When leaders get irritated

It happens to anyone who leads. I don't need to go into the causes as there can be many. The question is how does one handle the irritation with ones staff? It may seem like an elementary question but it actually is not as our response can help or hinder our leadership. It is why careless leaders lose unnecessary coinage with staff because they do not moderate their responses appropriately. 

Leaders have a higher responsibility to moderate their emotions and responses than others. The best leaders choose carefully how and when to respond to irritating events and modulate their emotions with care. The control of our emotions is designed to get us the best result rather than to vent in ways that are unhelpful. Leaders who are careless with their responses and emotions often hurt people unnecessarily (especially true with emails).

There are many times when leaders choose to keep their irritation to themselves and seek to solve the issue without revealing their emotions. There is often no need for staff to know our irritation if it is not necessary. Every time we reveal irritation we use and often lose coinage with staff.

There are a few instances where leaders intentionally choose to reveal their irritation, strong feelings or appropriate anger in order to make a significant point. There are times and events that require strong reaction because the issue at hand is critical to the organization. Especially when a key value of the organization has been violated.

The issue is whether leaders have the ability to modulate their emotions and often keep their emotions to themselves. And, to use their emotions in a productive manner rather than allowing them to be used unproductively. 

(Written from Berlin, Germany)

Choosing a healthy path even when others don't

Many people work in organizations that have significant issues, or attend churches with the same. Welcome to our world which made up of people is highly imperfect. While I wish we all were in healthy workplaces or churches we are not. That being said, we always have a choice: Do I contribute to dysfunction or to health?

The issue is not whether there will be dysfunction in my church or place of work - that is a fact of life. The issue is whether I will deliberately and consistently choose healthy attitudes and practices in spite of what others around me are doing. That is my choice!

Truly healthy individuals simply choose a healthy path even when others don't.

Think about the choices we have:

• I choose whether I get pulled into other people's stuff or avoid triangulation.
• I choose whether I engage in gossip and the putting down of others or choose only to speak well of others.
• I choose whether I keep short accounts in relationships or allow bitterness and conflict to fester unresolved.
• I choose whether I am honest and transparent while still being diplomatic and kind or whether I am cynical and angry.
• I choose whether I live with personal integrity or skirt the edges.

The powerful common denominator in all this is that we always have a choice. No matter how dysfunctional our surroundings we always have a choice. That is empowering to us and powerful in its influence with others.

It is also very freeing. Getting wrapped up in bad attitudes, unhappiness, emotional triangles, unresolved conflict are all massive energy wasters and bondage makers. Choosing a healthy path is freeing. It is also a quiet but powerful influence for health when things are not healthy.

We have far more power over our circumstances and attitudes than we often think. And more influence than we know if we will choose a healthy path even when others don't!

When you need to digest bad news

From time to time, organizational leaders need to face and digest bad news. There is always the temptation to become defensive, to want to minimize what we are hearing or to ignore it altogether. We may feel that we have failed or have not led well. This is precisely when we need some values to fall back on and I often fall back on four specific values that help me hear, digest and deal with bad news.

The first is that "I have nothing to prove and nothing to lose." If that is true, I don't need to prove that I am right, nor do I lose if I am wrong. It is a freeing way to live as I don't need to become defensive, don't need to defend or be right. It is a humble position that allows us to grow.

The second value is "autopsy without blame." I am less concerned with who is responsible for what has happened than I am in understanding what has happened and learning from the situation. In most cases, it is not about blame but about making key observations, understand why something has happened and then figure out a way forward.

The third value I live by when there is bad news can be understood by the phrase, "Do not underestimate my resolve." Once we know that there is something we need to resolve and move toward, we are committed to going there no matter what. It is the commitment to do the right thing even when feels inconvenient.

A fourth truth is that "What got us to here got us to here. It will not get us to there. Organizations must periodically reimagine the future and realize that many of our methodologies, paradigms and strategies need to change to get to the next level of ministry success. Thus in the face of bad news we need open minds as to what is best as we look to the future.

Bad news can actually be good news if we learn from it, grow from it and get better because of it. But, that all depends on our own ability to face it and deal with it in a healthy way.

Controlling our reactions, thinking grey and quiet resolve

Do you have anyone who really pushes your buttons? Someone who you don't really understand and who manages to irritate you mightily at times?

It is a common situation. It is also common to respond by being "reactive," that is, with emotion, either to them, often to others and to make assumptions about their intentions and motives. It is also easy to shoot off emails that we might want to take back when we find out that our assumptions were not accurate.

Some people will actually seek to cause reaction on your part by their actions.

While all of us are "reactive" from time to time, generally it is not a good sign of emotional intelligence and we should learn how to not react, not allow our blood pressure to go up and not to become angry because when we do we usually respond in ways that are not helpful or healthy.

