Who is the real me and the real you? Sometimes we are not who people think we are as there is a public persona of who we hope people see us as and the real us that is not always in alignment with that persona.
The real us does pop out from time to time and it comes in interesting ways: when we face a deep crisis, when we are unjustly accused, when we are confronted over an issue in our life or when we lose our jobs. All of these situations (and I am sure more) bring to the surface that which is most deeply hidden in our hearts. Here is where the true test of character lies - for better for worse.
Most of us pay too little attention to the words of Jesus that what comes out of a man is what is actually in a man. Most of us can manage our emotions and actions well enough in public forgetting that the most authentic version of us is being forged deep in our hearts in quiet times and hidden places that others do not see. This is where our deepest convictions are forged, our most authentic faith is developed and our character is hammered out.
When crisis comes it is those convictions, that faith and that character that emerges in all of its depth or shallowness. Because it is in these times that we don't manage our emotions and responses well. Rather what is there is what emerges for all to see. Often it is not pretty. Sometimes is it amazingly Christ-like. The difference is what was forged in the deepest places of our lives.
When faith, patience, trust in God's sovereignty and kindness toward others, even our accusers shows up in a crisis situation you know that it comes from a core of spiritual health. When bitterness, anger, accusations, and self serving actions and attitudes show up in crisis you know that it comes from a core of spiritual dishealth.
For what is forged on the inside is what will surface in difficult times.
Who is the real you? The authentic you? Are you forging in deep places and quiet ways the faith, character and convictions that will show up unexpectedly when hard times come - as they inevitably do? The test of our true self is not how we act on a good day but how we handle ourselves on a truly bad and awful day.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Are you an evangelical functional deist?
This blog is likely to make some uncomfortable. My observation is that many who call themselves followers of Jesus, at least in the west, are functional deists - they don't believe in their heart of hearts that Jesus breaks into our lives or our situations personally to do the unexpected, the miraculous or speak to us personally. It is as if there is a God in heaven who does not break in and work in our lives personally.
Thomas Jefferson was one of the most famous diests among the founding fathers. He actually modified his Bible by taking out all references to the miraculous. His god was a small god who set the world in motion and let it move along according to the natural laws of nature and no natural law of nature had room for the miraculous. We would never modify our Bibles but do we harbor doubts in our mind just as Jefferson that our God does not do the unexpected and miraculous today?
Well, God is a God of surprises who loves to challenge our thinking. Here is a great example from a member of ReachGlobal's staff in Africa - in his words
"The day was fresh. New.
My heart was still and waiting.
As I sat quietly on the upper floor balcony of my house overlooking the
hills of the city, I just praised the Lord for this new day. I spent some time reading and listening . . .
and then began a time of rested listening prayer. I enjoy these kinds of times many mornings
where I just want to SOAK with Jesus.
Just rest in His presence and not have to accomplish anything. I want to hear His voice. I often ask for that one simple thing: “Jesus, I just want to hear Your voice. Speak to me.
Tell me what you want me to do.”
"As I sat there in my
wicker rattan chair, legs crossed and arms folded, I heard something that
surprised me. I just heard
these simple words: “Go to the hospital
and pray for Clarice. Ask me for her
complete recovery. Try me and I will do
it.” Our dear national friends who are
part of our church family had just been married in the last two years and had
been expecting TWINS! At the birth of
the children, Clarice suffered a massive stroke. A young Cameroonian mother . . . having just
birthed a beautiful boy and a beautiful girl . . . experiencing a
life-altering, life-threatening, life-scrambling STROKE. Our hearts just ached. We felt sorrow and we wondered what God would
do.
"Now, here I am sitting on
my balcony and God simply says in a quiet, clear voice: “Go and pray.
Ask me. Try me and I will do it.” My eyebrows went up. I shook my head. I literally said OUTLOUD, “You’ve got to be
KIDDING!?!” And then I prayed: “Lord, that was YOU, wasn’t it?” I knew it was. It was a direct answer to my prayer: “Jesus, I want to hear Your Voice. Speak to me.
I will do what you want me to do.”
And I remembered the prayer months earlier that my teammate, Arthur
Ellison, had prayed over me in one of our team meetings, that I would pray for
people’s physical healing as God might prompt me.
