Moving from fear to friendships with Muslims

Westerners have a caricature of Muslims that is largely based on media hype around radical Islamists,  9/11, the politics of Iran, Bin Laden, our wars in Iraq and the threat of Iran - all of which tend to breed fear, a desire to keep our distance and frankly a dislike and even disdain for Muslims.

Here is the problem. First, when it comes to the majority of Muslims, none of our caricature is remotely true. Second, Jesus loves Muslims with the same degree of which He loves non-Muslims which leads me to three: we are called to love and minister to those Jesus loves and who (like us) were made in His image.

Stereotypes are almost always the result of a lack of relationship with those we marginalize and stereotype. So the antidote to the caricature we have of Muslims is to actually engage with them in friendship. If every American evangelical had one Muslim friend the attitudes of the same would be vastly different.

I have met many Muslims and interacted with them on numerous ocasssions in the United States and internationally. Somali Muslim kids wave to me from across the street every morning and their basement is furnished with furniture that we outsourced. My taxi drivers and airport workers in Minneapolis are largely Muslim. I have had lengthy conversations with Muslims in my travels. 

While Muslims have a different mindset than we do they have the same dreams, aspirations, struggles, family issues and so on that we do. They are ordinary people who want to live their lives in peace, make a living wage, and negotiate life as well as they can. And most of them welcome a friendship with an American and separate American politics from friendship with American individuals. And because of the hospitality culture they come from once you are a friend, they will be intensely loyal.

As in all cases, friendships are the key to killing stereotypes and opening doors for the Gospel. As it relates to Muslims, the church in the United States must move from fear to friendship with their Muslim neighbors. In doing so our stereotypes will die, real friendships will emerge, the door will be opened to the Gospel and bridges built. Ironically you have more in common with Muslims as an individual than you have that separates you from them. But one does not know that without a friendship.

In fact, the premier curriculum for helping evangelicals understand Muslims and share the Gospel with Muslims is called Bridges and is available from the Crescent Project.

Certainly there are radical Muslims I don't want to associate with and Bin Laden when he was alive never invited me for a cup of tea and had he done so it might have ended badly. But truth be told there are people who call themselves Christians that I don't want to associate with as well (Westboro Baptist Church for instance). As any Baptist would point out, they don't represent Baptists but their own radical agenda.  Radicals of any persuasion are not my cup of tea (including in the evangelical sphere) but they also don't represent most others. 

My challenge for Christ followers is to develop at least one friendship with a Muslim and see how God uses that to change your heart and perhaps their heart. It will also help us move past our fear to something even more important: friendship - where the Gospel usually starts.

Generous churches

Is it possible that many churches see little fruit because they live selfishly? By that I mean that they exist primarily for themselves rather than for those who do not yet know Jesus.


They would never say that about themselves of course. But the number of people who come to Jesus through their ministry are few,  and they have little or no impact beyond the edges of their parking lot.


Generous churches, like generous people, see beyond themselves and their mission is not primarily about themselves but about impacting lives and communities with the Gospel. They give away their time, energy, resources and love so that the name of Jesus is lifted high and His name becomes well known. They love on their community, they love on the unloved, and they love on the unsaved. So much so that whole communities know that they are a congregation of love.


Generous congregations love when people come to them but they are focused on going to others, meeting them on their ground and ministering to them on their turf. They look for ways to meet needs, share truth and love people in the name of Jesus. They don't wait for people to come to them but find ways to go to others. 


Life is not about us but about Jesus. It is true for us personally and it is true for congregations. Just as many Christ followers don't get that, so many congregations don't get that. But those who do see the  fruit of their generosity as people and communities are impacted with His love and we are energized by our Christ centered actions and God's smile on our lives.


How do we know whether we are a generous congregation? Here is the test. Would those in our area say we love on the community? Do they even know we are there or are we a non-event because our influence stays inside the boundaries of our parking lot? Are we living generously or selfishly?

Sticker shock in missions

It often surprises people when mission candidates share the amount that they need to raise per month. One candidate in the process of raising support told me that they will often hear "Wow, I don't make that much" when they explain that they need to raise $6,000 per month. 


Not so fast! Missionaries in our organization make a fair but modest income. But, we are not comparing oranges with oranges when thinking about our income and what missionaries need to raise.


Think about this. The total amount a missionary raises includes the following:

• salary
• health insurance*
• travel expenses (for all ministry related travel domestically and internationally)*
• ministry expenses*
• cost of educating children overseas
• housing
• taxes (including all of social security)*
• continuing education*
• retirement*
• cost of setting up a home overseas

Each of the starred items are "hidden costs" in the United States as these are paid partially or fully by employers and never show up as compensation. In addition, there are expenses missionaries have that most of us don't including the need to pay for the education of children.

If they are living in cities with high housing costs (often the case in Europe and Asia) the housing costs are significantly higher than the United States. It is not unusual for a modest flat in a place like Hong Kong to cost $3,000 per month!


In addition, whatever ministry expenses a missionary has must come out of their support. Travel to coach or train nationals, for instance, comes out of their ministry account (which they must raise). In today's world, many missionaries live in one place but travel to multiple countries training, coach and mentoring. All costs which come out of what they must raise.

What we often don't think about are the actual costs of ministry personnel in our local churches. On top of salary you have benefits paid by the church, the cost of offices and facilities, the cost of support personnel who assist them as well as the covering of ministry expenses. It is a much larger bill than we often realize. With missionaries the difference is that everything shows up in what they need to raise. There are no hidden costs.

Ironically, mission incomes are quite modest. It is the ancillary costs that are not. The next time you have sticker shock remember what the number means - and does not mean.


One final comment. We should never use the cost of sending missionaries as an excuse to no longer send long term personnel internationally. That would be to abandon the call on the church to fulfill the Great Commission. It is true that in today's world the role of missionaries is changing but not the need. 

How do we help people grasp the fact that lost people are lost and face an eternity without Jesus?

It is not politically correct to state this. We don't like to hear this. Many evangelicals in their bones do not believe this. Lost people (those who don't know Jesus) are lost and without a relationship with Him they are destined for an eternity in hell. In the words of Jesus, "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels (Matthew 25:41).'"

Many American believers like to believe that "all roads somehow lead to God and to heaven." We like to believe that because it fits our politically correct culture and Satan has convinced many Christians that a loving God would not allow "good" people to go to hell. It is like hoping that we will somehow not die one day. It defies the laws of human existence, just as hoping our lost friends, family and colleagues defies the laws of God's clearly stated truth.

If we cannot trust the Scriptures that those who are lost for eternity will not be in heaven how can we trust the Scriptures that those who know Jesus will be in heaven. Scriptures are either truthful or not and on eternal destinies there is wonderful news and terrible news.

