The longer we live the more disappointments we incur in life: some major and life changing, some less so but disappointments nonetheless. They come in the form of illness, injustices, things beyond our control and some change our lives forever. It is the nature of life. All of us experience them, none of us are exempt. At 55, I have a long list of them.
The question is not whether disappointments will come but how we will choose to deal with them. There are three common responses, the first being bitterness toward God. We would not label it as such but it is there, lying just below the surface for many people. That bitterness distances them from God because if He is responsible for our pain, what can be said about His goodness, His love, His reliability and His care for us?
But think about this: "It is easy to blame God for bad things that happen in this world. The truth is that in blaming Him we are doing something even more terrible. We are blaming the perfect and holy God who created a perfect and holy creation for the sin that we as humans brought into the world in rebellion against Him. In essence, He created a perfect world, but we rebelled and now blame Him for the imperfect world. We ask why He allows bad things to happen, why He tolerates injustice and evil and sorrow and pain. Blame is heaped on the One who sought the very best for men and women made in His image who instead chose to rebel and go their own way. That is the greatest possible transfer of responsibility ever (When Life Comes Undone, p. 52)."
Bitterness toward God is exactly what the evil one wants for our lives for he is in the business of stealing, killing and destroying (John 10:10). His lie is that God is responsible for the evil in our world while the truth is that we are responsible for that evil along with the evil one. Blaming the creator and therefore alienating ourselves from Him is one of the classic lies of Satan who uses that lie to destroy our relationship with God.
A second response to the disappointments we incur is to simply decided to settle for a diminished life. To allow a profound sadness to permeate our lives, steal our joy, rob our passion and hold us hostage to our pain. Again, the evil one has won because he has stolen from us what God intended for us (John 10:10). In that same verse, Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." Jesus said this knowing all the issues we would face living in a fallen world and still He promises that He will give us life and life to the full.
A third response is to press into our loving Savior, with faith that He is who He says He is, Has our lives in His hands, redeems pain for His purposes, and turns our human scars into divine scars if we will allow Him to. And that, He is with us in our pain for He experienced the same kind of pain when he walked our earth so that we can "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 5:16)."
Choosing to trust God in the disappointments of life is the essence of faith. It is choosing to trust when we don't see the end and cannot understand the rationale. It is trusting God when we cannot see the answers we seek or the end we desire. Read again that great definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for."
In the disappointments of life we cling to what we hope for in Jesus and we believe in what we do not presently see - knowing that He has provided the hope and that He sees what we do not see. And in that choice, we choose life, we choose trust, we choose faith, we choose Him and the fullness of life which He promises despite our circumstances or pain.
All of us suffer from disappointments in life. Which choice are we making today?
Friday, September 9, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
The one thing I look for in staff
There are naturally a number of things that we look for when hiring staff at any level of an organization - or when recruiting volunteers. Things like competency, Emotional Intelligence, fit with the culture of the organization and so on. But here is one non-negotiable for me which I will not compromise on: humility.
Humble individuals are teachable. They treat others with respect. They are eager to learn from others and can play on a team well. They don't need their own way and don't fight stupid intramural battles. They care more about the accomplishment of the mission than their own ego. In fact, their own egos don't get in the way of finding the best solutions in a team setting. They are not looking for personal recognition but want a win for the organization. Their humility makes it possible for them to keep short accounts and to apologize when they are wrong or have offended others. They are not competing for attention but are easy to have on the team.
Those who lack humility are prideful. Pride causes us to want to one up others, to get our own way, to claim the accolades personally. It prevents us from apologizing and keeping short accounts and can kill team spirit because it is about us, not the team. Pride keeps us from learning from others or from receiving counsel or rebuke. It craves recognition, importance, authority and control. It is slow to praise others and competes for that praise. It often treats others with carelessness and lack of consideration. True introspection is difficult as pride gets in the way of seeing what is really there.
Now think carefully about the implications and characteristics of a humble or prideful individual on your ministry team or more importantly in a leadership role. Think about the impact their natural behaviors have on those they work with and the outcome of the ministry. Think about the ease of supervising a humble individual compared to a proud individual. Finally, compare these two kinds of people against the character of Christ and one sees how critical a humble spirit is to all that we do in Christian ministry.
When you choose staff, don't miss this test. Almost without exception when I have dealt with a serious staff issue, there is an element of pride that is involved and gets in the way of healthy resolution. There is a reason that humility is so close to God's heart. It is part of his character.
Humble individuals are teachable. They treat others with respect. They are eager to learn from others and can play on a team well. They don't need their own way and don't fight stupid intramural battles. They care more about the accomplishment of the mission than their own ego. In fact, their own egos don't get in the way of finding the best solutions in a team setting. They are not looking for personal recognition but want a win for the organization. Their humility makes it possible for them to keep short accounts and to apologize when they are wrong or have offended others. They are not competing for attention but are easy to have on the team.
Those who lack humility are prideful. Pride causes us to want to one up others, to get our own way, to claim the accolades personally. It prevents us from apologizing and keeping short accounts and can kill team spirit because it is about us, not the team. Pride keeps us from learning from others or from receiving counsel or rebuke. It craves recognition, importance, authority and control. It is slow to praise others and competes for that praise. It often treats others with carelessness and lack of consideration. True introspection is difficult as pride gets in the way of seeing what is really there.
Now think carefully about the implications and characteristics of a humble or prideful individual on your ministry team or more importantly in a leadership role. Think about the impact their natural behaviors have on those they work with and the outcome of the ministry. Think about the ease of supervising a humble individual compared to a proud individual. Finally, compare these two kinds of people against the character of Christ and one sees how critical a humble spirit is to all that we do in Christian ministry.
When you choose staff, don't miss this test. Almost without exception when I have dealt with a serious staff issue, there is an element of pride that is involved and gets in the way of healthy resolution. There is a reason that humility is so close to God's heart. It is part of his character.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Muslims are not the problem
Regardless of what we hear - Muslims are not the problem! Islam is (and I know that is not politically correct). Islam literally holds over a billion people hostage to a system that keeps people in bondage.
Consider: within Islam it heretical to question what the Koran says or how it is interpreted. Many women are kept in absolute bondage within their homes and often kept from receiving an education. In addition, they are forced to live with other wives causing ugly family rivalries and dynamics. Women have virtually no rights and are considered property of their husbands. It is forbidden to consider other faiths and conversion to Christianity can be a capital offense. The Koran is used to justify lying to non Muslims and killing the same. Children are brainwashed from an early age in many contexts to hate all non Muslims, especially the infidel west. Sharia law includes stoning for adultery, harsh penalties for women who disobey their husbands, the cutting off of hands for certain crimes and other penalties that defy justice. And, worst of all, the system is designed to keep people in it, allowing no debate, no dissent or no escape - which is why communities even in the west are insular and through fear, seek to keep people enslaved in the system. And the greatest fear of all is not knowing if one is in good standing with God and therefore what their eternal destiny is. One can hope and pray but it is all in the will of God which we cannot know!
But what of the people enslaved by such a system? Muslims are the victims of Islam. They are enslaved by miss-truth, by Scriptures which are not from the God of heaven, by a system that keeps them from exploring other options, by fear of violating that system and its consequences, and by a belief system that leaves one in limbo regarding their salvation. Muslims are victims of Islam and in need of believers who will love them, show them the wonders of the Gospel and invite them to freedom.
I love how The Crescent Project, a ministry that helps churches minister to Muslims states their vision: "We see a day when fear is replaced by love and millions of Christians are actively sharing the truth of Christ with millions of Muslims for the glory of God."
There is great fear among many regarding Muslims. As believers we should not fear for God died for Muslims as he died for all people. He died so that they could be freed from the prison and spiritual bondage of Islam. And we should always remember that the problem is Islam and the victims of Islam are its very adherents.
If you or your church is interested in reaching out to Muslims one of the premier tools is The Bridges curriculum developed by The Crescent Project. Check it out. You will also find that many Muslims are open to a conversation regarding spiritual things.
Consider: within Islam it heretical to question what the Koran says or how it is interpreted. Many women are kept in absolute bondage within their homes and often kept from receiving an education. In addition, they are forced to live with other wives causing ugly family rivalries and dynamics. Women have virtually no rights and are considered property of their husbands. It is forbidden to consider other faiths and conversion to Christianity can be a capital offense. The Koran is used to justify lying to non Muslims and killing the same. Children are brainwashed from an early age in many contexts to hate all non Muslims, especially the infidel west. Sharia law includes stoning for adultery, harsh penalties for women who disobey their husbands, the cutting off of hands for certain crimes and other penalties that defy justice. And, worst of all, the system is designed to keep people in it, allowing no debate, no dissent or no escape - which is why communities even in the west are insular and through fear, seek to keep people enslaved in the system. And the greatest fear of all is not knowing if one is in good standing with God and therefore what their eternal destiny is. One can hope and pray but it is all in the will of God which we cannot know!
But what of the people enslaved by such a system? Muslims are the victims of Islam. They are enslaved by miss-truth, by Scriptures which are not from the God of heaven, by a system that keeps them from exploring other options, by fear of violating that system and its consequences, and by a belief system that leaves one in limbo regarding their salvation. Muslims are victims of Islam and in need of believers who will love them, show them the wonders of the Gospel and invite them to freedom.
I love how The Crescent Project, a ministry that helps churches minister to Muslims states their vision: "We see a day when fear is replaced by love and millions of Christians are actively sharing the truth of Christ with millions of Muslims for the glory of God."
There is great fear among many regarding Muslims. As believers we should not fear for God died for Muslims as he died for all people. He died so that they could be freed from the prison and spiritual bondage of Islam. And we should always remember that the problem is Islam and the victims of Islam are its very adherents.
If you or your church is interested in reaching out to Muslims one of the premier tools is The Bridges curriculum developed by The Crescent Project. Check it out. You will also find that many Muslims are open to a conversation regarding spiritual things.
Leaders and critical thinking
One of the unique roles leaders play for their team or organization is the discipline of critical thinking: Where are we going? How will we get there? What are we going after? What spells success? Do I have the right people? Are they situated in the right "lane"? Is there absolute clarity around our mission? What are the priorities for this coming year? Who will take over if I am taken out of the picture? Are we maximizing our spiritual influence? and the list could go on.
Taking the time to reflect on the most important questions that help a ministry flourish is one of the key jobs of a leader. Because it is a hidden practice (it is not up front) and because it is not a physical activity, it is often lost in the busyness of all the other things leaders must do. Yet this basic discipline is the most critical thing a leader should be doing on an ongoing basis.
If a leader does not pay attention to this area of their leadership role, someone else in the organization who thinks deeply often will. They will be the ones asking the right questions and trying to help the team define clarity and success. Ironically, people will gravitate to and often follow the individual who can help the organization think critically whether they have the title of leader or not. While many do not have the skill for critical thinking (they are primarily doers), most desire to have clarity about what they are about, where they are going and how they will get there.
As the leader of an organization, I actually build into my schedule, thinking and writing days or weeks. They are intentionally kept clear for the discipline of thinking, and then clarifying through writing. I also have some key members of my staff who are great critical thinkers and regularly we will call a meeting in a room full of white boards to tackle a significant issue. In fact, the majority of my meetings are designed to do problem solving, get to clarity on an important issue, rethink how we are doing what we do and maximize our impact.
The discipline of critical thinking extends to hires that we make as well. There are few decisions that are more critical than the people one hires. They will either help drive the ministry forward or keep it back. The higher the level the hire, the more true this is. Thus, investing significant time in evaluating, dialoguing with, listening to and thinking through the strengths and weaknesses they bring to the ministry is crucial.
There are consequences to every decision we make. Part of critical thinking is to ask the question: What are the unintended consequences of the decision we are considering. All decisions have consequences, it is the unintended consequences that we need to identify because they can compromise the very thing we are trying to accomplish. Knowing them becomes part of the critical thinking equation.
In a complex world, critical thinking is often a group activity. While I do a great deal of thinking about organizational issues alone, I never pull the trigger on a major decision without involving my key ministry colleagues. The power of combined thinking and wisdom is far higher than the wisdom of any one of us by ourselves. This is also why I often call meetings of key individuals to together tackle an important issue.
This requires a spirit of humility and collaboration on the part of leaders. Lone ranger leaders, no matter how great their critical thinking skills are will not maximize their organization's potential by themselves. We need other critical thinkers around us as well as their buy in - and if we together are part of the solution, we will all buy into that solution.
Good thinkers are also people who seek the wisdom of colleagues from other ministries to find out what they are experiencing, how they are tackling like problems and what "dumb tax" they have paid that you should avoid. If ministry leaders talked more often and with greater candor we would together raise the bar for all of our ministries.
Critical thinking is a hallmark of leaders who stay in front of those they are leading, always asking the right (and hard) questions, and always looking for better solutions to maximize the spiritual influence of their organization. It is also the route to innovation!
Taking the time to reflect on the most important questions that help a ministry flourish is one of the key jobs of a leader. Because it is a hidden practice (it is not up front) and because it is not a physical activity, it is often lost in the busyness of all the other things leaders must do. Yet this basic discipline is the most critical thing a leader should be doing on an ongoing basis.
