Spiritual Narcissism

One could immediately say “that is an oxymoron,” and they would be right. However, as unhealthy and destructive as narcissism is, adding the spiritual component to it is even deadlier. My observation is that there are a disproportionate number of “spiritual narcissists” who find their way into Christian ministry. Perhaps it is easier to get away with this behavior in the church where we are reticent to name unhealthy behavior for what it is. Unfortunately they leave relational havoc in their wake wherever they are found. That is a consistent pattern.

Narcissism is really pride gone amuck without the counterbalance of humility. It can be very subtle or it can be “in your face.” Often times it is hidden behind a compelling personality that draws others to them but often in unhealthy ways such as emotional triangulation where I draw you into my orbit by creating a bond with you against another individual or group. The bond and friendship, often very close, lasts as long as you agree with them and once you start to disagree or think independently you find yourself on the outside.

What are the signs of narcissism? Consider these.

• The inability to admit that one was wrong.

• The deflecting of any criticism back to you or others. In this scenario, whenever you seek to confront behavior that is unacceptable it somehow becomes your fault and your issue, not theirs. Narcissists are unable to see and accept their own faults.

• Strong reactions when confronted with behavior that is unhealthy. These individuals will go to great lengths to prove to you and others that it is not about them but about you. They are fighters and it is not always fair. Any criticism of a narcissist is immediately resisted because life is all about them.

• The tendency to draw others in to emotional triangles as a means of keeping them on “their side.” Narcissists are experts at drawing others into their stuff at least for a time. These “friends” often pick up the offense and join the narcissist in their fight. Narcissists are intuitive experts in finding people who are willing to side with them and take up their cause – regardless of the facts in the case.

• Inability to give up a fight over something – they need to win. There are no simple conversations with a narcissist. They love long dialogue and debates because they have something to prove and a lot to lose.

• The tendency to draw lines and demonize those who don’t agree with them. With a narcissist, you are either their good friend or their worst enemy.

• The inability to reason with them – every issue becomes complicated and drawn out because they cannot just say, “I was wrong” and must somehow justify their actions and rightness no matter how absurd the line of reasoning is. When everything is complicated with an individual and you are unable to make headway through long dialogue there is a good sign that you have narcissistic tendencies on your hand.

• The need to defend one’s reputation at all costs by proving that others are wrong.

• The ability to maneuver situations to suit them, make themselves look good and engender compassion for their situation.

·  Wherever you have a narcissist, you have complicated relationships where alliances are formed and where people eventually get hurt and discarded when they no longer toe the line. One narcissist on a team can cause havoc with the whole team and often people don’t really understand the dynamics of what is happening. By definition, a narcissist will divide people into those who are with them and those who are against them which divides teams and causes ugly division.

The spiritual narcissist is one who not only has tendencies like these but who then brings Scripture and God into the equation. Not only are they right but God is on their side! Any disagreement becomes grounds for “reconciliation between brothers” which really means, “You need to agree with me.” For narcissistic leaders, it often means, “God is leading me (and therefore you) in this direction and you must follow.” Those who question or don’t wholeheartedly follow become marginalized. When you confront, “you are not loving.” When you have a disagreement, “brothers need to live in unity.” When you discipline for behavior that is not healthy, “you don’t have grace.” In other words, you never win, you are always the one who is at fault and not only have you violated them but Scripture or God as well. You cannot win for losing!

All of this can make one crazy and wonder if it is indeed them that are at fault – after all narcissists are experts at making you feel that way. Ironically, a narcissist finds great pleasure in causing you pain while those they inflict it on are actually sensitive to the very issues raised because their own humility is greater than that of the narcissist.  This is where being wise as serpents and innocent as doves comes into play. We need to understand the MO of a narcissist and insist that the behavior is unacceptable no matter how much they deflect issues back to us.

TJ Addington (Addington Consulting) has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

"Creating cultures of organizational excellence."

Who Really Irritates You?

Ok, so all of us have them in our lives – often in our extended families or in the work place. The challenge is that unless we can understand the source of our irritation it is easy to react back in ways that we really don’t want to. Irritation produces anxiety and often reactivity that is counterproductive to a good working relationship – as well as causing internal discomfort.

Often when we encounter someone who regularly irritates us we don’t stop and ask the question, “Why do they cause me to be reactive inside?” “What is it about the individual that triggers emotions in me?” We cannot change those who irritate us, but if we can understand the emotional trigger that gets to us, we can work on managing our own emotions so that the irritant does not get in the way of our working relationship. At the least, we don’t want to have to deal with negative inner emotions each time we interact with the individual.

