Emotional Intelligence and the Holy Spirit

Daniel Goleman (a great author on this subject) did not invent EQ - God did. Emotional intelligence is all about managing our emotions so that they do not get us into trouble and allow us to keep healthy relationships. 

In that light, the Fruit of the Spirit, for instance takes on new meaning. "Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control." All of these would be considered good EQ! The acts of the lower nature (Galatians 5) would be considered bad EQ: fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy..and the like.

Think of some of the admonitions of Ephesians in this regard:

• Be completely humble and gentle
• be patient, bearing with one another in love
• Make every effort to keep the bond of peace
• put off falsehood and speak truth fully
• Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry
• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs
• get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.
• Be kind and compassionate
• Forgive one another

All of these behaviors are pleasing to God and all are signs of good emotional intelligence as we manage our emotions and reactions in ways that are productive rather than unproductive.

So think about this: Christ followers above all should have some of the best cultivated EQ because for us it is both a matter of obedience to Jesus and we have the Holy Spirit to help us make it a reality in our everyday experience. 

Good EQ is not a secular concept but a deeply biblical one. Growing our EQ is part of growing into who God designed us to be through His Holy Spirit. As a student of EQ in the secular literature and the Scriptures I am constantly reminded that EQ is a deeply biblical principle. 

Avoiding emotional triangles

One of the signs of healthy emotional intelligence is the ability to be "self defining" - having one's own view and opinion of situations and people without being "drawn into" the opinions or issues of others. Both emotional triangles and enmeshment are signs of poor EQ, whether by the one who does the triangulation or the one who is drawn into the triangulation.

For instance, it is not unusual for someone who has an "issue" with another individual to seek to draw other people into their "issue" by speaking ill of them (often subtly to first see if there is resonance) and looking for others to join them in their opinion. This makes the one with the "issue" feel better (they have others who now share their opinion) and it allies others with them against the one with whom they have an issue. It can be very subtle but the results are not!

This often happens in families, in workplaces, in ministries and in congregations. It divides people, hurts relationships and can cause relational chaos on a team or within a group. And it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence on the part of the perpetrator as well as those who choose to join the perpetrator.

Individuals with healthy emotional intelligence keep their own counsel on people and situations. They do not allow themselves to be drawn into alliances with others against others. They are able to think for themselves and understand that they are responsible for their relationships with both parties and they do not allow others to define those relationships for them.

In addition, they immediately recognize when someone tries to "draw them in" that what they are hearing is probably not reality - that there is a reason that they are being lobbied toward a certain view or attitude. In fact, rather than being drawn in, emotionally healthy individuals immediately recognize that they are dealing with someone with poor EQ and they are wary of the information they are receiving.

How can one deal with situations where one is being subtly lobbied to agree with one party against another (triangulation)?

First, understand that your responsibility is for your relationships and that you need to be "self defined" and come to your own conclusions about people and situations. Healthy self defined people do not allow others to define reality for them.

Second, realize that anyone who triangulates is not operating out of healthy emotional intelligence and rather than solve the issue they have with others they instead seek to ally others with them against those with whom they have issues. Think about the difference between those two approaches! Which would be the biblical approach?

Third, do not give sympathy to the one seeking to triangulate which only feeds their unhealthy practice. Instead, ask clarifying questions that might help them understand that their perspective may not be the only way to look at the individual they are unhappy with and encourage them to deal with the relational disconnect rather than to draw others into their issue. When we give sympathy in the absence of personal information we become complicit in the problem.

Fourth, ask who could meet with the one with the offense and the one who is being marginalized by the one with the offense to bring understanding and reconciliation. Their willingness to deal with their issue when called on it will tell you a lot about their real motives.

Don't get caught in the deadly web of triangulation. It is unhealthy, it destroys relationships and it hurts ministry. Furthermore it is a sign of poor emotional intelligence and the inability to be self defining.

What would happen in our churches if.....

What would happen if...

We challenged all of our college age kids to take one year to do some kind of holistic ministry either nationally or internationally?

We offered every high schooler an adult mentor who would meet with them, pray for them and encourage them?

We offered every newly married couple an older married mentor couple?

We told people that generosity with God was a joyful way to live?

We helped all of our people use their gifts in meaningful ministry rather than simply filling ministry slots we have created?

We encouraged ten percent of our congregation to give two weeks to ministry either locally, domestically or internationally every year?

We valued our seniors as much as we did our young folks?

We showed everyone how they could form their own prayer team to pray for them regularly and for them to be transparent with?

We encouraged every family to develop a relationship with a family from another racial group?

We asked every small group to do four compassion projects locally each year?

We focused on life transformation more than programming?

We did less programming so people could develop relationships with each other and unbelievers?

We read through the Bible as a congregation every other year - the whole thing?

We challenged people to see people as God sees them and love them as He loves them - starting with one another?

We became known for the church that loves people and helps them in practical ways?

What would you add?

Simple concepts - Powerful outcomes

Don't be stupid when hiring

When we are looking for staff we often do so with rose colored glasses. After all, we have a position and we find out that there is someone who fits "exactly" what we are looking for!

A word to the wise: Candidates never looked so good as when they are looking for a job and organizations never looked so good as when they are looking for staff! Which is a recipe for not doing due diligence and making stupid mistakes. Even many of the best have paid dumb tax on this one.

On occasion, when hires have gone really wrong I have asked those who did the hiring if they had actually talked to the former employers and inevitably the answer is no. Why? well the staff member did not list them as references or they were told not to talk to them. After all, whatever happened there was not relevant to the job they were being hired for. It is exceedingly nuts not to speak to former employers even if one chooses to hire in the face of a bad reference from them. Not to do so is to run a great risk of trouble that could be avoided if one had done so. 

Everyone has those who will be advocates for them. I am glad for that. But when hiring you want to know the unvarnished truth because you are going to get the unvarnished individual once you hire them for a job. Remember no one is as good looking as when they are looking for a job. So find out what you are getting after you offer them a job. And never neglect to talk to those they have worked for previously regardless of whether the candidate wants you too or not. While some may not give you much information the more guarded their response the more concerned one ought to be.

