Ten ways to create unnecessary chaos in relationships

In recent days I have had my share of brushing up against chaotic and conflictual relationships between individuals or groups. What I have seen is messy, probably unnecessary and certainly painful but it got me thinking of the many ways that we can create unnecessary and painful chaos in relationships.

One. Triangulate with others instead of going to the source. When I share my issues about another person with anyone other than that person, I have brought them into my issue and often into an alliance with me against others. When you think about that, how crazy is that! It does not solve the problem but rather enlarges the circle of those who now have problems but who cannot solve them because their problem is a problem by proxy (actually our problem) but not theirs.

Two: Copy emails about conflictual situations to those who are not involved. Of course once you do that they are now involved and often others get inadvertently roped in. Why do we copy emails to people who have not business getting them? It is usually a power play or a way to bring in others to "our side" and it certainly enlarges the circle of mistrust, doubt and information.

Three: Sharing second or third hand information. Second hand information is not usually real information. At least it is often highly suspect because no matter what if it is second hand we don't know all the facts but just some of the facts. We ought not share what we don't know about another person's experience. 

Four: Going on a crusade against another individual or group. There are people who believe that they need to solve problems that they are not in a position to solve but they go on a crusade to do so anyway. I am not talking about a "whistle blower" situation but especially in Christian circles, taking matters into our own hands to take care of situations that are more likely the purview of a church or ministry board to deal with. There are many dysfunctional situations I may know about but do nothing about because they are not my purview to solve. 

Five: Planting seeds of distrust against another by sharing gossip or even "facts" that they can do nothing about. If people need to know, the right people need to know, not the wrong people. Too often we don't discriminate on that score. 

Six; Ignoring issues that we are in a place to deal with and the responsible person. Often, leaders who are conflict adverse don't deal with issues they know are problematic and therefore allow the dysfunctions to spill over among others. This is the source of much pain in the local church when leaders choose not to confront behaviors that are problematic.

Seven: Not telling people the truth. Truth should be shared graciously and only with the right people but if we have issues we need to share those issues in the right way and at the right time. Then we need to leave those issues with those who are in a position and who have the responsibility to do something about it. What they do is not my responsibility. Being honest with them is.

Eight: Demonize those who disagree with you or who are the objects of your unhappiness. It happens all the time in Christian circles. We divide the world into good people and bad people, righteous and unrighteous. Is life that easy? and which group would we be in? In this world view we are in whatever group someone else puts us in. Life is not that easy. Good and Godly people can do and say unfortunate things but it does not make them worthy of demonization.  We ought to be happy that Jesus does not see us that way.

Nine: Taking up someone else's issue as ours. Another form of triangulation. Your issues are yours and mine are mine. I can give you counsel or take your counsel but the issues are still either yours or mine. When I take up your issue, I get involve in conflict that is not my own. I am always ready to mediate conflict but I do not want to get involved in the issues of others that I cannot solve.

Ten: Being unwilling to be a third party to solve relational difficulties. "Blessed are the peacemakers" says Jesus. What would happen if every time we heard there was conflict we offered our services to seek to resolve the conflict rather than get involved in the conflict itself. The world would be a different place.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Facts, gossip, innuendo and assumptions

There is a big difference between facts, gossip, innuendo and assumptions. The facts can be verified. The other three are hearsay and often if not usually wrong. Yet it is very easy to assume that the latter three are "facts" and many do.

I have seen a number of situations recently where there was circulation of information that was heavy on gossip, innuendo and assumptions but the facts were in short supply. Why? Because those circulating the information did not have first hand information - only what they had heard or assumptions they had made. Or, they had taken what they heard and made assumptions about motives and what the "truth" was. 

Such is the destruction of many relationships and the root of much conflict in organizations and churches. Not truth that we are sure of but rather gossip, innuendo and assumptions that "we are sure of" and feel free to share with others. Who wins? Not Jesus who is full of grace and truth but the Evil One who is the father of all lies.

Even facts can be interpreted wrongly if we assume wrong motives. All facts are suspect if we assume there is a bad agenda behind them. Again, we must be careful as to what motivation we attribute because it is very hard to judge motivations. We can make statements about behaviors but rarely about the motivations behind the behaviors.

All of us ought to be wary of information that we don't know to be true. And even then we ought to  be wary of judging the motivations behind the "facts." If we get either wrong we may well be playing into the hand of the Evil One.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Does Missions separate families?

Check out this great article on whether missions separates families and the implications of  letting our family member go for the sake of the gospel.

When board members don't get their way

One of the reasons that I believe humility is so important for those serving on a church board (and other ministry boards) is that we must be willing to allow the board to make decisions and then set aside our personal preferences and accept that decision. It is the way boards are supposed to operate but unfortunately there are often board members who refuse to give up their pet issues or put issues to rest that the board has decided. It causes frustration for other board members and can often lead to dysfunction on the board.

There are some individuals who cannot give up their issues no matter how often the board decides differently. The issues just keep coming up and the board member just keeps pushing. Such an individual does not belong on the board because they do not have the humility or flexibility to allow the board to make corporate decisions - decide issues - and move on. It is what boards do.

What drives such frustrating behavior? It can be a lack of humility. It can be a personal agenda. It can be that they are just inflexible individuals and they elevate their preferences to the only solution even when the majority disagrees. I often get push-back when I suggest one must guard the gate to church leadership. Some believe that all that matters is that someone loves Jesus. That is just foolishness! When individuals do not allow the board to operate as it should they hurt the board, the leadership and the church. I often tell congregations that they get what they deserve when they don't guard the gate.

Boards need to learn how to clarify expectations of board behavior and they need to learn how to police renegade board members. If you have someone who will not let an issue go in the face of board action, ask them to step off. They simply don't understand how boards work.

