How people respond to organizational change

Many are familiar with the bell curve that describes how people respond to change: innovators; early adapters; middle adapters; late adapters and laggards. In my experience in the change process I have another set of suggested categories to watch for. Where individuals are on this continuum from change resistors to evangelists for change makes a great difference when you are considering them for leadership positions either on staff or a board.

Resisters. Like the laggards on the bell curve, these are people who will actively resist change because they are simply wired that way. This is the individual who told me, "T.J., you can bring whatever change you want to the organization but don't expect me to do anything different." No rationale is going to change the mind of a resister.

Protectors. The protector is also highly resistant to change but for another reason. They believe in the status quo, the way things have been done in the past and they will actively try to protect "what is," rather than embrace "what could be." This was the individual who told me and many others that the changes I was bringing to ReachGlobal would destroy the mission. 

Cynics. This group is simply cynical about change unless the proposed change is their idea. They tend to view change as "the flavor of the month" and are often vocal about their opinion. Cynics generally don't trust leaders so proposals brought by leaders are quickly discounted.

Loyal followers. These individuals have a deep commitment to the organization and team. They accept change if there is a good rationale for it. These are staff who say, "Just tell me which direction we are going and I will go with you." 

Idealists. This is an interesting group with an upside and a downside when it comes to change. When creating change one inevitably creates a gap between what is and what should be. Idealists are highly impatient to get to what should be and believe that we should be there now. On the up side, they want the change. On the down side they can become highly critical that we have not arrived. Thus on any day they can be either an ally or a critic.

Realists. This group is supportive of change, realizes that it will take time and process and is generally comfortable with that process. They are helpful in realistically figuring out how to get there and can live with the tension of what is and what should be.

Change agents. These individuals not only support proposed changes but will be active agents in helping the organization get there. They are your front lines in speaking a new language, setting a new course and helping redesign philosophy and strategy.

Evangelists. These are the champions of change who publicly and privately live the change out, help others understand and get there and advocate for the new direction.

In my experience it is the realists, change agents and evangelists who will help drive change while the resisters, protectors and cynics will actively undermine change. Loyal followers and idealists will go with you but will not drive change. 

Think about the implications of these eight ways that people respond to change in terms of who you hire, who you put into leadership and who you ask to serve on a board. One church leader, after hearing these descriptions aptly commented, "no wonder so many boards are stuck." He is right. Resisters, protectors and cynics must be managed but beware of allowing them into positions of leadership and influence! 

A goal worth pursuing

Regular readers of this blog are aware that my father passed away a week ago. It fell to my elder brother Thomas to lead the memorial service on behalf of mom, the ten children and numerous offspring. It was not an easy assignment but he did a masterful job of capturing the person, legacy and most importantly the faith of my dad. 

No one is perfect, not even remotely - something that is often not evident listening to eulogies. I have been to memorial services where the person being described bears no resemblance to the individual I knew. We live in a fallen world where no one escapes the curse of sin and its effects. 

But Thomas caught the essence of Dad and a goal of my life when he said "Dad was not perfect but he kept getting better." To the end, into his mid eighties, he kept getting better as he continued to allow Jesus to renovate his life and as he pursued Him and obedience to Him. That is a goal worth pursuing!

The heart of followership of Jesus is allowing Him to re-image us into the us He created us to be. It starts with our decision to follow Him where He justifies us and forgives our sin. It continues with the ongoing process of spiritual renovation - sanctification - as we allow the Holy Spirit to work in our lives. 

The commitment to continue to follow Jesus more closely as we walk through life makes all the difference. It is so easy to settle with what is rather than to pursue what could be. I hope that those who know me best will be able to say, "he was not perfect but he kept getting better." It is a lesson from my father's life and a goal worth pursuing.

Who are the keepers of organizational values?

All organizations and ministries have values, an ethos they are committed to and a culture that they are committed to upholding. Hopefully there is clarity in all of these areas. The question is, who is responsible for upholding those that ethos?

Every leader is responsible! Without exception. Every member of the organization is responsible! Without exception. Leaders, however, have a special responsibility to guard, uphold, champion, live out and champion what the organization believes in. We instinctively watch our leaders for clues as to how seriously they take the spoken and written promises of the organization. We are likely to follow their example no matter what is written or stated.

Anytime there is a fault line in upholding what the organization holds dear there is a direct threat to the ministry. People may give reasons and excuses for why they did not uphold the ethos but the fact that it was not kept is a threat to the ministry. This is why organizational leaders should never ignore violations to their ethos, culture or commitments. They may choose to respond publicly or privately but they always respond. They know what is at stake.

Staff members watch their leaders carefully. What they do is more important than what they say. What they model is what is followed. It only takes one leader who is out of alignment regardless of their place in the organization structure to disrupt the culture of an organization. One staff member, for instance on a church staff who is not living out the ethos, culture or values of that church compromises the health of the whole.

As I said in another blog, It only takes one individual to negatively impact the whole. That is why organizational alignment is so critical.

Healthy organizations intentionally live out their preferred culture and ethos. All leaders and teams work hard to stay in alignment. It is a critical factor in the health of all organizations and ministries. It is an issue worth talking about together: how well do we do it?

When board members allow friendship and relationship to overshadow their governance role

The relationship between board members and the organizational leader is a nuanced one. In many cases board members are also friends. This is often true on church boards where there may be a long relational history. In other cases, particularly in ministry settings, "Christian nice" is the culture of the board. We believe the best, want the best and assume the best - even in the face of evidence that there are issues that need to be pressed into.

Let's address the friendship issue. As an individual I may have a strong and long friendship with my organizational leader. As a board member, however, I am not there primarily as a friend but as a board member whose highest priority is the health and missional effectiveness of the organization. In the board room, therefore, my friendship cannot get in the way of asking the necessary and even hard questions and pressing into issues that are important for the organization.

This applies to the "Christian nice" that pervades so many boards. It amazes me that boards can ignore issues of organizational health and effectiveness in the face of evidence that it is not what it should be. All boards should be collegial - they are a team. All boards should also be engaged in honest, robust dialogue around clearly defined results for the ministry. The test of a good board meeting is not did we all get along and agree. The test is whether we addressed the real issues and engaged in honest dialogue about those issues - even if it was uncomfortable for some and for the organizational leader.

One of the great failures of boards in this regard is to clearly define the outcomes (ends) that the ministry is committed to. In the absence of clearly defined outcomes a board does not have an objective way of holding its organizational leader accountable. Everyone needs accountability and a target they are working toward. It also gives boards a yardstick for evaluation, dialogue, key questions to address and moves the conversation from "Christian nice" to objective results.

