Can one live at peace in a fractious, conflictual and chaotic world?

 

In the Gospels, Jesus makes a profound statement. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid." John 14:27. 

As I survey the evangelical landscape today, I see much fear and little true peace. Just listen to the conversations taking place around you - among God's people. Fear of what will happen to the economy. Fear of the immigrants coming across our border. Fear of the party you didn't vote for. Fear of dark conspiracies in our world and people that are going to destroy our world. Fear that the wrong person will be elected in the upcoming election. Fear of the world our children and grandchildren will grow up in.

There is a whole lot of fear and very little peace among God's people, and that leaves me wondering why? Was Jesus naive about our world? Could He have truly been offering peace in today's world? The thing is that Jesus makes a radical distinction between His peace and the peace the world has to offer. He says, "My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives."

The world's definition of peace is the absence of threats to our happiness, which is a rare thing and lasts for a short time.  The peace of Jesus has nothing to do with threats to our happiness or security. It is different and supernatural precisely because He offers it no matter what our circumstances and no matter the external threats. And, He says that it is a peace that allows one to live without fear and keep our hearts from being troubled.

How can that be? We have forgotten today, as God's people often do, that God's peace exists in the person of Jesus Christ. When we focus on Him: His power, His provision, and faith in His ability to provide for our needs and give us His joy no matter our circumstances and place ourselves in His hands, we will have peace. Not only do we not need to live in fear, but He specifically commands us: "Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid."

Fear or peace is a matter of focus. If we focus on all the threats around us, real and imagined, we will live in fear. If we focus instead on the One who authors history, we can live in peace. He is, after all, the creator of our world and ultimately in control of the events around us. We are not, but He is. 

I have determined this year to spend far more time reading His Word than listening to the news, which is often ugly, discouraging, and a creator of fear. Try spending just an hour reading the Psalms, for instance, and see what it does for your soul. 

If fear is a real part of our lives, it is an indicator that our focus is in the wrong place. I want to cultivate habits and practices that create peace and joy based on the One who can give these precious commodities. The moment I start to live in fear, I take that as a reminder that my focus has shifted away from Jesus.

What habits and practices are you cultivating to make His peace a part of your life? And ask yourself if you are driven more by fear or by peace? 

The church stage, staff culture and leadership boardroom: Two of the three are indicators of culture in a church

The church stage on Sunday mornings often does not reflect the true nature of a church's culture. One wishes it always was because the stage is a put-together, friendly presentation of the church's persona. The only issue is that it is often not a true persona of who the church is. When it is, it is a beautiful thing. Sometimes it is not. The stage says this is who we are - please believe us.

The stage is a church at its best in many ways. But, the authentic culture of a church is not found on stage - that can be manufactured just like all the happy families who come in the doors after fighting with one another on the way to church. The true nature of a church's culture is found in the everyday relationships of staff: how they treat one another, speak about one another, support and cooperate with one another, resolve or don't resolve conflict, and the level of politics, silos, and turf wars (per Lencioni) that exist. 

How staff are treated by leaders and how they treat one another tells the story of church culture better than anything else. Healthy cultures have healthy relationships and are full of individuals with healthy EQ. The fruit of the Spirit is evident and easily found. Gossip and backbiting are rare. Conflict is resolved in healthy ways, and there is freedom on staff to speak one's mind, and candid dialogue is encouraged. This is a true sign of a healthy church culture. I don't assume anything from the stage presentation when working with a church. Instead, I press into staff relationships. And I don't rely on the word of the senior leader but instead, ask questions of the staff themselves. 

Staff retention speaks volumes, while a pattern of staff leaving - whether resigning or being let go - says something else. I once asked a church board who had retained me to determine why the senior pastor had just fired two beloved staff members if they had interviewed any of the many staff who had left in the past five years, and they all looked down sheepishly. So, I interviewed them myself and heard a familiar story. On the other hand, where staff stay long and remain engaged in their job with one another and others, you know that there is usually good DNA at work.

I often conduct staff audit interviews with all staff with open-ended questions. Very quickly, common themes emerge that speak to staff culture's health or dishealth. This is valuable information for churches desiring to improve the staff's health.

A third indicator of a healthy or unhealthy culture is the leadership board of a church. I often speak to individuals recruited to serve on a church board who entered that job with optimism and energy, only to be disillusioned by what they found. They often encounter boards that don't speak candidly, allowing elephants to exist in the boardroom that everyone knows are there. Still, it is not OK to talk about them, gloss over issues that ought to be examined and discussed, and a significant lack of clarity about who the church is and where it is headed. The closer you get to the core of leadership, the closer you are to a church's authentic culture. 

