The secret of being a self defined leader who can also stay in relationship

One of the key elements of Emotional Intelligence is the ability to negotiate relationships. It is the inability to negotiate relationships successfully that is at the root of a great deal of unnecessary conflict. One of the critical skills of good EQ is being self-defined. A self-defined individual can tell you what they think even when they know that you will disagree with their position. They don’t insist that you see the world as they do, and they are OK if you don’t.

However, the second part of self-definition is also important. I can disagree with you and still be in a relationship with you. Think about that in terms of the political divisions that are tearing up America and much of the world.

This is what it means to be able to negotiate relationships in a healthy way. Poor EQ will state a position and insist that you agree with it. If you don’t, you are marginalized and demonized. After all, you don’t get it. Good EQ, on the other hand, can negotiate relationships with people who are very different from us. This skill is needed in a diverse world, whether inside or outside the workplace. The ability to disagree, engage in honest, candid dialogue, and still stay connected would prevent a lot of conflict. 

This ability for leaders is crucial to creating cultures of open and candid dialogue. By taking a position that may not be popular (which is how all innovation or improvement usually begins) a leader is encouraging others to do the same. It is then in the clash of these views and perspectives that the best solutions are typically found. The alternative is the common groupthink behavior that stifles and hinders progress. 

To this point, healthy leaders don’t have a problem with apologizing when necessary. Even when they don’t really need to, they do it because it will alleviate stress or controversy. I recall a time when I made what turned out to be a controversial decision (the right decision, but one that was hard for my organization to swallow). Being a blogger, I wrote a blog post for my staff entitled “Just get over it!” My intention was to explain the decision further and then encourage people to move on.

Unfortunately, many took offense at the blog title. I apologized (though I didn’t need to, but I wanted to lower the angst) and wrote a new blog titled “Build a Bridge and get over it.” It was a way to apologize for how my prior communication had come across and give me another chance to move us forward. It worked, but I had to apologize for it to work.

Healthy leaders keep short accounts. One of my practices is to “Walk toward the barking dog.” If I have offended someone or created an issue, rather than walking the other direction, I will engage the individual, seek understanding, and do whatever is necessary to put the issue to rest so we can move on.

These may seem like small things, but they are not. Much of our leadership capital is based on relationships. The ability to negotiate healthy win-win relationships is a key to good leadership and reflects good EQ.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

How Emotional Intelligence training can change your organization

Many organizations have a significant commitment to training and staff development. Often, however, the issue of emotional intelligence training is not on the radar. Yet, the implications of healthy or unhealthy EQ impact everything the organization does and affect every relationship and interaction.

In Daniel Goleman’s words, the cost of emotional intelligence illiteracy is high. It can include unresolved conflicts, lack of cooperation, silos, politics within the organization, turf wars, competition for power, and a range of dysfunctional and toxic behaviors that can hinder our desired outcomes.

Take a moment and consider the financial cost of toxic behaviors: unresolved conflict, turf wars, lack of alignment, lack of cooperation and organizational silos. EQ deficiencies and immature EQ behaviors can be like an aircraft carrier anchor dragging behind a 36-foot sailboat. All deficient EQ behaviors impede, slow down, and cost the organization money. In the case of not-for-profit enterprises, it costs in terms of Return on Mission.

This is a powerful reason to help leaders grow in their EQ as they set the pace for the organization and provide ongoing training to raise the staff's EQ literacy. Here is something to consider. Most behaviors that hold an organization back from being all it can be are EQ in nature. Grow your EQ, and you grow yourself, your organization, and your return on mission.

What would you do as a leader to see the following changes in your business, church, or non-profit?