If you are a board member I would encourage you to ask these questions:

• Can I separate my personal friendship with the organizational leader from my role as a board member?
• Am I willing to ask the uncomfortable questions even in a board culture that wants a "Christian nice" ethos?
• Are there objective ends or outcomes that the ministry is committed to and which we can hold the leader accountable for?
• Does the board have a job description that clearly defines what its role is?

It is time to stop the blame game in missions

I was at a conference recently where there was a very harsh and unkind (and I would add largely unfair) critique of western missions. The critique was made by a prominent Latin American missiologist. He characterized missions from the west as being imperialist in nature, controlling, paternalistic and colonial. He further blamed most of the worlds ills on the west and its capitalist system. The west is the creator of the world's ills and the majority world is the victim. 

It made me sad. It is true that western missions have made many mistakes. Mission leaders and missionaries are far more sensitive today than in the past as we have learned from those errors. It is also true that the church in the west has made an enormous sacrifice and contribution to the evangelization of the world in the last 200 years and continues to do so, now in partnership with missionaries from across the world.

In fact, the faith of this missiologist is the legacy of missionaries who gave up everything to go to share the gospel.  As I write this I sit overlooking Hong Kong where my own parents served as missionaries in the 1960's. Then it was a place where the Gospel was scarce and today the Gospel is well known and the church is strong because of the sacrifice of western missionaries. My parents and many others gave up much to bring the Gospel to Asia. Tens of thousands of western missionaries are making that sacrifice today globally.

Missionaries from the majority world will and do make many of the mistakes that missionaries from the west made. It is the nature of missions. It is time to stop blaming one another and to start appreciating one another in the global church and to work together. It is time to get over it (anger at the west) and get on with it (the cooperative work of the Gospel). Our own mission has moved to a philosophy of "We don't own anything, control anything or count anything as ours." We are a servant organization to the church in the United States to serve their mission vision and to the church internationally to serve their mission vision.

I find the critique from this Latin missiologist particularly hard to swallow given the social and political landscape in much of Latin America where corruption, crime and inept governments are the norm and where the church has little influence on society. I don't say this to defend the west, but to make an observation that is hard to ignore. One can certainly find much that is wrong with the west and with the church in the west and I am not here to defend it. However, one can also find much that is wrong in the majority world and the church there and I am not here to critique it. It is time to stop the blame game.

I love and cherish my colleagues in the majority and minority world who work with us to spread the Gospel. Their attitudes are so different than the one mentioned above. We are able to appreciate one another's strengths and weaknesses, cultural differences and varied circumstances as we work together. Our concern for the Gospel outweighs our many differences. In fact, we are all enriched as we value one another, learn from one another and enjoy the richness of our differing cultures.

As a mission leader who is committed to healthy mission practices I found the comments of this man sad. I am committed to a different way of doing missions and of valuing the contributions that all make.

Any ministry is only as strong as its weakest area

Ministries like any organization are a series of interconnected parts where each plays a role in the whole. Given the connections, it is also true that in many cases, the ministry is only as strong as its weakest area - a sobering thought.

The corollary truth is that when we choose to ignore areas of weakness we actually hold the whole ministry hostage to those areas of weakness. A church may have quality ministries but if their small group ministry is weak (where this is the relational glue of the church) the whole ministry is weak because the back door remains open. Thus, this area of weakness impacts the rest of the ministry.

Generally staff have an opinion on where the weaknesses lie in any ministry. For years, an area of weakness was the intake process for our mission. If you don't catch dishealth at the front gate you must deal with it later and others pay the price. While the organization knew this was true, there was not a culture that made it OK to talk about the issue and so it went on and on. I spoke recently with someone who attends a church where the music leader is incompetent, will not listen to others, and is frankly terrible up front. No one dares push the issue and the church remains small and will probably stay that way because of this area of obvious weakness.

Healthy organizations have an ethos where areas of weakness can be identified and addressed. It is not about blaming people as the issue usually comes down to processes. Either way, however, if an area of weakness is present and is impacting other areas as they usually do, there must be a way to address it. And to address it there must be a way to talk about it. If there is not the very culture of the organization conspires against reformation.

One weak link in a chain compromises the whole chain. That is why any ministry is only as strong as its weakest link. 

Anxiety is wasted energy: Faith is the currency of the Kingdom

What is anxiety? It is nothing less than fear: fear of what might happen, could happen, is happening. Ultimately it is fear about what we fear will happen. The common word is clearly fear - an energy draining exercise which feeds on itself thought by thought until we are consumed by our anxious fears. In juxtaposition, Jesus says simply: "Do not be anxious about anything." Why? because He is able to supply everything that we need.

The most common repeated command is scripture is not a moral command. It is simply "Fear not." "Do not be afraid." "Do not let your minds be anxious." Rather, thank God in all circumstances because He is the One who can and does and will provide all that we need. If He is truly sovereign over the affairs of men and nations, He is also sovereign over the affairs of our daily lives.

In the Lord's prayer we are encouraged to pray daily that He would give us our "daily bread" that which we need today. It is instructive that he does not tell us to pray for our annual bread or retirement account but our daily bread: What is needed today. 

If "fear not" is the most often repeated biblical command, a close follow up is "give thanks" and "be thankful in all things." Thankfulness is one of the key antidotes to fear and anxiety. It is the constant reminder of the goodness of God, the promises of God, the provision of God and a thankful heart cannot be an anxious heart. Thanksgiving drives out fear and anxiety.

Our world is driven by fear but we live by faith. The whole economic system of our society is based on fear - all the things we need in order to have real security. Even our election was fear based! In the Kingdom, however, we live by faith. A daily faith. A simple faith in a sovereign God who loves us and cares for us and provides for us. 

Anxiety 

• cannot change anything and so is wasted energy.
• is fear based and therefore anti-Christian.
• is about me while faith is about Him.
• is disobedience in God's command to trust.
• is debilitating and tiring.
• is a ploy of the evil one to take our eyes off of Him.
• and trust are a daily choice

I love messy churches because they minister to messy people and bring restoration to messy lives

I love messy churches. Churches where there is transparency about where we actually are in life. Churches that welcome people who are screwed up, hurting, poor, criminal (imagine that), pregnant out of wedlock, people with prison records, who are marginalized, divorced, abused, addicted, and hopeless. Maybe people with tattoos, piercings, different color hair and grunge  clothing. Now that is the kind of church I want to be a part of.

