Relational resets

There are times when relationships have gone sideways and have become dysfunctional enough that it takes an intentional reset to get them back on track. I have been involved helping a number of individuals recently reset critical relationships.

A reset is not pretending that the issues that caused the dysfunction or conflict is ignored. In fact, it is only when both parties are willing to acknowledge the damage and the reasons for the dysfunction that one can realistically reset the relationship. Without truly honest dialogue parties can sometimes agree to live in peace but a relational reset requires truly honest and candid conversation.

It starts with the ability of both parties to tell one another the truth about how they truly feel and why. In most cases this conversation will need to be brokered by a skilled facilitator who can draw out the issues and ensure that they all get put on the table. In that conversation it is critical that all issues that have become problematic are put on the table so there are no elephants that remain. Getting it all on the table is the first step toward a relational reset.

The second step is to talk through the issues that have been identified without defensiveness on either side. Non defensiveness invites dialogue and without dialogue, parties do not have a chance to understand one another. When we can listen to one another and seek to understand one another it allow us to ask probing questions in order to understand one another and to push into attitudes or practices that have hurt the other party or ourselves.

The third step is to discuss what kind of relationship the two parties desire. Write it down and clearly define the preferred relationship.

Step four is to ask the question, "If we are going to reset the relationship in the way we have defined it, what changes are necessary for each of us?" This may involve, communication issues, keeping short accounts, changing attitudes, not questioning motives and any number of other changes. These identified changes need to be written down as well.

This may not be a short conversation. It could take a day or longer depending on how deep the divisions are. I can tell you from personal experience that it can make a great difference for us, for relationships and for the Kingdom.

A theology of relationships: 7 Biblical guidelines

Scripture has a great deal to say about relationships - principles that are often violated and which leads to all kinds of dysfunction, misunderstandings and conflict. If, on the other hand we lived out the relational counsel of Scripture there would be far less relational chaos in our world.

Speaking the truth in love
Speaking truth to others is incredibly important. Truth is about honesty. Not being fully truthful is a form of dishonesty which does no parties any good. Of course there are two temptations here. The first is not to speak the whole truth and the second is to speak the truth harshly (without consideration and love). Both will get us into relational trouble

Self definition
This is about the ability to speak the truth to others even when we know that others will disagree. There is often the temptation to tell others what they want to hear rather than what we really think. When Jesus says, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no," He is speaking to the issue of personal honesty (Matthew 5:37). When we give people the wrong impression of what we are actually thinking we sow the seeds of future misunderstanding.

Forgiveness
It goes without saying perhaps except that there are many who refuse to forgive those who have wronged them or for a perceived slight. Not only do we end up unable to restore the relationship when we don't forgive but we start to live in a prison of bitterness of our own making. A fallen world demands relational resets that can only take place when forgiveness is extended.

Making assumptions about motives
Much relational disconnect comes from assuming the motives of others - something we cannot do because we cannot know the thoughts and hearts of another. When Jesus tells us not to judge others but pay attention to the issues of our own hearts he is going to the heart of no making assumptions about the motives of others. We can judge behaviors but we cannot judge hearts and when we do we are usually wrong.

Extending patience and kindness
The fruit of the Spirit: Love, joy, peace patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control ought to be the guiding relational attitudes we bring to bear in every relationship and interaction. It is not easy and they are not called the fruit of the Spirit for nothing - they require the Holy Spirit in our lives to live out. Think of how much relational disconnect would be avoided if we lived that out!

Conflict resolution
When Jesus says not to let the sun go down on our wrath he is indicating that keeping short accounts is critical. The Scriptures say a great deal about peace between individuals and Paul tells us to live at peace with one another - at least as it depends on us. This is a choice we make. Matthew 18 makes it clear that to resolve conflict we must go to the one with whom a relationship has been broken and not to others.

Humility
A posture of humility, seeing ourselves realistically and treating others as worthy of honor is a huge asset in good relationships and one that was modeled by Christ. Pride and needing to be right and have our own way hurt relationships every time. By definition, pride destroys healthy relationships as it is now about me rather than about us.

A connected world with siloed ministries: Why?

We live in a connected world. More so than ever before and it is growing rapidly. But churches, denominations, mission agencies and other ministries are still disconnected, siloed and living in their own small universe. Why?


Talk to any business leader and they will tell you about alliances with other businesses across international borders. Talk to non-profits and they will describe the interconnected nature of what they do. Why? Because they realize that they can do more through strategic alliances and connections than they can alone. It is a very connected world.


Then talk to most denominational officials, local church pastors and mission agencies and they look at you with puzzled eyes when you ask them about their strategic alliances with others - or cooperative efforts. And they (we) work for the Lord of the universe whose Kingdom needs no competition but huge cooperation. Once again, the church and missions are decades behind the rest of society and poorer because of it.


The day of ministry brand loyalty to the exclusion of other brands should be over. The day of ministry brand cooperation needs to start. It is a connected world and those connections can make all of us healthier and more fruitful. 


As in business alliances, this does not mean one loses their identity and certainly one chooses with whom they want to be connected but they do so for a higher kingdom purpose and are willing to set aside the lesser things that divide us for the greater purpose that unites us - the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the expansion of His Church and Kingdom.


In the old world, connection was hard and often impossible. That was in the pre-globalized black and white world. In the new world the whole world is connected - with the exception of most ministries. Yet today it is not only easy but necessary. No church or denomination can reach a whole city. We need connection. No mission can reach a city, region or country. We need connection. 