See also
Rethinking leadership selection in the church

Eight dysfunctions of church governance boards

Dumb things church boards do

Board members and their intellectual capacity

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Loud voices are not necessarily majority voices

We make a major mistake in the church when we simply assume that loud dissenting voices reflect the will of the congregation. Often they don't. In fact, in many cases, they reflect the voices of themselves and a few friend but not the congregation at large. It may seem like they do because of the noise but be very careful in your assumptions. Often it is just noise.

I have worked in a significant number of situations where churches were in crisis. That crisis was sometimes caused by the pastor or congregants. What I have learned is that what is presented at the outset is often not what I discover upon due diligence. And that the analysis given to me by strong figures in the church (pastor or lay) is often not representative of the church at large.

I am not discounting the perspective of those loud voices. Often, their perspective makes sense even when it does not reflect the will of the majority. What I am saying is that one needs to be careful not to make assumptions as to the legitimacy of the claims until one has done due diligence and can substantiate claims one way or another. That is why I think "grey" in conflictual situations until I have run my process. Grey thinking means that I am listening and observing without drawing concrete solutions until I have all the facts, not some of the facts.

One needs to listen carefully to both loud and quiet voices in any conflict situation. Often the quite voices are more prescient and accurate that the loud voices who get the most attention. What it appears on the surface is not always what is true in the end. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

If I could do it over as a young leader I would have...

If I could do it over as a young leader..

I would have been less defensive when people pushed back at me

I would have had fewer hills to die on

I would have been more flexible

I would have worked harder to stay connected to people who didn't like me

I would have lived with less anxiety

I would have been more patient in achieving our goals

I would have trusted God more and me less

I would have said "I don't know" more often

I would have cared a bit less as to what people thought of me

I would have been more comfortable just being me

I would not have tied my identity to my ministry job

I would have been more gracious and diplomatic

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

The important role of wisdom and discernment in leadership

I have met leaders in the Christian arena who are deeply political and find ways to negotiate their agenda by alliances and tactics that would make Washington proud. At the other end of the spectrum are leaders who have rejected that approach and simply believe that if they do the right thing (sans politics) that they are leading well, no matter what the consequences. 

I would like to propose a third alternative: Leading in wisdom and discernment. As was said about David in Psalm 78, "David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them." Skillful hands refers to a leadership that was rich in wisdom and discernment. 

Political leadership is maneuvering, manipulating and plotting to get one's agenda. Wisdom is about discerning how to move forward in a way that is productive while understanding the dynamics of organizational leadership and people but without manipulation or coercion. 

Wisdom and discernment does take into account potential individuals or groups who may not want to play ball or cooperate with a leader's decision or direction because that is wise. The difference is in how we seek to achieve our agenda. By manipulation and outsmarting or through discernment and wisdom as how best to proceed? It is being in the words of Jesus as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." This can mean understanding the political agendas of others and responding appropriately without being political or manipulative ourselves.

Too many Christian leaders get outsmarted by people who have ill motives and personal agendas because we cannot believe that someone would play dirty: they are naive. That is where shrewdness comes in - understanding where others are coming from and what their agenda may be. Innocence comes in when we don't respond with the same tactics. While I don't want to stoop to unhealthy tactics I also want to be highly discerning about the actions and motives of others who can and sometimes do hurt ministry.

Wisdom and discernment require time to think and ponder key decisions that we are thinking about making. Is the timing right? How will they be received? Who is going to push back and why? What are the potential unintended consequences? Whose agreement would it be wise to have on the front end? How do we communicate the decision? And so on. In fact, as a leader I want to be one step ahead of others rather than one step back. That is discernment! And wisdom.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

What does it take to preserve congregational unity?

Congregational unity is a very precious commodity. In Ephesians 4:1-6, Paul pleads with the Ephesians to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." The phrase "make every effort" is from a Greek word that is hard to translate into English because it has a strong sense of urgency to it. It is vital, important, urgent and critical in Paul's words. 

Who is responsible for church unity? Everyone: Church leaders, senior pastors and the congregation as a whole. No one is exempt and no one can expect others to make the effort if they do not. For pastors it means that we don't move too quickly and cause division in the body and that we listen carefully and respond as we can. For church leaders it means that we ensure that we are all moving in the same direction together and for everyone it means that we are willing to work together and care about one another.

In fact, Paul gives us four relational and character non-negotiables to living in unity and again it applies to pastors, congregations and leaders in Ephesians 4:1-6.

One: Humility. Pride wants our way and it splits congregations. Humility is willing to subjugate our personal preferences for the common good and the mission of the church. Whenever there is conflict in a church you can bet that there is a lack of humility and an excess of pride. I am always bemused when I say to a congregation in conflict that they have a problem with pride. The push-back is immediate and it says a lot. We don't like to hear it but when we protest too much it is probably true. 

Two: Gentleness. Harshness leads to wounds, hurt, conflict and division. It may be harsh words, harsh attitudes, harsh actions or harsh spirits - all of them contribute to division and none of them contribute to peace and unity. And harshness never expresses the way of Jesus who does not break the bruised reed and who exercises such great tenderness toward us. Is it not ironic that the Jesus we worship and follow is never harsh with us while we find it easy to be harsh toward others? Gentleness leads to peace and unity while harshness leads to conflict and disunity.

Three: Patience. Think of how patient Jesus is with us and how impatient we are with others. Critical spirits, complaints and bad attitudes are often symptoms of impatience. Grace is all about patience. Do others deserve it? We often think not. Do we deserve it? Not at all but God graciously gives it. Patience is the character of Jesus and it must become ours. Without patience with one another there cannot be unity and peace in our relationships.

