A friendship lost

I lost a friend on Friday of 23 years. Few people have prayed for me more often over the past two decades than my friend Naomi. When I heard of her home going I immediately felt the hole of a deep friendship gone and a prayer partner who has prayed for me every day as I traveled over two million miles to fifty plus countries, faithfully following my daily schedule.

What was remarkable about this friendship is that I met Naomi when I was 32 and she was 80. She was single as she had been all her life. Yes, she celebrated her 103rd birthday days before she died. For years we met for breakfast twice a month until my travel schedule slowed us down to a monthly visit. We talked God, theology, world events, and for years Naomi devoured the best of my books until her eyes made reading too difficult. Her one fear was that all of her friends would desert her as she aged. I promised I never would and kept that promise.

I was not the only one she prayed for. She had a long list of friends, family and missionaries who have lost a prayer warrior. At ninety I gave her an email machine so she could keep up with all those friends and thousands of emails came and went over a decade until her fingers would no longer cooperate. I know those hands well because she love to just sit and hold my hands in hers as her world became smaller with the loss of mobility and her confinement to a wheelchair. When she wondered why the Lord kept her alive so long I would remind her of how many people she prayed for and was a dear friend too.


To my boys, she was grandma Naomi - an adopted grandma who they have known virtually all their lives. To the end their pictures were a part of her now small world in a nursing home. I don't think they ever really noticed her age until we saw her as a family last Christmas and she was in a wheel chair. Even then it was as if the years peeled back and life was like it always was at Christmas when the family would visit her apartment for an evening of cookies and games.


Friendships are precious. Prayer partners are priceless. Never take them for granted. I will be forever blessed and enriched by this unlikely friendship that lasted for so many years.

The elephants in the room

On a recent consult with leaders from a local church one of the common refrains was that there were a lot of elephants in the room. Elephants are those issues that everyone knows are present but nobody feels free to name. It is also an indication that there is not enough safety or trust in the group to put the elephant (an unresolved but significant issue) on the table.

Every organization has issues that are problematic. The problem with elephants is that they are issues that cannot be discussed without repercussions from some corner. In other words, the presence of elephants is indicative of a culture that both avoids conflict (we don't want to talk about it) and which lacks the necessary trust to have a discussion around an issue without threat of personal repercussions. Elephants then, by definition, because they cannot be named and discussed are indicators of a dysfunctional group or team.

We discussed the result of conflict avoidance in a recent post - sick churches, both because unresolved conflict does not go away but because the inability to deal with conflict indicates leaders who do not have have the courage to lead. Unattended issues fester and become tumors that hurt the body.

What groups do not understand about elephants, however, is that they are really opportunities to become a better organization or team. Dealt with, they are not negatives but opportunities to deal with an issue that has gone untreated and which if solved will better the team and organization. In other words, wherever you uncover an elephant you uncover an opportunity to get better, become healthier and build greater trust.

One of the elephants for this group was that while they "wanted to grow" they didn't want their church "family" to change so they actually resisted allowing new people into the family dynamics or relationships of the church. Thus, like many churches they were plateaued and actually in decline. Nobody wanted to talk about the dynamic that held them hostage because it was uncomfortable and involved something they had to own. But once on the table for discussion they had an opportunity to face their own dysfunction and think about changes they needed to make so that new people coming in would want to stay. Their significant problem was actually a huge opportunity if faced and handled well.

The reluctance to name elephants or issues is that we know someone will be offended. In our organization we talk about robust dialogue where any issue can be put on the table with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. We can be honest but we cannot get personal. The issue is the issue, it is not a person. We also work very hard to create safe environments where we can discuss issues without people feeling unsafe.

It is a matter of perspective. Elephants are problems but problems, rather than being negative are actually opportunities to grow and get better. I am always interested in finding ways to grow and get better as an organization so I welcome the uncovering of problems or elephants or any issue that if resolved in a positive way makes us a better, healthier, more effective organization.

The key is to create a safe environment where we can put the issues on the table and keep them as issues that we all have a stake in resolving with the commitment that there will never be recrimination for naming them. This obviously requires a senior leader and other leaders who are not defensive but who model and invite transparency and open dialogue. After all it is not about us but about the mission that Jesus has given us.