There are notable exceptions of healthy boards that operate in healthy ways. This is the exception rather than the rule, however. Boards are not trained in healthy governance, are reticent to address known issues, and are often either passive or ultra-involved depending on the season, with little in between. One thing is usually true: board health often reflects staff health. Where there is dysfunction on staff, there is usually dysfunction on the board, which is why the staff dysfunction is allowed to exist and flourish.

I long for church staff and boards to have the same joy, spiritual presence, and professionalism found on stage each Sunday morning. If that is true in your church, I congratulate you. Often, though, the authentic culture of a congregation is not found on stage. 

The Culture Series: Which of these descriptors describes your organization?

 

Does culture matter in an organization? Contrast the elements of good culture against dysfunctional culture below and ask yourself, which kind of culture do I want to be a part of? Then ask yourself how many elements of healthy culture are true of your organization.

Healthy Culture                                                   Dysfunctional Culture

I am appreciated                                           I feel used

I feel listened to                                            My views are dismissed or marginalized

I have a voice                                                I have no voice

I am empowered                                           I am micromanaged

I can engage in candid dialogue                   Candid dialogue has strict limits

Relationships are collegial                           Relationships are often unhealthy  

My boss knows how to apologize                My boss is always right

Company information is transparent           Company information is tightly controlled

My supervisor dialogues with me               My supervisor tells me

My supervisor shows he/she cares              My supervisor has little knowledge of me

I have input into important decisions          I have no voice in important decisions

My supervisor is patient and gracious        My supervisor is unkind and harsh

The company compensates fairly               The company is stingy in compensation

There is virtually no gossip                        The organization is full of gossip

Healthy teams are the norm                       There are a lot of dysfunctions on teams

There is clarity around our mission           There is ambiguity around our mission

We practice our defined values                 Our defined values are often violated

We have alignment on important things  There is little alignment

Conflict is rare and resolved                      Conflict is the norm and unresolved

Ethics and honesty are high                       Ethics and honesty are slippery

The Bully Series: When the Bully is a church board member

 

Sometimes, the church bully or church boss is a church board member. I have dealt with these situations, and how do you confront someone who has authority in the church but is misusing that authority? In this series, we have cataloged the damage that a church bully can perpetuate so we know that it matters. Generally, a church bully is able, through intimidation and bad behavior, to exercise veto power over important decisions in the church and to ensure that they get their way regardless of the will of the majority. This abrogates the choice of other leaders and often of the congregation itself. 

Church boards often function in dysfunctional ways, which works to the advantage of a church bully. So, the critical factor in dealing with dysfunction on the board is ensuring that it operates as healthy as possible. This starts with a board covenant. Never allow a church board to exist without a board covenant that defines how it will work together. See a sample board covenant in my Blog; operate without a board covenant at your own risk! 

A critical factor in any healthy board is a commitment to candid dialogue where any issue can be put on the table, except a hidden agenda or personal attack. Church bullies love the fact that board members won't speak up and won't confront. But we always should. I am constantly amazed at the number of issues that boards know exist but remain unmentioned in their deliberations because it might create friction. So we ignore the obvious and allow the huge elephants to stay in the room unattended to. 

Many interviews were conducted in a culture audit in one church I worked with some years ago. These included staff, deacons, trustees, and people deeply involved in ministry. While many issues surfaced because of poor church leadership, the one outstanding theme was a lack of trust in the senior leader to lead the church forward. All interviewees were key leaders in the church. The board did not want to deal with it, and in this case, the Pastor was the bully who intimidated anyone who got in his way, and I resigned from working with the church. Time will tell if this board will lead more healthily, but this story is familiar. They were complicit in allowing a church bully to hurt many people. Unfortunately, it is a common issue.

In my blog, 15 Things a Church Board should not do, I outline some board behaviors that mitigate against a healthy church board. The bottom line is that the healthier a board, the less likely a bully can exist on the board and get his/her way. Healthy boards operate in ways that create clarity, accountability, and group decision-making. No one person can have veto power, and poor behavior is called out. 

In every instance where I have encountered bullies on a board, it was dysfunctional and unhealthy so they could have a platform in that venue. So, the way to deal with a bully on the board is to bring your board to a healthier place in its practices. My book, High Impact Church Boards, can guide you to that healthy place. 

It takes courage and fortitude to sit on a church board. You must be willing to call out poor behavior and challenge pockets of power that keep others from having a voice. Dysfunctional church boards with a power player can be toxic places to serve. Appeal to the reasonable voices on the board to move the board to a healthier place. And don't be shy about getting outside help to strengthen your board health and practices.  

