Gossip and Slander: the Scourge of many Churches

 

Congregations pride themselves in "being like Jesus." Yet, in many congregations, there is a willingness to overlook one of the most divisive and disruptive behaviors of all. It is not heresy. It is gossip and slander.

Gossip and slander are not having a difference of opinion. Everyone is entitled in the church to differences of opinion. Gossip and slander assassinate the character of another individual. You can kill a person physically - something we would never do in the church. But we seem skilled at killing another's character at will and without any consequence. 

Gossip is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as: "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true."

Slander is defined as "the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation." Or to "make false and damaging statements about (someone)."

The reason that gossip and slander are so often linked together is that when we engage in gossip, especially when we share details that we cannot confirm as being true, we are often engaging in slander as well. Trafficking in second-hand information where we have no redeeming purpose for sharing such information is an anti-value in the church.

Gossip is often the result of an issue with another without the courage to go and have a conversation with that individual. So rather than seeking to resolve our issue with a specific person, we instead talk to others about them. In doing so, we drag innocent bystanders into our issues, and they often take up our cause with no first-hand knowledge of our issues. Now, we have recruited additional character assassinators for our cause. And, we have left the individual who is our target without any means to explain, defend, or bring reconciliation as they are not even part of the process. 

In one church I am familiar with at present, there is a concerted effort by one couple who is at odds with the pastor (and the board) to bring disrepute to the pastor. They have recruited many close friends to their cause, and the charges against the pastor can be traced back to this one couple. In another church, there have been armchair critics for years in the shadows, sowing mistrust and discord against whoever was in leadership at the moment. 

These situations are an internal cancer in any church. The New Testament is explicit that gossip, slander, and anything that does not build up the body is anti-Christ behavior. In addition, Paul warns against those who cause division in the church. Certainly, gossip and slander cause division, mistrust, ill feelings, and deep hurt to those who are the targets. To make matters worse, many who traffic in gossip do so under the guise of "we need to pray for _____ about." In other words, they hide their gossip by declaring their spiritual intent, which is total nonsense and probably not well received by Jesus Himself. 

The church is ill-served by professional Pharisees who love to snipe at others about lifestyle choices, dress, and any number of personal choices. How in the world can we expect new folks to feel comfortable in our midst when the critical Pharisiacle spirits are allowed to run rampant among us. Gossip is one of the most prevalent reasons that people do not feel safe in the local church. This is also why spiritual formation is such a challenge. How can you do true spiritual formation in a culture where gossip and backstabbing are OK?

Culture is what we create or allow. If we allow gossip in our body, we are allowing behavior that the New Testament strongly condemns. The alternative is to create a culture where gossip is not OK and where the expectation is that we deal with differences in a Matthew 18 manner. And that we learn what it means to live in the same grace with one another as Jesus grants to each of us on a daily basis. Think of the difference in our relationships if that were true. 

For some suggestions on how to create a culture of grace and eliminate gossip and slander from your congregation, see Creating a Culture of Grace and Eliminating the Scourge of Gossip, Slander, and Judgementalism in your Congregation. 

The Five Responsibilities of every Leader

 

Grow your self awareness and become a better version of you

 

Dictionary

Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

self-a·ware·ness

noun

1. conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

   "the process can be painful but it leads to greater self-awareness"

Do you know who you are and why you do what you do? Do you know how others experience you? Too often we pay too little attention to understanding ourselves and in the process we hurt others around us and are often not remotely aware that we did so.

Each of us impacts those around us. We cause them to experience emotions like joy, acceptance, grace, condemnation, irrelevance, judgement or any number of positive or negative emotions. Self awareness is the ability to understand how others perceive us and what they experience in our presence. Awareness is the first step toward ensuring that our impact on others is what we desire it to be.

How we impact others is directly connected to our ability to understand our own behaviors, motives and attitudes. Many of us are not completely aware of why we say and do what we do. This can be because we speak and act before we stop and consider what we are doing and why.

Years ago I learned that when I responded quickly, I often did so without the diplomacy I truly desired. What I said may have been true but it was blunt and hard. I actually put a post-it in front of me in many meetings that said KMS. Keep Mouth Shut. Practicing KMS allowed me to consider what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. 

When I was in contentious situations, I leaned to not only KMS but to respond to a frontal attack with a question. It gave me time to think about my response and to invite dialogue rather than to respond out of emotion, thus bringing down the tension rather than contributing to it. 