I strongly suspect that Jesus would be in that kind of church judging from the company he kept back in His day. Actually, I think it was by intention. He knew where the receptive people were - generally not the well off, educated and professional (and I fit that profile), but the desperate and screwed up (all of us fit that profile in one way or another).

Where are those kinds of people welcome? The truth is that they are often not welcome. How can they be in congregations that are so concerned about outward appearances of "having it all together" that the utter lack of transparency about the struggles they have send a strong signal that "we are not like you."

Funny thing is that they actually are, they just don't want to admit it. Behind our masks of respectability are people whose marriages are struggling, kids who are struggling, hidden addictions that are destroying lives and families, unresolved anger, broken relationships, financial problems and all kinds of messy stuff. So why don't we just admit it and no longer pretend?

I know churches like that. Here is what I notice about them. First they are filled with people who are messed up and who get cleaned up. Second, because they are willing to be transparent about the mess that God cleaned up, others who are messed up know they are welcome. Third, there is a lot of grace for one another because we are not pretending that we have been or perhaps still are not messed up and in need of God's grace and the love of others.

Some churches pretend to live in the "Leave it to Beaver" world of respectability, apple pie, perfect families and "together people." What I believe is that it is a facade, not reality. What I know is that even if it were true, those who don't fit that profile won't be welcome. And they would be those most desperate for help and love and answers and spiritual renovation. Jesus said, I did not come for the healthy but for the sick.

I am always amused by parents who are concerned that their kids perfect youth group will be destroyed by the attitudes, language or behavior of kids from the local school. Excuse me? I thought the good news of the gospel is for the hurting and messed up? I know of adult small groups where a pagan who does not know any better actually tells the truth about their lives and they are met with a pregnant silence (what do we do with someone like that in our church). Excuse me? I thought the good news of the gospel was for people like that.

The very fascination with excellence and perfection in many churches today - from the building to the stage to the programming to the kinds of people we hold up are all at odds with the messiness, pain, dysfunction and bad stuff in the very people we want to reach out to - if we actually do. I suspect that there are churches who have no desire to reach out to people like that. They would not say it but they do say it - loudly with their culture and lack of transparency.

I vote with Jesus. Give me the messy church any day. I am not fascinated with perfection, I am wanting to live with the messy (I am one of those) and I want to help messed up people find help. Leave it to Beaver was a TV show. I want to live in the real world among real people who together want to be transformed into His image.

Tod Agnew, the musician got it right I think. Consider his words.Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like you Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

When we take up the offense of others

Some of the most difficult situations I have to deal with as an organizational leader are those who call my office angry and unhappy and irrational over an issue that they have no first hand knowledge of. They have taken up someone else's issue and have gone on a crusade.

The reason these are such difficult situations is this. First, because they don't have first hand knowledge one cannot have a rational conversation about what really happened. All they know is what they "heard" happened and in the context of anger, hurt and raw emotions. Thus this is not a conversation about facts but perceived facts and emotional reactions. Conversations that cannot be focused around objective facts are usually conversations that cannot be resolved. 

Second, the conversations are crazy making because those who take up other's offences usually do not reveal that fact. It is clear from the conversation that there is an issue behind the issue (some one else's offence) but it is never stated so one has a hard time getting at it. If I sense there is an underlying issue I will often probe as to what it is and try to get to the heart of the matter. Dealing with side issues does not help one resolve the real - underlying issues. Unless that is put on the table there is no resolution.

Third, because these conversations are not about facts since first hand knowledge is no present, it ends up being about perceptions and anger. Perceptions of others are usually wrong and anger cannot be resolved without dealing with facts. And facts cannot be established without those with first hand knowledge present. 

Finally these are no win conversations because those who take up the offense of others have no way to move on because they cannot resolve "facts." So while the person whose offense they picked up moves on eventually those who picked up the offense did not and cannot.

When there is conflict, the goal must always be to achieve reconciliation. The goal is to come to understanding and achieve a level of peace. When I take up someone else's offence, however, I am doing just the opposite, enlarging the conflict rather than minimizing it: I cannot solve it for others; my own anger spills over to others; I have no objectivity in the situation and because it is not my issue, I cannot find resolution. It is a no win situation and does nothing to bring reconciliation or peace.

Picking up someone else's offense is foolish, bad EQ, unbliblical and causes relational havoc beyond what was necessary. It is one thing to seek to help resolve an issue in a healthy and productive manner. But once you take up another's offense there is no good way out.  

The baton has passed: My father's death

My father went to heaven today at age 86. In some ways I lost him a number of years ago when dementia set in but today it was final - for this world. He left ten children, many grand and great grandchildren and many spiritual children.

My life changed today. I am not sure all the ways but I know it did. I will know it next week as well as we lower a casket into a grave.

There is no longer a generation of men ahead of me to die. I am now on the front lines. Mortality took a step closer. I cannot pretend. The grave is ample proof. My father said as much to me years ago when his father died. It was a rare instance of transparency into his heart. He was a private man but less so as the years went by.

Legacy now passes to me. I am part of my father's legacy and it is now mine to pass one on to my children: Jon, Chip and grandson Gavrel. Like my father's it will be flawed by living in a fallen world but still I have choices and those choices and example and relationships and life become the legacy I will one day leave. There is much that I can treasure about the legacy I was handed. There is much I can do about the legacy I hand off. 

Life is precious but it is also limited which is why heaven becomes even more precious. For it is unlimited in its time (there is none), its person (Jesus), and it's wonder. As C.S. Lewis wrote, it is the home we were truly made for. It is the home father was made for and he has now looked into the loving eyes of the One he served and loved. Like Paul, he fought the good fight. Like Paul, not perfectly, but like Paul not timidly either.

There is no unfinished business between us. Fortunately we took care of that years ago. It won't be long until we are reunited as he today is with parents, family and other friends who went before. I am sure there is a party taking place somewhere even as we grieve but grieve well for a life well lived. 

Finishing well is the challenge all of us have. Dad finished well. I desire to finish well. It makes the leaving ever so much more easy for the one who leaves and the ones who are left. For believers there are no final good by's, just temporary ones. 

See also, Legacy. Thoughts on my dad

Controlling conversations

Whenever a conversation starts to feel uncomfortable and one that seems to be deliberately putting you in a corner rather than allowing for freedom of dialogue, pay attention! Conversations that don't feel good or safe probably are not. 

