The courage to have a direct conversation

It takes courage to have a direct and candid conversation with someone that we have a difference with. Too often, rather than speaking directly we speak to others hoping that they will influence or set straight those we have an issue with. It does not work! Rather it creates even more misunderstanding and chaos than if we had simply sat down to dialogue with the other individual.

If I have an issue with another individual it is my responsibility to deal directly with them, or they with me. Avoidance creates more distance and asking others to deal with it for us is a lack of courage. Hoping the issue will just go away is wishful thinking. It is a Matthew 18 thing!

I spoke to a pastor today who had been dealing with a number of elders who were at odds with him. He had avoided direct discussion of the issues for a number of years hoping that he could build the bridges necessary for resolution. It did not work. When he finally addressed the individuals directly they decided that they no longer wanted to serve in church leadership and for the first time in many years he has a unified and aligned group of leaders. Everything changed, but not before he had the courage to have a direct conversation and address the real issues.

We can run from a barking dog, hide from a barking dog or walk toward a barking dog. Today I do the last! I may not get agreement or resolution (the ideal) but at least I will get clarity and have done my part to deal with the relational disconnect. What I will not do is ignore the issues, hide from them or hope someone else will solve them for me. 

Jesus was always direct. He spoke with grace and truth but he did not dodge issues that were in front of Him. Neither should we.  Is there someone you need to have a conversation with?

Two phrases we ought to use more often

The first is "thank you." All of us have much to be thankful for from those around us whether family, friends, colleagues or staff. It is easy to fall into complacency and forget to thank them for what they do. This is especially true with staff who work hard. We ought to thank them often and specifically. Not to do so is to take them for granted: think of the hole they would leave if they were not there!

The second is "I am sorry." Or, "I blew it." When we blow it we ought to have the honesty and courage to admit it. That simple admission says a lot to those around us. It tells them that we care about them, that we have a measure of humility and that we understand our own humanity.

Both phrases say something about us: We care about others and we are other focused rather than us focused. There is the building of humility in both. 

Powerful phrases. Use them often.

An interesting and challenging job of staff

One of the jobs of staff is to keep their leader out of trouble: From making poor decisions, driving down the wrong road or ignoring warning signs that they need to be aware of. It is not always an easy job depending on one's leader but it is important because bad decisions by our leader carry consequences for the organization, its staff and its mission.

Some leaders (the healthy ones) both welcome and expect candid feedback and counsel. They are under no illusions that they are always right and seek the widest counsel possible. Other leaders frankly are not very open and it is a more delicate matter.

I have worked for both kinds of leaders. For those that are sensitive about counsel or feedback, one needs to think through an approach that will be most likely to be heard. All of us respond in different ways and I am sure my own staff think through how they can best address issues with me. That is not a bad thing, it is a wise thing.

It is easy for staff who see a potential train wreck coming to keep their heads down and their mouths shut but this is a shirking of responsibility - with the exception of highly narcissistic leaders for whom no feedback is productive. Whether our leader takes our advice or counsel is not our responsibility - sharing our concerns is because the health of the organization is at stake.

And if we are leaders we ought to invite such feedback and counsel. We decide how easy it is for our staff to engage us. And that is a measure of our own EQ and humility. 

SOLEQ - For a definition read on...

It stands for Sudden Onset Low EQ and comes from a colleague of mine. I found it humorous and true because all of us suffer from it at times. Symptoms include: the sharp remark, the biting email, the throw away comment that hurts, unnecessary irritation with others, inappropriate anger and each of us can fill in the personal list for ourselves.

It is worth thinking about since good relationships are all about good EQ - knowing and controlling our impulses which emanate from our emotions. SOLEQ can cause us to lose relational coinage and therefore influence. 

In addition, instances of SOLEQ are indications that we have unfinished  business with ourselves. We ought to ask, "Why did that situation push a button in me?" When buttons are pushed that cause emotional responses it is more about us than those who pushed the button. 

Someone asked me recently how long it takes to develop really good EQ. I said "a lifetime." It is an ongoing process of learning ourselves and controlling our emotions, impulses and responses in appropriate ways. The issue is to be aware of when we respond in less than an appropriate way, keep short accounts and ask ourselves how we can handle it differently in the future.

And, thanks to a candid colleague, I have a new acronym. 

Theology for non-theologians

Theology is a word from a Greek word that combines the words "God" and "study of," therefore it means the study of God. By definition, every believer, or follower of Jesus is also a student of God and understanding Him. 

Obviously this means that we are regular readers of the Scriptures. This is where our churches can be a huge encouragement to the body to be regularly in the text. I am deeply encouraged by whole congregations that are reading through the Bible together. Ministries like Bible Study Fellowship, Precepts and others make huge contributions to the body in this regard.

Every believer should understand and be able to define key biblical words and concepts that define theology: incarnation, redemption, reconciliation, the fall, sanctification, gospel, salvation, creation, the image of God, heaven, hell and sin. These and other words come directly from the Bible and are absolutely key to the understanding of who God is, what he has done for us, his eternal plan and our place in that plan. This is not exhaustive obviously but illustrates the point.

