The rare magnet of grace

We live in a harsh world. It is not just our differences and the polarization of our society but it is the attitudes that accompany our differences. Attitudes of derision, anger, ill will, verbal assaults and relational separation. Such a context makes it all the more remarkable to meet people who practice the grace of Jesus toward others.

Extending grace to those we think don't deserve it is the most counter intuitive act we could perform. The only reason we can do this is that we recognize God did the same for us and we of all people did not deserve His grace. Not then and not now. But He extends it regardless because that is who He is.

Grace is wonderful when extended to us by God and others. It can be inconvenient when we are called to extend it to those around us. Especially those who irritate and anger us. Those who have hurt or failed us. Those who have committed some sin that we can condemn them for because it is worse than our own sin (in our eyes). But the thing about grace is that it is by definition unmerited favor. It is reserved only for those who don't deserve it. And none of us do! 

I had an uncle by the name of Warren. I always loved to be in his presence because he was a person of grace. Never condemning, always loving and accepting. There was no hint of condemnation in him. In this he was like Jesus. And very different from many Christ followers I know. 

Personally I don't believe the church has much of a greater understanding of grace than the rest of our world. We can be just as condemning, exhibit the same animosity toward those whose views do not match ours and perhaps even more judgmental of others since we can use the cudgel of Scripture to put others down. And we do. Just listen to the conversation of many. 

Of course we have a Scriptural excuse. We need to be people of grace and truth like Jesus was. We are very good at the truth part, which is where our attitudes of judgement come from. But we are very weak at grace, extending unmerited favor. 

And we forget that even when sharing truth, Jesus was normally very gentle: the woman at the well; the woman caught in adultery; the rich young ruler. Our truth can be hard and cutting. His was soft and gentle which made it all the more remarkable and caught his audience off guard. Even His truth was filled with grace. Truth if not communicated with the fruit of the Spirit is not God's truth.

I no longer assume Christ followers will be people of grace which makes it all the more beautiful when they are. While I too fail at it many times, I want to learn to be more like Jesus in this - and my uncle Warren. And to live out the admonition of Paul in Ephesians 4:32-5:2. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

That is grace! Who can you show some grace to today?

Taking up the offenses of others

It is an all too common scenario. Someone commits an offense against a friend of ours, we hear about it and we take up the offense as well - harboring ill will toward the one who hurt our friend, and even on occasion speaking ill of them to others.

Taking up the offense of others is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and is a destructive practice. In getting sucked into this practice we often cause relational breakdown with the one who we believe hurt our friend, are guilty of hurting their reputation through gossip, and in a ministry setting, hurt the cause of Christ - without any first hand knowledge of the facts of the matter.

Let me give a first hand example. Years ago, a colleague who worked in the same organization as I decided that I was a "bad" person (I think the actual description on their part could have been stronger than that). They shared their opinion of me with others, most of whom were healthy enough to figure out there was another side to the story. But a few, without any firsthand knowledge took up their opinion and felt free to harbor both animus against me as well as share that animus with others.

Interestingly, those who took up the crusade had no first hand knowledge or interaction that would back up the "charges" and "opinions." Yet they took on an offense and have lived with that offense for years.

The sad thing is that there is no way I can develop a healthy relationship with those individuals or colloborate with them for the cause of the gospel. Their decision to take on the offense of others has built a wall between us that I cannot remove (and did not build). In fact, they have never talked to me personally about their animus toward me but have felt free to talk to others.
It is not about my reputation, that is in the hands of God. It is about healthy relationships, healthy emotional intelligence and the impact those have on Kingdom work.

It happens to many of us but it is a highly unproductive and unhealthy practice. Each of us is responsible for our relationships with others, for keeping short accounts, and for treating others with dignity. If I violate those principles I need to make it right.

But, I am not responsible for the relationships of other people and if there is relational disconnect between others, I can encourage them to make it right, offer to help make it right but what I should not do is take on their offense. It is their issue, not mine. In fact, to believe as "fact" negative information about another without any first hand knowledge is sin: It is not "thinking the best of others," and when we share our negative opinions in the absence of first hand knowledge it is nothing more than gossip.