If a leader does not pay attention to this area of their leadership role, someone else in the organization who thinks deeply often will. They will be the ones asking the right questions and trying to help the team define clarity and success. Ironically, people will gravitate to and often follow the individual who can help the organization think critically whether they have the title of leader or not. While many do not have the skill for critical thinking (they are primarily doers), most desire to have clarity about what they are about, where they are going and how they will get there.
As the leader of an organization, I actually build into my schedule, thinking and writing days or weeks. They are intentionally kept clear for the discipline of thinking, and then clarifying through writing. I also have some key members of my staff who are great critical thinkers and regularly we will call a meeting in a room full of white boards to tackle a significant issue. In fact, the majority of my meetings are designed to do problem solving, get to clarity on an important issue, rethink how we are doing what we do and maximize our impact.
The discipline of critical thinking extends to hires that we make as well. There are few decisions that are more critical than the people one hires. They will either help drive the ministry forward or keep it back. The higher the level the hire, the more true this is. Thus, investing significant time in evaluating, dialoguing with, listening to and thinking through the strengths and weaknesses they bring to the ministry is crucial.
There are consequences to every decision we make. Part of critical thinking is to ask the question: What are the unintended consequences of the decision we are considering. All decisions have consequences, it is the unintended consequences that we need to identify because they can compromise the very thing we are trying to accomplish. Knowing them becomes part of the critical thinking equation.
In a complex world, critical thinking is often a group activity. While I do a great deal of thinking about organizational issues alone, I never pull the trigger on a major decision without involving my key ministry colleagues. The power of combined thinking and wisdom is far higher than the wisdom of any one of us by ourselves. This is also why I often call meetings of key individuals to together tackle an important issue.
This requires a spirit of humility and collaboration on the part of leaders. Lone ranger leaders, no matter how great their critical thinking skills are will not maximize their organization's potential by themselves. We need other critical thinkers around us as well as their buy in - and if we together are part of the solution, we will all buy into that solution.
Good thinkers are also people who seek the wisdom of colleagues from other ministries to find out what they are experiencing, how they are tackling like problems and what "dumb tax" they have paid that you should avoid. If ministry leaders talked more often and with greater candor we would together raise the bar for all of our ministries.
Critical thinking is a hallmark of leaders who stay in front of those they are leading, always asking the right (and hard) questions, and always looking for better solutions to maximize the spiritual influence of their organization. It is also the route to innovation!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Missionary Lifestyles
We all know that authentic relationships with non-believers are critical to the mission that Christ left us. We are the bearers of the good news of the Gospel. Every follower of Jesus is a missionary to those in their circles of influence. There are no non missionaries in God's family. For some of us the question is, how do I do this most effectively?
First, remember that people are people, not projects for evangelism. Every man, woman and child has intrinsic worth as people made in the image of God. We develop relationships with others because God cares about them and therefore we care about them. Incarnational relationships are about stepping into relationship with others because they are loved by God and therefore by us. Just as God gave us unconditional love in spite of all of our issues, so we extend the same to others with the love God has given us. Just as Jesus looked for men and women in need of His love we do the same.
Second, we have more in common with unbelievers than we often think. All of us face common family, personal, work, children and other issues of life. One of the keys to developing authentic relationships is simply being transparent about our lives. Christians who put on a front that all is well all the time are not only lying to themselves but they are missing a unique opportunity to relate and connect with others. By being transparent, we invite transparency. That transparency draws us closer to those we are with and it opens opportunities to talk about how we deal with the challenges of life - which has a lot to do about faith.
Third, think about how you can love on those you have befriended. My wife, Mary Ann, puts it this way. "If I were in their position, what do I wish someone else would do for me?" So, when our neighbor has the flu, Mary Ann cooks a dinner and delivers it. Simply putting ourselves in the shoes of others helps us know how to best respond to them.
Fourth, pray for your friends. The hardest work in introducing someone to Christ is not done by us but by the Holy Spirit. Our regular prayer changes hearts as the Holy Spirit does His quiet work. Also, when a friend shares a problem they are facing simply ask "Can I pray about that for you?" Often they have never had someone offer to pray. If the opportunity is there, ask if you can pray with them right there. Together you lift their challenge to the throne of Jesus. This is far more powerful than we realize because in involving them they too are being invited into God's presence.
Fifth, when the opportunity comes up, be transparent about your own faith in Christ. My two nearly fatal illnesses have been the cause of much conversation by many who know of what happened. When people ask, "How did you pull through?" we simply tell them about the many people who prayed for me and how God miraculously healed. These kinds of conversations open doors to other conversations of faith. All people are on a spiritual journey and we want to encourage them to take the step over the line from unbelief to belief.
Sixth, introduce your unbelieving friends to other believing friends. There is a quality of relationship among believers that unbelievers are not used to. There is a quality of marriages that they are often unused to. Being with God's people opens the eyes of unbelievers to a world that they may not be used to. It certainly should challenge their world.
Seventh, be ready to share in simple terms your own spiritual journey and how God has changed your life. In the context of relationship and transparency this is neither out of the ordinary or pushy, it is simply life on life conversation. Encourage your friends to read the Gospel of John or other Scriptures and introduce them to good reading material. And continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will work in their hearts.
Missionary work is all about friendships where we genuinely enter into the lives of others with the same love and intentionality that Jesus did when on this planet and with us. And it is amazing to watch the Holy Spirit work and to be a part of God's redemptive plan with others. There is nothing more exciting in life.
First, remember that people are people, not projects for evangelism. Every man, woman and child has intrinsic worth as people made in the image of God. We develop relationships with others because God cares about them and therefore we care about them. Incarnational relationships are about stepping into relationship with others because they are loved by God and therefore by us. Just as God gave us unconditional love in spite of all of our issues, so we extend the same to others with the love God has given us. Just as Jesus looked for men and women in need of His love we do the same.
Second, we have more in common with unbelievers than we often think. All of us face common family, personal, work, children and other issues of life. One of the keys to developing authentic relationships is simply being transparent about our lives. Christians who put on a front that all is well all the time are not only lying to themselves but they are missing a unique opportunity to relate and connect with others. By being transparent, we invite transparency. That transparency draws us closer to those we are with and it opens opportunities to talk about how we deal with the challenges of life - which has a lot to do about faith.
Third, think about how you can love on those you have befriended. My wife, Mary Ann, puts it this way. "If I were in their position, what do I wish someone else would do for me?" So, when our neighbor has the flu, Mary Ann cooks a dinner and delivers it. Simply putting ourselves in the shoes of others helps us know how to best respond to them.
Fourth, pray for your friends. The hardest work in introducing someone to Christ is not done by us but by the Holy Spirit. Our regular prayer changes hearts as the Holy Spirit does His quiet work. Also, when a friend shares a problem they are facing simply ask "Can I pray about that for you?" Often they have never had someone offer to pray. If the opportunity is there, ask if you can pray with them right there. Together you lift their challenge to the throne of Jesus. This is far more powerful than we realize because in involving them they too are being invited into God's presence.
Fifth, when the opportunity comes up, be transparent about your own faith in Christ. My two nearly fatal illnesses have been the cause of much conversation by many who know of what happened. When people ask, "How did you pull through?" we simply tell them about the many people who prayed for me and how God miraculously healed. These kinds of conversations open doors to other conversations of faith. All people are on a spiritual journey and we want to encourage them to take the step over the line from unbelief to belief.
Sixth, introduce your unbelieving friends to other believing friends. There is a quality of relationship among believers that unbelievers are not used to. There is a quality of marriages that they are often unused to. Being with God's people opens the eyes of unbelievers to a world that they may not be used to. It certainly should challenge their world.
Seventh, be ready to share in simple terms your own spiritual journey and how God has changed your life. In the context of relationship and transparency this is neither out of the ordinary or pushy, it is simply life on life conversation. Encourage your friends to read the Gospel of John or other Scriptures and introduce them to good reading material. And continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will work in their hearts.
Missionary work is all about friendships where we genuinely enter into the lives of others with the same love and intentionality that Jesus did when on this planet and with us. And it is amazing to watch the Holy Spirit work and to be a part of God's redemptive plan with others. There is nothing more exciting in life.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Church programming and its impact on evangelism
Yesterday's post on Building authentic relationships with unbelievers presupposes that we have time to invest in those relationships. Perhaps one of the most challenging issues is that many churches program so heavily that it sucks up most if not all discretionary time of the congregation leaving little time for relationships outside the church. Added to this is the subtle message that "ministry" is to be found by volunteering inside the church and that healthy believers take advantage of all of the programming of the church.
In contrast to this think about the amount of time that Jesus intentionally spent hanging around the very people who would never enter the door of a synagogue. They did not feel worthy to be there and their faith journey was such that they were a long ways from organized religion. Jesus did not expect these folks to show up at the Synagogue so He went to them. While many do find Christ through the church, there are many who will never darken the door of a church unless someone has intentionally developed a relationship with them.
For years, Mary Ann and I made an intentional decision to spend more time with neighbors and friends outside of church rather than to be involved in more programming in the church. While many congregations see 80% of real ministry taking place in the church we believe that 80% of ministry takes place outside the church as we engage a secular and unbelieving world with the love, help and claims of Jesus. I am convinced that one of the major reasons for the poor evangelism rates in the United States is that we are hoping unbelievers will show up in our church and find Christ through our programming while I believe the opposite is the intention of Christ and that it is through relationships that most conversions take place.
The concept of Simple Church is perhaps more conducive to evangelism than the complex, program driven churches we often encounter today. It would be ironic if our very programming efforts mitigated against more effective evangelism by leaving little time for relationships with unbelievers. And sending them the message that what we really care about is that they show up with us at church is (so they can hear about God) is probably not the best evangelism strategy. Many will not come, either.
I believe that the local church is God's intended means of reaching the world. It is His bride. But it is the church scattered during most of the week that primarily allows this to happen, not the church gathered. Further, we need to communicate that ministry is not simply about volunteering for roles in the church (important as those are) but in using our gifts in the places where He has given us spiritual influence - our neighborhoods, workplaces, little league, or wherever our relationships are to be found.
It is far easier and less intimidating to be with God's people than to be intentionally developing relationships with unbelievers. But that is where evangelism starts and that is the heart of God. In all of our great church programming, lets not program out the very time that is needed to bless our friends with the Gospel. The power of incarnational ministry is the most effective evangelism strategy we will ever have.
In contrast to this think about the amount of time that Jesus intentionally spent hanging around the very people who would never enter the door of a synagogue. They did not feel worthy to be there and their faith journey was such that they were a long ways from organized religion. Jesus did not expect these folks to show up at the Synagogue so He went to them. While many do find Christ through the church, there are many who will never darken the door of a church unless someone has intentionally developed a relationship with them.
For years, Mary Ann and I made an intentional decision to spend more time with neighbors and friends outside of church rather than to be involved in more programming in the church. While many congregations see 80% of real ministry taking place in the church we believe that 80% of ministry takes place outside the church as we engage a secular and unbelieving world with the love, help and claims of Jesus. I am convinced that one of the major reasons for the poor evangelism rates in the United States is that we are hoping unbelievers will show up in our church and find Christ through our programming while I believe the opposite is the intention of Christ and that it is through relationships that most conversions take place.
The concept of Simple Church is perhaps more conducive to evangelism than the complex, program driven churches we often encounter today. It would be ironic if our very programming efforts mitigated against more effective evangelism by leaving little time for relationships with unbelievers. And sending them the message that what we really care about is that they show up with us at church is (so they can hear about God) is probably not the best evangelism strategy. Many will not come, either.
I believe that the local church is God's intended means of reaching the world. It is His bride. But it is the church scattered during most of the week that primarily allows this to happen, not the church gathered. Further, we need to communicate that ministry is not simply about volunteering for roles in the church (important as those are) but in using our gifts in the places where He has given us spiritual influence - our neighborhoods, workplaces, little league, or wherever our relationships are to be found.
It is far easier and less intimidating to be with God's people than to be intentionally developing relationships with unbelievers. But that is where evangelism starts and that is the heart of God. In all of our great church programming, lets not program out the very time that is needed to bless our friends with the Gospel. The power of incarnational ministry is the most effective evangelism strategy we will ever have.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Building authentic relationships with unbelievers
Much evangelism strategy in the church today assumes that unbelievers will show up at our services. This is certainly a true assumption for many congregations at Christmas and Easter and they take full advantage of the opportunity. However, evangelism rates in the Unites States and Europe remain exceedingly low and I believe one of the key reasons for this is the lack of intentionality in developing relationships with unbelievers.
By nature, many of our relationships change as we come to Christ. We move from a majority of our relationships being with fellow unbelievers to a majority of our friendships being with believers. That is a natural development as they are our new family and fellow members of God's family. What is lost, if we are not careful and intentional are the very relationships that are necessary to influence our former friends toward a relationship with Christ. And the challenge increases as our spiritual age grows.
The key is to be aware of all the folks around us who don't know Christ and be intentional in developing relationships with them: our neighbors, workmates, restaurant servers, clerks at local stores and all those that our paths run across.
