How the Gospel ended my same sex relationship - From Borrowed Light

How the Gospel changed my same sex relationship



Posted from Grand Rapids, MI

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Is your ministry perfectly designed for who is there rather than for who is not yet there?

Organizations develop cultures that too often focus on who is already in the organization rather than who is not yet in. Think of that in a church situation where we often resist change or innovation because "what we do has worked well for us." That is a true statement, perhaps in that, it has worked well for those who are already in the church. But, it does not take into account those who are not in the church and are not likely to get there without addressing their needs.

Many denominations, for instance, are not seeing growth today, even Evangelical groups. Is it possible that their ethos and policies are keeping young, entrepreneurial leaders from joining them because they are looking for more flexibility? Those in the denomination could argue that their culture works without realizing that it works for those who are in but not for those who could be in.

The mission I lead used to devalue leadership as a value that had the unintended consequence of keeping many leaders from applying and joining. Those inside thought things worked well, but it did not work well for many who chose not to join. 

One of the important jobs of a leader is to understand that they may well have barriers to others joining them and then deal with those barriers. One way to find this out is to ask those outside the organization or church why they might not join. I am not suggesting violating key values but that the culture or strategies that worked in one day may not work in another. As insiders, we may not see that our ministry is perfectly designed for those who are already there and not for those who are not there.

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Four problematic leadership lessons from the life of Richard Nixon

I just finished reading a fascinating new biography of one of the most complex leaders of our century - Richard Nixon. (Being Nixon: A man divided). Not only was he a "man divided" between who he wanted to be and who he was, but he could never bring his divided self into alignment, and that was his ultimate downfall. It reminded me of many leaders who have imploded for the very same reasons. 

There are some lessons to be learned from the Nixon story for any in leadership.

First, he was essentially a man without true close friendships, and that left him without people who were willing to tell him the truth. It is a fatal flaw. Three weeks before he resigned, George Bush, the senior, wrote a perceptive letter to his four sons in which he said this about Nixon. "He has enormous hang-ups. He is unable to get close to people. It's almost as if he's afraid to be reamed in some way - people who respect him and want to be his friends get only so close - and then it is clear - no more (p. 520)." The first time Nixon shook Haldeman's hand was the day Haldeman resigned! In addition, if you listen to the Nixon tapes, it is clear that those around him, with very few exceptions, did not tell him the truth but what he wanted to hear. 

Leaders who don't forge close friendships with others eventually get themselves into trouble. Nixon's presidency was called the "imperial presidency." Leaders can become "imperial leaders" when they shut out other people.

Second, Nixon "resisted self-analysis." He told Frank Gannon that "I've never believed that any individual can analyze themselves (p. 529). In some senses, this is a true statement which is why deep and meaningful friendships are so important. But at the same time, this lack of self-analysis kept him from learning the hard lessons that suffering and setbacks can bring. Rather than learn from them, he plunged headlong into even greater leadership stupidity, lies, and scheming. "Nixon's tragedy was that he did not gain wisdom, at least about himself, from suffering - certainly, not until it was too late to save his presidency (p. 530)."  

Third, Nixon, when he was in a reflective mood, and especially when facing adversity, would know who he wanted to be but was unable to translate that view of himself into reality. At the end of his first year in office, he wrote one of a series of lists about who he wanted to be: "Excitement - joy in the job - sharing, lift the spirit of people, Pithy, Brevity, Statesmanship, Honesty, Candor, Consideration for subordinates, Concern for people, Vitality and so on (p. 245)." Yet these were the opposite of who he usually was, as evidenced by the Nixon Tapes, and he was not able to integrate his desired self into his real self. 

This is why leaders get into trouble. They focus so much on their leadership and too little on their personal lives, which directly impacts their leadership. The very things that brought this brilliant leader down were issues that emanated from his inner life, where he was unable to tame the demons that haunted him.

Fourth, Nixon was deeply insecure, and that insecurity drove him to resist close friendships, hear or deliver bad news, and caused him to divide people into those who were on his side and those who were not. With Nixon and other leaders I have met, people were either friends or enemies.

Insecurity is one of the most vicious enemies of good leadership. It is why I have chosen to live by the value that I have nothing to prove and nothing to lose, and nothing to hide. When we are putting our energy into proving our worth, proving we are right, and guarding our pride, we say and do things that are destructive. Ultimately insecurity is about our own pride and lack of humility.

What struck me about this book is that any of us are vulnerable to these four leadership issues. It is also why I believe that the inner life of a leader is of so much importance. It is our inner lives that make or break our leadership. Whatever is inside is what flows into our leadership decisions, attitudes, thinking, and values. 

I do not take anything away from what Nixon accomplished, but ultimately his accomplishments are overshadowed by his untamed demons.

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Women and girls endure unspeakable horrors during war according to Human Rights Watch

JULY 10, 2015

Women and Girls Endure Unspeakable Horrors During War and the UN isn't Doing Enough About it

Are you bored?

Boredom happens when we have accomplished what we set out to accomplish, and there is, therefore, either margin in our lives or a sense that we have done what God had for us. In other words, it is an indicator that we need to be looking for what God has for us in the "next season." Sometimes we find ourselves bored and unfulfilled without even realizing it until someone around us points it out.