When I hear about someones actions or words or attitudes that might have caused me to react in years past, my goal now is to "think grey." Thinking grey is listening to the information, soliciting other information without drawing any conclusions as to whether the conclusion others may be drawing is accurate. This is actually one of the secrets of good leaders. They do listen, they do want to know and if something sounds problematic they do want to find out the truth. But in the process, they think grey and refuse to draw hard and fast conclusions until they have enough context and information.

It is a wise thing to do. Sometimes the information is not accurate. Sometimes the information is accurate but the conclusions those around you have drawn are not accurate. Often, motives are misjudged as bad when they are not. The behavior may have been problematic and harmful but rarely are the motives truly destructive. As someone has wisely put it, "Never attribute to poor motives what can easily be attributed to stupidity."

Thinking grey does not mean that we intend to ignore the issue or not confront the individual. It means that we will do so when our information is such that it is reasonable and when circumstances are right.

This brings me to another trait of great leaders. They have quiet resolve. Rarely will they react with anger and often they will think grey. But once they are aware of a problem they display a quiet resolve to deal with it, even if it is an uncomfortable situation to deal with.

I often tell those around me, "do not underestimate my resolve." Anyone who does is in for a surprise because I am committed to a healthy work environment, committed to the guiding principles and core commitments and practices and culture of our organization. Waiting for clarity, or for the right time to address problematic situations or people is not weakness. It is simply wisdom - and quiet resolve.

One other thought. With passive aggressive individuals who cause problems to you or the organization it is often not wise to immediately confront them. They will deny the allegation and play to what you want to hear (passive behavior) while behind your back they display contempt or attempt to undermine you. They will also play the victim to others when confronted. Holding passive aggressive individuals accountable is like trying to get your arms around smoke.

Again, quiet resolve comes into play. You don't ignore but you do wait because passive aggressive people will usually hang themselves if you give them enough rope. You wait and eventually they will do something public enough and egregious enough that those around them see them for what they are and you have the support you need to confront, hold them accountable and be so defining of what behavior is and is not acceptable that they will either conform or leave or you have the ammunition to take action should it happen again.

The ironic thing is that passive aggressive individuals often think they have the upper hand when dealing with leaders with good EQ. The truth is that those leaders are simply waiting for them to show their true stripes at which time they will take decisive action.

Good Emotional Intelligence and wisdom will almost always win out over poor Emotional Intelligence and stupidity. Control your reactions, think grey and commit to a quiet resolve.

For more reading on Emotional Intelligence see Emotional Intelligence Revisited

Convictions or cookies: Which drives you?

Cookies are nice! They are the comments or affirmations we get in ministry because of what we do - preaching a good sermon, visiting someone in the hospital, helping those in need. In fact, it is easy to become driven by the cookies because they satisfy our ego and make us feel good about ourselves. I must be doing something important for Jesus is people give me all those cookies!

But: cookies can be dangerous as well. Cookies can motivate us to please others so that we get more cookies. And a drive to please others for our ego needs can cause us to play to people rather than to be driven to please God and to push into places that God wants us to push but people don't.

Hence my question: Are we driven more by cookies than by conviction?  Christian leaders must lead out of a deep place of inner conviction irregardless of whether we get cookies for our leadership. I remember rolling out some new paradigms in the mission I lead ten years ago to the consternation of many who saw it as the flavor of the month and me as out to lunch. If I were looking for cookies they were few and hard to find. And that lasted for quite a while. But what I did have was a deep abiding conviction that where we were going was where God wanted us to go and I said often, "Do not question my resolve!"

Sometimes cookies come and sometimes they don't. We are not called to chase cookies but to move in directions that God wants us to move with conviction and resolve. If I am chasing cookies I will not press into areas that are uncomfortable with either an individual or a congregation. If I am chasing cookies I will become a servant of men rather than of God. I may even compromise my convictions in the process.

I like cookies. But I recognize that cookies don't always serve me well. Convictions serve me much better. Especially those that come from God and are shared by my key colleagues as the direction God wants us to travel. Our best cookies will come from the words of our Lord one day. "Well done my good and faithful servant."

The Emotional Intelligence of churches and ministries

Here is an interesting question. We talk much about EQ (Emotional Intelligence) as it relates to individuals but do ministries also have a corporate EQ? I believe that they do: It is the combined EQ level of its leadership and staff and it has profound implications for the overall effectiveness of the ministry. My observations come out of two decades plus of working with ministry organizations.

Here are some of the markers of good and poor organizational or ministry EQ.

How we handle conflict
This is a biggie! I once worked with a troubled church where any disagreement with the senior leader was seen as a lack of loyalty and works like "submission" and "obedience" along with ubiquitous scripture references were bandied around frequently. Then there were "charges" against those whose behavior was seen as "sinful" and "admonitions" to those who had crossed some line.

While this may seem extreme - and it is more common than it should be - there are many ministries that don't know how to deal with conflict, differences, or simply resolve differences quickly and without major drama. The upshot is not only relationships that do not get healed but often conflict escalates rather than de-escalates, becomes a matter of obedience or submission (so now we are in the realm of sin and righteousness) but it steals amazing amounts of time from what could be productively spent elsewhere. 