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

 

Bully behaviors in the church, whether from a board member, a pastor, or others in the congregation, are usually narcissistic behaviors. A bully wants his/her own way and will use whatever means possible to achieve their goals. This can include manipulation, creating leadership division, gossip, slander, passive-aggressive behaviors, threats, and intimidation. All of these are classic narcissistic behaviors. And when confronted, they will play the victim and claim they are being mistreated. It is also why, if confronted, they will often run. Bullies and narcissists don't like accountability and seek to avoid it at all costs. 

A friend left his comment on Facebook on an earlier article in this series. "We dealt with a bully in our life group recently. We made it very clear that the behavior was not acceptable. We were very willing to walk through it with her if she desired to change. She left the group. We shared this with our church leadership so they would be aware. When she repeated the behavior with others, the leaders confronted her. She left the church. Repentance and healing was our main goal, but it was clear that was not hers. The results were a blessing to all." This is not an uncommon outcome because bullies hate and avoid accountability. This is classic narcissistic behavior.

I shared several reasons that boards do not deal with bullies in the church, but there is one reason that I did not cover. We simply cannot believe these people we know would have impure motives. After all, they are Christians! Their motives must be good! 

When we think that way in the face of toxic behaviors, we must wake up and smell the coffee. You need not judge motives, but you can always judge behaviors. Narcissistic behavior or bullying hurts people and organizations, and the church is meant to be a place of healing and unity. To give people a pass on behaviors that violate the Fruit of the Spirit, demand their own way, and use intimidation and underhanded tactics to achieve that is sinful, destructive, and evil. Yet church boards give such behaviors a pass regularly. The result is that people get hurt, deeply wounded, often leave the church, and sometimes abandon it because of the terrible behaviors they encountered among God's people. 

Regardless of how long the offending individual(s) have been in your church or how spiritual their language (I call it God talk), when bully behavior is present along with the toxic behaviors listed above, do not give it a pass! If you do, you are giving them free access to hurt people - God's people - which is not OK. When you do that, you become complicit in their behavior. So now, the very people who are charged in Scripture with protecting God's people become complicit in allowing them to be hurt instead. You cannot teach from the pulpit Godly behaviors and allow the opposite to exist within the congregation because you are unwilling to call it out! 

Narcissistic behavior is the polar opposite of the humility Jesus himself exhibited and teaches us to exhibit in our lives. Humility is like Jesus. Pride, arrogance, and narcissism reflect the Evil One, not Jesus. So when we give it a pass, we are platforming the Evil One in the same church where we teach Jesus and His character. How can that be? On the one hand, you teach people the nature of God and the Fruit of the Spirit; on the other hand, you allow the opposite to create cancer in the church! These are opposing cultures, and you destroy the culture you seek to make in the church. 

Where there is a bully in the church who is creating chaos with their tactics, and the board refuses to deal with it, and it is long-standing, I have counseled pastors caught in the mess to leave. The board is allowing someone to destroy what they are trying to build from the Scriptures, and the two cultures cannot co-exist. But if you confront the behaviors and stick to your guns as Paul did in his letters to the churches in the New Testament, you can root out the rot. But that takes courage. If you are in leadership, I hope you will have that courage when faced with narcissistic behaviors and church bullies.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting destructive behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: When the Pastor is the Bully!

Sometimes, the church bully is the Senior Pastor!

Some years ago, I was asked to help a congregation that was in turmoil. It was a large church, and the senior Pastor had just fired the two key associate pastors, which had caused an uproar in the church as they were loved and had many relationships. 

The first thing I did was to interview the three pastors involved. The behavior of the senior Pastor, as reported to me, was not pretty, and he didn't deny it. I then discovered that six additional staff members had left or been fired in the past two years, and I asked the board if they had interviewed any of them on the way out. They said no, hanging their heads, so I called and interviewed each of them. Their stories were consistent and painful to listen to.

This story ended with a senior pastor being asked to resign, the church dividing, and the board resigning. The board had not paid attention even though they knew the senior leader was dysfunctional. He had created an atmosphere where they didn't dare challenge him. The Pastor was the bully. 

Why do pastors get away with forbidden behaviors even in the secular workplace? Here are some behaviors I have observed over the past 20 years of consulting with local churches, and I am talking about evangelical churches here.

• Pastors whose insecurities cause them to divide people into two camps. Those who agree with them are, therefore, their friends, and those who disagree with them are their enemies. Enemies are ignored, shunted to the side, and marginalized. How does that square with loving the flock?