This is not about conversations where two parties might disagree with one another. That is normal. This is about conversations that feel designed to control you, force you to a specific conclusion or force you to agree to something that you don't feel comfortable agreeing to.

Feeling uncomfortable in a conversation is often a sign that you are in an unhealthy conversation that will not end well if it continues. More about that in a moment.

Some people are masters at manipulating others. Most of us are not but the warning signal to us is a feeling of discomfort. That manipulation can come in the form of vigorous debate designed to get you to agree. It may come in the form of veiled or not so veiled threats if they are in a position of authority. It can come in the form of anger which one wants to dissuade, often by agreement. It may come in the form of "facts" that are not facts at all but broad generalizations that sound true but leave a question in your mind. I recently spoke with an individual regarding some issues of disagreement and he kept saying, "T.J. you know...." He was using gratuitous language to flatter me into agreeing with him.

Manipulation is just that. And its sign is discomfort or a feeling that this is not a two sided conversation but a one sided conversation. Manipulation is trying to force other to agree with us. It reflects dis-health in the one using it and we should be aware when it happens.

How can I respond if I am feeling manipulated or controlled in a conversation. Here are some suggestions:

• "It feels to me that you want me to agree with you and frankly I don't."
• "I think it would be helpful to have a third party in on this conversation because I am feeling pushed to agree with you."
• "Is this a two way dialogue or must I agree with your point of view?"
• "While I respect your opinion, you need to know that I don't agree with you but it feels that I must if we are going to keep a relationship."
• "I am feeling uncomfortable with where this conversation is going and I would like to put it off for another time."

With any of these comments you are gently but honestly calling the other party on their behavior and your discomfort. They are not used to people confronting them and will usually back off. Whatever you do, don't be manipulated by manipulators.

Criticism is easy. Real solutions are not!

Wise leaders observe things closely but do not criticize things quickly. As critical thinkers they are always aware of gaps between where we are and where we desire to be but they are also aware that closing those gaps is not as easy a proposition as it may seem. 

In my experience, criticism is often directed primarily against other people while the real problems are often systems and processes more than they are people. Thus the criticism of people rather than thinking critically about the process or system is often unfair and misguided. It also then becomes personal when the real solution is usually impersonal.

A few years ago I became impatient about our ability in ReachGlobal to deliver on our clarity at the team level. I pushed my senior staff rather hard to close the gap and I think they felt the pressure. When I finally hired a consultant to help us think through our processes the solution was actually pretty simple - some simple tools to bridge the gap between our vision and clarity and our execution and the problem was not inherently with people but with our process. I had been somewhat critical of leaders when the solution was a simple tool that we now use regularly. The problem was not people but process. 

That insight spawned a whole new set of simple tools for us that actually come out of lean industry and manufacturing but which we call ministry excellence. When something is not going right we have  a tool to examine and understand the process we use and almost always the solution is in the process or system, not in a negligent individual. Usually we not only solve the issue but find other efficiencies as well.

Today I am far slower to criticize people and quicker to ask about our systems to find out why something is not working the way it should. Sometimes it does come down to a person who is in the wrong place but more often than not it does not. I also want to resist the easy criticism that pervades so many organizations.

What leaders wish their staff understood about their role

There are many things leaders wish their staff understood about what they do. While there may be a  mystique about leadership, the realities are very different. So on behalf of many leaders, this is what I wish my staff understood (and many do) about what my life looks like as a leader. I am sure many other leaders have similar thoughts - if they could share them.

• On most days I love what I do. It is how God wired me.

• My greatest discouragements are not from the outside but from what people do or say within the organization.

• Criticism is easy. Real solutions are not! I don't have the luxury of criticizing. I must find solutions.

• I respond poorly to cynicism toward leaders and leadership. My calling is a calling just as yours is.

• My work never goes away, not even on vacation. Not Ever! Ask my children and my wife!

• Part of my job is to clean up messes that others make - quietly. 

• I don't mind criticism but I do have a heart (really) and how it is conveyed is important.

• It can be a lonely job as I cannot share everything that I am dealing with.

• Even leaders need encouragement when it is sincere.

• If you wonder what I do with my time it is all on my calendar and you may see it. I share my daily schedule with those who pray for me on a monthly basis.

• I desire the same respect from my staff as I give to them.

• I need your prayer daily. I pray daily for wisdom, favor and empowerment. I know how frail I and needy I am.

• If I sometimes seem distracted, please don't take it personally. I have a lot on my mind seeking to integrate all that our ministry does rather than simply one facet of the ministry.

• When I travel I take all my work with me including the hundred fifty plus emails I get daily. While others can disconnect, leaders cannot. Mornings start early and evenings end late. Sleeping in hotel beds 150+ nights a year is not a perk but a challenge!

• I have the joy and responsibility of sharing the blessings of success with our staff (who make great things happen) and taking responsibility for failures (no matter who made it happen) when they occur. 

• When I make a mistake it is more visible than when you do. I may require a lot more grace as well because of it. Some notice when you blow it. Everyone notices when I do.

• While I wish I could, I cannot meet all the expectations that people have for me and must focus on those things that God clearly wired and gifted me for. It is hard but necessary to say a gracious no. By the way, like you, I am only good at a few things and those are the ones I need to focus on.

• Because of my leadership visibility I will be misunderstood for things I do and say no matter what. I wish for the same grace and benefit of the doubt that I give to others. 

• When I do create questions I would prefer you ask me what I meant rather than talk to others. They don't know my heart, I do. I am always willing to talk.

• As a leader I can be a friend to staff (and want a highly collegial ethos) but there are boundaries because of my leadership role. Not all understand this.

• I am not the leader who came before me and not the one who will come after me. I am me! 

• Like you, I am accountable. All of us are including me. Like you, I answer for my decisions and work. If anything, my accountability is higher because my responsibility is higher.

• There are many things I don't have answers for and will not pretend that I do. I do a lot of thinking and pondering and dialogue and learning. I have learned that answers to complexity does not come easily. 

• I am deeply appreciative of the staff I work with. Whatever we accomplish is a team effort. I thank God daily for every one of them.

• As I said, on most days (including today - so far)  I love my job!

A prayer on election day

Our Father in Heaven:

We ask today that you would be gracious to us today as a nation. We don't deserve your mercy and grace but we humbly ask for it. We confess our shortcomings as a nation and realize that you are the only solution. We confess our corporate sins and ask for your mercy and forgiveness. We pray that your grace would cover our nation as the waters cover the sea.