I also learned that when someone "Pushed buttons in my emotions" the issue was not what they said (no matter how irritating or out of order) but something in me that caused me to react to their statement. Thus I started to become more aware of my own emotional responses and seek to understand why my emotions were struck by their words. 

Those who best understand themselves and who learn to regulate their emotions and responses become healthier versions of themselves. Self aware individuals often have more influence than non-self aware individuals because their responses are more mature, better regulated and in understanding how others experience them they can avoid behaviors that push people away and focus on those that bring people closer. 

Leaders who develop healthy self awareness tend to create healthier cultures in their organizations than those who don't. Do some research, and become more self aware. It will not only help you but it will bless those around you.

The Taxonomy of Knowing: What you know, don't know, don't know that you know and don't know that you don't know. By Edumund Chan

 In response to “stewarding knowledge capital”, I was recently asked about Donald Rumsfeld’s “Knowns and Unknowns”, formatted in a paradigm somewhat akin in orientation to Johari’s Window.

While the paradigm is helpful, we must nonetheless humbly recognize that the taxonomy of KNOWING is far more complex in the real world of learning and discovery.

The whole point is to be a lifelong learner, which involves discovery, learning, and growth in community.

Let’s begin with something simple and familiar. There are four basic quadrants of KNOWING -

What I know I know.
What I know I don’t know.
What I don’t know I know.
What I don’t know I don’t know.

But the taxonomy of KNOWING is complex. At least, it’s not as simple as we think!

For KNOWING is not a solitary act. It’s a communal, interactive discovery.

So, we have to move from the individualistic cognition (the “I know” and the “I don’t know”) to add another marker towards a communal cognition (the “you know” and the “you don’t know”).

And with this, the communal experience of you and I KNOWING gets interesting (and mind-blogging!)

Consider this. There are some things I know that I know. And if you know me, you’ll probably know that I know (and that I know that I know).

Likewise, there are some things that you know you know; and if I know you, I would also know that you know (and that you know that you know).

But it doesn’t stop there!

In many other things, I know I don’t know, and you know that I don’t know (and that I know that I don’t know). And likewise, there are some things you know that you don’t know, and I would know that you don’t know (and that you know that you don’t know).

But it gets a little more complicated - when I don’t know that I don’t know, and you know that I don’t know that I don’t know. Or, in reverse, you don’t know that you don’t know; and I know that you don’t know that you don’t know.

Or, it might be another aspect of cognitive dissonance where I don’t know that I know, and you know that I don’t know that I know. Or maybe, it’s the other way around. You don’t know that you know, and I know that you don’t know that you know.

Or, the case might be that I know I know, but you don’t know that I know; or conversely, you know you know, but I don’t know you know.

Add another permutation. I know I don’t know, but you don’t know that I don’t know (or that I know that I don’t know). Or conversely, you know that you don’t know, but I don’t know that you don’t know (or that you know that you don’t know)!

Now it also gets complicated when I don’t know I know, and you don’t know that I don’t know I know. Or perhaps the case might be that you don’t know that you know, and I don’t know that you don’t know that you know, right?

Then again, it might be that I don’t know that I don’t know, and you don’t know that I don’t know that I don’t know. Or conversely, you don’t know that you don’t know, and I don’t know that you don’t know that you don’t know!!!

But hey, there’s MORE!

Till now, these mind-stretching permutations revolves only around “you” and “I” - it would become even more challenging when we include a ‘THEY’!

For what’s more complex is when I don’t know I don’t know that I don’t know, and you don’t know that I don’t even know that I don’t know that I don’t know; and you likewise don’t know that you don’t know you don’t know, and I don’t know that you don’t know that you don’t know - but THEY KNOW that WE DON’T KNOW!!!

Put simply, I don’t know, and you also don’t know, that WE don’t know we don’t know that we don’t know - but THEY KNOW!

*BUT what if THEY don’t know, YOU KNOW??!!!*

Hey, I better stop here. Who knows WHO knows?!! Except GOD KNOWS!

If you don’t get the above, it’s alright. Get this. My fundamental view is that the taxonomy of KNOWING is complex. And so, we ought to be life-long learners in a community of life-long learners. To keep on learning, discovering and growing!

Have a blessed pilgrimage ahead!

Characteristics of Gracious Leaders

 

I love meeting gracious leaders. There is a quality that endears them to insiders and outsiders alike. Moreover, they possess essential characteristics that all leaders can emulate and learn from. Here are some of the most important.

When they are with you, they focus on the conversation rather than thinking about other things. Being present in the moment when with others is a discipline that says, "You are important," and "I am interested in what you are saying." Too many leaders do not allow themselves to be fully present but are obviously thinking about other things.