How do I know that many Christ followers don't believe in the reality of eternal hell for all those who don't know Jesus? Surveys tell us that! But more importantly, lifestyles tell us that. If we really believed in an eternity without God would we not be more motivated to pray for our unsaved friends, spend time with them, share the Good news with them and do all that we could to see them introduced to Jesus? It would also motivate us to generously resource the global missions of the church to reach those who have never had a chance to hear the Gospel.

We are more motivated today to talk to others about the diet we found that is working for us than we are Jesus who changed our lives forever - and can change theirs. Why? We possess the most amazing gift anyone could ever have and we are too shy or fearful to share that news with others. 

The fact that those who don't know Jesus are destined for eternity without God needs to be a conversation we have with ourselves, with others and for those of us in Christian ministry with our constituents. It is not evangelism motivated by guilt but motivated by deep love, compassion and concern. How many people do we come into contact with daily who are the living lost and one day will be the eternally lost?

If you struggle with sharing the good news of Jesus, it starts by developing relationships with unbelievers. Those conversations inevitably lead to talk about our lives and struggles which gives us open doors to talk about faith and Christ. It is very simple. We underestimate the power of the Gospel's simple message to penetrate hearts. Not because we were convincing but because the Holy Spirit takes that message gives it understanding in those who are seeking. All we need to do is to share.

Emerging leaders

After spending several days with a bright group of emerging leaders in dialogue about the heart, leadership, strategies and spiritual transformation I am reminded of the significant responsibility that seasoned leaders have toward the next generation. If we don't pour into them who will?

Some of these were in missions, others in the local church, some in business. What characterized them was a hunger to learn, to explore, and to pick the brains of those of us who were presenting and dialoguing with them. I was personally challenged by their passion and commitment to Jesus - and their desire to lead well.

All of us have people in our circles who fit the description of emerging leaders, whether it be in the church, in other ministry contexts, in missions or in business. Our willingness to give ourselves away to them is the indicator of how much we value ensuring that the next generation is equipped and envisioned for the world they will inherit from us.

While leadership growth never stops, those of us who have led, who have paid dumb tax and learned lessons along the way, who have experienced failure and success, been humbled, and who  been forged in the midst of difficulties and challenges - have a lot to contribute to those who are emerging in the next generation of leaders. They will lead differently but their leadership can be deeply informed by others who will pour into them.

This is a 2 Timothy 2:2 issue: Multiplying ourselves so that the cause of Jesus is multiplied in our world. What are you doing to see that happen in your circle? Remember, life is not about us but what we leave behind us.

Transformational Leadership

There is much discussion around the issue of transformation today, as there should be. One thing that we often overlook is that ministries are  often deeply in need of transformation and renewal as well and it is the job of leaders to see that happen. I call this transformational leadership.

Transformational leadership in the Christian ministry arena is the deliberate creation of healthy, empowered, Spirit led, collegial and effective ministries. It is the opposite of managing the status quo. Instead, the transformational leader sees his or her job as bringing transformation to all areas of the  organization where malaise, bureaucracy, lack of Spiritual sensitivity, unempowement, lack of missional clarity or alignment and focused results has crept in. This is not a one time thing but an ongoing concern. Organizational renewal is always ongoing.

It is organizational change designed to breath life, spiritual vitality, missional clarity and focused results into it. The transformational leader applies the principles of spiritual transformation into an entire ministry organization. On the individual side they create a culture where spiritual transformation is encouraged and on the organizational side they create a culture where spiritual vitality and missional clarity can flourish.

All good leaders are change agents toward healthy organizational structures, cultures and ethos where individuals can flourish and be all that they were made  to be. Because organizations slide toward institutionalism and comfortable, leaders are constantly ensuring that they stay missional and focused. When a leader ceases to be a transformational leader they cease to be effective.

Transformational leadership starts with leaders who make transformation in their own lives a priority. One cannot take others where one has not been themselves. They are then deliberate in creating the healthiest environment within the ministry or team that they lead. 

Are you a leader or a transformational leader and what does that look like for you and your organization? Where is your organization in need of renewal?

13 Leadership secrets from TJ

Clarity
The first job of leaders is to provide maximum clarity to those they lead about what their organization is about and how they will do what they do. The second job of leaders is to ensure that there is alignment around that clarity. The third job of leaders is to ensure that there are results based on that clarity. Leaders are the chief evangelists for the clarity they have defined for the organization.


Simplicity
Ministry is complex. Complexity is confusing. The job of leaders is to simplify complexity. Leaders simplify, simplify and simplify until all important issues can be explained on one sheet of paper.


Altitude
Leaders understand the altitude that they need to fly at in order to lead well and resist the temptation to dip down to fly at an altitude others are supposed to be flying at. Leaders do not disempower others in the organization by dipping down and doing what others are tasked with.


Empowerment
Leaders empower those who work for them within agreed upon boundaries. They neither delegate without accountability or micro manage and second guess. Leaders empower good people and hold them accountable for results.


Team
A group of missionally aligned and healthy individuals working strategically together under good leadership toward common objectives with accountability for results. Leaders build teams carefully and lead them intentionally.

Resolve

Leaders must have the resolve to follow through consistently with the clarity they have established. Clarity means nothing without the consistency of disciplined execution in a same direction. Leaders have staff who learn never to question their resolve.


Trust
Trust is a function of clarity + consistency + fairness + keeping one's word + authenticity + serving those on one's staff. Leaders always keep coinage in their trust account.


Failure
If one never fails one is living and leading too cautiously. Where there is not permission to fail there is no entrepreneurial thinking and where there is no entrepreneurial thinking there is no significant progress. When failure occurs, leaders practice autopsy without blame.


Evaluation
The mantra is plan, do, check, adjust. Leaders evaluate constantly.


Wisdom
Common wisdom is very common and rarely wisdom. Leaders think like contrarians, always asking why and why not? Leaders do not automatically go with the flow. Rather, they question the flow and look for new and better ways to do what they do. Leaders question conventional wisdom frequently.


Change
Tweaking is fear based change and one cannot tweak one's way to a new future. Leaders look for the game changers that change everything. A few truly significant decisions each year are more powerful than many insignificant decisions.


Results
Leaders never mistake activity for results. Everyone is busy but not everyone sees the same results. Leaders distinguish between activity and activity that yields intended results.


Intentionality
Leaders are deeply intentional in how they live and lead. They never settle for accidental living. Leaders know what they are about, what their priorities are and what they should say no to.

Organizational pride and humility

Pride is not only an issue for individuals but for organizations as well. Ministries can be prideful or humble and while it is not always seen on the inside, it is usually evident from the outside.


Take a church, for instance, that experienced great success in its past. It was well known and looked up to. Years later when it has passed its prime the leaders and congregation still think of themselves as "that" church that had once been - proud of who they are when in fact they are long past that era and in serious need of change and renovation. What keeps them from that change? Pride!