Four: Bearing with one another in love. This is about being willing to look beyond the faults and deficiencies of others and see what can be and should be in their lives. It is substituting love for judgement and seeing people as those made in the image of God regardless of their faults, issues or idiosyncrasies. It is giving grace to others and loving them unconditionally.

Unity does not come easily just as the cross of Jesus that is the reason we can be united with him and with one another did not come easily. But if he was willing to give his life for us, why are we not willing to seek the unity of the Spirit with one another?  In fact, Paul starts this section with the words, "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Paul was in jail for his calling. He exhorts the Ephesians and us to pay the price for the unity of the body just as he is paying the price for his calling as an apostle. 

Guard the unity of the church: As pastors; as leaders; and as congregants.

 

The top fifty countries where it's most difficult to be a Christian

Home > Archives > 2015 > January

INTERNATIONAL; RELIGIOUS FREEDOM; RESEARCH

'Not Forgotten': The Top 50 Countries Where It's Most Difficult To Be A Christian

Open Doors says 2014 saw the worst persecution of Christians in the 'modern era'—but not because of violence.

Church conflict and the need for the Holy Spirit to overshadow our own agendas.

I am working with a church in deep conflict. I have a lot of experience in such issues and have come to the conclusion that we can diagnose the problem, understand how we got here and chart a path forward but it is all worthless unless the Holy Spirit shows up and bring an end to our agendas, spiritual pride and calls us to the unity that He represents. 

The first verses in Ephesians 4 says it all: As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Seven times we see the word "one." Yet in order for oneness to reign there needs to be humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance and love. Without that there is no one. Yet that is the calling we received. 

All too often it is our pride (instead of humility), harshness (instead of gentleness), impatience (instead of patience), lack of forbearance (instead of understanding) and hatred (instead of love) that fuels disunity rather than unity. Unity is only possible when we live together in humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance and love. Yet that is the calling we have received according to Paul. When we live contrary to those characteristics we are not living out the calling of Jesus.

Church conflict makes me very sad. We want winners and losers when Jesus wants the One Spirit to reign over all of us. Every time we divide we declare that there is not one Lord (before whose cross we all knees), there is not one Spirit (who inhabits each of us) and there is not one God who ultimately reigns over us. We can divide but the Spirit unites. We can get our own way but it is at the expense of the plan of God. We can fight when the Lord brings peace.

Ultimately in church conflict, it is only the Spirit of God that can overcome our own agendas. I speak this Sunday to a very divided congregation. I cannot solve their problems. I can only point them toward the ONE who can. And it is in Unity that there will be peace. But for that to happen every knee must bow before the one Savior of all, Jesus Christ.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

The gift of connecting people to God's redemptive story

God's redemptive story from the beginning of creation to the New Creation is one of bringing redemption to sinful people that results in new life in Christ and the impact of the gospel in all of our relationships, workplaces, neighborhoods and places of influence. In other words every Christ follower becomes part of that redemptive story. The problem is that many Christians do not have a vision for how God wants to use them or the part He wants them to play in that story.

In many ways salvation has become a way to heaven (which it is) but not a grand vision of life where we are now players in God's redemptive plan (which we are) for the sake of bringing His truth and righteousness to our corner of the world (which He desires). That is sad and it diminishes the joy we can experience when we join Him in His work and story. It is the lack of that connection between our redemption and God's story that often leaves the church with little impact beyond the parking lot of our churches.

One of the greatest gifts we can give others is to help them see the amazing part God want's them to play in His story. Ordinary people who can have an extraordinary impact on those around us in often small but significant ways.

This is the message of Ephesians 2:10: "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." God uniquely created and wired us for "good works," whatever that may be so that we could join Him in His work on this needy planet. When God's people catch a vision for what that means in their day to day lives their purpose moves from merely existing to becoming active players in God's eternal drama and plan.

Why do people not connect their lives with that grand vision more often? Perhaps we do not emphasize enough the purpose for which we are saved. Perhaps we overemphasize ministry in the church to the exclusion of living out our faith in the majority of our lives. Perhaps we don't encourage people to discover what God made them for? I don't know all the reasons but I do know there is a deficit of understanding how we all fit into God's bigger plan.

I love the genealogies in Scripture. They chronicle how people famous and infamous, ordinary and otherwise were part of God's eternal story. We are in that chain of significance. Every one of us. Let's help all believers understand that. 

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Read the first chapter of Deep Influence here for free

Deep Influence Chapter One


All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

How many and what kinds of questions do you ask?

A mark of maturity is the transition from talking to people about ourselves or giving instructions to staff and moving to asking probing questions about others and their lives and work. Questions open dialogue and conversation, show we care about others and help others clarify issues by themselves. How many and what kinds of questions we ask determines the depth of our conversations with others.

Questions about people's personal lives opens up amazing dialogues. Tell me about your spiritual Journey? How did you end up doing what you do? What are you learning these days? What is you largest challenge? Tell me about your family? How can I be praying for you?

Questions with staff indicate an interest in them, their work and their observations or opinions. It also moves us from being the one who has the answers (we often do not) to a posture of learning and genuine interest in them and their work. I would suggest that the most helpful managers and leaders are the most inquisitive and they are also the most knowledgeable because they get information that others don't get. It also takes the focus off of us and puts it on others.

Try walking through a day asking as many questions as you can and then listening. You will be amazed at what you learn and how open people are. It works with strangers and friends, colleagues and staff. I know, I learned from the best over the years.