No matter what the outcome of the election we know we are a divided nation. We pray that the church itself may be a source of healing to our country and that the Gospel can become well known.  May our confidence not be in any party or elected leaders but in a sovereign God who reigns supreme over all nations and peoples. 

Give us as your followers a Christian world view that no party or platform can articulate. Help us to think Christianly about the social, political, ethical, and global issues of our day. May we daily seek your mercy, ask for your wisdom, pray for our leaders and for the peace of our globe. Help us to reflect your mercy, to act with your justice and to walk humbly before you in all things. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven for the glory of your Son.

May our minds, hearts, priorities and relationships be renewed daily through your Holy Spirit. May our Jesus centered lives be a challenge to all those we come into contact with. May your concerns become our concerns and your love our love! May your Name become well known and your reputation lifted high through the love of Your chosen people. My You be our highest priority, our greatest love, and our deepest concern!

Amen

Leaders and their reputations

A byproduct of leadership is a level of viability that many of us don't really want but which comes with the territory. Along with that visibility comes a vulnerability from those who are unhappy with us for decisions that are made and who choose to take shots at our reputation in return. Sometimes it is out of spite and anger. Other times it is out of a lack of understanding that we are not at liberty to clarify. Either way it can be painful for all of us care about our reputations.

This can be especially painful for leaders who have a need to be popular. That is an unhealthy need for leaders. We should desire to be respected but we give up the contest for popularity if we choose to lead. Inherent in leadership is the need to make unpopular decisions at times. 

Leaders are naturally targets when those they lead or others are looking for one. While there are many ways in which leadership can be a deeply fulfilling calling, this is not one of them. This is one of the costs of leadership rather than one of the perks. It is a cost we willingly take on with leadership which is why Peter says that leaders need to be willing to lead. 

How do leaders handle the painful shots that come their way? First, we must realize that ultimately our reputation is in the hands of God. David realized this in Psalm 37 and 73, two Psalms that have been of immense help to me over the years when the the missiles were particularly painful. 

Reputation management by ourselves does not work but God is completely able to handle our reputation in His way and in His time. When we focus on managing our reputation we are focused on the wrong thing. When we focus on doing what is right we are focused on the right thing.

While leaders are not able to share everything, a candid, open spirit can go a long ways to generate trust and understanding. The more open leaders are, the more accessible they become to those they lead. And, while others may not keep their emotions and anger in check toward us, it is important that we do toward others, even those who may not deserve it. Except on rare occasions, and with purpose, leaders seek to de-escelate conflict even when it is targeted at them. This is why I write so often on issues of EQ and leadership. The ability to manage our emotions is a large part of good leadership.

The ability to dialogue with those who become our critics can in many cases win them over, especially if we can speak honestly without losing our relational connection. This does not work with black and white people for whom you are either right or wrong but it does work with reasonable people. When your critics understand that you desire to hear and understand their point of view, even if you don't agree with them, it helps build bridges rather than walls. This is usually a learned skill and a very important one.

This is not possible without a non-defensive spirit, even when we are the targets. Defensiveness escalates the issue while non-defensiveness de-escalates. This is not an easy thing to do in the face of unkind words or actions but one that is a necessary leadership trait. The issue, after all, is often not really about us but about the organization and its direction and philosophy. The more impersonal we can keep the issues, the better chance we have to see resolution. The more we can keep issues impersonal and relationships personal, the better chance we have at resolution and understanding.

None of this means that we simply accept behaviors that are damaging to our organization or team. There are times when we need to be defining and clear about words and behaviors. This is not about us but about the health of the organization. When doing so it is critical to put it in writing or say what needs to be said in the presence of another so that there is clarity and accountability. 

Leaders bear greater responsibility than others especially when they become targets fairly or unfairly. How we respond to shots at our reputation is a test of our leadership.

Personal reflection is only as good as the mirror one uses

Have you ever looked into a distorted mirror and seen a distorted image? Mirrors are great when they are well made. In the same way, our own personal reflection is only as good as the mirror that we choose to use in doing so.

Many people use those who are their greatest fans as their mirrors for personal reflection. It is convenient and exceedingly comfortable as these individuals will invariably tell us what we desire to hear. And what we want to hear are positive reflections.

King David knew the dangers of syncophants who simply told him what he wanted to hear. In the Psalms he does deep personal reflection in prayer and in the Word. What he finds is often not what he wants to see (Psalm 51) but to his credit he responds to the image he sees of himself as measured against the image of God.

If we neglect our mirrors and they become smudged and dusty, they cannot reflect back a sharp image and that is what happens when we neglect the world for any period of time. Our reflection is best when we use it regularly and keep it clean.

David also learned the value of those who would reflect back his behaviors in the person of Nathan who told him a story of injustice that struck David to the core when he understood he was that man. The value of people around us who can gently but honestly tell us the truth is huge in our spiritual growth.

In prayer we experience time exposure to God who will invariably speak back to our spirit. In the Word we have the sword that cuts to the marrow of our lives and in trusted friends we have others who can speak truth to us. These are mirrors we can trust. Many other mirrors will fail us and tell us what we want to see but not necessarily what we need to see.

It's a level playing field

Over lunch recently a friend said to me "You are very important leading an international mission! How do you do all the things you do?" I looked at him and said, "I could never do what you do, how do you do it? (he ministers to gangsters in Hong Kong and is on staff on a church full of former and current Triad members, prostitutes and redeemed underworld figures - many very much in process). 

None of are more important than others in God's kingdom. In the world there is a pecking order based on titles, salaries and perceived importance. In the Kingdom all of us are simply asked to live out the gifting and calling that He has gifted and called us to. That is why what I do is not hard - for me! That is why what my friend does is not hard - for him! In fact, in the Kingdom, those who would be great become servants like Jesus. In His economy the last shall be first and the first shall be last.

We have different roles but we have equal value. We have different giftings but we have equal importance. We need to honor each one in God's kingdom for each is indispensable to what He wants to accomplish. There is no A team and B team: only His team. When we give undue honor to some and not to others we miss the values of His kingdom where the playing field is level and everyone is needed! This is just one of many areas where the values of our world are opposite of the values of the Kingdom.

The emotional EQ of team leaders makes all the difference

Teams are only as good as the Emotional Intelligence of their leaders. Poor EQ makes it virtually impossible to lead a healthy team. Signs of poor EQ include anger, defensiveness, inability to listen well, micromanagement of team members, inflexibility, needing to have their own way, lack of empowerment, to name a few.