"Well, after wrestling with
this for three days and then repenting from a lack of faith and wondering if
God was really serious, I decided to take HIM seriously. My wife and I and our national pastor and his
wife got in the car and did exactly what God asked me to do. As I stood over her bed, wearing a mask and
gown—one visitor allowed at a time . . . I simply told Clarice what I felt God
had asked me to do and prayed over her and anointed her with oil. She received . . . eyes bulged open, not
herself in the slightest. She worked to
speak at all . . . and said . . . “Thank . . . . . you.”
"My wife went in, my pastor
went in, then our pastor’s wife spent a few minutes with her—only to tell us on
the way home from the hospital that night this unbelievable report: “Clarice told me that she had a vision just
three days ago, that God came and told her that YOU needed to come and pray
over her for healing. She has been
waiting here three days knowing that you would come. And . . . that God would heal her.”
"I could hardly believe
what I was hearing. The same day He
spoke to me, He spoke to her. What a
confirmation that God is clearly, actively wanting to do extraordinary things
IN and THROUGH US! We need to
expect!! WE need to yearn and hunger for
His miraculous and simple voice to show up each day. Then, we need to just yield and do as He asks.
"Clarice was told she’d
never walk. She would most likely never
speak and may be bed-ridden the rest of her life. Well, all praise to God—she not only walks,
she runs. She not only speaks. She speaks French and English and her mother
tongue as well! She sings. She smiles.
She testifies and evangelizes.
She shares with everyone what God has done for her! She is a happy and proud mother of two
beautiful kids. Her husband Claude never
doubted for a moment that God would bring his wife back to her original
self. And . . . by God’s great grace, He
has done JUST THAT!
Humbled and honored, Jeff Brown"
As one who has experienced the miraculous myself, I am no functional deist. Not only do I believe in the power of God to break in but I would not be alive today if He had not.
Invite Him into your situation, or the situation of someone who needs it. He may surprise you.
Cheap can be costlier than you think
One of my frustrations in working with ministry organizations is their propensity to choose cheap over whatever it takes to do a job well. It is as if cheap is close to God's heart and anything else is extravagance and a waste of money.
There is another guide that is neither cheap or extravagant. It merely asks the question, "What will it cost to solve this problem so that our needs are met well and we have stability in this area?" Doing it the cheapest way will usually neither meet needs or give stability. Paying more than we need to may be cutting edge but is often beyond what we need.
Take a ministry that has struggled with technology for years. A solution would not be expensive as they are small but the lack of stability, connectedness and right software has cost them dearly in lost productivity and staff frustration! That lost productivity is far more expensive than if they had spent the money necessary to maintain a stable system. The difference is that the cost of an unstable system is hidden and can easily be overlooked.
Cheap also translates over to how we often do staffing in ministry. In our desire to save money we frequently hire at the lowest possible salary level and often (not always) get what we are willing to pay for in terms of experience and professionalism. What if we reversed that trend by paying competitive rates, hiring the very best and staffing lean? We would get a higher caliber of help, with greater capacity and need fewer people. Instead, when we hire at the lowest wage level possible we often end up needing more people.
Cheap is often far more costly than people realize. The shadow side of cheap is that it can get you the wrong people, solutions that don't work and hidden expenses that you cannot quantify but are surely there. And since when is cheap some kind of Biblical value?
Instead of cheap, ask this question: "What will it cost to solve this problem so that our needs are met well and we have stability in this area?"
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Where are our Christian Statesmen and Stateswomen today?
With the loss of yet another christian statesman in the person of Chuck Colson and a generation that is leaving us it begs the question as to who will carry that role in the future. When Billy Graham goes to be with Jesus the most visible statesman of our generation will be gone and in many ways his voice has been fading already.
Because many of us can play that role in our small corner of the world I have been reflecting on what the characteristics of a Christian statesman or stateswoman would look like. Here my thoughts.
They are deeply grounded in Jesus and in a thoroughly Christian worldview. These are people who think deeply about the issues of society and how those issues intersect with the values and priorities of God. Issues like justice, fairness, the ability to speak in the public square, bringing our deepest values into the marketplace and congruity between what we espouse and how we live. Chuck Colson, John Stott, Francis Schaeffer, Mother Theresa and Timothy Keller are examples of those who have bridged the sacred/secular divide through a Christian worldview. Each brought or bring spiritual wisdom to bear on the challenges of our society.
They are publicly non-partisan individuals who build bridges instead of walls. One of the great barriers to Christian statesmanship today is the divisiveness of our political system. I honor each individual of faith who works in that difficult environment but by its very nature it is partisan and dividing rather than bridge building and uniting (with few exceptions).