Organizations tuat are proud become organizations that stop learning, listening to others, and become stuck in whatever era it was that saw their greatest success. Humble organizations are the opposite. They know they have a lot to learn, know that times and circumstances change and are always looking for ways to learn and grow.


Pride is as destructive to ministry organizations as it is to individuals. It inflates importance and therefore decreases a humble attitude of learning,. It overvalues itself and undervalues others. In doing so it becomes insular and sees no need to cooperate with others. After all, it has a corner on the ministry market. 


And it is a dangerous place to be because that corner is an illusion and the moment we stop learning, cooperating and valuing others our own decline is set in motion. We may not know it for a number of years but it will set in. 


I want the organization I lead to be the best that it can be. But that best is predicated on being a humble, learning, cooperating, giving and servant organization. Pride destroys effectiveness while humility promotes it.

Brokenness is the way to wholeness

Recently I have had the privilege of hearing the stories of a number of couples who are vibrant followers of Christ with strong marriages and a deep commitment to ministry. They all have something in common: their wholeness came through deep brokenness along the way.


It is the way of growth for those who follow Jesus. Mary Ann and I know this as well which is why we wrote the book When Life Comes Undone: Walking in Faith when Life is Hard and Hope is Scarce. 


Why the dichotomy of wholeness through brokenness? It is quite simple: It is in our brokenness that we finally allow God to do the renovation work in our lives that brings the healing and joy of wholeness. God's construction of healthy comes on the heals of the deconstruction of our lives that pain brings. 


One of the common themes among these couples is that they are deeply thankful for the brokenness they experienced. It was in their pain that they faced the bitter realities of their own sin and need and in the process found the amazing grace of Jesus' forgiveness and healing. They would not be where they are today without the dark night of the soul they experienced along the way.


Freedom and wholeness come to those who press into Jesus in their brokenness. That is why I call pain and suffering - no matter its source - as an unlikely gift. It is a wonderful thing to come to the place where we have nothing to trust in but God. When He is all we have, we realize that He is all we need. In the wake of the deconstruction of our lives through pain we experience the life that Jesus brings (John 10:10).


The key to wholeness of life is that we press in to Jesus and allow Him to do the renovation our lives need. And that usually comes in its greatest form in our deepest time of personal need.

It's easier to plan than to execute

One of the challenges with many Christian ministry staff is the propensity to plan, plan and plan. Why? Because it is easier to plan than it is to execute. It is safer too! 

As long as one is planning nothing can go wrong! Also not much happens!

We tend to want to plan processes perfectly. It is a nice idea but it is impossible. What one does need to know is where one is going and what is going to be done to get there in the next one to three years.

If a plan cannot be explained on one sheet of paper (OK maybe a large sheet) it is too complex. Remember: ministry is complex; complexity is confusing; it is our job to clarify complexity. 

We need a plan but simple beats complex every time. Once we have a plan what we really need is a large measure of disciplined execution. 

Most ministries should do less planning and more execution - of a simple, understandable, reasonable plan.

Ever wonder why those long range planning exercises gather dust? They are too complex so they don't get done. Simple and workable is far easier to execute than complex. 

Can you put your organization's vision on ten power point slides with how you are going to achieve it? Try it. It will help you simplify your clarity. And it will help you get to action.

Challenging questions from the life of Jesus

If Jesus accepts me fully, why don't I accept myself? If He made me the way He wanted me to be why do I wish I was different (Ephesians 2:10)?


If Jesus has willingly forgiven all of my sin (1 John 1:9), why do I hold on to grudges with others rather than forgiving them?


If Jesus has invited me to join him in His work, why do I focus on myself instead of signing up for His Kingdom assignment (Ephesians 2:10)?


If Jesus has poured out on me all the riches of His glory and power and relationship and provision, why do I complain that I don't have enough (Ephesians 1-2)?


If Jesus spent his life looking for those who were hurting and in need of him, why do I spend most of my time with fellow Christ followers?


If Jesus gave me grace when I didn't deserve it why do I withhold it from others who don't deserve it?


If Jesus lived in unity with the Father and the Holy Spirit, why don't I work harder to live in unity with my fellow believers?


If Jesus lived with an open hand, why is my hand closed so often?


If Jesus needed to spend time with His Father why don't I make that time in my life?


If Jesus served with humility why do I live with so much pride?


If Jesus lived a life of suffering why do we think we are immune and complain when it happens?


If Jesus never marginalized and put down people why do we do it?


The life of Jesus challenges my life, and yours!

Five issues often ignored by church and ministry boards

There are a number of issues that ministry boards often overlook, thinking that they are small items and not worth pressing into. These small items, however, have the potential to significantly impact the ministry over the long run.

1. Allowing their leader (pastor or other) to operate without a definable annual plan. The thinking is that we have a competent leader and insisting that he has an annual plan isn't that important. It is! 

If the senior leader does not have an annual plan then neither in most cases do other staff or the organization as a whole. Bad idea if you want a results oriented ministry.

2.  Not evaluating your pastor or ministry leader annually - and against the annual plan they developed. Again we think, at this level, evaluations are not important. In fact, at this level they are even more important because the leadership of your senior leader impacts everyone in the organization. 

In addition, it gives you a venue to talk about issues that you may want dialogue on. You don't want to start reviews when there is a significant issue. Get into the rhythm before issues arrive so that you have a venue to deal with them when they do.

3. Ignoring bad hires, early departures or trends with staff that could be warning signs of staff culture trouble. We want to give our senior leader great leeway and we should. But not at the expense of asking hard questions when there are warning signs flashing that all might not be well. If there is a warning light coming on, explore it, don't ignore it.

4. Allowing a leader to continue year after year when the ministry has plateaued, direction is missing and key people are departing because of it. We don't like confrontation (which is usually a good thing). But keeping quiet in the face of organizational decline is criminal for board members whose job it is to guard the organization. When senior leaders cannot lead well and they become the cause of ministry decline, they must transition out of their leadership role.

5. Not honestly and candidly evaluating themselves as a board - and allowing for unhealthy practices at the board level. Boards are not immune from the same scrutiny they give their leader and the ministry they oversee. When they are immune, they often allow unhealthy and non-missional behavior that hurts the organization they represent.

While these issues may not seem important to you right now there will come a day when they are. Ignoring them it a prelude to trouble that can be traced back to those in governance.

What is stalling your personal development?

There are a number of keys to personal growth but one of the most important is removing barriers to that growth. Thus the question: what is stalling your personal development?


We often strive harder when we want to grow but often it is not a matter of working harder but rather in addressing those issues that are inadvertently stalling our growth. Remove the barriers and we grow.