Mary Ann and I have been deeply intentional in getting to know all of our neighbors for the 23 years we have lived in our neighborhood. We have seen several of those come to Christ as a result of long term relationships. Some years ago we chose a restaurant that we both enjoy and go back regularly and have developed friendships with most of the wait staff and owners. Because I am an author, we have shared my books like Live Like You Mean It and When Life Comes Undone with all of them. Mary Ann has done the same at her hairdressers. Then there is the fellow who cuts our lawn and helps with projects around the house who is now sharing with us the challenges of his life. We also stay in touch with doctors, nurses and aids who cared for me over two long illnesses.
Authentic relationships build trust and trust leads to conversation and often disclosure of issues in our lives. Those conversations lead to the opportunity to love, accept, empathize and share the good news of the Gospel. We have found that because these friends know that we have a different kind of relationship with God than they do (a real friendship and relationship) they gravitate to us in times of crisis and ask for prayer which leads to further opportunities to share the good news of Jesus.
Neither of us would consider ourselves to have the gift of evangelism but we have learned to be intentional in developing long term relationships with those who don't know Christ. Those relationships when coupled with prayer are a powerful combination for opportunities to see people come to Christ.
Congregations that see many people come to Christ are intentional in developing and maintaining relationships with unbelievers. And I am talking about authentic relationships here where at whatever level, life rubs off on life. It is not simply about wanting them to find Christ, it is about caring about them as people loved by God. It is that genuine love through relationship, conversation and the work of the Holy Spirit that often brings them into the greatest family we could ever have.
By nature, many of our relationships change as we come to Christ. We move from a majority of our relationships being with fellow unbelievers to a majority of our friendships being with believers. That is a natural development as they are our new family and fellow members of God's family. What is lost, if we are not careful and intentional are the very relationships that are necessary to influence our former friends toward a relationship with Christ. And the challenge increases as our spiritual age grows.
The key is to be aware of all the folks around us who don't know Christ and be intentional in developing relationships with them: our neighbors, workmates, restaurant servers, clerks at local stores and all those that our paths run across.
Mary Ann and I have been deeply intentional in getting to know all of our neighbors for the 23 years we have lived in our neighborhood. We have seen several of those come to Christ as a result of long term relationships. Some years ago we chose a restaurant that we both enjoy and go back regularly and have developed friendships with most of the wait staff and owners. Because I am an author, we have shared my books like Live Like You Mean It and When Life Comes Undone with all of them. Mary Ann has done the same at her hairdressers. Then there is the fellow who cuts our lawn and helps with projects around the house who is now sharing with us the challenges of his life. We also stay in touch with doctors, nurses and aids who cared for me over two long illnesses.
Authentic relationships build trust and trust leads to conversation and often disclosure of issues in our lives. Those conversations lead to the opportunity to love, accept, empathize and share the good news of the Gospel. We have found that because these friends know that we have a different kind of relationship with God than they do (a real friendship and relationship) they gravitate to us in times of crisis and ask for prayer which leads to further opportunities to share the good news of Jesus.
Neither of us would consider ourselves to have the gift of evangelism but we have learned to be intentional in developing long term relationships with those who don't know Christ. Those relationships when coupled with prayer are a powerful combination for opportunities to see people come to Christ.
Congregations that see many people come to Christ are intentional in developing and maintaining relationships with unbelievers. And I am talking about authentic relationships here where at whatever level, life rubs off on life. It is not simply about wanting them to find Christ, it is about caring about them as people loved by God. It is that genuine love through relationship, conversation and the work of the Holy Spirit that often brings them into the greatest family we could ever have.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Conflict and problem avoidance create sick churches
A common characteristic of troubled or sick congregations is the trait of problem or conflict avoidance. This aversion to dealing with problems honestly because it may create conflict (and it probably will) creates a dysfunctional congregation because there is no venue for resolving real problems.
Pretending there are not problems or conflict when there are and refusing to deal with known problems is a crazy maker because the pretense that all is well is believed by those who don't know better, disbelieved by those who know better and confusing for those who don't know what to think which creates mistrust, confusion, lack of clarity, and relational breakdown.
A culture of conflict or problem avoidance starts with the church board who are responsible for ensuring the health of the church. Dysfunctional boards are afraid of dealing with conflict and therefore either avoid the issues altogether, spin issues with the congregation to paint a better picture than is reality, or find excuses for why the problems exist that are not accurate. The bottom line is that they don't want to deal with reality, don't want to be honest with themselves and don't want to disclose to the congregation the whole truth.
The problem is that avoidance does not work. First, when you avoid solving real problems they will resurface in a more virulent way. The root of the problem is not dealt with and like a weed that is not fully pulled out it will simply come back.
Second, while some people are fooled (above), others are not. They understand that there are problems that are not being disclosed and dealt with or that they are not being given the whole truth and these individuals lose trust in their leaders. Once leaders have lost trust with a segment of the congregation you have the genesis of even more conflict within the congregation. Others who are simply confused, as noted above, become pawns of those who are fooled or are not fooled and you have a recipe for chaos.
The sad thing is that boards that avoid dealing openly and honestly with problems or conflict become even more dysfunctional themselves because truth, honesty and openness create health while avoidance of these create more dishealth. It is not only a failure of leadership and cowardice but it is a violation of their Scriptural role to lead well and it contributes to greater dishealth in the congregation as a whole. Sadly, there are boards that do this over and over and over. One of the common symptoms of this are congregations that are plateaued or in decline: it is the inevitable result of poor leadership by boards.
How does one deal with a situation like this? It takes one or two courageous board members who will challenge their board to be honest and to deal with real situations in a healthy way - to refuse to avoid conflict and problems that exist. Or, members of the congregation who sense what is happening and challenge the board to do the same. Hard questions by board members or congregants at least bring the issues to the surface and gives either the board or the congregation the option of dealing with them.
In cases where boards and congregations continue to avoid problems or conflict there is one common response. The best leaders in the congregation as well as those who understand the dynamics quietly migrate out of the church. They are unwilling to stay indefinitely in a dysfunctional church system (which is what this is - like a dysfunctional family) because they know it is not healthy and will not be effective in growing healthy disciples. Nor do they want to bring their friends to a sick church.
Boards and congregations who don't honestly face their issues are in fact sick churches. Sick churches cannot grow healthy disciples. In fact, what they do is to create sick and dysfunctional disciples over time. Those who speak truth or challenge the "system" are often marginalized and find that they don't fit in - it is no different than a sick or dysfunctional family. So either one conforms and joins the system or they leave for a healthier congregation.
There are no easy solutions for sick boards or congregations. The greatest hope comes when they can face the fact that they need help and seek that help from outside their board or congregation - a neutral third party who can speak truth to their situation. But that takes a humility that sick boards often do not have. Usually when faced with truth they circle the wagons to protect themselves and avoid the hard work of honest evaluation and renovation.
Pretending there are not problems or conflict when there are and refusing to deal with known problems is a crazy maker because the pretense that all is well is believed by those who don't know better, disbelieved by those who know better and confusing for those who don't know what to think which creates mistrust, confusion, lack of clarity, and relational breakdown.
A culture of conflict or problem avoidance starts with the church board who are responsible for ensuring the health of the church. Dysfunctional boards are afraid of dealing with conflict and therefore either avoid the issues altogether, spin issues with the congregation to paint a better picture than is reality, or find excuses for why the problems exist that are not accurate. The bottom line is that they don't want to deal with reality, don't want to be honest with themselves and don't want to disclose to the congregation the whole truth.
The problem is that avoidance does not work. First, when you avoid solving real problems they will resurface in a more virulent way. The root of the problem is not dealt with and like a weed that is not fully pulled out it will simply come back.
Second, while some people are fooled (above), others are not. They understand that there are problems that are not being disclosed and dealt with or that they are not being given the whole truth and these individuals lose trust in their leaders. Once leaders have lost trust with a segment of the congregation you have the genesis of even more conflict within the congregation. Others who are simply confused, as noted above, become pawns of those who are fooled or are not fooled and you have a recipe for chaos.
The sad thing is that boards that avoid dealing openly and honestly with problems or conflict become even more dysfunctional themselves because truth, honesty and openness create health while avoidance of these create more dishealth. It is not only a failure of leadership and cowardice but it is a violation of their Scriptural role to lead well and it contributes to greater dishealth in the congregation as a whole. Sadly, there are boards that do this over and over and over. One of the common symptoms of this are congregations that are plateaued or in decline: it is the inevitable result of poor leadership by boards.
How does one deal with a situation like this? It takes one or two courageous board members who will challenge their board to be honest and to deal with real situations in a healthy way - to refuse to avoid conflict and problems that exist. Or, members of the congregation who sense what is happening and challenge the board to do the same. Hard questions by board members or congregants at least bring the issues to the surface and gives either the board or the congregation the option of dealing with them.
In cases where boards and congregations continue to avoid problems or conflict there is one common response. The best leaders in the congregation as well as those who understand the dynamics quietly migrate out of the church. They are unwilling to stay indefinitely in a dysfunctional church system (which is what this is - like a dysfunctional family) because they know it is not healthy and will not be effective in growing healthy disciples. Nor do they want to bring their friends to a sick church.
Boards and congregations who don't honestly face their issues are in fact sick churches. Sick churches cannot grow healthy disciples. In fact, what they do is to create sick and dysfunctional disciples over time. Those who speak truth or challenge the "system" are often marginalized and find that they don't fit in - it is no different than a sick or dysfunctional family. So either one conforms and joins the system or they leave for a healthier congregation.
There are no easy solutions for sick boards or congregations. The greatest hope comes when they can face the fact that they need help and seek that help from outside their board or congregation - a neutral third party who can speak truth to their situation. But that takes a humility that sick boards often do not have. Usually when faced with truth they circle the wagons to protect themselves and avoid the hard work of honest evaluation and renovation.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The one thing your leader wishes he/she could ask you for
All of us are under authority from a leader and all of us who have a church home have a pastor. It is easy to either take them for granted or to be critical of their foibles but the most strategic thing we can do for them is to pray for them - daily. As their life goes, relationally, spiritually, in their family, marriage and personal walk with God - our lives are impacted in some way.
Think about this: ministry leaders have a big target painted on their backs by the evil one. The greater their impact the larger the target. If he can take out, discourage, distract, divert or otherwise compromise a ministry leader he has impacted all those who that leader leads or influences. Their protection is their own walk with God and the many who are willing to be shield bearers for them by praying for them. I know from my own leadership experience that it has been the prayers of many - especially during near fatal illnesses that preserved my own life. I would not do what I do as a missions leader without the prayers of hundreds who take up shields for me.
There is another reason to pray daily. Ministry leaders are in a lonely job. It is very easy to take shots at leaders (they represent the organization) and many do. Unfortunately the most painful arrows come not from the outside but from the inside. It is easy to be critical and it is painful to be the object of the criticism, anger, or gossip. Healthy leaders do not respond with anger or like attitudes but they have to deal with the pain internally. One of the character traits of leaders is that they are willing to take the pain and carry on but it does not lesson the pain. And while those who are critical can talk to anyone they choose (and often do), leaders cannot.
If you read the books of first and second Corinthians you see the pain that Paul felt from his critics in that church. If Paul was not exempt (to say nothing of Jesus) other leaders will not be exempt.
But prayer changes the equation. Our prayers bring the comfort, peace, joy and perspective of the One on the throne to our spiritual or ministry leaders in the midst of the challenges they face. It is the greatest gift we can give them. We can literally call down the blessings of heaven on our leaders if we choose to do so.
And what if we have reason to be unhappy with our pastor or leader? They (we) all have shadow sides, foibles, and dysfunctions. The best thing we can do in that circumstance is to pray for them. We cannot change them, but God can work in their hearts and lives. And, God might just work in our lives regarding our perspective or attitude as well.
I live in the world of leaders, church and ministry. I can tell you that they deeply covet the prayers of those they lead. They know they, like the rest of us, have feet of clay. They know they are deeply imperfect. They know they are targets of the evil one as well as of disgruntled people who they lead. If they could ask one thing of their constituency it would be: "Please pray daily for me - be a shield bearer for me and take me to the throne of God because it will protect me, change me, encourage me and give me the wisdom I need to lead wisely."
It is the greatest gift we could give our leaders.
Think about this: ministry leaders have a big target painted on their backs by the evil one. The greater their impact the larger the target. If he can take out, discourage, distract, divert or otherwise compromise a ministry leader he has impacted all those who that leader leads or influences. Their protection is their own walk with God and the many who are willing to be shield bearers for them by praying for them. I know from my own leadership experience that it has been the prayers of many - especially during near fatal illnesses that preserved my own life. I would not do what I do as a missions leader without the prayers of hundreds who take up shields for me.
There is another reason to pray daily. Ministry leaders are in a lonely job. It is very easy to take shots at leaders (they represent the organization) and many do. Unfortunately the most painful arrows come not from the outside but from the inside. It is easy to be critical and it is painful to be the object of the criticism, anger, or gossip. Healthy leaders do not respond with anger or like attitudes but they have to deal with the pain internally. One of the character traits of leaders is that they are willing to take the pain and carry on but it does not lesson the pain. And while those who are critical can talk to anyone they choose (and often do), leaders cannot.
If you read the books of first and second Corinthians you see the pain that Paul felt from his critics in that church. If Paul was not exempt (to say nothing of Jesus) other leaders will not be exempt.