Jesus is not the God of the Green Party, the Libertarians, the Republicans or the Democrats. He is the Lord of all and His truth supersedes all partisan squabbles. Thus it is a huge mistake for those who would speak for God on any issue to become spokespersons at the same time for any political party. We do speak to issues that are close to God's heart. We do not marry our position with a party because God is not the God of any political party. In western democracies, no party has a corner on the truth and all have a corner on some truth.
All of us have political views but Christian statesmen and women speak to the issues that transcend any party. They speak from a position of truth, not politics and from a deeply held Christian world view. In doing so they can build bridges across political parties and do what politics can only rarely do - bring people together rather than divide.
They are deeply humble individuals who are not looking for personal fame or recognition. Here is an irony. While power, fame and position are the coinage of our world, people are drawn to the truly humble who are not trading on any of those but only on deeply held belief and truth. What else did Mother Theresa have? Certainly no power or position and her fame (what she did not ask for) was a direct result of her humble service. Mother Theresa could speak truth in places of power where it made people deeply uncomfortable because of the power of her very life.
The minute that humility gives way to pride, the Christian statesman or woman have lost their ability to speak with clarity on any subject and indeed the desire to fan the flame of adulation will cause them to modify their message because truth is rarely popular in the long run.
They are diplomatic and loving even in their truth telling. One of the reasons that Christian states-people build bridges is that they are kind, compassionate, humble and kind with people - especially those who disagree with them. What soul was more kind and gentle than John Stott? Who could not like his self effacing personality, easy smile and kind actions? Why was it that Chuck Colson, one of the most partisan individuals prior to his faith could build bridges that transcended politics? Even when Mother Theresa was at her feistiest who could get in her face?
When prophets get angry they lose their audience, with good reason. Christian states-people reflect the character, attitudes and relationships of Christ.
I don't know who the next Christian states-people will be, at least the prominent ones. I do know that all of us can live out these qualities in our corner of the world, with the people we know and perhaps hundreds of thousands of smaller Christian states-people is more powerful than an well known handful.
Because many of us can play that role in our small corner of the world I have been reflecting on what the characteristics of a Christian statesman or stateswoman would look like. Here my thoughts.
They are deeply grounded in Jesus and in a thoroughly Christian worldview. These are people who think deeply about the issues of society and how those issues intersect with the values and priorities of God. Issues like justice, fairness, the ability to speak in the public square, bringing our deepest values into the marketplace and congruity between what we espouse and how we live. Chuck Colson, John Stott, Francis Schaeffer, Mother Theresa and Timothy Keller are examples of those who have bridged the sacred/secular divide through a Christian worldview. Each brought or bring spiritual wisdom to bear on the challenges of our society.
They are publicly non-partisan individuals who build bridges instead of walls. One of the great barriers to Christian statesmanship today is the divisiveness of our political system. I honor each individual of faith who works in that difficult environment but by its very nature it is partisan and dividing rather than bridge building and uniting (with few exceptions).
Jesus is not the God of the Green Party, the Libertarians, the Republicans or the Democrats. He is the Lord of all and His truth supersedes all partisan squabbles. Thus it is a huge mistake for those who would speak for God on any issue to become spokespersons at the same time for any political party. We do speak to issues that are close to God's heart. We do not marry our position with a party because God is not the God of any political party. In western democracies, no party has a corner on the truth and all have a corner on some truth.
All of us have political views but Christian statesmen and women speak to the issues that transcend any party. They speak from a position of truth, not politics and from a deeply held Christian world view. In doing so they can build bridges across political parties and do what politics can only rarely do - bring people together rather than divide.
They are deeply humble individuals who are not looking for personal fame or recognition. Here is an irony. While power, fame and position are the coinage of our world, people are drawn to the truly humble who are not trading on any of those but only on deeply held belief and truth. What else did Mother Theresa have? Certainly no power or position and her fame (what she did not ask for) was a direct result of her humble service. Mother Theresa could speak truth in places of power where it made people deeply uncomfortable because of the power of her very life.
The minute that humility gives way to pride, the Christian statesman or woman have lost their ability to speak with clarity on any subject and indeed the desire to fan the flame of adulation will cause them to modify their message because truth is rarely popular in the long run.
