A former leader in the church says to a current leader: "I have some deep concerns about the pastor and there are others who who do as well." "Who are the others?" queries the leader. "Well, I can't really say because that would violate confidentiality but there are quite a few."
"What are the issues," asks the leader. "Basically we don't trust the pastor and he has not handled some things very well." "Do you have first hand information about this," asks the leader? "Well, not really but I am sure that what I have heard is true." "Have you asked the pastor about your concerns?" asks the leader. "Oh no, he is not approachable." "How do you know that?" asks the leader. "Well he has a reputation of not listening and being defensive." "Hmmm, that has never been my experience," says the leader.
Did you notice in this conversation that there is a "voice" behind the "voice" of the one complaining? He has no first hand information about this situation but he has become an inadvertent spokesperson for someone else in the congregation who has an agenda to raise issues from behind the scenes, quietly and even perhaps with spiritual language ("I am deeply concerned for the pastor" or "we need to be praying about this trust issue."). And the one speaking should be listened to because after all he has taught an adult Sunday school class for years....
It is not unusual for me to receive a call from a pastor or church leader asking for my help because there are unhappy people in the church who are raising all kinds of issues, want a public forum to voice them and have spokespeople who are regularly "sharing their concerns" with leaders, leaving leaders wondering how big an issue is this and how do they deal with it. And, it seems that no matter how many conversations they have the issues don't go away.
As I dialogue with leaders in these situations I am listening for the "voice behind the voices." Usually there is an individual, perhaps a few who are talking behind the scenes. Their friends pick up their issues whether they are legitimate or not and soon there are a number of folks who don't "trust the pastor" even though they have no personal reason not to - and the poison starts to run through the congregation.
I will often ask if there are common themes they are hearing and of course there are. I will probe as to where they think it is coming from and they often answer that they think it is a wide congregational issue (which I don't believe). Starting to probe more deeply I often come to an individual who was a former leader or a founding member of the church (sometimes not either) who is actually the voice behind the voices. Even then, some board members, knowing the truth don't want to do anything about it because he or she is "godly" and have been around for a long time.
My last blog was on courageous leaders. Courageous leaders are innocent as doves and wise as serpents. They are not naive and they do not allow anyone in the church to bring division and the behavior above is one of the most destructive behaviors any church can experience. Often it leads to pastors resigning and churches being held hostage by someone behind the scenes who wields underhanded power because no one has the courage to confront them.
When you see this scenario happening don't be deceived and figure out who the voice behind the voices actually is. Then deal with it. If you need to bring in an outside voice to help you do that make that call. It takes just one fox (sorry but that is what they are) to cause mayhem in the hen house. Paul told the elders at Ephesus that such fox's would show up and he told them not to be deceived but to deal with it (Acts 20). I know of foxes right now who are quietly chomping their way through congregations and there is blood everywhere.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Courageous church leaders
Church leadership is not for the faint of heart, the easily discouraged or those who lack courage. Yet too often there is a failure of courage at critical junctures in church leadership and it can only be laid at the foot of leaders. What makes for a courageous leadership board?
They are willing to clearly define vision and direction knowing that clarity is critical even though some will not like the clarity. Many boards do not take the time to clarify and communicate clarity because it is hard work, first, and because they know that some will object, second. Yet, it is clarity that brings focus, alignment and direction so there is no true church health without clarity. This may involve making tough directional or ministry calls that upset a few. Process is important but courageous leaders will do what is right even when a few loud voices protest.
They are ready to stir the water at times to move the congregation out of their comfort zone and into a gospel centered ministry zone. All churches naturally revert back to their comfort zone where life is easy and the focus is on who is already in the church rather than who is outside the church without Christ. It is the job of leaders to ensure that the congregation is living out its Gospel mandate which will be inconvenient and uncomfortable at times. If the water is not being ruffled regularly you are living in the comfort zone.
They deal with divisive voices who would divide the congregation. Paul talks much to his friend Timothy about how to deal with divisive people who cause damage to the church. One thing he does not say is ignore them. They are foxes in the hen house and courageous leaders see them for what they are and lovingly but firmly deal with this sin that so easily divides.
They hold themselves to high standards. Leaders are to be above reproach not only in their own personal lives but in the way their interact with each other as a team. Courageous leaders call out behavior that is counterproductive to a healthy board and hold one another accountable for their unity, relationships and work together.
They are candid and honest about the state of the church and its ministry. It is easy to ignore real issues and not evaluate the true state of the congregation. It takes courage to name the elephants and then deal with them. This must be done without a hidden agenda or personal attack but it must be done. If there are any elephants in the board that cannot be discussed there is a failure of courage.
They are people of hope and optimism that God can and will do something big through their people and congregation and so they dream big, plan big and expect God to show up. Why? Because they believe in God's plan and power and that He is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20)." It takes courage to believe in God's power and therefore step out to do great things for him and that is exactly what courageous leaders do.
Our world is driven by fear at many levels. Congregations often have leaders who are more fearful and cautious than courageous and bold. Failure of courage leads to failure of mission. Courageous church leaders infect their congregation with their optimism, courage, resolve, Gospel commitments and call them to live it out together.
They are willing to clearly define vision and direction knowing that clarity is critical even though some will not like the clarity. Many boards do not take the time to clarify and communicate clarity because it is hard work, first, and because they know that some will object, second. Yet, it is clarity that brings focus, alignment and direction so there is no true church health without clarity. This may involve making tough directional or ministry calls that upset a few. Process is important but courageous leaders will do what is right even when a few loud voices protest.
They are ready to stir the water at times to move the congregation out of their comfort zone and into a gospel centered ministry zone. All churches naturally revert back to their comfort zone where life is easy and the focus is on who is already in the church rather than who is outside the church without Christ. It is the job of leaders to ensure that the congregation is living out its Gospel mandate which will be inconvenient and uncomfortable at times. If the water is not being ruffled regularly you are living in the comfort zone.
They deal with divisive voices who would divide the congregation. Paul talks much to his friend Timothy about how to deal with divisive people who cause damage to the church. One thing he does not say is ignore them. They are foxes in the hen house and courageous leaders see them for what they are and lovingly but firmly deal with this sin that so easily divides.
They hold themselves to high standards. Leaders are to be above reproach not only in their own personal lives but in the way their interact with each other as a team. Courageous leaders call out behavior that is counterproductive to a healthy board and hold one another accountable for their unity, relationships and work together.
They are candid and honest about the state of the church and its ministry. It is easy to ignore real issues and not evaluate the true state of the congregation. It takes courage to name the elephants and then deal with them. This must be done without a hidden agenda or personal attack but it must be done. If there are any elephants in the board that cannot be discussed there is a failure of courage.
They are people of hope and optimism that God can and will do something big through their people and congregation and so they dream big, plan big and expect God to show up. Why? Because they believe in God's plan and power and that He is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20)." It takes courage to believe in God's power and therefore step out to do great things for him and that is exactly what courageous leaders do.
Our world is driven by fear at many levels. Congregations often have leaders who are more fearful and cautious than courageous and bold. Failure of courage leads to failure of mission. Courageous church leaders infect their congregation with their optimism, courage, resolve, Gospel commitments and call them to live it out together.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Focusing on problems not people
It is interesting how we are usually think about problems. Something does not work, goes wrong, fails, is causing frustration and we automatically ask, "who is responsible?" In other words we go to a person and we go to blame.