How connected is your ministry - beyond itself: With other ministries in common ministry pursuits? How connected is your mission with other missions in common mission pursuits? 


The advances of connection in today's world are a great gift to the church if the church will take advantage of it. The petty differences that divide many of us should be set aside for the sake of the Gospel and the advance of His Kingdom. Our own egos and ambitions need to be set aside for the sake of Jesus's name and reputation and Gospel.


I have 2600 friends on Facebook from all over the world (the introverts strategy of being an extrovert). When will ministries connect that way in a connected world? It is worth thinking about and praying about. 

Seven keys to developing meaningful ministry relationships

I am a firm believer in developing kingdom relationships for kingdom purposes. My life is deeply enriched by all the wonderful friendships that have developed over the years, both inside and outside of my movement. God can use these relationships for His purposes in ways that are wonderfully creative and synergistic. 

Here are seven keys to developing these kingdom relationships.

One: Be intentional. I pray regularly that God would bring me into contact with those who I should meet. When they come across my path I take the time to spend time and get to know them. This includes those who are younger and have smaller ministries than we might have. It is not about meeting people who have a "name."

Two: Be genuinely interested in them and their ministry. This is not about what they can do for you - it is about relationship and if there are ways you can help one another, that will become clear. If not, you have a new friend.

Three: Invest in the relationship. Stay in touch. Let them know you genuinely care about them. Small acts of kindness go a long way.

Four: Go out of your way to contribute something to them. We have a philosophy in ReachGlobal that whatever we have we will give away. We want to bless others and bless God's work. It is what He would do and about His Kingdom.

Five: Find out what makes them tick. People are wonderfully unique. The more you understand what drives and motivates them and their unique wiring the better you know them and can relate to them.

Six: Never use them. People know when they are being used. And, there are groupies in the Christian world just like the Rock world. When we use people we have violated the last four keys. Never do it. That is not true relationship. 

Seven: Pray for them. If we really care about someone else and their ministry we will take the time to pray for them. And, if you pray for them, it will no longer be about what they can do for you but you join them in their ministry.

There is always more: don't settle

Is this all there is? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Realizing that life is different than you expected and maybe you are on the other side of fifty? Perhaps life as we dreamt it would be and life as we know it to be brings a certain dissapointment and restlessness of the soul. Is this all there is?


Jesus says NO! There is always more: don't settle. He says, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full (John 10:10)." He wants us to have a life that is fully lived, fully realized, fully filled up and full of Him. He is the giver, the source and the goal of the "more" that we long for.


As long as we have life, there are six areas of life where we can always experience more. 


Dreams to pursue. Who is the giver of our deepest longings if not God? I knew as a young child that I would write but it took over fifty years to get the first book out and now there are four and several on the way. He is the giver of dreams so don't settle. Our world is made better every day by those who pursue God given dreams.


Relationships to develop. God gave us the capacity for close, meaningful relationships but they take time and nurturing to grow and flourish. Relationships with fellow pilgrims are what bring some of the greatest richness to life. Each one changes us in some way. That is why the loss of a friend through death is so traumatic. We are enriched when we invest in those relationships.


People to love. Being Jesus to others through our love, help, assistance, encouragement, and kindness brings joy to the heart and richness of life. We find life as we give it away in a Jesus sense. Life is not found in what we get as much as in what we give. There is no shortage of people to love and to be Jesus to. In fact there are now 7 billion to choose from so enrich your life daily by being Jesus to someone.


Growth in Jesus to experience. He is the source and goal of the "more" we long for. Learning to live in His presence, focusing on allowing Him to transform us, letting His Word marinate in our minds and walking in His Spirit is an ongoing, never ending process of growth. It costs nothing and is the most rewarding life giving and soul satisfying thing we could do.


Things to learn. Who created us with the capacity to learn and to grow if not our Creator? Those billions of neurons in our brain were designed by a creative God for His creative people. As part of the Image He endowed us with, He created us to create and to learn and to stretch our minds because the more we do, the more we appreciate the One who gave the gift. It is never too late to learn and grow.


Creation to enjoy. Why are we drawn to the shore, or to mountains, or to the streams to fly fish? Why are we awed by the sky on a clear dark night? Why does the sea fascinate us? Why is my 16 month old grandchild smitten by the funny looking creatures he sees at the zoo looking back at him? He made all this for us and as we consider it and play in it we experience the Creator in a new way. And, His majesty is greater than the sum of it. 


There is always more so don't settle. And in the end, the MORE with Him in His presence will be so much more that it will take a new and heavenly body to experience it - replacing this present one that starts of fail us. Don't settle!

Hidden agendas and passive aggressive behavior

Have you ever worked with someone who is passive aggressive? Probably all of us have. What lies behind this behavior are hidden agendas - a desire to get somewhere on some issue that is kept hidden rather than stated up front. What is unhealthy about the behavior is not the agenda itself - all of us have them, but the fact that an individual is not willing to be honest about their agenda with others.


Hidden agendas and passive aggressive behavior are actually a form of dishonesty that destroys trust. It is dishonest in that the actual agenda of an individual is unstated and hidden. Therefore it is not possible for others to address it. Either they must guess at the agenda or they figure it out from behaviors but it is still difficult to put on the table because it is unstated. 


In our organization we have a principle called Robust Dialogue where any issue can be put on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. The reason there cannot be hidden agendas is that you cannot have honest dialogue when they are present. What you actually have is a surface dialogue with other issues underlying the conversation that remain unstated.