They are diplomatic and loving even in their truth telling. One of the reasons that Christian states-people build bridges is that they are kind, compassionate, humble and kind with people - especially those who disagree with them. What soul was more kind and gentle than John Stott? Who could not like his self effacing personality, easy smile and kind actions? Why was it that Chuck Colson, one of the most partisan individuals prior to his faith could build bridges that transcended politics? Even when Mother Theresa was at her feistiest who could get in her face?
When prophets get angry they lose their audience, with good reason. Christian states-people reflect the character, attitudes and relationships of Christ.
I don't know who the next Christian states-people will be, at least the prominent ones. I do know that all of us can live out these qualities in our corner of the world, with the people we know and perhaps hundreds of thousands of smaller Christian states-people is more powerful than an well known handful.
Prayers of the People
For Brook, Heather, Paige, and Roger who all need our prayers.
I have the joy on occasion to attend an evangelical Anglican church. One of the things I deeply appreciate in their services is the emphasis on prayer. Prayers of the people, prayers of confession and prayers of praise. In many ways we have lost the emphasis on prayer in many of our evangelical churches.
My family knows the power of united prayer for without the prayers of many during my long illness of 2007-2008 and then again in early 2009, I would not be alive. Medical doctors cannot explain how I was healed. They know it was miraculous.
The story can be read in When Life Comes Undone: Walking by Faith when Life is Hard and Hope is Scarce. The truth is that these situations come to us all at one time or another. The question when they come is do we have a group of friends who will pray passionately for our situation?
We take the power of prayer too lightly, at least in the west where we can rely on our own resources to fix things. But even with us, there comes a time when we have no other resource but Jesus. None.
As I often say, "It is a wonderful thing to come to the place where we have nothing else to rely on but God. When all of our resources are exhausted as eventually they are we have the one thing we have had all along: Jesus. And He is enough." I would not have said that before my own dark night of the soul but I have learned that not only is He enough but He is the single most important thing I need.
One of the greatest gifts we can give those around us is to become people of prayer for them. To lift those up in our circles who are hurting, who are sick, who are without hope, who are grieving or dealing with whatever real life has dealt them. It takes intentionality on our part but it is the very gift that we would ask for in our own dark night.
Prayer bring hope, it may well bring healing. It always brings the presence of a loving father. It brings us and those we pray for into the very throne room of the Lord of the universe. It brings a smile to God's face and a blessing on those we pray for. It is a hidden gift in that those we lift up may never know this side of eternity but they will know one day.
We need one another and Jesus far more than we know. Let's lift up those who are need of God's intervention on a daily basis. Prayers of the people are beautiful on Sundays and necessary every day.
I have the joy on occasion to attend an evangelical Anglican church. One of the things I deeply appreciate in their services is the emphasis on prayer. Prayers of the people, prayers of confession and prayers of praise. In many ways we have lost the emphasis on prayer in many of our evangelical churches.
My family knows the power of united prayer for without the prayers of many during my long illness of 2007-2008 and then again in early 2009, I would not be alive. Medical doctors cannot explain how I was healed. They know it was miraculous.
The story can be read in When Life Comes Undone: Walking by Faith when Life is Hard and Hope is Scarce. The truth is that these situations come to us all at one time or another. The question when they come is do we have a group of friends who will pray passionately for our situation?
We take the power of prayer too lightly, at least in the west where we can rely on our own resources to fix things. But even with us, there comes a time when we have no other resource but Jesus. None.
As I often say, "It is a wonderful thing to come to the place where we have nothing else to rely on but God. When all of our resources are exhausted as eventually they are we have the one thing we have had all along: Jesus. And He is enough." I would not have said that before my own dark night of the soul but I have learned that not only is He enough but He is the single most important thing I need.
One of the greatest gifts we can give those around us is to become people of prayer for them. To lift those up in our circles who are hurting, who are sick, who are without hope, who are grieving or dealing with whatever real life has dealt them. It takes intentionality on our part but it is the very gift that we would ask for in our own dark night.
Prayer bring hope, it may well bring healing. It always brings the presence of a loving father. It brings us and those we pray for into the very throne room of the Lord of the universe. It brings a smile to God's face and a blessing on those we pray for. It is a hidden gift in that those we lift up may never know this side of eternity but they will know one day.
We need one another and Jesus far more than we know. Let's lift up those who are need of God's intervention on a daily basis. Prayers of the people are beautiful on Sundays and necessary every day.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Want the loyalty of your staff? Consider these things.
