Creating a Culture of Grace and Eliminating the Scourge of Gossip, Slander, and Judgementalism in your Congregation.

 

The damage that gossip, slander, and judgementalism do to our congregations and those within them (perpetrators and victims) is incalculable. I outline some of these impacts in Gossip and Slander, the Scourage of many Churches. 

What many church leaders do not understand is that they can actually create a culture where these spiritually damaging behaviors are not practiced in their congregations. This is a roadmap for moving toward a healthier church culture.

First, a note about culture. Culture is what you create or allow. In other words, whatever you allow in your congregation will become part of your culture. The alternative is to intentionally create a God-honoring culture and disallow behaviors that are antithetical to God's character, the fruit of the Spirit, and His teaching. 

In many places, the New Testament makes distinctions between behaviors we are to eliminate from our lives and those we are to practice. For instance, in Ephesians 4 and 5, we are told to eliminate falsehood, stealing, unwholesome talk, bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, malice, unforgiveness, sexual immorality, impurity, greed, foolish talk, coarse joking, and other behaviors that emanate from our lower nature. 

Rather than these, we are to put on truthfulness, forgiveness, love, kindness, and compassion, become imitators of God who live in love, wise living, speaking those things that build others up, unity, humility, gentleness, and peace. 

Paul wants us to declare certain behaviors illegal in the church because they don't reflect Christ and to focus on those that do. This is how you create culture. You call people to a higher standard and are clear on those things he wants us to eliminate and those he wants us to practice.

Disciplemaking churches are clear about behaviors that they will not tolerate. They are equally clear on a culture of grace and obedience. This takes ongoing attention, teaching, and explanation. For instance, when it comes to gossip, people need to understand:

• It does not please God
• It is a form of character assassination
• When we have an issue with someone else, we go to them directly and not to others
• Our words can heal, or they can hurt
• We don't do gossip and slander in our congregation
• We do use a Matthew 18 approach when we have differences
• We live in a culture of grace and extend that grace to others
• We allow the Holy Spirit to convict people of their sins (and ours)
• We will talk to those who traffic in gossip and slander within our congregation

The amazing thing is that you can dramatically eliminate divisive gossip and slander if you are intentional, remind people often, and are clear about how we live with one another. What happens is that you create an expectation of Jesus honoring behavior, and the public nature of your "culture creation" makes it difficult for those who traffic in gossip and slander to do so, as it violates everyone's understanding of who we are and how we love one another.

Think of what it would be like if you attended a church where:

• We accept one another and one another's shortcomings as Jesus does ours
• We are as patient with one another as Jesus is with us
• We speak words that build rather than words that tear down
• We love others as Jesus loves us
• We forgive others as Jesus forgives us
• We major on the Fruit of the Spirit rather than the fruit of our lower nature
• We do all that we can to live in peace and unity with one another

Those churches do exist, although not in the number they should. The reason is that we do not create culture but simply allow culture to happen. Don't do that. Remember that culture is what you create or allow, and the Scriptures give us great guidance on what we should not allow and what we should create. 

Gossip and Slander: the Scourge of many Churches

 

Congregations pride themselves in "being like Jesus." Yet, in many congregations, there is a willingness to overlook one of the most divisive and disruptive behaviors of all. It is not heresy. It is gossip and slander.

Gossip and slander are not having a difference of opinion. Everyone is entitled in the church to differences of opinion. Gossip and slander assassinate the character of another individual. You can kill a person physically - something we would never do in the church. But we seem skilled at killing another's character at will and without any consequence. 

Gossip is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as: "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true."

Slander is defined as "the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation." Or to "make false and damaging statements about (someone)."

The reason that gossip and slander are so often linked together is that when we engage in gossip, especially when we share details that we cannot confirm as being true, we are often engaging in slander as well. Trafficking in second-hand information where we have no redeeming purpose for sharing such information is an anti-value in the church.

Gossip is often the result of an issue with another without the courage to go and have a conversation with that individual. So rather than seeking to resolve our issue with a specific person, we instead talk to others about them. In doing so, we drag innocent bystanders into our issues, and they often take up our cause with no first-hand knowledge of our issues. Now, we have recruited additional character assassinators for our cause. And, we have left the individual who is our target without any means to explain, defend, or bring reconciliation as they are not even part of the process. 

In one church I am familiar with at present, there is a concerted effort by one couple who is at odds with the pastor (and the board) to bring disrepute to the pastor. They have recruited many close friends to their cause, and the charges against the pastor can be traced back to this one couple. In another church, there have been armchair critics for years in the shadows, sowing mistrust and discord against whoever was in leadership at the moment. 

These situations are an internal cancer in any church. The New Testament is explicit that gossip, slander, and anything that does not build up the body is anti-Christ behavior. In addition, Paul warns against those who cause division in the church. Certainly, gossip and slander cause division, mistrust, ill feelings, and deep hurt to those who are the targets. To make matters worse, many who traffic in gossip do so under the guise of "we need to pray for _____ about." In other words, they hide their gossip by declaring their spiritual intent, which is total nonsense and probably not well received by Jesus Himself. 