In terms of helping others think reflectively on their own lives, questions are especially powerful. The best questions cause others to think and reflect on issues that they may not have considered before. Thus it becomes a great tool in the personal or professional growth of others.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Great article from the Gospel Coalition

CONGREGATIONS HAVE 

WISH-DREAMS TOO

Without this trait we are not qualified to lead

Leaders expect those they lead to respect authority - theirs. Unless we as leaders also respect the authority above us we are are not qualified to lead. In fact one of the things I always look at when considering someone for a leadership position is whether they have respected the authority above them in the past. If they have been cynical toward leadership, disrespectful or simply acted autonomously, I will not move them into leadership. If we cannot follow well we cannot lead well and don't have the moral authority to do so.

I am troubled by senior pastors or ministry leaders who do not respect the authority of their board. There is a temptation when leading at that level to think that the board is a distraction or a necessary evil. The truth is that boards are there for our protection and the protection of the ministry and constitute our authority. 

Respecting authority is not blind followership. If I respect the authority above me I will be candid with them, push back on things that I believe may be detrimental to the organization or are poor decisions and expect that I will be treated with honor and dignity. If that is not possible I personally will look for another place to serve. However, in the end, unless there is a moral or ethical issue at stake I will do as I am asked. As one who asks respect from others I must give it myself.

There is another aspect to respecting authority and that is being accountable for our time, energy and plans. I do not want to be "managed" or especially micro managed. However, part of being accountable to authority is being clear about what we plan to accomplish and then being accountable for our performance. 

This is why in our organization all staff members have Key Result Areas and Annual Ministry Plans. They are agreed to by their supervisor before the year starts and they are a part of the review at the end of the year. I also make my calendar available to my supervisor and to my senior staff. Accountability is being transparent about how we spend our time.

There is a real difference in the leadership of those who respect their authority and those who don't. Leaders first must follow.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Why are the Pentecostals growing in numbers - from Ed Stetzer

Why Are Pentecostals 

Growing in Number?

Neighbors from Hell

Yes, that was the title of the 20/20 episode I watched tonight. It was amazing to see the petty battles and lengths people can go to in their conflict over seemingly insignificant things. And that people who live in close proximity to one another cannot simply get along. It was funny, sad and crazy all at once.

It caused me to think about some of the conflicts in the local church where the Holy Spirit is actually present but where the same petty conflicts easily become full blown battles. Sadly, many of the behaviors, assumptions about one another and tactics are not much different from the "Neighbors from Hell." Except that we are really called to be "Neighbors headed to Heaven" where we will spend eternity together. 

In the 20/20 episode it was clear that battles among neighbors were all consuming - energy wise and emotionally. Fences were built, cameras installed to watch the actions of the others and all kinds of nasty things done and said to one another. 

Such is true in conflict in the local church as well and as such it is often literally from hell because the Evil One is greatly satisfied when we are fighting one another rather than focused on taking territory for Jesus. The irony in the local church is that our "neighbors from hell" are going to be our "brothers and sister in heaven" one day. Does it not make sense that we would practice on earth what will be true in heaven? - especially as we pray "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Something to think about.

The saddest thing about the episodes? It was so unnecessary. And so is most conflict in the local church. It robs us of our ability to accomplish what God has called us to do, it diminishes the reputation of Jesus and it is life taking rather than life giving (John 10:10). There are certainly things worth fighting for. Most church conflict does not fit that category. It is a distraction of the evil one from the mission of Jesus for the church.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Staff and board relationships in the local church: What is healthy and what is unhealthy?

In the local church, staff board relationships are a critical factor in either health or dishealth. I am not speaking of the senior pastor (or in a large church the Executive pastor) here who is normally both a member of the board and the leader of staff. I am speaking of other staff and how they relate or do not relate to board members. Let me run through some scenarios that fit in the healthy and dishealthy columns as they are often played out in the church.

Unhealthy: There is to be no conversation between board members and staff except through the senior pastor or Executive Pastor. This effectively says that staff are not allowed to speak to board members or board to staff. This is often mandated in the name of policy governance. While it is true that in policy governance the board manages staff through one employee - the senior leader- and the board cannot manage staff other than the senior leader, eliminating conversation between boards and staff is not healthy. 

Consider this fact. By eliminating conversation between board members and staff, a dysfunctional or controlling leader can hide the fact that there is toxicity on staff. I have seen it many times and the board who is actually responsible for the health of the church is the last to know. The rule in the name of policy governance can be used as a foil to keep staff issues from reaching elected leaders. Yet the health of staff must be one of the highest priorities of leaders. 

Healthy: Board and staff are allowed to interact but it is understood that the board does not manage staff other than its senior leader. Healthy senior leaders don't mind board staff interaction as long as the board does not overstep its authority. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the board has a responsibility to monitor the health of the staff ethos and not simply to rely on what they are told by the senior leader. As Reagan famously said, "trust but verify." 

Unhealthy: Staff go around their supervisor to the board to achieve their ends. This violates the chain of authority which is through the senior leader and boards that allow it to happen are foolish and have moved into the area of management as well as disempowering the senior leader. Any form of triangulation that goes around our supervisor to achieve our ends is unhealthy. 

Healthy: There must be a place where staff can go in the event that there is dishealth either in their relationship with their supervisor on staff in general. Senior leaders can bully their staff and dysfunctional ones often do to "keep quiet" about dishealth and significant problems on staff. In one church conflict I worked with there was a string of at least ten staff who had been unfairly treated and the board had never talked to any of them (they had a gag order). Essentially we are talking about a grievance policy where staff can go when they face serious issues. Not to have such a policy and procedure is to hurt staff and open the church up to legal liabilities.

Unhealthy: Preventing staff from communicating outside of the staff  structure if needed to resolve an issue - per a grievance policy. While it should happen seldom, there are leaders who make it impossible for a staff member to speak about serious issues outside of their presence. They do so because of their own insecurity and control issues.