I spoke with someone recently, for instance who had struggled for years with certain personal disciplines regarding time, schedule, time with God and a number of other things. This is a highly successful individual by the way which indicates that such struggles are common to us all. 


In the last year he was able to put structures in his life that enabled him to live out the disciplines he so desired and he is on a spiritual growth spurt that is like his initial years with Christ. He is the happiest and most productive he has ever been and it is all the result of removing a significant barrier to growth.


Barriers to growth are like dams. Once removed the river of growth flows unfetterd by the dam that held it back. Those barriers are as diverse as are people but usually we know what they are in our lives. 


The question is not about not knowing but in determining what we are going to do about them - precisely because we don't want to stall out in our personal growth.


Take some time this week and ponder what barriers are holding you back. What barriers need to be removed to allow you to go the the next level spiritually, professionally or personally? Taking action will allow you to move forward.

Unempowered, unhappy and undervalued staff

I have met my share of people in ministry positions recently who have been working for unempowering leaders, hierarchical structures, controlling leaders or who have been sidelined or unappreciated by the leadership structure above them. 

They feel like they are swimming upstream, their voice is not heard, that they cannot use their gifts to the fullest and while they love the ministry mandate of their organizations they feel like they no longer fit. It is a sad commentary on many ministry cultures. In many cases the controlling and unempowering culture causes great pain to those who are caught in its grip.

Whenever I have conversations with folks like this I think of the great waste of ministry potential, the frustration factor for good staff and the net loss to the kingdom. I cannot help think that God may hold leaders accountable for not fully releasing other ministry personnel for the sake of His kingdom.

What is more sad is that the leaders who cause this dysfunction don't even know they are doing it, or don't care. I have had leaders tell me how happy their staff are but when I ask some questions of those staff I find a radically different story. It is clear to me that the leader has assumed much and probed little. 

One of the trends I am watching is high quality staff who are leaving these dysfunctional cultures in their fifties as they realize that life is short and they want to be in a place where they can experience convergence between their gifts, God's call and an empowered ministry culture. 

The beneficiaries of those moves are ministries that value their staff, create empowered cultures, collegial teams, and value the gifts, voice and ideas of their ministry colleagues. For those who have been in the bondage of dysfunctional or unempowered ministries it is a breath of fresh air.

If you are a leader and value your staff, think about the culture you are creating. If you are a staff member in the wilderness of unempowered cultures, know that there are ministries that will release you to use all of your potential. Life is short and the opportunities are huge.

When leadership boards become the barrier to church growth

Leadership boards play a significant role in whether congregations grow or hit a plateau or even go into decline. 

Here is a general rule. The more time a leadership board spends on managing the day to day affairs of a church the greater the barrier they will be to church growth. The more time a leadership board spends on thinking and praying about the future the greater the chances that ministry growth will occur. 

Why? Because a focus on the status quo will give you more status quo while a focus on the future will lead you toward that future.

This is why leadership boards should allow staff and volunteers to do the managing of day to day affairs and spend the majority of their time (50 % or more) thinking, praying and planning for the future.

How does a leadership board get to a place where it can afford to spend a good portion of their time in praying, thinking and learning so that they can move the ministry forward? 

First plan your agendas around the big rocks not the small rocks.

Second, task others with coming up with systems or solutions to the small rocks and third delegate whatever they can to others so that they can do what they should be doing.

This is why the Apostles delegated the looking after the widows in the early church to others. It was the first known ministry team!

Whatever boards focus on will be the thing that gets done. It is a simple but important principle. 

My book, High Impact Church boards, goes into greater detail if you need to refocus your board.

Leadership self evaluation

As a leader I have high expectations of those who work in our organization. These include integrity, being focused on our common mission, creating a healthy atmosphere for our staff to flourish and then small things like returning emails and phone calls. In fact, we have a short document called "expectations of a leader" that spell these out.


From time to time I need to evaluate myself to ensure that I am living by the same standards I expect of others. It is all too easy for leaders to develop a sense of entitlement that the rules do not apply to them. And we know that others will not generally call us on it - we are their leader. It doesn't mean they don't notice, however! 


Not only do staff notice but it directly impacts the opinion they have of their leader, either creating great trust and respect or cynicism and disrespect. It is easy for leaders to miss this point because no one is calling them on their failure to live up to the leadership expectations. 


Here is an interesting scenario. It is possible for a leader to be well respected outside his/her staff because they accomplish good things but have far less respect within their staff because those who know them the best don't see them living out staff expectations. The real test of our leadership is whether those who know us the best respect us because we keep the common commitments well. We live what we expect from others. 


From time to time I directly ask those who report to me if there are things I do or don't do that negatively impact them - or that they wish I would do differently. If there are areas where I am falling behind I want to know about it so that I can rectify my shortcomings. 


All of us have shortcomings but wise leaders ensure that they are living out what they expect of others. It is a matter of leadership!

Avoid the comparison trap. It is toxic to us.

Too often our view of ourselves deeply flawed. Rather than seeing ourselves for who we are we do so instead through a lens of comparison with others. That comparison creates a distorted view of ourselves: We see not who God made us to be but something different and someone different.


It is bad enough that we compare our own self worth against other people but we further complicate it by comparing our circumstances, positions, opportunities and wealth against those of others. These comparisons often create envy of others which directly leads to a lack of peace in our own lives.


Why are comparisons with others toxic for us? First because God uniquely made us as He wanted to, gave us the gifts He designed for us and a work to do that He created only for us (Ephesians 2:10). If we don't like who we are our argument is not with others around us but with God Himself. The problem is that God does not create anything but the best and it is only in embracing His purpose for our lives that we experience the greatest happiness and satisfaction.


Second, we tend to think that if we had the gifts, opportunities or wealth of others that we would be happy. Ironically, those we compare ourselves too are no less or more happy than we are. Their joy, like ours, depends on embracing the calling on their lives. And behind the good looking exteriors we all put up are issues struggled with, pain dealt with and their own set of challenges to work through.


Looking at our lives through the lens of the lives of others is like looking through a highly distorted window. No longer do we see who God made us to be with the gifting and purpose He designed for our lives but we distort our picture with what He intended for others. That distortion skews our thinking, robs our joy and more important sidetracks us from the role He uniquely designed for us to play. 


Our joy and satisfaction comes when we embrace who God made us to be, how He uniquely gifted us and how He wants to use us. Try to embrace someone else's gifting and calling and we lose our joy (and it cannot be done anyway). Stop comparing and start embracing and we experience the joy of a life God made for us. 


God has given us amazing, mind blowing gifts (Read Ephesians 1 and 2). One of those specific gifts is the making of the unique us (Ephesians 2:10) along with a specific mission in life. Embrace it, thank God for it and live it out and we will be the most joyful and satisfied of people. Distort all that by comparing ourselves with others and the joy and satisfaction is robbed.