It is the wrong focus! The focus should be on the problem and trying to figure out why the problem occurs and how it can be fixed. In many cases we find that the problem is not about an individual but about a process that is poorly designed.
It is instructive to take a problem that is frustrating in your organization and on a white board diagram the entire process involved with the inputs and outputs. Who is involved and what process is involved and where does the process break down and why? In most cases you will quickly discover that the problem is no caused primarily by individuals but by a flawed process that needs to be refined and fixed. In fact, any time there is ongoing frustration about something, the white board process picture should be drawn and analyzed.
Now if after you have analyzed the process you discover it breaks down with a specific individual you can deal with the individual. But as a philosophy, focus on problems not people.
One last thought. Every problem is an opportunity to refine systems, change processes, eliminate what is not needed and do what you do in a more effective way. A problem equals opportunity to do something better. That is why I like problems.
It is the wrong focus! The focus should be on the problem and trying to figure out why the problem occurs and how it can be fixed. In many cases we find that the problem is not about an individual but about a process that is poorly designed.
It is instructive to take a problem that is frustrating in your organization and on a white board diagram the entire process involved with the inputs and outputs. Who is involved and what process is involved and where does the process break down and why? In most cases you will quickly discover that the problem is no caused primarily by individuals but by a flawed process that needs to be refined and fixed. In fact, any time there is ongoing frustration about something, the white board process picture should be drawn and analyzed.
Now if after you have analyzed the process you discover it breaks down with a specific individual you can deal with the individual. But as a philosophy, focus on problems not people.
One last thought. Every problem is an opportunity to refine systems, change processes, eliminate what is not needed and do what you do in a more effective way. A problem equals opportunity to do something better. That is why I like problems.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
KMS
It stands for keep mouth shut and it is an acronym that I use with myself often when I am tempted to say too much, need to listen rather than respond, speak out of anger or frustration, dominate a conversation or when dealing with people who are argumentative, arrogant or obnoxious.
Wise people guard their tongues. What we say or how we say it is more likely to get us into trouble than anything else as James reminds us in talking about our tongue. As we mature we ought to learn to speak less, listen more, ask questions rather than make pronouncements, keep our own counsel and be circumspect with our words. It goes against our natural tendency to speak quickly, defend our positions carelessly and respond out of emotion rather than a considered response.
Think about the person who speaks seldom in a meeting but when they do everyone listens because they speak wisdom. And then think of the individual who speaks often and dominates the conversation but without much wisdom. The first has learned the KMS principle and in practicing it they think before they speak and in doing so they actually contribute more by speaking less.
Leaders are tempted to speak too much rather than ask questions and listen to others. They are tempted to give quick answers rather than allow people to come to their own conclusions or let a group process work. The temptation comes from their ability to quickly analyze, for some to be the center of attention, and their leadership position. Of all people, those who lead need to remind themselves to KMS often. To the extent that they dominate the conversation, give the answers and make pronouncements, they dis-empower other members of the team. Even if they know they are right, speaking less will get them further.
Those who choose to listen more than talk, ask questions rather than pronouncements or not to be the center of attention are displaying humility rather than pride, a secure rather than needy makeup and good emotional intelligence (EQ).
I have been known to use a post it note with KMS written on it as a reminder when going into a potentially contentious meeting. I know my own tendencies and the wisdom of keeping quiet in many situations where I could otherwise speak unwisely. How are you doing with the KMS principle?
Wise people guard their tongues. What we say or how we say it is more likely to get us into trouble than anything else as James reminds us in talking about our tongue. As we mature we ought to learn to speak less, listen more, ask questions rather than make pronouncements, keep our own counsel and be circumspect with our words. It goes against our natural tendency to speak quickly, defend our positions carelessly and respond out of emotion rather than a considered response.
Think about the person who speaks seldom in a meeting but when they do everyone listens because they speak wisdom. And then think of the individual who speaks often and dominates the conversation but without much wisdom. The first has learned the KMS principle and in practicing it they think before they speak and in doing so they actually contribute more by speaking less.
Leaders are tempted to speak too much rather than ask questions and listen to others. They are tempted to give quick answers rather than allow people to come to their own conclusions or let a group process work. The temptation comes from their ability to quickly analyze, for some to be the center of attention, and their leadership position. Of all people, those who lead need to remind themselves to KMS often. To the extent that they dominate the conversation, give the answers and make pronouncements, they dis-empower other members of the team. Even if they know they are right, speaking less will get them further.
Those who choose to listen more than talk, ask questions rather than pronouncements or not to be the center of attention are displaying humility rather than pride, a secure rather than needy makeup and good emotional intelligence (EQ).
I have been known to use a post it note with KMS written on it as a reminder when going into a potentially contentious meeting. I know my own tendencies and the wisdom of keeping quiet in many situations where I could otherwise speak unwisely. How are you doing with the KMS principle?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Poisonous criticism and negative spirits
Critical spirits are poison in ministry. They can literally destroy churches, holding them captive to negativity and injuring people in the process. This is not about thinking critically, something valued but living with a critical spirit toward individuals or an entire ministry that like cancer, quietly and behind the scenes spreads its deadly cells until irreparable damage has been done. Critical spirits are deadly for a number of reasons:
They often create a self fulfilling prophecy. Go negative in one's attitude long enough and people will start to believe that it is all negative which makes it impossible for leaders to lead and for people to work toward common healthy goals. I am currently working with a church where the negative attitudes have become so strong that there is a good chance the ministry will implode.
Critical spirits and negativity destroy trust which is the necessary ingredient in any healthy ministry. Trust is destroyed because critical spirits by definition question the motives or the competency of others. Others are infected by the negativity and seeds of mistrust are sown in their minds which impact relationships, a willingness to work with leaders.
Highly critical people in the church actually set themselves up as rival leaders since they bring around them others who buy into their attitudes and follow their lead. In doing so, they undermine the leadership of others and subtly but surely divide the congregation.
Negativity spreads quickly as others with "issues" get sucked into bad attitudes. Give some people a reason to complain and they will take it. Negative attitudes have a way of building coalitions of people who have something to complain about and get sucked in to a spiral of bad attitudes.
A spirit of criticism and negativity is a tactic of the evil one to bring division to the body and destroying its unity. Satan knows that if he can divide the body he can neutralize its effectiveness. These attitudes do not come from the Spirit!
How do you combat negativity and critical spirits when they have become pervasive? I have two suggestions. First, be upfront and public about the issue, its spiritual implications, and its effects. Too often we are afraid to name the sin in our midst allowing it to fester and grow. People with critical spirits and negative attitudes don't think they will be called on their behavior so surprise them.
Second, if it is severe, tell people what is being said in an appropriate setting. What is whispered in private sounds pretty silly when spoken in public. Name the elephants that are being spoken privately and call it for what it is: unhealthy, divisive, unhelpful, and cancerous.
Third, call people back to their calling to be God's people who are making a difference in the world. Often, critical and negative spirits flourish in situations where there is not a higher calling people have embraced. Non missional churches turn inward and in the absence of something better to do, often start picking on one another.