The church is ill-served by professional Pharisees who love to snipe at others about lifestyle choices, dress, and any number of personal choices. How in the world can we expect new folks to feel comfortable in our midst when the critical Pharisiacle spirits are allowed to run rampant among us. Gossip is one of the most prevalent reasons that people do not feel safe in the local church. This is also why spiritual formation is such a challenge. How can you do true spiritual formation in a culture where gossip and backstabbing are OK?

Culture is what we create or allow. If we allow gossip in our body, we are allowing behavior that the New Testament strongly condemns. The alternative is to create a culture where gossip is not OK and where the expectation is that we deal with differences in a Matthew 18 manner. And that we learn what it means to live in the same grace with one another as Jesus grants to each of us on a daily basis. Think of the difference in our relationships if that were true. 

For some suggestions on how to create a culture of grace and eliminate gossip and slander from your congregation, see Creating a Culture of Grace and Eliminating the Scourge of Gossip, Slander, and Judgementalism in your Congregation. 

It is all about focus

 

Eight signs that your church is on the downward slope of its life cycle

 

Every organization has a life cycle that includes initial growth and accomplishing its original vision. Once that vision is completed, the organization starts to plateau, and unless it can reenvision for the next ministry run, it goes into a long, slow decline. This plateau and decline are often not recognized because, like the frog in the kettle, it can be subtle, and the collective memory of the organization is its former glory days that members mistakenly think still define them. 

There are key signs that a church is on the downward slope of its life cycle. Here are eleven such indicators.

There is no clear definition of who the church is or where it is going. Lack of clarity is a sign that an organization is in significant jeopardy. A church that cannot clarify who it is and where it is going will simply wander without a missional agenda or clear purpose. By clarity, I am not referring to something defined in the bylaws that no one can remember but a compelling mission, clear guiding principles, a defined culture, and an understanding of what we are about every day. If staff cannot clearly articulate this and if the congregation does not understand it, there is not adequate clarity. 

The church lacks internal alignment. This is a natural result of a lack of clarity. Without clarity, different staff and ministries of the church simply do their own thing without any internal cohesion and often at cross purposes with other ministries. This allows individuals and staff to pursue their agenda rather than a common and aligned agenda of the church. Any time a ministry cannot answer the question: "How does this ministry contribute to the mission and goals of the church as a whole," it lacks alignment.

No one asks hard questions, or if they do, they are marginalized. In healthy, vibrant organizations, challenging questions are welcomed because they help the organization stay on its mission. When one can no longer ask those hard questions without being marginalized, it is a sign that the organization is now in a preservation mode rather than a growth mode. 

There is a steady leak of people out the back door. People often leave a church when they sense there is no longer a compelling mission and vision. They usually go quietly, but when people who have previously been engaged leave and it becomes a trend, take notice.

The church guards its money. Healthy churches tend to be generous, while those who have moved from missional to institutional tend to protect their resources, and a scarcity mentality sets in.

Meetings and bureaucracy replace action and outward-focused ministry. In their growth phases, congregations are outward-focused, while in their plateaued or declining phases, they tend to be inward and self-focused. As this happens, congregations make it hard to start new outward-looking ministries. 

The congregation and its leaders are comfortable. Comfort means that change is resisted, the familiar is embraced, innovation is difficult and rare, and the focus becomes far more internal than external. This is an essential indicator because missional churches value ministry results over personal comfort, while the opposite is true when a church has plateaued or is on a downward slope.

There is a collective memory of the congregation's "best days." For people who have been around for a time, there is a memory of the period when the church was at its best and perhaps its most significant. What is interesting is that these same people often believe that this is who they still are. They need to recognize that the times have changed, ministry opportunities have changed, the neighborhood has often changed, and they need to change. In reality, they live in the past rather than the present or the future.

While organizational life cycles are predictable, one does not need to settle for a plateau or a downward slope. To change the game, however, leaders must reenvision the congregation for the next ministry season and live opposite of the eight indicators listed above. Churches that remain vital and healthy:

• Have a clear vision and mission
• Insist on the internal alignment of all ministries around that vision and mission.
• Invite hard questions to challenge the way things are done and help the organization get better.
• Close their back door and find out why people leave
• Are generous with meeting needs outside the church
• Are outward ministry-focused rather than internally focused
• Intentionally live in the uncomfortable ministry zone rather than the comfort zone
• Rather than live in the past, they honor the past but plan for the future

Most of all, the focus is always on the Gospel, a culture of love and grace, and a deep concern for the hurting and those who don't know Jesus. 

Evil has a face...Again!

 

The last time I wrote a post like this was when Putin invaded Ukraine. I said he was the new Stalin and labeled his actions evil. The indiscriminate slaughter of civilians, the acquisition of land, and the attempt to wipe a nation off the map...and if that does not work, to kill as many people as possible, kidnap children, and execute innocent men, women, and children just because they are Ukrainians is off the charts evil. War crimes abound. In that war, there is a clear side of innocence and evil.