Recently I wrote a blog on "The issue of staff loyalty," which had more hits than any blog in two years. Mostly because the loyalty that many leaders ask for is neither healthy or true loyalty.
Here is the question I want to pose? How do leaders develop true and healthy loyalty among their staff. The answer is deeply counter intuitive and the opposite of how many leaders seek to enforce loyalty. In fact, loyalty cannot be forced or enforced. But it can be nurtured and developed. It is done, however, in just the opposite way that unhealthy leaders seek to enforce it.
These are some of the qualities that build high loyalty among staff. They are practices of healthy leaders.
I want the very best for my staff and their development.I will help them become everything they can be and at the same time hold them with an open hand should it be time for them to leave and take on a larger challenge. When that day comes I will celebrate with them and help them make a healthy transition.
I will encourage them to be their own people, speak their own minds and engage with me and the team in robust dialogue as long as there are no personal attacks or hidden agendas. Every person at my leadership table is there for a reason and I want all their intellectual capital, ideas and thoughts. It is an open, candid, collegial atmosphere.
I will encourage disagreement and push back and will never marginalize anyone for doing so. Loyalty is not that you agree with me but that you want the very best for the organization and are willing to do whatever it takes to help us get there. Rather than trying to control thoughts (which never works), I will encourage candid discussion of the issues knowing that this is how we get to the best solution. I will always send the message, "I want your opinion."
I will keep my word and model integrity and honesty. The commitments, lifestyle and treatment of people by leaders breeds either cynicism or respect. There is no loyalty without well earned respect by leaders. Leaders model the behaviors and commitments that they require of staff.
I will stay connected with them so that they know I care about them and appreciate their work. Disconnected leaders send a message of lack of appreciation. I cannot be the best buddy of my staff (and that is not healthy) but I can stay connected, interested and engaged in what they are doing. This also means that I will give regular feedback on how they are doing and remove barriers they face so they can be as productive as possible.
I will compensate them fairly for the job they do. Taking advantage of people by not paying them well or fairly for their work breeds discontent with good reason.
I will not micromanage but empower well within understood boundaries. Empowerment is one of the most powerful keys to loyalty because it sends a message of trust, competence and the desire to allow one to use all of their gifts and creativity to accomplish the outcomes of their job. Micromanagement is deeply disempowering.
I will provide maximum clarity on what our ministry is about and how we intend to get to success. Clarity is empowering and releasing because with clarity people know what direction to go and they are released to help us get there.
I will lead from influence rather than positional authority except in those rare instances where positional authority must be used. Positional authority can be a means of control while leading from influence is a means of mentoring and empowerment. Wherever possible we want staff to make appropriate ministry decisions within the boundaries they have been given.
I will not make unilateral decisions that impact my staff without talking to them. People do not like surprises. And, senior leaders may well not have thought through all the unintended consequences of decisions made for the organization. Thus I will always consult my senior leaders prior to any major directional or policy move so that it is us making the decision, not me.
I will be candid and truthful about issues related to the organization. Staff have the right to know what challenges the organization is dealing with. Unless it is confidential, good leadership does not hide issues or spin them but shares them candidly and honestly.
I will encourage loyalty to God and to the mission of the organization rather than to me as the leader. Our mission is the strongest glue that holds us together. Loyalty to the leader is never as strong as loyalty to the mission. Leaders can disappoint and leave. Leaders who demand loyalty are leading from a narcissistic place while leaders who encourage loyalty to the mission are leading out of servant leadership.
Ironically, leaders who don't demand loyalty but serve in ways illustrated above are leaders who have the loyalty of their staff. They did not ask for it but they earned it. In fact, good leaders don't even think about developing staff loyalty to them. They simply serve their staff well.
Here is the question I want to pose? How do leaders develop true and healthy loyalty among their staff. The answer is deeply counter intuitive and the opposite of how many leaders seek to enforce loyalty. In fact, loyalty cannot be forced or enforced. But it can be nurtured and developed. It is done, however, in just the opposite way that unhealthy leaders seek to enforce it.
These are some of the qualities that build high loyalty among staff. They are practices of healthy leaders.
I want the very best for my staff and their development.I will help them become everything they can be and at the same time hold them with an open hand should it be time for them to leave and take on a larger challenge. When that day comes I will celebrate with them and help them make a healthy transition.
I will encourage them to be their own people, speak their own minds and engage with me and the team in robust dialogue as long as there are no personal attacks or hidden agendas. Every person at my leadership table is there for a reason and I want all their intellectual capital, ideas and thoughts. It is an open, candid, collegial atmosphere.
