The use of "normalizing conversations" to de-escalate conflict in relationships

There are many things that can introduce conflict or awkwardness into relationships: disagreements; words spoken; actions or even second hand conversations that come back to us. It can cause us to back away from a relationship, suspect that others don't have our best interests in mind and create an invisible wall between two individuals. It happens in families, among friends and in the workplace - anywhere we have key relationships.

This is where normalizing conversations come in. Rather than live with our perceptions or assumptions about where the other individual is coming from, or the awkwardness that has been introduced into the relationship, normalizing conversations can clarify and remove relational walls that have been created. It is a courageous decision we make to seek peace, clarity and understanding by candidly talking to another about the events that have transpired.

Unaddressed issues between individuals create walls and distance while discussing those issues can remove those walls and bring parties closer together.

A normalizing conversation is very simple. It is taking the step to initiate a conversation in order to understand one another and remove the invisible wall that has been created by words, actions or assumptions. Choosing to initiate a conversation with another to clarify issues and create understanding  is a courageous and peacemaking practice. And too rare.

A normalizing conversation is not a confrontation but a conversation. It may or may not result in agreement but it can result in understanding. Because you have invited the other individual to be candid with you as you are with them, it removes future awkwardness in the relationship even if you did not come to agreement. It is simply a conversation to "normalize" what has become problematic.

The major barrier to such conversations is our own fear. In my experience, our fear is usually unfounded and we find the other party relieved to be able to lower the walls and understand each other. Even if the conversation is hard, it opens up the ability to communicate and creates greater understanding and that by definition almost always lowers the relational walls. It is about calming the relational waters.

Five simple principles for governance in churches and non-profits

Governance systems in churches and non-profits are often antiquated, discouraging, and massively complicated. The result is that it is hard to make decisions, know who is responsible, ensure results, and create accountability. The result is that the return on mission is significantly compromised.

There are five simple principles that should apply to any governance system. You can also measure your own governance against these five principles and determine if there is reason to rethink how you do governance. Often, systems that work in one season do not work in another.

Keep it simple

There has been a tendency to make governance systems complicated because we are afraid that someone will make a poor decision. The real result is that you have to make decisions more than once, with multiple parties making for a complicated and time-consuming process.

Keeping it simple means that:

• There is only one board
• Decisions do not need to be made by multiple groups
• The decision-making path is clear and understood
• Decisions can be made in a reasonable time

Keep it clear

Clarity means that everyone knows who is responsible for what, that there is no overlap or ambiguity in responsibilities, and that individuals and groups know their responsibilities and the limits to those responsibilities. Clarity is particularly important between those things that are delegated to a senior pastor staff as opposed to areas that are the responsibility of the leadership board. When that clarity is not present, there is confusion at best and conflict at worst. In congregational government, the congregation often signs off on items such as the sale and purchase of property, changes to the by-laws, the calling of a senior pastor, election of the leadership board the annual budget. Again, there should be clarity on what goes to the congregation and what does not.

Keeping it clear means that:

• Everyone knows who is responsible for what
• There is no overlap in responsibility
• Decision-making pathways are always clear

Keep it empowered

Empowerment means that those who are responsible for certain areas also have the authority to make decisions for those areas. If the Senior Pastor or nonprofit leader is given responsibility, he/she should also have the authority to act. The same for those areas under the purview of staff. This is not about turf but about the ability to make effective decisions in an efficient manner. Keeping it empowered means that those who have responsibility have the authority to act in those areas

Keep it accountable

One of the reasons that clarity is so important is that ambiguous governance systems (where multiple groups are responsible for a decision) make accountability for decisions equally ambiguous. Any time an individual, group, or board has responsibility and authority, they must also be accountable for the outcome of their decisions. Empowered governance means that those responsible can act within their scope of responsibility but always with accountability for the results of their decisions.

Keeping it accountable means that:

• Those responsible for decisions are also accountable for those decisions
• All actions should be consistent with the mission of the organization

Keep it focused

Our focus must first be on Jesus and then on the mission He has given us. Mission drift is endemic in churches and Christian non-profits because leaders have not done the work they need to do to keep the most important things most important. 

This also means that we are committed to alignment around the priorities and direction we have committed ourselves to. All directional arrows of all ministries and initiatives should be pointed directly at the bulls-eye of our mission and vision. When they are not, we have lost focus!

Ways that organizations inadvertently compromise the quality of their services

Almost every organization I have worked with would  say that they are committed to quality work internally and quality services externally but often the reality does not live up to the goal. This is particularly true among non-profits but it is not only resident there. Often it is the result of several overlooked factors that inadvertently compromise the quality of their work.