I wonder how much relational destruction has been done in the Kingdom by people taking up the offenses of others - and in many cases assuming facts and spreading information that has no real basis in fact. It is simply second hand information that may or may not be true

When tempted to take on the offense of others ask yourself:

• Do I have first hand information that the information is true?
• Have I tried to help solve the relational disconnect?
• Have I inquired of the one under indictment whether my understanding is a correct one?
• Is the issue one that is any of my business?
• Do I want to take the chance that by taking on the offense I may be guilty of attitudes and words that are untrue, hurt others and ultimately hurt the work of God?
• Might there be another side to what I have heard?

We have enough challenges in our own relationships to take on the issues of others - which are not our issues.

When we take up the offense of others

Some of the most difficult situations I have to deal with as an organizational leader are those who call my office angry and unhappy and irrational over an issue that they have no first hand knowledge of. They have taken up someone else's issue and have gone on a crusade.

The reason these are such difficult situations is this. First, because they don't have first hand knowledge one cannot have a rational conversation about what really happened. All they know is what they "heard" happened and in the context of anger, hurt and raw emotions. Thus this is not a conversation about facts but perceived facts and emotional reactions. Conversations that cannot be focused around objective facts are usually conversations that cannot be resolved. 

Second, the conversations are crazy making because those who take up other's offences usually do not reveal that fact. It is clear from the conversation that there is an issue behind the issue (some one else's offence) but it is never stated so one has a hard time getting at it. If I sense there is an underlying issue I will often probe as to what it is and try to get to the heart of the matter. Dealing with side issues does not help one resolve the real - underlying issues. Unless that is put on the table there is no resolution.

Third, because these conversations are not about facts since first hand knowledge is no present, it ends up being about perceptions and anger. Perceptions of others are usually wrong and anger cannot be resolved without dealing with facts. And facts cannot be established without those with first hand knowledge present. 

Finally these are no win conversations because those who take up the offense of others have no way to move on because they cannot resolve "facts." So while the person whose offense they picked up moves on eventually those who picked up the offense did not and cannot.

When there is conflict, the goal must always be to achieve reconciliation. The goal is to come to understanding and achieve a level of peace. When I take up someone else's offence, however, I am doing just the opposite, enlarging the conflict rather than minimizing it: I cannot solve it for others; my own anger spills over to others; I have no objectivity in the situation and because it is not my issue, I cannot find resolution. It is a no win situation and does nothing to bring reconciliation or peace.

Picking up someone else's offense is foolish, bad EQ, unbliblical and causes relational havoc beyond what was necessary. It is one thing to seek to help resolve an issue in a healthy and productive manner. But once you take up another's offense there is no good way out.  

I will forgive you because....

It is hard to forgive someone who has hurt us badly. Often times it is someone very close to us which is why the hurt is so severe. One of the lessons I have learned over the years in ministry is that we are more likely to be hurt by someone inside the Christian family than from the outside.

The question always is, should I forgive those who have wronged me - especially when they have not acknowledged the wrong and then, how do I do it when the pain is so severe?

I believe there are always three reasons to forgive.

First, Jesus tells me to. He does not tell me to forget, it will not happen. He does not tell me that the pain will disappear: it may fade with time but may never fully depart. He does not tell me that everything will be OK: it may not be. He does not say it will be easy: sometimes we have to forgive over and over and over as the pain and anger and betrayal refuse to go away. What He does say is to forgive (Matthew 18:21-22). This is one command that is a hard command. It is not fair or just or a natural thing to do. It is one of the hard sayings of Christ.


Is this not why holocaust survivor Corrie Ten Boom forgave those who committed the most heinous crimes against her? Her father and her sister Bessie died at the hands of the Nazi's and she endured the infamous Ravensbruck prison camp.

Corrie recounts the day she forgave her SS guard:


“It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain blanched face.

He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message Fräulein”, he said “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.


I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your Forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

Second, Jesus forgave me. It is the parable of the unmerciful servant, Matthew 18:21-35. It is also a hard saying: "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." We have no standing before God when we say, "I will not forgive you for what you did to me" because Jesus forgave us when we did not deserve it. Our offenders may not have deserve our forgiveness - but we did not deserve an even greater forgiveness from Jesus. The truth is that none of us deserve forgiveness from God or from one another. He gave it freely and so we are to give it freely. From one undeserving recipient of grace to another undeserving in need of grace.