I am always way when Scripture plays a big part in ministry conflict - used as a defense or hammer. What it often reveals is the defensiveness of the one using it and the spiritualization of what is often just a difference of opinion.

How we handle candid dialogue
This is the corollary. There are organizations that reflecting their leadership are "defensive" organizations, unable to tolerate, invite, listen to and value differences of opinion. Healthy organizations allow the free flow of opinions, ideas, viewpoints and convictions rather than stifle them.

When healthy EQ is present, these organizations actually realize far greater innovation and effectiveness and there is a spirit of freedom. When unhealthy EQ is present there is often fear in expressing one's opinions because it leads to conflict (above) and the inability of the organization to deal with that conflict.

How we treat people
In healthy organizational EQ, staff are valuable individuals who do ministry with - not for - their leaders. There is an egalitarian ethos where all are treated with dignity and their opinions valued no matter where they fall on the organizational chart. Whenever staff feel that they are used for the benefit of leadership or the mission there are EQ issues that are being played out.

A good test in any organization on this score is how we treat people who are at our level or below (organizationally). If there is the same honor and value placed on those who fall below us on the org chart ans there is on those above us it is a sign of good EQ.

How we deal with criticism
This goes to the issue of candid dialogue but to a different level. The ability of people to speak to dysfunction or push back in a healthy manner on one another is a critical EQ issue, especially for leaders who are most often impacted. Healthy organizations have a "nothing to to prove, nothing to lose" attitude that responds to critique non-defensively rather than with defensiveness. When that stance is taken, there are no issues because there is no defensiveness.

When leaders respond defensively there is usually a built in probability of conflict where there did not need to be. Church leaders often get themselves into trouble here by taking critique personally and circling the wagons to defend themselves. Why is that necessary and why should those who attend the church not have the ability to speak into issues that concern them? How leaders respond to critique is a sign of the EQ of the organization as a whole.

Organizational pride or humility
Ministries can be prideful or humble. The truth is that pride is always a sign of low EQ and it negatively impacts the organization because it is not able to see itself objectively. I have worked with churches, for instance, who went through an era where they were a "big deal" in their community. Decades later, even when facing decline of significant issues of health their perception of themselves is that they are still that "big deal." Unfortunately it keeps them from seeing themselves as they truly are and being willing to take a good look in the mirror.

Proud ministries don't partner well with others (they have an attitude that they can always do it better), resist any good ideas that are not their's (thus if they didn't produce it - it is not worthy), talk among themselves about how special they are and how pedestrian other ministries are and have an elevated view of themselves. Humble ministries partner well, are always looking to learn from others, understand the small place they play in the grand scheme of God and rather than lifting themselves up simply seek to do the best they can and encourage other ministries along the way.

It is worth some thinking and dialogue within your ministry as to what the EQ of your ministry is. Of course it takes humility to be willing to do that just as it does for us personally.

Secure and insecure leaders

One of the key indicators of success or failure in ministry is the measure of personal security one has. The higher the level of security, the more likely there will be long term ministry success. The higher the level of insecurity, the more likely there will be a train wreck along the way - or a lot of pain.

The reason for this is that insecurity brings with it behaviors which hurt and compromise relationships while security brings behaviors that build long term healthy relationships. Because ministry is all about relationships insecure individuals end up sabotaging the very relationships that give them leadership capital. Secure individuals are able to build long term healthy relationships.

For example, insecure individuals do not know how to deal with those who disagree with them. They often become defensive when they perceive that others either disagree or are pressing for a different direction. That defensiveness says, "I don't want to hear what you have to say!" Which, of course shuts down constructive dialogue. A secure individual is non defensive in the face of alternate options and communicates "I have an open mind, lets talk."

That goes to the issue of dialogue. Have you ever had to negotiate an issue with an insecure individual? It can be like trying to talk to a wall. It is a one way conversation. There is no sense that the other party is open to what one is tying to communicate. This of course kills relationship. The opposite is true with secure individuals who invite dialogue, there is back and forth, questions are asked and answered and often there is movement on both sides to move toward a common view.

Secure individuals understand that compromise is not a bad thing, in fact, getting to a consensus is a healthy place to be. Insecure individuals frankly don't know how to compromise because they have a set view of what should be and anything that does not fit that view is a threat to their personal well being. Thus insecure people polarize others: they either see them on their side or against them. Even good people who disagree with them find themselves on the out list and again relationship is lost.

Because insecure individuals polarize, they are unable to seek and receive counsel from a variety of people who could speak into their lives or situations. Rather they listen to those who agree with them and therefore contribute to their sense of being right. This automatically disempowers anyone who might take an alternate view - and it is one of the reasons that boards become divided when insecure pastors start to only listen to those who agree with them. Those who don't happen to agree are simply marginalized.