Understanding our own selves well and the ability to understand others is a critical skill in any leadership position and ought to be part of the development plan of every leader. The better we understand ourselves and others, the better we manage our emotions (a critical element in EQ), the greater our skill in negotiating conflict and the better we practice the twin issues of empowerment and accountability the better we can lead. Leadership is always about people before it is about strategy and process.

How do we grow in these areas? One is obviously to do personal study on the subject of EQ which can give us a knowledge base. Another is to do personal testing whenever possible that allows us to understand ourselves better. 

I believe, however, that the most helpful practice is to solicit feedback from trusted friends and colleagues about how we are perceived, what we do well with people and where we could do better. The reason feedback is so critical is that there are simply certain aspects of our behavior that we are blind to. Others, though, can reflect back observations that once we become aware of we can pay attention to. 

Because leaders traffic in relationships, people and teams growing our EQ is absolutely essential to our success as leaders and to the satisfaction of those who work with us and under our leadership. Our EQ impacts the whole organization or the part of the organization we lead. For this reason, boards ought to mandate ongoing personal development of their leaders (many businesses do) as well as pay for it. 

Professional development (our particular skill) is important but personal development which includes EQ is just as important for any leader because it impacts those they lead.

Blessing other ministries

I love to help others in any way I can and I love to watch the reactions of those who are not used to someone offering help with nothing expected in return. This is particularly true among Christian leaders who more often compete with one another than collaborate. Or, who are simply too busy focusing on their stuff that they lack the time to add value to fellow leaders.

For me it is about kingdom influence which is a driving force in my life. I want to see the bride (the church) be all that it can be and the gospel expand to every corner of our globe. Thus, anytime I can help other leaders or ministries I am contributing to the Bride and the expansion of the Gospel regardless of whether it helps the organization I lead.

My point is that we often think of ministry expansion as defined by what our ministry does. But if we are willing to look for ways to contribute to the success of other ministries we actually leverage our influence in significant ways – even if we never get credit for it. If we care about His Kingdom we will not only work hard to lead our own ministries well but we will work hard to bless other ministries as well.

That is why ReachGlobal willingly gives away any tools it develops, any systems it has and any lessons we have learned. It is not about us, it is about Him. It also keeps us from a competition mindset. To the extent that we help other like ministries (missions and the church) we bless the growth of the church. It reminds us that we are servants to our own organization, to God and to the mission of the Great Commission. We learn much in the process because we develop new friendships and relationships.

There should be a fundamental difference between the business world (where it is all about competition) and the ministry world (where it is all about cooperation). Any time in ministry we compete against one another we are actually competing against God who is Lord of our ministry and every other ministry. When I help other ministries I bless God and the mission He has given the Church. I would rather bless God than try to compete against Him.

Why ministry teams actually do matter!

I am a great proponent of teams in ministry. I lead through a senior team in ReachGlobal, sit on the senior team of the EFCA and we organize all of ReachGlobal's personnel in teams. This is not leadership by committee but leading through team.

Here is how we define a team: A high-impact team is a group of missionally aligned and healthy individuals working strategically together under good leadership toward common objectives, with accountability for results.

It is interesting to me that the New Testament has a lot to say about teams. When Jesus picked His disciples it was a team of 12. When the first missionaries were sent it was a team of two. When church leadership was established it was a team of overseers or elders. When there was a ministry need in the early church a team of Deacons was established.  Is there in fact a theology for ministry teams? I believe that there is.

Ministry teams reflect the theology of the gifting that God gives to each one of us. We are given specific gifts which means we lack other gifts. It is in the complementary use of those gifts that we make the best decisions and get the best results. I have leadership gifts but don't do process or details well. I need someone who does the details well and someone else who is process oriented to name just two of my many deficits. In team, though we find the complementary gifts that are so important.

I am convinced that the current emphasis on healthy teams in the workplace is simply a reflection of the way that God uniquely gifted us in specific areas and that the theology of God given gifts - which means we need one another - is being played out in the secular arena as we learn more about strengths and weaknesses. 

Doing ministry in a team setting is harder than doing it alone in some ways. It means that we have to interact and cooperate with others. Even Paul and Barnabas could not make that happen early in their career.  While there are certainly people who are not compatible with us it is also true that having to cooperate with others is one of the means that God uses to grow us. Even Paul seems to have realized that he was wrong about John Mark as he speaks fondly of him later in life.

I have found that ministering in a healthy team setting forces me to grow because I must listen to other points of view, agree to group decisions and be flexible with my own desires. In fact, it is the inability of certain people to bend their will to common decisions that is the nemesis of many teams (think church boards). 

Working in team is a great counterbalance to our natural autonomous nature that simply wants to do our own thing. It is a check against our pride and our tendency to make rash decisions. I have been saved from many potentially unwise decisions through my interactions with trusted team mates. It is very rare for me to deal with any difficult situation by myself. It is in the wisdom of several trusted counselors that the best decisions are made.

One of the prerequisites for those who lead through team is a degree of humility. Even as a leader I must submit my will to the team I have brought around me. They are loyal and cooperative but in choosing to lead through team all of us including myself are subject to the group process. I am both the team leader and a member of the team. It is not what I decide but what we decide together. This is a good thing for leaders as healthy leaders must be able and willing to follow as well as to lead. Which is why unhealthy leaders don't lead through team but choose autonomy.

A counter-intuitive idea for celebrating success

We love success in ministry or in our personal lives. It is a sign of God's blessing through the years and each of those blessings we can celebrate for He is indeed the cause of our success. But I have a suggestion that can make that celebration even more interesting.

Why do we celebrate our successes along the way? We do so to mark those places where God has been especially good to us and brought us to where we currently are. However, if we really want to understand God's goodness to us why not choose the greatest failures along the way and hold them up as the milestones of our journey. God was good in our success  but He was magnificent in our failures as He took those failures and made them into something we could never have fashioned from them.

In every failure there is some work of redemption. In every failure there is a work of God's grace. In every failure there is humble recognition that the failure that should have brought disaster brought something good after all, not because of us but because of Him. Think of your life from that perspective! Think of your church from that perspective! Think of the story of redemption from that perspective! 

Nothing humbles us and lifts up the Father than the way he takes our failures and redeems them for His glory. This is one place we cannot take any credit. This is one place we cannot share any of the glory. This is one place where He takes His rightful place and we ours. And it is a good place to be!

