friends who went before. I am sure there is a party taking place somewhere even as we grieve but grieve well for a life well lived. 

Finishing well is the challenge all of us have. Dad finished well. I desire to finish well. It makes the leaving ever so much more easy for the one who leaves and the ones who are left. For believers there are no final good by's, just temporary ones. 

See also, Legacy. Thoughts on my dad

Controlling conversations

Whenever a conversation starts to feel uncomfortable and one that seems to be deliberately putting you in a corner rather than allowing for freedom of dialogue, pay attention! Conversations that don't feel good or safe probably are not. 

This is not about conversations where two parties might disagree with one another. That is normal. This is about conversations that feel designed to control you, force you to a specific conclusion or force you to agree to something that you don't feel comfortable agreeing to.

Feeling uncomfortable in a conversation is often a sign that you are in an unhealthy conversation that will not end well if it continues. More about that in a moment.

Some people are masters at manipulating others. Most of us are not but the warning signal to us is a feeling of discomfort. That manipulation can come in the form of vigorous debate designed to get you to agree. It may come in the form of veiled or not so veiled threats if they are in a position of authority. It can come in the form of anger which one wants to dissuade, often by agreement. It may come in the form of "facts" that are not facts at all but broad generalizations that sound true but leave a question in your mind. I recently spoke with an individual regarding some issues of disagreement and he kept saying, "T.J. you know...." He was using gratuitous language to flatter me into agreeing with him.

Manipulation is just that. And its sign is discomfort or a feeling that this is not a two sided conversation but a one sided conversation. Manipulation is trying to force other to agree with us. It reflects dis-health in the one using it and we should be aware when it happens.

How can I respond if I am feeling manipulated or controlled in a conversation. Here are some suggestions:

• "It feels to me that you want me to agree with you and frankly I don't."
• "I think it would be helpful to have a third party in on this conversation because I am feeling pushed to agree with you."
• "Is this a two way dialogue or must I agree with your point of view?"
• "While I respect your opinion, you need to know that I don't agree with you but it feels that I must if we are going to keep a relationship."
• "I am feeling uncomfortable with where this conversation is going and I would like to put it off for another time."

With any of these comments you are gently but honestly calling the other party on their behavior and your discomfort. They are not used to people confronting them and will usually back off. Whatever you do, don't be manipulated by manipulators.

Criticism is easy. Real solutions are not!

Wise leaders observe things closely but do not criticize things quickly. As critical thinkers they are always aware of gaps between where we are and where we desire to be but they are also aware that closing those gaps is not as easy a proposition as it may seem. 

In my experience, criticism is often directed primarily against other people while the real problems are often systems and processes more than they are people. Thus the criticism of people rather than thinking critically about the process or system is often unfair and misguided. It also then becomes personal when the real solution is usually impersonal.

A few years ago I became impatient about our ability in ReachGlobal to deliver on our clarity at the team level. I pushed my senior staff rather hard to close the gap and I think they felt the pressure. When I finally hired a consultant to help us think through our processes the solution was actually pretty simple - some simple tools to bridge the gap between our vision and clarity and our execution and the problem was not inherently with people but with our process. I had been somewhat critical of leaders when the solution was a simple tool that we now use regularly. The problem was not people but process. 

That insight spawned a whole new set of simple tools for us that actually come out of lean industry and manufacturing but which we call ministry excellence. When something is not going right we have  a tool to examine and understand the process we use and almost always the solution is in the process or system, not in a negligent individual. Usually we not only solve the issue but find other efficiencies as well.

Today I am far slower to criticize people and quicker to ask about our systems to find out why something is not working the way it should. Sometimes it does come down to a person who is in the wrong place but more often than not it does not. I also want to resist the easy criticism that pervades so many organizations.

What leaders wish their staff understood about their role

There are many things leaders wish their staff understood about what they do. While there may be a  mystique about leadership, the realities are very different. So on behalf of many leaders, this is what I wish my staff understood (and many do) about what my life looks like as a leader. I am sure many other leaders have similar thoughts - if they could share them.

• On most days I love what I do. It is how God wired me.

• My greatest discouragements are not from the outside but from what people do or say within the organization.

• Criticism is easy. Real solutions are not! I don't have the luxury of criticizing. I must find solutions.

• I respond poorly to cynicism toward leaders and leadership. My calling is a calling just as yours is.

• My work never goes away, not even on vacation. Not Ever! Ask my children and my wife!

• Part of my job is to clean up messes that others make - quietly. 

• I don't mind criticism but I do have a heart (really) and how it is conveyed is important.

• It can be a lonely job as I cannot share everything that I am dealing with.

• Even leaders need encouragement when it is sincere.

• If you wonder what I do with my time it is all on my calendar and you may see it. I share my daily schedule with those who pray for me on a monthly basis.

• I desire the same respect from my staff as I give to them.

• I need your prayer daily. I pray daily for wisdom, favor and empowerment. I know how frail I and needy I am.

• If I sometimes seem distracted, please don't take it personally. I have a lot on my mind seeking to integrate all that our ministry does rather than simply one facet of the ministry.

• When I travel I take all my work with me including the hundred fifty plus emails I get daily. While others can disconnect, leaders cannot. Mornings start early and evenings end late. Sleeping in hotel beds 150+ nights a year is not a perk but a challenge!

• I have the joy and responsibility of sharing the blessings of success with our staff (who make great things happen) and taking responsibility for failures (no matter who made it happen) when they occur. 