Healthy: Regular board interaction with staff. I do not believe that staff should be on the board apart from perhaps the senior leader and the Executive Pastor. At the same time there should be regular touch points that boards have with the staff (in a large church, senior staff) where candid questions can be asked, relationships developed and ministry discussed. When this does not happen, boards only know what their senior leader tells them which is not always the full picture. 

To put all of this in perspective, whenever I see rules that keep conversation between board members and staff in the local church I become wary. Why does the senior leader feel he needs to prevent such communication? In healthy organizations with healthy leaders, there is not fear of such conversation because there is nothing to hide. Usually when excessive control is exerted, there is something to hide or unhealthy control being exerted by the senior leader. At the same time boards and staff must understand what a healthy relationship is and what it is not and abide by those principles.

I often hear from staff members who work in an environment where health does not exist and they have no real recourse. I am sad for them because the very transformative ministry that the church proclaims it is about is not what they live internally. It is a problem in too many churches.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Nine ways that pastors create conflict in the church

Senior leaders are fully capable of creating unnecessary conflict in their churches. There is enough opportunity for conflict in the church without pastors contributing to it. Here are some ways that pastors contribute to conflict and therefor ways we can avoid doing so.

One: Being defensive with staff and boards. Defensiveness shuts down discussion which inevitably creates conflict as real issues cannot be openly discussed and resolved. When pastors are insecure and therefore not open to robust dialogue, conflict becomes inevitable. The more open we are the less opportunity there is for conflict to germinate. 

Two: Making unilateral decisions without the input of stakeholders. Nobody likes surprises - not boards, not staff or congregations.When pastors do not engage stakeholders, whoever they are, they create the seeds of conflict. Key decisions need to be processed with those who are impacted.

Three: Being inflexible. We may be clear where we want to go but flexibility is usually necessary in order to get there. Often we cannot get everything we desire to get at once. Wise leaders are flexible in how they get to where they are going so that those we lead will actually go with us.

Four: Not running process. This is related to the above. All change requires a process in order to help those we lead go with us. When leaders make decisions that surprise stakeholders and do not run adequate process to explain their rationale for change, conflict inevitably occurs. Often we are too impatient to go where we want to go rather than take the time to run process and it results in conflict.

Five: Not being clear on where we are going and how we are going to get there. Ambiguity over direction and strategy creates insecurity and questions among those we lead. Clarity over both are critical to a healthy congregation. Often when these are absent dysfunction is the result.

Six: Marginalizing those who disagree with us. This is always a sign of poor EQ and insecurity but it is not uncommon among senior pastors. We too often equate loyalty with agreeing with us and when someone disagrees there is a tendency to see them as bad or disloyal or even "agents of the evil one." Disagreement is not bad but our response to it can be. When we marginalize those who disagree with us we naturally create conflict because we now have those who are "in" and those who are "out."

Seven: Using the pulpit to take shots at our detractors. All pastors have detractors - it is the nature of the job. But when we start using the pulpit (which is a powerful platform) we naturally create an us and them mentality. The pulpit is for the untainted truth of God from Scripture, not a platform for us to take shots at our detractors. They deserve our love and maybe our candid thoughts but not from the pulpit.

Eight: Dividing the board from the staff. I call this "leadership default." Pastors never play their board against their staff for it inevitably creates an "us/them" mentality and creates distrust between two groups which must work in coordination with one another. The senior team the pastor is on is always his board and it is his responsibility to create partnership rather than tension between his staff and his board.

Nine: Using the church for one's own agenda rather than for a corporate agenda that is agreed to by staff and board. Churches can be a platform for our personal agendas in leadership or they can be a platform for God's agenda which is agreed to by leadership, staff and ultimately the congregation. When we use it for our own agenda without the agreement of others who make up our leadership team and the congregation as a whole (remember the priesthood of believers) we will inevitably create conflict.

As leaders, we often are critical of those who create conflict in the local church. We need to remember that we can do the same - and often do if we are not careful. 

For all those who travel as much as I do, here is what a truthful in-flight announcement might say from the Economist

Fear of flying

Welcome aboard

In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful. What might an honest one sound like?

Looking forward by looking backward

Why the celebration every New Year's Eve? Is it not that we are celebrating the possibilities that every new year brings? As we celebrate, we also should consider the many mercies, blessings and moments of grace that God showered on us this year. 

Mercy is unmerited favor - what we don't deserve. Think of God's mercy in our lives this year. How many times this year did we need his forgiveness, his empowerment, his help or his intervention? Every day of the past year has exhibited God's mercy in our lives. As Jeremiah said, His mercies are new every morning.

Grace is God's favor and good will. Every day of our lives is a day of grace. When Paul asked God to remove his "thorn in the flesh," God replied, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Those who have walked through tough times this year understand grace for sometimes the greatest gift we have is the grace to make it through another day. Yet, God always gives it. We live in the grace of God every day.

Blessings are all the ways that God provides for us. We cannot count the ways that God has blessed us in any given year but it is worth considering and recording some of them so that we do not forget. I was blessed this year with a fabulous staff, a wonderful job, great friends, God's provision for our needs, healing, my family, the publication of a new book and I could go on. They are all blessings from a gracious and generous God.

We can look forward to a year of possibilities because we can look back on a year of God's faithfulness. That is why it is always worth considering His goodness. Living with faith and thanksgiving is a product of remembering His amazing goodness in our lives. The more often we take stock of His grace, mercy and blessings in our lives the more we recognize them and live with the optimism that comes from living in His presence.

This is a good time to take stock in God's goodness. By looking backward we are able to look forward.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

"Why I want to live"

Life is precious and severe illness, such as my friend Phil is facing clarify the issues of life like nothing else can. Phil leads one of the most critical ministry teams in ReachGlobal - The Global Equipping Team that equips movement leaders internationally for the multiplication of the church and the training of healthy pastors and leaders. He was recently diagnosed with a deadly brain tumor and I along with many are praying for a total miracle - God's full healing. 