Inside out: Why our personal issues impact others

We often do not pay close enough attention to our inner lives - those things that wake us up in the night, anger we harbor over issues or people, anxieties that cause a slow grade burn in our stomach, worries or unresolved issues or besetting sin. We figure these are just our issues but the truth is that they become other peoples issues as well because Jesus said that what is in our hearts (and minds) is what spills over to others from our lives (Matthew 7:15-23).

I put it this way. We live inside out. What resides inside us inevitably spills over to others whether we are aware of it or not. On the negative side, it can exhibit itself in irritability, shortness, lack of compassion or understanding or even anger which has nothing to do with those who are on the receiving end but has everything to do with issues we are struggling with. I think of the difficulty I imposed on my wife and kids during a time of depression. They took the brunt of my issues. I was living inside out even though I didn't want to or intend to. Dishealth inside - as it spills out can create missunderstandings, the break up of friendships, treating others poorly and it's ripples can be large and unhealthy. This is why people with significant dysfunctions cause chaos and dysfunctions in relationships and friendships.

On the positive side, when we are healthy, at peace with ourselves, our situation and with others, that peace spills out in kindness, compassion, graciousness, patience and in all kinds of ways that reflect the fruit of the Spirit. What is inside will spill over because we live inside out. The healther we are personally the healthier our impact on those around us. That health encourages health in others as well. It's ripples are large and many. Think of how the righeousness and health of Jesus rippled on those around Him and how it not only attracted others to Him but to desire what He had. Inner health lived inside out is powerful, wonderful and magnetic.

Because we live inside out we need to first be aware of the unresolved issues in our own lives (we all have them) and then do all we can to resolve them in a healthy manner. Unresolved issues cause issues for others.

We also need to be aware of how our inner issues manifest themselves to others while we are working through them. They do: And the more aware we are of them the better we can work to ensure that they do not negatively impact others.

Third, when we are dealing with something particularly difficult it is often helpful to disclose those challenges to others so that they can support, and pray for us as well as understand when we are short, unkind or irritable. People around us will give us grace if they understand some of the pressures we are dealing with.

Remember, we live inside out, whether we know it or not. For those of use who live in the leadership arena the stakes regarding our inner health are even higher because our inner lives ripple on that many more people.

Graciousness

The interactions of Jesus with people overflowed with graciousness, gentleness and love. The only exception was when He dealt with the Pharisees and hypocrites (often one and the same) where he appropriately rebuked their heart attitudes. But think of his interaction with the woman at the well, Mary and Martha, Nicodemus, the blind man Bartemaeus and the list could go on. People gravitated to Jesus because of His love, His unconditional acceptance and the grace which He exuded.

Contrast that with the way we often deal with one another in God's family. Hard words, unnecessary barbs, sharpness, putting others down or in their place, calling into question motives, anger, irritation, unforgiveness and words that once spoken or sent in an email cannot be taken back. There is a great deal of ungraciousness among God's people that is incompatible with the example of Jesus and the teaching of the New Testament.

Think about Paul's letter to the Ephesians on this subject. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up...Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other...Be imitators of God...and live a life of love...(Ephesians 4-5)." Or Romans: "Live in harmony with one another...live at peace with everyone...Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another...(Romans 12-13)."

There are times when we must have hard conversations but even in those they can be done with graciousness. Perhaps the hardest people to be gracious to are those we are closest to because it is easy to take them for granted - a spouse or colleague. The test of our graciousness is not those so much we don't know but those we do know and whose weaknesses we are well aware of.

I want to be known as a gracious leader, friend, husband and colleague. There are days when I fail miserably but my desire is to see people and treat people as Jesus did. This includes kindness and warm courtesy, tact, a merciful and compassionate nature, sympathy, and politeness. It is what my late uncle Warren had that caused us all to want to be around him. He was the definition of graciousness and it was a magnet to others.

Loving others is the foundation of graciousness toward them. Further, they are men and women made in the very image of God. Harsh attitudes don't come from God - loving attitudes do.