• Getting everyone on the same page
• Eliminating ego-driven dysfunction for humble leadership
• Moving from competition to cooperation
• Creating an open culture where candid dialogue can take place around any issue
• Building a culture of promises kept and excellent execution of work
• Seeing conflict resolved quickly and cleanly
• Eliminating the politics and turf wars that get in the way of cooperation and a common mission· 
• Creating scalable and clear systems for your processes and workflow
• Eliminating defensiveness and replacing it with a desire for the best solutions possible throughout the organization
• Growing the EQ maturity of all staff all the time
• Seeing toxic behaviors replaced with healthy ones
• Creating a culture that supports all that you do and eliminates all that holds you back
• Rather than settling for what is, create a commitment to what could and should be
• Moving from emotional illiteracy to emotional literacy

·   Each transition or commitment is possible if you commit to continuous EQ training. Each improvement in these areas enhances your ability to generate profits, achieve a better return on mission, retain top talent, and foster innovation and improved solutions.

You can train in all kinds of skills and should. However, without training in emotional intelligence, you cannot address the primary issues hindering your organization: unhealthy EQ and its implications. And all of these are directly related to culture, so you improve your organization’s culture in direct proportion to an improvement in its emotional intelligence.

What it takes is for senior leaders to make this a priority for themselves and then for their entire organization. It can and should be done. 

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

 

Becoming aware of our own Leadership derailers

If you lead others, there is a good chance that you also struggle with leadership derailers. Actually, every leader does. The question is not whether they have potential derailers but whether they know what their derailers might be. 

Derailers are behaviors, words, actions, or responses that prevent us from acting maturely as leaders.  For instance, the CEO who does not like to be challenged and responds defensively when they are, shutting down critical discussions that senior teams need to have, is dealing with derailment behavior. His/her defensive behavior is a derailer. The behavior is immature leadership, which could threaten their ability to lead well.

Leaders who do not accept and even solicit feedback from others exhibit derailing tendencies. Their lack of receptiveness to the input of those they work with prevents them from seeing themselves clearly and the state of the organization they lead. Their inability to listen to others and accept feedback creates a toxic environment because candid dialogue cannot be had, and real issues cannot be addressed.

Ironically, it takes the input of others to help us understand our derailing tendencies, where our leadership is coming from immature emotional intelligence rather than mature. It highlights the importance of leaders being inquisitive about their own emotional intelligence, receptive to feedback from others, and committed to addressing the derailing tendencies that negatively impact their team members. 

Here is something to consider. Most derailers are not about competency but rather about the emotional intelligence of the leader and how their EQ hurts their leadership, the organization, and those they work with.

It is relatively easy to recognize the derailers in other leaders because we have experienced them. It is often harder to see them in ourselves because we are used to our tendencies. This is where we need people around us who we give permission to speak into our lives and leadership. 

Leadership derailers can be simple, such as the tendency to not solicit feedback from others or ask the kinds of questions that would give us insights into what is truly happening in the organization or team we lead. They can also be more complex, such as narcissistic tendencies that elevate our own leadership at the expense of others. In either case, it comes down to an EQ issue where we have a needed growth opportunity. Derailers hurt our leadership, and they hurt those we lead if not recognized and addressed. 

When I led teams and organizations, I would periodically ask my associates if I did anything that really irritated them. Is there anything I am doing that you think others should do? Is there anything you wish you could discuss with someone, but haven't felt free to do so? In this way, I was being proactive in soliciting feedback and permitting them at the same time to speak candidly.

In the Intelligent Leadership coaching of the John Mattone Global organization, we help leaders understand their leadership styles' relative maturity or immaturity to move toward healthier leadership. This is achieved through a combination of healthy discussions, testing, 360-degree feedback, personal development plans, and a coaching process designed to foster the learning of new behaviors.

The challenge for anyone who leads others is to give permission and opportunity for those around us to speak candidly with us about potential derailers in our leadership. It could make the difference between a highly successful leadership tenure and one that comes off the tracks prematurely.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

 

Healthy leaders create a climate of psychological safety in their organization

A climate of psychological safety is where it is safe to be vulnerable, speak up about issues that bother us, challenge a leader or strategy without fear of retribution, and ask for help when needed. Creating such a climate is one of a leader's most important responsibilities—and often one of the most neglected!

My guess is that everyone reading this can remember times in their career when they said or expressed something that a leader did not welcome. Many leaders' defensiveness makes candid conversation around essential issues unsafe. The net result is that staff cannot express themselves with candor, and the organization leaves great potential on the table.