The truth is that while there are indeed irritating people in this world, or those that have problematic emotional intelligence, in some cases our internal angst with another individual is more about us than it is about them. They unconsciously trigger something in us which is what we want to defuse. At this point it is about our emotional intelligence and our ability to manage our own emotions and reactions. Even if their own EQ is so problematic that they irritate many, we still want to be able to manage our own emotions so that they do not cause us internal conflict – regardless of their behavior.

Part of the answer is learning to try to understand those who irritate us: how they think, process and make decisions. Concrete thinkers, for instance, are very different from conceptual thinkers. Both can irritate the other but if we seek to understand their thought patterns we can better appreciate how they come at conclusions and handle situations.

Often, we just need to consciously ignore those things that irritate, make a decision that they are not going to cause us angst and keep our emotions in check when interacting. After a time, we can simply learn to manage our own reaction which in the best case leads to better relationships and interactions and in the worst case keeps us from being eaten up internally by another’s issues or behavior. In the worst situations, one is probably dealing with a major EQ deficit which is a major challenge. In that case we recognize it for what it is, deal with the individual appropriately but don’t allow their dysfunction to trigger angst in us.

The one key in all of this is not to make assumptions about the motivations of those who irritate. If we assume their motivations are evil, which they rarely are, we will be unable to turn a corner. If we assume that their motivations are reasonable we will be able to accept or at least understand their differences – or quirks – and move beyond our irritation. At least that is the goal!

The numbers tell the story

Here is a mission field that is world wide. The numbers tell the story. I am thankful that there are people who are ministering to those affected with the gospel, with love and with healing. 

Watch this video....

 http://vimeo.com/18792664

Rethinking leadership selection in the church

There is no more important decision a church makes than who will serve on their senior leadership board. It is even more important than the pastor they hire because even the best pastor often cannot lead if saddled with a poor board and a poor process for choosing church leaders. In fact, the most powerful group in the church is those who choose new leaders.

I have blogged frequently on church boards because as the board goes – so goes the church and it can either be beautiful or ugly. The fact that the vast majority of churches in the United States are plateaued or in decline would indicate that there is a crisis in church leadership. Intentionality in how you choose your leaders can be a game changer for your congregation. I have several suggestions.

First, your nominating committee should be made up of the best leadership voices of the church which should include your senior pastor (he has to work with the chosen leaders) and key current board members (they know what is needed on the board). If representatives from the congregation at large are part of your equation, be sure that they understand the nature of leadership. The fact that they love Jesus does not qualify them to choose good leaders.

Second, be sure that those you choose have leadership ability. There is a fiction that the only qualification for leaders is that they are Godly individuals. That could not be further from the truth. Yes, they must be Godly but they must also be able to lead – the purpose of overseers, elders and leaders in the New Testament. Elsewhere I have shared eleven qualities that must be present at some level for leaders to lead well in the church.

Third, make sure that you have a leadership covenant that spells out how your board works together and that potential leaders understand and are willing to sign that covenant before you place them on a ballot. Every board is one member away from moving from healthy to dysfunctional. It is foolish not to guard the health of the board with rules of engagement.

Fourth, ensure that those you are considering are in alignment with the philosophy and direction of the church. Again, this is about guarding the health of the board and the church. This requires some significant discussion. One best practice is to have potential new leaders sit on the board for a year as potential leaders (without a vote) which gives them and you the ability to decide if this is a good fit. Such a practice also sends a message that this is an important decision and responsibility.

Fifth, eliminate competitive ballots. Your best leaders won’t agree to be on a competitive ballot and it sends a message that you don’t know what you are looking for but hope the congregation will make the right choice. Choose the right leaders and ask the congregation to vote yes or no but don’t make it competitive.

This is about guarding the gate of leadership. More importantly it is about crafting a leadership group that will keep the spiritual, missional and leadership ethos of the church at a high level and maximize the ministry opportunity of the congregation.

Ministry accelerators and anchors

Ministry accelerators are practices, commitments and culture that allow some ministries (churches, missions and otherwise) to flourish, expand and see results that are far above the norm. Alternatively these very accelerators when not present become the anchors that hold us back, create a drag on forward movement and often keep us from achieving the momentum we long for. As you look at these accelerators, think about the ministry you are a part of and ask if you have an accelerator or an anchor.