The empty promises of materialism

Empty, empty, empty, is life full of stuff and devoid of God. Materialism and the chasing of material wealth has great allure but its promises are so very empty. Like a bottomless pit, there is never enough, the goal line keeps changing and the accomplishment of our goals leaves us wondering where the pay off is. Things cannot fill the God sized hole in the human heart (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

Material blessings are granted to us by God for our enjoyment (Ecclesiastes) but were never meant to bring life its meaning and they cannot. When we substitute stuff for God, when we focus on things for fulfillment, we purchase the ultimate lie of the Evil one. And we do purchase it, one item at at time. Ever expecting some lasting and meaningful benefit but which fades so very quickly. 

The Old Testament prophets laugh at those who worship stone or wood images and it is indeed laughable if not sad. We would never do such a foolish thing. Instead we worship shiny and sophisticated items including gadgets and things on wheels with engines. Is my new HP computer in yet? And why do  I need to stand in line for my new I Phone 5? Cool stuff but not any to give my life meaning.

I am thankful for all of God's blessings, including the material ones for they meet needs and allow me to share with others. They are resources not life givers. Jesus is the life giver and that is one thing we must never forget. Don't buy the lie, one item at a time hoping they will add up to some ultimate meeting. And I have a great deal for you on an I Phone 4S!

When conflict is a good thing

You may be surprised by the title of the blog but the fact is that there can be significant value in conflict if it handled correctly. I am not talking about conflict that arises from poor EQ or power games. I am talking about the conflict of ideas, methodology and priorities.

Why can this be a good thing? For one, it reveals that there are issues that are not clear among those who are experiencing the conflict. Lack of clarity is never a good thing (see yesterday’s blog) so the very fact that there is a lack of clarity gives you the opportunity to work through the issues and come to clarity on an issue that needs clarification.

In addition, it is in the clash of ideas that the best solutions are found. That is why the best organizations today are relatively flat where information is available to all and where it is OK to press into things that we believe need pressing into. Where robust dialogue cannot be had, you have an organization that will suffer because of it. The ability of staff to be able to be candid with one another and their leaders is a barometer of the health of the organization.

One of the common mistakes in conflict is to personalize it rather than to keep it de-personal and seek to identify the clash of values, ideas, or outcomes that has caused the conflict. Getting to what lies behind the conflicting views can help us understand the root issue(s) and allows the group to think through the implications of those root issues. This takes a non-defensive posture by all and a willingness to allow the robust conversation that needs to be had. Often, when you dig to find the root issues – and this only happens in dialogue – you realize that there is an important issue at stake and it was the conflict that brought it to the surface.

Healthy groups have learned the skill of non-defensive conversation and have the ability to keep the conflict centered around issues rather than people. That is a learned skill and a sign of healthy emotional intelligence. It also allows you to use conflict to your advantage rather than allowing it to control you.

What should leaders want to know?

Leaders need to know certain things. Not all things but certain things. Too many leaders want to know the wrong things rather than the most important things. There are four categories of knowledge that are always critical to their success.

First, what is my staff thinking? Too often we assume we know what staff is thinking but we find we are wrong because we have not asked. I want to know if my staff is as passionate about our mission as I am. I want to know if our staff is concerned about issues that I am not aware of. I want to know if there are opinions that have not been shared. Staff is your key intelligence about what is actually going on and whether they are in alignment with you. If you don’t ask probing questions or if staff does not perceive that one wants to actually hear them, you won’t know.

Second, how happy is my staff? I friend of mine once did a consultation with a well known ministry and warned the leader that there was a high likelihood that he would lose key staff members over some dysfunctional organizational issues. The leader didn’t want to hear, didn’t believe the analysis and made no changes. Over the next several years, almost all the key leaders migrated out of the organization.

Staff happiness is impacted by many different issues but some of the most critical include: a compelling vision; ministry clarity; a challenging job; an empowering supervisor; and a collegial ethos. How do you know if staff is happy? Just ask! I ask regularly, “What is your happiness factor (on a scale of 1 to 10)? Almost always I get a candid answer and follow up with questions as to what would make it higher.  In doing so, I am made aware of important issues, some of which I may be able to change.

Third, what do I need to know? That is a common question I ask key staff members. They know a lot of things, much of which I don’t need to know as their leader. However, I trust them to tell me what they believe I need to know. Good staff is intuitive about what they wish their leader was aware of. Asking them this open ended question gives them the opportunity to share what they believe I need to know Follow up dialogue offers further insights.

Four, bad news and potential threats. One of our rules in ReachGlobal is that we don’t like surprises. We know that things will go wrong. We know that there are potential threats to what we do but unless our leaders or staff shares them with us, we cannot act on them.

There should be no surprises to the leader of an organization or to team leaders. Thus, in ReachGlobal we have the SDR rule (Sh** disclosure rule). We know things will go south from time to time but tell us when they do! We will do an autopsy without blame, learn lessons and move on.

Proactive leaders pay attention to the key issues they need to know on an ongoing basis.

Board development

Boards, whether church boards or ministry boards are like any other team that constantly needs to be growing, learning and evaluating its own effectiveness. Too often, we think that because we were put on a board that we have arrived and are among the learned. The truth is that most church and ministry boards are deeply in need of learning better practices and raising the bar on what they do.

But few boards in my experience have an ongoing commitment to growth or a plan for development. I also find board members who are resistant to growth. They are, after all, board members. Ironically, learning boards get more done, get better work done and help the ministries they oversee go to new levels because they themselves have taken a humble learning posture rather than a proud oversight posture.

What are some of the areas that boards need development in?

·       Group process

·       Decision making

·       Conflict resolution

·       Understanding differences in gifting and therefore perspective

·       Efficient meetings

·       Helping the organization get to clarity

·       Developing new board members

·       Ministry evaluation

·       Understanding what is board work and what is not

·       Role definition between staff and boards

·       What a good board member looks like

·       How to evaluate itself

Here are some suggestions for board development. Read several books a year together and set aside some time at one monthly board meeting to dialogue about what you read. Pay attention to blogs on boards such as you will find on this site and others. Periodically bring in someone who knows boards and can do some board training. Pay attention to ministries that resource boards. The bottom line is to be intentional about growing and learning as a board so that you continue to help your ministry develop. Humble, learning boards are the best boards.

Developing as a board is not ancillary work but a primary role of all healthy boards.

Self-deception

Self deception plagues us all to one degree or another but in its severe forms it can be the undoing of ministry leaders and cause significant pain to others.