It takes healthy emotional intelligence to permit, welcome, and invite open dialogue about issues that impact the organization. This only happens when there is a culture that embraces this. I call this a culture of robust dialogue, where any issue can be discussed with the exception of a hidden agenda or personal attack.

The senior leader is responsible for creating such a culture, which is then followed by other leaders throughout the organization. If I ask staff in any organization if there are subjects, topics, or areas where they know they cannot speak freely, and they say yes, they are acknowledging that there is not adequate psychological safety in the organization. And that goes to senior leaders and the culture they create. Healthy leaders insist on an open culture where it is safe to speak candidly. It is the only way to a healthy culture. If it is not safe to speak up, the culture is unhealthy!

Here is the thing. Organizations that ask the best questions become the best organizations. No organization gets better without the probing questions of good people who want the best for the organization. Yet, in many instances, the pride of the group or the leader shuts down the questions because they are irritating. Great questions are a means of getting to the truth and better practices.

Good questions should not be seen as threats but as a means of honing strategies, practices, and assumptions that may need reconsidering. This does not mean the current practices are ineffective, but that there may be more effective ways. You get there with questions. Good questions are disruptive to the organization in a significant way. Your culture will either celebrate great questions or shut them down. The result will either be a better organization or one that resists actual progress. Proud organizations and leaders with egos resist good questions and those who challenge the status quo. Humble organizations and humble leaders welcome them because it is not about them but the mission.

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

Five attitudes of a leader that lead to high trust and significant influence with staff

Why is it that some leaders leave staff and colleagues drained and tired after a conversation, while others leave them uplifted and encouraged? In the first case, meetings with your supervisor or colleagues can be a dreaded exercise, whereas in the second case, something one looks forward to. What leaders often overlook is that their approach to interactions with staff and colleagues either builds or diminishes their trust and influence. You may have a title and a position as a leader, but neither of those makes up for a deficit of trust and influence with those you lead.

There are five attitudes and practices of a leader that contribute to high trust and maximum influence with those you work with.

If one desires influence, it starts with a posture of humility. This means that I don't have to be the smartest person in the room. I don't have to have the answers to every problem, and I don't have to have my way in every situation. Here is the truth: If you are the smartest person in the room, you hired very poorly. If you have the answers to every problem, you are deluded, and if you need to have your way, you will be limited by your own abilities. 

Humility is the attitude that there is a great deal I don't know, that I don't have the answers, but can find good answers with others who have greater expertise than I do. Humility leads to the second practice, which is dialogue with others, along with asking good questions rather than making pronouncements and handing down decisions. 

Dialogue and questions bring others into a productive conversation around issues that need to be resolved. Pronouncements about what should be done often shut down conversation. It is the crucial difference between arrogance and humility. Leaders frequently fail to realize how little they actually know compared to those who work closely with the issues at hand. Engaging others to share their perspectives opens up solutions that will not be found otherwise. 

Both of these attitudes are augmented if the leader approaches staff and colleagues with a non-critical spirit. Critical spirits and words shut down good conversation and are indicators of a lack of humility. If I am critical by nature, it means that I have decided my evaluation is the best. That is arrogance. If I approach issues openly and non-critically, it sends a message that together we can find a good solution. It does not elevate my perspectives over those of others (arrogance), but instead levels the playing field to find the best solutions. 

Add to these three a gracious spirit that truly appreciates the efforts of those around you or below you and assumes the best rather than the worst when it comes to motives and effort.  Graciousness is the opposite of a critical spirit. A gracious attitude invites conversation while a critical spirit shuts it down. Even when I don't understand the actions or decisions of others, they can be addressed with a gracious and non-critical spirit, and I may well learn something that contributed to decisions others made that I am unaware of. 

All of these are the building blocks of trust with both colleagues and staff who report to us. Remember that arrogance, critical spirits, pronouncements rather than dialogue, and a lack of graciousness rob you of trust and influence. They take tokens out of your leadership bank account while consistently displaying the practices and attitudes above add to your leadership bank account. The key here is consistency. Your staff and colleagues need to know that they will get the same from you in any conversation, and if you display these attitudes, they will learn to relax in your presence. They will see you as an ally rather than a threat. And you will have their trust, which leads to greater leadership influence. 