Gracious leaders like to listen and ask questions. In other words, they focus outwardly on others rather than inwardly on themselves. As a result, they engage in your life, your ministry, your family, and you!

Gracious leaders are generous in their praise, thanks, and appreciation and sparing in criticism. When they need to press into an issue, they do it gently and clearly, but you always get the sense that they care about you and want you to succeed.

They don't hold grudges and have short memories of adverse events in the past. Gracious leaders have a way of focusing on the positive while not ignoring the negative. They keep short accounts, let you know what they think even when course corrections are needed, and then move on.

The language of gracious leaders is uplifting, encouraging, and life-giving. That last quality is critical. Think about those you interact with that discourage or drain you. Gracious leaders are the opposite. After interactions with them, you are filled and encouraged because gracious leaders are life givers rather than life takers. You want to be around them as a result.

Gracious leaders may be busy, but they are never too busy to take the time to stop, acknowledge others, and interact with them. As a result, they give the impression that their staff and constituency are supremely important and do so because it is genuinely true as outward-focused individuals.

Gracious leaders can be generous with others because they are comfortable in their own skin and at home with themselves. In other words, they have paid attention to their own hearts and inner lives, and as a result, that healthy inner life spills out into their relationships with others. Their graciousness is a discipline (how I treat others) and a habit (because they are internally healthy). 

In many ways, the Fruit of the Spirit encompasses the character of a gracious leader. It is a worthwhile exercise for leaders to regularly ask themselves if their relationships are characterized by the fruit of love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control. The more we focus on these and develop our inner lives around them, the more gracious we will become.

Don't allow these issues to derail your great leadership

It is possible to have effective leadership skills and still undermine one's leadership. And this is not only a risk for young leaders for often for leaders that have seen significant success. 

Hubris. This should be obvious, but it isn't always! Success breeds confidence, and that confidence can cause us to overestimate our wisdom and underestimate our need for counsel. This can creep up on us over time without our realizing it until we are no longer open to the input of others, which eventually comes back to bite us.

Schedule. Good leaders are in demand. That demand can cause us to say yes too often and no too seldom. Busyness wears us down, tires our bodies and minds, and robs us of thinking time and even time with God. Schedule erosion eventually catches up to us in negative ways.

Entitlement. Successful leaders can start believing that the rules don't apply to them as to others. One of the ways this often plays out is in behaviors that they would not allow others to exhibit but which they feel they can. This may be carelessness in treating others in words or attitudes or taking staff for granted. Because they have the positional authority, they often get away with behaviors that they shouldn't, but by doing so, they lose the respect of their staff.

Laziness. Many leaders who saw success in one period of life lose their edge in another because they no longer feel the need to stay sharp, learn new skills, and understand the changing environment around them. This can result from out-of-control schedules or hubris, but whenever we stop being intentional in our development, we begin to lose our ability to lead well.

Health. I understand this and have had to become deeply intentional about addressing my health issues. When we don't, those issues often compromise our energy and our ability to carry out our leadership roles. In the second half of life, this is one that leaders must become more intentional about if they are going to go the distance.

Transformation. It is what God wants to do in our hearts, thinking, priorities (lifestyle), and relationships, and it is a lifelong process. I love the comment my brother made at my father's funeral service. "He was not a perfect man, but he kept getting better." Cooperating with the Holy Spirit to become everything God made us to be and to become more and more like Jesus is one of the prime responsibilities of leaders who model transformation for others. When we lose our intentionality here, others notice, and it sabotages our leadership.

Clarity. Lack of personal and leadership clarity leaves our staff and us without focus. No matter how brilliant one is, a lack of focus confuses those we lead. Life should be a journey toward ever greater clarity about what God wants us to do (and alternatively not do), what our priorities should be (and there should be only a few), and what the target is for our work (without which our staff will lack direction). 

Discipline. No amount of brilliance makes up for the lack of discipline in our lives. Our personal discipline reflects our understanding of God's call on our lives and our commitment to stewarding the gifts He has given for maximum impact. Lack of discipline communicates a carelessness about that stewardship. 

Jesus. Life is not about us but about Him. It is easy to forget that and focus on our things rather than His. But, whenever we take our eyes off Him, we start to sink as Peter did when He left the boat to be with Him. To the extent that we lose that focus, we hurt our leadership - and ourselves.

What sabotages your leadership? It can be one of these, or it can be other things. Being sensitive to whatever it is will allow us to go the distance.