Hidden agendas are often a way of trying to outmaneuver or undermine another individual without stating it. When this happens on church boards or teams it creates an underlying conflict in the group which may or may not be recognized but it is surely felt. 


I was once called by a pastor who had a former leader in his church pushing him to take a sabbatical. He and the board were thinking that maybe it was a good idea. After asking a few questions it became clear that this individual had a history of undermining the senior pastor. 


In dialogue it became clear that he most likely had a hidden agenda in his suggestion - getting the senior pastor out of town so that he could undermine his leadership. He clearly had an agenda that he was not stating and that was therefore dishonest. Rather than stating his issues up front he was maneuvering from behind. 


This is why healthy organizations make it clear that in their culture they will not tolerate hidden agendas and call people on it when they exhibit passive aggressive behavior or there is indication that there is an agenda behind the stated agenda. We are too lax in allowing behaviors that are toxic and unhealthy. Rather we ought to set a standard and then hold people to them. It may be something you need to talk with your organization, board or team about.

Flexibility and the art of negotiation

An important trait for leaders as well as team and board members is that of flexibility: the ability to live with a certain ambiguity and the willingness to put aside one's personal preferences when necessary for the good of the group. 


Inflexible leaders (or team or board members) come off as autocratic and often as arrogant (whether they intend to or not) because they need to have their way. Their thinking is black and white and they are willing to die on hills not worth dying on. It creates great frustration for people around them who cannot figure out what the inflexibility is about.


With inflexibility comes a critical spirit because alternate ideas or choices are by nature the wrong ones. Thus, creative dialogue is stifled, killing healthy robust dialogue at the best and creating conflict at the worst as others push for a different and common solution.


I will never knowingly put an inflexible, black and white individual on a team because it will hurt the team. Nor will I put such an individual into leadership because they cannot lead collaboratively. In fact, inflexible leaders would be counterculture and destructive to our organization that is highly empowered and collegial. 


There are certainly black and white issues - integrity and sin for instance. But much of life is gray - neither black and white - where we make choices from among many options, none of which are either right or wrong. They are simply choices. In my fifties, I am far more flexible than I was in my twenties. I am less sure about many things but more sure about a few things. 


If you struggle with inflexibility, ask yourself these questions:

• If we do this, what is the worst that could happen?
• Am I willing to humble myself to the will of the group?
• Can I trust that the Holy Spirit will speak through the group?
• Why do I need to have my way?
• Why am I anxious about this decision?

Negotiation is the art of dialogue around those issues where we come at them from a different perspective than others. An inflexible individual tends not to dialogue but to push for their way. Flexible individuals are able to have a conversation around their differences and in the process usually come to a solution that is actually better than any of the individual solutions proposed. 

Ironically, the willingness to talk through differences often gets you closer to what you would have wished. That dialogue is actually negotiation if done with an open spirit.

Can I disagree with you and still keep my relationship with you?

One of the signs of emotional maturity is the ability to disagree with someone and still remain connected relationally. All too often, Christian leaders are unable to do this because they are threatened by those who do not agree with them. I have seen numerous cases, for instance, where a leader or member of a church is marginalized by the senior pastor when that individual disagrees with them.


Leaders who are unable to maintain relationship with those who disagree with them usually divide people into two camps: those that are for me and those that are against me. To live in the first camp usually means to agree with their leader. One gets moved to the second camp when one disagrees with their leader. It is a black and white, for and against world view that damages relationships, hurts the leadership potential of the leader who chooses to marginalize others and divides organizations and congregations. 


Often, church boards are divided by this thinking as the pastor divides in his mind and therefore his relationships those that are for him and those that are against him. It is a toxic behavior.


Here is an interesting question: What lies behind this kind of marginalization of someone who disagrees? I would suggest two answers: insecurity and pride.


Insecurity compels many leaders to need to be right. Anything that challenges their rightness becomes a threat and thus their marginalization of those who disagree with them. The need to be right and its resulting behaviors often masks great insecurity.


Pride and at its worst, narcissism, can also be at the root of this behavior. By definition, a narcissist must be right and anyone who challenges their world view is disregarded, marginalized (ignored) or becomes the enemy. To put it in Facebook terms they are summarily defriended.


This is obviously a tricky issue to confront as the moment one does, one is likely to be marginalized. Boards, because of their authority, can, if they are willing, confront the behavior of a leader. If he or she responds, it will be the kindest thing they ever did. If the issue is narcissism, it is unlikely that there will be any change and the board then has a deeper problem to deal with.


All of us, however, should ask ourselves the question as to whether we exhibit this kind of behavior. It divides, assigns ill motives and hurts teams and organizations. Lets make sure that we are not guilty.

Moving from fear to friendships with Muslims

Westerners have a caricature of Muslims that is largely based on media hype around radical Islamists,  9/11, the politics of Iran, Bin Laden, our wars in Iraq and the threat of Iran - all of which tend to breed fear, a desire to keep our distance and frankly a dislike and even disdain for Muslims.

Here is the problem. First, when it comes to the majority of Muslims, none of our caricature is remotely true. Second, Jesus loves Muslims with the same degree of which He loves non-Muslims which leads me to three: we are called to love and minister to those Jesus loves and who (like us) were made in His image.

Stereotypes are almost always the result of a lack of relationship with those we marginalize and stereotype. So the antidote to the caricature we have of Muslims is to actually engage with them in friendship. If every American evangelical had one Muslim friend the attitudes of the same would be vastly different.