One of the first things that comes to mind is that of poor hiring methods. When we hire without doing do diligence to the qualifications of the applicant or the skill fit we often end up paying a steep price later. There is an adage that says "hire slow and fire fast" and it has great merit to it. Many organizations don't realize the bottom line impact poor hires have on them. First, unqualified individuals do not make the organization look good. Second, it takes more unqualified individuals to get the job done than one highly qualified individual. Thus there is both a financial and service quality variable in our hiring practices.

In addition when we choose to compensate below the fair market value of a job we drastically reduce the number of qualified candidates who will consider working for us. Here is the irony.  We end up hiring more individuals to do a job than we need because we got what we were willing to pay for. So in an attempt to save money in salaries we actually spend more money than we needed to. This is particularly true with churches and Christian non-profits but it can be found in the for profit sector as well.

Another common mistake is to pay too little attention to the Emotional Intelligence (EQ) of those we hire. Even highly competent individuals can hurt the organization if they exhibit poor EQ. They can hurt others on the team internally and create issues with customers externally. Considerable attention ought to be given to the issue of an individual's EQ in the hiring process as well as in ongoing education in this area. For more on Emotional Intelligence see "Signs of good and bad EQ."

Finally, in the desire to save money, some organizations do not provide the necessary tools to staff to get their job done efficiently. This can be training, technology and software or the necessary ongoing mentoring. It is unfortunate that the investment already made in these staff is lost when they either choose to leave or cannot fulfill their job with excellence because of the neglect of their supervisor.

None of these actions are meant to hurt the quality of an organizations work but all do so inadvertently. My philosophy has always been to hire slow and well, pay competitively, give staff the tools they need and have as few staff as necessary. You can do that with the right staff.

The characteristics of a self defined individual

Even though we often don't want to admit it, it is far easier to swim in the currents of other people's ideas and convictions than to have our own. This is why boards, for instance often don't deal with sensitive topics. No one on the board wants to state their own convictions if it causes discomfort to others. Group think can be the bane of any group that works together. It is simply easier to adopt the viewpoint of the group rather than rock the boat with a viewpoint that might be different.

The problem with this is that it is not healthy and it deprives us of the ability to think for ourselves and hold our own opinions. Healthy people are self defined. They have their own opinions and convictions and are willing to share them even when it goes against the crowd. It may cause disruption to the comfort of the group but it challenges the prevailing group think and causes others to think more deeply. It is also far more honest and authentic than simply going with the crowd.

Self defined individuals think deeply and while they take in the perspectives of others they come to their own conclusions. Because of this they are often the ones who raise the hardest questions in a group as they are not party to group think.

What are the characteristics of a self defined individual?

• They know who they are in terms of strengths and weaknesses
• They think deeply about issues and come to their own conclusions
• They are not afraid to share their opinions even when it goes against group think or conventional wisdom
• They listen to others and evaluate their opinions but in the end they make up their own minds
• They are not afraid to be who they are
• They are not intimidated by the opinions of others even when there is a clash of ideas

Three truths Isis does not understand as they seek to "break the cross."

 

Isis has just released a 45,000 word missive telling Christians to break the cross and join their Islamic state. It claims that Jesus will soon return to do the same because Christians have made Him into something he was never meant to be. In reality He is a "slave to Allah." If Christians will not break the cross, the Islamic state will - in acts like the murder of a Catholic priest in Normandy last week.

Their acts are meant to put fear into the hearts of Christ followers. But here is what Isis does not know.

One:  The evil one thought he had won the battle against God when Christ was crucified. What he did not count on was the resurrection of Christ. At that moment every principality and power of this world was defeated and all they can do until Christ returns is fight a losing battle. Neither Isis or any other group will ever break the cross.

Two: When the church is under persecution it expands rather than contracts. Mao thought he could eradicate the church. What resulted is the largest church in the world. In Roman times, the rulers thought they could eradicate the church but three hundred years after Christ, Christianity became the official faith of the Roman empire. As Tertullian wrote, "The blood of the martrys is the seed of the church." Every time Isis tries to eradicate Christianity more people come to Christ. It is a losing battle. Again to quote Tertullian, "The more you mow us down, the more numerous we grow; the blood of Christians is seed."

Three: While evil can prevail for a time it ultimately loses and is judged by the God of the Universe. History is His story and His will is the only one that will ultimately prevail. He is the beginning and the end! The alpha and omega. There will be a new heaven and earth and Christ will reign over all.