But prayer changes the equation. Our prayers bring the comfort, peace, joy and perspective of the One on the throne to our spiritual or ministry leaders in the midst of the challenges they face. It is the greatest gift we can give them. We can literally call down the blessings of heaven on our leaders if we choose to do so.
And what if we have reason to be unhappy with our pastor or leader? They (we) all have shadow sides, foibles, and dysfunctions. The best thing we can do in that circumstance is to pray for them. We cannot change them, but God can work in their hearts and lives. And, God might just work in our lives regarding our perspective or attitude as well.
I live in the world of leaders, church and ministry. I can tell you that they deeply covet the prayers of those they lead. They know they, like the rest of us, have feet of clay. They know they are deeply imperfect. They know they are targets of the evil one as well as of disgruntled people who they lead. If they could ask one thing of their constituency it would be: "Please pray daily for me - be a shield bearer for me and take me to the throne of God because it will protect me, change me, encourage me and give me the wisdom I need to lead wisely."
It is the greatest gift we could give our leaders.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Visionary or focused leaders
We often hear the term "visionary leader" in Christian ministry circles. It is used to describe leaders who have expansive vision for their ministry's future. "Visionary leaders" are sometimes like salespeople trying to sell their people on their vision.
"Visionaries," however, are often unfocused, scattered, have more ideas than the ministry can absorb, are easily distracted by the next great idea and seem by their staff to be going in different directions depending on the day or the next big thing. In other words, they can envision great things but can be low on the scale of focused direction and ministry execution.
I strongly believe that leaders need to be able to envision what can be for their ministry. But, it must be a focused direction with the ability to lead the ministry toward that goal in a disciplined and orderly way without the distractions of the next "big idea" or multiple and confusing focuses.
Vision without the ability to deliver on the vision is empty vision. It may sound great but like sales hype, if it cannot deliver it is not helpful. What ministries need are leaders who understand how the ministry can maximize its spiritual influence and then help the ministry go there over the long haul. These are the leaders who see their ministries make the most significant difference.
There are three kinds of leaders. The status quo leader who is content with managing ministry as it is without much change or innovation. Then there are confusing leaders who have great vision but are chasing those visions in ways that cause consternation for their staff. Finally, there are focused leaders who have a goal in mind and lead their ministry in a disciplined and focused way toward that goal.
Focused leaders are usually far more effective than what we often call visionary leaders. They know what the goal is and they focus their ministry on that goal with discipline. While they are highly flexible in their strategy, they don't waver in their direction of focus.
"Visionaries," however, are often unfocused, scattered, have more ideas than the ministry can absorb, are easily distracted by the next great idea and seem by their staff to be going in different directions depending on the day or the next big thing. In other words, they can envision great things but can be low on the scale of focused direction and ministry execution.
I strongly believe that leaders need to be able to envision what can be for their ministry. But, it must be a focused direction with the ability to lead the ministry toward that goal in a disciplined and orderly way without the distractions of the next "big idea" or multiple and confusing focuses.
Vision without the ability to deliver on the vision is empty vision. It may sound great but like sales hype, if it cannot deliver it is not helpful. What ministries need are leaders who understand how the ministry can maximize its spiritual influence and then help the ministry go there over the long haul. These are the leaders who see their ministries make the most significant difference.
There are three kinds of leaders. The status quo leader who is content with managing ministry as it is without much change or innovation. Then there are confusing leaders who have great vision but are chasing those visions in ways that cause consternation for their staff. Finally, there are focused leaders who have a goal in mind and lead their ministry in a disciplined and focused way toward that goal.
Focused leaders are usually far more effective than what we often call visionary leaders. They know what the goal is and they focus their ministry on that goal with discipline. While they are highly flexible in their strategy, they don't waver in their direction of focus.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Never Settle!
I turned 55 this year. It is a wonderful and dangerous place to be. Wonderful because I have accumulated a great deal of experience and paid a lot of dumb tax that hopefully I don't have to pay again. I have learned faith the hard way through many tough times. I have stared death in the face twice and it blinked (God was gracious) and have learned first hand His power and sovereignty. Things that were hard in the past are easier. I have a bank account of God's faithfulness that sustains me when facing uncertainty today.
I know a lot less than I did when I was young but what I know I know with greater certainty. Not needing to know everything is liberating. I have been humbled enough times to be comfortable with an attitude of "nothing to prove, nothing to lose," which frees me to be me. I know that I have a few strengths and everything else are weaknesses - and I am not only OK with that but glad that I can focus on who God made me to be.
Fewer things cause me anxiety or worry. I have learned greater patience and rely more on God's power than I used to. I do less and let Him do more. I focus on fewer things with greater focus. It is a wonderful place to be.
But also dangerous - because it would be easy to coast on past experience, lessons learned, dumb tax paid, past faith and not press into life with the same passion and energy as the first half.
Just today I received this prayer from a friend: "Lord, would you make my brother TJ bold for you. Help him not to be satisfied with what you have allowed him to do but rather to look to you for still more opportunities to proclaim the wonders of the gospel. Make him fruitful this day for the Kingdom."
I don't want to settle! I would love to go slower and more wisely, taking full advantage of all I have learned and experienced but I don't want to settle! If anything, I would love to have more impact than I had in the past - in line with the gifting God has graciously given me. So I fight the urge to rest on the past and lose the willingness to risk and press into even greater faith.
Ironically, I think it is easier to risk when we are young because we don't know all the implications of that risk. As we get older we understand more fully what risk means. Thus it takes more faith as we age to take the risks we once took for granted. And perhaps more intentionality.
It also takes more humility not to be fooled by success and believe that it is about us. It is not: it is fully about God. Or to think we have accomplished what we have by our wisdom and power. That is why I surround myself with friends who tell me the truth and are also pressing on.
I don't want to settle. You?
I know a lot less than I did when I was young but what I know I know with greater certainty. Not needing to know everything is liberating. I have been humbled enough times to be comfortable with an attitude of "nothing to prove, nothing to lose," which frees me to be me. I know that I have a few strengths and everything else are weaknesses - and I am not only OK with that but glad that I can focus on who God made me to be.
Fewer things cause me anxiety or worry. I have learned greater patience and rely more on God's power than I used to. I do less and let Him do more. I focus on fewer things with greater focus. It is a wonderful place to be.
But also dangerous - because it would be easy to coast on past experience, lessons learned, dumb tax paid, past faith and not press into life with the same passion and energy as the first half.
Just today I received this prayer from a friend: "Lord, would you make my brother TJ bold for you. Help him not to be satisfied with what you have allowed him to do but rather to look to you for still more opportunities to proclaim the wonders of the gospel. Make him fruitful this day for the Kingdom."
I don't want to settle! I would love to go slower and more wisely, taking full advantage of all I have learned and experienced but I don't want to settle! If anything, I would love to have more impact than I had in the past - in line with the gifting God has graciously given me. So I fight the urge to rest on the past and lose the willingness to risk and press into even greater faith.
Ironically, I think it is easier to risk when we are young because we don't know all the implications of that risk. As we get older we understand more fully what risk means. Thus it takes more faith as we age to take the risks we once took for granted. And perhaps more intentionality.
It also takes more humility not to be fooled by success and believe that it is about us. It is not: it is fully about God. Or to think we have accomplished what we have by our wisdom and power. That is why I surround myself with friends who tell me the truth and are also pressing on.
I don't want to settle. You?
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Ten markers of grace filled people and congregatons
There are ten characteristics of congregations that are grace filled. These ten markers set them apart from the vast majority of congregations in the world. All are directed toward other people but come out of hearts that have been radically transformed by the grace of Jesus in their own lives. Congregations that have these markers are like magnets to believers who have never experienced this kind of grace and to spiritual seekers who encounter a new kind of Christian in those who exhibit these Jesus traits. Think about these markers in your life and their power when multiplied throughout a congregation.
Grace filled people assume the best of one another. Every relationship is one assumption away from misunderstanding and misunderstandings create relationship breakage. Usually, however, our assumptions about the intention of the other party are wrong: they did not intend to cause us pain. Assuming the best of others and their actions is a grace thing to do and it prevents unnecessary relational breakage.
When an offense has been committed either by us or against us, grace filled people quickly move to repair the relationship where that is possible. They are quick to forgive and resist holding onto offenses committed.
Grace filled people cultivate generous rather than critical spirits towards others. There is plenty to be critical of others about just as Christ could be deeply critical about us. Like Him we choose to love rather than criticize and cultivate as spirit of acceptance (a critical spirit is really a spirit of non-acceptance). Critical spirits also come from our own pride.
Grace filled people love to extend grace to those who need it and we all do - often. It is grace to forgive, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to love those who have fallen, to accept those who are struggling with sin, addictions or just the consequences of the fall. When hard words need to be said, they are always said in love rather than in condemnation. Their goal is always restoration and health.
Grace filled people are transparent about their own issues, struggles and failures in appropriate settings. They don't pretend that they have it all together (none of us do). They are willing to share their struggles because they are not living with masks or pretense. It takes only one man to share his struggle with porn, to send a message to many others also struggling in secret that there are others like them and it is OK to admit one's need. Transparency is the first step toward growth.
Grace filled people love to pray for others. In grace filled congregations it is a common sight to simple see people in conversation and then being prayed for. Issues of life are quickly lifted up the the throne without embarrassment or apology. Taking people and their situations to the throne of God is valued, practiced and habitual.
Grace filled people love the unloved, those who live on the margins, those who the rest of society forget or shuttle to the side. This includes the poor and the disabled. Just as Jesus had a radar for the down and out so do grace filled people. They have cultivated the heart of God for all people, not just people like them. This is one of the reasons that grace filled congregations are always involved in the community, meeting needs and sowing love.
Grace filled people love to love on others. Words of encouragement, acts of kindness, help in crisis. They are lovers of people because people matter to God. When opportunities to help others come across their path they do what they can to help, to love and encourage.
Grace filled people speak with kind, encouraging and loving words. Words that lift, words that encourage, words that build up, words that quiet anger. People leave their presence with a greater sense of their worth and knowing that they are loved.
Grace filled people always point people toward the source of all grace - Jesus. They are not content to be people of grace but want others to know the source of that grace. They love to introduce others to the the One from whom all grace flows, Jesus.
I wish for this kind of grace in my life and I wish for this kind of grace in my church - and in all churches.
Grace filled people assume the best of one another. Every relationship is one assumption away from misunderstanding and misunderstandings create relationship breakage. Usually, however, our assumptions about the intention of the other party are wrong: they did not intend to cause us pain. Assuming the best of others and their actions is a grace thing to do and it prevents unnecessary relational breakage.
When an offense has been committed either by us or against us, grace filled people quickly move to repair the relationship where that is possible. They are quick to forgive and resist holding onto offenses committed.
Grace filled people cultivate generous rather than critical spirits towards others. There is plenty to be critical of others about just as Christ could be deeply critical about us. Like Him we choose to love rather than criticize and cultivate as spirit of acceptance (a critical spirit is really a spirit of non-acceptance). Critical spirits also come from our own pride.
Grace filled people love to extend grace to those who need it and we all do - often. It is grace to forgive, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to love those who have fallen, to accept those who are struggling with sin, addictions or just the consequences of the fall. When hard words need to be said, they are always said in love rather than in condemnation. Their goal is always restoration and health.
Grace filled people are transparent about their own issues, struggles and failures in appropriate settings. They don't pretend that they have it all together (none of us do). They are willing to share their struggles because they are not living with masks or pretense. It takes only one man to share his struggle with porn, to send a message to many others also struggling in secret that there are others like them and it is OK to admit one's need. Transparency is the first step toward growth.
Grace filled people love to pray for others. In grace filled congregations it is a common sight to simple see people in conversation and then being prayed for. Issues of life are quickly lifted up the the throne without embarrassment or apology. Taking people and their situations to the throne of God is valued, practiced and habitual.
Grace filled people love the unloved, those who live on the margins, those who the rest of society forget or shuttle to the side. This includes the poor and the disabled. Just as Jesus had a radar for the down and out so do grace filled people. They have cultivated the heart of God for all people, not just people like them. This is one of the reasons that grace filled congregations are always involved in the community, meeting needs and sowing love.
Grace filled people love to love on others. Words of encouragement, acts of kindness, help in crisis. They are lovers of people because people matter to God. When opportunities to help others come across their path they do what they can to help, to love and encourage.
Grace filled people speak with kind, encouraging and loving words. Words that lift, words that encourage, words that build up, words that quiet anger. People leave their presence with a greater sense of their worth and knowing that they are loved.
Grace filled people always point people toward the source of all grace - Jesus. They are not content to be people of grace but want others to know the source of that grace. They love to introduce others to the the One from whom all grace flows, Jesus.
I wish for this kind of grace in my life and I wish for this kind of grace in my church - and in all churches.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Our blessing of others is an indication of a kingdom heart
Those with kingdom hearts do not simply focus on their church or their ministry but they intentionally bless the ministries of others. I love the concept of local churches who weekly and publicly pray for other churches in the community. In doing so, they are not only calling down God's blessing on those other churches but sending a message to their congregation that "we as Christ followers are in this together" and that God's work is greater than our local work.
The same could be said for missions who pray for other missions and ministries who choose to pray for their fellow ministries. In fact, praying for like minded ministries is the first step in moving from competition to cooperation.