Third, bitterness is bondage while forgiveness is freedom. The bitterness that comes from holding on to grievances no matter how large or small is a prison. Here is the irony: when we are wronged the pain can be great but when we refuse to forgive the pain is greater and longer and even more bitter because we now must live with it daily. And this pain is self inflicted. The only way out of our own prison, the injury done to us by others and the injury done to ourselves is to forgive. It is in that act, which may need to be repeated over and over that our own freedom is secured. I refuse to be imprisoned by offenses done to me by others. In forgiveness I find freedom.

Forgiveness and legacy

Our ability to either forgive or not forgive those who have wronged us has a direct impact on our legacy. True legacy is not about the success we have accomplished as it is about lives we have impacted.

When we refuse to forgive someone who has wronged us we rob ourselves of the ability to influence or impact them. And we live in the prison of our own unforgiveness because what we cannot forgive we cannot let go of.

The greatest pain I ever encountered was pain inflicted by an individual who over a period of years caused huge emotional turmoil, caused me to leave my job and spread lies and untruths that were deeply hurtful. It was a situation that left me clinically depressed, deeply discouraged, emotionally wounded and my life dreams shattered.

From a human perspective, if anyone did not deserve my forgiveness it was this individual who had violated me so greatly in many ways. He did not deserve to be forgiven, nor did he ever attempt to make things right. But I was left with a dilemma. As long as I held on to the hurt and offense that had been committed, I could not move beyond the pain he had caused.

If, on the other hand, I was willing to offer what he did not deserve, my forgiveness, I could move beyond the prison of the pain, allow that chapter of my life to become a part of my history rather than my present and allow that history to contribute to my personal growth, future difficult people I encountered and mold my character. It is a dilemma all of us face when others have hurt us.

Forgiving this individual in my own heart was one of the hardest things I ever did. The pain he had caused was so severe. But, once I took that step, I was on a journey toward freedom from that pain, even though it took years to finish. Had I not taken that step I would still be imprisoned by bitterness and the memories. Today neither have a hold on my life and the experience has molded me in numerous ways.

When we choose to forgive we not only do what Jesus told us to do but we release the hold that those who have wronged us have on our lives. And, in releasing the bitterness and pain we give God the opportunity to redeem the pain by turning it into ways that God can use it in our lives and in the lives of others.

When we choose not to forgive, we continue to allow those who wronged us to affect our lives negatively (effectively they continue to have power over us) and we prevent God from redeeming the pain and turning it into legacy.

Ministry gives plenty of opportunities to forgive "each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Every time we do that we live as Jesus lived and a bit of grace falls on those we forgive. And, we free ourselves from the possibility of bitterness which will lead us into bondage. Life is not fair - and God often uses the unfairness of life to build our own character and legacy. The issue is not whether we have been treated fairly, it is how will we respond when it happens.

Take a moment and write down the names those who you have not forgiven. Are you willing to forgive them today so that you can live in freedom and allow God to turn their offense into a part of your life’s legacy?

Do we really comprehend and live out God's grace in our lives?

It is not by accident that the hymn, Amazing Grace is a favorite for so many. It captures so well the essence of what attracted us to Jesus,  redeemed us and it will indeed be something that we will spend eternity trying to comprehend. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:8-9)."


I am convinced that we will never fully understand the full scope of God's grace this side of eternity but that it must be something that we push into daily. The more we understand His grace in our lives, the more content we are in Jesus, the more grace we show others and the more we look like Jesus. He is the essence of grace and it was what made Him the magnet for people that He was.


Understanding grace is a life changer for us and for how we relate to others. Too often we are recipients of God's grace but are not students of what it means to extend that same grace to others. The legalism, conditional acceptance, interpersonal conflict and lack of love even in the church is evidence of the great need for God's people to grow in grace. Knowing truth is not enough for Christ followers. Living out truth with the grace of Christ is what will attract others to us and then to Jesus. Jesus came full of "grace and truth." Do we?


For instance, when I truly understand and live out grace:


-I no longer try to earn God's favor but understand that there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more and there is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. Therefore I can be joyful and content in my daily walk with Him.