Seven signs of a closed and dysfunctional ministry system to be wary of

 

I spoke recently with a ministry leader who had resigned from his church staff position (a large church) because of the dysfunctional culture that he sensed. Having left the "system," he now realizes that it was a great deal more dysfunctional than he thought, and he is so glad to be out of it. When we are in a "closed" system that is dysfunctional or toxic, we may sense that not all is right, but it is when we get out that we realize how dysfunctional it was. This applies to staff systems as well as whole congregations where there is significant dishealth. Such dysfunction can be part of the historic DNA of the church, a dysfunctional board, a dysfunctional leader, or a "church boss" who wields unhealthy power and has a personal agenda.

These same dynamics play out on church boards!

What are some of the signs of a closed and dysfunctional ministry system?

One: There is great pressure for people to think in similar ways and not to have independent voices. In closed systems, independent opinions that go against the "group think" are a threat and are not valued. Often, independent thinkers in ministries are either labeled as troublemakers or spiritually immature. Certainly, it is not safe to disagree significantly.

Two: Questions about the status quo are seen as disloyalty. This is especially true for senior leaders who are insecure and do not like their paradigms or opinions to be questioned. As long as one keeps the party line, you are "in." If you ask hard questions, you are marginalized.

Three: Candid dialogue is not allowed. Usually, it is the senior leader who sets the tone here. In closed systems, candid dialogue is a threat rather than a valued part of the culture. The reason is that such dialogue will inevitably challenge the standard line.

Four: In closed systems, senior leaders often protect themselves from accountability or questions. They hide behind a spiritual veil that sounds good but keeps people from getting too close. And they surround themselves with people who will agree with them and those who don't usually don't stay: either because they know how dysfunctional it is or they are marginalized or let go. 

Five: When independent voices appear, or when someone steps out of the prevailing culture, there is great pressure put on them to get in line and conform to the standard opinions. It is a family system thing, and any threat to the prevailing culture brings pressure for conformity. Those who are deeply vested put pressure on independent voices to conform and get back in line.  This is why, in dysfunctional staff situations and congregations, independent thinkers often leave. They see the system for what it is and know it is unhealthy.

Six: In closed systems, those who leave are marginalized and become non-entities. People in the system don't talk to those who left the system and are seen as disloyal. It is no different than a dysfunctional family (family system theory), where there is a high level of pressure to ensure that people conform, and when they don't, they are left outside by themselves.

Seven: The most telling moment for those who get out of such systems is how free they feel once they are out of it. And even though they knew it was unhealthy, they realized once out how unhealthy it was. Those who leave are also a threat to those who stay, who, at some level, feel that those leaving are not loyal. They have violated the family system.

If any of these characteristics are true of your staff or the ministry, you are to consider the possibility that you are caught in a closed and dysfunctional system. None of this has anything to do with a healthy church, staff, or board. Nor the love of Jesus. It is simply an unhealthy and dysfunctional family system played out in a congregation. And it happens all too frequently. Once out, people recognize how toxic it was. 

Key lessons I have learned about leadership along the way

 

Learning to lead well is learned the hard way over time. I took time recently to consider what I know today that I needed to understand better as a young leader. It is a long list that simply says how little I knew about good leadership as a young leader. The raw stuff was there, but there was and is much to learn. If you fit that young leader category, these may be things to consider.

• Many issues are not as urgent as I think they are. Relax, and don't equate all issues to having the same urgency. 

• Flexibility is critical for good leadership. Most of life is not black and white; compromise is essential to getting things done. 

• Necessary or desired changes do not need to take place immediately. As a leader, I can only move as fast as those I lead can follow. I need to be patient and sensitive in leading through change.

• I don't need to take differences personally. It is about the mission, not about me. Pushback and disagreements are healthy if we can come to healthy solutions.

• The key to everything is relationships. It pays to develop relationships even with those who disagree with me. Mutual respect and understanding come through relationships.

• Anxiety is wasted energy. Don't worry about things that one cannot control. The worst is unlikely to happen anyway.

• I can be wrong, and it does not hurt my leadership. Develop a "nothing to prove and nothing to lose attitude," and one gains freedom.

• Just be me. I cannot lead like anyone else. God made me who He made me; I need to lead from who He created me to be. Learn to be comfortable in one's own skin.

• Don't die on anthills! It is painful and unnecessary. There are some hills to die on, but only a few. Be wary of which one you take your stand on.

• Don't judge motives. We usually don't know what they are, and almost always, when we attribute poor motives to others, we are wrong.