In the meantime, Phil and Peggy must deal with the reality of the diagnosis and the upcoming radiation and Chemo. Phil's latest blog entry puts life in perspective so I asked permission to share it. The blog entry speaks for itself. Would you join me in praying that Jesus would heal Phil? Each of us should answer the question of whether we have clarity regarding how we are using the precious days God grants to us on this earth.

To follow Phil's journey you can access their blog, Good Things from the Hand of God. Here is his latest entry.

Why I Want to Live

Posted: 29 Dec 2014 09:43 AM PST

Brokenness that comes from dire circumstances can do one of two things. It can shelve me, or it can bring about greater clarity and make me more passionate about accomplishing what I’m called to do.

This past weekend, Peggy and I were able to get away together—enjoying nice meals, crunching through the snow on the Centennial Trail that borders the Spokane River, and sharing some tough and very meaningful conversations. These two days have been just what we’ve needed to gain fresh perspective.

Around the world, millions have yet to hear the name of Jesus even once. Their lives are broken and lost. I was also broken and lost the first 19 years of my life. God’s transforming work in me over the past 40 years compels me to help as many others as possible discover Him.

I do not merely want extended length and quality of life for myself and my family. I long to live so that, together with the ministry team I lead, I can equip national leaders to fruitfully reach their own people in the hard places of the world. This will happen with or without me. So whether I have a few months or a few years, this is why I want to live.

A thought provoking article on why people are really leaving the church

Dear Church, Here’s Why People Are Really Leaving You

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Leaders who do not allow free expression of ideas are operating out of insecurity and fear

I run into them from time to time: leaders who demand that their staff think like they do. They are intimidated and fearful of those who freely express their opinions rather than simply agree with their views. Often, they try to find ways to ensure that independent thought is stifled or discouraged whether through intimidation, policies or signed documents (you must agree with me to be in leadership or on staff).

Whenever leaders must try to enforce agreement with their views, they are not only losing a valuable asset (diversity of views and opinions) but are displaying their own insecurities and fears. Let's be real: healthy leaders not only invite their staff to be honest and candid but value their opinions while unhealthy leaders are afraid of views that disagree with theirs. The end result is that leaders who insist that staff agree with them lose both the value of robust dialogue and the best staff who will not stay in a (dysfunctional) culture that demands conformity.

The more coercive the culture (you must agree with me), the more dysfunctional that culture is. Healthy leaders lead out of influence and persuasion, not out of control and policies. When a leader must turn to control and policies to ensure agreement with them it is always a sign to beware!

This is why we (in ReachGlobal) have a policy that any issue can be put on the table - we call it robust dialogue. The only exceptions are hidden agendas or personal attacks. We value the free exchange of ideas and we value the opinions of good leaders. We agree on the philosophic boundaries of our ministry but in strategy we encourage candid and honest dialogue. Does your church or ministry encourage robust dialogue or do you live in a culture of control and fear where leaders insist you agree with them? It says much about the health or dishealth of your leaders.

When leaders start being coercive in insisting that others agree with them they are operating out of insecurity and fear, rather than out of health. The best leaders listen closely to a variety of views and never insist that staff agree with their views.   

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Key questions to ask about the upcoming year

Unexamined lives lack depth and richness while well examined lives are fruitful and enriching. God gave us the seasons and the years in order to give us a rhythm of life, including the opportunity to examine our lives on a regular basis. The end of one year and the beginning of another year is a prime time to do this. 

As you consider the coming year and examine the past year, here are some key questions to ask.

1. What did I do really well this past year and what did I not do well?

2. Based on what I did not do well, do I need to make any changes to my life or priorities?

3. Is there any besetting sin in my life that Jesus would want me to address going into this new year? What is my plan to address it and who can encourage me in that journey?

4. Given how busy I am, are there things that I should give up or do differently in order to find margin in my life or make room for more important priorities?

5. Are there things I have not been doing that I should start doing?

6. What is my plan for personal development this coming year? What areas in my personal or professional life do I need to see progress in?

7. Are there any broken relationships that I should mend so that the relational disconnect does not get in the way of my own spiritual growth?

8. What is one thing my spouse wishes I would change this year? (You gotta ask on that one)

9. What areas of my physical health need to be addressed so that I can go the distance?

10. If this was the last year I had to live on this earth what would I want it to look like? (always a good way to live).

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

9 EASY-TO-STEAL HABITS OF THE SUPER SUCCESSFUL

This is a very practical and insightful article from FC. You may be surprised at what these habits are.

9 Easy-to-steal habits of the super successful. 

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Deep Influence is now available

Deep Influence is now available. For those who are getting notices from Amazon that it is not available till January 15 you can get immediate fulfillment from my site and at a lower cost. Go to the TJ Addington Store.

Silence, Chaos, Rejoicing and Holy Awe

Silence

The heavens held their collective breath for the Son was gone. The unimaginable was unfolding. The One who had superintended creation was now ready to be born a creature. What could this mean? Majesty of heaven rejected for the poverty of a squalid earth and a people who had rejected truth too many times to count. They had traded the garden for a lie and now the creator traded majesty for obscurity. It was a silence of unbelief, awe, apprehension and wonder!

Chaos

Nativity scenes are peaceful and neat but this night in Bethlehem was anything but. The tiny town was full of travelers, the inns and taverns were full and noisy and crowed and smelly. Desperately, a man tried to find a place for his wife, swollen with child, water about to break, a place where a child could be born in dignity but it was not to be. Instead, it was the to be with the animals, hay and manure, the sounds and smells of the adjacent Inn intruding on this holy moment.