-I do not feel the need to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but rather extend to them the grace God extends to me, pray for them and be patient with their faults as God is with mine. I am slow to judge, quick to think the best and remember how patient and gracious God is with me in my personal growth as I extend that same attitude toward others.


-I am able to forgive myself for my own shortcomings, knowing that God has already done that. My motivation to grown in my obedience is no longer about earning His favor but rather wanting to please Him out of gratitude for His amazing love.


-I forgive others quickly knowing that Jesus extends that gift to me daily. I cannot withhold from others what Jesus has so graciously extended to me. I don't give people what they deserve but what they don't deserve, just as Jesus did not give us what we deserve.


-I no longer look at people the way the world does but know that every individual I encounter has eternal value in His eyes and therefore must in my eyes as well. I go out of my way to love those that others don't love and to give value to those that others forget. 


-I don't display conditional love just as Jesus does not give  me conditional love. Unconditional love is the love of grace and it is an act of our will based on God's unconditional love for me.


-I love to surprise people with grace when they least expect or even deserve it. Just like Jesus with tax collectors, prostitutes, adulterers, lepers, and all those that were considered undeserving and worthy only of judgement. After all, God surprised us with grace when we did not deserve or expect it.


-I am not hard or harsh even when I need to bring correction to a brother or sister. Rather, my motivation is always love that comes out of God's gracious love in my own life. I display toward other the same graciousness that God gives to me daily.


-I love to encourage those who have messed up big time that God is not finished with them yet and that He can redeem their sin and give them hope and a purpose. After all, that is what God did for us. He is the hope for the broken, the guilty, and the hopeless. There is no person and no situation that God cannot redeem so we become evangelists of His hope.


There are many other characteristics of living out a life of grace. One of the most valuable things we can do is to regularly think about all of our relationships, attitudes, words and actions from a filter of God's grace to us. Reading the gospels regularly helps us to capture the secrets of Jesus' grace to inform us of what it means to live a grace filled life.

Giving up the need to be right

I like to be right. I'll bet you do to! And that need is the cause of many relational breakdowns, especially when two people both need to be right and neither will back down. If you are or have been married, you know exactly what I'm talking about.


Sometimes being right is important, when the issue at stake is high and will impact organizations and lives. Most of the time (95%?) the only issue at stake is our own ego and personal "needs."

Why do we need to be right? What would change if we didn't care if others acknowledged whether we were right or not? If we gave up that right what would happen? 


Many conflicts would be shorter or even non-existent. We would let go of issues quicker. We would probably be healthier and happier without the baggage of needing to be right. It may have something to do with not letting the sun go down on our wrath and forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave us. If we wait till others acknowledge we are right and in consequence they are wrong it can be a long ugly wait.


I'm just thinking of giving up the need to be right. It would solve a lot of problems. If you don't agree, don't tell me because then I need to decide if I'm serious or not.

When truth becomes toxic

We value truth in evangelicalism because our faith and practices are grounded in God's truth. Francis Schaeffer called God's truth "true truth" and without a doubt there is much that passes for "truth" today that is anything but.


Truth, however, is a bit like dynamite. Handled carefully it is healing and helpful, as Paul said "useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work (2 Timothy 3:16-17)." But, if mishandled, it becomes legalistic, a hammer that wounds, and hurts rather than heals. Especially when truth is applied without grace.


Jesus was all about truth. Jesus was also all about grace. The Apostle John says He was the perfect blend of grace and truth. Can you imagine what we deserve if God did not extend grace to us? Yet how often do we use truth without grace when dealing with others?


The account of the woman caught in adultery and brought to Jesus is a great lesson. The fact that she was guilty is clear by Jesus' words, "go and sin no more." Truth without grace would have said, "stone her." Grace said, "He who is without sin throw the first stone" and "go and sin no more." Of course, the guys who brought her to Jesus were not about grace, or actually truth for that matter as they conveniently forgot to bring the fellow she was caught with.


There are in the church men and women, like these fellows, who are self appointed theology and behavior police. Legalistic, moralistic and self assured of their right to point out the wrongs of others, using "truth" or scripture to push their agendas or make themselves feel good - at the expense of grace. Truth without grace is indeed a scary thing. The combination as seen in Jesus' interactions is a life changing paradigm. It is like the parable of the master who forgives his servant's debt only to have that servant go and demand payment from the one who owed him. Grace had been received but was not extended.