• Relationships are everything. Influence comes through relationships, so press into those hard with those one needs to work with, even if they seem to be detractors. 

• I should never measure myself against others. That is a false measurement. I should measure my progress and whether I am better today than yesterday. 

• My own inner life must take precedence over all other things. The healthier I am emotionally, spiritually, and relationally, the better my leadership. The inner life always comes first.

• I don't need to change the world - and I cannot. What God does want me to do is influence my small corner of the world.

• God is sovereign. When I carry around great anxiety and worry, I try to do His job. I can relax knowing that He is always ultimately in control.

• Not all things get fixed on this side of heaven. God is always sovereign, but He does not force people, and there are situations and people issues that I will not be able to fix.

• Humility is at the core of all good leadership. Arrogance and thinking more of myself than I should get me into trouble. We all overestimate our gifts and importance and underestimate our faults and shadow side.

• Emotional intelligence matters a lot. The more I grow my EQ, my relationships, leadership, and personal health improve.

• God died for the Bride and not the brand. God wants me to focus on His kingdom, not my evangelical brand. I should appreciate all of his players and not just a few.

• I don't need to compete but to be faithful. I am not in competition with others but instead called to be faithful to what He wants me to do. 

• It is OK that not everyone likes me. In fact, if everyone likes me, I am probably not leading well. Popularity is not the end goal of leadership.

• I am only good at a few things. It is how God created me (Ephesians 2:10) and is why I need others around me. Their gifts make up for my many deficits.

• I can never give enough credit away. As a leader, I give credit to the team and take responsibility for the failures. It is what leaders do.

• God can guard my reputation. This means I don't need to - even when people are obnoxious or hurtful.

• If I am threatened by others, that is my problem, not theirs. The question is, "Why do they threaten me, and what does that say about my inner health?" To the extent that I lack personal security, I must press into those EQ issues.

• Perceived failures are usually just growth opportunities. What we define as a failure, God is simply using to grow us into who He wants us to be.

• God can superintend my ministry path. He knows where I will be most valuable and influential. I don't need to seek success but be faithful to where He has called me.

• Position does not equal influence. I can have as much influence as He wants me to have from whatever position or platform God' gives.

• Success must be measured from His rather than the world's perspective. God does not measure success the way the world does. My job is to use the gifts and opportunities He puts in front of me for maximum Kingdom advantage. 

The whiplash effect of leaders who easily change their minds and strategies

 

One of the most difficult challenges many staff teams face is a leader who has new ideas on a frequent basis. Those new ideas can set off a chain of changes that reverberate through the staff and organization as there is a scramble to implement the newest version of the leader's vision or strategy.

Any change that comes from the top impacts the organization. And changes are absolutely necessary from time to time. 

The challenge comes when a leader frequently tries new ideas as they seek the holy grail of organizational success without understanding the disorienting nature of what they think are simple (and brilliant) ideas. 

For the leader, the new solution seems obvious and simple. For staff, the new solution often creates frustration as their prior efforts to implement the last great idea are now supplanted by the need to scrap that work and work on a new strategy. This can create cynicism among staff who scramble to keep up with the latest strategy. Sometimes those new ideas are called the "flavor of the month" as staff knows there will be a new idea soon.

Resisting this temptation is part of the maturity growth of a leader.

This is not about resisting change. It is about being wise and managing change properly. How one does change management matters because many are impacted. Frequent changes indicate that the leader himself/herself is not clear as to where they are going. Lack of clarity in the mind of a leader is problematic!

A leader who frequently changes their mind or strategies often has not done the hard work of clarifying the organization's direction. Clarity of the organization's identity and what they are about must always precede strategies. When strategies come without organizational clarity, you simply get chaos as leaders throw ideas at the wall to see what may or may not stick. 

Wise leaders are clear on who the organization is and where it is going. In addition, they vet any proposed changes with other leaders to ensure that they have considered the unintended consequences of their decisions. And, they talk candidly with those who will be affected by the new direction so that staff is not taken by surprise. 

In my leadership history, I have waited up to a year to make a proposed change until I knew I had the support and understanding of the leadership team. I learned that I could not make unilateral changes but needed the wisdom and support of those around me to negotiate change successfully. That helped ensure I didn't act precipitously and create organizational whiplash. The counsel of others kept me from making changes too quickly, but I had to learn to work with my senior team rather than make unilateral decisions.

Clarity and care in the change process are part of a leader's maturity growth. Guided change based on clear objectives can keep leaders from creating whiplash with their staff. 