As Christ followers we need to keep these three truths in mind as we watch the news and rather than live in fear we ought to live with the conviction that Christ is growing His church and that He will ultimately prevail.

Eight practices that will lead to a life of greater serenity and peace

Our world can be characterized by out-of-control schedules, lack of rest, frenetic activity, and little margin. Yet our hearts long for peace and serenity. We cannot change the frenetic pace of our world, but we can choose to live in peace and serenity ourselves. Here are eight practices that can lead to a life of greater serenity.

1. Places of refuge. These are places where our hearts feel at peace and where we can slow down. For me, it includes a study in my home that has no television, is filled with books, and a comfortable couch. Whenever I enter, I feel a special peace come over me because it is a place of peace. It may also be a stream where I can fly fish in solitude. For all of us, it will be different, but identifying those places of refuge that we can go to regularly will help us negotiate what is otherwise a busy existence.

2. Time with Jesus. Out-of-control schedules or even the typical challenges of our lives lead to anxiety and personal stress. The best place to leave our anxiety and stress is with Jesus, who told us that he can bring peace to our souls. Who does not long for peace? Psalm 23 says, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." It is a picture of rest, quietness, peace - in the presence of God. But none of that happens in frenetic activity. Only in quietness and time with Him.

3. Quiet reflection. The art of quiet reflection is time without distractions to think deeply about our lives, God, or situations we face. Reflection demands times of peace and quiet: Television off; radio silenced; cell phone muted - maybe soothing music on. I write this blog in the peace and quiet of an early morning, one of my favorite times to reflect and think.

4. Special friends. I am thinking here of friends who bring peace and joy to our lives and fill us emotionally. This is not your average friend. Many friends are needy and drain us. There is a time for those friends, but not when we are needing peace and serenity. These are friends who encourage us, accept us, love us, and allow us to be who we are in their presence without pretense or expectations. Too often, in our busyness, we do not nurture the most important friends who can bring peace to our lives.

5. Good books. Well-chosen books can help us relax, reflect and grow. It is why my personal place of refuge is lined with them. One need not be a prodigious reader for this to be the case. Even a few pages or a short chapter can stimulate our thinking and reflection. Books help us stretch our minds and offer perspectives of others that can change our own perspectives.

6. A journal. Journaling is a practice that can bring greater peace and serenity to our lives. It allows us to record insights we gain in our times of reflection. The simple act of writing those insights down dramatically increases our retention of them. It allows us to have a record of our personal growth. It allows us to be more reflective in our prayer lives as we write out our prayers from time to time. It forces us to think more clearly and reflect more deeply. It is worth the effort even if we are not naturally writers.

7. Interludes of prayer. These are times during the day when we intentionally reconnect with Jesus in prayer. For instance, my cell phone alerts me on the hour, every hour during the day. When it does, I silently engage Jesus about whatever I am working on or the meeting I am in. It reminds me to be present with Jesus, it reminds me to check in with Him, and it reminds me to bring the events of my day to Him. They are hourly check-ins with the only one that can ultimately bring me peace of heart and soul.

8. Learning to be present. How often do you find yourself mulling on a problem or anxiety when you should be concentrating on a conversation, a work project, or playing with your kids? Being present means that we are mindful of what we are doing at the moment and truly focused on that rather than focusing on other things that distract us from being present in the moment. Being present means that we are fully "there" in whatever we are doing. It also prevents us from being "elsewhere," which is usually a problem or challenge that we should have left with Christ rather than carrying it around with us. The hourly reminder from my cell phone not only reminds me to check in with God but to check in with myself to see if I am present in the moment.

A life of peace and serenity does not happen by itself but comes from healthy practices in our lives. It is a beautiful place to live and something that we can grow in regularly.

Giving immediate feedback to problematic behaviors

One of the critical roles of a supervisor is to give feedback to team members on behaviors that are not professional or that reflect poor EQ. The purpose of that feedback is not to shame or be punitive but to help staff members understand how they come across to others and be a mirror to them on blind spots they are unaware of.

For instance:

• A staff member gives a report for 15 minutes that should have taken three.
• A team member tends to interrupt others in a meeting or talk too often and too long, monopolizing the conversation.
• An individual becomes reactive or defensive when their idea is challenged.
• There is an attitude of arrogance or cynicism that comes through.
• A member disengages from the meeting when they get bored.
• For signs of good and bad EQ see this blog

All these and many other behaviors hurt the others involved, hurting the offender regarding influence and relationship. It is easy to note these behaviors but ignore them because we don't want to have what we perceive to be a complicated conversation. Yet, if we don't provide feedback, who will?