Triangulation and incestuous information channels

It is not unusual when dealing with dysfunctional organizations, boards or churches that there is a lot of inappropriate conversation taking place. In fact, where there is a lot of gossip, blind copying of emails clogging cyberspace, "confidential" information being shared inside and outside the organization with people who have no business knowing that information, you have a sign of an unhealthy and dysfunctional workplace or board (or wherever it is taking place).

While it is a strong term, I call this kind of dysfunctional communication "incestuous information" because the definition of incestuous is "inappropriately intimate or interconnected." Let me give you an example. In one organization I once knew, employees left disgruntled yet they continued to call others in the organization who kept them up to date with the latest developments (including a former COO). Further, when employees were unhappy with management some of them would call board members to vent (going around their own supervisor). There was gossip inside the organization, outside the organization and information being inappropriately shared at many different levels. Blind copies went places they have no place going and you never knew what information was being shared by whom. It was incestuous in its nature, caused all kinds of relational triangulation and frankly chaos as one tried to sort out what was true, what was not true, and who knew what. I know churches, boards and Christian organizations who fit into this mode. And the key factor is that they are dysfunctional.

Healthy organizations, boards and churches operate with a healthy and clear set of communication guidelines. First, they send confidential information only to the appropriate folks who have a need to know it and if there is a need to copy others it is a cc rather than a blind copy so all us upfront. Blind copies generally mean "this is a secret, don't let anyone know I told you" which can create later problems. At the same time CC's are not sent to those who are not involved as a way of pressuring the party being communicated with. Unnecessary or inappropriate CC's bring others into a conversation that they usually do not need to be involved in.

Second, they never violate their own chain of authority unless it has to do with a moral or ethical violation that causes them to go to a higher level.

Third, they speak well of the ministry they work with to others and don't reveal information that they know because they work there - unless it is available to the general public.

Fourth, they don't triangulate. They deal directly with those with whom they may have issues, not with those who cannot solve the issue and not with those who are not directly involved.

Fifth, they don't gossip or in any way denigrate others, including those they have issues with. Whatever needs to be spoken between two parties who have a dispute stays there and does not spill over to infect other innocent bystanders.

The Apostle Paul makes it clear that gossip is a heart and spiritual issue and he links gossip to other behaviors that are common but unhealthy and unspiritual. "I fear that there may be quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, factions, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder (speaking to the Corinthians, 2 Cor. 12:20). Gossip is actually responsible for a great deal of quarreling, jealousy, anger, factions, slander (by its very nature) and disorder (chaos as above). Arrogance is part of the picture because when I engage in gossip I put myself in a place of judgement over others.

The bottom line is that how we communicate, who we communicate with, how we resolve issues, and whether or not we engage in inappropriate gossip and conversations matters a lot. If chaos and misunderstanding are the result it has gone bad. If order and understanding is the result it has gone well. It is a spiritual issue as well as an organizational issue.

What are you doing to intentionally raise up the next generation of leaders?

Every church, every mission, every ministry is one leadership generation (and that is not a long time) away from decline if we are not deeply intentional about raising up the generation who come behind us. In fact, I believe that our leadership stewardship is not primarily about what happens when we are in leadership, but when we are gone and the long term fruit of our work is either evident or not. And that means that we have paid attention to the sucession to the next generation of leaders in our ministry.

For church boards this often means taking the risk (in the eyes of current board members) to mentor and bring on young leaders who think differently and come with a different perspective than older leaders. And, making them welcome at the leadership table.

For churches with long term pastors who are now in their late fifties or early sixties, it may mean bringing on the next senior pastor and making a transition over a period of years so that the pastoral transition is planned and smooth. The larger the congregation the more helpful this is. It is a change in paradigm from simply waiting until the present senior pastor retires and then hiring someone completely new to the church. That obviously takes a selfless and unthreatened current senior pastor who is willing to share leadership for a period of time and then transition to the new leader as he transitions to either retirement or a different position in the church.