Avoid the comparison trap. It will rob you of what God intended for your life.

The cost of freedom

As a reader of history I am always amazed and deeply appreciative of the cost that was paid for the freedoms we enjoy and which most of the world does not. Men and women who willingly went into the line of fire knowing the risks and who were willing to pay the price - often the ultimate price. Memorial day is a sober day for anyone who has walked the graveyards of Normandy, Manila, Hawaii and others scattered around the world.


As one who regularly travels to countries where our freedoms are non existent, I am all too aware of what freedom means - or the lack of it. 


There is another kind of freedom that is even more important - that of the spiritual freedom that the Gospel brings. And there is a long list of God's servants who have given their lives, and do every day around the world. There is no freedom in this world, political or spiritual without a cost. 


Just as our world is in need of those like my nieces and nephews who are in the armed services defending our freedom, the church needs those who will go to hard places for the sake of the Gospel in spite of the risk. Political freedom brings temporal freedom. The Gospel brings temporal and eternal freedom.


I thank each member of our team in ReachGlobal who have given their careers to the cause of the Gospel. And to every member of every mission and every Christian worker in hard places. Your willingness to answer the call of Jesus is paying eternal dividends of men and women and children who have found freedom in Jesus.


Freedom is costly. It is also worth it. God's army is still waiting for those who will join it!

Those who need to control and how to recognize it

I am convinced that the desire to control others is a result of the fall and our sinful nature. And there are many people who are very good at controlling others. Often we feel the uncomfortable nature of someone's control but cannot always pinpoint the source of the control or its dysfunctional nature. 


Sometimes we don't realize the controlling nature of the relationship until we are out of the relationship. An abused spouse, for instance, often does not realize what freedom is until they have been out of the abusive relationship for a period of time and it is in retrospect that they are able to pinpoint the sources of the control.


People and even groups of people control others in a variety of ways: actions; anger; flattery; attitudes; words; money; organizational structure; friendship or lack of it; intimidation; closeness or marginalization. In each case, the effort is to control the actions, thinking or behavior of others. 


How does one know if there is control going on? Here are some signs:

• I am feeling pressured to act or believe a certain way
• I feel the displeasure of another when I act independently
• My relationship with another is based on how I respond to them
• I feel intimidation
• I experience flattery when doing what the other desires and anger or distance when I don't
• I experience threats: implicit or explicit
• The other wants an exclusive relationship with me and is not comfortable with me having a variety of relationships
• There is not freedom to disagree or push back
• The other has an attitude of "you are either my friend or my enemy", "you are either for me or against me."
• The other feels free to critique me but does not give me the freedom to critique them
• I often feel an air of condescension or superiority
• I feel used in certain circumstances where I am expected to act on their behalf when they need it but there is not reciprocation
• I am often wrong but they are not - at least they make me feel that way

What these kinds of feelings are telling us is that there is dysfunction in the relationship that is violating our sense of personal freedom. If a relationship has these kinds of feelings to it we are wise to do some introspection on the relationship because it is usually going to end badly. 

The reason it will end badly is that this is not a true and healthy friendship. Rather it is a relationship where one is being used - and when no longer needed will be discarded. Those who control people ultimately use people for their purposes. Otherwise they would have no need to control. 

Beware of controlling relationships. Someone is ultimately going to get hurt and it will not be the controller.

What your pastor might want to tell you if he could

Dear congregation:


It is a joy to serve you, most of the time. I love you and I love what I do but there are things that irritate me too. The problem is that while you have full freedom to tell me those things that irritate you, it is harder for me to tell you. So, this anonymous letter.


I know that Sundays are convenient days to talk to me about concerns you have, or criticisms, but it is not convenient for me. Nor Monday's. I work so hard to be ready for Sunday when I preach and teach and it is really discouraging when I get sideswiped by issues on those days. Can you wait till at least Tuesday?


Also, as a pastor I have a congregation with 500 adults which also means 500 people who have an opinion on almost everything. I want to know what you think if you can share it nicely and without an agenda to force me to do something. Part of being a body is being flexible enough to deal with the varied people we have and to learn to live together in harmony. I try to be flexible. I hope you can be as well.


On that matter. Remember that this is not the church you left to come to this one. I know they did things a certain way but we are not that church (remember why you decided to leave there?). We are a different church with our own DNA and way of doing things. So please don't expect us to do things the way your past church(s) did them.


Sometimes I do things that irritate others. I guess it is part of being human. I know that as the pastor that is not really allowed but it can and will happen. Can you forgive me as I get to forgive a lot of others on a regular basis? It is hard to preach to people who are holding grudges and issues that they won't let go of. Maybe you could sit in the very back instead of the front row if you can't let it go :). 


I am learning to not be as defensive as I sometimes am. I guess one can become so when they care so much about something and I care a lot about the church and its people. Easy criticism is hurtful to me because I am doing my very best. Thoughtful, loving dialogue is something I can handle a lot better if you have constructive ideas.


I know it bothers some of you that I cannot be at all events. The truth is that I have a family like you and I do my best to balance my family and ministry responsibilities. I also get tired from the many heavy issues that people have and bring to me. I love to minister to hurting people but sometimes I just need to get away and regain my perspective and rest. Thanks for understanding.


Oh, another thought. On a lot of things you really don't need me. You need someone to help but not necessarily your senior pastor. We need to learn to minister to one another and not expect the pastor to do all the ministering. I am pretty sure that is why the Holy Spirit gives gifts to everyone. Let's spread out the caring and ministry so that we are all in ministry because otherwise I will burn out. I cannot carry the load but I will gladly share the load. And you?


Really, most of the time my work is a joy which is why I do what I do. But I did need to share with your my perspective on a few things. Thanks for listening. I love you (most days).


The pastor of a typical church, maybe yours.

Conflict avoidance creates greater conflict: four ironies regarding conflict

Here is an irony. In the name of peace we often avoid conflict - addressing issues that we know are real issues but that we don't want to have to work through. What results is usually even greater conflict because existing issues were not addressed and at some point in time those unresolved issues erupt and create a much greater mess than one would have had if they had addressed the issue earlier. 

In our effort to avoid conflict we actually create greater conflict down the road. In fact, the greater the blowup the longer the underlying conflict has usually been avoided. So those who choose avoidance as a strategy set the group up for a larger confrontation at a later date.

Here is another irony! We consider conflict to be a bad thing. In fact, it is usually a helpful thing because the fact that there is conflict is an indicator that there are issues that need to be resolved. Conflict is simply an indicator that there is an underlying issue that must be addressed. 

In itself, conflict is neither good or bad, simply an indicator, like a tachometer going into the red zone that you better shift into another gear or the engine is going to get too hot. Ignore your tachometer and you have engine trouble. Avoid conflict and you have relational trouble. 