And the conversation need not be difficult. It can be as easy as, "Will, can I share feedback on how you handled the discussion with Mary today? It felt like you became defensive with her, and it had the effect of shutting her down. Were you aware of that?" And a conversation is started. Chances are that Will had no idea how he came across and how it impacted Mary.

When repeated offenses like this occur over time, other staff members often wonder why the team leader has not addressed the irritant in the meeting. And they have a right to be unhappy if the team leader does not address such issues. And it does not help the one doing the offending.

The best feedback is immediate - or as soon as it is possible to give it - in private. The events are fresh, and people can remember the circumstances. It need not be confrontational or uncomfortable but to the point and done with grace for the good of all involved.

Motivation and its impact on vocation

A fundamental variable between those who see success in their work and those who don't is the presence or absence of meaningful motivation. Meaningful motivation in vocation is driven by a deeper drive than a paycheck. That may suffice for a time, but ultimately, we need a reason to give ourselves to our work that transcends money and goes to a desire to please God in all that we do: to worship him through our work as the ancient religious orders practiced.

Seeing our work as an act of worship eliminates the unbiblical distinction between the sacred and the secular. With God, all is sacred: prayer, vocation, relationships, family, rest, and all that makes up our lives. But it is also a great motivator. If whatever we do for a living is done for the King of Kings, and if it matters to Him, how does that change our view of work? Ultimately, we work not for ourselves or our employer alone but as an act of worship to God.

If my work is an act of worship to my God, I will give the very best that I have rather than the least I can get away with. And it matters not whether we are white collar or blue collar. In fact, God is not impressed by our credentials. He is pleased when we see our work as sacred and an act of worship of Him. If we were made for Him, then all that makes up our lives is given to Him in worship.

This puts to rest the distinction between ministry positions and secular callings. There is no first and second bench in God's economy - just His bench. All of our vocations are callings, all are acts of worship, and all are done in His name. Every vocation is service to God, not just those who have been to seminary or serve the church. And that includes those whose work is in the home!

This Biblical view of life and work ought to cause all of us to look more carefully at how we view our work, and it should motivate us to do the very best that we have to give every day.

No is a complete sentence

Many of us struggle to say no to the expectations and requests of others even when we know that we don't have the time, interest, or energy to fulfill them. It is perhaps why our lives often feel too busy and our energy too depleted. Yet without saying "no" to some things, we cannot say "yes" to other more important things. Seen in this light, our "no" when necessary, is a positive and necessary word.

Each of us has a call on our lives. Yes, we can do many things, but sometimes those many things keep us from doing those things that it is essential for us to do to realize our calling. I think of what I do in these four quadrants: What I could do, what I won't do, what I must do, and what I shouldn't do. These are designed to help me determine what I must say yes to, what I must say no to, and those areas that fall in between depending on schedule and availability.

When we choose to say "no," we often feel as if we need to explain ourselves, which indicates that we are feeling guilt over our decision. It is not necessary. "No" is a complete sentence that does not require us to explain why or to justify our decision. A gracious decline without explanation is a stronger answer than an explanation as to why we are saying no. If we feel an explanation is necessary, something like this suffices well:

"I appreciate the request. I regularly evaluate opportunities against those things that I know I am called to do and, therefore, need to graciously decline your request. Thank you for thinking of me."

While "no" is perceived as a negative word, it is actually a very positive word because it allows us the opportunity to do those things that are most important to us. No one accomplishes great things without saying no to many lesser things. It is a "boundary" word in our lives that indicates that the request is outside our present priorities. Therefore, to say "yes" would be to violate our most important priorities. Seen in that light, "no" is a necessary and very positive word.

Dangerous and hurtful assumptions

"If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don't tell us something we make assumptions to fill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don't understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions.  We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions."

Miguel Ruiz

"And if you insist on continuing to make assumptions about my character, I'll advise you only this: assume you will always be wrong."

Tahereh Mafi

Every one of us has been the unwelcome recipient of assumptions made by others that were false. Yet ironically we do it to others as well. Unfortunately, assumptions are usually wrong, especially when it comes to motives behind actions that we find objectionable or things others have told us about another individual. And because they are often wrong, our view of others is often misguided and also wrong. I would suggest the following practices when it comes to assumptions made about others.

First, before we assume, we ought to ask the individual involved. It is enlightening to have a first hand conversation rather than to make assumptions (that are usually wrong to some degree or another). There is nothing wrong with asking and it might save us a relationship if we do.