How would one define self deception? It "is a process of denying or rationalizing away the relevance, significance, or importance of opposing evidence and logical argument. Self-deception involves convincing oneself of a truth (or lack of truth) so that one does not reveal any self-knowledge of the deception" (Wikipedia). The Skeptic's Dictionary puts it this way: "Self-deception is that process or fact of misleading ourselves to accept claims about ourselves as true or valid when they are false or invalid. Self-deception, in short, is a way we justify false beliefs about ourselves to ourselves."

The inherent problem with self deception is that because we have deceived ourselves, we are unable to spot it in our own lives. A friend of mine told a colleague of his that he was self deceived in some critical areas. The colleague pushed back and said absolutely not! Well, how would you know if you were inquired my friend? He went on to point out that the only way for us to be made aware of significant self-deception is for others to point it out. It is something others see but we do not see it. David was self deceived over Bathsheba and it took an outsider, Nathan, to confront him and for David to realize his deception.

This means that the more accessible I am to others, the more likely it is that others can point out self deception in our lives. It also follows that the more isolated we are, or the more resistant to the observations of others, the more likely I will continue down a path of deception until an event is triggered where I am forced to face my issues. The latter is sad because it brings with it far more pain than would have been necessary had we faced our deception early on.

Satan loves to deceive and he is a master at helping to deceive us. In its most deadly form, deception allows us to break ethical and moral boundaries and to fully justify it to ourselves. Thus, we justify an affair, or stealing, or the way we treat those who work for us. After all, we are doing important things and we start to believe that the end justifies the means. Such justification is at the root of many harmful behaviors to ourselves and to others.

Self deception can come in many forms. I may believe that I am a better leader than I am, or may be blind to behaviors toward others that are hurtful. I know of many leaders who have lost their jobs in ministry because they were self deceived about how their staff saw them.  They assumed they were leading well and paying attention to the needs of staff while staff were feeling abandoned and micromanaged. I have also seen leaders deceived about their relationship to their boards until one day it all comes apart.

Because all of us have areas of self deception which are a threat to our leadership or followership, what can we do to minimize the potential damage?

One: We need to be constantly aware of the potential that we are deceived and evaluate our lives carefully and honestly.

Two: We need to have others around us who have permission to speak to us in the event they see blind spots or areas of deception. Wise leaders actually ask the question of those whom they trust around them because they are committed to personal health. Unwise leaders don’t ask and are not open to feedback. I once had someone accuse me of being responsible for issues in his life because I didn’t confront him with what I saw. What he did not realize is that he never asked and he sent very strong signals that he was not open to feedback. In fact, I had already had prior reason to push in on issues that he subsequently ignored. Eventually his world fell apart. He simply was not open to feedback.

Three: It is never a happy day to be confronted by a Nathan. We need to be willing, however, to seriously consider what others see in our lives, evaluate it carefully and respond non-defensively. Defensiveness pushes away feedback while transparency and non-defensiveness invites it.

Four: Invite the Holy Spirit to show you areas of deception. This was David’s plea in  Psalm 139: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Five: Read Leadership and self-deception. It will challenge you deeply.

Don’t be deceived over your own self deception!

I was wrong

Those are hard words for leaders (and others) to say. In fact, they are so hard that you rarely hear them and when you do it is not that direct but some softer variation. Spin and circumlocution are not the purview of politicians alone. 

Leaders don't like to be wrong. The best leaders work very hard to anticipate unintended consequences of decisions and mitigate against wrong decisions for the good of the organization. But all of us blow it from time to time: A bad hire; words that hurt; actions that disempower; strategies that betray us and the list could go on.

Often when that happens we try to explain our way out of it. Why we did it, what we missed, why it was the right thing to do at the time - as if any of those things mitigate against the fact that we were...well...wrong. 

How refreshing it is when a leader simply says. "I was wrong." Those around them know the truth anyway so a candid reply beats a defense of ourselves every time. 

I know leaders who have left a string of broken relationships behind them because they were unable to admit their errors when they violated other people or did not keep their word. You cannot restore broken trust without first admitting that you were wrong. Hard but necessary words. 

The hardest words are the most important words. Others know it is hard and they respect those who can say them. It models a transparency and humility that is much needed in leadership circles. The irony is that we lose respect when we hang on to our pride and gain it when we admit our mistakes.

I will forgive you because....

It is hard to forgive someone who has hurt us badly. Often times it is someone very close to us which is why the hurt is so severe. One of the lessons I have learned over the years in ministry is that we are more likely to be hurt by someone inside the Christian family than from the outside.

The question always is, should I forgive those who have wronged me - especially when they have not acknowledged the wrong and then, how do I do it when the pain is so severe?

I believe there are always three reasons to forgive.

First, Jesus tells me to. He does not tell me to forget, it will not happen. He does not tell me that the pain will disappear: it may fade with time but may never fully depart. He does not tell me that everything will be OK: it may not be. He does not say it will be easy: sometimes we have to forgive over and over and over as the pain and anger and betrayal refuse to go away. What He does say is to forgive (Matthew 18:21-22). This is one command that is a hard command. It is not fair or just or a natural thing to do. It is one of the hard sayings of Christ.


Is this not why holocaust survivor Corrie Ten Boom forgave those who committed the most heinous crimes against her? Her father and her sister Bessie died at the hands of the Nazi's and she endured the infamous Ravensbruck prison camp.

Corrie recounts the day she forgave her SS guard:


“It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain blanched face.

He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message Fräulein”, he said “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.


I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your Forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

Second, Jesus forgave me. It is the parable of the unmerciful servant, Matthew 18:21-35. It is also a hard saying: "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." We have no standing before God when we say, "I will not forgive you for what you did to me" because Jesus forgave us when we did not deserve it. Our offenders may not have deserve our forgiveness - but we did not deserve an even greater forgiveness from Jesus. The truth is that none of us deserve forgiveness from God or from one another. He gave it freely and so we are to give it freely. From one undeserving recipient of grace to another undeserving in need of grace.

Third, bitterness is bondage while forgiveness is freedom. The bitterness that comes from holding on to grievances no matter how large or small is a prison. Here is the irony: when we are wronged the pain can be great but when we refuse to forgive the pain is greater and longer and even more bitter because we now must live with it daily. And this pain is self inflicted. The only way out of our own prison, the injury done to us by others and the injury done to ourselves is to forgive. It is in that act, which may need to be repeated over and over that our own freedom is secured. I refuse to be imprisoned by offenses done to me by others. In forgiveness I find freedom.