Yesterday, it happened again, this time in Israel. The slaughter of children, women, and other civilians, the kidnapping of civilians to be taken back to Gaza as bargaining chips, the killing of 260 people at a music festival, and the cheering for those who perpetuated these ungodly acts in Gaza, Tehran, Lebanon, and other assorted places is a sad commentary on the state of our world. We are reticent to label things as evil today. But this is, and it must be said. Oh, and don't forget 3,000 plus missiles fired into civilian towns. 

Here is what I know from Scripture. God's heart is deeply saddened when evil abounds. And that includes the taking of innocent life. It happened in Syria in the recent conflict, in Bosnia Herzegovina, Rwanda, and in places like the eastern part of Congo. 

Here is the thing. God created us in His Image. Think about that. The destruction of those made in His image in an indiscriminate way is from the pit of Hell. In fact, John 10:10 says that the Evil One comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Satan hates God with an intractable hatred, but he cannot get at God. He thought he had at the crucifixion but didn't count on the resurrection! The resurrection sealed his fate for eternity.

Because he cannot harm God, Satan does the next best thing. He kills God in effigy by inciting people to kill other human beings in cold blood. And just as Abel's blood cried out to God when Cain killed him, today, the blood of those killed in Israel does the same. Behind such despicable actions is the Evil One. Please join me in praying for the security of Israel, whom Hamas has vowed to destroy. This is no different than the holocaust in terms of its evil - just different in scope.

Please hear me. I am not condemning all Palestinians, just as I don't condemn all Russians. I am blaming the perpetrators of this despicable violence. There are many peace-loving Palestinians, and Russians. I have met many. We cannot condemn a whole people for the actions of a few. But we must condemn those who target the innocent, the vulnerable, and civilians. Hamas has vowed to wipe Israel off the map and teach that every Arab must kill the Israelites they come across. That is what they tried to do this week. 

As to the Palestinian refugees, there needs to be a solution. And by the way, the Arab states who will now condemn Israel are mostly unwilling to do much for the Palestinians except to allow them to live in camps. And when the governments of Gaza and the West Bank teach violence to solve their issues, this is the logical outcome. 

Evil has a face...again! Join me in prayer for those who have been affected, for the security of Israel, for a peaceful solution to the Palestinian crisis, and for accountability for those who perpetuated this evil. The one thing we can all do is to pray. And God's heart is deeply grieved. He will have the last word. Now or on that final day.

(Photo from the New York Times)

Can one live at peace in a fractious, conflictual and chaotic world?

 

In the Gospels, Jesus makes a profound statement. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27. 

As I survey the evangelical landscape today, I see much fear and little true peace. Just listen to the conversations taking place around you - among God's people. Fear of what will happen to the economy. Fear of the immigrants coming across our border. Fear of the party you didn't vote for. Fear of dark conspiracies in our world and people that are going to destroy our world. Fear that the wrong person will be elected in the upcoming election. Fear of the world our children and grandchildren will grow up in.

There is a whole lot of fear and very little peace among God's people, and that leaves me wondering why? Was Jesus naive about our world? Could He have truly been offering peace in today's world? The thing is that Jesus makes a radical distinction between His peace and the peace the world has to offer. He says, "My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives."

The world's definition of peace is the absence of threats to our happiness, which is a rare thing and lasts for a short time.  The peace of Jesus has nothing to do with threats to our happiness or security. It is different and supernatural precisely because He offers it no matter what our circumstances and no matter the external threats. And, He says that it is a peace that allows one to live without fear and keep our hearts from being troubled.

How can that be? We have forgotten today, as God's people often do, that God's peace exists in the person of Jesus Christ. When we focus on Him: His power, His provision, and faith in His ability to provide for our needs and give us His joy no matter our circumstances and place ourselves in His hands, we will have peace. Not only do we not need to live in fear, but He specifically commands us: "Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid."

Fear or peace is a matter of focus. If we focus on all the threats around us, real and imagined, we will live in fear. If we focus instead on the One who authors history, we can live in peace. He is, after all, the creator of our world and ultimately in control of the events around us. We are not, but He is. 

I have determined this year to spend far more time reading His Word than listening to the news, which is often ugly, discouraging, and a creator of fear. Try spending just an hour reading the Psalms, for instance, and see what it does for your soul. 

If fear is a real part of our lives, it is an indicator that our focus is in the wrong place. I want to cultivate habits and practices that create peace and joy based on the One who can give these precious commodities. The moment I start to live in fear, I take that as a reminder that my focus has shifted away from Jesus.

What habits and practices are you cultivating to make His peace a part of your life? And ask yourself if you are driven more by fear or by peace? 

The church stage, staff culture and leadership boardroom: Two of the three are indicators of culture in a church

The church stage on Sunday mornings often does not reflect the true nature of a church's culture. One wishes it always was because the stage is a put-together, friendly presentation of the church's persona. The only issue is that it is often not a true persona of who the church is. When it is, it is a beautiful thing. Sometimes it is not. The stage says this is who we are - please believe us.