I have met many Muslims and interacted with them on numerous ocasssions in the United States and internationally. Somali Muslim kids wave to me from across the street every morning and their basement is furnished with furniture that we outsourced. My taxi drivers and airport workers in Minneapolis are largely Muslim. I have had lengthy conversations with Muslims in my travels. 

While Muslims have a different mindset than we do they have the same dreams, aspirations, struggles, family issues and so on that we do. They are ordinary people who want to live their lives in peace, make a living wage, and negotiate life as well as they can. And most of them welcome a friendship with an American and separate American politics from friendship with American individuals. And because of the hospitality culture they come from once you are a friend, they will be intensely loyal.

As in all cases, friendships are the key to killing stereotypes and opening doors for the Gospel. As it relates to Muslims, the church in the United States must move from fear to friendship with their Muslim neighbors. In doing so our stereotypes will die, real friendships will emerge, the door will be opened to the Gospel and bridges built. Ironically you have more in common with Muslims as an individual than you have that separates you from them. But one does not know that without a friendship.

In fact, the premier curriculum for helping evangelicals understand Muslims and share the Gospel with Muslims is called Bridges and is available from the Crescent Project.

Certainly there are radical Muslims I don't want to associate with and Bin Laden when he was alive never invited me for a cup of tea and had he done so it might have ended badly. But truth be told there are people who call themselves Christians that I don't want to associate with as well (Westboro Baptist Church for instance). As any Baptist would point out, they don't represent Baptists but their own radical agenda.  Radicals of any persuasion are not my cup of tea (including in the evangelical sphere) but they also don't represent most others. 

My challenge for Christ followers is to develop at least one friendship with a Muslim and see how God uses that to change your heart and perhaps their heart. It will also help us move past our fear to something even more important: friendship - where the Gospel usually starts.

Those who need to control and how to recognize it

I am convinced that the desire to control others is a result of the fall and our sinful nature. And there are many people who are very good at controlling others. Often we feel the uncomfortable nature of someone's control but cannot always pinpoint the source of the control or its dysfunctional nature. 


Sometimes we don't realize the controlling nature of the relationship until we are out of the relationship. An abused spouse, for instance, often does not realize what freedom is until they have been out of the abusive relationship for a period of time and it is in retrospect that they are able to pinpoint the sources of the control.


People and even groups of people control others in a variety of ways: actions; anger; flattery; attitudes; words; money; organizational structure; friendship or lack of it; intimidation; closeness or marginalization. In each case, the effort is to control the actions, thinking or behavior of others. 


How does one know if there is control going on? Here are some signs:

• I am feeling pressured to act or believe a certain way
• I feel the displeasure of another when I act independently
• My relationship with another is based on how I respond to them
• I feel intimidation
• I experience flattery when doing what the other desires and anger or distance when I don't
• I experience threats: implicit or explicit
• The other wants an exclusive relationship with me and is not comfortable with me having a variety of relationships
• There is not freedom to disagree or push back
• The other has an attitude of "you are either my friend or my enemy", "you are either for me or against me."
• The other feels free to critique me but does not give me the freedom to critique them
• I often feel an air of condescension or superiority
• I feel used in certain circumstances where I am expected to act on their behalf when they need it but there is not reciprocation
• I am often wrong but they are not - at least they make me feel that way

What these kinds of feelings are telling us is that there is dysfunction in the relationship that is violating our sense of personal freedom. If a relationship has these kinds of feelings to it we are wise to do some introspection on the relationship because it is usually going to end badly. 

The reason it will end badly is that this is not a true and healthy friendship. Rather it is a relationship where one is being used - and when no longer needed will be discarded. Those who control people ultimately use people for their purposes. Otherwise they would have no need to control. 

Beware of controlling relationships. Someone is ultimately going to get hurt and it will not be the controller.

What your pastor might want to tell you if he could

Dear congregation:


It is a joy to serve you, most of the time. I love you and I love what I do but there are things that irritate me too. The problem is that while you have full freedom to tell me those things that irritate you, it is harder for me to tell you. So, this anonymous letter.


I know that Sundays are convenient days to talk to me about concerns you have, or criticisms, but it is not convenient for me. Nor Monday's. I work so hard to be ready for Sunday when I preach and teach and it is really discouraging when I get sideswiped by issues on those days. Can you wait till at least Tuesday?


Also, as a pastor I have a congregation with 500 adults which also means 500 people who have an opinion on almost everything. I want to know what you think if you can share it nicely and without an agenda to force me to do something. Part of being a body is being flexible enough to deal with the varied people we have and to learn to live together in harmony. I try to be flexible. I hope you can be as well.


On that matter. Remember that this is not the church you left to come to this one. I know they did things a certain way but we are not that church (remember why you decided to leave there?). We are a different church with our own DNA and way of doing things. So please don't expect us to do things the way your past church(s) did them.


Sometimes I do things that irritate others. I guess it is part of being human. I know that as the pastor that is not really allowed but it can and will happen. Can you forgive me as I get to forgive a lot of others on a regular basis? It is hard to preach to people who are holding grudges and issues that they won't let go of. Maybe you could sit in the very back instead of the front row if you can't let it go :). 


I am learning to not be as defensive as I sometimes am. I guess one can become so when they care so much about something and I care a lot about the church and its people. Easy criticism is hurtful to me because I am doing my very best. Thoughtful, loving dialogue is something I can handle a lot better if you have constructive ideas.