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

Leaders: Your IQ is far less important than your EQ

The telephone call I received from a leader I worked with was nothing short of crazy. He was massively triggered, and I listened to a tirade of thirty-five minutes where I could not get a word in edgewise. He just went on and on. He had been triggered, and rather than asking me any questions to clarify, had made some crazy assumptions and made equally crazy assertions and accusations. And his response was totally out of proportion to what had actually occurred. He was having an amygdala hijack, and it was not the first time...or the last. 

I chose not to go into work the next day, which made him all the angrier as I had "ghosted him." Everything was my fault; he was sure of his "facts" and "conclusions." Actually, he didn't have a clue! My infraction? I had told him what was going on in the business. Not my opinion, actual facts. He didn't like them and took his angst, frustration, and insecurity out on me. Unfortunately, episodes like this are all too common among leaders. 

Have you ever worked for a leader who struggled to regulate their emotions, leaving damaged relationships in their wake? Or have you struggled with your emotions when things were not going how you wanted them to? This is a common issue for leaders, even smart ones, because your emotional intelligence is more important than your IQ. High IQ does not make up for low EQ. 

The term Emotional Intelligence and its components was pioneered by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., who authored the bestseller Emotional Intelligence and co-authored Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence.

Goleman suggested that an individual's emotional intelligence (EQ) mattered more than their intelligence (IQ) because an individual with good EQ was better equipped to understand themselves and how they are perceived by those around them, and has the social skills to negotiate healthy relationships.

He suggested that there were five components to emotional intelligence:

Self-awareness - the ability to recognize and understand your moods and emotions and how they impact others.

Self-regulation - the ability to control your emotions, impulses, and moods and think before acting. If self-awareness is the ability to understand one's emotions, self-regulation is the ability to control those emotions in how one behaves.

Internal (or intrinsic) motivation - having an inner drive to pursue goals for personal reasons rather than because of some external motivation or reward. Our motivation has to do with deep inner core values that inform our actions. 

Empathy - the ability to understand the motivations of others, the reasons for those motivations, and to put oneself in their shoes. If self-awareness is about understanding ourselves, empathy is about living with an understanding of others. 

Social skills - the ability to manage relationships, connect and collaborate with others, manage conflict, build healthy networks, and forge healthy relationships.

Think about this: When leaders get into trouble, it almost always involves the flip side of these components of emotional intelligence. Leaders who are not self-aware have little understanding of how their words and actions impact those around them, often creating significant pain. My guess is that we have all experienced those instances ourselves.

Leaders who do not have self-regulation and cannot control their emotions say and do hurtful things to those around them. I ended up resigning from the leader I described above, who could not control his emotions and therefore his words and actions.

 “An amygdala hijack is a situation where the amygdala, a small, almond-shaped structure in the brain responsible for processing emotions like fear and anger, takes control, leading to an immediate and overwhelming emotional response.” (Study.com).

This is the leader who cannot control their anger and whose response is far greater than the situation merits. In that flood of emotions and fear or anger, things are said that are damaging, people are hurt unnecessarily, and the recipient is left wondering what happened and that they were the subject of a tirade of angry words and accusations. Countless people have encountered this from supervisors. Even when there is an apology after (a good thing), it does not repair the damage done in the heat of emotion, where a leader cannot manage and regulate their emotions. (see Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, 10^th anniversary edition, Chapter 5, Passion’s Slaves).

When leaders lack empathy, they are unable to understand the perspectives and concerns of others. So, for instance, the sales executive who overpromises services to clients to look good and gain the sale at the expense of the staff who must fulfill those promises—leaving them unable to do so and the bad guys for not doing so and then blaming the staff for the resulting fallout—has an empathy deficit that impacts those around them.