Second, be wary of second hand information. All of us have a grid through which we see others and if the grid is wrong we will pass along untrue information or perceptions. And, where there is rancor involved, others have a vested interest in painting the worst possible picture rather than objective information. It is also true that the one passing it along does not have all the information themselves. It is amazing how much more quickly we grab onto negative information about another individual than we do positive information. It is our fallen nature.

Third. if you don't have all the information think grey. Understand that there is usually more than one side to a story and knowing that you don't have all the facts resist drawing rigid conclusions. Things are not always what we think they are. We ought to be circumspect in our thinking and comments.

Fourth, if you don't need to, don't share negative information about others. Scripture calls this gossip. Bad news spreads quickly and to the extent that we fan the flame we are guilty of gossip. And, if we don't have all the facts we may be guilty of worse - reputation assassination.

My assumption is that we would want others to practice these principles with us. Let's therefore practice it with others.

What is God doing in your life?

Why leaders have an obligation to deal with situations when there is not a good staff fit

Perhaps one of the hardest responsibilities of leaders of teams or organizations is to deal with situations where there is not a good fit between a staff member and his/her role. What makes it hard is that it requires candid conversation with the individual as well as the effort to find a role that is a better fit in your organization or in another. Many of us don't like to have those conversations. However, supervisors have a real obligation to deal with these situations for reasons I will delineate below.

First, to leave someone in a job fit that is not good is a disservice to the individual involved. Almost always a poor job fit also means the individual involved is not happy or fulfilled. At some level they probably know the fit is not right and while they may not want to confront it for reasons of job security we don't do them a favor by allowing them to stay in a place that does not fit them. As one leader said to me recently about a staff member who needed to move along, "She won't like it in the short run but a year from now she will thank me for doing it." We are stewards of others and as such we need to act when necessary.

Second. When there is not a good job fit, others are impacted! Other team members are always negatively impacted by an individual who is not a good fit for their job. To ignore the issue is to disempower the rest of the team. Saving ourselves the discomfort of a potentially difficult conversation leaves other staff having to deal with the poor fit of one of their colleagues. As stewards we cannot do that.

Third, our own leadership credibility is at stake when we ignore these issues. When leaders ignore known issues they lose credibility with their staff who are also aware of those issues. Staff have a right to expect their leaders to have the best interests of the team in mind and to act accordingly. If we ignore issues out of our own discomfort we lose credibility with our staff.

We must deal with these situations with care for the individual involved. But we cannot ignore it.

Good leaders focus, notice but don't always fix

Good leaders are always focused - on a few critical areas that if they do not drive themselves the organization will not thrive and move forward. This is not as easy as it sounds. First one has to determine what those few critical areas are. Second, it takes a great deal of discipline for leaders to focus and not be distracted by many lesser things that need to wait so that the critical issues are addressed. It is their job to determine what those issues are and then to focus on two to three at a time.

The discipline of focus is a critical component of a leader's skill set. They naturally see many things that need to be addressed and the temptation is to do many things at once. Not only does it not work but it drives staff crazy who need to deal with the many things a leader might want to fix or do differently.

This does not mean that leaders do not pay attention to many things. They are constantly paying attention to what they see, hear or discover. They are naturally curious and asking questions. They have many conversations with staff to discern what is happening. But - and this is critical - they are able to assimilate a lot of information without automatically trying to fix what they find. 

Why? Because it is not their job to fix everything but to focus on a few key things. Second, they bide their time until they have a chance to explore their findings or observations with the appropriate individual without being controlling or micro managing. It means they are willing to think grey on some issues until the time is right to address it in a way that does not violate others or take on their responsibility. 

Good leaders:

• Focus on a few critical things
• Notice what goes on around them
• Think grey on lesser problems
• Wait for an appropriate time to address lesser problems with those who are ultimately responsible

For most this will be a skill that is learned and not innate. But it is a critical skill if the organization is going to grow.

Advice on travelling safely in today's world from a CIA operative

This CIA Operative's 11-Step Guide to Safe Travel

Putin crosses a line - bans Russians from preaching the Gospel outside churches. From Joel Rosenberg's blog.

Putin crosses a line — bans Russians from preaching the Gospel outside churches. Here’s the latest from Joel Rosenberg's blog.

7 reasons it may be time to leave my job

Nothing stays the same forever, which is often true of our jobs. If anything, we stay longer than we should because it is more comfortable to do nothing than consider a new challenge. However, there are seven reasons why it may be time to leave our jobs - for another job in the same or a different organization.