The issue of next generation leadership is particularly critical in mission organizations where my observation is that there is an aging leadership group and where leadership is often given to those who have long experience regardless of whether they have leadership skills or not. Mission organizations today are in a vulnerable position as the world is changing rapidly around them and unless they also change many current missions are going to find themselves in serious decline. I was surprised recently when one large and well known mission replaced its retiring CEO with an individual who was almost his age - as if it needed to guard the status quo rather than embrace the future.

Raising up the next generation of leaders in ministry does not happen without a passion to pass the torch well, to see the ministries we lead flourish and do even better when we are gone and a plan to bring new, younger leaders into key positions with the requisite mentoring and training to help them succeed. Any current leader over fifty ought to be thinking succession even as they continue to lead. Boards of ministries ought to be talking about this issue as well on an ongoing basis as they are stewards of the ministry.

This does not apply only to senior leaders but the the leadership bench throughout an organization. I know, for instance, a new senior pastor of a large church who inherited almost an entire staff of fifty five plus pastors who are locked into two decade old ministry paradigms. He must go through the painful process of bringing on a whole new set of leaders because the board and past senior pastor did not address the issue of leadership succession, or even keep their current staff growing and changing as the ministry grew.

The question for leaders is three fold: What are we doing to raise up the next generation of leaders througout the organization?; Who will replace us? and what are we doing to keep our current leadership staff on the cutting edge and not allowing them to coast toward retirement?

Don't waste your pain

I often talk with ministry professionals who are walking through pain, some very deep. It may be of their own making, more often it is not and sometimes it is grossly unfair - as life often is. My counsel to them is to seperate the source of the pain from how God wants to use that pain in our own lives for our good, our growth and our enhanced leadership potential.

A great example of this is Joseph in the Old Testament. Unfairly accused by his master's wife of trying to seduce her, he spent years in prison. Obviously the charge was bogus and the incarceration unfair. But, God had greater things in mind for Joseph and it was his prison experience which grew his faith and prepared him for what eventually became the second most important job in Egypt. If Joseph had focused on the unfairness of the situation he would likely have grown a bitter spirit. Instead he focused on serving God in the prison and growing his relationship with Him and he emerged stronger and wiser and more mature.

Pain, from whatever source, focuses our lives and gives us the chance to go deeper with God. And God, in His wisdom and graciousness is more interested in our growth in relationship with Him than in our comfort. It is the process He uses to grow our hearts to be like His which is the greatest gift any of us could ever experience.

When we experience pain, there are two focuses we can choose. One is to focus on the source of our pain - often unfair circumstances or unfair people. We do need wisdom in how we respond to people and circumstances to be sure. However, even more important is to focus on what God wants to do in our lives through the circumstances because ultimately we cannot control people and circumstances but we can ensure that we don't waste the opportunity God is handing to us to grow closer to Him, learn more about faith and grace and followership and faithfulness.

Early in my ministry career I walked through some deeply unfair circumstances. Many around me wanted justice for me which from a human standpoint would have been very satisfying. In retrospect, however, I realize that while the situation was not fair, God was up to something in my life that was far more important than the fairness or lack of it. He wanted to change me in ways that only could be accomplished in pain. I am forever thankful for the pain, and that I did not waste the pain by focusing on the wrong things because that pain was responsible for major transformation in my own life over time. I did not get justice: I got something far more precious than justice - I got heart transformation that has spilled over to others ever since.

It is easy when experiencing pain to conclude that God is punishing us, or that we don't have enough faith or have not pleased Him in some way. The reality is that pain is often one of the greatest signs of God's love for us in that through the situation we have the opportunity to press into Him and get to know Him more intimately. Far from being punishment it is often an invitation to come to the One we were made for and experience His peace, presence and relationship.

Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33)."

Does your church board need help? Most do!

Could your board use some help in the common areas where church boards struggle? Make a small investment in moving toward greater board health and effectiveness!