Over time when this happens, those who are marginalized simply leave leadership and often the church. They no longer have a voice and don't feel valued.

The personal security or insecurity of senior leaders has huge ramifications for a ministry as a whole. Insecure leaders end up destroying relationships. Secure leaders build relationships. The first will also hurt the ministry. The second will build a ministry. It is a serious issue.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) has a huge impact on our leadership, relationships and influence. Poor EQ causes us to lose coinage with others while good EQ does just the opposite. Think through the following indicators of good EQ and evaluate how well you are doing in these crucial areas.

I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
I live with self confidence but not hubris
I am highly flexible
I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

Two phrases we ought to use more often

The first is "thank you." All of us have much to be thankful for from those around us whether family, friends, colleagues or staff. It is easy to fall into complacency and forget to thank them for what they do. This is especially true with staff who work hard. We ought to thank them often and specifically. Not to do so is to take them for granted: think of the hole they would leave if they were not there!

The second is "I am sorry." Or, "I blew it." When we blow it we ought to have the honesty and courage to admit it. That simple admission says a lot to those around us. It tells them that we care about them, that we have a measure of humility and that we understand our own humanity.

Both phrases say something about us: We care about others and we are other focused rather than us focused. There is the building of humility in both. 

Powerful phrases. Use them often.

SOLEQ - For a definition read on...

It stands for Sudden Onset Low EQ and comes from a colleague of mine. I found it humorous and true because all of us suffer from it at times. Symptoms include: the sharp remark, the biting email, the throw away comment that hurts, unnecessary irritation with others, inappropriate anger and each of us can fill in the personal list for ourselves.

It is worth thinking about since good relationships are all about good EQ - knowing and controlling our impulses which emanate from our emotions. SOLEQ can cause us to lose relational coinage and therefore influence. 

In addition, instances of SOLEQ are indications that we have unfinished  business with ourselves. We ought to ask, "Why did that situation push a button in me?" When buttons are pushed that cause emotional responses it is more about us than those who pushed the button. 

Someone asked me recently how long it takes to develop really good EQ. I said "a lifetime." It is an ongoing process of learning ourselves and controlling our emotions, impulses and responses in appropriate ways. The issue is to be aware of when we respond in less than an appropriate way, keep short accounts and ask ourselves how we can handle it differently in the future.

And, thanks to a candid colleague, I have a new acronym. 

How self defined are you?

A key component of good EQ is the ability to be “self defined.” A self defined individual is one who understands who they are, is comfortable with who they are and can clearly articulate their own positions in a way that does not force others to agree and does not demonize those who disagree.

It is the ability to say, “This is what I think, (and why), now tell me how you see it.” In doing this the leader has made his or her position clear along with their rationale and has opened the door for honest conversation that can hopefully lead to a shared understanding.

Central to being self defined is to do so in a way that allows dialogue to take place even with those who might strenuously disagree with us. Some leaders cannot do this. They can state their position but cannot stay connected relationally with those who disagreed with them – thus the conversation is over without any resolution.

The ability to have a position and stay connected with others who disagree is a key component to healthy relationships. It is usually in on-going dialogue that one comes to mutually acceptable conclusions as long as we are dealing with people who also have a level of EQ health. Discussions with those who lack EQ often go nowhere. Thus our ability to understand the EQ of those we are dealing with becomes a factor in how we deal with them.

Self definition requires leaders to think well before they state a position. But their flexibility and invitation for dialogue also leaves the door open to further discussion and modification of their views. This is why a non-defensive attitude on their part is so critical. If staff know that they can honestly push back without repercussions and know they will also be heard it is often possible to come to a more refined position that works for everyone.

Self definition is a powerful leadership tool because it goes to the values, convictions, attitudes and actions that a leader has and the more consistent these are the more security those who work for them have. They know what to expect, they know what the guiding principles and convictions are and they know that these are not going to change.

For instance, all of my staff know that when something really needs to get done I will say “Whatever it takes.” Part of my own self definition is the conviction that when it is the right thing to do I will always default to that principle. Therefore, they know that they have the permission to do the same when something critical needs to happen.

The more defining the leader is the more clarity staff have on how they operate within the organization or team. My convictions on partnerships, multiplication, empowerment and team, for instance are clearly understood and become guides to staff on how they operate. My own self definition as a leader is a secure foundation for those who work with me.

Leaders who lack such definition, and are unpredictable are difficult to work for because there is not an accurate compass for others to follow. This is the case with leaders whose idea of the day becomes their mantra until the next idea pops up. Unpredictable leaders are difficult if not impossible leaders to follow.

Being self defined also means that we can separate ourselves from the issues of others and not fall into the trap of enmeshment or triangulation in relationships. We take responsibility for the issues we have with others and seek to help others resolve what they need to resolve but we are able to separate ourselves from those issues and not become drawn into them.