There is a group of churches in Gurnee, Illinois who have banded together across denominational lines to intentionally bring the gospel to every home in Gurnee in a relevant way. That did not start with some grand scheme for evangelism. It started as kingdom minded pastors gathered over the course of a number of years and developed relationships with one another, prayed with and for one another and for their community. As their hearts were knit together through prayer, their hearts were expanded beyond their own provincial interests to the broader Kingdom and Jesus interests of all people in Gurnee being introduced to the Gospel.
Provincialism - thinking only about ourselves and focusing only on building our ministry fosters competition. It also fosters pride in what we do and how we do it rather than a humble acknowledgement that we are but one of many ministries that contribute to the enlargement of His kingdom. We want a mindset that appreciates our part in God's work but also appreciates that we are but one ministry committed to accomplishing his purposes.
For instance, ministries that focus on themselves rarely cooperate with other ministries. This is true of mission agencies and local churches. If an idea is not their idea, they will rarely use it. And so we duplicate resources and energy rather than leveraging ourselves together for the sake of the Gospel.
Kingdom hearts start at two levels. First, it starts at the level of prayer where we pray for others as we pray for ourselves. And second, the level of relationship where we get to know each other, and through relationship start to appreciate one another and the value that our ministries bring to the table. We also begin to trust one another. As God knits our hearts together we find ways to bless one another and ways to cooperate with one another.
The same could be said for missions who pray for other missions and ministries who choose to pray for their fellow ministries. In fact, praying for like minded ministries is the first step in moving from competition to cooperation.
There is a group of churches in Gurnee, Illinois who have banded together across denominational lines to intentionally bring the gospel to every home in Gurnee in a relevant way. That did not start with some grand scheme for evangelism. It started as kingdom minded pastors gathered over the course of a number of years and developed relationships with one another, prayed with and for one another and for their community. As their hearts were knit together through prayer, their hearts were expanded beyond their own provincial interests to the broader Kingdom and Jesus interests of all people in Gurnee being introduced to the Gospel.
Provincialism - thinking only about ourselves and focusing only on building our ministry fosters competition. It also fosters pride in what we do and how we do it rather than a humble acknowledgement that we are but one of many ministries that contribute to the enlargement of His kingdom. We want a mindset that appreciates our part in God's work but also appreciates that we are but one ministry committed to accomplishing his purposes.
For instance, ministries that focus on themselves rarely cooperate with other ministries. This is true of mission agencies and local churches. If an idea is not their idea, they will rarely use it. And so we duplicate resources and energy rather than leveraging ourselves together for the sake of the Gospel.
Kingdom hearts start at two levels. First, it starts at the level of prayer where we pray for others as we pray for ourselves. And second, the level of relationship where we get to know each other, and through relationship start to appreciate one another and the value that our ministries bring to the table. We also begin to trust one another. As God knits our hearts together we find ways to bless one another and ways to cooperate with one another.
Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition
If the discourse on CNN, Fox, or CNBC are any indication, the level of dialogue, conversation and discussion in our world has continued to sink to new lows. Even among God's people, there is often a great deal of carelessness in what we say and how we say it. Yet, Jesus was clear that what comes out of our mouths reflects the contents of our hearts and our words for better or for worse reflect our followership of Jesus.
Scripture would encourage us to reclaim wise, considered and honoring speech. Solomon wisely wrote, "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few (Ecclesiastes 5:1-3)." Or as David wrote, "May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 19:13-14)."
Words matter. Words either lift the reputation of Jesus or bring it down. Words encourage or discourage. Words heal or wound. Words either take into consideration God's point of view on issues or merely ours. Words are powerful and can cause pain for a lifetime or healing from a lifetime of pain. Words reflect the life giving of Jesus or the life taking of the evil one. Careless words hurt while considered words bring life. Words matter. Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition.
Here are some biblical principles regarding our words, speech and conversation.
Never underestimate the power of our words for good or evil. How many of us remember words spoken to us that have hurt for a lifetime - and words of healing that have been deeply healing. Because so much of our life involves, words, speaking, conversation and dialogue, much of our life is defined by the words we speak. Much of our impact on others is defined by the words we speak in their presence. Most of all they reflect the contents of our hearts and minds.
Leaders set the standard of discourse in their organization as parents do in the home. In all conversations each of us sets the tone by how we choose to communicate. Our words have great influence over others.
May we be Jesus with our words and speech!
Scripture would encourage us to reclaim wise, considered and honoring speech. Solomon wisely wrote, "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few (Ecclesiastes 5:1-3)." Or as David wrote, "May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 19:13-14)."
Words matter. Words either lift the reputation of Jesus or bring it down. Words encourage or discourage. Words heal or wound. Words either take into consideration God's point of view on issues or merely ours. Words are powerful and can cause pain for a lifetime or healing from a lifetime of pain. Words reflect the life giving of Jesus or the life taking of the evil one. Careless words hurt while considered words bring life. Words matter. Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition.
Here are some biblical principles regarding our words, speech and conversation.
- Coarse and vulgar language does not honor God.
- The wise listen, evaluate and consider before talking. It is considered rather than careless speech.
- When needing to speak truth we do so in love, humility and with words that bring people toward us rather than push them away.
- Gossip, slander and second hand information are rigorously avoided.
- Our conversation should build others up and encourage them in their life and faith.
- Our words are either life giving or life taking: the first reflects Jesus and the second reflects the evil one (John 10:10).
- Our opinions (words) should be reflective of what we understand God would have to say about any given situation.
- Our words either bring people nearer to God or push them further away. Our words either lift ourselves up or lift God up.
- We will account for all the words we speak in our lifetimes so we ought to speak with eternity in mind.
Never underestimate the power of our words for good or evil. How many of us remember words spoken to us that have hurt for a lifetime - and words of healing that have been deeply healing. Because so much of our life involves, words, speaking, conversation and dialogue, much of our life is defined by the words we speak. Much of our impact on others is defined by the words we speak in their presence. Most of all they reflect the contents of our hearts and minds.
Leaders set the standard of discourse in their organization as parents do in the home. In all conversations each of us sets the tone by how we choose to communicate. Our words have great influence over others.
May we be Jesus with our words and speech!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Three questions for every church leader
There are three questions church leaders should ask on a periodic basis. First, Can you describe in a concise fashion what success looks like for your ministry? I am talking thirty seconds or less, specific and shared by all leaders.
Second, can you defend that definition from Scripture? In other words is it a New Testament definition of success or is it a cultural definition of success - there is a difference.
Third, How are you doing against your description of success - honestly! What if anything do you need to do differently.
Three questions, huge implications.
Second, can you defend that definition from Scripture? In other words is it a New Testament definition of success or is it a cultural definition of success - there is a difference.
Third, How are you doing against your description of success - honestly! What if anything do you need to do differently.
Three questions, huge implications.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Teaching our children and grandchildren how to think
The art of thinking critically is being lost in the west at an amazing rate. The spirit of relativism, television, the loss of reading, popular culture all conspire to rob our kids and grand kids of the most important skill they could every acquire, the ability to think, to reason, to work through a problem logically and come to a logical conclusion. We cannot change the world in which our kids and grand kids live but we can give them the gift of helping them to think well.
With our two boys the forum for thinking was often our dinner table. Anything was fair game from politics, to church, to work issues to current events or the drama at school. In those conversations we would often ask questions to draw out their thinking. The boys would challenge us and one another and we them. It was a wonderful conversational free for all that put ideas on the table and didn't separate adult conversation from kids conversation. Often the conversation was alternatively serious and then very funny.
Kids love to talk, play with ideas and express themselves. The simple act of dialogue where there is a back and fourth with lots of questions that help them clarify their thinking, reasoning and conclusions is a gift that will stick with them for a lifetime. In the process they learn critical thinking skills that help them separate current sophistry from truth.
In fact, helping kids understand that there is truth, that there are absolutes that we can count on is huge today because the relativism they grow up with in school is "you have your truth, I have my truth and both are true" (a non sequitur if there ever was one: But wait, that is logic!). That kind of garbage thinking is raising a whole generation of kids to believe that anything and everything can be true simply because one believes it. As the British would say, that is pure, unadulterated rubbish! The shallowness of our political dialogue today is testimony to the fact that politicians count on the fact that people don't think. So much of what is said is pure rubbish but taken as fact.
All of this means taking time with our kids and grand kids. Their ability to think well impacts their faith, their personal lives and their vocations. It separates those who get their truth from Oprah and Chopra and those who understand real truth from Scripture. The ability to reason, to work through an issue logically and be able to defend it with real facts is a dying but necessary skill to successfully negotiate life and faith. Make that investment in the next generation and you will have given them a great gift.
With our two boys the forum for thinking was often our dinner table. Anything was fair game from politics, to church, to work issues to current events or the drama at school. In those conversations we would often ask questions to draw out their thinking. The boys would challenge us and one another and we them. It was a wonderful conversational free for all that put ideas on the table and didn't separate adult conversation from kids conversation. Often the conversation was alternatively serious and then very funny.
Kids love to talk, play with ideas and express themselves. The simple act of dialogue where there is a back and fourth with lots of questions that help them clarify their thinking, reasoning and conclusions is a gift that will stick with them for a lifetime. In the process they learn critical thinking skills that help them separate current sophistry from truth.
In fact, helping kids understand that there is truth, that there are absolutes that we can count on is huge today because the relativism they grow up with in school is "you have your truth, I have my truth and both are true" (a non sequitur if there ever was one: But wait, that is logic!). That kind of garbage thinking is raising a whole generation of kids to believe that anything and everything can be true simply because one believes it. As the British would say, that is pure, unadulterated rubbish! The shallowness of our political dialogue today is testimony to the fact that politicians count on the fact that people don't think. So much of what is said is pure rubbish but taken as fact.
All of this means taking time with our kids and grand kids. Their ability to think well impacts their faith, their personal lives and their vocations. It separates those who get their truth from Oprah and Chopra and those who understand real truth from Scripture. The ability to reason, to work through an issue logically and be able to defend it with real facts is a dying but necessary skill to successfully negotiate life and faith. Make that investment in the next generation and you will have given them a great gift.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Church bullies
Many of my most read blogs have to do with relationships within the church and behaviors that are problematic, toxic and which actually destroy the very ministry results that we long to see. Recently, as a result of one of these blogs I received the following two questions from one of my readers who is on staff in a local church and close enough to the inner workings of the church to know what is happening. Here are his questions:
"What I do not understand is why pastors feel that they need to allow an individual to be repeatedly belligerent to them? Repeatedly derogatory, accusatory, disrespectful, etc.? Repeatedly approach as a bully?
Unfortunately, I have also seen the belligerent person be the local ministry head who is "attacking" the other members of the staff on a consistent, random basis as to who is the scapegoat for the day. In this situation it is not a pastor who is doing the attacking but a manager in a Christian ministry."
Let's take the first question first. Here a pastor is mistreated by an individual in the church, someone whose actions are that of a "bully" but is not able to say "You cannot treat me this way." Why do pastors put up with behaviors which would never be acceptable in a healthy secular workplace?
Having been in those shoes I believe that one of the primary reason pastors don't put their foot down is that they don't believe that they will be backed up by their board if they do so. Pastors should be able to say to a bully, "Joe, you cannot treat me like this and if it happens again, we will have no further conversations without a board member present and I will share with the board what is happening in our conversations. While you are entitled to your opinions, you cannot pressure me with them nor can you treat me in a disrespectful manner. I don't treat you that way, I don't speak to you that way and it is unacceptable in God's church for you to do that with me. So we will never have another conversation like this without it going to the board and without a third person present."
In order for a pastor to be that defining he needs to know that his board will back him up - completely. Unfortunately, weak boards are often cowards when dealing with bullies in the church. They are afraid of them and often will not confront them. That is why church bullies (often former leaders) get away with unconscionable behavior that is toxic to the church as a whole. And, why pastors are often helpless to deal with the behavior. If the board will not back them up, they will eventually give up or choose to leave. Usually the bully knows that the board will not choose to confront them and sometimes is on the board.
Here is the thing about church bullies. When confronted they usually run because they hate accountability. Boards need to agree that there are certain behaviors that are illegal in the church - they violate Scripture. Read Ephesians on relationships or 1 and 2 Timothy on dealing with contentious behaviors. One of the responsibilities of leaders is to protect the flock from divisive behavior and that is exactly what this is. Boards that allow such behavior and don't protect the pastor from bullies ought to resign and let someone who will lead. It is that simple. Often, because boards will not act, good pastors simply choose to leave and the scenario plays itself out over and over and over. I know a church well that has played this scenario over for over 30 years now.
If I were a pastor today I would confront such behavior as suggested above and if my board chose not to support me in this I would resign. No pastor can be successful in a situation where toxic behavior is not addressed. Churches get what they deserve in terms of leadership. Good leadership brings good ministry. Poor leadership brings poor results.
If the board is willing to support the pastor against toxic behavior but the pastor cannot confront a bully, the board needs to step in when they hear about it and deal with it for him. One of their roles is to protect the pastor. But in the end, it is the board that either allows bullies to operate or not. By the way, bullies are often perceived as "influential" in the church which is why boards will not deal with them. In the church, one does what is right whether the offender is influential or not. You deal with it biblically (Matthew 18) but leaders must deal with it and will answer to the Lord of the Church for how they do or do not handle it (2 Peter 5).