That does not necessarily mean a different job. But it probably means a different focus. We either respond to symptoms of boredom by settling for what is, or we actively ask the question, what does God have next?

I spoke with a leader yesterday who has been through a period of years that were hard but necessary. But he knows that the season is over and it is time to move forward, and the question was, "What is the God-sized task that I can give myself to in the next five years?" His job is not changing, but his focus is.

Whenever we refocus, we want to keep in mind what it is that energizes us and gives us the most joy - the lane God made us for. That is where we will be the most productive and receive the greatest satisfaction. The closer we get to that place, the more effective we will be. There are certain seasons when we need to pay attention to things outside our areas of strength, but when we refocus, it should always be in line with who God made us to be.

If you were to refocus your attention and to do so around your areas of greatest gifting, here are two questions to consider. One, what is the God-sized "ask" and "task" for the next season? Two, how do I rearrange life so that I can go after it? Those who ask these questions find themselves with greater satisfaction and greater effectiveness.

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When not to write new organizational policies

In my experience, organizations often have too many policies and policies that reflect a general distrust of staff. It is always interesting to read the policies of organizations that I am helping because they usually give me insight into the problems that they have had in the past (solved, of course, by a new policy) and the general level of trust and empowerment in the organization, often low.

Here is something to remember. Policies reflect an organization's culture but do not create culture. People create culture, and policies reflect whatever culture is created. While policies are obligatory for any organization, how and why they are written sends a message to staff.

Here are some reasons not to write new policies.

One: Someone has done something dumb (It happens)! The answer is not to write a new policy but to deal with the individual who has crossed a line. It is unfair to other staff to establish policies based on one individual's bad choices. No policy can keep people from doing dumb things. Deal with the individual rather than write a new policy.

Two: You want to deal with an issue of organizational culture. The culture of organizations is a matter of leadership rather than of policy. I can create a culture that avoids gossip, but I cannot write a policy to do the same. Some issues are issues of leadership and modeling rather than of policy.

Three: You feel a need to control what people do and do not do. If we have a need to control people, we are either poor leaders or have hired poor staff. Mostly it is the former rather than the latter. The longer a policy manual, the more there is usually a desire to control rather than empower. 

In our organization, there are periodic issues that remind us that we need to clarify issues with our far-flung staff. What we rarely do is write a new policy. Rather, we create a dialogue on the issues so that they filter through the organization. For us, it is about creating a healthy culture with healthy leaders, staff, and teams. Only when necessary do we write a new policy.

Always remember that policies reflect culture. They do not, in themselves, create culture. It might be instructive for all of us who lead to have an outsider read our policies and give us feedback as to what they see. In one church I consulted with, I suggested that their policies reflected a great distrust of support staff. Reading them through that lens, they agreed with me. They had used policies to do all three of the above-named issues rather than simply spell out their non-negotiables and commitments. 

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An interesting view of the challenge of mega churches

Tullian's tragedy: How the megachurch business model is failing everyone, including pastors

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

What real values underlie your ministry and can you name them?

All ministries operate out of a sense of values, either stated or non-stated. The best ministries have a clear set of values that everyone knows and lives by. Most ministries have a written set of values that no one knows and few live by. Which describes your ministry?

I often interact with church staff and leaders and ask them this question: "What values underlie your ministry?" In most cases I am told that there are a set of values somewhere but they would need to look them up. That is an "Ah Ha" moment for me as it indicates that whatever values are written down, they do not impact the ministry in the least.

Values matter - a great deal. When there is not a set of values all are committed to, everyone lives by their own set of values. In other words, there are competing and disparate sets of values rather than a set of values that unites. One of the most critical jobs of a leader is to establish values that undergird everything the ministry does. Often leaders do not do the hard work of clarifying values which leads to competing values. 

Competing values lead to competing agendas which leads to conflict and misunderstanding. Do you have a set of values that all in your organization subscribe to? If not you have competing values and it will lead to chaos over alignment.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

No ministry stands alone

Ministries love to start new initiatives. Unfortunately many of these initiatives do not contribute to the mission of the organization whether church or other non-profit. This is also true in mission organizations where it seems that any idea is a good idea as long as there is someone to champion it. I disagree! When we say that no ministry stands alone it means that all strategies must contribute to the whole and anything that does not contribute to the whole does not belong! 

In fact, when ministries stand alone, apart from the overall mission of the ministry, it is wasted energy (even if it does some good) because it does not contribute to the whole. This is why, for instance, in our organization, anything that does not contribute to our overall mission of multiplying transformational churches among all people is not a viable ministry - for us. It is not that it might not be valuable for others but it is not our mission and does not contribute to what God has called us to do. We are exceedingly wholistic as a mission agency but everything must be connected to our overall goal.

This is where an emphasis on programs gets in the way of the mission. It is easy to start programs but often those programs do not contribute to what we believe we have been called to do. This is why both mission agencies and churches end up with siloed programs and ministries which do not contribute to the overall mission of the organization - if they have one.

In my view, no ministry should stand alone - apart from the mission of the organization and if those who promote it cannot show how it contributes in a meaningful way to the whole it should not happen. Especially if one desires to build a cohesive, aligned ministry where all the arrows point in the same direction. In our organization (ReachGlobal) it does not happen. Yours?