• Pastors who use threats to get their way. Threats as blatant as "I could fire you if you don't do this" or "I will resign if you push me on this." "I don't care if I get zero votes on a confidence vote. I am not leaving and will take the church down if necessary."

• Pastors who are intimidated by other strong leaders (seen as a threat to their leadership) make it hard for them to serve in the church.

• Pastors who are unaccountable with their time. When they are away from the church, no staff members know where they are or how to reach them.

• Pastors who will not allow their boards to speak into their lives, specific situations that have occurred, conduct executive sessions of the board or give them an annual review. This sends a loud message, "I don't have to be accountable to you."

• Pastors who hire staff without due diligence don't mentor or coach them regularly and fire them if they become a threat to them or don't perform to their standards. This is a user mentality toward people.

• Pastors who leave their church angry deliberately dividing the congregation on their way out.

• Pastors who triangulate relationships to form alliances against others, whether other staff members, board members, or congregants. It is not only wrong but a sign of poor emotional intelligence.

• Pastors who take credit for any advance and find scapegoats for any failure.

• Pastors who use their "God-given authority" to lead as they see fit. After all, they are "God's anointed." Again, this ignores accountability and shared leadership.

• Pastors who speak ill of board members or congregants even as they become angry if they hear of either group criticizing them. 

• Pastors don't allow other staff to challenge their ideas or speak candidly to them about what they see. This creates a closed system where they cannot be challenged or held accountable. Those who ask questions are often marginalized and often let go.

• Pastors who are building their own kingdom rather than God's kingdom. What matters are their ideas and their way. Essentially, they use people to achieve their ends. In fact, when the bully is the Pastor, there is usually a growing pile of bodies in their wake. Those who have been discarded, disenfranchised, marginalized, and left on the side of the road. 

So why do church boards allow this to happen? Unlike a corporate board with little interaction with staff, church boards are a part of the congregation. In almost every instance where I have helped churches deal with a bully pastor or heal in the wake of one, I have asked the church board if they knew something was wrong. In every instance, they said yes. When I asked why they didn't address it, they said they were told it was not their purview, were intimidated by the senior leader, executive sessions were not allowed so that a candid conversation could not take place, and they just hoped things would get better. 

In every instance, the board members said they wished they had spoken up, asked hard questions, had the complicated conversation, and dealt with the dysfunctional leadership of the senior leader. But they didn't, and the fallout to the church was significant. Trust can take years to rebuild, and the culture returned to health after bullying pastors. Boards that do not deal with the poor behaviors of their senior leader are directly complicit in the damage that is done.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: Confronting Bad Behaviors of church bullies

 

The carnage of bullies in the church is significant. Yesterday, I was in an intense discussion at a coffee shop in Canada with three other individuals regarding my blog, "When Church Boards don't Confront Bullies," a woman at the table nearby was listening. As she left, she came and introduced herself and told the story of how her large church in Calgary had been destroyed by a church bully and gave us a book recommendation on narcissists in the church. She was right on three counts. One bully behavior is classic narcissism. Two, it has the power to destroy churches. And three, church leaders are notoriously bad at dealing with the problem. And when they ignore the issue, the damage is significant.

Bullies are chameleons. They try to look spiritual and concerned. But their behaviors are destructive, toxic, and hurtful. Don't be fooled!

Boards don't deal with church bullies because they are intimidated by them. That intimidation is a form of control by bullies, which provides them license to continue their bad behavior. As we will see in this series, and as we have experienced, the bully can be a pastor, a board member, or another individual in the congregation. Intimidation is their method of operation, and the response of many church leaders is passive acceptance of their behavior because they are cowed by that intimidation. Don't be!

How do we effectively deal with those who create division and discord in the church?

First, we need to be clear that there are behaviors that are not OK in the church or, for that matter, in any healthy organization. They include slander, malicious gossip, character assassination, lack of accountability, the need to have "my way," working behind the scenes to divide and conquer, unwillingness to resolve personal differences, operating in the shadows where one can create doubt, distrust, and division without being accountable for their actions, and the list could go on. See my blog, "How to Spot a Bully in the church."

Bullying behavior in the church is not very creative. It is, at its core, pure intimidation. Bullies are often arsonists in their behavior. They light fires of mistrust, create doubt, slander others in private conversations, and then deny and lie when confronted. But the behaviors are pretty consistent - often hidden in "spiritual" language, which is not spiritual at all but is evil because it destroys people, manipulates to get its own way, destroys the unity we should have in Christ (Ephesians 4), and reflects the Evil One rather than Jesus.