The stage is a church at its best in many ways. But, the authentic culture of a church is not found on stage - that can be manufactured just like all the happy families who come in the doors after fighting with one another on the way to church. The true nature of a church's culture is found in the everyday relationships of staff: how they treat one another, speak about one another, support and cooperate with one another, resolve or don't resolve conflict, and the level of politics, silos, and turf wars (per Lencioni) that exist. 

How staff are treated by leaders and how they treat one another tells the story of church culture better than anything else. Healthy cultures have healthy relationships and are full of individuals with healthy EQ. The fruit of the Spirit is evident and easily found. Gossip and backbiting are rare. Conflict is resolved in healthy ways, and there is freedom on staff to speak one's mind, and candid dialogue is encouraged. This is a true sign of a healthy church culture. I don't assume anything from the stage presentation when working with a church. Instead, I press into staff relationships. And I don't rely on the word of the senior leader but instead, ask questions of the staff themselves. 

Staff retention speaks volumes, while a pattern of staff leaving - whether resigning or being let go - says something else. I once asked a church board who had retained me to determine why the senior pastor had just fired two beloved staff members if they had interviewed any of the many staff who had left in the past five years, and they all looked down sheepishly. So, I interviewed them myself and heard a familiar story. On the other hand, where staff stay long and remain engaged in their job with one another and others, you know that there is usually good DNA at work.

I often conduct staff audit interviews with all staff with open-ended questions. Very quickly, common themes emerge that speak to staff culture's health or dishealth. This is valuable information for churches desiring to improve the staff's health.

A third indicator of a healthy or unhealthy culture is the leadership board of a church. I often speak to individuals recruited to serve on a church board who entered that job with optimism and energy, only to be disillusioned by what they found. They often encounter boards that don't speak candidly, allowing elephants to exist in the boardroom that everyone knows are there. Still, it is not OK to talk about them, gloss over issues that ought to be examined and discussed, and a significant lack of clarity about who the church is and where it is headed. The closer you get to the core of leadership, the closer you are to a church's authentic culture. 

There are notable exceptions of healthy boards that operate in healthy ways. This is the exception rather than the rule, however. Boards are not trained in healthy governance, are reticent to address known issues, and are often either passive or ultra-involved depending on the season, with little in between. One thing is usually true: board health often reflects staff health. Where there is dysfunction on staff, there is usually dysfunction on the board, which is why the staff dysfunction is allowed to exist and flourish.

I long for church staff and boards to have the same joy, spiritual presence, and professionalism found on stage each Sunday morning. If that is true in your church, I congratulate you. Often, though, the authentic culture of a congregation is not found on stage. 

The Culture Series: Which of these descriptors describes your organization?

 

Does culture matter in an organization? Contrast the elements of good culture against dysfunctional culture below and ask yourself, which kind of culture do I want to be a part of? Then ask yourself how many elements of healthy culture are true of your organization.

Healthy Culture                                                   Dysfunctional Culture

I am appreciated                                           I feel used

I feel listened to                                            My views are dismissed or marginalized

I have a voice                                                I have no voice

I am empowered                                           I am micromanaged

I can engage in candid dialogue                   Candid dialogue has strict limits

Relationships are collegial                           Relationships are often unhealthy  

My boss knows how to apologize                My boss is always right

Company information is transparent           Company information is tightly controlled

My supervisor dialogues with me               My supervisor tells me

My supervisor shows he/she cares              My supervisor has little knowledge of me

I have input into important decisions          I have no voice in important decisions

My supervisor is patient and gracious        My supervisor is unkind and harsh

The company compensates fairly               The company is stingy in compensation

There is virtually no gossip                        The organization is full of gossip

Healthy teams are the norm                       There are a lot of dysfunctions on teams

There is clarity around our mission           There is ambiguity around our mission

We practice our defined values                 Our defined values are often violated

We have alignment on important things  There is little alignment

Conflict is rare and resolved                      Conflict is the norm and unresolved

Ethics and honesty are high                       Ethics and honesty are slippery

The Bully Series: When the Bully is a church board member

 

Sometimes, the church bully or church boss is a church board member. I have dealt with these situations, and how do you confront someone who has authority in the church but is misusing that authority? In this series, we have cataloged the damage that a church bully can perpetuate so we know that it matters. Generally, a church bully is able, through intimidation and bad behavior, to exercise veto power over important decisions in the church and to ensure that they get their way regardless of the will of the majority. This abrogates the choice of other leaders and often of the congregation itself. 

Church boards often function in dysfunctional ways, which works to the advantage of a church bully. So, the critical factor in dealing with dysfunction on the board is ensuring that it operates as healthy as possible. This starts with a board covenant. Never allow a church board to exist without a board covenant that defines how it will work together. See a sample board covenant in my Blog; operate without a board covenant at your own risk! 

A critical factor in any healthy board is a commitment to candid dialogue where any issue can be put on the table, except a hidden agenda or personal attack. Church bullies love the fact that board members won't speak up and won't confront. But we always should. I am constantly amazed at the number of issues that boards know exist but remain unmentioned in their deliberations because it might create friction. So we ignore the obvious and allow the huge elephants to stay in the room unattended to. 