Also, never overlook character issues in the face of brilliance in some area. No matter how brilliant someone is (or appears to be), if there is a character flaw it will get them into trouble and therefore you as well. Once they work for you, whatever flaw that is will become a liability to you!

The more impressive someone looks the more diligence one needs to do to find out whether what you are seeing is healthy or not. Many of the most narcissistic leaders are the most impressive in presenting themselves. In fact, they are so blind to their own issues and so skilled at presenting themselves that those they are selling themselves to have no clue as to the dysfunction that is behind the mask. Make sure that what you see is what you are actually getting.

My own experience is that those we get into trouble with the most are those who present themselves the best. Real people are real when they present themselves. Those who sell themselves make me deeply cautious and the more I am sold the more skeptical I am. And the more exploring I do.

I would ask a candidate one other question: Is there anyone from your previous job that you need to resolve issues with - especially in ministry settings? If the answer is yes, it may be a clue that all is not well. I might even ask if I could talk to the individual for a reference to see what I hear. Until they are hired, you are in the drivers seat when it comes to references.

We like to think the best, especially when we need someone's skills. To put it bluntly: Don't be stupid when hiring. 

When ministries die

Nothing lasts forever and every organization has a life cycle that if not reinvigorated regularly ends at some time in it demise. This is particularly true of local churches that go into serious decline. But also for other ministries. It is not a bad thing and actually can be a good thing.

As Henry Cloud eloquently puts it in his book Necessary Endings, something must end for something else to begin. We face those necessary endings in our own lives and it is always the genesis of something new. 

I once did a church consultation with a congregation of about 30 existing in a 2 million dollar facility. While they were nice people there was no way that they were going to revitalize the ministry. I suggested that they close down and do a restart with a new group in a new location. Even though they had once been a congregation of 500 they wanted to know what evidence I had that they were not healthy.

When it is time to close down, celebrate what God did through the ministry over the years. While the ministry may not be vital now it probably was at one time and it leaves a legacy of changed lives and even though gone its ripples will continue in the people it impacted and those they in turn impact.

And if you can, gift what is left over to another ministry that is starting and you will see your legacy continue.

It is OK and often necessary to let a ministry die. From the ashes comes new life, new paradigms and new opportunities.

How do you know your vision is meaningful? Five questions

I am always intrigued by vision discussions. When I ask the question of a group of leaders regarding their vision I often get embarrassed smiles: either they don't have one or cannot remember it and must dig up some document that explains it. In one case recently I was given one that was two long paragraphs and therefore meaningless as no one could remember what was in it.

So how do you know when your vision is meaningful? 

First, is it directly connected with your mission and what you actually do? If vision and mission or vision and work are not connected it is not meaningful.

Second, is it short enough that everyone can remember it? If it cannot be put on the back of a tee shirt it is too long.

Third, does it actually excite people and inspire them to some meaningful action? 

Fourth, is it bigger than you? Vision that is easy to pull off is not vision. Vision is something that you must stretch for, and in ministry trust God for. 

Fifth, is it easy to communicate and do others get it easily and quickly? 

In ReachGlobal we are asking God for one million disciplemakers impacting 100 million people with the Gospel and 100 Acts 19 locations where the Gospel penetrates an entire city or region, not just a neighborhood. 

What is your vision?

Signs that we are not as humble as we think we are or try to portray

We all like to think we are humble and I have met some very humble individuals. I have also met many who think they have humility but whose behaviors would indicate otherwise. Before we take pride in our humility, think about these signs that we might have some work to do. Each of these is about "me" and the more we are about ourselves the less humble we actually are.

• I need to have my own way
• I don't like criticism or pushback
• I get angry easily
• I tell people what to do rather than ask questions
• Accountability irritates me
• I don't listen well
• I marginalize people who disagree with me
• Loyalty to me is a non-negotiable for  staff
• I feel that the rules don't always apply to me
• I blame others for failures and take credit for success
• I exaggerate my accomplishments and resume
• A good idea is my idea
• If necessary I will shade the truth to achieve my goals
• I have an inflated view of my gifts and an inadequate view of my shortcomings
• I treat others as a means to an end rather than with the grace and honor they deserve
• I rarely if ever apologize
• I will only resolve conflict if I believe it will come out in my favor
• I tell people what I want them to know and withhold information I don't want them to know
• I don't treat everyone with honor and respect

No guilt but a lot of opportunity

I recently returned from Kinshasa, the capital of the Democratic Republic of Congo. It is a nation that is the heart of central Africa. A country that has great natural resources but is a country rife with corruption, poverty, human rights violations (especially in the North East) and human needs that stagger the imagination.

I had the privilege of speaking to 78 denominational presidents and their vice presidents on the subject of transformation: How the Gospel transforms individuals, communities and institutions through the changed hearts of people. They were an amazing group who work in a very tough neighborhood. And they want to see Congo changed by the power of the Gospel.

During my time there I visited a place called the Tabitha center which takes impoverished and troubled young women, teaches them how to sew as well as life skills along with the hope of the Gospel. Started on a shoestring, it aims to open new centers across Kinshasa as God provides the funds. Once up and running it is essentially self supporting from the clothing that is made and sold.

I never come home from trips like this unchanged. By the world's standards I am a wealthy individual. I even have a house for my car! God has been incredibly good and I have the opportunity to share that goodness with those who are less fortunate.

It is easy to forget in our western world how blessed we are and how many needs the world has. It is easy to become immune to the massive needs of our world. But each of us can contribute in some way to change a few lives and share some needed hope. Each of the girls above have a story of hopelessness turned into hope. It does not take much and it goes a long way.

My encouragement is that we all share what God has given in ways that make a difference, for this life and for eternity. 

If you desire to help open another Tabitha center in Kinshasa, feel free to email Jim.snyder@efca.org for more information.