I know it bothers some of you that I cannot be at all events. The truth is that I have a family like you and I do my best to balance my family and ministry responsibilities. I also get tired from the many heavy issues that people have and bring to me. I love to minister to hurting people but sometimes I just need to get away and regain my perspective and rest. Thanks for understanding.


Oh, another thought. On a lot of things you really don't need me. You need someone to help but not necessarily your senior pastor. We need to learn to minister to one another and not expect the pastor to do all the ministering. I am pretty sure that is why the Holy Spirit gives gifts to everyone. Let's spread out the caring and ministry so that we are all in ministry because otherwise I will burn out. I cannot carry the load but I will gladly share the load. And you?


Really, most of the time my work is a joy which is why I do what I do. But I did need to share with your my perspective on a few things. Thanks for listening. I love you (most days).


The pastor of a typical church, maybe yours.

Conflict avoidance creates greater conflict: four ironies regarding conflict

Here is an irony. In the name of peace we often avoid conflict - addressing issues that we know are real issues but that we don't want to have to work through. What results is usually even greater conflict because existing issues were not addressed and at some point in time those unresolved issues erupt and create a much greater mess than one would have had if they had addressed the issue earlier. 

In our effort to avoid conflict we actually create greater conflict down the road. In fact, the greater the blowup the longer the underlying conflict has usually been avoided. So those who choose avoidance as a strategy set the group up for a larger confrontation at a later date.

Here is another irony! We consider conflict to be a bad thing. In fact, it is usually a helpful thing because the fact that there is conflict is an indicator that there are issues that need to be resolved. Conflict is simply an indicator that there is an underlying issue that must be addressed. 

In itself, conflict is neither good or bad, simply an indicator, like a tachometer going into the red zone that you better shift into another gear or the engine is going to get too hot. Ignore your tachometer and you have engine trouble. Avoid conflict and you have relational trouble. 

A third irony. It is in the working through of conflict - usually competing agendas, philosophies or critical issues that the best solutions are found. Conflict avoidance solves nothing. Resolving the conflict by addressing the competing ideas or issues actually makes the organization a stronger one. The resolution may not satisfy everyone but getting everyone on the same page is far better than allowing competing agendas or ignoring issues.

We often avoid conflict out of fear that in naming the issue we will look like troublemakers. Ironically, our fear is usually unfounded. In most cases everyone is in the know that the conflict exists already. So in pretending that all is well when everyone knows it is not is pretty silly and solves nothing. How often do church boards or ministry teams ignore the elephants in the room that everyone knows exist.

In many cases, the other members of the group are glad that someone has simply named the elephant and at least opened the floor so that it can be discussed. Until someone names the issue that underlies the conflict nothing can be done. Once named it is an issue that can be discussed. 

As a leader I have had to work through conflictual issues with other leaders or staff on occasion. In every case, it has revealed either fault lines of misunderstanding, philosophy, direction or agendas. Without resolving those fault lines our ministry suffers from the divisions that fault lines bring. Resolution (which can take different forms) can bring unity and strength.

Whatever you do, don't ignore conflict which is an indication of fault lines you want to resolve.

Conflict, reconciliation, Jesus, the church and us

The church, in general, has a pretty bad reputation when it comes to one of the most fundamental calls of the Christian faith - reconciliation. As a church consultant I have seen the road kill and carnage of congregations that fight with one another, people who don't forgive one another, spirits of animosity that poison relationships, recrimination, power plays and church splits. 


Pastors are guilty, board members are guilty and paritioners are guilty. Sometimes, whole congregations are guilty. All of us at one time or another have been guilty. Think of the conflicts we experienced with friends early in life let alone as the years went on. 


Paul, himself, who I will quote below had severe conflict with his partner Barnabas, John Mark as well as with the Apostle Peter. None of us are exempt in a fallen world. Fortunately it seems there was reconciliation in later years. Time has a way of bringing perspective and healing.


While I understand the sinful nature we still deal with as Christ followers, I cannot help but believe that the heart of God is deeply grieved over the divisions within His family - especially the unwillingness of people to seek reconcile their differences (however that is able to be done) and at the least live at peace with one another and at the best understand each other. Our inability to do so is really a rejection of that which Christ did for us in His death on the cross. 


The story of God with a rebellious creation is that of reconciliation. The overarching story, of course is that through Jesus we can be reconciled to God - because of His substitutionary death on the cross for us. This reconciliation brings forgiveness of our sin and therefore peace, fellowship and friendship with God which is what our Creator meant for His created in the first place.


This reconciliation, however has further implications. In Jesus, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28). The many things that have divided us, race, ethnicity, social status, education, political party or gender have all been broken down by the cross where we meet God and one another as equals. In God's family, the distinctions that divided us are erased by the Holy Spirit who has made us part of a new family.


Jesus anticipated this breaking down of barriers when He prayed His high priestly prayer in John 17:23: "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."


Likewise, Paul, wrote frequently of the unity of the body because of our adoption into God's family and the work of the Holy Spirit. Consider these words in Ephesians 4:1ff. "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."


Here is my question: If God was willing to send His very son to make reconciliation with us possible why, after receiving that gift, are we not willing to go the smaller distance to seek to reconcile ourselves with others in the family of God?


Is it any wonder that society as a whole is cynical of the work of God when His own people cannot live at peace with one another and fight the same personal and political battles as are fought in Washington between differing political parties? We can be just as nasty, just as vociferous and just as unforgiving and stubborn as the most unregenerate unbeliever. Yet we claim the name of Jesus!