I will encourage disagreement and push back and will never marginalize anyone for doing so. Loyalty is not that you agree with me but that you want the very best for the organization and are willing to do whatever it takes to help us get there. Rather than trying to control thoughts (which never works), I will encourage candid discussion of the issues knowing that this is how we get to the best solution. I will always send the message, "I want your opinion."
I will keep my word and model integrity and honesty. The commitments, lifestyle and treatment of people by leaders breeds either cynicism or respect. There is no loyalty without well earned respect by leaders. Leaders model the behaviors and commitments that they require of staff.
I will stay connected with them so that they know I care about them and appreciate their work. Disconnected leaders send a message of lack of appreciation. I cannot be the best buddy of my staff (and that is not healthy) but I can stay connected, interested and engaged in what they are doing. This also means that I will give regular feedback on how they are doing and remove barriers they face so they can be as productive as possible.
I will compensate them fairly for the job they do. Taking advantage of people by not paying them well or fairly for their work breeds discontent with good reason.
I will not micromanage but empower well within understood boundaries. Empowerment is one of the most powerful keys to loyalty because it sends a message of trust, competence and the desire to allow one to use all of their gifts and creativity to accomplish the outcomes of their job. Micromanagement is deeply disempowering.
I will provide maximum clarity on what our ministry is about and how we intend to get to success. Clarity is empowering and releasing because with clarity people know what direction to go and they are released to help us get there.
I will lead from influence rather than positional authority except in those rare instances where positional authority must be used. Positional authority can be a means of control while leading from influence is a means of mentoring and empowerment. Wherever possible we want staff to make appropriate ministry decisions within the boundaries they have been given.
I will not make unilateral decisions that impact my staff without talking to them. People do not like surprises. And, senior leaders may well not have thought through all the unintended consequences of decisions made for the organization. Thus I will always consult my senior leaders prior to any major directional or policy move so that it is us making the decision, not me.
I will be candid and truthful about issues related to the organization. Staff have the right to know what challenges the organization is dealing with. Unless it is confidential, good leadership does not hide issues or spin them but shares them candidly and honestly.
I will encourage loyalty to God and to the mission of the organization rather than to me as the leader. Our mission is the strongest glue that holds us together. Loyalty to the leader is never as strong as loyalty to the mission. Leaders can disappoint and leave. Leaders who demand loyalty are leading from a narcissistic place while leaders who encourage loyalty to the mission are leading out of servant leadership.
Ironically, leaders who don't demand loyalty but serve in ways illustrated above are leaders who have the loyalty of their staff. They did not ask for it but they earned it. In fact, good leaders don't even think about developing staff loyalty to them. They simply serve their staff well.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Relational Intelligence
I believe there is a direct connection between the health of a church or organization and the relational intelligence of its constituency. I would argue, for instance, that churches with high levels of conflict have poor relational skills while congregations with little to no ongoing conflict have a higher level of relational intelligence.
Relational intelligence, a part of EQ or emotional intelligence, is the ability to relate to others in healthy ways, keep personal boundaries intact, negotiate conflict or differences with others without breaking relationship, be self defined personally about what one believes even when others would disagree and not get pulled into emotional triangles or enmeshment with others. If you think about it, the lack of these skills are large contributors to conflict and relational dysfunction.
Consider personal boundaries. Any number of individuals or groups would like to pull you into their orbit, take up their cause, believe their version of events and rope you into their issues. Healthy personal boundaries recognizes this when they see it and wisely hold their own counsel rather than get pulled into other issues. One of the major reasons that conflict escalates is the lack of healthy personal boundaries.
Or consider self definition - the ability to speak one's mind with clarity even when others may disagree. When there is poor relational intelligence, rather than being self defined, individuals communicate what they think others want to hear (for reasons of acceptance). The problem is that they often cater to their audience and end up giving false impressions as to what they really believe and say one thing to one group and another to another group which causes all kinds of confusion.
One of the most critical areas of relational intelligence goes to how we handle people who disagree with us. All too often when people disagree, they are cut off from friendships, marginalized if they are staff, and labeled as disloyal and troublemakers. Think of how destructive, painful, unloving and emotionally immature this is. It is a sign of someone who is not only emotionally immature but self absorbed because the core of this behavior is totally narcissistic. Because someone has not treated me well, or disagreed with me, or taken issue with me, I can no longer trust them, don't want to relate to them and thus I will marginalize them. Notice that it is all about me.