I can't figure this one out and I suspect Jesus is perplexed as well

I spoke to another long time friend yesterday who is looking for a new church. Not because he does not love his current church, or the pastor or the theology. This is what makes it so difficult for him. He does not want to go. He is being forced to leave because the music is so loud that it literally gives him pain. Yes he has tried the earplugs and such and has been told he can sit outside in the foyer which to him is like being banished. He and his wife are in great pain because of all the deep friendships and their long time church family. But they have concluded they have no choice.

What I cannot figure out is why we are so insensitive to a segment of our body that we cannot accommodate those for whom the music is way, way too loud. This friend has no problem with the style of music per se. He does wish there were alternatives for him and a whole group that feels that way in the church. But of course they are older and don't count.

This congregation has several services so it is not as though there are not options to do differing worship experiences, even if one is just acoustic. I know many many churches who provide different worship experiences for differing groups. It seems, however that this issues is not on the radar of many congregations and that because of that they are sending a strong message to many seniors and others who are not of the the loud band persuasion that they are not valued.

Of course it is driven by younger pastors for whom the music fits. What, I wonder will they think when their own ears start to change and they are no longer comfortable with the loudness and they become uncomfortable themselves. While this is not just an age thing, it is clearly a problem for many seniors whom our church youth culture and its practices is unwilling to accommodate. These are the faithful who have stuck in there for many years and in many cases made the church what it is today.

Most pastors I talk to about the issue blow it off. They just don't care. I would think that would perplex Jesus who cares for everyone. Our desire for numbers and success is sometimes at the expense of the very people who we should be ministering to. Marginalizing those who cannot take the loud music is no different that marginalizing other groups in the church - especially if the church has the ability to do differing worship styles.

I know this is not politically correct but think about it from Jesus point of view. I suspect He may be perplexed as well.

Resisting Gossip: Winning the war of the wagging tongue

We all know the damage that gossip can make. Finally there is a clear, simple resource for your church that deals with the insidious but common problem. I highly recommend this book for every congregation that desires to be healthy and Christ like.

My endorsement of the book sums up my thoughts: “Matt Mitchell tackles one of the most common, destructive but least talked about sins. While gossip destroys, Matt suggests alternatives to gossip that build trust and relationship and that are practical and helpful. Our words, good and bad, are powerful, and this book can be a helpful tool in prompting God’s people to consider their words, attitudes and practices. I highly recommend it.” 

View the trailer here.

$9.97 at Next Step Resources

Why frustration can be a good thing for leaders

Leadership frustration is not a bad thing. In fact, it is usually an indicator that something is up that needs attention. It is not unlike a fever when we get sick, an indication that something is wrong with our health. And like a fever, leadership frustration should also not be ignored. It is an important symptom that needs to be addressed.

Consider these four kinds of frustration.

Frustration with a staff member

Ongoing frustration with a staff member always needs to be addressed. It may be that they are in the wrong spot, have not been able to keep up with a growing organization, are not team players or have an attitude problem. Whatever the issue, that frustration cannot be ignored as it is a symptom of some kind of dysfunction in the system that if ignored has a ripple impact across the organization.

Frustration with decision making

When it becomes hard to make decisions it is usually an indication that the leadership system of the organization is outdated and does not reflect present realities and needs to be addressed. Permission withholding cultures create frustration while permission granting structures makes decision making and leadership a friendly experience. When it becomes frustrating to make decisions, you know that it is time to look at your systems.

Frustration with boards

When there is tension between senior staff and boards it almost always indicates a lack of clarity of roles between boards and staff. This lack of clarity can be addressed by policy governance but it does need to be addressed because while clarity may be the bottom line issue, it is easy to assume bad motives when staff and boards go sideways. 

Frustration and all is well

This is the most difficult frustration. Being frustrated when things are going well. Often this is an indication that we are no longer challenged in our leadership role. That may mean it is time to leave for a new challenge. It also could be that it is necessary to rethink our role and refashioning our job so that we are playing to our strengths and using our gifts to their maximum. Again, unaddressed, 

being underutilized impacts our own attitudes and happiness and therefore those who we supervise.

Frustration is a symptom. Don't ignore it, just as you would not ignore a fever.

The best ministry is relational.

It is easy to forget in a day of unprecedented technology - email, blogs, twitter and the like that the best ministry is relational - face to face. It may take longer but it is certainly more effective.

Think of the difference between Old Testament days when God communicated in various ways but rarely face to face to the incarnation when God, in the form of the Son, Jesus, came and dwelt among us. It was that deeply relational connection with Jesus over three years that prepared the disciples for their future ministry.

In our driven and out of control schedules we often miss the importance of relationship or even of face to face communication. Even in my world of having staff around the world Skype makes it possible to talk face to face where one can see one another, look into one another's eyes and read one another's faces. 

God is a personal God and we are in a personal ministry of representing Him. Given the choice choose personal communication and face to face over emails and impersonal communication.  

The future may not be what you think it will be. Check out these fascinating statistics regarding Africa. 

The amazing, surprising, Africa-driven demographic future of the Earth, in 9 charts

Unity among believers: It is often a higher value to God than it is to us

Jesus makes a profound statement in His high priestly prayer when he asks the Father: "Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one" (Jn 17:11). Think about that! He is praying that His followers would have the same unity as the Son and Father do! Contrast that with the reality we often see of disunity, division, conflict and bad attitudes toward fellow believers.

This plea for unity is echoed by Paul in 1 Corinthians and Ephesians notably. In Ephesians 4:1-6, Paul makes this a very practical plea to the Ephesian church spelling out the character qualities that make unity possible: "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

What makes unity possible? Humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another in love and an effort to preserve it.

The sad thing is that God's people often do not hold the unity of God's family in the same regard as Jesus does. Evangelicals are very quick to judge one another. Very quick to jump on bandwagons against other believers who don't agree with them on some point or to make assumptions about others without getting the facts (and no, just because it is on the internet does not mean it is true). And very quick to gossip in ways that bring disunity rather than preserves unity.