We cannot control what others do or don't do but we can control what we do or don't do. Are we willing to be peacemakers rather than divisive? Are willing to forgive rather than to live in bitterness? Are we willing to overlook the failures of others since love covers a multitude of sins?


I also believe that we need to do a better job of helping our congregations understand the central place that reconciliation is to  play in the life of a congregation. The church should look different than the rest of society! We are, after all His people with His Spirit which is a Spirit of unity. This is an issue that needs to be addressed regularly in a world that is so deeply divisive. 


Living on this side of eternity conflict is inevitable - even among God's people. It is how we handle that conflict that is the important issue. Reconciliation is all about how we choose to handle conflict and broken relationships when they occur. 


What reconciliation does and does not mean:


It does not mean that the conflict was wrong or bad. Without disagreements important issues do not get clarified and addressed. Conflict itself is not bad. In fact it can be exceedingly healthy because it reveals the need to clarify some issue. What it does mean is that we choose to resolve the conflict in a way that is God honoring. As much as it is possible!


It does not mean that we must agree with the other party but it does mean that we can choose to disagree and not hurt one another any longer. Some issues will not be sorted out until eternity when we see fully and where our emotions are no longer in the way.


It does mean that there must be a cease of hostilities, slander, gossip and bad attitudes toward one another. The reputation of Jesus trumps my personal need to be right or vindicated. Carnal behavior in conflict is sin and must be resisted.


It does mean that we try to understand the other party's point of view even if we believe it to be wrong and misguided. The ability to listen, empathize and understand (even if we don't agree) goes a long ways to damper hostilities.


It does not mean that we need to change our minds on an issue if after discussion we remain convinced that we are being true to our beliefs and the facts as we understand them. 


It does not mean that we need to be close friends, or even friends. It does mean that we will not be enemies any longer. We can choose to bless one another without trying to be friends or to force relationships that have been broken. Sometimes keeping a distance is smarter than closeness when conflict has been severe and where it is clear that there cannot be a common solution.


It does not mean that we will always be able to sort through the issues. It takes reasonable, humble and teachable people to sort through issues and that is not always possible. Sometimes we must simply choose to put the issue behind us for the higher value of Christian unity. It does mean that if we have sinned in our attitudes during the conflict we ask forgiveness for our part. 


It does not mean that we forget the offense. That may or may not be possible. It does mean that we choose to forgive the offense because we are commanded to by Jesus who forgave our offences.


It does not mean that we pretend that the issues did not matter. Often they do and pretending that they did not or that all is now well when this is not true is a disservice to the concept of reconciliation. The hardest kind of reconciliation is when we cannot fix the issue but we choose to live at peace in spite of the issue.


Who do you need to reconcile with?


See these other blogs:
Incarnation and reconciliation
Reconciling irreconcilable differences
Unfinished business

Leaders who need to be liked by those they lead

The greater our need to be liked by others the less personal freedom we have to be ourselves, follow God's leading and be self defining about what is important us us. It is a trap that keeps us from being us and from leading well! 


I have no desire to be disliked. In fact, I believe that leaders who lead well will be respected and liked by most, probably not by all. Leading well, treating people well and creating an environment for staff to flourish all contributes to respect for a leader. 


Many leaders, however, are not after respect but want to be loved and liked by those they lead. Wanting to be liked is a symptom of a lack of self worth - needing therefore to get our worth from the love of others. But for a leader, it is a trap because our desire to be liked can get in the way of our leadership.


Leaders who desire to be liked often are not able or willing to push into missional issues with their staff where results are needed but not forthcoming. It is a choice to keep a perceived friendship intact by not pressing on issues that might be considered contentious. In reality, the need to be liked is holding the leader hostage from addressing issues that need to be addressed. Ironically, they lose respect from their staff  when this happens.


Leaders who desire to be liked also become hostage to the expectations of others. Self definition - the ability to state one's position, even if it is not popular is a key leadership trait. But if my desire to be liked is strong, it will be difficult for me to self define in areas where that might not be liked. I am therefore hampered from making directional calls that might "compromise" my perceived friendship with those I lead. In doing so, I actually hurt the organization I lead.


Leaders who desire to be "one of the boys or girls" do so at the risk of their leadership because one cannot be best friends with all the staff and lead well. Once a leader becomes one of the boys or girls they are identifying with their team rather than with the organizational leadership role they carry.


Here is an interesting thought. Most staff do not have a need to be best friends with their leader. They want a collegial atmosphere where issues can be discussed and decided and they want to be respected. In turn they want to respect their leader but do not have an expectation of being best friends with their leader. It is the leader's insecurities that drive the need to be liked, not the staff.


Healthy leaders are highly collegial but they keep an appropriate social distance from the staff they lead so that they are able to see beyond the "friendships" and keep the missional agenda clear. It is in leading well that they earn the respect and appreciation of they staff even if they are not the staff's best friends.


See also:
Leaders and those they lead
Transitioning staff from family to team

Prayers of the People

For Brook, Heather, Paige, and Roger who all need our prayers.


I have the joy on occasion to attend an evangelical Anglican church. One of the things I deeply appreciate in their services is the emphasis on prayer. Prayers of the people, prayers of confession and prayers of praise. In many ways we have lost the emphasis on prayer in many of our evangelical churches.


My family knows the power of united prayer for without the prayers of many during my long illness of 2007-2008 and then again in early 2009, I would not be alive. Medical doctors cannot explain how I was healed. They know it was miraculous. 