• When I make a mistake it is more visible than when you do. I may require a lot more grace as well because of it. Some notice when you blow it. Everyone notices when I do.

• While I wish I could, I cannot meet all the expectations that people have for me and must focus on those things that God clearly wired and gifted me for. It is hard but necessary to say a gracious no. By the way, like you, I am only good at a few things and those are the ones I need to focus on.

• Because of my leadership visibility I will be misunderstood for things I do and say no matter what. I wish for the same grace and benefit of the doubt that I give to others. 

• When I do create questions I would prefer you ask me what I meant rather than talk to others. They don't know my heart, I do. I am always willing to talk.

• As a leader I can be a friend to staff (and want a highly collegial ethos) but there are boundaries because of my leadership role. Not all understand this.

• I am not the leader who came before me and not the one who will come after me. I am me! 

• Like you, I am accountable. All of us are including me. Like you, I answer for my decisions and work. If anything, my accountability is higher because my responsibility is higher.

• There are many things I don't have answers for and will not pretend that I do. I do a lot of thinking and pondering and dialogue and learning. I have learned that answers to complexity does not come easily. 

• I am deeply appreciative of the staff I work with. Whatever we accomplish is a team effort. I thank God daily for every one of them.

• As I said, on most days (including today - so far)  I love my job!

A prayer on election day

Our Father in Heaven:

We ask today that you would be gracious to us today as a nation. We don't deserve your mercy and grace but we humbly ask for it. We confess our shortcomings as a nation and realize that you are the only solution. We confess our corporate sins and ask for your mercy and forgiveness. We pray that your grace would cover our nation as the waters cover the sea.

No matter what the outcome of the election we know we are a divided nation. We pray that the church itself may be a source of healing to our country and that the Gospel can become well known.  May our confidence not be in any party or elected leaders but in a sovereign God who reigns supreme over all nations and peoples. 

Give us as your followers a Christian world view that no party or platform can articulate. Help us to think Christianly about the social, political, ethical, and global issues of our day. May we daily seek your mercy, ask for your wisdom, pray for our leaders and for the peace of our globe. Help us to reflect your mercy, to act with your justice and to walk humbly before you in all things. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven for the glory of your Son.

May our minds, hearts, priorities and relationships be renewed daily through your Holy Spirit. May our Jesus centered lives be a challenge to all those we come into contact with. May your concerns become our concerns and your love our love! May your Name become well known and your reputation lifted high through the love of Your chosen people. My You be our highest priority, our greatest love, and our deepest concern!

Amen

Leaders and their reputations

A byproduct of leadership is a level of viability that many of us don't really want but which comes with the territory. Along with that visibility comes a vulnerability from those who are unhappy with us for decisions that are made and who choose to take shots at our reputation in return. Sometimes it is out of spite and anger. Other times it is out of a lack of understanding that we are not at liberty to clarify. Either way it can be painful for all of us care about our reputations.

This can be especially painful for leaders who have a need to be popular. That is an unhealthy need for leaders. We should desire to be respected but we give up the contest for popularity if we choose to lead. Inherent in leadership is the need to make unpopular decisions at times. 

Leaders are naturally targets when those they lead or others are looking for one. While there are many ways in which leadership can be a deeply fulfilling calling, this is not one of them. This is one of the costs of leadership rather than one of the perks. It is a cost we willingly take on with leadership which is why Peter says that leaders need to be willing to lead. 

How do leaders handle the painful shots that come their way? First, we must realize that ultimately our reputation is in the hands of God. David realized this in Psalm 37 and 73, two Psalms that have been of immense help to me over the years when the the missiles were particularly painful. 

Reputation management by ourselves does not work but God is completely able to handle our reputation in His way and in His time. When we focus on managing our reputation we are focused on the wrong thing. When we focus on doing what is right we are focused on the right thing.

While leaders are not able to share everything, a candid, open spirit can go a long ways to generate trust and understanding. The more open leaders are, the more accessible they become to those they lead. And, while others may not keep their emotions and anger in check toward us, it is important that we do toward others, even those who may not deserve it. Except on rare occasions, and with purpose, leaders seek to de-escelate conflict even when it is targeted at them. This is why I write so often on issues of EQ and leadership. The ability to manage our emotions is a large part of good leadership.

The ability to dialogue with those who become our critics can in many cases win them over, especially if we can speak honestly without losing our relational connection. This does not work with black and white people for whom you are either right or wrong but it does work with reasonable people. When your critics understand that you desire to hear and understand their point of view, even if you don't agree with them, it helps build bridges rather than walls. This is usually a learned skill and a very important one.

This is not possible without a non-defensive spirit, even when we are the targets. Defensiveness escalates the issue while non-defensiveness de-escalates. This is not an easy thing to do in the face of unkind words or actions but one that is a necessary leadership trait. The issue, after all, is often not really about us but about the organization and its direction and philosophy. The more impersonal we can keep the issues, the better chance we have to see resolution. The more we can keep issues impersonal and relationships personal, the better chance we have at resolution and understanding.

None of this means that we simply accept behaviors that are damaging to our organization or team. There are times when we need to be defining and clear about words and behaviors. This is not about us but about the health of the organization. When doing so it is critical to put it in writing or say what needs to be said in the presence of another so that there is clarity and accountability. 

Leaders bear greater responsibility than others especially when they become targets fairly or unfairly. How we respond to shots at our reputation is a test of our leadership.