The second question suggests that the bully is a manager of a ministry. In my world, this individual would be dealt with very quickly and we would let him/her know in no uncertain terms that this behavior is unacceptable and incompatible with who we are as a ministry. Remember that behaviors we accept among staff, leaders or pastors are seen as normative in the church. In allowing toxic behavior to exist at that level, you are condoning toxic behavior at the congregational level. Again, I would suggest a failure of leadership for this behavior by a manager of a ministry to be tolerated by staff and board.
Sometimes, by the way it is the senior pastor who is a bully, who has an agenda that is his and forces the board to accept that agenda. This is equally unhealthy and unacceptable as leadership in the church is a shared leadership of godly individuals. No one individual should have the power to force others to do their personal will. Healthy boards insist that the directional decisions of the church are corporate decisions, not just that of the senior pastor. Weak boards accede to pressure whether from a pastor or other bully in the church. In either case, it is toxic, unhealthy and wrong.
Sometimes, by the way it is the senior pastor who is a bully, who has an agenda that is his and forces the board to accept that agenda. This is equally unhealthy and unacceptable as leadership in the church is a shared leadership of godly individuals. No one individual should have the power to force others to do their personal will. Healthy boards insist that the directional decisions of the church are corporate decisions, not just that of the senior pastor. Weak boards accede to pressure whether from a pastor or other bully in the church. In either case, it is toxic, unhealthy and wrong.
If you look at the "popular blog listing" on my blog site it lists the top ten blogs in the past thirty days. At any time, many of these have to do with dysfunctional relationships in the church. The problem is ubiquitous and boards have a lot to do with the problem. I predict this blog will end up on that list quickly because there are many bullies who are given free reign in many churches. It is time to call a halt to behaviors that diminish the name of Jesus in the very institution that is designed to lift His name high. If you have such a problem please, in the name of Jesus, deal with it. It is His reputation that is on the line.
For more help on this and related issues, pick up a copy of my book, High Impact Church Boards in paperback or on Kindle. It deals with the real life issues churches face.
For more help on this and related issues, pick up a copy of my book, High Impact Church Boards in paperback or on Kindle. It deals with the real life issues churches face.
When does one know their job is done?
Nothing lasts forever but often we treat our job as if it does. In the business world this often comes with a rude awakening when someone else tells us that our job is finished. In the ministry world that is less true but all of us need to be aware that we serve for a season in the role we are in and there comes a time when transition is healthy. The question is, how do we know when that is?
The board/supervisor check: This is where we start getting signals from our board or supervisor that we should perhaps think about transition. Take those signals seriously and engage your supervisor or board in dialogue around them. It is not unusual for boards or supervisors to try to communicate in a gentle way that it is time, but for people not to hear. Even if one disagrees with the sentiment, the issue has been raised and needs to be addressed so that it is not "the elephant in the room." The bottom line is that it is hard to serve without the support of one's supervisor or board so entering into conversation rather than ignoring it is critical.
The gut check: I have accomplished what I set out to do. Some of us came into our roles with a vision of what needed to be accomplished and there comes a day when it is. The question then becomes, has God given me a new vision for the next run or having accomplished what I came to accomplish is it time to look for a new role (whether in the same organization or not)?
The boredom check: Boredom is a sign that we are not in the right role anymore and we either need to reinvent our role or look for another role that will utilize all whom God made us to be. I was once in that place. I did the job well and no one was complaining but I was bored which was a sign that I had outlasted my shelf life in that role. When our heart is no longer in what we are doing, no matter how good we can do it, it is time to move on.
The next level check: If one is a leader, as I am, there are periodic and predictable moments when the organization or team must be re-envisioned for the next run. When leaders cannot figure out what that looks like and what the organization needs to do in the next phases of ministry it is time to step aside and allow a new leader to take over.
This is a tough reality for senior leaders. Once they have exhausted their ability to take the ministry to the next level one is left in maintenance mode which over time will send the ministry into a holding pattern which leads eventually to decline. Unfortunately this happens at a stage when the senior leader is often going to find it hard to find another similar job (the age thing) so the tendency is to stay too long at the expense of the ministry. This is often where boards step in because they realize that the lack of energy or ability to take the ministry to the next level threatens that health of the ministry and they may pull the trigger themselves. It is healthier for the senior leader to make that decision rather than to be removed by their board. Once I cannot clearly articulate the next run for the ministry my leadership is effectively over. It is not a failure, it is simply that my job is done. When a ministry outgrows us it is a good thing and reflects well on our stewardship in that growth. When we hang on too long and retard that growth it is a bad thing and reflects poorly on us.
One real option senior leaders have if they find themselves in this situation and desire to stay is to engage a competent executive coach to help them think through the relevant issues and figure out how they take the organization to the next level. This may mean that they have to work harder than they have ever worked because they are now moving into uncharged territory even for them.
The Spirit check: Things may be going along well but the Spirit of God gives us this feeling that it is time to move on. This happened to one of my colleagues who had been with me 20 years. He could have been at our ministry till retirement but God was nudging him to move to something new. He took the risk and is doing amazing things globally. He listened to the Spirit and took a huge risk financially to follow.
Nothing lasts forever when it comes to our job. Discernment as to when our time is finished and it is time for a transition is an important part of our stewardship both of our own lives and of the ministry we serve.
The board/supervisor check: This is where we start getting signals from our board or supervisor that we should perhaps think about transition. Take those signals seriously and engage your supervisor or board in dialogue around them. It is not unusual for boards or supervisors to try to communicate in a gentle way that it is time, but for people not to hear. Even if one disagrees with the sentiment, the issue has been raised and needs to be addressed so that it is not "the elephant in the room." The bottom line is that it is hard to serve without the support of one's supervisor or board so entering into conversation rather than ignoring it is critical.
The gut check: I have accomplished what I set out to do. Some of us came into our roles with a vision of what needed to be accomplished and there comes a day when it is. The question then becomes, has God given me a new vision for the next run or having accomplished what I came to accomplish is it time to look for a new role (whether in the same organization or not)?
The boredom check: Boredom is a sign that we are not in the right role anymore and we either need to reinvent our role or look for another role that will utilize all whom God made us to be. I was once in that place. I did the job well and no one was complaining but I was bored which was a sign that I had outlasted my shelf life in that role. When our heart is no longer in what we are doing, no matter how good we can do it, it is time to move on.
The next level check: If one is a leader, as I am, there are periodic and predictable moments when the organization or team must be re-envisioned for the next run. When leaders cannot figure out what that looks like and what the organization needs to do in the next phases of ministry it is time to step aside and allow a new leader to take over.
This is a tough reality for senior leaders. Once they have exhausted their ability to take the ministry to the next level one is left in maintenance mode which over time will send the ministry into a holding pattern which leads eventually to decline. Unfortunately this happens at a stage when the senior leader is often going to find it hard to find another similar job (the age thing) so the tendency is to stay too long at the expense of the ministry. This is often where boards step in because they realize that the lack of energy or ability to take the ministry to the next level threatens that health of the ministry and they may pull the trigger themselves. It is healthier for the senior leader to make that decision rather than to be removed by their board. Once I cannot clearly articulate the next run for the ministry my leadership is effectively over. It is not a failure, it is simply that my job is done. When a ministry outgrows us it is a good thing and reflects well on our stewardship in that growth. When we hang on too long and retard that growth it is a bad thing and reflects poorly on us.
One real option senior leaders have if they find themselves in this situation and desire to stay is to engage a competent executive coach to help them think through the relevant issues and figure out how they take the organization to the next level. This may mean that they have to work harder than they have ever worked because they are now moving into uncharged territory even for them.
The Spirit check: Things may be going along well but the Spirit of God gives us this feeling that it is time to move on. This happened to one of my colleagues who had been with me 20 years. He could have been at our ministry till retirement but God was nudging him to move to something new. He took the risk and is doing amazing things globally. He listened to the Spirit and took a huge risk financially to follow.
Nothing lasts forever when it comes to our job. Discernment as to when our time is finished and it is time for a transition is an important part of our stewardship both of our own lives and of the ministry we serve.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Difficult Conversations
None of us look forward to hard conversations. In fact, the very thought of them gives some people heartburn. Because of that, they are easy to put off or ignore altogether which often makes the conversation even more necessary. Here are some ways to successfully negotiate such conversations when they are necessary. The one thing you don't want to do is to go into a difficult conversation unprepared.
Before the conversation, clearly define for yourself the issues that you need to address. This includes being ready for push back, objections or questions like "when have I done that?" or "give me examples of ..." A grocery list of issues never works so be sure you can clearly articulate the two or three issues that you need the other party to hear and understand (if they are able to do either or both).
In addition, know what your bottom line is. Are you going to communicate a concern, give an ultimatum, ask them to consider alternatives, terminate their job, ask them to get help? Whatever your bottom line is, be sure you are able to articulate it clearly and not be moved off of it.
Ask whether you need to have someone else in the room to hear what you are going to say. If the individual has a history of skewing what is said, is hostile, or does not handle hard conversations well, you want to have someone else present so that there is accountability for what is actually said.
When you meet, lay out your concerns and your bottom line in a clear and objective manner. Never impugn the motives of another (we don't know them) and keep to factual statements. If you need to use notes to stay on track, do so but don't make them available to the one you are talking to. Having communicated your concerns, clearly articulate your bottom line - what you are asking of them and then ask if they have any questions of clarification on what you have shared.
Here comes the tricky part. Unhealthy individuals will seek to shift the blame or issues to others or to you. They are experts at self justification and finding others who are at fault. If you are dealing with an unhealthy person, expect that they will try to shift the conversation to you or others and justify themselves. They may well express anger and play the victim role - they are the ones who have been abused.
Don't bite by engaging in their attempt to shift the conversation. I remember back to my debating days when in cross examination we were supposed to answer the questions of the other side. Often we would ask them questions back, and if they bit, we could then control the conversation they were supposed to be controlling. Remember, this is your conversation, you called it and you control its agenda. No matter how often they try to shift the conversation keep bringing them back to the concerns and bottom line you shared. Other issues may be worthwhile talking about at another time but this is your conversation and you want to keep it on task.
There is no need to prolong the conversation once you know that the other party has heard your concerns and your bottom line. At this point it is important to have a follow up plan. When do you meet again and what do you want from them when you next meet. Be specific and then close the conversation. It may be awkward but you will have accomplished what you need to accomplish and the other party needs time to think and respond.
If you know you need to have such a conversation but fear is keeping you back, find a trusted colleague who can help you walk through the process.
Before the conversation, clearly define for yourself the issues that you need to address. This includes being ready for push back, objections or questions like "when have I done that?" or "give me examples of ..." A grocery list of issues never works so be sure you can clearly articulate the two or three issues that you need the other party to hear and understand (if they are able to do either or both).
In addition, know what your bottom line is. Are you going to communicate a concern, give an ultimatum, ask them to consider alternatives, terminate their job, ask them to get help? Whatever your bottom line is, be sure you are able to articulate it clearly and not be moved off of it.
Ask whether you need to have someone else in the room to hear what you are going to say. If the individual has a history of skewing what is said, is hostile, or does not handle hard conversations well, you want to have someone else present so that there is accountability for what is actually said.
When you meet, lay out your concerns and your bottom line in a clear and objective manner. Never impugn the motives of another (we don't know them) and keep to factual statements. If you need to use notes to stay on track, do so but don't make them available to the one you are talking to. Having communicated your concerns, clearly articulate your bottom line - what you are asking of them and then ask if they have any questions of clarification on what you have shared.
Here comes the tricky part. Unhealthy individuals will seek to shift the blame or issues to others or to you. They are experts at self justification and finding others who are at fault. If you are dealing with an unhealthy person, expect that they will try to shift the conversation to you or others and justify themselves. They may well express anger and play the victim role - they are the ones who have been abused.
Don't bite by engaging in their attempt to shift the conversation. I remember back to my debating days when in cross examination we were supposed to answer the questions of the other side. Often we would ask them questions back, and if they bit, we could then control the conversation they were supposed to be controlling. Remember, this is your conversation, you called it and you control its agenda. No matter how often they try to shift the conversation keep bringing them back to the concerns and bottom line you shared. Other issues may be worthwhile talking about at another time but this is your conversation and you want to keep it on task.
There is no need to prolong the conversation once you know that the other party has heard your concerns and your bottom line. At this point it is important to have a follow up plan. When do you meet again and what do you want from them when you next meet. Be specific and then close the conversation. It may be awkward but you will have accomplished what you need to accomplish and the other party needs time to think and respond.
If you know you need to have such a conversation but fear is keeping you back, find a trusted colleague who can help you walk through the process.
All of life is sacred
The Ten Commandments can be summed up with one phrase: All of lie is sacred - or all of life is holy. There is no sacred/secular divide in life because we were made in God's image and God is not divisible between sacred and secular. In fact, before the fall there was no secular, only sacred. With the fall, men and women made the choice to pursue their own way (secular) and from the fall God has been calling men and women back to His way (the sacred).
It is in that light that the Ten Commandments, the moral law makes the most sense starting with "You shall have no other Gods before me." There can be no competing God's in our lives for either we worship Him wholly or we don't. While there are many competing Gods that call our attention, our sacred devotion is to one alone. In fact, if we got this one right, the following nine commands would not be necessary!