The story can be read in When Life Comes Undone: Walking by Faith when Life is Hard and Hope is Scarce. The truth is that these situations come to us all at one time or another. The question when they come is do we have a group of friends who will pray passionately for our situation?


We take the power of prayer too lightly, at least in the west where we can rely on our own resources to fix things. But even with us, there comes a time when we have no other resource but Jesus. None. 


As I often say, "It is a wonderful thing to come to the place where we have nothing else to rely on but God. When all of our resources are  exhausted as eventually they are we have the one thing we have had all along: Jesus. And He is enough." I would not have said that before my own dark night of the soul but I have learned that not only is He enough but He is the single most important thing I need.


One of the greatest gifts we can give those around us is to become people of prayer for them. To lift those up in our circles who are hurting, who are sick, who are without hope, who are grieving or dealing with whatever real life has dealt them. It takes intentionality on our part but it is the very gift that we would ask for in our own dark night.


Prayer bring hope, it may well bring healing. It always brings the presence of a loving father. It brings us and those we pray for into the very throne room of the Lord of the universe. It brings a smile to God's face and a blessing on those we pray for. It is a hidden gift in that those we lift up may never know this side of eternity but they will know one day. 


We need one another and Jesus far more than we know. Let's lift up those who are need of God's intervention on a daily basis. Prayers of the people are beautiful on Sundays and necessary every day.

Relational Intelligence

I believe there is a direct connection between the health of a church or organization and the relational intelligence of its constituency. I would argue, for instance, that churches with high levels of conflict have poor relational skills while congregations with little to no ongoing conflict have a higher level of relational intelligence. 

Relational intelligence, a part of EQ or emotional intelligence, is the ability to relate to others in healthy ways, keep personal boundaries intact, negotiate conflict or differences with others without breaking relationship, be self defined personally about what one believes even when others would disagree and not get pulled into emotional triangles or enmeshment with others. If you think about it, the lack of these skills are large contributors to conflict and relational dysfunction.

Consider personal boundaries. Any number of individuals or groups would like to pull you into their orbit, take up their cause, believe their version of events and rope you into their issues. Healthy personal boundaries recognizes this when they see it and wisely hold their own counsel rather than get pulled into other issues. One of the major reasons that conflict escalates is the lack of healthy personal boundaries.

Or consider self definition - the ability to speak one's mind with clarity even when others may disagree. When there is poor relational intelligence, rather than being self defined, individuals communicate what they think others want to hear (for reasons of acceptance). The problem is that they often cater to their audience and end up giving false impressions as to what they really believe and say one thing to one group and another to another group which causes all kinds of confusion.

One of the most critical areas of relational intelligence goes to how we handle people who disagree with us. All too often when people disagree, they are cut off from friendships, marginalized if they are staff, and labeled as disloyal and troublemakers. Think of how destructive, painful, unloving and emotionally immature this is. It is a sign of someone who is not only emotionally immature but self absorbed because the core of this behavior is totally narcissistic. Because someone has not treated me well, or disagreed with me, or taken issue with me, I can no longer trust them, don't want to relate to them and thus I will marginalize them. Notice that it is all about me.

Whole churches get embroiled in conflict when this lack of relational intelligence prevails because those who don't agree with us become the enemy and relationships are severed. Staffs become dysfunctional when senior leaders display this behavior because they are dividing their staff into two camps, the loyal and disloyal and loyalty is usually defined as "they agree with me."

Interestingly, the New Testament has a great deal to say about relationships - healthy and unhealthy and it is the healthy that define good relational intelligence. Groups with high relational intelligence can differ on major issues but remain connected, loving and committed to one another. That is not true when there is poor relational intelligence which by definition divides, escalates conflict and destroys relationships.

I tend to give those with poor relational intelligence a very wide berth because I don't want to be caught up in their relational chaos. 

We need to talk more candidly with our congregations about what God honoring relationships look like and what behaviors are destructive and decidedly not God honoring. We also need to be far more proactive in training ministry staff on issues of relational intelligence. Either we allow a relational culture that defines itself (usually negatively) or we define a God honoring relational culture and help people understand what contributes to health and what contributes to dis- health. 

Good relational intelligence:

• Does not get pulled into others issues
• Is self defined and keeps one's own counsel
• Resists triangulation and enmeshment with others
• Stays in relationship when others disagree with them
• Is not threatened by disagreement
• Forgives easily and seeks forgiveness quickly
• Does not divide people into friend and enemy camps
• Gets one's relational clues from Scripture and Jesus
• Thinks of the other's perspective as much as their own
• Tries to put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand their point of view
• Places love and grace for others above their own concerns
• Lives out 1 Corinthians 13
• Treats everyone with dignity

Would it not be great if our congregations and organizations had that kind of relational intelligence? The higher the relational intelligence of our organization the healthier it will be but the opposite is also true.

Persuasion or pushing: Know the difference

Have you ever met someone whose persuasive gifts left you feeling deflated, disempowered, demeaned or coerced after a conversation where they were trying to convince you to agree with them or a course of action they wanted to take? Consider this: that feeling is not simply the feeling of being outgunned by a persuasive leader. Rather, they crossed a line from persuasion to pushing you into submission. That is why you left the conversation feeling demeaned or manipulated.

In my younger years, I could be guilty of this at times, having been a debater in High School who did quite well in that arena. It worked not so well in my marriage and with others however!

The art of persuasion is an important one for a leader, especially those who choose to lead out of influence rather than from positional power. Persuasion, however, should never be manipulative. It is the ability to move people's thinking their way by making a strong and reasoned case for what they suggesting. It never seeks to force the other party to see things their way.