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

High accountability and low control are keys to ministry success

It is interesting to me that we often get a key value wrong in ministry. In most organizations, there is an ethos of high control and low accountability when in reality, the opposite should be true. People don't like to be controlled! At the same time, they should be accountable, but we often don't hold one another to that, especially in ministry situations. High accountability and low control are keys to ministry success!

High accountability speaks to the value that the quality of our work matters. In ministry circles, there is often the thought that all that matters is that I am faithful. I disagree! We also need to be thoughtful, strategic and focused and have a plan that makes sense. That is where high accountability comes in. We often forget that we are engaged in matters that impact people for eternity and that matters a lot.

But, the second half of this value is that we need to release people to do what they need to do in a healthy way, meaning that we are not going to control them. How I do things is how I do them. How you do things is consistent with how God wired you. We are not the same, and you may well have a better way of accomplishing your tasks than I would. Thus we need to exercise low control and allow people to do what they need to do in a way that works for them. Obviously, this means that they are keeping the values of the organization in mind as well.

As you think about how you supervise, ask yourself whether you exercise low control coupled with high accountability. It makes a great difference, and we often get the two turned around.

At Addington Consulting,

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You can't control the human heart of another person

How many of us have a plan for the life of someone else? It can be a child, a grandchild, a staff member or a friend. And for that matter, how many people have a plan for our lives? And, there are those who would like to fix others - to help them solve their problems or perceived problems. That fact is that we cannot control the human heart of another person. We can influence them (see my book Deep Influence), but we cannot control them. And when we do we actually try to take the role of the Holy Spirit.

In the role of leader of a mission organization I spend a great deal of time helping others determine their role in the organization as well as potential staff members who are moving our way. It is a delicate role. What I can do is indicate that there is a potential fit but what I cannot do is determine for them whether they either want that fit or feel called to it. Only they and the Holy Spirit can determine that. And the Holy Spirit has a wonderful way of revealing to us where we should be if we listen.

This is also why I hold all staff with an open hand. There are many times when staff resign that I wish it were not so but who am I to question the direction of the Holy Spirit in their lives? What I don't like is when people leave because they don't feel they have a large enough platter because we can generally solve that if we had know about it. But God's call and fit are His issue, not mine. The day will come when God will call me from this job to something else and again, that is His role, not mine.

We need to be careful in our mentoring and coaching of others, informally or formally, not to take responsibility for what is God's role in their lives. We can give feedback, provide counsel and encourage but ultimately we must always give others the ability to decide what is best for them - between them and God. Not to do so is to potentially put them in a place that is not where they belong. Some people will respond to the pressure of others rather than from the guidance of the Holy Spirit. 

God has a plan for my life, and yours. I have insights into that plan for others but cannot play the role of determining that plan.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Six issues to avoid for those in professional ministry

Professional ministry can be a place of great joy and great frustration. It is the frustrating part that can often cause us angst. My own observation is that there are six issues that those in professional ministry need to guard against.

Cynicism: Let's face it, lots of people are not going to get with the program. I remember people who attended the church I pastored who came once in a while but it seemed that God never touched their lives. At least it didn't seem that way to me. It is easy to become cynical but those folks have always been out there. As have the hard times in ministry when the arrows come from the pew and not from the pagans. There are times when we just need to fight cynicism off because it is not what God wants for us and it won't allow us to minister well. Jesus is our judge and He wants us to be faithful.

Anger: It is a close second to cynicism. It is easy to become angry: power politics in the church, how long it takes to get something done, feeling under appreciated, and any number of things. Anger is often about us instead of other people. Things didn't move on my timetable or in my way. It pops up in unexpected places but when it does, it is time to take stock of myself rather than of others. 

Self-focus: The two issues above are really about allowing ourselves to focus on ourselves rather than on those we are called to minister to. No one said ministry was easy, in fact no one should go into ministry who has something better to do. It is hard, and it becomes harder when our focus is on ourselves. There is plenty to complain about but only when our focus is in the wrong place. Read Paul's list of issues he faced. Yet he did not focus on himself but the mission God gave him. It changed the picture for him.

Professional Spirituality: This is about allowing our work for God to take precedence over our relationship with God. It is easy to do and most of us in ministry have done it. But it is a trap because Jesus wants us, not just our work for him. There is no substitute for our own personal time with Jesus and for our own followership. Just because we may know more than others (and it is often not true) it does not translate into a deeper relationship with Him unless we are deeply intentional about it.

Misidentity: This follows from the last. It is allowing our identity to be formed by our work rather than our relationship with the living God. It is also why many Christian professionals are quick to take offence when people disagree with them. They have not separated their identity in Jesus with the work that they do. 

Arrogance: It can come from knowing too much, having the wrong identity and a professional spirituality. No one in ministry should be arrogant but a lot seem to be. The way to guard against arrogance is to be focused on others and to guard our own hearts against its insidious grip. Other focus, accountability with people who know us and will tell us the truth and an identity in Jesus are all keys to remaining humble.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

One nation under God. Can we claim to be a Christian nation today?

The Supreme Court decision this past week only clarifies the unfortunate fact that we cannot any longer be called a Christian nation. It is the logical outcome of many seismic shifts that we have seen in our nation since at least the 1960's which brought with it the abandonment of authority and at least a modicum of a Christian world view.