So, the first step in confronting such behavior is to be clear that these behaviors are unacceptable and must stop. This is the job of church leaders. Whether it is a friend of theirs, a long-time acquaintance, or someone with money and power - it does not matter. These behaviors are wrong, and if you claim the Scriptures as your guide, you cannot ignore the obvious: This is sin, it is wrong, and it hurts the Body of Jesus. 

Bullies in the church believe, often rightly, that you will not confront them. You must! They must know that you are aware of their behavior, will not tolerate it, and that it must stop. Period. Bullies will deny, excuse their behavior, tell you they only want God's best, point the finger at others, and try to intimidate and divide you as leaders, but don't fall for it. They must know that their behavior is wrong and will not be tolerated, and if they continue, there will be consequences. 

Here is something to remember. Bullying behavior is underhanded behavior because bullies are often cowards at heart. Cowards use deceptive tactics and run from accountability. They will be surprised when church leaders are clear that this behavior is not OK and will not be tolerated. They may try to divide you and talk their way out of it and can become angry when confronted. None of that is indicative of a humble, Christlike attitude. In the best-case scenario, they respond with humility and repentance. Often, that will not happen. Regardless, you must protect the body's unity and health, which means that this behavior will not be tolerated. 

They need to know that you will not tolerate their bad behavior. They also need to know that you will not back down. Not now, not ever. Leaders unwilling to hold bullies accountable should not be in leadership because they are not protecting the flock.

What happens if the behavior continues and they will not be accountable. You have already been clear. You have reasoned with them. You have clarified what is acceptable and what is not. If they persist, you simply tell them that if they continue, you will follow the Matthew 18 model and put them under church discipline. 

In my experience, bullies often run when they realize you will not back down. They hate accountability, and if you make it clear that you will hold them accountable, they will often leave the church. You hope they will change their ways, but if they don't, your job is to protect the flock, and that means that you will not shy away from public disclosure of their behavior, and that is the one thing they are deathly afraid of because they work in the shadows rather than in the light.

Here are the objections you will hear from being clear on acceptable behaviors and holding them accountable for those behaviors.

One: They are long-time acquaintances, and I don't want to offend them. What you are saying is that you are willing for others to be hurt and the body of Christ compromised because you don't want to hold someone accountable for their behavior. That is a terrible bargain to make if you are a church leader.

Two: They are really good people and have done many good things. This is about something other than whether they are good people or not. It is about behaviors that are sinful and destructive. No matter how many good things they have done over the years, their bullying behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

Three: They are big donors to the church, and we cannot compromise that. I am amazed at how often this comes up. We say bad behavior will be tolerated because we need the individual's money. Do you think Jesus thinks that way? Let me say this. Their supposed generosity is often a perception they want you to have, but it is not a reality. Regardless, it is not a license to hurt the body. 

Four: Others might leave if they leave. So, let's be honest. People will leave if you don't deal with them because they create a toxic culture. Your job is not to ensure no one goes but that the body is healthy. Harmful behavior hurts people, and the church is meant to heal rather than hurt. Other people will make decisions about where they want to attend. If people leave because they take up the offense of those you have held accountable, so be it. That is their decision. Your job is to create a healthy environment; the more healthy it is, the more people will be attracted to it. If you want to kill a church, allow toxic behavior, and it will die. It may be a long, slow death, but it will die. Remember that if you are unwilling to hold bullies accountable. In that case, you have simply signed the church's death warrant.

Five: I don't want to rock the boat. What you are really saying is that you don't want to lead. And that you are willing to let the bully rock the boat while you remain passive. 

Six: Are we not just overreacting? When you have bullies in the church, there is often a pile of bodies in their wake. If you want to know if you are overreacting, ask those who have been the targets of your bully. They have been hurt, many have left the church, you may have lost a pastor because of them, and a great deal of pain has been felt. And look, you would not allow this behavior in your business, but you are willing to allow it in the church? Paul was clear on behaviors that are not acceptable in the church. Was he overreacting?

There are many reasons not to confront bad behavior in the church and church bullies. In the end, choosing that route will destroy and hurt your church. Don't go that route. What excuses are you using if you have a bullying problem and have not confronted the individual? And what behavior are you allowing to be perpetuated in your passive acceptance of their behaviors?

If you need outside counsel to navigate a difficult church bully, get that help. But don't ignore the issue. Lead as God has called you to lead. In the best-case scenario, you help a bully move to health and humility. If not, you protect the flock from their behaviors. In either case, it is a win, and the alternative is a loss.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: When church boards don't confront church bullies

 

Church bullies are toxic to the local church. They create divisions and unhealthy alliances, spread gossip and rumors, and undermine leaders regularly. They do this to accomplish their ends. They may be angry, have an agenda, or want to hurt leaders, whether boards or the senior Pastor. But the end result of their toxic, unethical, and unbiblical behavior is to hurt God's people. If you are a church leader, please read that last sentence again because it matters. 