The bottom line goal is given to us by Paul. "Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." If we all made that effort, the prayer of Jesus in John 17 would be realized more often.

Your best leadership decision can backfire if....

Making the right decision as a leader is always our goal. But in some ways the decision itself is the easy part. The hard part is running a process that will make the decision a win rather than a liability. Many great decisions run aground because of poor process.

Process involves a number of key pieces, any of which if not addressed can cause your direction to backfire.

• Have I consulted all the key stakeholders who will be impacted by the decision that is being made?
• Have I developed a guiding coalition of people who can and will support the decision and help explain and commend it to other?
• Have I considered the unintended consequences of the direction that is being considered?
• Have I carefully laid out a process of communication, explanation, dialogue and the sequence of who needs to be told when?

Many leaders suffer from impatience to get something done and in their strategic bent make great decisions that end up badly because they did not run good process. Remember that by the time we have come to a conclusion we have processed the issues but those who will be impacted have not. We need to run process twice as leaders: Once in our own thinking and then again to help others get their hands around it as well. 

Good ideas gone awry usually do so because of poor process. And once they go awry they are harder to do the second time because of the poor taste left in the wake of bad process.

A ministry creed

Ministries talk a lot about their unique philosophy of ministry - the things that drive how they do what they do. But have you considered your philosophy of how you work with other ministries? 

ReachGlobal's approach can be summed up in two phrases: "It is about the Bride, not the brand," and "We don't own, control or count anything as ours." Unlike the business world where there is much that is appropriately proprietary, the ministry world is all focused on the same thing: Making the Gospel well known.

Because it is about the Bride (the church) not the brand (my brand of the church) we can and will cooperate broadly with others who are both missional and evangelical. We do not allow the small differences in theology to keep us from working with those, like us who want the Gospel to penetrate our world. Nor do we assume that our brand has a corner on the truth. In heaven there will be no brands except a Jesus brand!

With the declaration that we don't own, control or count anything as ours, we willingly give away everything and anything we learn along the way, want to be generous in helping other ministries and will never control our ministry partners. Who owns it all? Jesus! We want to make His name well known and His reputation great. We live in the spirit of unity that Jesus prayed for in John 17. It is a great place to live.

Have you thought deeply about your ministry philosophy as it relates to other ministries? We opt for being a ministry of humility and service.

What is your gold standard?

A distinguishing difference between organizations that do exceedingly well and those that are average is that the former has a Gold Standard that defines who they are, what they do and what the results of their work should look like. There is great clarity which is known and lived out by all employees.

The Gold Standard reflects the deeply held aspirational values of the organization. It includes clarity of mission, guiding principles, knowing what must be focused on day in and day out and the culture it is committed to creating. Without such a Gold Standard, there is no clearly focused missional agenda that brings alignment, ignites passion and keeps everyone moving in the same direction.

I am not referring to those ubiquitous documents that reside in dusty binders – the work of the obligatory five year strategic planning. We all know how effective most of those documents are. I am referring to a Gold Standard that is known and personally held by leaders as non-negotiables for the organization and communicated all the time to all the staff. Every staff member from the senior leader to the building engineer should understand, know and be able to communicate that Gold Standard.

The Gold Standard brings clarity to the aspirational values of the organization. I have written elsewhere that the first most important job of a leader is to provide maximum clarity to his/her organization or team about what is important to the organization. The second most important responsibility is to see that there is alignment around that clarity and the third most important responsibility is to see that there are results on that clarity.

But it all comes back to an articulation of what that clarity is – the Gold Standard for your church, your team or your organization. Without clarity you can be good at some things but you will never be great. My rule is that if you cannot communicate your clarity on one page it is too complicated and will not be remembered. Ministry is complex, complexity is confusing so your Gold Standard simplifies your complexity into an easy to understand, easy to articulate one page picture of your clarity.

Those who have read Leading From the Sandbox know that the organization I lead uses a sandbox metaphor and picture to communicate our clarity. With one picture we can visually communicate our Gold Standard. 

There is no more important work for leaders than to do the hard work of identifying your Gold Standard. That Gold Standard becomes the glue that holds the organization together because it communicates who you are, where you are going, your non-negotiables and the results of your work. It is your true north, the directional arrow, the goal and the target. In the process it aligns your people in a common direction and helps focus the organization on what really matters to you. Get to clarity and you have a shot at greatness.

Organizational culture. Are you satisfied with the default culture or have you created a preferred culture?

Every organization has a culture. In the vast majority of cases that culture is simply a default culture because leaders have not created a preferred culture.

Organizational culture is the combination of its people's attitudes, practices, relationships, leadership style and values. Think about the implications of those five areas. When healthy they reflect a good place to work but when unhealthy it can be toxic. Culture matters a lot.

Default cultures are highly problematic because they simply reflect the aggregate character and practices of those in it - good and bad. They reflect the habits of the organization. The problem is that while there may be many good things about the people and organization, there are also unaddressed habits that hurt the organization whether in attitudes, practices, relationships, leadership style or values.

Transformational leaders do not settle for a default culture. They intentionally create a culture that reflects the health they want to see. Organizational health is after all the key to organizational success in the long run. It is also the key to retaining and attracting the best people. By far, the culture a leader creates is an indication of their true leadership commitments.

My book, Leading From the Sandbox can help you think through how you create an intentional culture rather than settling for the default culture. Choose transformation over accidental when it comes to culture.

Pray for believers in Egypt

Once again, Christians are caught in the cross fire of conflict in the middle east. With the recent ouster of the Muslim Brotherhood from leadership in Egypt the Brotherhood has turned its wrath not only on the military and anti Brotherhood parties but against believers. Over one hundred churches have been destroyed and the businesses and homes of Christians have been targeted as well. And that is only what has been reported officially.

Unfortunately this simply displays the real agenda of the Muslim Brotherhood which is not "democracy" but the establishment of Sharia Law and the cleansing of Egypt of "infidel" believers. Just as there was an exodus of believers from Iraq in the aftermath of the war, many predict the same will happen in Egypt unless the Muslim Brotherhood is contained.