Many interviews were conducted in a culture audit in one church I worked with some years ago. These included staff, deacons, trustees, and people deeply involved in ministry. While many issues surfaced because of poor church leadership, the one outstanding theme was a lack of trust in the senior leader to lead the church forward. All interviewees were key leaders in the church. The board did not want to deal with it, and in this case, the Pastor was the bully who intimidated anyone who got in his way, and I resigned from working with the church. Time will tell if this board will lead more healthily, but this story is familiar. They were complicit in allowing a church bully to hurt many people. Unfortunately, it is a common issue.

In my blog, 15 Things a Church Board should not do, I outline some board behaviors that mitigate against a healthy church board. The bottom line is that the healthier a board, the less likely a bully can exist on the board and get his/her way. Healthy boards operate in ways that create clarity, accountability, and group decision-making. No one person can have veto power, and poor behavior is called out. 

In every instance where I have encountered bullies on a board, it was dysfunctional and unhealthy so they could have a platform in that venue. So, the way to deal with a bully on the board is to bring your board to a healthier place in its practices. My book, High Impact Church Boards, can guide you to that healthy place. 

It takes courage and fortitude to sit on a church board. You must be willing to call out poor behavior and challenge pockets of power that keep others from having a voice. Dysfunctional church boards with a power player can be toxic places to serve. Appeal to the reasonable voices on the board to move the board to a healthier place. And don't be shy about getting outside help to strengthen your board health and practices.  

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

 

Bully behaviors in the church, whether from a board member, a pastor, or others in the congregation, are usually narcissistic behaviors. A bully wants his/her own way and will use whatever means possible to achieve their goals. This can include manipulation, creating leadership division, gossip, slander, passive-aggressive behaviors, threats, and intimidation. All of these are classic narcissistic behaviors. And when confronted, they will play the victim and claim they are being mistreated. It is also why, if confronted, they will often run. Bullies and narcissists don't like accountability and seek to avoid it at all costs. 

A friend left his comment on Facebook on an earlier article in this series. "We dealt with a bully in our life group recently. We made it very clear that the behavior was not acceptable. We were very willing to walk through it with her if she desired to change. She left the group. We shared this with our church leadership so they would be aware. When she repeated the behavior with others, the leaders confronted her. She left the church. Repentance and healing was our main goal, but it was clear that was not hers. The results were a blessing to all." This is not an uncommon outcome because bullies hate and avoid accountability. This is classic narcissistic behavior.

I shared several reasons that boards do not deal with bullies in the church, but there is one reason that I did not cover. We simply cannot believe these people we know would have impure motives. After all, they are Christians! Their motives must be good! 

When we think that way in the face of toxic behaviors, we must wake up and smell the coffee. You need not judge motives, but you can always judge behaviors. Narcissistic behavior or bullying hurts people and organizations, and the church is meant to be a place of healing and unity. To give people a pass on behaviors that violate the Fruit of the Spirit, demand their own way, and use intimidation and underhanded tactics to achieve that is sinful, destructive, and evil. Yet church boards give such behaviors a pass regularly. The result is that people get hurt, deeply wounded, often leave the church, and sometimes abandon it because of the terrible behaviors they encountered among God's people. 

Regardless of how long the offending individual(s) have been in your church or how spiritual their language (I call it God talk), when bully behavior is present along with the toxic behaviors listed above, do not give it a pass! If you do, you are giving them free access to hurt people - God's people - which is not OK. When you do that, you become complicit in their behavior. So now, the very people who are charged in Scripture with protecting God's people become complicit in allowing them to be hurt instead. You cannot teach from the pulpit Godly behaviors and allow the opposite to exist within the congregation because you are unwilling to call it out! 

Narcissistic behavior is the polar opposite of the humility Jesus himself exhibited and teaches us to exhibit in our lives. Humility is like Jesus. Pride, arrogance, and narcissism reflect the Evil One, not Jesus. So when we give it a pass, we are platforming the Evil One in the same church where we teach Jesus and His character. How can that be? On the one hand, you teach people the nature of God and the Fruit of the Spirit; on the other hand, you allow the opposite to create cancer in the church! These are opposing cultures, and you destroy the culture you seek to make in the church. 

Where there is a bully in the church who is creating chaos with their tactics, and the board refuses to deal with it, and it is long-standing, I have counseled pastors caught in the mess to leave. The board is allowing someone to destroy what they are trying to build from the Scriptures, and the two cultures cannot co-exist. But if you confront the behaviors and stick to your guns as Paul did in his letters to the churches in the New Testament, you can root out the rot. But that takes courage. If you are in leadership, I hope you will have that courage when faced with narcissistic behaviors and church bullies.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting destructive behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: When the Pastor is the Bully!

Sometimes, the church bully is the Senior Pastor!

Some years ago, I was asked to help a congregation that was in turmoil. It was a large church, and the senior Pastor had just fired the two key associate pastors, which had caused an uproar in the church as they were loved and had many relationships. 