-Coming to clarity about vision and direction?
-Getting the right people on the board and the wrong people off the board?
-Understanding what the role of church boards is and is not? 
-Building strong unified boards?
-Grow the spiritual commitments of the the board and congregation?
-Being more intentional in leading the church?
-Getting rid of the complicated board structures that strangle ministry in many churches?
-Developing board meetings that are focused and effective?
-Developing a set of guidelines that guard board behaviors?
-Learning how to bring needed change and negotiate that change with the congregation?
-Understand the DNA of your church including the spoken and unspoken values?
-Intentionally developing a more healthy church ethos?

These are the kinds of questions this book will help your board deal with. Eighty percent of churches in the United States are either plateaued or in decline and much of that has to do with how the church leadership leads. If you are weary of the norm and want a better way for your board, this book will help you get there.

Life as a journey from brokenness to wholeness

There are many ways of looking at the journey of life but I am convinced that one of the most important is seeing it as a journey from brokenness to wholeness through our walk with Jesus. One of the ironies of age is that the older we grow the more cognizant we are of our own sinfulness and inherent brokenness. That in itself is a great blessing because it sets us on a path toward the kind of life wholeness that Jesus came to bring. 

One of the most encouraging things Jesus said was that he had come so that we could "have life and have it to the full." The New Living Translation puts it this way. "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." Jesus desires to enter into our brokenness and bring wholeness - in all areas of life and in all those places where our own fallen nature and sin has brought pain or lessened the joy of life. 


We often look at our sinful tendencies with despair, knowing how often we fall into them and hurt ourselves. Jesus, however, looks at them with hope - the hope that comes from knowing that He came to lift us out of that misery and lead us to a life of greater and greater satisfaction in Him as we cooperate with the Holy Spirit to move from sinful tendencies to righteous tendencies. Jesus is under no illusions as to who we are by ourselves. He has a high and amazing view of who we can be - and are - through His redemption of our lives:

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession - to the praise of his glory (Ephesians 1:11-14)."


We need to start seeing ourselves as Jesus sees us and in response to his high and exalted view of who He has made us to be, press into those areas where we still live with brokenness and work with Him toward greater wholeness. It is not necessary to live with the disappointment of our brokenness. Rather we can see life as a journey with Christ toward wholeness and do our part in putting off those things that hold us back and put on those things that are like Him and will lead us forward. 

Let's get practical: What is the one thing God has been talking to you about regarding your need to move from brokenness to wholeness? Are you/we willing to focus on that one thing for the next month and allow Him with your cooperation to take the next healing step of your journey? 

There will be a day when we are completely whole - when we see Jesus face to face. The greatest gift we can give to Him and to ourselves until that day is to keep walking from what we were to what God created us to be. It is a journey of hope, healing, anticipation, ever increasing joy as our hearts become more like His heart. Remember we were made in His image and while that image was compromised by sin, He came to reclaim us and His image in us.

Be fully who God made you to be

Timothy, in the New Testament, was like many of us when it comes to using our spiritual gifts - he was timid. He didn't quite know if he should really step into his gifting all the way and go for it. Evidently he held back like many of us do. 

Paul, challenged Timothy on this directly. "I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God...for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self - discipline (2 Timothy 1:6-7)."

It is interesting that Paul tells Timothy that God did not give us a spirit of timidity. Timid means lacking in self confidence or assurance, being shy, fearful or hesitant, lacking in boldness or determination. When it comes to using the gifts God has given us, how many of us fall into that category? We are hesitant to just step into who He made us to be, or fearful of going there - hesitant.

Yet, God uniquely created each of us for a unique purpose and gifted us for that purpose. Paul points this out in Ephesians 2:10: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." There is one unique "us" created to do "good works" which God prepared just for us to accomplish. That is why He gifts us!

So Paul tells Timothy, and us, "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. Power because we use our gifts in the power of His Spirit; love because our gifts are used to build others up and self-discipline because that is what it takes to overcome our reticence to step fully into who and what God made us to be. 

My gifts are in leadership, communication and strategy. God wants me to boldly use those gifts without apology, hesitancy or shyness knowing He gave them to me for His purposes. He wants you to do the same with whatever gifts He has given you. Paul says, enough of this hesitancy, Timothy, God gave you gifts and He wants you to use them in His power to build others up. Don't live fearfully or reticently but use those gifts with boldness, self confidence and determination.