Whole churches get embroiled in conflict when this lack of relational intelligence prevails because those who don't agree with us become the enemy and relationships are severed. Staffs become dysfunctional when senior leaders display this behavior because they are dividing their staff into two camps, the loyal and disloyal and loyalty is usually defined as "they agree with me."
Interestingly, the New Testament has a great deal to say about relationships - healthy and unhealthy and it is the healthy that define good relational intelligence. Groups with high relational intelligence can differ on major issues but remain connected, loving and committed to one another. That is not true when there is poor relational intelligence which by definition divides, escalates conflict and destroys relationships.
I tend to give those with poor relational intelligence a very wide berth because I don't want to be caught up in their relational chaos.
We need to talk more candidly with our congregations about what God honoring relationships look like and what behaviors are destructive and decidedly not God honoring. We also need to be far more proactive in training ministry staff on issues of relational intelligence. Either we allow a relational culture that defines itself (usually negatively) or we define a God honoring relational culture and help people understand what contributes to health and what contributes to dis- health.
Good relational intelligence:
Relational intelligence, a part of EQ or emotional intelligence, is the ability to relate to others in healthy ways, keep personal boundaries intact, negotiate conflict or differences with others without breaking relationship, be self defined personally about what one believes even when others would disagree and not get pulled into emotional triangles or enmeshment with others. If you think about it, the lack of these skills are large contributors to conflict and relational dysfunction.
Consider personal boundaries. Any number of individuals or groups would like to pull you into their orbit, take up their cause, believe their version of events and rope you into their issues. Healthy personal boundaries recognizes this when they see it and wisely hold their own counsel rather than get pulled into other issues. One of the major reasons that conflict escalates is the lack of healthy personal boundaries.
Or consider self definition - the ability to speak one's mind with clarity even when others may disagree. When there is poor relational intelligence, rather than being self defined, individuals communicate what they think others want to hear (for reasons of acceptance). The problem is that they often cater to their audience and end up giving false impressions as to what they really believe and say one thing to one group and another to another group which causes all kinds of confusion.
One of the most critical areas of relational intelligence goes to how we handle people who disagree with us. All too often when people disagree, they are cut off from friendships, marginalized if they are staff, and labeled as disloyal and troublemakers. Think of how destructive, painful, unloving and emotionally immature this is. It is a sign of someone who is not only emotionally immature but self absorbed because the core of this behavior is totally narcissistic. Because someone has not treated me well, or disagreed with me, or taken issue with me, I can no longer trust them, don't want to relate to them and thus I will marginalize them. Notice that it is all about me.
Whole churches get embroiled in conflict when this lack of relational intelligence prevails because those who don't agree with us become the enemy and relationships are severed. Staffs become dysfunctional when senior leaders display this behavior because they are dividing their staff into two camps, the loyal and disloyal and loyalty is usually defined as "they agree with me."
Interestingly, the New Testament has a great deal to say about relationships - healthy and unhealthy and it is the healthy that define good relational intelligence. Groups with high relational intelligence can differ on major issues but remain connected, loving and committed to one another. That is not true when there is poor relational intelligence which by definition divides, escalates conflict and destroys relationships.
I tend to give those with poor relational intelligence a very wide berth because I don't want to be caught up in their relational chaos.
We need to talk more candidly with our congregations about what God honoring relationships look like and what behaviors are destructive and decidedly not God honoring. We also need to be far more proactive in training ministry staff on issues of relational intelligence. Either we allow a relational culture that defines itself (usually negatively) or we define a God honoring relational culture and help people understand what contributes to health and what contributes to dis- health.
Good relational intelligence:
- Does not get pulled into others issues
- Is self defined and keeps one's own counsel
- Resists triangulation and enmeshment with others
- Stays in relationship when others disagree with them
- Is not threatened by disagreement
- Forgives easily and seeks forgiveness quickly
- Does not divide people into friend and enemy camps
- Gets one's relational clues from Scripture and Jesus
- Thinks of the other's perspective as much as their own
- Tries to put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand their point of view
- Places love and grace for others above their own concerns
- Lives out 1 Corinthians 13
- Treats everyone with dignity
Would it not be great if our congregations and organizations had that kind of relational intelligence? The higher the relational intelligence of our organization the healthier it will be but the opposite is also true.
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