A third irony. It is in the working through of conflict - usually competing agendas, philosophies or critical issues that the best solutions are found. Conflict avoidance solves nothing. Resolving the conflict by addressing the competing ideas or issues actually makes the organization a stronger one. The resolution may not satisfy everyone but getting everyone on the same page is far better than allowing competing agendas or ignoring issues.

We often avoid conflict out of fear that in naming the issue we will look like troublemakers. Ironically, our fear is usually unfounded. In most cases everyone is in the know that the conflict exists already. So in pretending that all is well when everyone knows it is not is pretty silly and solves nothing. How often do church boards or ministry teams ignore the elephants in the room that everyone knows exist.

In many cases, the other members of the group are glad that someone has simply named the elephant and at least opened the floor so that it can be discussed. Until someone names the issue that underlies the conflict nothing can be done. Once named it is an issue that can be discussed. 

As a leader I have had to work through conflictual issues with other leaders or staff on occasion. In every case, it has revealed either fault lines of misunderstanding, philosophy, direction or agendas. Without resolving those fault lines our ministry suffers from the divisions that fault lines bring. Resolution (which can take different forms) can bring unity and strength.

Whatever you do, don't ignore conflict which is an indication of fault lines you want to resolve.

Leadership challenge 101: managing our schedules

Managing our schedules so that they don't manage us is one of the most critical challenges every leader faces. Not only are leaders action oriented (we do stuff) but we face significant pressures from others for our time to say nothing of the many outside opportunities that come along. We find ourselves pulled and pressed and sometimes, don't have time for the most important things, or time at all!

If we are not careful, our schedules will manage us and it won't be pretty. If we can learn to manage our schedules life is a lot more productive. Leadership 101 is learning to schedule by priority in order to achieve the results we desire rather than to live accidentally. If you are a leader and struggle with your schedule you are in good company. We all do and learning to manage it better is key to maximizing our influence.

Managing our schedules starts with personal clarity about what we are called to do. There are people around us who have many ideas for what we could or should be doing (all good) but choices must be made and they need to be made on the basis of what we know is important for us. This presupposes that we have done the work of understanding who God made us to be, what He wants us to do and what is most important in our leadership role.

I know, for instance that I have four main responsibilities in my role. Having defined those, I am able to ensure that these key areas are not pushed aside by other activities and that they get scheduled first. 

Here are some practical pointers for managing one's schedule.

1. Identify what is important for you to do and what things others can and should do. As a rule, don't do what others can do.

2. Schedule ahead and ensure that the priorities for your work get scheduled first. Put in what is critical for you and then back-fill with other less important things.

3. Leave some margin so that the unexpected does not completely blow up your plans.

4. Talk to a trusted colleague about your schedule and allow them to weigh in on what is truly important and what is nice but ancillary. My wife can be irritatingly correct about some things I say yes to which she knows are not the highest priorities and which will steal my margin.

5. Evaluate your schedule monthly to ensure that the big rocks are being accomplished and not being pushed out by the sand and pebbles.

6. Get comfortable about saying no to nice opportunities that should not have your name on them. 

7. Think grey about opportunities until you need to commit to them. Doing so gives you the opportunity to think and pray them through without committing prematurely.

8. Always schedule in think time so that you are doing the leadership work of thinking for your team or organization. No one else will do your thinking for you. It is part of  what leaders do.

9. If you are consistently behind or missing obligations it is a sign that one needs to rethink the schedule and commitments. If it is important it should get done - on time (speaking to myself here).

10. Develop rhythms. Doing key work consistently develops habits that allow you to work efficiently.  

Fear based leadership

There are ministry leaders whose primary leadership trait is that of fear. Before any decision is made, there are endless discussions of whether the decision is right, lots of second guessing, revisiting of the issue, dragging feet on pulling the trigger and anxiety about whether they should move forward or not. If some leaders are too impulsive, fear based leaders are so risk adverse and fearful of something going wrong that they become paralyzed by that fear.


This is crazy making for staff who want to get on with things and become frustrated when their decisions or recommendations get the same scrutiny, questions, and reservations as their boss's. Endless meetings are had, issues rehashed time and again, decisions made and then revisited. 


Why? Because the senior leader is so driven by not making a mistake, not communicating something improperly, not doing something that might fail. It is caution gone amok. It causes him or her not only to scrutinize their own decisions but those of others and leads to micromanaging the work of others out of the same fear. It is fear based leadership and is not true leadership at all.


Fearful leadership comes out of a lack of self confidence, deep anxiety about making a bad call and fear of what others will think if they make a poor decision. The fear paralysis of the leader becomes a paralysis for the organization as a whole. Because leading is about being in front of others, leading them into the future, fear based leadership is not leadership at all but is really just the opposite: keeping the organization from moving forward out of an abundance of caution. 


Fear based leaders need serious coaching or counseling to get at the root of the fear that haunts them. Unless they can understand those fears and face them they will not be able to lead or if they do will not attract and keep other good staff. 


If you suffer from decision making fear ask yourself, "What is the absolute worst thing that could happen if the decision went south?" How likely is that worst thing to happen? If it did would it be so bad? One soon realizes that the fear is not only unfounded but silly when you play out the scenario. 

Empowerment that actually disempowers.Leadership by benign neglect

Think of empowerment as a horizontal line. On the left hand side is the manager or leader who micromanages - highly disempowering to those they lead. At the extreme right side of the continuum is total empowerment or actually neglect of staff which is equally disempowering.

Leaders on the right end of the continuum often think that they are highly empowering leaders. After all they rarely if ever tell staff what to do. But what they are actually doing is neglecting their staff to the point that staff must figure out what their job and priorities are without any structure, framework or guidance. They also have to solve problems without the help of their leader. This is leadership by benign neglect. More accurately it is a lack of leadership that usually makes for frustrated staff.

Leaders who lead by benign neglect think that they are doing their staff a favor. In reality they are not doing their staff any favors.

Here is why.

First, when there is a leadership vacuum, someone will fill it. If a leader or manager is not leading someone else will exert their influence. That someone else may or may not be a favor to the rest of the team. They are free to control others and drive their agenda, however, because the organizational leader is not providing adequate oversight.

Second, people want and need clarity about their role and what the organization is up to. I have actually had staff who work for benign neglect leaders tell me that they don't know what they are supposed to be doing or what their role is. Staff who must fend for themselves are generally frustrated.

Third, staff often feel as if their manager or leader is not engaged in the team or organization. The truth is they are right! The leader is engaged in his or her personal agenda but not in helping the staff of the organization if they lead by benign neglect. Neglect is of course not leadership but an abdication of leadership.