My advice to the leaders of the congregation above is that they call a town meeting with an outside moderator who can get the issues on the table, name them for what it is and call people to a higher level of behavior. Don't ignore it. Ignoring it is like knowing you have a malignancy but wont go to the doctor. Malignancy's don't go away without intervention.
Intervene.
They often create a self fulfilling prophecy. Go negative in one's attitude long enough and people will start to believe that it is all negative which makes it impossible for leaders to lead and for people to work toward common healthy goals. I am currently working with a church where the negative attitudes have become so strong that there is a good chance the ministry will implode.
Critical spirits and negativity destroy trust which is the necessary ingredient in any healthy ministry. Trust is destroyed because critical spirits by definition question the motives or the competency of others. Others are infected by the negativity and seeds of mistrust are sown in their minds which impact relationships, a willingness to work with leaders.
Highly critical people in the church actually set themselves up as rival leaders since they bring around them others who buy into their attitudes and follow their lead. In doing so, they undermine the leadership of others and subtly but surely divide the congregation.
Negativity spreads quickly as others with "issues" get sucked into bad attitudes. Give some people a reason to complain and they will take it. Negative attitudes have a way of building coalitions of people who have something to complain about and get sucked in to a spiral of bad attitudes.
A spirit of criticism and negativity is a tactic of the evil one to bring division to the body and destroying its unity. Satan knows that if he can divide the body he can neutralize its effectiveness. These attitudes do not come from the Spirit!
How do you combat negativity and critical spirits when they have become pervasive? I have two suggestions. First, be upfront and public about the issue, its spiritual implications, and its effects. Too often we are afraid to name the sin in our midst allowing it to fester and grow. People with critical spirits and negative attitudes don't think they will be called on their behavior so surprise them.
Second, if it is severe, tell people what is being said in an appropriate setting. What is whispered in private sounds pretty silly when spoken in public. Name the elephants that are being spoken privately and call it for what it is: unhealthy, divisive, unhelpful, and cancerous.
Third, call people back to their calling to be God's people who are making a difference in the world. Often, critical and negative spirits flourish in situations where there is not a higher calling people have embraced. Non missional churches turn inward and in the absence of something better to do, often start picking on one another.
My advice to the leaders of the congregation above is that they call a town meeting with an outside moderator who can get the issues on the table, name them for what it is and call people to a higher level of behavior. Don't ignore it. Ignoring it is like knowing you have a malignancy but wont go to the doctor. Malignancy's don't go away without intervention.
Intervene.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Goal based budgeting
Ministry budgeting is often a simple exercise of doing what one did the year before with the requisite addition or subtraction depending on the economy. This makes sense for fixed costs.
However, when it comes to non fixed costs consider an alternative - goal based budgeting where the budget is based on the goals and plans of the ministry division or team and the results of its prior year's goals. This budgeting strategy sends the most resources to those ministry divisions that get the best results, deliver on their plans and have the greatest vision. It rewards those who deliver on their ministry plans and withholds resources from those who don't.
Goal based budgeting also calls the question on ministry teams or divisions that do not live up to their plans or who have deficient vision or execution. Honest evaluation of results is not a strength of many ministries. Goal based budgeting helps evaluate success since it is based both on future plans as well as on past performance.
Goal based budgeting is a simple strategy to tie funding to vision and performance.
An interesting and true comment on this post:
Matt Steen has left a new comment on your post "Goal based budgeting":
This can be a scary thing for many churches because it involves thinking through why they are doing what they are doing and then asking the question "how are we doing at it?"
This is also a very good thing for churches to start doing because it forces them to think from vision rather than tradition. This is also one of my favorite things to do with our clients.
However, when it comes to non fixed costs consider an alternative - goal based budgeting where the budget is based on the goals and plans of the ministry division or team and the results of its prior year's goals. This budgeting strategy sends the most resources to those ministry divisions that get the best results, deliver on their plans and have the greatest vision. It rewards those who deliver on their ministry plans and withholds resources from those who don't.
Goal based budgeting also calls the question on ministry teams or divisions that do not live up to their plans or who have deficient vision or execution. Honest evaluation of results is not a strength of many ministries. Goal based budgeting helps evaluate success since it is based both on future plans as well as on past performance.
Goal based budgeting is a simple strategy to tie funding to vision and performance.
An interesting and true comment on this post:
Matt Steen has left a new comment on your post "Goal based budgeting":
This can be a scary thing for many churches because it involves thinking through why they are doing what they are doing and then asking the question "how are we doing at it?"
This is also a very good thing for churches to start doing because it forces them to think from vision rather than tradition. This is also one of my favorite things to do with our clients.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sometimes our best action is no action
We are an action oriented society. Have a problem? Go fix it! Need something? Figure it out. The larger the problem, the harder we work. I understand that as a "strategist," "maximizer," and "achiever," in the Strengths Finder terminology.
But.
Sometimes our best move is to make no move until we have been still before God long enough to wait and listen for His promptings, or to allow Him to move on our behalf for us. Sometimes our biggest work is to resist our temptation to do anything at all and simply "wait on the Lord," and see what He does on our behalf.
Throughout the Psalms we have numerous references from David of waiting on the Lord for Him to act on His behalf. And that from a man of action, a warrior who understood that there were times to act and times to simply wait for God' to act on His behalf. As David wrote in Psalm 121:1-2, "I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."
Perhaps we too often try to solve issues that God would like to solve for us if we were patient and waited on Him! Or, we act prematurely before He gives us the conviction that it is time to act. Our own level of anxiety can cause us to act prematurely and sometimes unwisely when waiting on God in prayer would have saved us problems and given Him time to act on His own.
This is particularly true in instances where we try to convince others to solve some problem in their lives (acting for the Holy Spirit - bidden or not bidden) rather than praying that the Holy Spirit would act in His way and His time in that individual's heart.
As my own faith has matured, I have learned to act less and pray more about issues facing me. I am constantly amazed at how God creatively solves issues that either could not have solved or in His fashion. When I am tempted to act precipitously I turn to the Psalms and remind myself that "The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore" (Psalm 121:8).
But.
Sometimes our best move is to make no move until we have been still before God long enough to wait and listen for His promptings, or to allow Him to move on our behalf for us. Sometimes our biggest work is to resist our temptation to do anything at all and simply "wait on the Lord," and see what He does on our behalf.
Throughout the Psalms we have numerous references from David of waiting on the Lord for Him to act on His behalf. And that from a man of action, a warrior who understood that there were times to act and times to simply wait for God' to act on His behalf. As David wrote in Psalm 121:1-2, "I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."
Perhaps we too often try to solve issues that God would like to solve for us if we were patient and waited on Him! Or, we act prematurely before He gives us the conviction that it is time to act. Our own level of anxiety can cause us to act prematurely and sometimes unwisely when waiting on God in prayer would have saved us problems and given Him time to act on His own.
This is particularly true in instances where we try to convince others to solve some problem in their lives (acting for the Holy Spirit - bidden or not bidden) rather than praying that the Holy Spirit would act in His way and His time in that individual's heart.
As my own faith has matured, I have learned to act less and pray more about issues facing me. I am constantly amazed at how God creatively solves issues that either could not have solved or in His fashion. When I am tempted to act precipitously I turn to the Psalms and remind myself that "The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore" (Psalm 121:8).