Here is the problem with church boards and church bullies. Boards are very reluctant to deal with them. They are intimidated by them and don't want to rock the boat. They find all kinds of ways to justify this toxic behavior. "Oh, that is just Joe; get used to it." Listen, Betty is a good person despite all the gossip and malicious lies she tells." "We have always had a problem with Bill." 

And who gets hurt? First, God's people. The leadership becomes complicit in the toxicity when they refuse to deal with it. Bullies use disinformation, unkind words, gossip, malicious charges, and underhanded techniques to get their way. And they refuse to be held accountable. They triangulate leaders and, in the process, create doubt, distrust, and undermine senior leaders. Often, the senior Pastor. 

I am asking passive boards to reconsider their inaction when it comes to those who are toxic in the church. You are the key to solving these issues, and I invite you to do what God needs you to do and protect the body of Christ. 

I have several questions for church boards.

First, if you were the target of this malicious behavior, would you want someone to stand up for you? That is what senior pastors often don't get. They are expected to put up with unacceptable behavior in the church because you, as a board member, will not call the bullies out and confront them on their behavior. Many pastors live in pain or choose to move on when boards will not protect them.

Second, if you were a business or business owner leader, would you allow this behavior in your organization? Of course, you would not. You would recognize that this behavior does not serve you well and is undermining you and what you are trying to accomplish, and you would put a decisive stop to it. So why do you allow it to continue in the church?

Third, what do you make of frequent commands to Timothy and others to deal with divisive people in the church because their behavior is antithetical to what God has called us to? One day, you will stand before God and account for what you did and did not do as a leader and whether you protected the flock for such sinful behavior. 

You cannot have a healthy church with unchallenged toxic behavior! It will not happen, so pretending it is OK and you don't need to act is foolish and naive. Paul specifically commands leaders to deal with the three wolves of heresy (false teaching), sinful behavior (that is ongoing and egregious), and those who sow division in the church. Paul challenged the church in Corinth to deal with those who sowed division and those living in unrepentant sin. 

Church bullies do what they do because they suspect no one will challenge their behavior. After all, they have gotten away with it for a long time. They refuse to be accountable and refuse to repent, apologize, and adopt healthy behaviors. And boards coddle them, don't confront them, and tell pastors this is just the price of ministry. That is wrong, unbiblical, toxic, and makes leaders complicit. And thousands of complicit church leaders refuse to do what they are supposed to do as undershepherds of God's flock and protect the body of Christ. 

If you are one of those board members who will not confront sinful behavior (it is), either step aside or do the job God has given you to do. The health of your congregation is at stake.

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting the bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

The Bully Series: How to spot a bully in the church

Newsflash: There are often people in a church who are bullies and get away with it because church leadership is too nice to call them out on their destructive behavior. Often, we know something is not right, but how do we know when behavior has crossed a line and is unacceptable? Here are some behavioral signs that you may be dealing with a bully.

They have to get their own way. If a group decision is not their liking and they insist that things are done their way, beware.

They intimidate to get their way. It can be intimidation in attitude, not letting go of an issue, constantly pushing, or threats of some sort.

They triangulate others into their orbit to put pressure on leaders. Talking about their "concerns" (nothing other than manipulation), they develop a group that they rope into their point of view, so now there is a group dynamic to the bullying.

They criticize others, usually leaders in private, seeking to undermine the authority of a leader or leaders. Those they talk to often take up the offense or cause without any reason.

No matter how much attention they are given or how many conversations one has with them, they do not move off their position. It is their way or no way.

They often raise their issues in congregational meetings, seeking to force the hand of leadership. Nor are they nice about what they have to say.

They do not respect authority. Especially church authority - unless they are in church leadership, in which case they demand others respect their authority.

They cloak their concerns and language in spiritual terms. When behaviors don't match the words, don't be fooled. This is not spiritual. It is about power and getting one's way.

When confronted, they deny, fight back, or lie. They are not willing to be held accountable.

They hurt people who get in their way but are never wrong and rarely apologize. After all, it is about them, not others.

Why do bullies get their way in many churches? Because they can and because fellow Christians are not very smart about what is happening. After all, would a fellow Christian have ulterior motives??? The answer in many situations is "absolutely." Don't be fooled, don't be intimidated, and don't allow these kinds of behaviors in your church. It is divisive, dangerous, ungodly, and evil. Call it for what it is.