1. I am no longer in my area of passion. 
Over time, being out of our area of passion will erode our joy and effectiveness. We can operate in this zone for a season, but it eventually will catch up to us. 

2. I have accomplished what I set out to do.
This is particularly true for individuals who are change agents and need the challenge of fixing something. Once the change has been accomplished or the project finished, it is time for a new challenge.

3. I am in fundamental conflict with the direction of the organization.
There are times when organizational leaders take an organization in a direction fundamentally different from our own convictions. One can make one's thoughts known, but if that does not work, it may be time to find another place to use our talents rather than live in continual conflict between what is and what you believe should be.

4. I am unempowered in my work. 
Few things are more frustrating than a lack of empowerment. It means that we cannot use our gifts and creativity but must constantly get permission, modify our plans, and live with the control of an unempowering leader. 

5. I am bored. Boredom can be a symptom of several things on this list, but it cannot be sustained in the long term if we are going to keep our edge. Boredom is a warning that something is not right in our occupation.

6. Leadership has changed, and I was closely tied to the old leadership. 
This is always a risk for senior leaders as Executive Pastors, for instance, know all too well. New leaders often want to bring in their own team and may ask for a resignation or simply marginalize those who previously had influence. The bottom line is that there is not the same trust or opportunity, and for someone who values these, it will be frustrating to stay.

7. The team or organization I am with is deeply dysfunctional. 
Again, this can be tolerated for a season, but if there is no hope for long-term change, the dysfunction limits our ability to maximize our gifting, and there is a significant loss of Return On Mission. In addition, organizational dysfunction can rub off on us in ways we don't appreciate.

None of these mean that the organization we are with is not a good one. They simply indicate that we may not be in the right place to maximize our gifts and impact. But they should not be ignored.

Accepting the reality that relationships change

What is hardest to accept about the passage of time is that the people who once mattered the most to us wind up in parentheses.
John Irving

What Irving is alluding to is that relationships and friendships can change over time and even recede into the past, leaving us feeling sad, disillusioned or even angry. What we need to remember is that relationships can last for a moment, a season or a lifetime. It is the nature of friendships and our lives.

Friendships or relationships that last a moment are those that come and go relatively quickly, often forged in a time of crisis or need where someone comes alongside us or we them. The patient in the hospital for cancer treatment bonds with another fellow pilgrim. The office mate who is helping us on a project forges a relationship but it is for a specific project and purpose.

Seasons of friendship are longer. When I pastored I forged some strong friendships but they were primarily for that season of life. I moved, another pastor came and although I stay connected to a few on Facebook the friendship, genuine as it was is not the same. Likewise, in my thirty years in the last organization I served I had many seasons of friendship with people I served alongside. But again, except for a few, the relationship changed, as is natural, when I left.

Those of us who are very lucky have friendships that last a lifetime. I call them "friends for life" and they transcend circumstances, location and even differences of opinion or life stage. We treasure these friendships the most because they reflect a long investment in one another's lives.

We often grieve when friendships die or move on. That is the nature of relationships but it does not take away from what we had or how our lives were changed in the time or season that our lives intersected. Most friendships will be a parenthesis in our lives but that does not mean they are not important parentheses. As relationships change we should remember the ways in which that relationship helped us during a period of our lives.

Who we are has been impacted by every healthy relationship we have had over the years whether for a time, season or lifetime. We are changed by our interaction by others and we in turn have had an influence on them. Some relationships do not weather stormy events of life and that is OK. It does not diminish the mutual impact that relationship had on us. In some way we were enriched and enriched others. And ultimately we must hold all relationships with an open hand. We change, times change and relationships change.  It is the nature of life.

Too often when a relationship ends we feel diminished or abandoned. We should not. We are no less whole than when the relationship was vibrant. We are simply in a different time or season. It played the role it needed to play and we are now free to pursue other relationships for this season in life. New beginnings come out of endings. In those transitions it is tempting to hurt others in our own hurt but we ought not burn bridges. It is not necessary and it diminishes what once was.

I keep a mental checklist of friendships that once were and how they impacted my own life. I am grateful even when I sometimes experience sadness that what once was is now over. Mostly I am thankful for how others impacted my life and enriched me if even for a time or a season.

Learning to disagree and remain relationally connected

Being able to disagree with another individual and remain relationally connected is a unique skill that gives one greater influence. Too often, we allow different opinions to separate us from others, which limits our influence and creates unnecessary conflict. Unfortunately, when two people disagree and allow their differing opinions to create division, others often line up behind one or the other, and the result is a division of many rather than of two. Thus, learning to disagree and remain relationally connected is even more critical if we desire to be people of peace.