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
How do you think best?
It may be something you have not consciously considered but it is helpful for you to know: How do you think best? Let me explain.
One of the reasons I write and blog is that it is in the discipline of writing that I do much of my best thinking. When I write, thoughts flow, develop and come to life. Sometimes, I have God moments in writing where something profound ends up on paper and I wonder where it came from. This is also why I have usually used manuscripts in my preaching to the chagrin of my homiletics professors.
I have a brilliant friend who runs a global ministry. For years I have suggested he write because his message needs to be heard. But he has struggled with getting it on paper. But when he speaks, his heart flows and the message is clear and the profound thoughts come. What he has discovered is that he thinks best when speaking, not writing. So, using technology, we simply record his speaking in order to capture his thinking.
Another close colleague is the master of dialogue. He thinks best when conversing with others, in the give and take of ideas and questions. In dialogue he forms his thoughts and he is at his best in the give and take of conversation, out of which comes wisdom.
I think my wife does her best thinking when she is in action, especially helping people who are hurting or in need. She shines there and when I listen to her, it is often lessons or insights from these opportunities that she talks about.
One of my closest friends is also one of the deepest thinkers I know. He can focus on an issue for hours, days or weeks. He runs the issue through his mind thinking of alternatives, consequences, options like a chess player who considers all the possible moves based on the move he is going to make. He does his best thinking in the recesses of his mind, quiet and alone.
Songwriters often think the best in the composing of their music and it is the medium of song in which their best ideas form.
God was creative in forming our wiring. All of us have a unique style of thinking and knowing how we do our best thinking is a key to unlocking our full potential. Once we know, we ought to take advantage of that knowledge. So I write..... and you.....
One of the reasons I write and blog is that it is in the discipline of writing that I do much of my best thinking. When I write, thoughts flow, develop and come to life. Sometimes, I have God moments in writing where something profound ends up on paper and I wonder where it came from. This is also why I have usually used manuscripts in my preaching to the chagrin of my homiletics professors.
I have a brilliant friend who runs a global ministry. For years I have suggested he write because his message needs to be heard. But he has struggled with getting it on paper. But when he speaks, his heart flows and the message is clear and the profound thoughts come. What he has discovered is that he thinks best when speaking, not writing. So, using technology, we simply record his speaking in order to capture his thinking.
Another close colleague is the master of dialogue. He thinks best when conversing with others, in the give and take of ideas and questions. In dialogue he forms his thoughts and he is at his best in the give and take of conversation, out of which comes wisdom.
I think my wife does her best thinking when she is in action, especially helping people who are hurting or in need. She shines there and when I listen to her, it is often lessons or insights from these opportunities that she talks about.
One of my closest friends is also one of the deepest thinkers I know. He can focus on an issue for hours, days or weeks. He runs the issue through his mind thinking of alternatives, consequences, options like a chess player who considers all the possible moves based on the move he is going to make. He does his best thinking in the recesses of his mind, quiet and alone.
Songwriters often think the best in the composing of their music and it is the medium of song in which their best ideas form.
God was creative in forming our wiring. All of us have a unique style of thinking and knowing how we do our best thinking is a key to unlocking our full potential. Once we know, we ought to take advantage of that knowledge. So I write..... and you.....
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The daily choice: Be a life giver or a life taker
In John 10:10, Jesus makes a profound statement about himself in contrast to the evil one and it has implications for our daily lives. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." There is much that can be said about this verse but I want to look at it from the view of a daily choice that we make.
Everything about the evil one is life taking. His goal is to demean, put down, discourage, destroy, and literally suck the joy, purpose and meaning of life from us. He will do anything he can to hurt us, keep us in the bondage of sin, discourage us from living out our calling and lie to us about who we are. He is all about stealing life from us. His greatest joy is to keep us from the Father and a relationship with him. He is a life taker.
Everything about Jesus is about giving life. Through a relationship with him, through forgiveness, through the Holy Spirit in our lives, through the purpose he brings, the joy and peace in spite of circumstances. No one gives life like Jesus. He is the consummate life giver in every way. "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. He is a life giver.
In the Epistles, Paul often talks about things we are to take off and things we are to take on. The "take offs" are those things from our lower nature and sinful behaviors that are life taking both for ourselves and others. The "put ons" are life giving to ourselves and others. As we take off and put on we become more like Jesus, the one who came to give life and fullness of life.
The daily choice we make is whether we will choose to be life giving to ourselves and others or whether through our words, behaviors and attitudes we will be life taking. When my "cranky" self hurts my wife, I am life taking. When I am critical, unforgiving, impatient with others I am life taking. On the other hand, when I am living with the fruit of the Spirit and the love of 1 Corinthians 13, I am life giving - like Jesus. Think about how Jesus was a life giver to those around Him while the Pharisees were life takers with their legalism and critical, pompous spirits.
None of us want to be life takers but it takes a conscious choice to live like Jesus as a life giver in our relationships, care for others, words, attitudes and the quality of our love.
There is a reason we love to hang around "life givers." They encourage, accept us for who we are, extend us grace, cheer us on and build us up. Why? They are like Jesus as a life giver. Every morning I ask myself - will I be a life giver or life taker today?
Everything about the evil one is life taking. His goal is to demean, put down, discourage, destroy, and literally suck the joy, purpose and meaning of life from us. He will do anything he can to hurt us, keep us in the bondage of sin, discourage us from living out our calling and lie to us about who we are. He is all about stealing life from us. His greatest joy is to keep us from the Father and a relationship with him. He is a life taker.
Everything about Jesus is about giving life. Through a relationship with him, through forgiveness, through the Holy Spirit in our lives, through the purpose he brings, the joy and peace in spite of circumstances. No one gives life like Jesus. He is the consummate life giver in every way. "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full. He is a life giver.
In the Epistles, Paul often talks about things we are to take off and things we are to take on. The "take offs" are those things from our lower nature and sinful behaviors that are life taking both for ourselves and others. The "put ons" are life giving to ourselves and others. As we take off and put on we become more like Jesus, the one who came to give life and fullness of life.
The daily choice we make is whether we will choose to be life giving to ourselves and others or whether through our words, behaviors and attitudes we will be life taking. When my "cranky" self hurts my wife, I am life taking. When I am critical, unforgiving, impatient with others I am life taking. On the other hand, when I am living with the fruit of the Spirit and the love of 1 Corinthians 13, I am life giving - like Jesus. Think about how Jesus was a life giver to those around Him while the Pharisees were life takers with their legalism and critical, pompous spirits.
None of us want to be life takers but it takes a conscious choice to live like Jesus as a life giver in our relationships, care for others, words, attitudes and the quality of our love.
There is a reason we love to hang around "life givers." They encourage, accept us for who we are, extend us grace, cheer us on and build us up. Why? They are like Jesus as a life giver. Every morning I ask myself - will I be a life giver or life taker today?
Friday, May 13, 2011
Seven Marks of Gospel Centered Churches
For those of us who are committed to being a gospel centered church there are seven markers that we can pay attention too and intentionally encourage. Progress in these seven areas indicate that we are on the right track.