This is how the pharisees of the New Testament used truth. It was hard, harsh, devoid of grace and Jesus called them hypocrites because those who are most judgemental are most hypocritical as none of us can live up to standards of perfection. We are all in need of grace. 


Much conflict in the church and relationships comes down to a willingness to use truth at the expense of grace. It lacks the very patience, understanding, mercy and gentleness that God uses when He deals with us. The words may be truth but the attitude behind them has nothing to do with the attitude of Jesus. We are lucky that He does not do to us what we often do to others. I know churches with grace in their name whom are devoid of grace inside their own walls. This is when truth becomes toxic, damaging and harsh rather than healthy, healing and gentle. 


We are all guilty at times of allowing truth to become unhealthy because our attitudes toward others do not reflect the wonderful, gentle, caring, patient, merciful and abundant grace of Jesus. Handle grace and truth carefully and it is a beautiful thing. Mishandle it, and like dynamite it causes a lot of damage. As Jeremiah so aptly said in Lamantations, "Because of His great love for us we are not consumed (even though they deserved it)." Why then do we consume one another? Why do we so often choose not to extend to one another the very grace that God extended to us in Jesus? The short answer is sin. But when we extend that grace it is a beautiful thing indeed. Who in your life needs your grace?

Living in peace with one another

Peace is truly a lovely word. It indicates harmony and a lack of hostility, conflict or underlying tension. How much we wish for and pray for peace in our world - which we cannot control. But where we can largely control peace is in our own relationships. Paul tells us as believers, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18)." We all acknowledge that this is not always easy but it can become an intentional way of life if we choose to make it so.


Think of relationships within families, in congregations, and in the workplace. While we cannot control the attitudes and actions of others we can control our own. There are people who create conflict in their relationships and there are others who bring peace to relationships and don't get entangled with the conflicts of others. This is not a peace at any cost that chooses not to deal with real issues - but it is an intentional way of life that seeks peace and understanding wherever that is possible. 


By conflict, I am not thinking about differences of opinion or robust dialogue over issues that can be done without personal attack or hidden agendas. In healthy marriages, workplaces or among friends, there can be major differences that are expressed by self defined people without relational disconnect. What I am talking about is conflict that creates relational dissonance because we are dealing with individuals who cannot separate relationships from differences, who are black and white about the world and therefore create "us and them" situations which by definition destroys peace and creates division.


What practices contribute to living at peace with one another?


Don't get pulled into the dysfunctional relationships of others who thrive on conflict. Some people have to have an enemy in their life to fight. They actually create dragons they can go slay and create alliances with others against those dragons. The best thing we can do is stay out, keep our own council and not get involved. This is often true in family dynamics where the "family system" thrives on conflict between family members. Stay out of it and when necessary limit your exposure to those family members. The same family dynamics are often found in churches and again, it is wise to keep a distance from those who thrive on division.


Beware of critical people. Critical people create conflict. In fact their constant criticism of other people is a sign that they enjoy conflictual relationships (otherwise why be critical?). Gracious people overlook what can be overlooked for the sake of peace. Critical people are people in search of conflict.


Know what hills are worth dying on. Some but not many! If an issue is going to lead to personal conflict think carefully about whether it is worth raising.


Keep your distance from people who cannot separate differences of opinion from relationships. Healthy people are self defined. They are able to hold their own opinions and respect those who hold different opinions. Unhealthy people need others to agree with them and if they don't often assume that they "are not for them." This is pathology and you are unlikely to change it. Keep your distance!


When we choose to disagree, do it in an agreeable way. Conflict can be avoided by simply choosing to be agreeable even when disagreeing. Keep issues from becoming personal by speaking to the issue and avoiding personal attacks. Healthy individuals de-escalate conflict (a soft word turns away wrath) rather than escalating conflict. Healthy individuals seek reconciliation rather than division. 


Don't hold on to issues. Forgive, keep short accounts and never judge motives. When we let go we have a much greater chance at living at peace. Sometimes, choosing to live at peace is to realize that knotty issues will not be sorted out this side of heaven and we simply choose to forgive and move on so we are not held in bondage to the unresolved issue. We give up our right to "be right" for the sake of a peaceful relationship.