The first thing I did was to interview the three pastors involved. The behavior of the senior Pastor, as reported to me, was not pretty, and he didn't deny it. I then discovered that six additional staff members had left or been fired in the past two years, and I asked the board if they had interviewed any of them on the way out. They said no, hanging their heads, so I called and interviewed each of them. Their stories were consistent and painful to listen to.

This story ended with a senior pastor being asked to resign, the church dividing, and the board resigning. The board had not paid attention even though they knew the senior leader was dysfunctional. He had created an atmosphere where they didn't dare challenge him. The Pastor was the bully. 

Why do pastors get away with forbidden behaviors even in the secular workplace? Here are some behaviors I have observed over the past 20 years of consulting with local churches, and I am talking about evangelical churches here.

• Pastors whose insecurities cause them to divide people into two camps. Those who agree with them are, therefore, their friends, and those who disagree with them are their enemies. Enemies are ignored, shunted to the side, and marginalized. How does that square with loving the flock?

• Pastors who use threats to get their way. Threats as blatant as "I could fire you if you don't do this" or "I will resign if you push me on this." "I don't care if I get zero votes on a confidence vote. I am not leaving and will take the church down if necessary."

• Pastors who are intimidated by other strong leaders (seen as a threat to their leadership) make it hard for them to serve in the church.

• Pastors who are unaccountable with their time. When they are away from the church, no staff members know where they are or how to reach them.

• Pastors who will not allow their boards to speak into their lives, specific situations that have occurred, conduct executive sessions of the board or give them an annual review. This sends a loud message, "I don't have to be accountable to you."

• Pastors who hire staff without due diligence don't mentor or coach them regularly and fire them if they become a threat to them or don't perform to their standards. This is a user mentality toward people.

• Pastors who leave their church angry deliberately dividing the congregation on their way out.

• Pastors who triangulate relationships to form alliances against others, whether other staff members, board members, or congregants. It is not only wrong but a sign of poor emotional intelligence.

• Pastors who take credit for any advance and find scapegoats for any failure.

• Pastors who use their "God-given authority" to lead as they see fit. After all, they are "God's anointed." Again, this ignores accountability and shared leadership.

• Pastors who speak ill of board members or congregants even as they become angry if they hear of either group criticizing them. 

• Pastors don't allow other staff to challenge their ideas or speak candidly to them about what they see. This creates a closed system where they cannot be challenged or held accountable. Those who ask questions are often marginalized and often let go.

• Pastors who are building their own kingdom rather than God's kingdom. What matters are their ideas and their way. Essentially, they use people to achieve their ends. In fact, when the bully is the Pastor, there is usually a growing pile of bodies in their wake. Those who have been discarded, disenfranchised, marginalized, and left on the side of the road. 

So why do church boards allow this to happen? Unlike a corporate board with little interaction with staff, church boards are a part of the congregation. In almost every instance where I have helped churches deal with a bully pastor or heal in the wake of one, I have asked the church board if they knew something was wrong. In every instance, they said yes. When I asked why they didn't address it, they said they were told it was not their purview, were intimidated by the senior leader, executive sessions were not allowed so that a candid conversation could not take place, and they just hoped things would get better. 

In every instance, the board members said they wished they had spoken up, asked hard questions, had the complicated conversation, and dealt with the dysfunctional leadership of the senior leader. But they didn't, and the fallout to the church was significant. Trust can take years to rebuild, and the culture returned to health after bullying pastors. Boards that do not deal with the poor behaviors of their senior leader are directly complicit in the damage that is done.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: Confronting Bad Behaviors of church bullies

 

The carnage of bullies in the church is significant. Yesterday, I was in an intense discussion at a coffee shop in Canada with three other individuals regarding my blog, "When Church Boards don't Confront Bullies," a woman at the table nearby was listening. As she left, she came and introduced herself and told the story of how her large church in Calgary had been destroyed by a church bully and gave us a book recommendation on narcissists in the church. She was right on three counts. One bully behavior is classic narcissism. Two, it has the power to destroy churches. And three, church leaders are notoriously bad at dealing with the problem. And when they ignore the issue, the damage is significant.

Bullies are chameleons. They try to look spiritual and concerned. But their behaviors are destructive, toxic, and hurtful. Don't be fooled!

Boards don't deal with church bullies because they are intimidated by them. That intimidation is a form of control by bullies, which provides them license to continue their bad behavior. As we will see in this series, and as we have experienced, the bully can be a pastor, a board member, or another individual in the congregation. Intimidation is their method of operation, and the response of many church leaders is passive acceptance of their behavior because they are cowed by that intimidation. Don't be!

How do we effectively deal with those who create division and discord in the church?

First, we need to be clear that there are behaviors that are not OK in the church or, for that matter, in any healthy organization. They include slander, malicious gossip, character assassination, lack of accountability, the need to have "my way," working behind the scenes to divide and conquer, unwillingness to resolve personal differences, operating in the shadows where one can create doubt, distrust, and division without being accountable for their actions, and the list could go on. See my blog, "How to Spot a Bully in the church."