This is one church brand that no one can compete with

 

Churches spend an inordinate amount of energy to attract those who need Jesus to their ministry. This includes high-energy worship, attractive spaces, first-impression ministries, branding, swag, food, and seeking to differentiate one's ministry from others in the area. 

Nothing is wrong with these efforts except that they often miss the most important magnet any church could have. 

Ask yourself this question: What attracted people to Jesus? Think about that for a moment. Why did people want to be around Jesus? Why did they flock to hear Him? Or want to spend time with Him?

The answer is very simple: It was the way he loved people, accepted them, and demonstrated grace to them. He was the safest, most loving, grace-filled, merciful, and kind individual people had ever met. 

How many congregations have you experienced that have those qualities? When one finds that kind of community, it is a powerful magnet because it is a community that embraces a Jesus culture. No program, branding, swag, or first impressions ministry can compete with that kind of community.

Jesus is the brand. His culture is the brand. His love is the brand. All the ancillary stuff is nice, but what attracts people is the culture of Jesus.

Is it possible that in the absence of that kind of love, we try to find other ways to attract people to our ministry?

What would happen if we focused on helping people to look, live and love like Jesus? What if that was our strategy to attract people to our ministry? 

Not a program. Not a slogan. Not an initiative. Rather, a sustained, unchanging emphasis on developing people to look, live and love like Jesus: To love God with all our heart, soul, and mind and to love others as Jesus has loved us. 

I would come - and stay - and many others would as well. 

Let's not confuse our strategies for the ONE THING Jesus demonstrated and taught. They will know me by your love. That is the best attractional strategy any congregation could ever have. Bring the best you have. Be as friendly and welcoming as possible, but major in training people to look, live and love like Jesus. That is the greatest magnet. The rest is extra. Love is central. Jesus is the brand!

The sin of faux relationships in the church

 

faux

/fō/

Learn to pronounce

adjective

1. made in imitation; artificial.

   "a string of faux pearls"

   • not genuine; fake or false.

     "their faux concern for the well-being of the voters didn't fool many"

Congregations are supposed to be friendly, warm, kind, and welcoming spaces. In fact, if your church is indicative, it probably has a "first impressions" ministry to ensure that new folks are welcomed and feel at home. This is as it should be because it can be daunting to walk into a new space and feel genuinely at home.

The problem is that, in many cases, church relationships are not genuine. They are a lie. They are faux relationships that exist as long as you fit into the faux community that pretends it is a genuine community. It is a Potemkin village where it looks beautiful, but the beauty is a facade. 

Here are indicators that what you think is real is false and faux. If you leave a church for whatever reason, do people quit talking to you? Are the relationships over? It happens all the time because in leaving, you have violated the rules that we are together - a community. The truth is that in those situations, you were not a real community but a pseudo-community that exists as long as you are on the inside. Once on the outside, those relationships simply disappear. 

If you ask hard questions and irritate leaders or staff and they stop talking to you, you know that the relationships you thought you had were not genuine. They were false and faux. You have been effectively shunned and sent outside the camp, and you realize that what you thought was community was only community when you conformed to the group. 

The indicator of faux relationships is how quickly one can go from being on the inside to finding oneself on the outside. It is disorienting and crazymaking. How did you go from being a valued community member to a pariah in such a short time? And you ask yourself, was what I had real? And you conclude that it was not. All of a sudden, people don't talk to you, don't care for you, and you know that you have been put outside the "loving circle" of that congregation. In fact, you are no longer wanted!

Why does this matter? It matters because faux relationships are relationships of convenience - but they are not genuine relationships. They do not express the love that Jesus has for us and that we are to have for one another, which emanate deeply from the heart and persist in good and bad times, in times of agreement and disagreement. Real love is not easily destroyed or walked away from. Yet we do this in the church all the time. You are either on the inside or the outside!

I know people who have abandoned church altogether after experiencing faux relationships. The realization that they were loved and appreciated only when they toed the party line was a bitter pill to swallow. They realize that they were not loved at all.

There is a pragmatism that drives faux relationships. We won't find and retain new people if we are not a welcoming church. But we will not invest in those relationships because that takes time and effort. We want the community without the effort to actually build community. "Life Together," as Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes in his classic volume, is way too deep a commitment. So, in many churches, relationships look real but are not.

In an irony, Bonhoeffer says this about Christian community. "The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community." Here lies the reason there are so many faux relationships in the church. We have a dream of a community. We have slogans for that dream. We idolize that dream, but we don't actually choose to love those around us, and our dream destroys the very concept of a real community.