One: Gospel centered churches see regular conversions because they are focused on sharing the Gospel as a lifestyle. They celebrate new life in Christ, and help their congregation understand that sharing their faith is central to who they are and what they do. And, they keep track of their progress in this area.
Two: Gospel centered churches regularly challenge individuals to consider full time Christian service and see people answer that call. They encourage, support and celebrate those who choose to use their gifts in service of the Great Commission.
Three: Gospel centered churches focus more on life change toward the Image of Christ than on the imparting of theological information. They focus on the transformation of hearts, minds, life priorities and relationships and see regular transformation take place.
Four: Gospel centered churches, like Jesus have a high commitment to biblical compassion and loving the marginalized, neglected, hurting, poor and needy. In fact, they go out of their way to show the love of Jesus to those who others neglect and forget. Like, Jesus they have a love for "all people" not just "their people."
Five: Gospel centered churches are characterized by generosity. Their people are generous with one another when there are needs, generous in giving so that the Gospel is advanced and generous with their time and gifts. Their lives could be called "generous," lived for Jesus and others.
Six: Gospel centered churches have people who are "in the game" in terms of using their spiritual gifts and God given wiring to serve the church and be the hands, feet, and voice of Jesus in their circle of influence. They are intentional in making space in their lives for ministry.
Seven: Gospel centered churches replicate themselves by planting other churches, whether off site venues or independent churches. They intentionally "give themselves away" to see the Gospel penetrate new communities and neighborhoods. It is part of their regular strategy.
No individual or church gets this perfectly but progress in these areas should encourage you that you are on the right track. Celebrate and encourage your people in these directions and your spiritual influence as a congregation will increase.
One: Gospel centered churches see regular conversions because they are focused on sharing the Gospel as a lifestyle. They celebrate new life in Christ, and help their congregation understand that sharing their faith is central to who they are and what they do. And, they keep track of their progress in this area.
Two: Gospel centered churches regularly challenge individuals to consider full time Christian service and see people answer that call. They encourage, support and celebrate those who choose to use their gifts in service of the Great Commission.
Three: Gospel centered churches focus more on life change toward the Image of Christ than on the imparting of theological information. They focus on the transformation of hearts, minds, life priorities and relationships and see regular transformation take place.
Four: Gospel centered churches, like Jesus have a high commitment to biblical compassion and loving the marginalized, neglected, hurting, poor and needy. In fact, they go out of their way to show the love of Jesus to those who others neglect and forget. Like, Jesus they have a love for "all people" not just "their people."
Five: Gospel centered churches are characterized by generosity. Their people are generous with one another when there are needs, generous in giving so that the Gospel is advanced and generous with their time and gifts. Their lives could be called "generous," lived for Jesus and others.
Six: Gospel centered churches have people who are "in the game" in terms of using their spiritual gifts and God given wiring to serve the church and be the hands, feet, and voice of Jesus in their circle of influence. They are intentional in making space in their lives for ministry.
Seven: Gospel centered churches replicate themselves by planting other churches, whether off site venues or independent churches. They intentionally "give themselves away" to see the Gospel penetrate new communities and neighborhoods. It is part of their regular strategy.
No individual or church gets this perfectly but progress in these areas should encourage you that you are on the right track. Celebrate and encourage your people in these directions and your spiritual influence as a congregation will increase.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Seven Marks of Gospel Centered Churches
For those of us who are committed to being a gospel centered church there are seven markers that we can pay attention too and intentionally encourage. Progress in these seven areas indicate that we are on the right track.
One: Gospel centered churches see regular conversions because they are focused on sharing the Gospel as a lifestyle. They celebrate new life in Christ, and help their congregation understand that sharing their faith is central to who they are and what they do. And, they keep track of their progress in this area.
Two: Gospel centered churches regularly challenge individuals to consider full time Christian service and see people answer that call. They encourage, support and celebrate those who choose to use their gifts in service of the Great Commission.
Three: Gospel centered churches focus more on life change toward the Image of Christ than on the imparting of theological information. They focus on the transformation of hearts, minds, life priorities and relationships and see regular transformation take place.
Four: Gospel centered churches, like Jesus have a high commitment to biblical compassion and loving the marginalized, neglected, hurting, poor and needy. In fact, they go out of their way to show the love of Jesus to those who others neglect and forget. Like, Jesus they have a love for "all people" not just "their people."
Five: Gospel centered churches are characterized by generosity. Their people are generous with one another when there are needs, generous in giving so that the Gospel is advanced and generous with their time and gifts. Their lives could be called "generous," lived for Jesus and others.
Six: Gospel centered churches have people who are "in the game" in terms of using their spiritual gifts and God given wiring to serve the church and be the hands, feet, and voice of Jesus in their circle of influence. They are intentional in making space in their lives for ministry.
Seven: Gospel centered churches replicate themselves by planting other churches, whether off site venues or independent churches. They intentionally "give themselves away" to see the Gospel penetrate new communities and neighborhoods. It is part of their regular strategy.
No individual or church gets this perfectly but progress in these areas should encourage you that you are on the right track. Celebrate and encourage your people in these directions and your spiritual influence as a congregation will increase.
One: Gospel centered churches see regular conversions because they are focused on sharing the Gospel as a lifestyle. They celebrate new life in Christ, and help their congregation understand that sharing their faith is central to who they are and what they do. And, they keep track of their progress in this area.
Two: Gospel centered churches regularly challenge individuals to consider full time Christian service and see people answer that call. They encourage, support and celebrate those who choose to use their gifts in service of the Great Commission.
Three: Gospel centered churches focus more on life change toward the Image of Christ than on the imparting of theological information. They focus on the transformation of hearts, minds, life priorities and relationships and see regular transformation take place.
Four: Gospel centered churches, like Jesus have a high commitment to biblical compassion and loving the marginalized, neglected, hurting, poor and needy. In fact, they go out of their way to show the love of Jesus to those who others neglect and forget. Like, Jesus they have a love for "all people" not just "their people."
Five: Gospel centered churches are characterized by generosity. Their people are generous with one another when there are needs, generous in giving so that the Gospel is advanced and generous with their time and gifts. Their lives could be called "generous," lived for Jesus and others.
Six: Gospel centered churches have people who are "in the game" in terms of using their spiritual gifts and God given wiring to serve the church and be the hands, feet, and voice of Jesus in their circle of influence. They are intentional in making space in their lives for ministry.
Seven: Gospel centered churches replicate themselves by planting other churches, whether off site venues or independent churches. They intentionally "give themselves away" to see the Gospel penetrate new communities and neighborhoods. It is part of their regular strategy.
No individual or church gets this perfectly but progress in these areas should encourage you that you are on the right track. Celebrate and encourage your people in these directions and your spiritual influence as a congregation will increase.
Scalability and growth
A secret of successful ministries is that they understand and build scalable systems that allow for growth rather than non scalable systems that stifle growth.
I remember doing a consultation for a church of 1,000+ and discovered in talking with the elders that they provided all the care for those in the congregation who were hurting. And, they were tired! What they had was a non scalable system for care because nine folks cannot provide care for a growing church. A scalable system of care would be where the care function resides in small groups which are easily reproducible as the church grows.
In youth work, a non scalable system is one where the youth leader personally disciples all the kids. A scalable system is one where the youth leader raises up a team and designs ministry paradigm that allows for any level of growth because it does not all come back to him/her.