Coaching those with poor EQ

It is not easy to coach those with poor EQ (Emotional Intelligence) precisely because it usually means that they do not understand how their actions, words or attitudes impact others. In fact, part of good EQ is understanding ourselves and how we are perceived by others and how we impact others. If my own self awareness is low it is very hard to understand why I might have a negative impact on those around me.

So how does one coach those whose self awareness is low? While not easy I have several suggestions.

First, and this is not easy, it is critical to have an honest and direct conversation with the one being coached on how they are negatively impacting others. Because their self awareness is low they will probably not have a flash of understanding and thank you for your concern. Rather, they will likely become defensive or seem clueless as to what you are talking about. Since they are not very self aware your news will be news to them and they often will not initially believe you.

That is why it is critical, second, to give them very concrete examples of what you are talking about: "Tim, in that meeting when you....this is how it was perceived by others and this is why they reacted negatively to you." Concrete examples are absolutely essential if you want someone with poor EQ to understand what you are talking about. They are likely to push back and say something like "well that is who I am" or "I am just being honest." While both may be true they need to understand that how they did what they did was disempowering to others and not acceptable in your organization.

Third, people with poor EQ often need very practical tools for avoiding problematic behaviors. So for instance, one friend I have been coaching tends to shut down when criticized - a bad thing for a leader to do. My suggestion to him was simple. When tempted to shut down, immediately engage. In other words the emotion to shut down should be a trigger and a reminder to engage, the very thing that will allow him to change the perception that when challenged he goes silent. Giving practical tools for dealing with EQ deficits can change the equation for one who wants to grow.

Fourth, give ongoing, direct, fast and candid feedback (in private) whenever problematic behaviors emerge. It is the very thing needed because philosophical discussions about EQ don't work with those who have deficits. They need clear examples. This can be followed up by the question, how might you respond differently in the future in order to get a different outcome? Again, that goes to developing their response toolbox.

Finally, if you are dealing with significant deficits be clear that their behaviors will not work in your organization and they need to get very serious about resolving them. Some need to understand that if they do not manage themselves better they may actually need to move on. 

Emotional Intelligence and the Holy Spirit

Daniel Goleman (a great author on this subject) did not invent EQ - God did. Emotional intelligence is all about managing our emotions so that they do not get us into trouble and allow us to keep healthy relationships. 

In that light, the Fruit of the Spirit, for instance takes on new meaning. "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control." All of these would be considered good EQ! The acts of the lower nature (Galatians 5) would be considered bad EQ: fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy..and the like.

Think of some of the admonitions of Ephesians in this regard:

• Be completely humble and gentle
• be patient, bearing with one another in love
• Make every effort to keep the bond of peace
• put off falsehood and speak truth fully
• Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry
• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs
• get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.
• Be kind and compassionate
• Forgive one another

All of these behaviors are pleasing to God and all are signs of good emotional intelligence as we manage our emotions and reactions in ways that are productive rather than unproductive.

So think about this: Christ followers above all should have some of the best cultivated EQ because for us it is both a matter of obedience to Jesus and we have the Holy Spirit to help us make it a reality in our everyday experience. 

Good EQ is not a secular concept but a deeply biblical one. Growing our EQ is part of growing into who God designed us to be through His Holy Spirit. As a student of EQ in the secular literature and the Scriptures I am constantly reminded that EQ is a deeply biblical principle. 

Avoiding emotional triangles

One of the signs of healthy emotional intelligence is the ability to be "self defining" - having one's own view and opinion of situations and people without being "drawn into" the opinions or issues of others. Both emotional triangles and enmeshment are signs of poor EQ, whether by the one who does the triangulation or the one who is drawn into the triangulation.

For instance, it is not unusual for someone who has an "issue" with another individual to seek to draw other people into their "issue" by speaking ill of them (often subtly to first see if there is resonance) and looking for others to join them in their opinion. This makes the one with the "issue" feel better (they have others who now share their opinion) and it allies others with them against the one with whom they have an issue. It can be very subtle but the results are not!

This often happens in families, in workplaces, in ministries and in congregations. It divides people, hurts relationships and can cause relational chaos on a team or within a group. And it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence on the part of the perpetrator as well as those who choose to join the perpetrator.

Individuals with healthy emotional intelligence keep their own counsel on people and situations. They do not allow themselves to be drawn into alliances with others against others. They are able to think for themselves and understand that they are responsible for their relationships with both parties and they do not allow others to define those relationships for them.

In addition, they immediately recognize when someone tries to "draw them in" that what they are hearing is probably not reality - that there is a reason that they are being lobbied toward a certain view or attitude. In fact, rather than being drawn in, emotionally healthy individuals immediately recognize that they are dealing with someone with poor EQ and they are wary of the information they are receiving.

How can one deal with situations where one is being subtly lobbied to agree with one party against another (triangulation)?

First, understand that your responsibility is for your relationships and that you need to be "self defined" and come to your own conclusions about people and situations. Healthy self defined people do not allow others to define reality for them.