Egypt is a central country in the Middle East and the presence of Christians there is critical to a gospel witness in the entire region. Please pray for their safety and for peace and stability in Egypt for all people.

The difference between excellence and perfectionism in ministry

Have you ever considered the difference between excellence and perfectionism? There is one: a big one.

Excellence in ministry is something which we owe God. He is worthy of our very best and how we carry out our ministries is a reflection of Him. This applies to our ethics, our integrity, our truthfulness and our programming - it applies to all that we put our hands to. In fact, if a ministry cannot be done with excellence I question whether God is calling us to do it. Doing ministry with excellence is focusing on Him and wanting to throw a spotlight on Him.

But then there is perfectionism. Consider Wikipedia's definition of the word. "Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding other's evaluations."

Everything about that definition screams that it is about me, not about God. It is wanting to look good, please others, live up to my own of others (perceived) standards and in the end to throw a spotlight on me rather than on God. That is why Christian leaders who demand perfectionism often show anger when something is not done to their standards. The anger comes from the fact that they (not God) have been let down. They have a need to look good and when it does not happen they show it.

When we demand perfection in ministry (an unattainable goal) who are we trying to spotlight? Excellence spotlights God. Perfectionism spotlights us. Something to consider.

We are here to throw a floodlight on God

For  all of us there is always the question as to who the floodlight is on. Us or God?

It is not as simple as it might seem because it is easy to think we are serving God while allowing the floodlight to fall on us and liking it. Even thinking that we deserve it. After all, cannot we be the star and let Jesus be the star too? Our celebrity culture in the church would think so as we willingly make heroes out of ministry leaders. 

Not so: We are here to throw a floodlight on God and Him alone. He is our creator, savior, redeemer, father, transformer, salvation, hope, counselor, empowerer and goal. All that we are is from Him and for Him. We owe everything to Him. There is nothing we are or have that does not emanate from Him. Therefore it is never about us and always about Him.

Jesus is the hope of the world and each of the seven billion souls on our planet. The more we throw a floodlight on Him, the more hope our world has. We are here to throw a floodlight on Him!

What is your congregation's spiritual Klout score?

Those who are tech savvy know about Klout. It is designed to rate your online clout by measuring your influence on things like Facebook  blogger, twitter and such. It is an interesting concept although I suspect that many with very high Klout scores may spend a bit much time on line.

But it got me to thinking about the spiritual Klout of congregations in their communities. How does a congregation deepen its influence for the Gospel and its influence with unbelievers? It is worth thinking about and perhaps reminding our people because the church exists in large part for those who are not yet in it as God's chosen instrument to reach our world.

What gives a congregation spiritual influence? First, the number of authentic relationships its people have with those not yet in God's family. Almost all conversions begin with authentic relationships so those congregations who place a significant priority on relationships with unbelievers find they have higher numbers of conversions.

Second, the commitment to prayer for our unsaved friends, relatives, neighbors and co-workers. It is the Holy Spirit that causes hearts to turn toward God and the commitment of our people to pray regularly for their unbelieving friends is deeply significant.

Third, the desire of our people to live out the Gospel in the venues where they live, work, play and relate. Small acts of kindness, concern for others, authentic conversations - just being like Jesus with those around us in an intentional way.

Fourth: Finding ways to bless our communities with acts of service for which we receive nothing in return. Serving the needy and praying for and working to bless the communities in which we live. This includes programming that speaks to the needs of families, those in recovery and other felt needs.

Spiritual influence (Klout) does not happen by mistake. It is an intentional commitment to influence those around us with the magnetic, compelling, healing love of Jesus. It is a discussion worth having in your congregation for the advancement of God's Kingdom in your community.

Church boards and church culture

From the archives

I do not believe that most church boards understand the direct correlation between the health of their relationships and practices as a board and the health of relationships and practices within the congregation. Generally speaking, there is an almost one to one correlation between how a board does relationships and behaves and what happens in the congregation itself. To put it directly: The congregation takes its cues as to what is acceptable behavior from its leadership.

I once worked with a board that was not unified over an important decision – even though the board had made a decision. Because this board did not have a covenant of behavior, several board members who didn't agree with the decision continued to bring their issues up at the board level. And, they shared their views outside the board meeting so the lack of unity on the board spilled over to a lack of unity as a congregation – a situation that could caused the congregation great pain in days that followed.

Here are some issues for boards to consider that directly impact the congregation as a whole.

• Do we encourage candid discussion in board meetings but once a decision is made all support that decision in all settings?

• Do we keep board discussions confidential?

• Do we resolve personal differences quickly and biblically? 
• Do we have a covenant of how we work and relate to one another and deal with board members who violate the terms of that board covenant?

• Are we able to set personal agenda’s aside for the health of the church and are we able to set our pride aside and support the decision of the group even when it is not the one we would have made?

• Do we have a culture of spiritual dependence in our deliberations?

Boards must understand that their commitments and behaviors will be mirrored in the congregation as a whole. To the extent that they are healthy they are likely to have a healthy congregation – or the opposite if unhealthy. The health of your church is directly related to the health of your board.

If you serve on an unhealthy church board I would encourage you to speak up and name the elephant in the room. Don't simply accept poor board behavior because in doing so you are hurting the very church that you are called to lead. There is too much silence in too many church boards over too much problematic behavior that directly impacts the spiritual health of the congregation.

Grace can be irritating and inconvenient

We all love grace when we need it, and we need a lot of it. At the same time, there are times when we are called to extend grace in difficult circumstances where we would rather wash our hands of a mess that someone has created and be done with it. Certainly society can be very unforgiving – and the workplace the same.

Christian organizations and the church dance to the tune of a grace filled Lord which means that there are times when we are called to clean up messed up lives and give people a way toward greater health when they have made a mess of them. It is often not our first choice, it is often thankless work and we do it for one reason only: God extended grace to us and we are to extend grace to another.