Spiritual Dependence

One of the most promising and scary verses in the New Testament is found in John 15:5. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” One ministry I work with has a guiding principle of “Intimacy before Impact.” They know that without staying close to the father, without bathing their plans and purposes in prayer, without listening to what He might be saying in return that they will never accomplish much of eternal value.

Many ministries give lip service to dependence on God but there is not much in their rhythm or strategy to back that up. After all, we can do a lot with our money, people, strategies and programs. But, if we want to have the blessing of God, if we want to know where the best strategies lie, if we want to make an eternal difference the accelerator of spiritual dependence is what we desperately need. Without Him we can do nothing of eternal value. With Him we can do amazing things!

Clear Direction

There is a connection between spiritual dependence and clear direction because through His word and through the promptings of His Holy Spirit, we are given discernment as to where God is leading our ministries. Getting to clarity of direction (rather than a typical shot gun approach to ministry) takes concerted prayer, thinking and dialogue with other key leaders. Moses was clear about his direction, as was David and Nehemiah and Daniel, Paul and Barnabas. Why? They stayed close to God, were sensitive to His leading and were therefore able to articulate to others the direction they needed to go.

Here is something to think about. Every ministry is unique. Your direction is determined by the skills, personnel, mission and unique niche that God desires you to fill. Never simply copy the direction of another ministry. That is theirs, not yours. You may learn from them but you need to ask what God is calling you to and be able to articulate it with absolute clarity.

High alignment

In the days of the judges a common observation was that “everyone did what was right in their own eyes.” Nothing dissipates energy and missional effectiveness in ministry like staff all doing their own thing in their own way toward their own good purposes.  Ministries that see significant results are those where the board, senior leader, staff and ministry teams are all on the same page and moving in the same direction. It only takes one key staff or board member to sabotage that synergy and cause an anchor that holds you back.

There are many gifted individuals who do not believe that they need to be in alignment with their leaders. They are very happy to require alignment from the team they lead but they are not committed to the same level of alignment upward. In other words, they suffer from not following well. They love to lead but resist following. No matter how gifted, these individuals will become anchors to ministry progress because they subtly and regularly undermine the power of alignment.

Healthy Boards, Personnel and teams

This goes to the issue of health. Unhealthy board members, staff and teams cannot produce healthy ministry results. Indeed, lack of health in any of these areas can be one of the heaviest anchors to pull along. Healthy individuals on the other hand get amazing things done because they are team focused, mission driven, other centered and are not building their kingdom or needing to deal with a lot of their stuff.

In the Christian world, in the name of grace, we often do not deal with unhealthy personnel. First by being honest with them and trying to help them. But if that fails by moving them out of our organization, knowing that their dishealth is hurting those around them and compromising the call of the organization. Healthy people are huge accelerators to ministry while unhealthy members are huge anchors – and it only takes one big anchor to cause a whole lot of frustration and drag.

Mission focused

All of the above are necessary for us to be mission focused – committed to reaching the mission of the organization in real, tangible ways with all hands on deck keeping the ship moving in the right direction. We have a clear mission, we are all aligned around that mission and everything we do is designed to help us achieve that mission.

Results Driven

Jesus says in John 15:5 that “If a man remains in me and I in him he will bear much fruit.” The book of Acts, was a book of spiritual fruit. The fact that the church is Christ’s bride and that not even the gates of hell will prevail against it clarifies that Jesus intends for His people to see real, tangible fruit from their ministries. We cannot control the fruit of our work but we can do those things that are likely to result in fruit as God blesses. And we ought to expect it, pray for it, work toward it and measure it.

A culture of empowerment and releasing

A key ministry accelerator is that of empowering good people in ministry and releasing them to do that ministry in line with their gifts and abilities. The more we try to control the less momentum we have. The more we truly release, the greater the momentum. As an example, in ReachGlobal, we could try to control how our churches work with our national partners. Instead we see them not as our partners but God’s partners and we willingly give away relationships between these partners and churches so that they can accomplish far more than we as a mission could. We increase our influence by giving away ministry opportunity whenever possible.

This is true in the local church as well. One of the things to consider is whether we are program centric (which depends on the church to control the program) or ministry centric (which releases the whole body to do ministry in their circles of influence). The first is often the focus because programs are tangible. The second is far more powerful because it is viral and releases the whole body to ripple on folks who will never be touched by a program.