By the way, the Apostle Paul warned of those who create division in the church. That is what Bullies do, but our unwillingness to confront sin often lets them get their way. In fact, in many cases, we would never put up with that behavior in the workplace, but we do it all the time in the church. Sad. 

Blogs in this series:

How to spot a bully in the church

When church boards don't confront church bullies

Confronting bad behaviors of church bullies

When the Pastor is the bully

The close connection between narcissism and bully behaviors in the church

When the bully is a church board member

Toxicity in Leadership

 

The role of senior leaders in creating open dialogue

 

Moving from toxicity to health in organizational leadership

Toxicity in leadership often stems from our inability to control our egos in our interactions with others. If you have ever been in a conversation with a supervisor or boss and feel unlistened to, put down, diminished, your opinion discounted, or attacked verbally, you have experienced an unhealthy ego that needs to be right, superior and get its own way. 

These behaviors destroy trust, create cynicism, hurt hearts and shut down important conversation. At the least is it destructive and discourteous behavior and at the most it is destructive to the very staff who make possible the mission we represent. 

Leaders do not fully understand the power of their words, actions and attitudes to lift up or diminish those who work for them. When ego gets in the way, their staff and the organization suffer greatly.

This is not an uncommon issue. However, as we mature as leaders it is an issue that we must confront and deal with it because not doing so will eventually destroy our leadership. And can destroy our organization as the best people leave because of the toxic behaviors of the senior leader(s). 

In my experience there are several key's to ensuring that we lead from health and not the toxicity of our egos. 

First, you have to want to lead from health! While that may seem obvious it is not because the only way to know how your words or behaviors negatively impact those around you is to openly ask for feedback and very few leaders are willing to do that. The very question is a threat to their fragile ego's.

When I led an organization I would regularly ask those who reported to me if there was anything I did that created issues for them, anything they wished I could change about my leadership or any advice they had for how I could be a better leader. The responses were always very helpful for me in understanding myself and the blind spots I had in my leadership. If a leader is not willing to regularly ask those kinds of questions they are not serious about wanting to lead from health. The most significant risk we run as leaders is that we are not self aware of our own impact on others and the only way to understand that impact is to ask the right questions.

Second, when we learn that we have some significant issues we need to get help. Professional help! Ego will tell us we don't need it but our ego is wrong. Most leaders do. The negative behaviors listed above come from a deep place inside of us. The need to be right, the inability to listen well to others, the tendency to put others down or disregard their opinions, the belief that we should call the plays are all behaviors rooted in our own dysfunctions and often stem from childhood. Unless we understand where these negative behaviors come from, we cannot modify them in a healthy manner. 

This is not an easy journey but a necessary one. It is a journey I have had to take and in my coaching practice I have the privilege of helping others in this journey. The willingness to take that hard journey is a sign of strength rather than weakness and the more disclosing you are to those around you about your journey, the more respect you will have. Those around  us know what our issues are even though we may try to pretend they don't exist. They know and they appreciate the efforts to become a better leader as it impacts them.

Third, we must create open atmospheres in our teams and organizations where candid and honest dialogue can take place. This is the most critical factor in creating healthy organizations and holding everyone, including the leader, accountable for words, actions and decisions. 

The key factor in how open or closed an organization is to honest and candid conversation is always the senior leader. The organization will mirror his/her oppenness or closedness because self preservation will require people to not challenge where their leader will not allow you to go. Those who do find themselves looking for another job. They are marginalized and choose to move on. 

In fact, consider asking your team this question. What are the subjects or topics or issues that you wish we could talk about as a team but you are afraid to put on the table. And then just listen. Make a list on the white board and commit to taking them one at a time until all have been discussed. Only leaders who are serious about leading form health will take that step but it makes a powerful discussion.

"Ask any group of employees to describe an ideal team or organizational culture, and they will tell you: supportive, transparent, authentic, collaborative, trusting. But inquire about their current company's culture, and the list will usually look very different: competitive, political, territorial, untrusting, conflict adverse."

This quote is from Ego Free Leadership by Black and Hughes and is an excellent resource on this topic.

The danger of a culture of consumerism over disciplemaking in the church today

 

There is no country where the church has the American church's resources. And yet, with all the advantages it has: wealth; technology; training; strategy, and Biblical knowledge, we are not doing well in many congregations. In fact, we inadvertently hurt ourselves by focusing on the wrong things, which causes us to miss the best things. We are often building a culture of consumerism over disciple-making and that is hurting us and God's people.  Here are some examples of how we inadvertently hurt ourselves in some quarters.