Fundamental to this skill is the ability to separate our opinions, however strong, from relationships. Ideas and convictions are things that define us as us. They allow us to be self-defined people rather than defined by others. Self-defined individuals understand who they are, what they think, and what their convictions and values are. However, just as they do not allow others to define them, they do not insist that others also agree with them. They know who they are and allow others to be self-defined as well. 

For many, agreement on issues is the basis of a relationship. But this is a fragile basis for any friendship or working relationship. First, because there will come a time when there is a major disagreement that will compromise the relationship. Second, it does not allow both parties to be self-defined. Usually, it is the dominant individual who will define the relationship with weaker individuals simply agreeing. Third, this kind of relationship fundamentally ignores the healthy boundaries of self-definition that allow individuals to be who they are rather than to be what someone else is. Finally, it does not respect the opinions of others but requires them to agree with us. In this respect, there is not the humility to allow others their own convictions.

Collegial relationships should be based on mutual respect, common interests or goals, and the conviction that we need one another to achieve the best outcomes. It should not be based on the need to agree with one another all the time. If I can separate my convictions from the ability to remain relationally connected, I can retain the ability to stay connected, have influence, and keep others from taking sides and dividing the group. 

In my own consulting, I make it a high priority to stay connected to those who might disagree with my recommendations. I want to unite others rather than divide them. And I want to remain connected whenever possible.

Before you write new policies, ask these questions

It is always interesting for me to look at the policy manual of organizations I work with. I am  not a fan of any policy that is unnecessary - which applies to many of them. Too often policies are written in the aftermath of a foolish action by an employee and rather than dealing with the individual concerned a policy is written that now pertains to the whole organization. 

Writing a policy does not keep people from doing unwise things. Sometimes you have to do remedial work with those who skirt the edges. In fact, writing policies for everyone because of an individual's bad decision breeds cynicism rather than respect. In addition a conversation with staff around a topic can be far more meaningful than a new policy promulgated in the policy manual. And less intrusive.

Policies are meant to be channel markers on non-negotiable practices that protect the organization and promulgate fairness. Organizations should make it clear that they expect employees to use common sense, protect the organization and one another in all of their actions. If there is not a commitment by a staff member to these three things they either need remedial help or don't belong in the organization. However, writing new policies to ensure compliance is rarely helpful and often counterproductive.

Before you write a new policy ask these questions:

• Is it truly necessary or are we trying to solve an issue through a policy rather than a conversation with an individual?
• Is this a topic that is best a conversation with staff or does it need to be a policy?
• Are we making it clear to staff that we expect them to use common sense, protect the organization and one another in all their actions?
• Will this policy generate cynicism among staff or will it make sense to them?
• Do we annually have a conversation with staff around all policies so that what is written is understood and lived out?
• Have we vetted the policy with key staff members to understand how it will be interpreted and responded to.

Our personal joy and happiness are always a matter of focus

There is one critical difference between those people who live with great happiness and those who live with great unhappiness. The former focus on the blessings in their lives while the latter focus on the deficits in their lives. It is a matter of focus and it makes the difference between a life of joy and a life of unhappiness.

Our personal happiness is not dependent on our life circumstances. It is dependent on our focus. Having travelled the world and met people who live in extreme poverty but who know Christ I am always amazed at their joy. In conversations they tell me about all the blessings they have because of Jesus. I meet other believers who have all the material blessings who are deeply pessimistic about their circumstances. Regardless of our life situation we always have a choice as to our focus: A focus on Jesus and His blessings or a focus on ourselves and our problems. Our focus will determine our level of joy and happiness.

Those who choose to focus on their situation and problems will never be truly happy because there focus is in the wrong place. Think about the Psalms David wrote. They deal with real life but time after time David refocuses his mind on the blessings of God who is our rock, our fortress, our protector, our provider, our healer, our Savior and the list goes on and on. Even in the depths of personal despair David kept his focus on the One who could bring happiness, joy and was the source of his life. David's life was far from easy for many years, yet he retained a positive outlook by focusing on God and His blessings and provision.

When we focus on our problems and circumstances we put the source of our happiness into the hands of life which will surely disappoint. When we focus on Jesus and His blessings we put the source of our happiness into the hands of the only One who can truly give it. As the Psalmist says, "I pray to you, O Lord, for the time of your favor. O God! In your great kindness answer me with your constant help. Answer me, O Lord, for bounteous is your kindness; in your great mercy turn toward me. I am afflicted and in pain; let your saving help, O God, protect me. I will praise the name of God in son, and I will glorify him with thanksgiving."