Cooperation rather than competition

If you want to accelerate your spiritual influence, don’t go it alone! One local church may reach its community but ten local churches working toward the spread of the gospel can reach a whole county. The question here is whether we are committed to spreading our brand or His brand. I know that most churches will not choose to cooperate with churches that are not of their brand (if then) but when they do it is one of the most powerful ministry accelerators of all.

In ReachGlobal, an international mission, we decided to move from replicating our brand (EFC churches) to His Brand, (Evangelical churches whatever the name). This opened up partnerships with an amazing number of partners and movements and vastly increased the spiritual influence of ReachGlobal. It was all about cooperating with other like minded believers rather than living in our silo and competing with them.

Each of these accelerators will increase your spiritual influence. Each of them not lived out, will create an anchor and drag. Some of us need to pull up some anchors so that the wind God wants to give our sails can fill them and propel us into a fruitful season of ministry.

Cultures of Life and Death

The culture of Christ is a culture of life in all of its dimensions. It sees people as made in the image of God with eternal souls. As men and women and children in His image it sees them as infinitely precious and rejects all actions, attitudes or institutions that demean or diminish that image. 

As image bearers - no matter how flawed the image by the fall, every individual on this planet has infinite value to the Creator, and therefore to us as His family members. 


But just as the culture of Christ is a culture of life in all of its dimensions, the culture of the evil one is that of death and destruction in all of its dimensions. Jesus put it this way in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Christ brings life. Satan brings death.


It should not surprise us, therefore, that the predominate culture of our world is one of the devaluing of human life. Think of all the things that devalue life: pornography, sexual promiscuity, lack of justice, corruption, the sex trade, abortion, the indiscriminate killing of civilians in warfare, spousal and child abuse, slavery, discrimination, and all behaviors that devalue people. Wherever people are marginalized, mistreated, denied basic rights, oppressed, used and denied justice, the culture of the evil one prevails - and that is most of our world.


The Gospel is good news for the soul - and the only route to eternal life - but its implications are far broader than that. Jesus invaded our world to right what had gone wrong in the fall and which will be completed in his return. We are told to pray (and therefore act) that "His will would be done on earth as it is in heaven." The gospel brings eternal life but it also must bring a culture of life to a world that has a culture of death and devaluation of people made in His image.


As Christ followers we are called to live and to promote a culture of life where the dignity of individuals is lifted high, where those things that devalue life are seen for what they are and to the extent that we can have an influence, eradicated. 


Think about this: Prison ministry brings a culture of life to a dark place; abstinence education globally brings a culture of life rather than a culture of using people for our own gratification; those who stand up for justice bring a culture of life; those who help women with unwanted pregnancy stand up for a culture of life; those who minister to orphans and widows the same. Every time we act to help those who are marginalized, mistreated, oppressed or uphold the dignity of people made in God's image we support a culture of life.

The thief comes to steal and destroy in every way He can. Jesus comes to heal, save and restore in all dimensions of life. When we join Him in that work we support Him and push back the culture of death with His culture of life.

The Power of Incarnational Engagement

In the incarnation, Jesus stepped into our lives, took on our body, lived with our limitations, experienced our emotions and personally engaged with people wherever they were in their lives or spiritual journeys. It was deeply personal. It was sacrificial, costing him everything, and it was intentional.

There is no power greater than our personal involvement in the lives of others, meeting them where they are, being willing to get involved in their lives – whether as a friend, an encourager, a mentor, meeting a need or just being there when life gets hard. Like, Jesus, this is incarnational – it is stepping into their lives - and it is intentional engagement – being willing to get involved. It goes contrary in many ways to the selfish nature of our world which finds getting involved in the messiness of life of other people uncomfortable and inconvenient.

This is the Jesus life which revolved around people. While Jesus clearly had boundaries he was essentially other centric not self centric. He was driven by a huge heart of love both for his friends (disciples and followers) and the most unlovely and desperate. He saw his life and ministry in light of eternity not time. He went where others would not go and to people others would not minister to. He knew that it is the hurting that are most open so he went to the needy whether the rich tax collector or the beggar and prostitute.

He made time for people! He did not simply delegate people engagement to others but He took the time. That is a challenge for us who live busy lives or are even in professional ministry. We teach and preach incarnational lives but the real question is whether we have time for incarnational engagement ourselves. It is personal involvement in the lives of others that keeps our hearts tender and helps transform our hearts into the heart of Jesus. The closer we are to the hurts, pain and needs of others, the more our hearts reflect Jesus’ heart. One cannot live incarnationally without being changed. It is not what we give that changes us. It is what we receive when we enter into the lives of others.