It is easy to abandon people who find themselves in trouble of their own making. After all they created the mess, why should we help them get out of it. That line of thinking works until we realize that Jesus stepped into our mess when we didn’t deserve it. He did the hard thing of joining us in our mess and dying to redeem us and our mess. Not one person would be in relationship with God without Him doing the inconvenient and paying the ultimate cost.

This does not mean that grace is easy. It is not easy for those who extend it. And for those who need to receive it there must also be truth (Jesus was full of grace and truth). Truth requires those in trouble to take ownership of their sin and situation, be honest with themselves and others and do what they need to do to see inner healing and restitution where necessary.

In fact, part of the burden of grace extenders is that they also must help individuals who often don’t want to face the full burden of their mess to see what is true and confront what is in their hearts. These are hard conversations and there are many who fight the process, want to circumvent the full truth and simply move on. Grace extenders must be truth tellers and willing to go back and back and back if necessary and insist on transparency.

Not everyone responds to the combination of grace and truth but grace without truth is hollow and truth without grace is harsh. Only the one who needs grace can decide whether they will take it. We cannot force it. They must decide to embrace it – along with the path toward wholeness and restoration. To run from grace is foolish but to face the truth one must humble themself – a bridge too far for those whose pride is larger than their willingness to face truth.

Extending grace can be irritating (why did they do what they did?), inconvenient (Now I must deal with someone else’s mess), difficult (I must confront and hold another accountable) and time consuming (there is never a good time for a mess). But in the end it is far less than what Jesus did and does for us and that is the reason we extend the unmerited, undeserved favor of grace.

Slippery truth and its signs

From time to time I run across people who I start to realize are slippery with the truth. Behind a veneer of spirituality and Christian words they have the ability to spin any situation in a way that makes them look good and which justifies their actions, even when those actions are clearly problematic.

Slippery truth is nothing less than lying and if you do it long enough it is possible to no longer even realize that one is not being honest. The habit turns truth telling into spin and that spin is so ingrained that the one doing it starts to believe their own distorted version of truth. It actually becomes truth to them because they not only convince others but themselves of their version.

What are the signs of slippery truth?

First when explanations over time do not square with the facts as you know them or are used to justify unwise, dishonest or self-serving actions. Those explanations may be framed with sincerity and even spiritual language but your gut says that the truth has been reframed for personal reasons.

Second, when what is communicated is consistently that the individual is right and others are wrong. Or, that your interpretation of events and actions is faulty and theirs is correct. It is spin to exonerate self by the refashioning of truth.

Third, when clearly serious issues are downplayed as insignificant or unimportant and explanations given that are clearly meant to minimize what others would consider serious. Minimization of what others consider serious ethical or moral issues is a definite sign of spin to justify otherwise problematic behaviors.

Fourth, when an individual tries to simply talk himself or herself out of an otherwise clear moral or ethical bind. Some people think that if they talk enough, long enough and from enough angles that they can avoid accountability for their actions.

These behaviors become deeply destructive over time because they start to become truth for the one practicing them, hence my name slippery truth which is not truth at all. Second, the habit of engaging in slippery truth and can turn into pathological lying. I know a few of those and they are or have been Christian leaders. Third, these behaviors fuel narcissism because they are designed to protect the self at the expense of others and truth becomes whatever is convenient and helpful to the individual, which of course is not truth at all but dishonesty.

The Scriptures have a great deal to say about truth. God is a God of truth. Jesus came in truth and grace. Dishonesty in any form is anathema to God (see Proverbs and the Psalms). Furthermore, the center of a healthy life is one that is undivided and the only route to an integrated inner life is a life of truth. The Devil is called the Father of Lies. For those who may be tempted by slippery truth they need to understand that it is a path of the evil one while truth is the path of God.

Don’t be fooled by people who exhibit slippery truth even if they are considered church leaders or ministry leaders. Slippery truth is dishonesty plain and simple. We ought to call it for what it is and treat it for what it is: a lie.

Don't pick a fight where there isn't one

I was in a meeting recently where someone kept pushing on a certain issue they were passionate about which was not the focus of the meeting. They were trying to push a personal agenda and finally the moderator said "Don't pick a fight where there isn't one." 

It was good advice! There are people who have deep convictions or hobby horses on specific issues and want to create controversy among others so that they adopt there view. The truth is, I can respect the views of others without needing to agree with them or endorse their ideas. It happens all the time.

All of us have issues we are passionate about. It is not necessary that we push our convictions on others which often creates conflict. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one! We can live out our convictions without insisting others agree with them. My convictions are mine, yours are yours and sometimes they overlap and other times they don't - at least as non-negotiables. When Paul says to try to live at peace with all men he is encouraging us to be peacemakers rather than creating controversy.

I find that when people seek to pick a fight over an issue they are often black and white folks who cannot understand that people can have a range of views on the subject. Or that others can have different views and be completely rational people. And even love Jesus. Share your convictions but don't insist that others agree with them. Don't pick a fight where there isn't one.

Eating your teeth

"Eating your teeth" the ultimate expression of frustration in the African language of Lingala. It is used when there seems to be no way to get things done or because it is taking forever to do so. It is one of the best descriptions of the frustrations that local church leaders often face when their governance structure is not designed for effective and timely decision making. And, it is not necessary.

We often forget that our church governance structure should serve our mission rather than the mission serving our structure. It always amazes me when we choose to live with antiquated governance structures that create difficulty in delivering on ministry which has eternal implications. What may have worked at one stage of a church's history often does not work in another. Yet we are slow to adjust leaving frustration behind.

Jesus designed the church to be the most organic, effective and flexible institution on the face of the earth. We often allow it to become institutional, inflexible and relatively ineffective. But it need not be that way. We choose whether our structures will serve our mission and therefor Christ's mission. We choose whether we will organize for greatest effectiveness. We choose!

There is no need to eat our teeth. 