Bullying behavior in the church is not very creative. It is, at its core, pure intimidation. Bullies are often arsonists in their behavior. They light fires of mistrust, create doubt, slander others in private conversations, and then deny and lie when confronted. But the behaviors are pretty consistent - often hidden in "spiritual" language, which is not spiritual at all but is evil because it destroys people, manipulates to get its own way, destroys the unity we should have in Christ (Ephesians 4), and reflects the Evil One rather than Jesus.

So, the first step in confronting such behavior is to be clear that these behaviors are unacceptable and must stop. This is the job of church leaders. Whether it is a friend of theirs, a long-time acquaintance, or someone with money and power - it does not matter. These behaviors are wrong, and if you claim the Scriptures as your guide, you cannot ignore the obvious: This is sin, it is wrong, and it hurts the Body of Jesus. 

Bullies in the church believe, often rightly, that you will not confront them. You must! They must know that you are aware of their behavior, will not tolerate it, and that it must stop. Period. Bullies will deny, excuse their behavior, tell you they only want God's best, point the finger at others, and try to intimidate and divide you as leaders, but don't fall for it. They must know that their behavior is wrong and will not be tolerated, and if they continue, there will be consequences. 

Here is something to remember. Bullying behavior is underhanded behavior because bullies are often cowards at heart. Cowards use deceptive tactics and run from accountability. They will be surprised when church leaders are clear that this behavior is not OK and will not be tolerated. They may try to divide you and talk their way out of it and can become angry when confronted. None of that is indicative of a humble, Christlike attitude. In the best-case scenario, they respond with humility and repentance. Often, that will not happen. Regardless, you must protect the body's unity and health, which means that this behavior will not be tolerated. 

They need to know that you will not tolerate their bad behavior. They also need to know that you will not back down. Not now, not ever. Leaders unwilling to hold bullies accountable should not be in leadership because they are not protecting the flock.

What happens if the behavior continues and they will not be accountable. You have already been clear. You have reasoned with them. You have clarified what is acceptable and what is not. If they persist, you simply tell them that if they continue, you will follow the Matthew 18 model and put them under church discipline. 

In my experience, bullies often run when they realize you will not back down. They hate accountability, and if you make it clear that you will hold them accountable, they will often leave the church. You hope they will change their ways, but if they don't, your job is to protect the flock, and that means that you will not shy away from public disclosure of their behavior, and that is the one thing they are deathly afraid of because they work in the shadows rather than in the light.

Here are the objections you will hear from being clear on acceptable behaviors and holding them accountable for those behaviors.

One: They are long-time acquaintances, and I don't want to offend them. What you are saying is that you are willing for others to be hurt and the body of Christ compromised because you don't want to hold someone accountable for their behavior. That is a terrible bargain to make if you are a church leader.

Two: They are really good people and have done many good things. This is about something other than whether they are good people or not. It is about behaviors that are sinful and destructive. No matter how many good things they have done over the years, their bullying behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

Three: They are big donors to the church, and we cannot compromise that. I am amazed at how often this comes up. We say bad behavior will be tolerated because we need the individual's money. Do you think Jesus thinks that way? Let me say this. Their supposed generosity is often a perception they want you to have, but it is not a reality. Regardless, it is not a license to hurt the body. 

Four: Others might leave if they leave. So, let's be honest. People will leave if you don't deal with them because they create a toxic culture. Your job is not to ensure no one goes but that the body is healthy. Harmful behavior hurts people, and the church is meant to heal rather than hurt. Other people will make decisions about where they want to attend. If people leave because they take up the offense of those you have held accountable, so be it. That is their decision. Your job is to create a healthy environment; the more healthy it is, the more people will be attracted to it. If you want to kill a church, allow toxic behavior, and it will die. It may be a long, slow death, but it will die. Remember that if you are unwilling to hold bullies accountable. In that case, you have simply signed the church's death warrant.

Five: I don't want to rock the boat. What you are really saying is that you don't want to lead. And that you are willing to let the bully rock the boat while you remain passive. 

Six: Are we not just overreacting? When you have bullies in the church, there is often a pile of bodies in their wake. If you want to know if you are overreacting, ask those who have been the targets of your bully. They have been hurt, many have left the church, you may have lost a pastor because of them, and a great deal of pain has been felt. And look, you would not allow this behavior in your business, but you are willing to allow it in the church? Paul was clear on behaviors that are not acceptable in the church. Was he overreacting?

There are many reasons not to confront bad behavior in the church and church bullies. In the end, choosing that route will destroy and hurt your church. Don't go that route. What excuses are you using if you have a bullying problem and have not confronted the individual? And what behavior are you allowing to be perpetuated in your passive acceptance of their behaviors?