Rejoicing

The silence of heaven gave way to song and praise and rejoicing penetrating the chasm between heaven and earth so that even poor shepherds heard the choir and angelic announcement. This first musical Christmas card came not to the mighty and powerful but to the poor and powerless: A symbol of the Kingdom that was coming - good news for those who needed the same. Good news of a great joy which shall be for all people. Even us, even today! A Savior, who is Christ the Lord. Now there was silence on earth as the shepherds tried to understand the import of the news. 

Holy Awe

There was one who knew that the universe had changed and that what was was not what would be: Mary. Too young to be jaded, faith filled and and in awe of the child that lay at her breast. For she knew that He was not of this earth though she did not know the price He would pay. She remembered the angel who had visited her upon her pregnancy. Now she heard the report of the shepherds who came to visit. All the people wondered at their report but Mary, treasured up these things pondering them in her heart. She knew, not fully, but she knew! 

We know fully for we know the rest of the story. Does it move us as it moved the heavens, the angels, the shepherds, the people of Bethlehem and Mary? This is a day to consider, to rejoice and to be awed at the love that drove a rejected Savior to save the broken, the needy, each of us who have received Him in faith.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Do not neglect to pray this Christmas for the places of greatest persecution of God's people

We celebrate this Christmas season. We can do so because of the freedom we have. There are many who do not share that freedom today but will be secretly celebrating Christ's birth. Check out this list of countries that need our prayer this Christmas.

Watch List of Christian Persecution

A story stranger than fiction

No story is better known. No story better captures the heart of a child - small or grown - than the one we celebrate today. No matter how many times we hear the story it never grows old, it never disappoints, never ceases to evoke deep emotions of wonder, awe and comfort. An angel’s proclamation to illiterate shepherds, a teenage unwed mother, a loyal carpenter fiancee, the evil king Herod, a cold, clear, Bethlehem night without a place to stay. A messy birth in an animal’s stall, alongside a dirty alley in the dark of night. Confused cows watching unknowing as the Son of the universe stares back unknowing at the very animals He had created eons before. A mother, a child, a carpenter, a few agitated animals and the pungent smell of manure.

This is a story so absurd that it could only have been scripted by a Divine hand. No other writer would have attempted such a script. If they had they would not have claimed it to be true: fiction maybe, but not reality. This is not how the One whose voice had echoed off of a billion galaxies would make His entrance. Without CNN and Fox News, into a hovel known affectionately today as Bethlehem but then nothing more than a tiny village on the path to Jerusalem. 

His entrance was marked not by a proclamation to kings but to astonished herdsmen sleeping with sheep. The heavens opened with ten thousand voices – not over Jerusalem the ancient capital – but over a tiny grazing field for a handful of insignificant shepherds. They would be the only witnesses of the grand entrance of a King. No other writer would have written such a script. 

No other author would have taken such a chance. For behind this story there are echoes of another story - equally incredulous. Centuries before in the vastness of eternity past – when infinity kissed infinity, The Master of Infinity spoke into being the universe in which we live - 3,000 of whose stars are visible to the careful eye, 30 billion visible from a large telescope, - the other 90% of the universe still hidden from our eyes. Its splendor an eternal testimony to the Author of the story.

Immortal, invisible, God only wise,
In light inaccessible hid from our eyes,
Most blessed, most glorious, the Ancient of Days,
Almighty, victorious, Thy great name we praise.

Great Father of glory, pure Father of light,
Thine angels adore thee, all veiling their sight;
All praise we would render: O help us to see
Tis only the splendor of light hideth Thee.
(Walter Chalmers Smith)

The Author’s heart was restless still, lonely in His perfection. A heart full of love is not easily satisfied. Transcendent goodness longed to give away infinite love. Again the Author spoke: A planet was expertly crafted. One among billions. A people wonderfully created – in the image of the Author. Free to love, free to experience the infinite goodness of the Author. Free to revel in His infinite Love. But above all free. Love cannot be forced and remain love.

We are not the sole owners of broken hearts. No heart suffered such sorrow as Infinite Love rejected. Image bearers rejected the Image Maker. The story’s characters fired the Author to write their own script. Unmatched, searing pain pierced the Author’s heart as the loved jilted the Lover. 

Chaos infiltrated beauty. A planet was hijacked and spun out of control. Poverty of spirit supplanted endless joy. Unfulfilled hearts realized the pain of lost love. Without the Author, individual story lines faltered – and failed. Sadness reigned. Darkness descended in seeming endless gloom.

Truth can be stranger than fiction. For in the pained heavens the grieving Author plotted love’s revenge. An awesome revenge that only Divinity could contrive – that only Divinity would contrive. Having lost His loved, the Lover would send His most loved to reclaim His heart’s desire. The rejected Creator would kiss the unfaithful created. Tender mercy in place of deserved destruction. An astonished heaven broke into unbelieving applause. Image bearers would be reclaimed by the Image Maker. Light would once again prevail over darkness. Brokenness would be made whole. Peace would triumph over chaos.

All was silent in the heavens on the chosen night. Angels held their corporate breath. For nine months the Son had been absent, resident in a young girls womb, coming to us not as a king but incognito, just one of thousands of children that would be born on a lonely planet that night – into the darkness that our word had become. Placenta covered the Son of the universe arriving to claim back His beloved: this time, one by one, heart by heart. Tender mercy arriving in disguise: one of us, one like us. On that night, the Author personally entered our story. 

Such humility our world has never known. A stunning reversal for a world gone astray. A Heart full of love is not easily satisfied. Transcendent goodness longing to give away infinite love, arriving under cover of night in order to “shine on those living in darkness…to guide our feet into the path of peace.” (Luke 1:27).