Do you remember John Lennon's song Imagine? A beautiful ballad but have you listened carefully to what he said?

Imagine there's no heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one

What John Lennon imagined has largely come true. We are living for ourselves and have cast off Biblical truth. The results perhaps were not, however what he might have imagined imagined.

The Supreme Court decision in 1973 in Roe V. Wade led to the diminished view of what it means to be people made in God's image leaving 55,772,015 image bearers to die in the womb. Now with the redefinition of marriage - the first Creation Ordinance God gave mankind - the logical outcome of the journey our nation has been on away from God has taken its next step.

This is not simply a reflection of a Supreme Court that has redefined liberties and in this case the fundamental backbone of any healthy society - the family. Rather we must admit that it is reflection of a society moving away from God and of Christians who have often not upheld the truth of the Gospel. 

Indeed, the mainline denominations have been losing people for a long time because the Gospel is no longer preached or believed, except in a very general "feel good" sense. It is also true that materialism has hijacked the Christian commitment of many who call themselves believers, the concept of any absolute truth is not understood even by many who call themselves "evangelicals" and the legalism of many churches on the other side has led to its own bondage rather than the freedom of the Gospel.

It is easy for believers to point fingers at whoever is in the White House, Congress or Supreme court. But perhaps the real issue is that we the church have not been living out the Gospel in our own lives and bringing those same commitments of truth and grace into our neighborhoods, workplaces and circles of influence. In essence we have not produced disciples of Jesus who follow Him relentlessly and the lack of disciplemaking may even point to a lack of disciples in church leadership in many cases. 

Basic theology is neither widely understood or believed in many "Christian" circles. Just get into a discussion on whether Jesus is the only way to God and salvation and more often than not one will hear that He is one way but not the only way. Individual "believers" have found it easy to ignore those things in Scripture that are not convenient. The inerrancy of the Scripture as the ground of truth has seriously eroded leaving many in the churches that call themselves evangelical to choose which truth is applicable to their own lives and which they can ignore. 

Many of those who are the most vocal critics of the changes taking place in our society ignore the fact that it may be those of us who call ourselves believers who share much of the responsibility. It is easy to point at the sin of others and far less comfortable to evaluate ourselves. When we as the church are not truly salt and light, do not stand for truth (with the graciousness of Jesus) and do not live that truth ourselves, we share in the responsibility for where our society moves. Culture wars have been fought for decades with often vociferous voices that do not reflect the grace of Jesus while we have ignored the inconsistency in our own lives. Perhaps we should have fought fewer culture wars and instead focused on living like Jesus and being Jesus to others.

My conclusion is that we are not a Christian nation and have not been so for a long time. In fact, while we were founded on Christian principles, no nation is a Christian nation. 

But for me that is not a cause of depression. Daniel thrived in Babylon along with his believing compatriots. Esther thrived in a pagan court. Abraham thrived among those countries around him who were totally pagan. The heroes of Hebrews 11 thrived even under difficult and even fatal conditions. Those who follow Jesus relentlessly make an impact on those around them as they live out the Gospel in all of its implications. I often say "It matters more who is in my house (Jesus) than who is in the White House. The challenge for Christ followers is actually to follow Him with all our heart, soul and mind and to love our neighbor as our-self (The Great Commandment). That makes the difference no matter where the society around us is headed.

I want to be a fully devoted Christ follower in what I perceive to be a nation moving further from God. As that happens the difference between those who relentlessly follow Him and the rest of society will become more evident. We will stand out and do stand out when we ask the question Francis Schaeffer did in How Shall we Then Live?

Want to be encouraged? Listen to Larry Osborn's message Thriving in Babylon and then get his book by the same name. It is where we are so lets figure out how to look and live like Jesus in a Godless culture. And thrive as His people.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Without this quality you cannot lead well

There is a quality that every leader who is going to lead over the long haul must have. That quality is resilience. Websters defines resilience this way: "The ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens." I would define leadership resilience as the ability to deal with hard situations and difficult people without becoming overly emotional, angry, or cynical. It is also the ability to live with a soft heart but very thick skin and not to be discouraged by the inevitable challenges and personal attacks that leadership brings.

Leaders who lack resilience:

• Become easily discouraged
• Feel threatened and deflated when attacked
• Become emotional when things don't go their way
• Can become subject to depression and moodiness
• Are often fearful
• Can easily overact to situations that seem out of their control
• Crack under pressure

I am an avid reader of biographies and would suggest that individuals like Winston Churchill, FDR, Ronald Reagan, or Margaret Thatcher were individuals who personified resilience. Each of these was able to overcome regular difficulties, keep their cool, and continue to lead. In the New Testament, Paul certainly has this trait.

The test of leadership is not what happens when all is well but when all is hell. That is when the mettle of our souls and resolve is tested and where our resilience or lack of it becomes critical. When I hear leaders complain and feel sorry for themselves and express significant emotions, anger, and frustration, I often wonder if they have the resilience to lead well. 