Second, realize that anyone who triangulates is not operating out of healthy emotional intelligence and rather than solve the issue they have with others they instead seek to ally others with them against those with whom they have issues. Think about the difference between those two approaches! Which would be the biblical approach?

Third, do not give sympathy to the one seeking to triangulate which only feeds their unhealthy practice. Instead, ask clarifying questions that might help them understand that their perspective may not be the only way to look at the individual they are unhappy with and encourage them to deal with the relational disconnect rather than to draw others into their issue. When we give sympathy in the absence of personal information we become complicit in the problem.

Fourth, ask who could meet with the one with the offense and the one who is being marginalized by the one with the offense to bring understanding and reconciliation. Their willingness to deal with their issue when called on it will tell you a lot about their real motives.

Don't get caught in the deadly web of triangulation. It is unhealthy, it destroys relationships and it hurts ministry. Furthermore it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and the inability to be self defining.

Signs of good and bad EQ

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is the ability to understand ourselves, know what drives us, accurately understand how we are perceived by others, and understand how we relate to others. EQ measures whether we have the relational skills to work synergistically with others while being ‘self defining’ and allowing others to speak into our lives or work without defensiveness. Many of the actions, responses, attitudes and relational tendencies relate to our EQ. Healthy leadership therefore requires healthy EQ since leadership is all about relationships and people. One can lead from a position of authority with poor EQ but one cannot lead through deep influence without healthy EQ.

I believe that we pay far too little attention to issues of EQ in the hiring of leaders, building of teams or in our own lives. There are many brilliant individuals whose poor emotional intelligence leaves havoc in their wake. Poor emotional intelligence on the part of leaders is the major cause of relational and leadership issues. It is an issue every leader needs to pay close attention to. Those who do not end up hurting their leadership and the organization they lead. Several key issues of EQ stand out for leaders.

Consider these signs of poor EQ

• Defensiveness
• Inability to resolve conflict or negotiate differences in a healthy way
• Lack of empathy and understanding leaving people feeling hurt
• Marginalization of those who disagree with us
• Narcissism, where it is all about “me”
• A need to get our own way
• Control of others rather than empowerment
• Inapproachability by staff, volunteers or board members
• Use of spiritual terms like “God told me” or “spiritual warfare” to shut down discussion
• Lack of flexibility and ability to negotiate issues for a win/win solution
• Holding grudges and lack of forgiveness
• Inability to play on a team
• A history of relational problems with people one has worked with
• Lack of sensitivity to how actions, behaviors or words affect others
• Personal insecurity
• Inability to be self defining while maintaining good relationships
• Attitudes of cynicism and mistrust toward others
• A poor understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses
• A victim mentality where we are the victims and it is always someone else’s fault when conflict occurs
• Seeing the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys and not much in between leading to the demonization of others
• Needing to be popular
• Becoming enmeshed in other people’s issues
• High personal anxiety over aspects of my job
• Saying one thing to one individual and another thing to others

Consider these signs of good EQ

• I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
• I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
• I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
• I live with self confidence but not hubris
• I am highly flexible
• I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
• I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
• I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
• I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
• I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
• I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
• When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
• There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
• I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
• I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

What we know, think we know and don't know

Most of us believe we know more than we actually do – which is a dangerous position to be in. In fact, the greater our ability the greater the risk that we confuse what we know with what we think we know and minimize what we don’t know.

Jim, ranks as one of the brightest leaders I have ever met. Yet, he rarely makes a key decision without bouncing it off of a few key advisers who are in a position to tell him exactly what they think – some from outside of the organization he leads. With all of his skills as a leader, Jim wants to make the right call, not simply the call he thinks is right. In his use of a few key advisers in whom he has great trust he minimizes the risk of a bad call. It also demonstrates great humility and EQ.

There is a massive third category: what we truly don’t know! Here is one of the key distinctive between leaders with good EQ and real humility: those with it acknowledge on numerous occasions that they don’t have the answer and seek wisdom from those who might while those without it pretend or believe they have the answer and pay for that foolishness dearly.

I know many leaders who believe that they must have the answer and that their internal compass is always right. Thus, not only do they not solicit feedback or wisdom from others (with the exception of those who would agree with them) but they consistently get themselves into trouble with others because they went it alone (of course it is never their issue). It rarely occurs to these leaders that they don’t actually know what they ought to do. The result is that in a universe of possible solutions on any one topic, they are stuck in the small prison of what they actually know – or think they know.

Humble and healthy leaders do not assume they know the right course of action or that they can figure it out by themselves. In fact, they are by nature curious, always asking questions, desirous of knowing what others are doing and approach issues with an open mind that invites the best thinking to the table. They do not doubt their ability to get to where they need to go in the end but they are humble enough to realize that in the world of possible solutions, they know only a few and if there is a “game changing” solution they want to know about it.

For this reason, humble leaders rarely make quick decisions but “think grey” and solicit the opinions and ideas of the best people they know – in the area where they need to make a call. Often, they bring multiple voices together at once to think through an issue.