I have experienced this phenomenon at times in my own church experience. It is painful, sad and disorienting. The good news is that it convinced me that what I had was fake and that what I wanted was genuine. But it was deeply painful nonetheless. I invested that period of my life in a dream of community rather than in a real community. I, for one, want the real thing.

Don't settle for faux relationships in the church. They are fake, won't stand the test of time, and don't reflect the real love Jesus calls us to have for one another. 

If you are a church leader, I don't care what your dream for community is. Remember the words of Bonhoeffer, "The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community." 

The frustration many experience in serving on a church board - and how to solve it

 

Straight up, let me say that I believe in a plurality of leadership for the church. It is how God designed it, and when it functions well, it is a beautiful thing. However, having been a pastor, church leader, board member, and consultant to church boards for over 30 years, I know they can be deeply frustrating. Most of that frustration is self-imposed in that we don't pay attention to some fundamental principles that, if followed, would move the experience of many from deeply frustrating to deeply satisfying. 

What are those fundamentals?

1. Guard the gate to who gets on the board! Get the wrong people, and you sabotage the board. The most powerful group in the church, bar none, are those who make leadership board selections. Healthy boards always insert themselves into that process to ensure the wrong people don't get on. Three to six years with the wrong individuals is deadly to boards. Be smart in how you choose leaders.

2. Understand your role. Boards are responsible for ensuring that the congregation is taught, protected, led, empowered and, released, cared for and that the spiritual temperature in the congregation is kept high. Many boards don't even have a job description, let alone focus on the right things. A focus on the wrong things hurts the board and the church. My book, High Impact Church Boards can be a help.

3. Spend quality time in prayer together. Most boards don't! They get so caught up in the minutia of details (that someone else could do) that they don't have time to pray, think, study the word together, and seek the counsel of the Lord of the church they serve as undershepherds. When business and administration crowd out prayer, it is a sign that the board is moving in a dangerous direction.

4. Use an agenda and allow the chair to prioritize what is important and what is not. Not all rocks are big rocks. Some are pebbles and sand that someone else should deal with. Leaders deal with big rocks and delegate everything that can and should be delegated. Many leaders serve their "time" and then retire from church boards precisely because they don't focus on what is important, and as leaders, they want to do that.

5. Always operate with a board covenant that spells out how members relate to one another, make decisions, and handle conflict and members' expectations - including how to handle recalcitrant board members. Boards operate without such a covenant at their own risk.

6. Lead boldly and help the congregation become the people God wants them to be. Timid leadership in the church in epidemic! And deeply sad. One of the reasons many congregations have so little spiritual influence beyond the edges of their parking lot goes right back to the timid leadership of their leaders. Remember, we lead on behalf of Jesus. 

7. When there are elephants in the room, name them and deal with them honestly and sensitively. Too many church boards ignore the true issues of the church because we don't want to offend anyone. The irony is that we all know they exist and need to be dealt with, so we might as well name them because once named, they are no longer elephants but simply issues to be dealt with.

8. Evaluate how you are doing as a board. Here are 15 simple questions that will tell you a great deal about the health of your board. Have your board spend ten minutes answering the questions, and you will have some fodder for discussion that can help you improve your board, its leadership, and your experience. 

9. When you need to change direction or deal with known issues, don't try to tweak your way out of a crisis. Tweaks don't work in a crisis. Change does, with candid communication with the congregation. 

10. Be candid with the congregation. Spin in the church is ubiquitous, creating disillusionment with leadership and the church itself. Don't contribute to that disillusionment.

Effective boards are a joy to serve on. Ineffective boards are a major frustration. Which one do you have?

Living out God's grace

 

It is not by accident that the hymn, Amazing Grace is a favorite for so many. It captures so well the essence of what attracted us to Jesus and redeemed us, and it will indeed be something that we will spend eternity trying to comprehend. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:8-9)."

I am convinced that we will never fully understand the full scope of God's grace on this side of eternity, but that it must be something we push into daily. The more we understand His grace in our lives, the more content we are in Jesus, the more grace we show others, and the more we look like Jesus. He is the essence of grace, which made Him the magnet for the people He encountered.

Understanding grace is a life changer for us and how we relate to others. Too often, we are recipients of God's grace but are not students of what it means to extend that same grace to others. Legalism, conditional acceptance, interpersonal conflict, and lack of love, even in the church, are evidence of the great need for God's people to grow in grace. Knowing the truth is not enough for Christ's followers. Living out the truth with the grace of Christ is what will attract others to us and then to Jesus. Jesus came full of "grace and truth." Do we?