Resilient ministry leaders usually have the following characteristics:

• They have thick skin and have learned how to weather personal attacks
• They take the long view and know that the irritations of the moment will pass
• Their self-worth is not wrapped up in their leadership role, and realize that leaders are often targets
• Their focus is on the mission of the organization rather than on themselves 
• They have learned to see the tough times as leadership challenges 
• They are generally optimists and communicate hope to their teammates
• They have a good team around them
• They have a high view of God's sovereignty and therefore are able to trust Him
• They have learned that anxiety is wasted energy and manage it well

Resilience can be learned and should grow over time as we recognize that the crises of the moment do pass, life does go on, the world does not fall apart, and the worst possible case does not usually come to be. It has much to do with our perspective on God, life, and ourselves. The more we focus on ourselves, the less resilient we will be. The more we focus on the mission and on God, the more resilience we will have.

At Addington Consulting,

We Simplify Complexity

Speak Candidly

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The critical role that deep friendships play in the lives of healthy leaders

One of the key indicators of a leader's success is the depth of the friendships they have.  While not always true, one of the observations I have made in dealing with healthy leaders is that they have a set of deep friendships. On the other hand, many leaders who burnout or flameout do not have those deep friendships. 

I think there is a correlation here and it centers around a leader's willingness to be transparent and truly authentic with other trusted individuals. Those who resist authenticity often resist deep friendships because those relationships are based on authenticity and a willingness to reveal the true us. This is why putting leaders (any leader) on a pedestal is dangerous. Pedestals keep others at a distance and allow a leader to live without true authenticity. 

It is in the context of deep friendships that we allow others to see all of us because we also know that they love us and our shadow side (we all have one) will not deter their love. In fact, the more authentic we are with others, the more respect we gain. Those friendships are also critical in our own spiritual journey because it allows others to speak into our lives on issues that we might otherwise ignore. And all of us have issues we want to ignore.

The authenticity of deep relationships invites counsel, insight, a shared spiritual journey and ultimately the accountability that comes from having friends who love us and will tell us the truth. Those who are afraid of this tend to keep others at a distance while those who value this intentionally develop deep friendships. 

Deep friendships are an anchor in our lives to honesty, growth, the accountability that comes from relationship and the truth about ourselves. Healthy leaders know that they vulnerable due to their leadership position and the fact that their staff will not always tell them the truth. In addition, success can go to our head and it often does. Key friendships are anchors to reality that every leader needs.

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Can you disagree with me as your leader?

As a leader of others I always want to know that those who join my senior team or cabinet are able and willing to disagree with me. Too many leaders define loyalty as agreeing with their position and therefore surround themselves with "yes" people. In my mind this is not loyalty - but disloyalty to the good of the organization. Thus I will not put someone on my senior team who does not have the courage and willingness to disagree with me as their senior leader.

It surprises many people to find out that I do not make unilateral decisions for ReachGlobal. Rather, we say we are team led and team driven and all issues that impact staff go through the ReachGlobal cabinet or the Directional team. People ask, "Do you always get your way?" I say "no." They ask, "Do you care?" I say "no." Then they ask "Why." My answer is that I believe the very best decisions are made when you have the right people in the room and are able to think through the decisions together. It is in the multiplicity of gifts that the best decisions are made.

I find that many senior leaders are threatened when people disagree with them and I find that sad. It is a reflection of their own insecurities and need to prove something rather than truly wanting the very best for the organization. One of our values is that we engage in Robust Dialogue, where "Any issue can be put on the table for discussion with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas." It makes for a culture of freedom where together we can work toward what is best for the organization.

This is all done in a collegial atmosphere where are differences are not personal and do not become personal. Rather we have learned how to stay in relationship while differing in our perspectives, to have candid dialogue and then to support the decision with one voice once it is made. The fact that I submit to this process as a leader also means that when I do feel strongly on an issue, it is taken seriously by the team. Leaders actually gain influence when they bring others into the decision making process. I know that when the decision is made that all support it and key people have had the chance to speak into it.

So the actual question is: Can you disagree with me as your leader and stay in relationship with me?

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Eight reasons why boards do not address known issues caused by a senior pastor

A recurring theme in my consulting with troubled churches is that there were issues known to leaders who chose not to address them until there came a point of crisis, often after a pastor left and after many congregants had left as well. 

The question is - why were those issues not addressed so that a crisis could have be averted and the congregation not wounded as it was - in this blog by the senior leader. After all the cost of unaddressed and known issues that brings conflict to a congregation is high and it can take years to recover. As I have reflected on this question I would suggest that the following reasons are often in play.

One: Often the pastor is relatively new to the church and the prevailing thinking is that we need to give him a chance. While there is truth to this it is never an excuse to allow the congregation to be hurt by poor decisions, lack of process or change that is too fast for the body to deal with. Ironically, the leadership knows the congregation better than a new pastor and therefore has a higher responsibility to ensure that the congregation is protected and unity is guarded.

Two: A new pastor is bringing many new people so the reasoning is that even if there is great unhappiness among many, the new folks are proof that we should let the issues go. What that means is that we effectively give a leader a pass for behavior or decisions that hurt the body simply because new people are coming. That is faulty reasoning at its best. It is like a corporate board overlooking fraud because the CEO is bringing in new business. Really? Behavioral and leadership issues should never be given a pass simply because a church is growing.