A simple test to give you an idea as to whether your paradigms are scalable is this: Ask the question, "If the numbers involved in what we are doing were to double or triple, could our current system accommodate those numbers? If the answer is no you have a non-scalable system. If yes, you likely do.
The reason we should care about this is that non-scalable systems will become a barrier to growth and we might not even know it. The youth worker who tries to personally disciple all his/her kids, may not realize that once their available time is used up as the group grows that growth might just stop as new kids realize that they won't get what they need in that group. Whatever the ministry responsibility we have, if it is not scalable, it will prevent the growth we desire and limit the spiritual influence we have.
As the leader of a missions agency, we constantly have to ask the question of scalability in recruiting, vetting, training, and the many systems within the organization. It is not unusual for us to realize that some system we have is not scalable and needs to be rethought. Everything we and you do in ministry has a system. Some systems are scalable and invite growth. Some are not and stifle growth.
I remember doing a consultation for a church of 1,000+ and discovered in talking with the elders that they provided all the care for those in the congregation who were hurting. And, they were tired! What they had was a non scalable system for care because nine folks cannot provide care for a growing church. A scalable system of care would be where the care function resides in small groups which are easily reproducible as the church grows.
In youth work, a non scalable system is one where the youth leader personally disciples all the kids. A scalable system is one where the youth leader raises up a team and designs ministry paradigm that allows for any level of growth because it does not all come back to him/her.
A simple test to give you an idea as to whether your paradigms are scalable is this: Ask the question, "If the numbers involved in what we are doing were to double or triple, could our current system accommodate those numbers? If the answer is no you have a non-scalable system. If yes, you likely do.
The reason we should care about this is that non-scalable systems will become a barrier to growth and we might not even know it. The youth worker who tries to personally disciple all his/her kids, may not realize that once their available time is used up as the group grows that growth might just stop as new kids realize that they won't get what they need in that group. Whatever the ministry responsibility we have, if it is not scalable, it will prevent the growth we desire and limit the spiritual influence we have.
As the leader of a missions agency, we constantly have to ask the question of scalability in recruiting, vetting, training, and the many systems within the organization. It is not unusual for us to realize that some system we have is not scalable and needs to be rethought. Everything we and you do in ministry has a system. Some systems are scalable and invite growth. Some are not and stifle growth.
The good, bad, and ugly when hiring
A classic mistake made by ministries (and indeed non-ministries) when hiring for key positions is to paint an overly rosy picture of their situation. After all, we are recruiting and we want to make a good impression on our potential hire.
BAD IDEA!
In the first place, none of us like surprises and if our hire finds out that life is not what we painted it there is a measure of trust and confidence that is lost quickly when they see that reality differed from what we told them. This is a simple issue of integrity.
But there is more at stake! Recently I was in a conversation with a ministry leader and a potential senior leader. The ministry is one that has huge potential but there is very significant internal chaos at the moment with a lot of challenges. We laid out the scenario with great candor and I could see the potential leader salivating. His wiring is all about taking something that is broken and fixing it. The chaos was a challenge to him. Where many would see dysfunction (and it is surely there) he saw a job made for him and his skills.
Another potential hire, when told the "good, bad and ugly," wanted to run for the hills and had he been hired, things would have gone from ugly to implosion. His wiring was very different and had he not heard an honest description he would have come, felt betrayed and most likely turned on the leader because his wiring is not to fix but to take something working well and make it a little better.
Whenever we paint a picture that is different from reality we hurt ourselves because the situation we have must match the wiring and gifting of the potential hire for a successful marriage. When we simply tell the truth we not only gain instant credibility but we have a much better chance of matching the situation with the right gifting.
Be candid when hiring.
BAD IDEA!
In the first place, none of us like surprises and if our hire finds out that life is not what we painted it there is a measure of trust and confidence that is lost quickly when they see that reality differed from what we told them. This is a simple issue of integrity.
But there is more at stake! Recently I was in a conversation with a ministry leader and a potential senior leader. The ministry is one that has huge potential but there is very significant internal chaos at the moment with a lot of challenges. We laid out the scenario with great candor and I could see the potential leader salivating. His wiring is all about taking something that is broken and fixing it. The chaos was a challenge to him. Where many would see dysfunction (and it is surely there) he saw a job made for him and his skills.
Another potential hire, when told the "good, bad and ugly," wanted to run for the hills and had he been hired, things would have gone from ugly to implosion. His wiring was very different and had he not heard an honest description he would have come, felt betrayed and most likely turned on the leader because his wiring is not to fix but to take something working well and make it a little better.
Whenever we paint a picture that is different from reality we hurt ourselves because the situation we have must match the wiring and gifting of the potential hire for a successful marriage. When we simply tell the truth we not only gain instant credibility but we have a much better chance of matching the situation with the right gifting.
Be candid when hiring.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
When should a church change their governance system?
Tomorrow afternoon I do another consult with a church leadership team on significantly modifying their governance system. I have at least one conversation with church leaders every week over the frustration governance systems that are out of sync with the current size and needs of the church. So what are the classic signs that it is time to look at how you do governance?
1. There is frustration by staff on how long it takes to make ministry decisions or changes. Here is the funny thing. Many board members do not realize how frustrated their staff are on the decision making process. After all, they check in for a board meeting once or twice a week while staff are chomping at the bit to move things forward. Several weeks ago in a dialogue with a board one of the board members gave me the classic line, "Our system works great." I looked over at the senior pastor and asked, "Do you see it that way?" He shook his head NO!
When decisions cannot be made in a timely fashion by the right people it is time to rethink your leadership/governance system.
2. There is confusion about who is responsible for what. This is a common problem as churches grow. Is this a staff responsibility or board responsibility? Where there is confusion there is also room for conflict and misunderstandings. How often do staff make decisions only to be second guessed by a board member who was not in on the decision? That means that the decision has to be rehashed after the fact because there was not clarity up front on who had the authority to make it.
Confusion over who is responsible for what creates conflict and misunderstanding and it is a sign you need to rethink your governance.
3. You have long interminable board meetings. One board I spoke with recently, told me that they had two board meetings a month that went from seven PM to midnight or after. I would have been stunned except it is all too common. No church board should have to meet for more than two hours twice a month on a regular basis!
Long board meetings are a sure sign of a broken decision making system.
4. Permission must be obtained from multiple groups before a decision can be made. Any time a leadership board has to get permission, funding or assent from another committee or board in the church, you are operating on a redundant system that has toll booths built into the decision making process. It is a waste of time, talent and energy.
Toll booths rather than easy pass is a sign you need to revisit your governance.
5. The board has a hard time making decisions. How many boards revisit the same issues over and over again either because they didn't make a clear decision or because they didn't make any decision. It is no wonder that good leaders often decline to serve on the board.
Revisiting previously made decisions over and over is a sign of a broken governance system.
6. The board does management rather than providing leadership. How many times do we need to say that staff manage the ministry while boards set the overall parameters of the ministry. Yet most boards spend most of their time dealing with management minutia that someone else could be doing. In doing so, they have abdicated their more important leadership role of ensuring that the church is maximizing its ministry impact.
Management by committee (board) is a sure sign of a dysfunctional governance system.