In my experience this situation occurs for a number of reasons. It may be that the leader has grown an organization by the force of their vision but does not have the skills to be an organizational leader. It may be that the leader is more interested in their own world than providing the leadership that the group needs. Either way, their staff feel disempowered.

If a senior leader is not wired to organize, lead, provide clarity to staff, mentor and coach staff they need to find someone who can and will. This is where a strong COO role is needed but in order to be successful, the senior leaders needs to cede organizational authority to the COO and then stay out of staff and management issues. In the absence of a strong internal leader, benign neglect leaders will eventually stall or plateau their ministry because the larger a ministry the more critical clarity and good organizational structures become.

Back to the empowerment continuum. The place to be is in the middle. Not micromanaging but not neglecting. It is empowerment withing boundaries with clarity and accountability. No favors are done staff with micromanagement an no favors are done with benign neglect. Both disempower rather than empower.

The fear factor

Fears: we all have them. It is what keeps us up at night and lives in the pit of our stomach, rearing its ugly head over some trigger that sets them off. They may be real fears or imagined fears (what if that happened?) but in a world where bad things do happen and the nightly news is mostly bad (and exaggerated)  we cannot escape our fears.

But we can manage them with the help of God. It fascinates me that the most often repeated command in Scripture is to fear not. Do not be afraid! Often coupled with the statement "I am with you" (see Joshua 1). This is because faith is the currency of God's Kingdom while fear is the currency of our world. Fear kills faith (which is why the evil one loves it) while faith builds confidence in God's ability to handle any situation we could ever face. Fear holds us back while faith drives us forward. 


The great pantheon of heroes of faith in Hebrews 11 all had much to fear - and most of them paid for their faith dearly. But in each case they chose faith over fear, trusting even in what they could not yet see because they believed the promises of God. They countered fear with trust and faith.

One of the great advantages of memorizing scripture (yes even adults can do it) is that the truth of God's word is a powerful antidote to the many untruthful or fearful messages stored in our brain. The Holy Spirit is a master at pulling out of our minds the very truth that we need at the moment we need if - if we have been diligent in putting it there. 

King David, the head of state in Israel made constant reference to the words of God that he had hid in his heart. Those words were the realignment mechanism for him when he faced even the most difficult circumstances.

When I was in a Thailand ICU wondering if I would live or die, on a ventilator and unable to do anything about my circumstances and in excruciating pain, fear was very real! I battled that fear with the words of Jesus to Peter when Peter got out of the boat in the storm. "Fear not." "Why are you afraid?" "I am with you." Those few, simple words fought back the storm of fear, kept it at bay and allowed me to trust God in a very hard time. It was not without a colossal struggle but faith won over fear. And it can for you as well.

Fear is a normal human reaction but faith is the currency of God's Kingdom (Hebrews 11). Fear can only be fought back with the truth of God found in His word. Put it in your heart and the next time fear raises its ugly head, counter attack with God's word.  

Choosing joy today

It is one of the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) but how many truly joyful Christ followers do you meet? Living with joy is both a gift (the Holy Spirit gives it to us) and a choice (I will choose to live in His joy). He gives the gift. We decide whether we will choose joy over pessimism, sadness or sorrow.


Unlike typical self help talk, the joy that Jesus gives is not the discipline of talking ourselves into a happy state regardless of our circumstances. Rather it is a joy based on the presence of Christ and the hope of Christ in the midst of our circumstances. He is the source of our hope and joy. He is the one who never leaves us or forsakes us (Romans 8). He is the one who promises to work His will in our lives, go before us, provide us with what we need for the day and be our advocate for the circumstances we face. 


This, then is no self help "joy" but a joy based on God's presence and promises. In those days when we don't feel joy we can choose joy, knowing that it is a gift from Him. In those days when our circumstances don't dictate joy we can choose joy knowing of his presence in our circumstances. 


Living with joy is choosing to see life through God's eyes and in light of His promises. It is living in His presence and remembering His promises. It is rejecting pessimism in light of God's gifts which He showers on us. It is choosing Him and hope over our circumstances and all the problems we see around us.


Joy is a wonderful gift. I choose joy today.

Five reasons we don't confront needed changes

Because of the work I do, I am surrounded by ministries - churches, mission agencies and Christian non-profits who need to make major changes or face significant issues if not decline and death. Here is what they need to know:

If you don't like change

you're going to like irrelevance even less

What keeps so many leaders and ministries from confronting the need for significant change in order to grow, take advantage of new opportunities and re-envision for the next run? There seem to be some common factors.

First, we become comfortable and change is uncomfortable. I am amazed at the ability of comfort to cause people to ignore even major risks they face by choosing comfort over change. Comfortable is the nemesis of faith, vision and new ideas. 

Second, we don't want to confront the idea that major change is needed. This is simply intellectual laziness that does not want to put in the hard work of figuring out what needs to change in order to go to the next level or simply avoid falling to a new low. 

Third, we resist the idea of getting outside help when it is most needed. In our self sufficiency and pride, we choose to keep the discussion in house with the limited knowledge that got us to where we are today (in need of change) rather than reaching out to someone who can look with fresh eyes at the challenges you face and suggest fresh ideas.

Fourth, we underestimate the pace of change around us, thinking that we have plenty of time to address it. You don't! Change is rapid and our turtle pace responses often overwhelm us leaving us with few choices when we could have had more choices. 

Fifth, we lack the courage to name our current reality in honest, candid, stark terms which would create a crisis among thinking people. In not naming the true nature of the threat we allow ourselves and others to minimize the need for change.

What is your reason for not confronting the need for change? 


See also:
When ministries need to change
Paradigm shifts and the job of leaders
Bringing change to your organization
Convincing the unconvincible

When it is time for ministry founders to transition

Ministry founders are special people. They took risks to get the ministry up and running and took it through the hardest period - the early years. The ministry vision was theirs. The decision making was theirs and others largely acceded to their wishes because the founder represented the vision and heart of the ministry. Often, for many years their decisions went unchallenged even by those who they brought into leadership around them. The ministry is seen as the founders ministry.


Founders often forget, because of the role they play that the ministry is not theirs. In fact, once a ministry goes beyond one person (the founder) it is no longer His or Her ministry and they are simply stewards of that ministry. 


Once there is a board there is an acknowledgement that there is also accountability to others and the ministry is no longer a sole proprietorship. In other words, even though the founder played and plays a special role, it does not belong to them and they are now accountable to steward well and accountable to those in leadership above them.


The transition from being in control to being accountable to others is often a hard transition for founders to make. After all, they are entrepreneurs who figured out how to get the ministry to where it is today. In their minds, nothing has really changed except that the ministry is larger and they now have more structure. They believe that they made the right calls in the past and can and should continue to make the calls in the future.