Three: The senior leader is a strong leader whose personality is hard to go nose to nose with so leaders don't take the risk to confront issues. This is true of some very charismatic leaders who make it very hard for anyone to disagree with them and they win the day by the force of their personality effectively blunting any efforts for someone to say "wait a minute, we have an issue here." It is very easy to be manipulated by strong personalities and those with them know it very well and use it to their advantage.

Four: Group think is hard to overcome. While it only takes one independent thinker on a board to raise uncomfortable issues, often it takes a long time for anyone to have the courage to speak out clearly when the board is pseudo "united" by saying "we have to be together" and group think prevails. Sure the board must speak publicly with one voice but the conversations within the board room ought to be robust, candid, honest and disagreements must be aired with candor. 

Five: Boards have too few executive sessions where concerns can be discussed without the presence of the senior leader. While people may be willing to speak up in the absence of a senior leader, many will not do so when the leader is in the room, especially when they can use the force of their personality to win the day. Every healthy board has regular executive sessions where they can speak freely.  

Six: Many boards are driven by fear of what might happen if known issues were addressed. That fear keeps people from speaking up, from listening to others and from insisting that issues be addressed and not ignored. What boards ought to be most afraid of is not dealing with the elephants in the room on their watch because they will be held responsible if things come apart for not dealing with them. 

Seven: It is simply easier to ignore issues than to deal with them. I remember sharing candidly with a board when things had come apart in their (large) church with the pastor resigning. They hung their heads (literally) and acknowledged that they knew there were serious issues but chose to ignore them because it was easier to pretend all was well than to deal with them. They ended up being asked to leave the board and new members appointed. 

Eight: Even though board members have suspicions and questions they often choose to trust the word of their senior leader but not verify the facts. Not everything a board is told is always true. In one case there had been a series of people leaving the church staff but the board never interviewed any of those folks even though they suspected there was a pattern of abuse (and there was). In other cases, board members have been told by staff that they work in a culture of fear but no one has bothered to ask candid questions of staff but simply took the word of the leader(s) who fostered that culture of fear - that everything is OK. There is nothing logical or helpful about that behavior but it happens all too often. Trust but verify.

When there is a crisis in the church caused by a senior leader but ignored by a board I place the greatest responsibility on the board for not acting when they should have acted. It is the responsibility of the leadership to protect the congregation. Ultimately they answer for the health of the church. Don't allow one of the eight reasons above to keep your board from addressing known issues if they are there. Leadership is a high trust. If there are things that Jesus would not be happy about we ought not to be happy about either. 

And in case we think it doesn't matter - think "Mars Hill."

Posted from Oakdale, MN

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Reflections on Father's Day

This morning I have been reflecting on how our fathers mold us for better or for worse. In my case for the better. None of us are perfect fathers or had perfect fathers but we were all molded by our fathers. Here are some of the lessons that my father left me.

It is all about Jesus. My dad knew that life was about God, not him. I remember his 4:00 am devotions and prayer before starting a long day at the hospital, and our family devotions (which I did not want to get up for). 

Character is everything. Dad was a man of utter honesty and integrity and did not cut any ethical corners. Nor did he allow us to either.

Go where Jesus wants you to go. Feeling called to missions and being told that the mission needed a doctor he went to medical school and then to Hong Kong where he co-founded a hospital (Evangel Hospital) with Bob Chapman. Needing a surgeon, he came home, did a surgical residency and went back. This on top of his engineering and theological degrees. In the mid seventies my folks had two sets of parents who needed care so they did not return to Hong Kong in order to care for their elderly parents. Dad was willing to do what was needed to follow Jesus where he felt Jesus was calling them. 

Share the gospel. My parents both had a compelling desire to share the gospel with others. People were always in our home, they had home Bible studies where I believe hundreds came to know Jesus and in his later years my dad wrote a book called Discovering the Bible for those who desired to read through the Word. Translated into Russian and Chinese it may turn out to be his greatest legacy in terms of sharing the Gospel. In the hospital in Hong Kong the staff shared the gospel with every patient.

Keep getting better. As my brother Tom said at my dad's funeral. "Dad was not a perfect man but he kept getting better." That is one of the greatest takeaways from my dad's life. He was not content and he did not settle. He kept seeking to become more like Jesus and he was a kinder, gentler and more grace filled man as the years went by. 

Like any son, I had my struggles with my father. At times - epic. But his imprint on my life in important areas will be his legacy to me and I hope to my children and grandchildren. It is why I dedicated my last book Deep Influence to him. Dad's have a deep influence on their kids, at least mine did on me.

In my dedication of Deep Influence to my father I wrote this:

To my father.

Engineer, theologian, church planter, evangelist

physician, surgeon, author, teacher and mentor to many.

Most importantly a man of deep Influence

Who met His Lord on November, 19, 2012.

Posted from San Diego

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Ministry burnout

Ministry burnout is one of the real risks any in ministry have. There are simply too many needs to be met, too many people who desire attention and the pressures can be intense. Early in my career I experienced this after dealing with dysfunctional leadership for a number of years. Every year ministry burnout takes good people out of the game and no one is exempt from the prospect unless we take precautions against it. 

The signs of burnout include fatigue, sometimes anger (at the very people we are here to serve), a desire to be somewhere else or doing something else, lack of interest in being with God (we are too tired) and emotional overload. It is often a sign that we have not put adequate boundaries around our schedules, what we agree to do and are carrying emotional loads God never intended us to carry. 