If any of these six markers characterize your board, pay attention and consider re evaluating your governance and leadership systems.
1. There is frustration by staff on how long it takes to make ministry decisions or changes. Here is the funny thing. Many board members do not realize how frustrated their staff are on the decision making process. After all, they check in for a board meeting once or twice a week while staff are chomping at the bit to move things forward. Several weeks ago in a dialogue with a board one of the board members gave me the classic line, "Our system works great." I looked over at the senior pastor and asked, "Do you see it that way?" He shook his head NO!
When decisions cannot be made in a timely fashion by the right people it is time to rethink your leadership/governance system.
2. There is confusion about who is responsible for what. This is a common problem as churches grow. Is this a staff responsibility or board responsibility? Where there is confusion there is also room for conflict and misunderstandings. How often do staff make decisions only to be second guessed by a board member who was not in on the decision? That means that the decision has to be rehashed after the fact because there was not clarity up front on who had the authority to make it.
Confusion over who is responsible for what creates conflict and misunderstanding and it is a sign you need to rethink your governance.
3. You have long interminable board meetings. One board I spoke with recently, told me that they had two board meetings a month that went from seven PM to midnight or after. I would have been stunned except it is all too common. No church board should have to meet for more than two hours twice a month on a regular basis!
Long board meetings are a sure sign of a broken decision making system.
4. Permission must be obtained from multiple groups before a decision can be made. Any time a leadership board has to get permission, funding or assent from another committee or board in the church, you are operating on a redundant system that has toll booths built into the decision making process. It is a waste of time, talent and energy.
Toll booths rather than easy pass is a sign you need to revisit your governance.
5. The board has a hard time making decisions. How many boards revisit the same issues over and over again either because they didn't make a clear decision or because they didn't make any decision. It is no wonder that good leaders often decline to serve on the board.
Revisiting previously made decisions over and over is a sign of a broken governance system.
6. The board does management rather than providing leadership. How many times do we need to say that staff manage the ministry while boards set the overall parameters of the ministry. Yet most boards spend most of their time dealing with management minutia that someone else could be doing. In doing so, they have abdicated their more important leadership role of ensuring that the church is maximizing its ministry impact.
Management by committee (board) is a sure sign of a dysfunctional governance system.
If any of these six markers characterize your board, pay attention and consider re evaluating your governance and leadership systems.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Signs you work in a toxic workplace
Lack of respect from your supervisor or leadership. Respect means that you are valued, that your opinions are taken seriously, that you are not taken for granted and that you are acknowledged for your contribution. Lack of respect eats away at our sense of self-worth and that you are not valued for your work. Lack of respect is often a sign of arrogance or even narcissism in a leader who needs to devalue others in order to add value to themselves.
Abusive behavior. I just spoke to an individual who has been the target of profane laced diatribes by a well known Christian leader whose conversations to those outside his organization are spiritual and uplifting! His words to his own employees are often demeaning, caustic, often angry and certainly don’t fit the definition of uplifting and encouraging. Abusive behavior whether with words or actions create uncertainty, anxiety and loss of respect.
Unpredictability. A hallmark of stable work environments is an element of predictability in leaders. You understand what their values are, what you can expect from them, where the organization is going and what is expected of you. Leaders who are unpredictable and whose behaviors or values or direction is subject to regular change create anxiety in their staff. That unpredictability is not just a “behavior quirk,” but often a symptom of an unhealthy leader. His or her unpredictability creates instability among staff and that instability is destructive to a healthy workplace.
Leading by fiat. This is the leader who rather than building a shared leadership culture and team simply tells people what to do, how to do it and expect others to jump at their command. They don’t respect boundaries, time, and opinions of others and treat employees as their servants. One thing they rarely keep are the best employees who refuse to be treated like chattel and who want a voice in the work they are doing. This environment leads to high turnover as the best choose to leave if indeed they come in the first place.
Cultures of fear. Unhealthy leaders often create a culture of fear where staff feel that they need to walk on eggshells, cannot be honest with their views and live with constant anxiety that they will not live up to their leader’s expectations. Ongoing or regular fear on the part of staff is a sign of a toxic environment which usually goes back to the leader. Another way of saying this is that where there is constant “drama” there is something toxic taking place.
Narcissistic leaders. The theme here is that it is all about the leader. They take the credit when things go well and blame others when things go south. They are always right and as long as you agree with them you are on the inside. Once you choose to disagree you are marginalized, demonized and placed on the outside. With a narcissistic leader you are either good or bad and that is determined by whether you agree with or challenge them. Narcissistic leaders create paranoid workplaces.
Lack of trust. Where there are significant trust issues in an organization, it is usually a symptom of deep leadership issues. Mistrust indicates that there is not a true team, that collaborative leadership is not possible and is usually a symptom of leaders who are unhealthy. Healthy leaders create trusting cultures and model what trust looks like in their relationships, behaviors and conversation. Lack of trust is deeply toxic and has the affect of creating deeper mistrust.
Lack of trust. Where there are significant trust issues in an organization, it is usually a symptom of deep leadership issues. Mistrust indicates that there is not a true team, that collaborative leadership is not possible and is usually a symptom of leaders who are unhealthy. Healthy leaders create trusting cultures and model what trust looks like in their relationships, behaviors and conversation. Lack of trust is deeply toxic and has the affect of creating deeper mistrust.
Bottom line? If you work in a toxic workplace you often don’t even realize how much anxiety you live with or how unhealthy your environment is until you choose to leave and all of a sudden realize that you feel free and are no longer carrying the heavy burdens you have been living with. If your workplace is characterized by any of the seven descriptors listed above, you ought to seriously consider leaving. Life is short and God wants us to use our gifting in positive, meaningful ways that bring joy and satisfaction rather than fear and anxiety. Choose to be courageous and find a healthy workplace.
TJ Addington (Addington Consulting) has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.
"Creating cultures of organizational excellence."
De escalating Conflict
Conflicts are easy to get into and harder to get out of. Often they result from a misunderstanding between parties where there is either poor communication or the message is misunderstood. However it happens, when conflict occurs we have three choices: escalate the conflict, allow it to simmer or seek to de escalate.
Usually conflict escalates when we respond out of emotion. All of us have done this. Think about conflict you have had with your spouse and how easy it is to take a shot back when something was said we didn't like and the conflict escalates. Often, it was not even the intention of the other party to create conflict but in our misreading of their intent we responded out of emotion and actually created the conflict. The use of Email has created many misunderstandings because messages are cryptic, dialogue is difficult and one does not hear the tone behind the message.
Here are some ways to de escalate conflict.
First, wait to respond until you have processed your emotion so that you are not responding out of emotion. Remind yourself that what you "heard" may not be what was "intended." If the message from the other came out of their emotion or anxiety, responding with you emotion or anxiety will only escalate the issue. You want your response to be matter of fact, conciliatory and without emotion or anxiety and that often takes some time to process. Until our emotion and anxiety levels are low, our response is likely to escalate rather than de escalate.
Second, rather than assuming the intending message was meant the way it came across, personally (in person, by phone or Internet) clarify the intended message. Questions like, "This is how your message came across to me. Is that what you intended?" can help clarify and will often create the very dialogue needed to come to understanding.