One of my regular habits it to journal. I am frank and honest in what I write. But I find myself reflecting often on the blessings of God in my life and it changes everything when I focus on the many blessings He gives on a daily basis. It is all too easy to miss those blessings when our focus in in the wrong place. Focus on Him and we see His blessings. Focus on ourselves and we miss them. Every day we have a choice. And it is a powerful choice.

The spelling of personal success

I saw this notice yesterday in a store I visited and was immediately struck by how much of our definition of success is dictated by our culture and how little by both common sense and Jesus. The other thing that struck me was how often we don't evaluate our own assumptions and definitions. It is why this blackboard is so striking. It visually shows what happens when we do and in doing so causes us to pay attention.

I took the time recently to rethink my own definition of success. It is an exercise that is worth doing. Think of the broad categories of your life and then consider what you really believe success looks like. You may, like me, find yourself crossing some things out and writing a better definition. 

For those whose marriages did not turn out the way they anticipated

Life often does not turn out the way we thought it would and this is often true in marriages. If you are struggling in your marriage this is a powerful, powerful song by Casting Crowns.

Broken Together by Casting Crowns

Terrorism and missions

This has been a banner year for terrorism around the world from Syria to Turkey, Paris, Orlando, Bangladesh, Iraq, and the list could go on for a long time. Terrorism is meant to strike fear in others and it does it very well. It can also put a damper on missions efforts globally as family objects to their children going into what they perceive to be "harms way."

While we do not live in a safe world it is also true that disparate events become much larger than they are because of the news cycle. The networks hunger for big stories and they will feed off those stories as long as they can until the next big story appears. I do not mean to minimize the evil nature of these events but to say that the worlds is not as dangerous as it might appear if our data comes primarily from the 24 hour news cycle.

It is also true that missions has an inherent risk. Whether from traffic accidents in developing world settings, sickness, the frequent travel, being in the wrong place at the wrong time or even being a target of those who hate Christianity. It is a risk that missionaries are willing to take given their calling and most missionaries are by nature more willing to step out of their comfort zone than are others. In addition, because of their travel and knowledge of the world they are often more aware of the true risks and of ways to minimize those risks. I have often travelled in places that the State Department issues warnings for and trust the knowledge of the local hosts who understand what is safe and what is unsafe.

The spread of the Gospel is not without risk and yet without someone stepping out with the best news the world has ever known we do not fulfill the Great Commission which calls us to take the Gospel to the ends of the earth with the promise that Christ is with us each step of the way. Ironically, it is often in places that are most insecure that the Gospel flourishes as individuals look for answers to the insecurity of their own lives and are far more open to Christ because of it.

Most mission agencies are prudent when it comes to risks to their personnel as they should be. But at the end of the day, if God calls individuals to represent him on the front lines - as He did Paul - we need to also trust Him to be with them. Western missionaries are no less exempt from persecution and danger than are national missionaries who often work in very troubled and dangerous places. As Jim Elliott said so presciently before his own death, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."

If you have pangs of fear for those you support on the mission field, reread the Great Commission and consider it in its fullness. As Scripture says, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news."

My seat on the bus does not fit me anymore

It happens: roles that once were energizing and satisfying become stale, frustrating and no longer fulfilling. We change, organizations change, leadership changes or our interests change and we need a new challenge. Maybe in a different seat on the same bus or on a different bus entirely. What we need to realize in this situation is that the longer we stay were we are the more frustrated we will be.

The largest factor in not being proactive in looking for a new challenge is comfort. We are comfortable with what we know even when it is no longer satisfying. Job dissatisfaction, however, is a sure sign that we are in the wrong place. And that dissatisfaction is an indication that we cannot be all that we should be in that role and perhaps in that organization.

Which raises a new issue: We were designed to be productive and  use our God given gifts in a role that allows us to do so. When we settle for a role that does not fit us we compromise that opportunity. And our happiness or fulfillment.

What do we do when restless? Here are some suggestions:

• Take a good look at what you are really good at and what you are honestly not good at.
• Ask the question - what fills my tank and what depletes me?
• What kind of culture do I want to work in?
• What kind of leadership do I do best with?
• If I could design the perfect job what would it look like?(knowing that we won't get it all)
• Start looking for a position that allows you to maximize your God given gifts.

To the extent that we have the opportunity to position ourselves within our gifting we ought to pursue that goal. And we should not settle for a seat that does not fit us.