Looking back at my own situation I realize that I took too much personal ownership over things that were God's problems not mine. I also stayed too long in a dysfunctional system that I could not resolve. There are situations we cannot resolve and the longer we try to resolve them the more burnout we can experience. One of the things I learned was that some problems don't get resolved this side of heaven.

This is a dangerous place to be as there is a tipping point where our emotional, spiritual and physical resources become so exhausted that it can take years to recover. I have often counseled people to leave their ministries and seek another before the toll is so high that they must leave ministry in order to recover. It can be an arduous journey.

For those who are experiencing the symptoms of burnout in ministry I have these suggestions.

One: Guard your schedule so you have adequate time for rest, reflection and refreshment. If there was ever a time to do less it is at this juncture. We often think if we work harder we can push through the challenges but that is often the worst thing we could do.

Two: If you are in a dysfunctional workplace don't assume that you are the one who can make the breakthrough that is causing your situation. Sometimes we need to move on and leave the dysfunction to those who are causing it. This is not surrender but can be self preservation.

Three: Get good counsel from trusted friends to gain perspective. In the midst of burnout our own thinking is often faulty and not reliable. Listen to those who know you best and follow their advice. Often what keeps us from doing this is our pride - we think we ought to be able to figure our situation out but this is the time to put pride aside and seek help. Even professional help.

Four: Focus on things other than work as often as possible. Spend time doing those things that fill you and remember that ministry is not all there is. When our whole identity is wrapped up around ministry we contribute to the depletion of our emotional resources. Life is more than ministry. It is family, recreation, friends, and the joys of life. Develop ways to get emotional distance from your work situation. Spend time with those who love you and give you life when you are with them. Don't do this journey alone!

Five: Don't take on burdens that are God's. As Jesus said, "my burden is light." He did not intend for us to carry around burdens that are His to carry. We are to do our best and leave the rest to Him. Jesus came to save the world. We participate with Him in His work but we cannot save the world and often not even the situation we are dealing with.

Finally, press into Him and your identity in Christ. It is where we find rest for our souls and a divine perspective. Learn to give to Him what is His to carry.

Posted from San Diego

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Abrupt decisions and non-decisions

Both abrupt and non-decisions are dangerous. 

Abrupt decisions are those where we make a quick decision without thinking through the consequences or taking into account the advice of others. I see it play out all too often and it always saddens me because even if it is the right decision in the end it often circumvents process with others that would have been helpful.

In my own organization I see it play out where a decision to resign, for instance is announced and  no one in the organization had any clue it is coming. I have to wonder why there was not conversation with anyone when someone has been deeply invested in ministry for a long time. It is possible that if there were issues that could be resolved they could have been. It also feels like a violation of trust when it happens. It certainly sends a message that those they have been in relationship with don't count or matter. 

Then there are those who take forever to make decisions that are critical in nature. This is as unhealthy as abrupt decisions in my view as there is not an ability to take the prompting of God, the counsel of others and the information one has to choose one way or the other. This is a fatal flaw for leaders from whom decisions are needed. This is often the case with church boards who ignore issues for too long because they don't want to make a decision.  By the time a decision has been made it is too late. 

Wise individuals seek counsel, prayer and look at the information realistically and then make a decision. Both abrupt and non-decisions are unwise, and often do not reflect good judgement or wisdom.

Posted from San Diego

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Three questions to consider regarding what you do today

We are creatures of habit. Habits can be very helpful but they can also be counterproductive when we don't think through why we do what we do. I ask myself three questions regularly.

The first is "What do I need to do today?" Usually that it determined by what is on my calendar and to do list as this allows me to live out my priorities. In fact, if we are even asking the question of what we should do today it means that we didn't plan very well in our yesterdays. We should always know what we are up to long before we wake. But many don't!

The second question is just as important. "In what order should I do it?" Generally the right answer is that we should do the hardest thing first - the things we would put off if we could and may indeed already have done so. Whatever we are tempted to procrastinate on should get our first attention and then we can go on to do those things that give us life.

The third question is an interesting one: "Why am I doing it?" There are some things that we do by habit and never ask if we or someone else should be doing it, or for that matter, if we should be doing it at all! The things we do are not all equal and some things no one would notice if we just stopped doing them. 

We are all busy so being smart with our time is time well spent.

Posted from San Diego

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Using the hand we have been dealt for God's glory.

How often do we wish that life were different! 

We complain about what we don't have, sometimes wish we were like others, or see the glass half empty rather than half full. But here is the thing! Jesus has given us what we have and what He asks of us is that we use the hand we have been dealt, regardless of the hand, for his glory.

Right now the cards my wife has in her hand are not very exciting. She suffers from a great deal of joint pain, has a hard time standing and walking because of pain in her feet and is rarely pain free. We are praying for healing and following all the medical paths we can but ultimately God wants her to use the hand God has given her for His glory. He knows the limitations. He also knows that her perseverance is an example to others. And while she is less active physically by necessity, she is more active in prayer for others.

I think of my dear friend Phil who has brain cancer that is terminal unless the Great Physician touches his brain and heals the cancer. What does God ask of Phil? To use the cards in the hand he has been dealt for the glory of God. He does not complain, lives in trust, continues to work and lives with expectancy. He gets it!