There are times when we cannot easily live at peace with others which is why Paul says "as far as it depends on you." We cannot control the attitudes and actions of others but we can control our own. It takes wisdom, intentionality, and a heart of peace to be a person of peace. 

Dysfunctional families of origin

At fifty five, I realize that I still am deeply impacted by my family of origin (what ever happened to growing up?). Our formative years are just that - formative and they stay with us forever. Some of us are more fortunate than others in our families of origin. Some bear great scars that still feel raw to this day. And, none of us grew up in a perfect family and my own children will deal with dysfunctions that I was responsible for. However,  there are three questions that I believe can help us see our lives in perspective.


One: What can I thank God for relative to my family of origin? Who we are today is in large part the result of our early years. My understanding of Scripture came from terribly early morning devotions, but those devotions informed my view of Scripture and of God. My love of people from all over the world came from the cross cultural experience I had growing up in Hong Kong and the amazing hospitality which my parents exhibited in welcoming all to our home. If I made a list (and it is a good idea) of the may blessings I experienced from my family of origin it would be long. 


Two: What do I need to forgive my parents for? No parents are perfect and their understanding of parenting is a factor of their generation, their spiritual place and their situation in life. I am the first to admit that my kids, Jon and Chip will need to forgive me for parenting mistakes, perhaps that I am not even aware of. Our own parenting skills are a mix of what we saw that we appreciated and what we experienced that was painful. At some point we need to forgive our parents for the painful just as our children will need to forgive us for the same. Ironically we are best suited to raise kids when our grand kids come along.


Forgiveness for the failing of our parents is critical to our own freedom and reflects our own humble evaluation of our own parenting. All of us are in need of God's grace and the grace of others. No parents did it all right. The sooner we forgive, the sooner we are able to deal with the scars we gained early in life.


Three: How do we see God's hand in our personal history? Our upbringing is a mixture of good and bad, happy and sad, levels of family dysfunction and for some, very deep wounds. However, it is an amazing thing to consider how God got us from there to here? How we can see His invisible hand in our personal history to mold us into who we have become and how he presently uses us. Only God has the ability to use both the good and bad of our past and redeem it for His perfect purposes in our present. Only He can change our human scars into divine scars usable by Him.


Ultimately we are not who we are primarily because of our parents but because of the faithfulness of God through our history. Think deeply how God has been present in your history, in your childhood, in all of the events of your life, bringing you to your present place and you will be encouraged. Whether we have much to be thankful for in our upbringing or the need to forgive much that was painful and hurting, the one constant is always the presence of a loving father who brings us to where we are today, redeeming the pain and using all of who we are to impact our world today. Whatever our experiences, God was there in their midst and the proof of that is where He has you today.


I am a far more humble parent than I was when my first son was born. I realize more clearly than ever my own brokenness and that realization helps me forgive the hurts from my own childhood. I hope my children do better than me but know that they deal with their own brokenness and in the end it is the grace and love of Jesus that makes the difference for all of us.

The High Cost of Forgiveness

Forgiving those who have offended us is an imperative that one simply cannot escape in the Gospels or the Epistles. So radical was the notion to many that they actually asked Jesus, "well how many times do we need to forgive?" and Jesus replied 70 times 7, which was His way of saying, "There is no limit!" Our example is Christ Himself...which does not leave any wiggle room as Christ has forgiven us all of our sin which in the end were offenses against Him and His holiness and continues to do so every day. So the parable of the unforgiving servant!


Having been married 35 years I have had many occasions to be forgiven by a loving spouse and to forgive. Hard as it is sometimes with those we love, we have a vested interest in both forgiving and being forgiven because we value the relationship as there is no joy in unforgiving relationships. So too with our family members and close friends.


It is also easier to forgive when we are asked to forgive - after all the one asking is acknowledging their wrong. It may not make it easy - depending on the offense and its consequences on our lives but the acknowledgement of being wronged certainly helps. 


The highest cost of forgiveness comes when we have been grievously wronged and there is no acknowledgement of the wrong. Accusations that are not true that go to our reputation, treatment that affects our livelihood and families, pain inflicted whose consequences will be with us for a lifetime in one way or another. Wrongs that even if acknowledged, cannot be taken back and impact us for years. Most of us have experienced situations like this. The question is whether we have paid the high cost of forgiving even when the cost is very, very high. Even when those we choose to forgive do not deserve our forgiveness.