For instance, when I truly understand and live out grace:

-I no longer try to earn God's favor but understand that there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and there is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. Therefore I can be joyful and content in my daily walk with Him.

-I do not need to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but rather extend to them the grace God extends to me, pray for them, and be patient with their faults as God is with mine. I am slow to judge, quick to think the best, and remember how patient and gracious God is with me in my personal growth as I extend that same attitude toward others.

-I can forgive myself for my shortcomings, knowing God has already done that. My motivation to grow in my obedience is no longer about earning His favor but rather wanting to please Him out of gratitude for His amazing love.

-I forgive others quickly, knowing that Jesus extends that gift to me daily. I cannot withhold from others what Jesus has so graciously extended to me. I don't give people what they deserve but what they don't deserve, just as Jesus did not give us what we deserve.

-I no longer look at people the way the world does but know that every individual I encounter has eternal value in His eyes and, therefore, must in my eyes. I go out of my way to love those that others don't love and to give value to those that others forget. 

-I don't display conditional love, just as Jesus does not give me conditional love. Unconditional love is the love of grace, an act of our will based on God's unconditional love for me.

-I love to surprise people with grace when they least expect or even deserve it. Just like Jesus with tax collectors, prostitutes, adulterers, lepers, and all considered undeserving and worthy only of judgment. After all, God surprised us with grace when we did not deserve or expect it.

-I am not hard or harsh, even when I need to bring correction to a brother or sister. Rather, my motivation is always love that comes out of God's gracious love in my own life. I display toward others the same graciousness that God gives to me daily.

-I love to encourage those who have messed up that God is not finished with them yet and that He can redeem their sin and give them hope and a purpose. After all, that is what God did for us. He is the hope for the broken, the guilty, and the hopeless. There is no person and no situation that God cannot redeem so we become evangelists of His hope.

There are many other characteristics of living out a life of grace. One of the most valuable things we can do is to regularly think about our relationships, attitudes, words, and actions from a filter of God's grace to us. Reading the gospels regularly helps us to capture the secrets of Jesus' grace to inform us of what it means to live a grace-filled life.

Do you have guerrilla warfare in your organization?

Guerrilla warfare is unconventional and hard to anticipate and contain as it operates in the shadows but pops into the light from time to time. The same is true of passive-aggressive behavior within organizations. It is a way of quietly subverting something or someone in the shadows and behind the scenes while portraying an attitude of cooperation. This is why I have elsewhere called the behavior a form of dishonesty. It portrays one thing and actually does another.

Passive aggressive behavior can take many forms. It can include delaying tactics on things that others need to be done, not communicating key pieces of information that others need, being supportive in person and unsupportive behind the scenes with others, ignoring standard processes, not keeping promises, and other behaviors that are meant to prick or hurt an individual or a group that they don't like or have a bone to pick with. But, it is done in the shadows where it is hard for others to hold them accountable.

I once was the target of such an individual who delayed their response, didn't tell me they needed additional information to fulfill their obligation, and used less than gracious wording in their communications so that it sent a message but was not overtly over the line. The individual obviously meant to send me a message through their actions, and I got it loud and clear. It was subtle but effective. I had no desire to further work with that individual and instead dealt with their supervisor and not them (they don't work for me).

Why does this matter? It matters for two reasons. First, passive-aggressive individuals tell you through their behavior that they are not truly with you. In other words, you have someone who says they are on the team, but in reality, they are not. Their heart is not there, or they have a bone to pick with leadership, but either way, they are not truly on your team. You have an obvious lack of alignment.

Second, if you consider the behaviors above, they hurt the work of whatever team they are on by putting, as it were, sludge in the works. Their lack of active cooperation inevitably gets in the way of what the team or organization is trying to do. It hurts the team and the organization.

How do you deal with passive-aggressive individuals? In my experience, the first thing to do is to address the unacceptable behaviors when they occur. If there is a pattern of those behaviors, keep track of them, and with a passive-aggressive individual, there will be a pattern. At some point, the pattern of behavior can be addressed.

Because this is guerrilla warfare that operates from the shadows. in some cases, you simply allow the individual enough rope to hang themselves since ongoing behaviors like this will eventually irritate enough people that you can act on them. You cannot go to motives but hold people accountable for their behaviors.

If you suspect you have passive-aggressive behaviors in your organization, keep an eye on it, as it could hurt you, your team, or the organization itself.