One sure sign of a lack of empathy is leaders who rarely, if ever, ask questions of staff but simply make statements and demands. Empathy means that I care about how my decisions and actions impact those I work with, which naturally requires dialogue and an inquiring mind to understand the perspectives, needs, and wisdom of others. Leaders with empathy ask good questions, listen carefully, and seek to find solutions that work for all. Leaders who are defensive, don’t listen to staff, or take their concerns into account have an empathy deficit that hurts the culture of many organizations.

These are leaders who cannot manage their egos or emotions. Empathy is about others and understanding their concerns. Ego and empathy are incompatible, while humility and empathy are friends. If you struggle with these issues, get help so your leadership is not toxic but healthy. Unhealthy leaders hurt those around them while healthy leaders lift up those around them. A sign of dishealth is uncontrolled anger, which results in hurtful words and actions. 

As you reflect on the five elements of Emotional Intelligence above, which are you strong in, and which do you need to focus on?

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.

The ONE leadership trait that says everything about your leadership maturity

There is one leadership trait that stands head and shoulders above all others when it comes to one's leadership maturity. And it is, unfortunately, way too rare. You may think you have it, but the test is whether those you lead believe you have it. They know. Leaders often do not know.

Here it is: I call it a commitment to Robust Dialogue in which any issue can be discussed, with the exception of a personal attack or hidden agenda. 

Let me illustrate. Staff instinctively know where they can or cannot go with their leader. I remember a situation where the organization I was a part of was short of funds, and the senior leader was using crazy amounts of money for his pet projects, which were not mission-critical. Few were willing to call this issue out on the senior team and ask the relevant questions out of fear that the senior leader would take offense (and he would have). 

The senior leader was out of the country during one of the Leadership Team meetings, and the subject came up with a candid dialogue about this issue. I asked the team, "Are you willing to have this same conversation with the senior leader in the room?" The team members just looked at me, and no mention was made upon his return. They knew they could not go there with the senior leader. 

What dynamics did this reveal about the senior leader?

One is that the team had a culture of fear. They feared speaking up on issues they knew the senior leader was unwilling to discuss.

Two: This was the case because the senior leader was operating from a place of deep personal insecurity and was unwilling to allow open and candid dialogue about this and many other issues. 

Three: This resulted in many important issues not being discussed, ultimately resulting in a net loss to the organization regarding effectiveness, transparency, and the ability to dialogue openly. This was all due to the leader's poor emotional intelligence. 

The maturity of a leader can be directly determined by their willingness to have candid and robust dialogue on any issue relevant to the success of the team or the organization. The best leaders both allow and encourage open and candid discussion around important topics because they know that it is in the context of open dialogue that the best solutions are found. They do not fear being challenged but, in fact, welcome it. 

Do you encourage open and candid dialogue as a leader? Do you foster an honest exchange of ideas, and are you willing to be challenged by your team members? If the answer is no, what are the insecurities holding you back? Why are you afraid? Are you fearful of not getting your way or having all the answers? Whatever the fear, it is about your insecurities and impacts your leadership. 

For many years, I have lived by the philosophy of nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to hide. When we have something to prove, it is usually that we are correct (and therefore in competition with those around us). It is about ego! When we have something to lose, it is generally our pride (admitting we don't have all the answers and need others). We don't like to look weak. And when we have something to hide, it is generally our insecurities, which ironically are well-known by those around us even though we try to hide them. 

The alternative is a life of radical transparency unencumbered by a need to prove ourselves. We choose humility over ego and do not worry about hiding our insecurities or weaknesses, which others know. That leaves us free to treat people with dignity, honor, and respect, listen well, collaborate rather than compete, and pursue a common mission collegially. Free of the need to manage our image, we are able to serve those around us rather than serve ourselves. 

If you want to know how well you are doing, simply ask your team how open they perceive you to be and whether there are issues they want to address but don't feel they can. It may take some time, but keep asking for the last ten percent. Then, listen, don't react, and foster a culture of Robust Dialogue. 

TJ Addington is an executive and leadership coach, an organizational consultant, and a culture specialist. I am a certified master coach with Intelligent Leadership (John Mattone Global). You can contact me at tjaddington@gmail.com. My passion is to help organizations and individuals maximize their gifts and potential.