Third, if there is a significant difference in thinking, work to "normalize" the relationship by acknowledging the difference but keeping the door open for dialogue and not allowing the conflict to destroy the relationship. Once relationships go south it is much harder to resolve the conflict because one then has to solve the relational issue before one can tackle the issue that created the conflict. When we can separate the conflict from the relationship there is a much better chance of resolution.
Fourth, don't allow others to hook you into emotional responses. They may remain emotional but you want to remain as calm and collected as possible. When emotions, anger and anxiety drive the process all kinds of collateral damage takes place. Even if you feel the emotion internally, try not to allow it to express itself in your body language or words.
De escalating conflict is an art and those who work at it find that they avoid all kinds of unpleasantness, become peacemakers, broker understanding and create healthy workplaces, homes and relationships.
Usually conflict escalates when we respond out of emotion. All of us have done this. Think about conflict you have had with your spouse and how easy it is to take a shot back when something was said we didn't like and the conflict escalates. Often, it was not even the intention of the other party to create conflict but in our misreading of their intent we responded out of emotion and actually created the conflict. The use of Email has created many misunderstandings because messages are cryptic, dialogue is difficult and one does not hear the tone behind the message.
Here are some ways to de escalate conflict.
First, wait to respond until you have processed your emotion so that you are not responding out of emotion. Remind yourself that what you "heard" may not be what was "intended." If the message from the other came out of their emotion or anxiety, responding with you emotion or anxiety will only escalate the issue. You want your response to be matter of fact, conciliatory and without emotion or anxiety and that often takes some time to process. Until our emotion and anxiety levels are low, our response is likely to escalate rather than de escalate.
Second, rather than assuming the intending message was meant the way it came across, personally (in person, by phone or Internet) clarify the intended message. Questions like, "This is how your message came across to me. Is that what you intended?" can help clarify and will often create the very dialogue needed to come to understanding.
Third, if there is a significant difference in thinking, work to "normalize" the relationship by acknowledging the difference but keeping the door open for dialogue and not allowing the conflict to destroy the relationship. Once relationships go south it is much harder to resolve the conflict because one then has to solve the relational issue before one can tackle the issue that created the conflict. When we can separate the conflict from the relationship there is a much better chance of resolution.
Fourth, don't allow others to hook you into emotional responses. They may remain emotional but you want to remain as calm and collected as possible. When emotions, anger and anxiety drive the process all kinds of collateral damage takes place. Even if you feel the emotion internally, try not to allow it to express itself in your body language or words.
De escalating conflict is an art and those who work at it find that they avoid all kinds of unpleasantness, become peacemakers, broker understanding and create healthy workplaces, homes and relationships.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Uncivil discourse and professional heresy hunters
The level of discourse in the public arena, whether in Washington or Madison or town hall meetings has become distressingly low. Talking heads on television do nothing to raise either good discourse, or civility either.
I expect this in the public arena but am distressed by the same lack of gracious discourse in the Christian arena. Take for instance, the many websites and numerous heresy charges against Rick Warren. It is not infrequent that another long missive appears in my in box with new charges of false teaching or character assassination by proxy since he is friends with people who don't have impeccable theology by the standards of the writer. The level of invective and anger is high while the biblical evidence of the charges is beyond low. These folks specialize in taking quotes out of context and calling foul when a careful reading would indicate that the charge has nothing to do with reality. Even if the charges were true (which I don't for a moment believe) the way the message is delivered is "behavioral heresy" as it does not reflect the gracious attitudes of believers. Jesus was full of grace and truth.
I once was in a meeting where the litmus test was whether I endorsed The Purpose Driven Church (If I did I was in the heretical and suspect camp). I looked at the individual who asked the question and said, "few churches have had the impact that Saddleback has had and the key is that they have a purpose and stick to their purpose. How does your church compare?" That of course was the irony of the question. These are people who like to divide people into groups: those that are right and those that are wrong. They define the rules, see no room for a different way of looking at the issue and are uncivil in their discussions.
Even where robust dialogue must take place (Rob Bell), there is no need to engage in character assassination. It is possible to explore the issues from a biblical perspective while preserving the dignity of the author. I love reading N.T. Wright, for instance and would not agree with all of his conclusions but would never attack his character because I disagree.
It would be sad to get to heaven and realize that we had split theological hairs so closely that we had done harm to God's people and God's kingdom. There are clearly heretical positions and snake salesmen (think late night TV) peddling themselves. But, there are also many professional critics looking for demons behind many good people and ministries. These are the very endless arguments that Paul warns Timothy to avoid in his letters to him.
My radar goes up when I hear from black and white folks for whom there is no theological gray, who are quick to judge others (see my blog on self righteous), who join groups who look for "false teaching" and seem to find it even among mainstream leaders and whose attitudes do not reflect the graciousness of Christ.
If the mark of a believer is love, all of our discourse must be marked by civility and love. And we ought to be very careful before we throw stones at fellow believers or their beliefs. Orthodoxy is a wide tent and much of the stone throwing has nothing to do with orthodoxy but rather with personal preferences or a narrow reading of theology.
I expect this in the public arena but am distressed by the same lack of gracious discourse in the Christian arena. Take for instance, the many websites and numerous heresy charges against Rick Warren. It is not infrequent that another long missive appears in my in box with new charges of false teaching or character assassination by proxy since he is friends with people who don't have impeccable theology by the standards of the writer. The level of invective and anger is high while the biblical evidence of the charges is beyond low. These folks specialize in taking quotes out of context and calling foul when a careful reading would indicate that the charge has nothing to do with reality. Even if the charges were true (which I don't for a moment believe) the way the message is delivered is "behavioral heresy" as it does not reflect the gracious attitudes of believers. Jesus was full of grace and truth.
I once was in a meeting where the litmus test was whether I endorsed The Purpose Driven Church (If I did I was in the heretical and suspect camp). I looked at the individual who asked the question and said, "few churches have had the impact that Saddleback has had and the key is that they have a purpose and stick to their purpose. How does your church compare?" That of course was the irony of the question. These are people who like to divide people into groups: those that are right and those that are wrong. They define the rules, see no room for a different way of looking at the issue and are uncivil in their discussions.
Even where robust dialogue must take place (Rob Bell), there is no need to engage in character assassination. It is possible to explore the issues from a biblical perspective while preserving the dignity of the author. I love reading N.T. Wright, for instance and would not agree with all of his conclusions but would never attack his character because I disagree.
It would be sad to get to heaven and realize that we had split theological hairs so closely that we had done harm to God's people and God's kingdom. There are clearly heretical positions and snake salesmen (think late night TV) peddling themselves. But, there are also many professional critics looking for demons behind many good people and ministries. These are the very endless arguments that Paul warns Timothy to avoid in his letters to him.
My radar goes up when I hear from black and white folks for whom there is no theological gray, who are quick to judge others (see my blog on self righteous), who join groups who look for "false teaching" and seem to find it even among mainstream leaders and whose attitudes do not reflect the graciousness of Christ.
If the mark of a believer is love, all of our discourse must be marked by civility and love. And we ought to be very careful before we throw stones at fellow believers or their beliefs. Orthodoxy is a wide tent and much of the stone throwing has nothing to do with orthodoxy but rather with personal preferences or a narrow reading of theology.
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