Why pay the cost? First because we are told to by Christ who paid the cost for us. It is a Jesus thing to do and we are Jesus people. The world holds on to its offenses but we choose to forgive as He forgave us.


Second, there is freedom in forgiveness while there is bondage, anger and diminished joy in unforgiveness. As I write in When Life Comes Undone, "The only way out of the bitterness, the hold that the pain has on our lives, and the anger we feel toward those who hurt us is to choose to forgive them. Not for their sake but for our own sake. I don’t pretend it is easy, nor is it quick. But once we have made the decision and practice forgiveness, as the memories come back the hold of that pain lessens,and we are no longer hostage to those who hurt us."

I have often wondered why Jesus said we should forgive 70 times 7 times. Today I think I know. Because forgiveness is a process - especially for those egregious offenses that change the course of our lives and cause the deepest pain. I have been there and it took me years of repeated choices to forgive to get me to a place of freedom. In giving that number, Jesus is acknowledging how hard it is to forgive in certain cases. He is also acknowledging that it is often a process where we must choose forgiveness over and over and over. We don't do it for the sake of those who hurt us as much as we do it for our sake and to reclaim a life of wholeness. Forgiveness is an offensive move toward health when we have been wronged and when the evil one would have us choose a diminished life rather than life in all of its fulness.

There is legitimate and real pain in choosing to forgive egregious offenses. Every time we make the choice we relive the pain of the offense. Forgiveness does not mean that we "forget" (we won't), or that we stuff our plain (we shouldn't). At every juncture of forgiving again we acknowledge the pain and then make the choice to forgive. This is not pain avoidance but the opposite: it is allowing Jesus to help us work through the pain as we continually choose to forgive in spite of the pain.


We also choose to forgive because we know that God can take even the most painful situation and redeem it for His purposes if we choose faith over despair and freedom over bondage. Ironically, my greatest ministry has come out of my deepest pain. I could not conceive that in the dark night of the soul but today I see how God turned my human scars into divine scars and that my ministry has been deeply enriched by the very thing I thought had destroyed it.


There is no trait more like Jesus than that of forgiving the undeserving because that is what Jesus did for us (Matthew 18:21-35).

Sick churches and corporate repentance

It is a fact of faith that when we have engaged in sin, the price of moving forward is always deep repentance, and acknowledgement of our sin to Christ and a commitment to take on new practices. We understand this in the individual arena but what about situations where congregations have sinned. Can they move forward in strength without dealing with their sin and acknowledging that sin publically? I believe not.

In fact, I would suggest that there are many churches who have lived with sinful practices in their midst - gossip, unresolved conflict, negative attitudes, ill treatment of pastors, prideful boards, and you name it - who will never move into a place of spiritual health until they publically acknowledge the sinful practices, repent of them, commit to new practices and seek the forgiveness of those who have been hurt. 

Interestingly, these are the very things that have been key features of revivals when they have occurred. Coming clean, acknowledging failure and seeking forgiveness are hallmarks of spiritual revival. So why would we believe that we can move forward in congregations when such sin has occurred without the spiritual renovation that must take place first?

Why don't more congregations practice confession and repentance? I believe the operative reason is pride. It means that we have to admit we were wrong, that we have accepted sinful practices, that we hurt someone and public hurt must be followed by public acknowledgement and confession. Rather than do that, we would rather take the easy way and retain our pride. 

Years ago I was deeply wounded by a church I served. Years later the leaders asked to meet with me in private. They apologized for what happened but they never did so publically. Yet, the wounds has been public. They took the easy route which did nothing to heal the church nor to heal me. 

Daniel nine gives us a great example of public repentance for public sin. On behalf of the nation of Israel, Daniel pleads for God's forgiveness after enumerating the sins of the people. Public sin calls for public repentance. 

What is the price that congregations and church leaders pay for not being willing to repent of public sins? I believe that God simply withholds his blessing from them. God does not bless proud hearts but humble hearts. Public confession of public sins is a sign of a humble heart. Most congregations won't go there but those who do see God do extraordinary things.