All of us have things we wish were different. But here is where our theology needs to trump the things we wish were different. God is fully aware of our situation, he is sovereign over all things in our lives, His Spirit intercedes for us in areas where we struggle (Romans 8), and He does work all things for His own good (Romans 8:28). I don't say that lightly because what is for His ultimate good does not keep us from those things that cause us pain in a fallen world. Rather He is able to redeem all of our situations and use them for His glory.

There are days when all of us with that life were different. What we need to do on those days is ask, "What has God placed in my hand that I can use for Him today?" That takes the focus off of what we wish were different and places it in a totally new perspective. It is no longer about me but about Him and we realized that it is not about the deficits of life (from our perspective) but those things He has given us that we can use on His behalf. It can change our day.

Posted from San Diego

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

The source of a leader's identity directly impacts their leadership

Identity is a tricky thing. Who am I really? What gives me ultimate worth? Where do I find acceptance and a sense of purpose?

Those are profound questions for us. Let's assume for a moment that as the leader of a mission organization and a Senior Vice President in a denomination that my identity is a product of those responsibilities and titles. If that were to go away, who would I be? And if that is "who I am" what about the other parts of my life that have nothing to do with my job? Who am I there? 

In no way am I diminishing the part that calling and passion play in "who are are" and "who we become." But, if our identity is anywhere else than in who we are in Christ we have a problem. Everything else in life is ultimately temporary. Only He is permanent. Furthermore, only He can ultimately satisfy the deepest cravings and needs of the human heart because in the end we were made for Him.

Consider:
If my identity is found in my role, when that role disappears so does my identity.

If my identity is found in success, not only will I be driven to succeed but will drive others as well - and the goal line keeps changing so there is no crossing the goal.

If my identity is found in power, I will misuse that power and move deeper into hubris, hurting myself and everyone around me.

If my identity is in things, they eventually all go away. We leave the world as naked as when we arrived. 

If my identity is in fame, when my 15 minutes is over, so is my self worth. And then what?

Those leaders who are most grounded, most comfortable in their own skin, most healthy and most unflappable are those who have finally found their true identity in the one place where our truest identity is found. Jesus. They have focused their lives on Him first and understand the truths of Ephesians 1 and 2 relative to our position in Christ. They have found a profound settledness in Him.

What is the true ground of your identity? 

Posted from San Diego

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

12 Historical Speeches Nobody Ever Heard

Posted from San Diego

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

A YouTube video that illustrates much church leadership

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

Check out this map of the world's largest languages

Proportional Map of the World's Largest Languages

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.

Congregational meetings and church health

The first congregational meeting I attended in a church I was a member of was a disaster. A staff member had been let go, and a delegation came to defend him and skewer the church leaders. In the heat of the moment, the church chairman told someone to call the police! It went downhill from there. 

The tone, behavior, and tenor of congregational meetings say a lot about the health of the church. If dysfunction exists in the congregation, it is likely to show itself here. Because it is here that leaders either choose to be properly transparent or to hide their agendas and where the congregation has a chance to say what it wants to say in whatever way they choose to do so. Here are some markers of congregational meetings and what they say about the health of the church.

One: Leaders have the opportunity to craft public meetings, which means that they have the ability to control the agenda in ways that are either healthy or unhealthy. When leaders surprise the congregation in public meetings in large ways, they have led poorly, as this is not the place to drop something large on the congregation, and expect that they will act on it quickly. Usually, surprising the congregation in a public meeting means that the leadership did not have the will or the courage to lay the groundwork ahead of time.

Two: How transparent leaders are on issues that they can be candid about says a lot about their leadership. When they are secretive, don't answer the concerns of the congregation or will not explain issues that deserve an explanation, they are usually working from defensive, fearful, or authoritarian positions. Where there are complicated issues to discuss, such as budgets or bi-law changes, good leaders will provide venues prior to the meeting so that all concerns can be addressed. However, in either case, their willingness to listen, respond and be honest is a key indicator of their health.

Three: The attitude of the congregation in public meetings says much about the health of the body as a whole. When public charges are made in a less than loving matter, when opinions are expressed with anger or where there are personal attacks or hidden agendas behind comments and questions, it does not come from Jesus! The fruit of the Spirit in all congregational deliberations is a sign of its health and the absence of its dishealth.

Four: This is one that many leaders don't get. When they don't provide adequate communication, don't listen to their congregation, or have an agenda that the congregation does not desire to follow and does not feel right about, they will be challenged where there is an opportunity, and this is one of those opportunities. When leaders will not address the concerns of many, there will be an eruption somewhere, and it is often in this venue. While I don't condone any eruptions that don't display the fruit of the Spirit on this one, I don't blame the congregation but insensitive leaders who have not done their job well. If you frustrate the congregation long enough, it will come out at some point.

Congregations are families. When families get along it is because they are operating out of health. When they don't get along they are operating from dishealth.

How do you know if your meetings are healthy? Ask yourself if you want to go to them. If you have anxiety over them or feel the tension in the room, there is dysfunction afoot. Leaders, especially, ought to be aware of those tensions and do what they need to do in order to lead well.

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com.