I have another conviction. Almost all of us have the ability to read and understand books on theology. There are many theological books that are very accessible to the average but discerning reader. We read many books on the Christian life. What about reading books that directly help us understand who God is from those who have spent a lifetime studying Him?

In addition there are many online courses available today from great Christian colleges and seminaries. My challenge is that however we do it that we regularly are learning more about God, His Word and the central themes of Scripture. Central themes of Scripture should be known and understood by His followers.

I titled this blog "Theology for non-theologians." The truth is that every believer is by definition a theologian. The question is whether we are good theologians or poor theologians. 

The power of simplicity

Too many ministries suffer from the confusion of complexity. That complexity keeps leaders and staff from focusing on what is most important by the distractions of all the possible things we could be doing. And there are many!

The most productive organizations and staff are those who have taken the time to simplify the complexity of their work, understand what is most critical and focus on those key areas. They also have taken the time to message that simplicity so that everyone in the organization (or part of the organization they lead) gets it. 

Remember:

Ministry is complex

Complexity is confusing

The job of leaders is to simplify complexity

It is that simple! But it is hard work to get there.

Can you clarify in one sentence what your organization is about and in a second sentence how you accomplish that mission? Can you clarify on one sheet of paper what is truly critical for your ministry? If not it is too complex. Or we are not yet clear!

The second question is whether one can clearly articulate what they do personally. While there are many ancillary things I do, I can spell out my four areas of focus with four big rocks and can therefore organize my life around those four rocks. 

Simplicity is all about clarity. Until our complexity is made simple we are not clear on what is most important. 

Leadership altitude: What altitude are you flying at?

Choosing intentionality is really about the ability to fly at the appropriate altitude and stay there. This is all about understanding our priorities and the kinds of issues we need to deal with at our level of leadership. It is a key difference between people who develop deep influence and those who do not.


Our altitude makes a difference because it determines whether or not we are able to pay attention to the issues that we must pay attention to or whether we allow ourselves to become distracted – dipping down to a lower altitude than we should – and in the process disempowering others and wasting precious time and opportunity.

I often tell my staff that if I am going to lead well, I need to be able to fly at 50,000 feet, where I can see the horizon from all directions, think, plan, strategize and consider the macro issues or organization faces. No one else will do that for me. So if I don’t do it, it won’t get done.

Flying at that altitude I often see what is happening at lower altitudes (where various levels of leadership live and lead) and there is always the temptation to dip down and try to deal with issues at lower altitudes personally. Whenever I do that, I disempower others and I involve myself with issues that I really don’t need to deal with.

Every time I choose to dip down and deal with issues that others can deal with I lose altitude in my own leadership that costs me time and energy. This is why I challenged a ministry leader not to get pulled into meetings where he was not needed. When he dips down from 50,000 feet to 10,000 feet, he is both compromising his own responsibilities and he is pushing into issues that belong to someone at the 10,000 foot level. This disempowers others who have been tasked at that level.

I often talk to pastoral staff whose senior leader loves to dip down at inopportune times and “fine tune” what they are doing. In one case, a senior leaders who lives by the seat of his pants would breeze in on a Friday afternoon, look at the service plan and frequently make changes to fit his desires. What he just did was to disempower the staff member responsible for that service. That meeting should have taken place weeks before and then he should have let the worship leader make the decisions he or she needed to make.

Part of my intentionality is to fly at the attitude I need to fly at and empower others to fly at their altitude – and as much as possible not to interfere with their work. Because I have a monthly check in with each of my reports, we have a chance to dialogue with one another over critical issues but my job as their leader is not to redo their work but to enable them to accomplish their responsibilities and help them fly at their correct altitude.

If I fly at 50,000 feet, my senior team flies at 40,000 feet, giving leadership in their own areas. On their teams are folks who fly at various altitudes in order to fulfill their unique ministry roles. Pilots that decide to fly at an altitude not assigned to them run the risk of crashing with a plane at a different altitude. The same is true for leaders who violate their or others responsibilities. A crash often occurs and influence is lost.

This happened to one of my leadership staff years ago who regularly chose to descend to a lower altitude and essentially get into issues that he should not have. In the process, he lost the trust of those who were tasked with those issues because they felt violated, not in the loop and saddled with the implications of decisions he made at altitudes he should not have been at. Others had to live with the impact of his decisions, yet they had not had any voice in the decision itself.

Knowing the altitude we ought to be flying at and empowering others to fly at their altitude with minimal interference is a part of our intentionality – and the intentionality of others. If frequent interference is needed we either have someone who is not competent to fly at their altitude or we have not learned how to empower others appropriately.

One of the secrets to being able to fly at your altitude is to build a team around you that can take care of issues that you are frankly not good at. I am really terrible at small details: they take me too much time, fall between the cracks and slow me down. Having an administrative assistant who loves details and gets them done in a heartbeat is huge for me. The better the team we can build around us the more possible it is for us to stay in our sweet spot and fly at our correct altitude.