When an author writes, each character is unique; each has his or her own story-line. We, each have a story – unique, unrepeated, singular. Each story has its own joy, its own pain, its own pathos and unmatched quality. But each shares one singular, astonishing feature. We are made in the Author’s image, and He will not rest until we have invited Him to join in our story. 

More astonishing than the script He has authored, the story we celebrate today is that He also wants to enter into your story. This is the most ancient of stories but it is also the most contemporary of stories. The Christmas story is but one chapter in the Author’s divine script. The Author is still writing. And every person who invites Him into their story becomes a separate and unique chapter in His unfinished book. And into each story He brings His light and peace. 

“For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” (John 3:16-17.)

Have you invited Him into your story?

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

What are the things a leader needs to communicate to his people to ensure that he is getting the truth

Without truth from others, a leader is left only with his/her assumptions or perceptions and that is a dangerous place to be. So how does a leader ensure that their staff and friends tell them the truth? It is an important question that has huge ramifications. What we don't know will hurt us. What we do know can help us - if we pay attention!

Leaders either encourage or discourage their staff from sharing truth with them. On the negative side, they discourage the truth by sending messages that "You should not go there," or, it is not safe to talk about these things because if you do your leader becomes defensive. Truth is an important commodity that can either be mined or easily ignored.

How do we encourage truth? First, we encourage "robust dialogue" where we tell our team that any issue can be put on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. Second, when people share openly, we as leaders respond with a non-defensive attitude that conveys "I have nothing to prove and nothing to lose." It is the attitude and reaction of leaders that either encourages or discourages honest and candid dialogue among a team.

Leaders can also ask critical questions such as "Is there anything I do that you wish I would do differently," or, "If there was one thing that you wish I did differently, what would it be?" designed to help mine for truth. Ironically, many leaders are afraid of truth when truth is their largest gift. I may or may not agree with what is shared but I would certainly desire to know what people think than not. 

Leaders set the standard for how candid their staff can be with them. I have worked for leaders who did not want honesty and those who did and I will not work for those who don't ever again. As a leader I want to know what people are thinking, what suggestions they have and what their perceptions are. Without that I cannot lead well. I don't have to like what I hear to appreciate it deeply. My expectation is that my staff will tell me the truth whether it hurts or not. Those who don't are the poorer for it.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Bringing a word of hope this Christmas to those who need it

I love Christmas. But there are many whose circumstances do not make this season a happy one. I think of the parents of children who are suffering from cancer and trying to get through each day. I think of those who lost a loved one this year and face Christmas for the first time without them. A friend who has cancer and is on her deathbed. Others who are lonely and wishing that the hope of Christmas was theirs when it is not.

One of the greatest gifts we can give this Christmas season is a word or touch of hope to those who need it. A well chosen word that fits their situation and is sensitive to their needs. After all, Christmas is ultimately about giving hope as Emmanuel did to us and continues to do. Whatever our circumstance, let's not forget those who are struggling this week, who are not as happy as we may be. Give a gift - of love and hope.

Hijacked churches

I believe that leaders are called to lead at specific times in the history of a church. And, that their unique abilities and vision is critical to the next chapter of a congregations success. However, I have also watched with concern a phenomenon of new leaders coming into a church and essentially hijacking it for their own purposes. What are the signs of a church hijack?

One. There is a criticism of the past as if nothing good came out of it. The new leader/pastor talks about the future and implicitly or explicitly denigrates the past. This forgets that those who gave their energy, money and talent in the past made the church what it is today and provided the platform for a new leader to build on the past. Every leader stands on the shoulders of those who led in in the past unless they start something new. And the people who are there when they come are God's flock.

Two. The new leader does not ask and take into account the vision and dreams of the leadership or congregation but rather inserts their dreams as the vision for the future. When we come into a new church as a new leader we do not come into a vacuum. We come into a congregation with a history and a vision, whether vague or focused. It is critical that we take that vision into account and not simply impose our own vision as if the past does not exist.

Three. Being willing to see many people leave so that a new leader can achieve their dreams. I have watched new pastors see hundreds of people leave the church because they have imposed their agenda on it without being at all concerned about the views and concerns of those who leave. It is as if they are willing to sacrifice the past to achieve their vision of the future. As a change agent I fully understand that some people leave when a new leader or vision comes but when significant people leave it is more about the agenda of the new leader than a shared vision for the church.

Four. Marginalizing current staff. Again, there is no question that a new leader needs to build their own team. However, when it comes at the expense of qualified and good staff who have served well it probably indicates that the new leader is anxious to get rid of the past and put their own stamp on the future. It is often a sign of their insecurity rather than security.

Five. Imposing a new vision that is unnecessarily a break from the past. Good leaders don't move faster than their constituency can follow and they honor and give value to those who are there. Sometimes it takes time to get to where we want to go. Jesus never marginalized people in the pursuit of His mission other than the Pharisees. 

Six. Not listening to the concerns of the current constituency. This is one of the key indicators of a leader who is hijacking a ministry for their own purposes. When there is not a concern for the vision, concerns, ideas and issues raised by those who have come before there is an arrogant rather than humble attitude of leadership. And, it usually results in divided, wounded and conflicted congregations because of the agenda of a new leader who does not choose to take into account what has come before them.

When leaders hijack a church, they leave a trail of wounded bodies and hearts behind them. Because it is God's church, many leave or suffer quietly but it does not excuse those who deliver that pain or lack of sensitivity. It is very sad when it happens and often results in deeply wounded congregations. I have a very hard time reconciling this behavior with the values of Jesus and how he treated people - His flock. It also seems to violate the advice Peter gave to under-shepherds in 1 Peter 5.  The question is whether it is ultimately more about them then about Jesus and His flock. Ministry platforms can and are used for personal agendas all the time. Unfortunately!

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.