In reality, though, a lot has changed: The ministry is not larger but different, there is now a formal leadership structure that even the founder is under, others legitimately want a seat at the leadership table and what was once "mine" is now "ours" and the founder is just one of the players. Whether the founder realizes it or not, the whole world around them has changed and it is a new day that relies much less on them than it once did. 


In addition, and this is a very hard thing for founders to grapple with: there often comes a time when the leadership needs of the organization have moved beyond the leadership skills of the founder. This poses a delicate issue for them and their board. For founders, because admitting that they are no longer the needed leader is very tough - they got the ministry to where it is. It is in their minds their ministry. For boards, because they need to make a transition while acknowledging the special part that the founder has played.


I have watched high profile ministries do this well and do it poorly - it depends on how the board handles it and how the founder responds to it. However, these dynamics hold true in small ministries and churches as well. Many times, founders hold on and their fingers need to be pried open to allow the ministry to move on and flourish in the next run. Sometimes, when founders hold on tenaciously they end up seeing the ministry they built go into a sad decline.


In ministry, founders are not owners but play the start up role. Whether they can transition from the start up role to that of leading a different and more mature organization depends on their skill set. Some can and some cannot. Both boards and founders, however, need to acknowledge that the ministry does not belong to the founder. It is not unlike parenting. My kids grew up and now make their own independent decisions - and organizations grow up and start to make their own independent decisions. 


Founders are special people. Most people cannot start something like they did with their faith, courage and entrepreneurial spirit. But they and their organization need to understand that this does not mean that the ministry belongs to them. And there will come a time when they need to release the ministry to the next leader.

Conflict, reconciliation, Jesus, the church and us

The church, in general, has a pretty bad reputation when it comes to one of the most fundamental calls of the Christian faith - reconciliation. As a church consultant I have seen the road kill and carnage of congregations that fight with one another, people who don't forgive one another, spirits of animosity that poison relationships, recrimination, power plays and church splits. 


Pastors are guilty, board members are guilty and paritioners are guilty. Sometimes, whole congregations are guilty. All of us at one time or another have been guilty. Think of the conflicts we experienced with friends early in life let alone as the years went on. 


Paul, himself, who I will quote below had severe conflict with his partner Barnabas, John Mark as well as with the Apostle Peter. None of us are exempt in a fallen world. Fortunately it seems there was reconciliation in later years. Time has a way of bringing perspective and healing.


While I understand the sinful nature we still deal with as Christ followers, I cannot help but believe that the heart of God is deeply grieved over the divisions within His family - especially the unwillingness of people to seek reconcile their differences (however that is able to be done) and at the least live at peace with one another and at the best understand each other. Our inability to do so is really a rejection of that which Christ did for us in His death on the cross. 


The story of God with a rebellious creation is that of reconciliation. The overarching story, of course is that through Jesus we can be reconciled to God - because of His substitutionary death on the cross for us. This reconciliation brings forgiveness of our sin and therefore peace, fellowship and friendship with God which is what our Creator meant for His created in the first place.


This reconciliation, however has further implications. In Jesus, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28). The many things that have divided us, race, ethnicity, social status, education, political party or gender have all been broken down by the cross where we meet God and one another as equals. In God's family, the distinctions that divided us are erased by the Holy Spirit who has made us part of a new family.


Jesus anticipated this breaking down of barriers when He prayed His high priestly prayer in John 17:23: "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."


Likewise, Paul, wrote frequently of the unity of the body because of our adoption into God's family and the work of the Holy Spirit. Consider these words in Ephesians 4:1ff. "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."


Here is my question: If God was willing to send His very son to make reconciliation with us possible why, after receiving that gift, are we not willing to go the smaller distance to seek to reconcile ourselves with others in the family of God?


Is it any wonder that society as a whole is cynical of the work of God when His own people cannot live at peace with one another and fight the same personal and political battles as are fought in Washington between differing political parties? We can be just as nasty, just as vociferous and just as unforgiving and stubborn as the most unregenerate unbeliever. Yet we claim the name of Jesus!


We cannot control what others do or don't do but we can control what we do or don't do. Are we willing to be peacemakers rather than divisive? Are willing to forgive rather than to live in bitterness? Are we willing to overlook the failures of others since love covers a multitude of sins?


I also believe that we need to do a better job of helping our congregations understand the central place that reconciliation is to  play in the life of a congregation. The church should look different than the rest of society! We are, after all His people with His Spirit which is a Spirit of unity. This is an issue that needs to be addressed regularly in a world that is so deeply divisive. 


Living on this side of eternity conflict is inevitable - even among God's people. It is how we handle that conflict that is the important issue. Reconciliation is all about how we choose to handle conflict and broken relationships when they occur. 


What reconciliation does and does not mean:


It does not mean that the conflict was wrong or bad. Without disagreements important issues do not get clarified and addressed. Conflict itself is not bad. In fact it can be exceedingly healthy because it reveals the need to clarify some issue. What it does mean is that we choose to resolve the conflict in a way that is God honoring. As much as it is possible!


It does not mean that we must agree with the other party but it does mean that we can choose to disagree and not hurt one another any longer. Some issues will not be sorted out until eternity when we see fully and where our emotions are no longer in the way.


It does mean that there must be a cease of hostilities, slander, gossip and bad attitudes toward one another. The reputation of Jesus trumps my personal need to be right or vindicated. Carnal behavior in conflict is sin and must be resisted.


It does mean that we try to understand the other party's point of view even if we believe it to be wrong and misguided. The ability to listen, empathize and understand (even if we don't agree) goes a long ways to damper hostilities.


It does not mean that we need to change our minds on an issue if after discussion we remain convinced that we are being true to our beliefs and the facts as we understand them. 


It does not mean that we need to be close friends, or even friends. It does mean that we will not be enemies any longer. We can choose to bless one another without trying to be friends or to force relationships that have been broken. Sometimes keeping a distance is smarter than closeness when conflict has been severe and where it is clear that there cannot be a common solution.


It does not mean that we will always be able to sort through the issues. It takes reasonable, humble and teachable people to sort through issues and that is not always possible. Sometimes we must simply choose to put the issue behind us for the higher value of Christian unity. It does mean that if we have sinned in our attitudes during the conflict we ask forgiveness for our part. 


It does not mean that we forget the offense. That may or may not be possible. It does mean that we choose to forgive the offense because we are commanded to by Jesus who forgave our offences.


It does not mean that we pretend that the issues did not matter. Often they do and pretending that they did not or that all is now well when this is not true is a disservice to the concept of reconciliation. The hardest kind of reconciliation is when we cannot fix the issue but we choose to live at peace in spite of the issue.


Who do you need to reconcile with?


See these other blogs:
Incarnation and reconciliation
Reconciling irreconcilable differences
Unfinished business