Signs of good and bad EQ

Emotional Intelligence (EQ), is the ability to understand ourselves, know what drives us, accurately understand how we are perceived by others, and understand how we relate to others. EQ measures whether we have the relational skills to work synergistically with others while being ‘self defining’ and allowing others to speak into our lives or work without defensiveness. Many of the actions, responses, attitudes and relational tendencies relate to our EQ. Healthy leadership therefore requires healthy EQ since leadership is all about relationships and people. One can lead from a position of authority with poor EQ but one cannot lead through deep influence without healthy EQ.

I believe that we pay far too little attention to issues of EQ in the hiring of leaders, building of teams or in our own lives. There are many brilliant individuals whose poor emotional intelligence leaves havoc in their wake. Poor emotional intelligence on the part of leaders is the major cause of relational and leadership issues. It is an issue every leader needs to pay close attention to. Those who do not end up hurting their leadership and the organization they lead. Several key issues of EQ stand out for leaders.

Consider these signs of poor EQ

• Defensiveness
• Inability to resolve conflict or negotiate differences in a healthy way
• Lack of empathy and understanding leaving people feeling hurt
• Marginalization of those who disagree with us
• Narcissism, where it is all about “me”
• A need to get our own way
• Control of others rather than empowerment
• Inapproachability by staff, volunteers or board members
• Use of spiritual terms like “God told me” or “spiritual warfare” to shut down discussion
• Lack of flexibility and ability to negotiate issues for a win/win solution
• Holding grudges and lack of forgiveness
• Inability to play on a team
• A history of relational problems with people one has worked with
• Lack of sensitivity to how actions, behaviors or words affect others
• Personal insecurity
• Inability to be self defining while maintaining good relationships
• Attitudes of cynicism and mistrust toward others
• A poor understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses
• A victim mentality where we are the victims and it is always someone else’s fault when conflict occurs
• Seeing the world in black and white where there are good guys and bad guys and not much in between leading to the demonization of others
• Needing to be popular
• Becoming enmeshed in other people’s issues
• High personal anxiety over aspects of my job
• Saying one thing to one individual and another thing to others

Consider these signs of good EQ

• I am approachable and have a nothing to prove, nothing to lose attitude
• I seek to resolve conflict quickly and well
• I am self defined but always leave the door open for dialogue with those who disagree and work to keep the relationship
• I live with self confidence but not hubris
• I am highly flexible
• I seek to understand myself well including, weaknesses and strengths and the shadow side
• I ask others for feedback on my behaviors
• I am a team player and value “us” more than “me”
• I work very hard to understand others and put myself in their place
• I don’t hold grudges and extend forgiveness easily
• I don’t need to be popular but I do desire to be respected
• When conflict occurs I take responsibility for my part
• There are no issues that are off limits for my team to discuss
• I am patient with people and always give them the benefit of the doubt
• I have a sense of humor about myself and don’t take myself too seriously

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

I just wish someone would listen

I am currently staying at a hotel in Kinshasa, Congo, a sprawling city of some 12 million people. My hotel stay has been both a blessing (running water, electricity, a toilet and air conditioning) and a lesson in patience (worst internet service ever, marginal food and terrible service).

The service thing! What is that? It seems to be non-existent in my hotel. That I am paying to stay here seems to staff a privilege rather than the right to expect service. 

The other day I needed TP which had not been restocked by the maid cleaning the room. I made three calls to the front desk with them telling me each time it was on the way. When it never arrived I went down the front desk in person, told them I was not leaving until the TP arrived and just waited. The front desk guy calls the general manager of the hotel (I guess it takes his OK for everything) who OK'd the TP. Three hours of frustration and no one cared. Time after time I have been told that something cannot be done.

Another thing. The guy who runs the hotel is Chinese (like many enterprises in Congo, the hotel is owned by a firm in China) who doesn't speak French and the folks who work in the hotel don't speak Chinese so communication is a constant issue. And of course almost no-one speaks English notwithstanding the fact that they have contracts with the US Embassy and the UN. All of which means that getting a problem explained from English to French to Chinese back to French and back to English is well - a recipe for major frustration. The guy who actually runs security for the hotel (a big deal in Kinshasa) has to speak to the General Manager through an interpreter which seems just a mite bit scary. I'm thinking the US Embassy would not like that scenario.

So I could go on but will forgo my other issues like the day it took all afternoon and conversations with eight people to get a room change. (Yes it came down to the GM in the end. He must be a really busy guy because it is a big hotel.) But I found myself really wanting to just talk to someone who would listen about the frustrations I had. I tried numerous times but everyone seemed to shrug their shoulders and say sorry and do nothing about it.

Then riding up the elevator last evening I met a guy from France who runs the hotel's restaurants and told him my list of woes about the service in the hotel. This guy (Angel) stayed on the elevator until he got to my floor, listened carefully, apologized profusely and told me the inside story. Evidently I was not the only one who experienced frustration and the GM who had to be called to give me TP was just yesterday dispatched home and a new GM has arrived to whip the place into shape.

The fact that I found someone who would genuinely listen to me, respond non-defensively and really care - and told me to call him if I encountered any more issues evaporated most of my frustration.

Which got me to thinking about a principle. When people are frustrated for whatever reason, if there is no one to listen and dialogue that frustration can turn into anger, bitterness and untrue assumptions. I see it in churches all the time. But when a leader will sit down and genuinely listen, be non-defensive and genuinely want to understand it makes all the difference in the world. You may or may not be able to solve the problem but listening and understanding is half the battle.

Until Angel came along, no one listened or seemed to care which caused frustration. His listening and and non-defensive attitude made all the difference. A lesson for all of us. Next time I have a problem Angle is my phone call rather than the front desk. And he does speak English. 

Oh, now I know why I should have paid attention to my French classes in Junior high. But I guess it is too late.

Growing our leadership effectiveness

For those leaders young or mature who desire to grow their effectiveness - and the need for growth never diminishes as long as we are leading - here are some suggestions.

Spend time with other good leaders
It is amazing what even excellent leaders learn in dialogue with other good leaders. In fact, it will rub off both ways. Really good leaders are really good thinkers and I always learn new insights when I am around other good leaders. 