If you need outside counsel to navigate a difficult church bully, get that help. But don't ignore the issue. Lead as God has called you to lead. In the best-case scenario, you help a bully move to health and humility. If not, you protect the flock from their behaviors. In either case, it is a win, and the alternative is a loss.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: When church boards don't confront church bullies

 

Church bullies are toxic to the local church. They create divisions and unhealthy alliances, spread gossip and rumors, and undermine leaders regularly. They do this to accomplish their ends. They may be angry, have an agenda, or want to hurt leaders, whether boards or the senior Pastor. But the end result of their toxic, unethical, and unbiblical behavior is to hurt God's people. If you are a church leader, please read that last sentence again because it matters. 

Here is the problem with church boards and church bullies. Boards are very reluctant to deal with them. They are intimidated by them and don't want to rock the boat. They find all kinds of ways to justify this toxic behavior. "Oh, that is just Joe; get used to it." Listen, Betty is a good person despite all the gossip and malicious lies she tells." "We have always had a problem with Bill." 

And who gets hurt? First, God's people. The leadership becomes complicit in the toxicity when they refuse to deal with it. Bullies use disinformation, unkind words, gossip, malicious charges, and underhanded techniques to get their way. And they refuse to be held accountable. They triangulate leaders and, in the process, create doubt, distrust, and undermine senior leaders. Often, the senior Pastor. 

I am asking passive boards to reconsider their inaction when it comes to those who are toxic in the church. You are the key to solving these issues, and I invite you to do what God needs you to do and protect the body of Christ. 

I have several questions for church boards.

First, if you were the target of this malicious behavior, would you want someone to stand up for you? That is what senior pastors often don't get. They are expected to put up with unacceptable behavior in the church because you, as a board member, will not call the bullies out and confront them on their behavior. Many pastors live in pain or choose to move on when boards will not protect them.

Second, if you were a business or business owner leader, would you allow this behavior in your organization? Of course, you would not. You would recognize that this behavior does not serve you well and is undermining you and what you are trying to accomplish, and you would put a decisive stop to it. So why do you allow it to continue in the church?

Third, what do you make of frequent commands to Timothy and others to deal with divisive people in the church because their behavior is antithetical to what God has called us to? One day, you will stand before God and account for what you did and did not do as a leader and whether you protected the flock for such sinful behavior. 

You cannot have a healthy church with unchallenged toxic behavior! It will not happen, so pretending it is OK and you don't need to act is foolish and naive. Paul specifically commands leaders to deal with the three wolves of heresy (false teaching), sinful behavior (that is ongoing and egregious), and those who sow division in the church. Paul challenged the church in Corinth to deal with those who sowed division and those living in unrepentant sin. 

Church bullies do what they do because they suspect no one will challenge their behavior. After all, they have gotten away with it for a long time. They refuse to be accountable and refuse to repent, apologize, and adopt healthy behaviors. And boards coddle them, don't confront them, and tell pastors this is just the price of ministry. That is wrong, unbiblical, toxic, and makes leaders complicit. And thousands of complicit church leaders refuse to do what they are supposed to do as undershepherds of God's flock and protect the body of Christ. 

If you are one of those board members who will not confront sinful behavior (it is), either step aside or do the job God has given you to do. The health of your congregation is at stake.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting the bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: How to spot a bully in the church

Newsflash: There are often people in a church who are bullies and get away with it because church leadership is too nice to call them out on their destructive behavior. Often, we know something is not right, but how do we know when behavior has crossed a line and is unacceptable? Here are some behavioral signs that you may be dealing with a bully.

They have to get their own way. If a group decision is not their liking and they insist that things are done their way, beware.

They intimidate to get their way. It can be intimidation in attitude, not letting go of an issue, constantly pushing, or threats of some sort.

They triangulate others into their orbit to put pressure on leaders. Talking about their "concerns" (nothing other than manipulation), they develop a group that they rope into their point of view, so now there is a group dynamic to the bullying.

They criticize others, usually leaders in private, seeking to undermine the authority of a leader or leaders. Those they talk to often take up the offense or cause without any reason.

No matter how much attention they are given or how many conversations one has with them, they do not move off their position. It is their way or no way.

They often raise their issues in congregational meetings, seeking to force the hand of leadership. Nor are they nice about what they have to say.

They do not respect authority. Especially church authority - unless they are in church leadership, in which case they demand others respect their authority.

They cloak their concerns and language in spiritual terms. When behaviors don't match the words, don't be fooled. This is not spiritual. It is about power and getting one's way.

When confronted, they deny, fight back, or lie. They are not willing to be held accountable.

They hurt people who get in their way but are never wrong and rarely apologize. After all, it is about them, not others.

Why do bullies get their way in many churches? Because they can and because fellow Christians are not very smart about what is happening. After all, would a fellow Christian have ulterior motives??? The answer in many situations is "absolutely." Don't be fooled, don't be intimidated, and don't allow these kinds of behaviors in your church. It is divisive, dangerous, ungodly, and evil. Call it for what it is.

By the way, the Apostle Paul warned of those who create division in the church. That is what Bullies do, but our unwillingness to confront sin often lets them get their way. In fact, in many cases, we would never put up with that behavior in the workplace, but we do it all the time in the church. Sad. 

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member