Those who live this way do so because they, like Jesus, see people in light of eternity. They take seriously the words of Jesus that as the Father sent Him so He has sent us. And their lives reflect the unselfish and other centric life of Christ. The incarnate Christ touched them and they in turn want to touch others. It is a humble, Christ centered life of love and service no matter what our station in life.

Leaders and their convictions

Successful leaders become so through a set of beliefs, convictions and practices that developed over time become the core of their leadership philosophy. These deeply held beliefs form our leadership culture and provide stability for those we lead as they learn that they can rely on us to act consistently and predictions in alignment with on those convictions and practices.

Those in the organization I lead will recognize certain phrases which reflect my leadership philosophy. “Do not underestimate my resolve” indicates that we will chase after those things we are passionate about. There is no flavor of the month but a true north that guides all that we do. Our convictions are not optional. “Nothing to prove and nothing to lose” allows us to live with humility and not need to be right. “We engage in robust dialogue” gives us permission to speak with candor and honesty as long as there are no hidden agendas or personal attacks. “Autopsy without blame,” gives us permission to try new things and even fail and then talk about it without assigning blame.

Just as leaders do not like surprises, nor do those they lead. Unpredictable leaders create uncertainty in those they lead while predictable leaders provide stability based on certain foundational and widely known values which when lived out by leaders become a corporate culture. When leaders hear those same values articulated by other leaders in the organization, they know they are successfully creating a common culture.

This means that leaders must be articulate and communicate their values constantly. The test of how well we are doing this is whether those in our organizations can explain our leadership practices and beliefs. If staff cannot describe the belief system of their leaders they have not done a good job of articulating their convictions. Communicating those beliefs and principles often and in a way that can be remembered is critical. Consistent practice of those beliefs and practices is even more important. It also means that we must be careful about what beliefs and values we communicate because they do become the culture of the organization – so ensuring we have the right values is essential.

How would you articulate the beliefs and convictions that guide you as a leader? Could those you lead articulate those beliefs and convictions?

When money hurts mission efforts

It sounds so good! For a small amount of money you can support a pastor in the majority world where costs are low. Soon your church is supporting a dozen or so pastors and you receive wonderful reports of how God is working through them.

But, what we often do not consider are the unintended consequences. What is a pragmatic ministry decision for us is often a disaster for the church. Consider the fact that God designed the church to be the most flexible, missional and effective organization on the face of the earth and to survive and thrive in any economy or political system. The key to its success is its reproducibility and it is the reproducibility that is hurt when we pay pastors from the west.

It sounds so good – and it makes us feel good. After all we have funds and those we are helping do not. Of course it is the American way of getting results – money. Experience shows, however, that once we start paying pastors in a region of the world, new churches don’t start until someone picks up the bill for the next pastor, and the next, and the next. Our good intentions have compromised the reproducible nature of the church. Our money has become a barrier.

Furthermore, our money has robbed the congregation of the joy and responsibility of supporting their own ministry. Why give when there is money coming from somewhere else? Because we rely on money for all we do, we assume that others do as well. Sometimes it is not money that is given but chickens, eggs or other foodstuffs. Everyone can give something but when we take away the responsibility to give to their own ministry we hurt the church and those who make up the church.

I have never seen a situation where paying pastors ended up helping the church rather than hurting the church – in the long run. It is a short term pragmatic solution that actually slows down the reproduction of the church. That is why we are committed in ReachGlobal to churches that have five qualities: Healthy, reproducing, interdependent, indigenous and self-supporting. Paying pastors compromises church health, reproducibility, and even the indigenous nature of the church since the church is now indebted to those who support it. They now suffer from the disease of dependence and paternalism. Dependence and paternalism are unhealthy but we foster that in many parts of the world, taking away the dignity of local congregations to provide for the needs of the ministry and determine their destiny. We are often blind to the resources that God has actually given His people because we are so driven by budgets and finances in our own ministries.

There are many ways that we can use our financial resources to expand the church and I am a huge advocate of generous giving. How we use those monies, however is critically important. Some uses hurt the church while other uses expand the church. Paying pastors in the majority world is a pragmatic solution on our part that hurts the long term viability and reproducibility of the church. And, it creates unhealthy dependencies!