In our concern for "market share" (yes, that is a thing), we appeal to the consumer mentality of church members rather than to the Biblical Mandate of making disciples. In the city in which I live, the revolving door among the large churches particularly has been evident for the past several decades. A "cool" church will appear and make a splash, and its weekend experience is impressive, and migration takes place from other churches to the cool church. 

The problem is that we are training congregants to look for "what's in it for me" rather than focusing on helping them become disciples who love Jesus, and when another cool church appears that is cooler than the church I am attending, the migration happens again. If we train consumers, they will act like consumers. If we disciple people to follow Jesus, they will follow Him. The two are not the same. 

This goes to our marketing efforts as well. We develop programs and swag and the best stage presence because that is what will bring people in, and yet we miss the magnetic quality that actually builds a long-term family of believers - a congregation that loves Jesus and each other which is the greatest marketing tool a church could have. 

The consumer mentality of the church impacts our teaching. I am bemused that there are churches that won't even use the word preaching or teaching (two very Biblical words), but they talk on staff about who is doing the "presentation" that week. And the presentation must not be controversial (which Jesus and the Scriptures usually are), must not deal with the hard topics of the Bible (of which there are many), and must be uplifting, relevant, and non-controversial. It is a win, perhaps for market share, but how is it a win for helping people understand God and His Word?

Too often, we want people to love our church and be loyal to our church rather than wanting people to truly love Jesus and be loyal to Him. Think about the Gospels. Jesus did not try to be cool and hip. Rather He was authentic and spoke truth with amazing mercy and grace. He came full of Grace and Truth. 

The early church, likewise, had few of the advantages our contemporary churches do. But what they had was an infectious love for God and one another that was a magnet for those around them. As to the "teach," this is what Paul had to say about his preaching. "When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power" (1 Corinthians 2:1-5)." Paul would not be invited to speak in many of our cool, large churches today.

Nor, maybe Jesus because He talked about a "narrow gate" to God. He said that no one comes to the Father except through Him, and He spoke of heaven and, if you can believe it, hell and coming judgment. He did it with grace, but He spoke the truth - truths that we are often fearful of speaking ourselves. For those who want to be cool, Jesus said some very inconvenient things. 

And one last thing. Jesus championed humility over pride and ego. Yet many of our congregations today who live in the consumer space are driven by leaders with egos who have an agenda to grow their brand. Why do we brand? Because we are building a brand that is ours and that will set us apart from the rest. But Jesus talked about championing the Father, and Paul build a brand not around personalities (see 1 Corinthians) but around Jesus and the cross and following Him.

These are all contrasts between consumerism and discipleship. Which are you building in the church you attend? It is worth thinking about. 

When leaders cannot be challenged

 

Leaders are stewards: The question is what are you stewarding and for whom?

 

Most would acknowledge that leaders are stewards. By definition, stewardship means that we look after the interests of someone or something else rather than ourselves. However, what we are stewarding and for whom requires some deep thinking and regular realignment because it is easy to get this wrong. We can inadvertently steward the wrong thing! This is true whether you lead a team or an organization. 

At any one time, if we are not careful, we may be stewarding (and looking after the interests of) ourselves or others and a mission. 

Leaders have the power to set agendas and focus. They also have the opportunity to look out for their interests or the interests of others. They can guard or give away authority and power. In fact, when a leader guards their authority, rather than sharing it, it is a sign that their stewardship is more about them than it is about others. 

The more autonomous a leader is in their decision-making (rather than sharing that decision-making with other competent individuals), the more their stewardship is about their interests, their ego, and their power. Often, they do not see it, but those around them do.

In all of this, ego is the enemy. Ego is about me and my interests, and to the extent that we focus on retaining our power and authority or arranging things for our interests and agenda, we are stewarding ourselves, not a mission or on behalf of an organization and its staff. 

There are four characteristics of those who are true stewards rather than faux stewards.

One: they think mission and something greater than themselves, talk about that mission, and encourage the whole organization to align their work around the accomplishment of that mission. It is not about themselves but about something greater than themselves.

Two: they lead from a place of great humility. This means that they bring others into the decision-making process, don't need to get their own way, admit when they are wrong, are non-defensive, open, and take differing opinions easily. 

Three: They share decision-making, power, and authority in appropriate ways, giving these to other competent people rather than hoarding them for themselves.

Four: They genuinely care about people around them, and their words, interactions, and actions reflect that care. Ego-driven people care about themselves, while humble leaders care about others. 

If you lead others, take a moment to reflect on this issue of stewardship and the four markers of those who are true stewards. All of us can improve, and this is an issue that leaders need to be aware of on a regular basis.