In the process they learn a lot – one of the reasons they are truly good leaders and they develop a cadre of highly competent people who they add to their circle of friends that they can call on in the future. Ironically, their history of making good calls my seem brilliant but if you peel back the process you realize that they did not make them in a vacuum but through their willingness to engage other bright people in the process and admit that they did not have the solutions themselves.

In contrast, prideful leaders – those who cannot admit their need for the wisdom of others either copy someone else’s solution (it may have no context in their case) or trust their limited wisdom never realizing how small their world of knowledge actually is!

One such leader that I know, believes that leadership is all about “making the directional call” and ensuring that everyone knows that they are in charge, in control and “the leader.” He actively resists the input of others and rarely solicits input. He lives with the allusion that he is a great leader when in fact, his ability to lead is seriously impeded by his pride and lack of openness to the feedback and wisdom of others. People around him are not fooled by his lack of wisdom - only he is. 

What we don’t know is a powerful stimulus to living with a spirit of humility. The more we understand what we don’t know the more open we are to soliciting the input and wisdom of others. And the more we learn from other bright people, the better our own leadership and decision making. Wisdom does not come to the insecure and prideful but to the secure and humble.

Agreeing and disagreeing agreeably

Healthy relationships, healthy leadership and healthy teams are built on a culture of high trust and a culture of high trust requires the ability to engage in honest dialogue about important ministry and missional issues.

Honest dialogue, however, requires the ability to agree and disagree with those we work with without our agreement or disagreement affecting our relationship. In fact, in a healthy organization or team, honest dialogue is always of high value and encouraged because it is in the give and take of ideas, options and alternatives that a team will come to the best solutions.

In a healthy organization, opinions and ideas are seen as neutral, designed to get the team or organization to the best solution.

As neutral, they are not good or bad, they are simply puzzle pieces on the table that may or may not fit the final picture but which need to be considered. Because they are neutral entities, it is not necessary to see disagreement as bad or a challenge to us because we are simply trying to fit the puzzle pieces together in the best configuration. Thus it is not about me or you but about which solution is best for the team and its mission.

Where this breaks down is where a team member so holds their solution or idea as the right one that it is no longer a neutral option but becomes to them to only right option. Someone who must get their own way displays unhealthy emotional intelligence (EQ) and they infuse what should be a neutral option for the group to consider into a more charged issue of what is right (my way) or wrong (the other way). Once this dynamic occurs, trust is damaged for the give and take of options is no longer possible without a fight over right and wrong, rather than over different options.

This often happens on church boards where individuals with strong convictions insist that their way is the right way and what should be an agreeable discussion of options becomes instead a conflictual discussion of options where their is no way to resolve the issue without conflict because someone has drawn hard and fast lines that must either be followed or the conflict will continue.

In these cases, whether on a team or a board, what should be a discussion of neutral ideas and issues designed to get you to the best solution has instead been hijacked by an individual (well meaning or not) who has a personal agenda. Personal agendas hurt group process and decision making because there is no longer the ability to dispassionately discuss ideas and issues. They have now been infused with what is "right" or "wrong."

Those who believe that honest dialogue toward shared solutions means that they can fight for their personal agenda (the way it should be) misunderstand what healthy dialogue looks like. In fact, unless they can grow in their understanding of the give and take of ideas and issues toward a common solution, they do not belong on a team or a board because their agendas will sabotage the process, and damage trust because there is no longer a way to agree and disagree agreeably.

Remember, in a healthy organization, options and ideas are seen as neutral, designed to get the team or organization to the best solution. They are pieces of a puzzle that may or may not end up in the final picture and should be seen as valid options without being infused by personal agendas. Where a team member cannot do that, they don't belong on the team!

EQ potholes to avoid

Potholes can do a real number on one's alignment! That is true with our vehicles and for our personal lives. In both cases, it is better to avoid them rather than pay the price for hitting them.

Consider these personal potholes:

• Getting sideways with someone and not doing all we can to make it right
• Keeping a grudge
• Assuming poor motives without clarifying those motives
• Not listening to feedback that we don't like
• Not asking for feedback from those around us
• Blaming others for our mistakes
• Taking credit for others work
• Insisting on our way
• Criticizing others to others rather than talking to those we disagree with
• Easily taking offence
• Defensiveness
• Making life about me rather than about the mission of the organization
• Taking on the offense of others and making it ours
• Refusing to forgive an offence
• Becoming enmeshed in the issues of others rather than insisting that they work out their own stuff
• Listening to the issues of others without insisting that they go and make things right with those they have an issue with
• Not being honest about our feelings and opinions
• Telling people what they want to hear rather than what we actually think
• Speaking truth without grace
• Giving grace without truth
• Not giving honest feedback when it is needed
• Marginalizing people who are honest with us

Emotionally healthy individuals avoid these potholes and if they hit them make them right quickly. They understand that all of these are relational issues and that healthy relationships are the key to almost all ministry effectiveness. They take responsibility to the best of their ability to keep relationships healthy and to avoid relational breakdowns.