We should not misuse God's name because He is Holy and therefor our speech is holy and sacred as well. We remember the sabbath (in principle) because how we spend our time is sacred. We honor our father and mother because that is where we learn to live under authority and ultimately to honor God. We do not commit murder because life is sacred, we don't steal because our actions are sacred and God provides what we need. We don't commit adultery because marriage is sacred or give false testimony because truth is sacred. We don't covet because even our thinking is sacred.
Learning to look at all of life from a sacred perspective is part of the re-imaging each of us need. God created us in His image, an amazing truth that is hard for us to get our hands around. That image has been badly tarnished by sin but God has been re-imaging us from the time of the fall, culminating in the death and resurrection of Christ. To be re-imaged is to once again see life from a sacred perspective, to walk in the ancient ways of holiness and to learn to view all of life from God's perspective. As we do so the Holy Spirit re-images us piece by piece, thought by thought, action by action, commitment by commitment.
God's desire is that His people would once again claim the sacredness of life. It is who He created us to be. It was His intention from the day of creation. It is what He is recreating through salvation and the outworking of the Gospel and it is what He will bring to fruition when Heaven comes Down to Earth and the two become one - completely re-imaged and remade to the original intent of the creator.
It is in that light that the Ten Commandments, the moral law makes the most sense starting with "You shall have no other Gods before me." There can be no competing God's in our lives for either we worship Him wholly or we don't. While there are many competing Gods that call our attention, our sacred devotion is to one alone. In fact, if we got this one right, the following nine commands would not be necessary!
We should not misuse God's name because He is Holy and therefor our speech is holy and sacred as well. We remember the sabbath (in principle) because how we spend our time is sacred. We honor our father and mother because that is where we learn to live under authority and ultimately to honor God. We do not commit murder because life is sacred, we don't steal because our actions are sacred and God provides what we need. We don't commit adultery because marriage is sacred or give false testimony because truth is sacred. We don't covet because even our thinking is sacred.
Learning to look at all of life from a sacred perspective is part of the re-imaging each of us need. God created us in His image, an amazing truth that is hard for us to get our hands around. That image has been badly tarnished by sin but God has been re-imaging us from the time of the fall, culminating in the death and resurrection of Christ. To be re-imaged is to once again see life from a sacred perspective, to walk in the ancient ways of holiness and to learn to view all of life from God's perspective. As we do so the Holy Spirit re-images us piece by piece, thought by thought, action by action, commitment by commitment.
God's desire is that His people would once again claim the sacredness of life. It is who He created us to be. It was His intention from the day of creation. It is what He is recreating through salvation and the outworking of the Gospel and it is what He will bring to fruition when Heaven comes Down to Earth and the two become one - completely re-imaged and remade to the original intent of the creator.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Relational Equity
The strongest currency we have with those around us is relational equity. The greater that equity the greater the trust and influence. The lower the equity the less the trust and influence. Relational equity is something that is carefully cultivated and preserved by those who desire to influence others. It is an intentional investment in relationships over time that causes others to trust, count on, value, and appreciate our relationship - whether it is a close one or from a distance.
Relational equity is not built quickly. One of the advantages of long term friendships in the personal arena and long term ministry in the ministry arena is the opportunity to build strong equity over many years. The longer we have a healthy relationship with others, the greater the trust that is developed and the more we can mutually count on one another, help one another and influence one another.
This relational equity is important if we want to speak into the lives of others or allow them to speak into our lives. We listen to those we trust and who we know has our best interests in mind. On the other hand where such equity does not exist we often resent or discount counsel from others who try to push into our lives: not surprising since we don't know their motivations or know whether we cant trust their intentions.
What are the factors in building this kind of relational equity? First it is built over time because time validates our intentions and builds trust. Second, it is clear to others that we have their best interests in mind - all the time by our actions and service to them. Third, we have not stepped over appropriate boundaries in the relationship or taken advantage of others. Fourth, our interactions are respectful, honoring and have the effect of building others up. Fifth, we can be counted on, are faithful friends and show up when needed. All of these qualities over time build significant equity in the relationship. When any of them are violated we lose equity.
There are no investments more worthwhile or important than relational ones. Those investments are the currency of influence and growth as we interact with people with whom we have mutual trust. They are to be guarded carefully because once violated, they can be hard to rebuild. Those with great relational equity are wealthy people in the best sense of the word.
Relational equity is not built quickly. One of the advantages of long term friendships in the personal arena and long term ministry in the ministry arena is the opportunity to build strong equity over many years. The longer we have a healthy relationship with others, the greater the trust that is developed and the more we can mutually count on one another, help one another and influence one another.
This relational equity is important if we want to speak into the lives of others or allow them to speak into our lives. We listen to those we trust and who we know has our best interests in mind. On the other hand where such equity does not exist we often resent or discount counsel from others who try to push into our lives: not surprising since we don't know their motivations or know whether we cant trust their intentions.
What are the factors in building this kind of relational equity? First it is built over time because time validates our intentions and builds trust. Second, it is clear to others that we have their best interests in mind - all the time by our actions and service to them. Third, we have not stepped over appropriate boundaries in the relationship or taken advantage of others. Fourth, our interactions are respectful, honoring and have the effect of building others up. Fifth, we can be counted on, are faithful friends and show up when needed. All of these qualities over time build significant equity in the relationship. When any of them are violated we lose equity.
There are no investments more worthwhile or important than relational ones. Those investments are the currency of influence and growth as we interact with people with whom we have mutual trust. They are to be guarded carefully because once violated, they can be hard to rebuild. Those with great relational equity are wealthy people in the best sense of the word.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Straight Talk about Results in Missions
Missionaries are under increasing pressure to prove that they are getting results in missions today. Impatient sending churches are sometimes quick to criticize and even pull support when their version of results are not realized. This is both a good thing and a bad thing...depending.
At the expense of irritating some local church leaders, I want to suggest that the pressure for quick results in missions is not only unbiblical but hypocritical. In the United States it takes on average 168 people one year to bring one person to Christ. A church that sees ten percent conversion growth in any given year is on the very high end of churches nationally (on average). So a church of 500 would see 50 conversions in the course of a year and that would be considered very healthy. Think about that. Five hundred people and 50 conversions. Now apply that same standard to missionaries (what a team of ten or so) working in hard soil (consider the Muslim context) and we complain that they are not seeing quick results! If we applied the standards to ourselves that we apply to missionaries we would often get a failing grade! Yes we have many large churches and the vast majority of those who make up the congregations have transferred in from other churches while the vast majority of mission conversions are first generation Christians.
The west loves fast results. Missions is rarely about fast results. It was not for Paul and it will not be for us. It took nearly 300 years for Paul's early efforts in missions to see Christianity flourish in the Roman empire - 300 years.
As the leader of a mission organization, ReachGlobal, one of our guiding principles is that "We measure results." We want to know whether or not we are being effective. In addition, we deploy in teams for maximum synergies and insist that all staff have annual ministry plans and Key Result Areas - including me. We are always looking for best practices and as another one of our guiding principles states, "We practice entrepreneurial thinking." In addition, our Central Ministry Focus is to develop, empower and release healthy national leaders. So we are all about multiplication over addition. All well and good - except - we cannot control when "harvest" comes. We can control our intentionality and best practices but we cannot control the harvest. In fact, there is no excuse for lack of intentionality in missions but the fact remains we do not control the harvest - only God does.
At the expense of irritating some local church leaders, I want to suggest that the pressure for quick results in missions is not only unbiblical but hypocritical. In the United States it takes on average 168 people one year to bring one person to Christ. A church that sees ten percent conversion growth in any given year is on the very high end of churches nationally (on average). So a church of 500 would see 50 conversions in the course of a year and that would be considered very healthy. Think about that. Five hundred people and 50 conversions. Now apply that same standard to missionaries (what a team of ten or so) working in hard soil (consider the Muslim context) and we complain that they are not seeing quick results! If we applied the standards to ourselves that we apply to missionaries we would often get a failing grade! Yes we have many large churches and the vast majority of those who make up the congregations have transferred in from other churches while the vast majority of mission conversions are first generation Christians.
The west loves fast results. Missions is rarely about fast results. It was not for Paul and it will not be for us. It took nearly 300 years for Paul's early efforts in missions to see Christianity flourish in the Roman empire - 300 years.
As the leader of a mission organization, ReachGlobal, one of our guiding principles is that "We measure results." We want to know whether or not we are being effective. In addition, we deploy in teams for maximum synergies and insist that all staff have annual ministry plans and Key Result Areas - including me. We are always looking for best practices and as another one of our guiding principles states, "We practice entrepreneurial thinking." In addition, our Central Ministry Focus is to develop, empower and release healthy national leaders. So we are all about multiplication over addition. All well and good - except - we cannot control when "harvest" comes. We can control our intentionality and best practices but we cannot control the harvest. In fact, there is no excuse for lack of intentionality in missions but the fact remains we do not control the harvest - only God does.
Here is what I know from Scripture: God intends to bring an amazing harvest in His time, in His way and through His power. We are asked to simply live in His power, see through His eyes and live in faith filled expectancy. Harvest will come but we do not control the timing.
But I know several other things from the New Testament and Paul's example in particular. First, the harvest is never easy. Read Paul's litany of tough experiences in 2 Corinthians 11. There were places where Paul saw significant harvest and there were places where he did not.
In the first 25 years of Robert Morrison's ministry as the first Protestant to China he baptized only ten people. Twenty five years and ten people baptized. Yet, Morrison is widely known as the reason that Christianity came to China in the 1800's leading to the largest church in the world today. What if Morrison had been told after ten years of almost no results to come home and find a place where the harvest was better? Read the history of missions in India and many other places and the lesson is the same.
This goes to Paul's reminder in 1 Corinthians 3:5-9 that some of us sow, some of us water and some of us reap. He asks, which is more important, the sower, the one who waters or the reaper? Remember: wherever there is a significant harvest, there was behind that harvest those who labored for years in obscurity, sowing and watering. Like Morrison, they may never see the harvest in this life and while those who get to harvest get the accolades in missions, it was those who did the harder work of sowing and watering and praying that deserve the bulk of the credit.
ReachGlobal works in over 75 countries. In some countries the spiritual results are easy to see and large but only because someone before us did the hard and tedious and tough work of sowing and watering. In other contexts we are doing the tough work of sowing and watering and perhaps others will see the harvest.
In all cases we need to ensure that the investment we make in missions is being used wisely and that we are ministering with great intentionality. And we need to be people of prayer (in the local church and in missions) that God would break through. But we do not control the timing of that breakthrough. That is true domestically and internationally.
What do you think Paul would say if we told him that we only went to places where the harvest was significant? That would rule out most of the Muslim world (one billion) much of Europe and many yet to be reached people.
I lived in Hong Kong from 1960 to 1971 where my parents were medical missionaries. When we left there were five or six churches. It was slow going and hard. Today there are 55 Free Churches including the largest EFC in the world (10,000) to say nothing of the many other evangelical churches that saturate the territory. The church in Hong Kong stands on the shoulders of those missionaries who labored there, sowing and watering for many years, seeing only meager results.
We need a better theology of missions today. A theology rather than simple expediency.
God intends to bring an amazing harvest in His time, in His way and through His power. We are asked to simply live in His power, see through His eyes and live in faith filled expectancy. Harvest will come but we do not control the timing. The question is whether we will partner with God not only in harvest but in sowing and watering. Those who focus only on the harvest have settled for expediency. Those who focus on all three focus on a biblical view of global missions.
ReachGlobal works in over 75 countries. In some countries the spiritual results are easy to see and large but only because someone before us did the hard and tedious and tough work of sowing and watering. In other contexts we are doing the tough work of sowing and watering and perhaps others will see the harvest.
In all cases we need to ensure that the investment we make in missions is being used wisely and that we are ministering with great intentionality. And we need to be people of prayer (in the local church and in missions) that God would break through. But we do not control the timing of that breakthrough. That is true domestically and internationally.
What do you think Paul would say if we told him that we only went to places where the harvest was significant? That would rule out most of the Muslim world (one billion) much of Europe and many yet to be reached people.
I lived in Hong Kong from 1960 to 1971 where my parents were medical missionaries. When we left there were five or six churches. It was slow going and hard. Today there are 55 Free Churches including the largest EFC in the world (10,000) to say nothing of the many other evangelical churches that saturate the territory. The church in Hong Kong stands on the shoulders of those missionaries who labored there, sowing and watering for many years, seeing only meager results.
We need a better theology of missions today. A theology rather than simple expediency.
God intends to bring an amazing harvest in His time, in His way and through His power. We are asked to simply live in His power, see through His eyes and live in faith filled expectancy. Harvest will come but we do not control the timing. The question is whether we will partner with God not only in harvest but in sowing and watering. Those who focus only on the harvest have settled for expediency. Those who focus on all three focus on a biblical view of global missions.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Influence and self unimportance
I meet two kinds of people in Christian work. There are those who have a need for self importance. They need an impressive title, want significant authority, and need a fair amount of personal recognition. Often, in order to confirm their importance and expertise they will make declarative statements on issues and everyone knows from their demeanor that they are "important."