Persuasion crosses a line from healthy to pushy when the force of the argument starts to feel manipulative and coercing to the other party. Now it is not persuasion by reasoned thinking but by force of personality. And when we feel violated by a leader in a conversation it is usually because they have crossed that line and we don't feel we have a way to maneuver within the conversation.. Healthy leaders never try to force others to agree.

What can one do when confronted with a force of personality that starts to feel manipulative or coercive? If you are on the receiving end consider these kinds of approaches.

"Jim, I am feeling like the only OK response is to agree with you. Do I have the option of disagreeing on this matter?"

"Susan, I am feeling like you are pushing very hard for me to agree with you. Is there a reason you feel so strongly on this?"

"John, it feels like you have put me in a corner where I must agree with you. I am not on the same page on this issue so can you give me some space to make an independent decision?"

"Bill I am feeling pressured by you on this and it does not feel good."

By asking the questions or making the statements, the goal is to help the other party understand how you are feeling about the conversation and bring down the level of pressure. You may also discover the reasons that the other party feels so strongly on the issue. Either way, it usually reopens the conversation on a different tenor which is a good thing.

True Acccountability

I have mixed feelings about accountability relationships. If someone wants to hide things they will and they will lie to your face if they have been hiding things from others. People do it all the time. The fact that one has an "accountability relationship" does not keep it from happening. It is a matter of the heart, not the "system" to keep us on the straight and narrow. People who are into image management will be untruthful in order to protect their image. All of us are capable of lying to others!


True accountability comes out of a commitment to be transparent with a group of trusted friends because we choose to and want to. In other words, the real accountability comes not from the outside and others but from the inside and us. It is not something imposed but something chosen for the sake of our spiritual lives. And, it comes out of deep trusting relationships with people who we know will call out the best in us. 


True accountability is not a program. It is a frame of reference that desires to be in community with like minded people for the sake of the pilgrimage we are all on. It desires to both influence others and be influenced by others who have the same Jesus commitment. It is not a checklist of questions but rather a life on life relationship where who we are rubs off on those we are committed to and who they are rubs off on us. It comes out of relationship and a heart that   wants to go the distance with others who are on the same path.


I want the relationships of true accountability as a lifestyle and not as a program or checklist. I want to travel with fellow pilgrims who will call out the best in me and with whom I can call out the best in return.

Giving credit away

Leaders take way too much credit for their success for in reality our success when we see it is less a factor of what we have done and more a factor of what our team has done. That is not a statement of false humility but one of true reality. 


We as leaders may set the pace and direction but it is staff and teams who through collaborative effort make things happen. Too often, however, we are content to take the credit for success rather than lifting up those who did the hardest work, our team. By far, good work in execution is harder than good work that leaders do in setting the direction.


Giving credit away is not always a public thing. The simple act of thanking a staff member for what they are doing with specific explanation of how their contribution has made a difference is a powerful conversation. Many would prefer that over public recognition. And it lets staff know that you have noticed what they do, are aware of their work and deeply appreciate it.


Doing something nice for your team, something that actually costs something once in a while also sends a powerful message. Even in an age of frugality, splurging once in a while on your staff says, "I appreciate you and your work." 


Leaders are often visited by other leaders. Make a point to introduce those who visit you with members of your team that are present in the office. You send a dual message by doing so: to your staff that they are important and to your visitors that you value your staff. 


Finally make it a point to greet your staff and ask about their personal lives and family. They are not simply valuable because they work for you but because they are God's son or daughter. Treat them like you would a family member by showing interest in them as persons, not simply as employees.


If team means anything it means sharing credit with those who together with you make things happen. Your loyalty and appreciation to them will make them loyal and appreciative of you and your leadership. Be generous in sharing credit.

Twenty cows

We live in an amazing world where the black and white world is juxtaposed with the globalized color world. Last evening was a great example. I call it the 20 cow dinner.


Eating with friends in an amazing restaurant overlooking Hong Kong and its amazing harbor and lights I am sitting across from a friend from Kenya who has been attending our leadership meetings of ReachGlobal this week. He travels the world training church leaders. 


I told him I heard that he was getting married and he said yes. I asked when the day was and he said "When I have twenty cows" -the price he hopes to negotiate for his bride who resides in another African country. "How many do you have now?," I asked and he said "three." "How much is a cow?" I asked and he said one hundred dollars. I pulled out a hundred dollars and said now you have four. 


Others did the same and after a couple of texts back to the states we came up with all the cows he needed. He and his bride to be are ecstatic. I was now in for five cows so I informed him that I have a stake in this marriage. I will get invited to the wedding!


He told us that since he was from another country than his bride and both have Skype he suggested to his father in law to be that they negotiate the bride price over Skype. Saves the money of an extra journey. The answer was a big NO. "This is Africa and it must be done face to face by an intermediary.  Technology does not always suffice it seems.


I told him I was glad my wife did not cost me 20 cows since I didn't have that many when I got married. My wife informed me that she is worth more than 20 cows but of course that is a matter of what economy we are negotiating. I didn't really want to pursue that conversation with her since I knew it was not going to end well :).


We laughed, ate, and celebrated with him. And it was the first time I ever bought cows for a bride price.


We live in a colorful world with colorful cultures and colorful people. I am thankful for how God brings us together for friendship and ministry. Heaven is going to be an interesting place when we are all celebrating together. I like 20 cow dinners.