Unhealthy relationships and relational breakdown are the cause of a great deal of pain on ministry teams and within ministry organizations. Most of it would be avoided if we avoided these potholes and filled them in when they occur.

Emotionally unhealthy individuals often don't even recognize these as issues which is a tougher thing to deal with. They find ways to justify their behavior and denigrate those whom they disagree with. Where people with poor EQ create issues that hurt or distract from ministry, someone needs to help them understand the impact of their unhealthy behavior. Often that will fall to supervisors. To ignore it is to leave other team members in a no win situation.

Each of these potholes are discussed explicitly or implicitly in Scripture. If we are guilty of any of them we need to rethink our behavior. It will please God and it will keep us out of all sorts of personal alignment issues. Try not to hit these potholes and if you do, make it right quickly.

Healthy leaders work hard to ensure that healthy relationships are maintained on their teams. When they see potholes developing they work to get them filled in and relationships back where God wants them to be. Where that cannot happen, they move those who constantly create potholes off of their teams.

Non-defensive living: Nothing to prove, nothing to lose

It is rare to find a truly non defensive individual but where you do you have an easy person to talk to because they have intentionally developed an attitude of nothing to prove, nothing to lose.

If I have nothing to prove, I don't need to be right all the time, I don't need to have all the answers, and I have nothing to be defensive about when I receive a word of criticism or counsel. That does not mean that I must agree with the evaluation being shared but I can evaluate it from a more neutral position because I don't have anything to prove.

Those who have nothing to prove and nothing to lose have open faces that invite conversation and dialogue while those who are defensive have closed faces that say, "don't go there." One invites conversation, the other shuts conversation down - fast.

Defensiveness comes out of two core and unhealthy needs. The need to be right and the need to not lose "face." The need to be right is plain arrogance (none of us are always right) and the need to not lose "face" is simply our pride which is an artificial shell we erect around ourselves to project the image of something we are really not.

Both arrogance and pride are products of our lower nature, are routinely on the list of things God hates (see Proverbs) and are the root of defensive attitudes.

Healthy individuals intentionally cultivate an attitude of nothing to prove, nothing to lose. They are open to criticism or evaluation because they do not feel a need to prove anything and are comfortable enough in their own skin that they are not afraid of losing anything.

It is an attitude of healthy humility that comes out of an inner core of personal confidence, healthy self image and an open spirit. There is no hint of arrogance or pride - thus there is no personal defensiveness.

Think of the people you know well. Which of them respond with openness to suggestions or evaluation? Which of them bristle and shut down the conversation? How do you do in this area?

It is a good mantra to remember: Nothing to prove, nothing to lose.

Learning to understand those we work with

There are few skills more important than that of learning how to understand those who we work with. It was Barnabas who watched and understood Paul after his conversion when others were deeply fearful of him. It was also Barnabas who understood John Mark when Paul wrote him off as a a failure: He got it right when Paul got it wrong.

Paul grew in this area and was a good read of Timothy and Titus, two men who he took under his wing to mentor. First and Second Timothy are full of insight into Timothy's wiring, propensities, strengths and weaknesses with specific wisdom and insight brought to bear by Paul. Paul had learned to do what Barnabas did instinctively, exegete people.

Everyone has fears, insecurities, strengths, unique wiring and blind spots that impact who they are, how they relate and how they are perceived. Good leaders learn how to exegete and understand those they lead and work with because it allows them to speak into their lives in a way that would otherwise be impossible.

This is a skill that can be learned. Often young leaders, like Paul, are too busy with their missional agenda to understand those around them. Hopefully, like Paul, they also learn the importance of exegeting people and opportunities along with the text.

Several simple suggestions for those who want to grow in their ability to exegete colleagues and staff. First, spend time in dialogue with them. It is in dialogue and probing that one best understands where another individual is coming from, what drives them and their framework of thinking and understanding. This is what Barnabas did with Paul in the early days. When others were afraid of him and therefore shunned him, Barnabas took him aside and talked with him - encouraged him and discipled him.

Second, watch, listen and observe words and actions. It is amazing what one can learn by simply being a good observer of words and actions. This is important in understanding those who report to you, those who are your colleagues or those above you. They more you understand how people think, how they react and how they make decisions the better you can influence their thinking and work productively with them.

Third, take time to mull and think about why a staff member reacts or acts the way they do. Just as insight into texts come to those who preach and teach as they mull the text so insight into people comes if we will take the time to mull them. People are complex and the better we understand their complexity the better we will understand who they are and what informs their actions.

Those who become exegetes of those around them find themselves with much better relationships than those who don't. In fact, those who don't build this skill often end up with shallow relationships because they never took the time to understand their colleagues. In the end it can short circuit one's leadership effectiveness.