What is interesting about this is that Jesus Himself, never tried to act or look important and He is our model and the One we serve. How He was seen by others was not even on His radar. How he was seen by His Father was His overriding concern. Our desire to be important is antithetical to the One we serve. In fact, Jesus was content to be seen as unimportant by most. Those He ministered too, knew His worth!
Ironically, those who seek recognition often have the least influence because they are not servants of others and while people may give them deference because they know they want it, they do not necessarily respect them. In fact the way to the greatest influence in God's kingdom is cultivating self unimportance in the sense that our objective is to serve others rather than see others as serving us. The way to the greatest influence is that of humble service, regardless of our job title, recognition or scope of authority.
This second kind of Christian worker wants to have the greatest influence for God and His kingdom as possible but they are not driven by recognition or position.
What are the marks of self unimportance that lead to great influence? The first is that we take the posture of a servant to others. I lead an organization but my greatest influence does not come from my title but from the way I serve those who work in the organization. My goal is to make ReachGlobal a great place for people to work, use their gifting and be released to accomplish our mission. To the extent that I serve those in RG well, I have influence both inside our organization and in the world at large. In fact, I believe the job of leaders is to serve well by creating an environment where people and ministry can flourish.
Second, people who cultivate self unimportance listen and dialogue with others rather than making declarative statements or unilateral decisions. Watch leaders who listen, ask questions, dialogue and invite discussion and feedback and you see people who are less interested in their own importance and more interested in engaging a team for ministry results.
Third, people who cultivate self unimportance minister to the needs of others. They are outward centered, care about the lives and situations of those around them and there is no service too humble for them to perform for others. They believe that people are important, matter to God, have infinite worth and treat them with love and respect. Again, it is an attitude of service to others rather than one of having the expectation of being served.
Fourth, people who cultivate self unimportance do not seek the applause of others. Life is not about them. It is about Christ and His Kingdom. There is a deep satisfaction found in serving Jesus and His divine amen on their lives is far more important than the recognition of those around them. They are Jesus driven, not recognition driven.
This is an important distinction. Those who need the recognition of others or status are really trying to find their value and significance from other people. Their need comes out of their own lack of inner peace, confidence and self worth that comes from a deep relationship with Jesus. If our self worth is found in Christ, there is no situation that will rob us from that self worth. If it is found in status or position or the applause of others, it will be gone the instant those accoutrements of our lives are gone and they are indeed temporary and transitory.
Those who are confident in their relationship and standing with Jesus simply don't need the recognition of others and status to prop up their self worth. And because they don't need it they don't seek it. Ironically, they are the very ones others value, trust and are drawn to because of their servant and kingdom mindset. Because they are interested in kingdom influence rather than personal recognition (both take time and energy and focus) they end up having greater impact than those focused on themselves.
Influence comes from not needing to be important with others and that becomes possible when we know that our identity is found in Christ above all. Secure in Him we can focus on His kingdom and not our importance.
What is interesting about this is that Jesus Himself, never tried to act or look important and He is our model and the One we serve. How He was seen by others was not even on His radar. How he was seen by His Father was His overriding concern. Our desire to be important is antithetical to the One we serve. In fact, Jesus was content to be seen as unimportant by most. Those He ministered too, knew His worth!
Ironically, those who seek recognition often have the least influence because they are not servants of others and while people may give them deference because they know they want it, they do not necessarily respect them. In fact the way to the greatest influence in God's kingdom is cultivating self unimportance in the sense that our objective is to serve others rather than see others as serving us. The way to the greatest influence is that of humble service, regardless of our job title, recognition or scope of authority.
This second kind of Christian worker wants to have the greatest influence for God and His kingdom as possible but they are not driven by recognition or position.
What are the marks of self unimportance that lead to great influence? The first is that we take the posture of a servant to others. I lead an organization but my greatest influence does not come from my title but from the way I serve those who work in the organization. My goal is to make ReachGlobal a great place for people to work, use their gifting and be released to accomplish our mission. To the extent that I serve those in RG well, I have influence both inside our organization and in the world at large. In fact, I believe the job of leaders is to serve well by creating an environment where people and ministry can flourish.
Second, people who cultivate self unimportance listen and dialogue with others rather than making declarative statements or unilateral decisions. Watch leaders who listen, ask questions, dialogue and invite discussion and feedback and you see people who are less interested in their own importance and more interested in engaging a team for ministry results.
Third, people who cultivate self unimportance minister to the needs of others. They are outward centered, care about the lives and situations of those around them and there is no service too humble for them to perform for others. They believe that people are important, matter to God, have infinite worth and treat them with love and respect. Again, it is an attitude of service to others rather than one of having the expectation of being served.
Fourth, people who cultivate self unimportance do not seek the applause of others. Life is not about them. It is about Christ and His Kingdom. There is a deep satisfaction found in serving Jesus and His divine amen on their lives is far more important than the recognition of those around them. They are Jesus driven, not recognition driven.
This is an important distinction. Those who need the recognition of others or status are really trying to find their value and significance from other people. Their need comes out of their own lack of inner peace, confidence and self worth that comes from a deep relationship with Jesus. If our self worth is found in Christ, there is no situation that will rob us from that self worth. If it is found in status or position or the applause of others, it will be gone the instant those accoutrements of our lives are gone and they are indeed temporary and transitory.
Those who are confident in their relationship and standing with Jesus simply don't need the recognition of others and status to prop up their self worth. And because they don't need it they don't seek it. Ironically, they are the very ones others value, trust and are drawn to because of their servant and kingdom mindset. Because they are interested in kingdom influence rather than personal recognition (both take time and energy and focus) they end up having greater impact than those focused on themselves.
Influence comes from not needing to be important with others and that becomes possible when we know that our identity is found in Christ above all. Secure in Him we can focus on His kingdom and not our importance.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Our Inner Compass and Decision Making
Each of us has an inner compass which is made up of our convictions, accumulated experiences, skill set and of course, the voice of the Holy Spirit. Wise individuals learn to pay attention to that inner compass and not to move forward on something where there is not inner peace. It is an intangible voice but one that should never be ignored.
It is not unusual for leaders to be pushed for decisions that others would like them to make. It is easy to accede to that pressure even when there is a "gut check" that says, "don't do it." We ought to be very cautious about moving forward when there is a "heart check" that exists in our spirit. My experience is that when I have ignored that "check in my spirit" I have been sorry later.
Another area where we need to heed our "inner discernment" is with people when positioning them within our organization. They or their advocates may push for a certain job or position when one's inner compass has yellow or red flags. Until those flags have been resolved it is unwise to make a move, regardless of the pressure.
Even our own job factors into our inner compass. There come times in our lives when our spirit is telling us that it is time to move on, do something different or move in a different direction. The best thing we can do is to take that prompting seriously and make it a matter of consideration and prayer.
Sometimes this prompting comes from our own experience and the wisdom we have gained over the years. That bank of experience and wisdom should be taken seriously. Other times, it is the Holy Spirit that is prompting us in one direction or another. Learning to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit is one of the greatest gifts we could give ourselves. He knows things we don't know and is our "counselor."
Heeding our inner compass, whether our own bank of experience or the promptings of the Holy Spirit does not come on the fly. They require one to be reflective, to think about decisions long enough to be comfortable with the direction one is going and to be prayerful in that reflection. That is why wise individuals are deeply reflective and refuse to make decisions before they are ready to or to simply allow others to make decisions for them.
Reflection, prayer, time and past experience have a way of giving us great wisdom if we will slow down to make those considerations a priority. It can save us from lots of "dumb tax" and future regrets.
It is not unusual for leaders to be pushed for decisions that others would like them to make. It is easy to accede to that pressure even when there is a "gut check" that says, "don't do it." We ought to be very cautious about moving forward when there is a "heart check" that exists in our spirit. My experience is that when I have ignored that "check in my spirit" I have been sorry later.
Another area where we need to heed our "inner discernment" is with people when positioning them within our organization. They or their advocates may push for a certain job or position when one's inner compass has yellow or red flags. Until those flags have been resolved it is unwise to make a move, regardless of the pressure.
Even our own job factors into our inner compass. There come times in our lives when our spirit is telling us that it is time to move on, do something different or move in a different direction. The best thing we can do is to take that prompting seriously and make it a matter of consideration and prayer.
Sometimes this prompting comes from our own experience and the wisdom we have gained over the years. That bank of experience and wisdom should be taken seriously. Other times, it is the Holy Spirit that is prompting us in one direction or another. Learning to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit is one of the greatest gifts we could give ourselves. He knows things we don't know and is our "counselor."
Heeding our inner compass, whether our own bank of experience or the promptings of the Holy Spirit does not come on the fly. They require one to be reflective, to think about decisions long enough to be comfortable with the direction one is going and to be prayerful in that reflection. That is why wise individuals are deeply reflective and refuse to make decisions before they are ready to or to simply allow others to make decisions for them.
Reflection, prayer, time and past experience have a way of giving us great wisdom if we will slow down to make those considerations a priority. It can save us from lots of "dumb tax" and future regrets.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Emotional Voyeurism and Pseudo Discipling
There are people who under the guise of spiritual formation and "community" encourage others to bare their deepest secrets to them. I am not talking about trained counselors here but good intentioned individuals who believe that unless all is on the table and out in the open there cannot be growth. They set themselves up as the spiritual coach who can guide the process and encourage people to peel back the layers of their psyche to them.
In large part, these individuals are seeking to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but what it often really amounts to is emotional voyeurism - looking into places in another person's life that they are not qualified to look into, opening wounds or issues that they are not qualified to deal with and creating an emotional bond (enmeshment) that is unhealthy and creates spiritual dependency on them.
These individuals naturally gravitate toward other emotionally wounded individuals who are already vulnerable and needy. Because emotionally needy people need the affirmation of others they are easily drawn into spiritual enmeshed relationships with these "pseudo disciplers" that is unhealthy. And, it is not unusual for them to actually become even more unhealthy as unqualified "counselors" open issues in their lives that they cannot help fix. Because these self taught spiritual coaches use hyper spiritual language, those drawn in believe that these individuals can help them grow closer to God when in reality they are often simply creating spiritual dependency on themselves.
Healthy followers of Christ never open wounds or get into issues that they are not qualified to deal with. In addition, they never play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. Frankly this is how cults come into being as it can be emotionally appealing to have others dependent on us an there are always vulnerable people who will go there if we allow them.
Healthy disciplers help others grow in their own self - knowledge through time in the word, in prayer and introspection. They do not need to know or even desire to know many of the details of another's inner life but point them continually to God. Appropriate sharing in appropriate settings is encouraged for mutual edification and accountability but never in a way that supplants the role of the Holy Spirit or creates a spiritual dependency on another individual. Our dependency is always on Christ rather than a person.
Churches and ministry organizations should be on guard against those who enjoy emotional voyeurism or spiritual dependencies. No matter what the spiritual language that is used, anyone who is creating spiritual or emotional dependencies on themselves are not themselves healthy. In fact, it is usually unresolved spiritual issues in their own lives that give them a need to create enmeshed emotional and spiritual ties with other vulnerable individuals. Whether called discipleship, community or spiritual coaching, be on guard. Healthy individuals create healthy relationships, personally and spiritually. Unhealthy individuals create unhealthy relationships, personally and spiritually.
In large part, these individuals are seeking to play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others but what it often really amounts to is emotional voyeurism - looking into places in another person's life that they are not qualified to look into, opening wounds or issues that they are not qualified to deal with and creating an emotional bond (enmeshment) that is unhealthy and creates spiritual dependency on them.
These individuals naturally gravitate toward other emotionally wounded individuals who are already vulnerable and needy. Because emotionally needy people need the affirmation of others they are easily drawn into spiritual enmeshed relationships with these "pseudo disciplers" that is unhealthy. And, it is not unusual for them to actually become even more unhealthy as unqualified "counselors" open issues in their lives that they cannot help fix. Because these self taught spiritual coaches use hyper spiritual language, those drawn in believe that these individuals can help them grow closer to God when in reality they are often simply creating spiritual dependency on themselves.
Healthy followers of Christ never open wounds or get into issues that they are not qualified to deal with. In addition, they never play the role of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Nor do they, in their discipling of others, create a spiritual dependency on themselves. Frankly this is how cults come into being as it can be emotionally appealing to have others dependent on us an there are always vulnerable people who will go there if we allow them.
Healthy disciplers help others grow in their own self - knowledge through time in the word, in prayer and introspection. They do not need to know or even desire to know many of the details of another's inner life but point them continually to God. Appropriate sharing in appropriate settings is encouraged for mutual edification and accountability but never in a way that supplants the role of the Holy Spirit or creates a spiritual dependency on another individual. Our dependency is always on Christ rather than a person.
Churches and ministry organizations should be on guard against those who enjoy emotional voyeurism or spiritual dependencies. No matter what the spiritual language that is used, anyone who is creating spiritual or emotional dependencies on themselves are not themselves healthy. In fact, it is usually unresolved spiritual issues in their own lives that give them a need to create enmeshed emotional and spiritual ties with other vulnerable individuals. Whether called discipleship, community or spiritual coaching, be on guard. Healthy individuals create healthy relationships, personally and spiritually. Unhealthy individuals create unhealthy relationships, personally and spiritually.
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