Reflect often
Leaders are busy and busyness robs us of the opportunity to reflect on critical issues we are facing. Simply slowing down for a day or a season so that one has time to reflect will harvest many ideas that would not otherwise come.

Stay focused
The best leaders do a few critical things well and don't allow themselves to be distracted by the ancillary or urgent in place of the important. One of the benefits of reflection is that it allows focus. Lack of reflection leads to lack of focus. Put on paper those truly important things for you to pay attention to and keep that in front of you.

Know what your big rocks are
There are big rocks, little rocks, pebbles and sand. For leaders, the majority of their time needs to be on the big rocks rather than the place that many leaders gravitate too. It is part of staying focused.

Think future
Leaders must lead their team or organization into the future. That means we need to be identifying the way forward. No one else will think of the future for us. Again time for reflection becomes critical.

Don't ignore threats
Effective leaders have a radar for threats to the health of their team or the success of the organization. Often threats are not pleasant but the more effectively they are addressed the better the future. This is an area of needed growth for many.

Read selectively
Maybe ten percent of what is on the market in the leadership arena is worth reading. Swap articles and blogs with other leaders you know that will stimulate your thinking. we are looking for that one good idea that is worth applying - in our way.

Lead from who God made you to be
God wired and gifted us uniquely. The more we understand our own gifting the better we will lead - if we are willing to lead out of those strengths. We can never lead like someone else. We can learn from them but we must lead from who God made us to be. The more we understand us, the better we will lead.

From the archives: Life as a journey from brockeness to wholeness

There are many ways of looking at the journey of life but I am convinced that one of the most important is seeing it as a journey from brokenness to wholeness through our walk with Jesus. One of the ironies of age is that the older we grow the more cognizant we are of our own sinfulness and inherent brokenness. That in itself is a great blessing because it sets us on a path toward the kind of life wholeness that Jesus came to bring. 

One of the most encouraging things Jesus said was that he had come so that we could "have life and have it to the full." The New Living Translation puts it this way. "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." Jesus desires to enter into our brokenness and bring wholeness - in all areas of life and in all those places where our own fallen nature and sin has brought pain or lessened the joy of life. 

We often look at our sinful tendencies with despair, knowing how often we fall into them and hurt ourselves. Jesus, however, looks at them with hope - the hope that comes from knowing that He came to lift us out of that misery and lead us to a life of greater and greater satisfaction in Him as we cooperate with the Holy Spirit to move from sinful tendencies to righteous tendencies. Jesus is under no illusions as to who we are by ourselves. He has a high and amazing view of who we can be - and are - through His redemption of our lives:

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory (Ephesians 1:11-14)."

We need to start seeing ourselves as Jesus sees us and in response to his high and exalted view of who He has made us to be, press into those areas where we still live with brokenness and work with Him toward greater wholeness. It is not necessary to live with the disappointment of our brokenness. Rather we can see life as a journey with Christ toward wholeness and do our part in putting off those things that hold us back and put on those things that are like Him and will lead us forward. 

Let's get practical: What is the one thing God has been talking to you about regarding your need to move from brokenness to wholeness? Are you/we willing to focus on that one thing for the next month and allow Him with your cooperation to take the next healing step of your journey? 


There will be a day when we are completely whole - when we see Jesus face to face. The greatest gift we can give to Him and to ourselves until that day is to keep walking from what we were to what God created us to be. It is a journey of hope, healing, anticipation, ever increasing joy as our hearts become more like His heart. Remember we were made in His image and while that image was compromised by sin, He came to reclaim us and His image in us.

Seven internal threats to any ministry organization

Every organization faces threats to it's existence and future health. Leaders are often aware of external threats such as funding and the effectiveness of their ministry. We often spend less time considering the internal threats that lurk and threaten the ministry's future, whether under our tenure or our successor's tenure. These threats are often more dangerous than external threats.

Lack of clarity 
Few threats are more dangerous that a lack of missional clarity. Diffusion of focus means that different leaders within the organization will choose their own focus leading to multiple agendas and the resulting silos within the ministry. This is a serious threat because it divides the ministry from within. Many well meaning but disparate agendas cannot substitute for a clearly articulated vision, mission, common guiding principles, and clearly delineated culture.

Undefined DNA
Every organization has a culture, a DNA. Unfortunately, many have multiple cultures which means they don't really have one culture. This is not only confusing to staff but differing cultures will bring division and conflict within the organization. Ironically, it is something that we can control and create if we choose to.

Overlooked behaviors
Especially in ministries but in many business settings, we overlook behaviors that are toxic to the health of the organization. Either we don't want to lose the person (in spite of their behavior), don't want to deal with it (conflict avoidance) or just become used to it even when it is destructive to others and ultimately to the organization. When we overlook unhealthy behaviors we allow those behaviors to sabotage the organization and we send a message that such behaviors are OK.

Lack of a leadership bench
This one is very dangerous. The test of great leadership is not what happens when we are leading but when we leave because it reveals what we did or did not leave behind. The most important thing we can gift the organization with is the next generation of leaders. Not only is it dangerous to ignore this but it is selfish because someone will inherit what we leave behind.

Inadequate focus on real results
All organizations are busy with a great deal of activity. The question, though is not whether we have activity but whether we have results based on our clarity (see above). Most ministries assume that the results are good but do not have a realistic mechanism for ensuring that they actually are. Remember, activity does not equal results. It may just equal activity.

Poor staff development
Every organization says that its people are its most important asset but many do little in the way of coaching, mentoring and developing. To not place significant and intentional emphasis on what truly is your most important asset is to rob your staff of becoming all they could become and to shortchange the impact of your organization.

Lack of focus on healthy teams
Organizations are made up of groups and those groups are either healthy teams or dysfunctional teams. Aligned, results oriented healthy teams working synergistically together under good leadership are the building blocks of a healthy and productive organization. Unless there is health at the team level there will not be health at the organizational level.

The good news about internal threats to our success is that we can do something significant about them. We cannot control external threats but we can contain internal threats.