Think of the amazing energy, synergy, power and impact we would have in our congregations if each of us fully stepped into our gifting with the confidence that God intends to use us for His unique purposes in our corner of the world. We would be different and our world would be different. Be completely who God made you to be.

Dissappointment with God

The longer we live the more disappointments we incur in life: some major and life changing, some less so but disappointments nonetheless. They come in the form of illness, injustices, things beyond our control and some change our lives forever. It is the nature of life. All of us experience them, none of us are exempt. At 55, I have a long list of them.

The question is not whether disappointments will come but how we will choose to deal with them. There are three common responses, the first being bitterness toward God. We would not label it as such but it is there, lying just below the surface for many people. That bitterness distances them from God because if He is responsible for our pain, what can be said about His goodness, His love, His reliability and His care for us? 

But think about this: "It is easy to blame God for bad things that happen in this world. The truth is that in blaming Him we are doing something even more terrible. We are blaming the perfect and holy God who created a perfect and holy creation for the sin that we as humans brought into the world in rebellion against Him. In essence, He created a perfect world, but we rebelled and now blame Him for the imperfect world. We ask why He allows bad things to happen, why He tolerates injustice and evil and sorrow and pain. Blame is heaped on the One who sought the very best for men and women made in His image who instead chose to rebel and go their own way. That is the greatest possible transfer of responsibility ever (When Life Comes Undone, p. 52)."


Bitterness toward God is exactly what the evil one wants for our lives for he is in the business of stealing, killing and destroying (John 10:10). His lie is that God is responsible for the evil in our world while the truth is that we are responsible for that evil along with the evil one. Blaming the creator and therefore alienating ourselves from Him is one of the classic lies of Satan who uses that lie to destroy our relationship with God. 


A second response to the disappointments we incur is to simply decided to settle for a diminished life. To allow a profound sadness to permeate our lives, steal our joy, rob our passion and hold us hostage to our pain. Again, the evil one has won because he has stolen from us what God intended for us (John 10:10). In that same verse, Jesus says, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." Jesus said this knowing all the issues we would face living in a fallen world and still He promises that He will give us life and life to the full. 


A third response is to press into our loving Savior, with faith that He is who He says He is, Has our lives in His hands, redeems pain for His purposes, and turns our human scars into divine scars if we will allow Him to. And that, He is with us in our pain for He experienced the same kind of pain when he walked our earth so that we can "approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 5:16)."


Choosing to trust God in the disappointments of life is the essence of faith. It is choosing to trust when we don't see the end and cannot understand the rationale. It is trusting God when we cannot see the answers we seek or the end we desire. Read again that great definition of faith in Hebrews 11:1. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for."


In the disappointments of life we cling to what we hope for in Jesus and we believe in what we do not presently see - knowing that He has provided the hope and that He sees what we do not see. And in that choice, we choose life, we choose trust, we choose faith, we choose Him and the fullness of life which He promises despite our circumstances or pain.


All of us suffer from disappointments in life. Which choice are we making today?

The one thing I look for in staff

There are naturally a number of things that we look for when hiring staff at any level of an organization - or when recruiting volunteers. Things like competency, Emotional Intelligence, fit with the culture of the organization and so on. But here is one non-negotiable for me which I will not compromise on: humility.

Humble individuals are teachable. They treat others with respect. They are eager to learn from others and can play on a team well. They don't need their own way and don't fight stupid intramural battles. They care more about the accomplishment of the mission than their own ego. In fact, their own egos don't get in the way of finding the best solutions in a team setting. They are not looking for personal recognition but want a win for the organization. Their humility makes it possible for them to keep short accounts and to apologize when they are wrong or have offended others. They are not competing for attention but are easy to have on the team.

Those who lack humility are prideful. Pride causes us to want to one up others, to get our own way, to claim the accolades personally. It prevents us from apologizing and keeping short accounts and can kill team spirit because it is about us, not the team. Pride keeps us from learning from others or from receiving counsel or rebuke. It craves recognition, importance, authority and control.  It is slow to praise others and competes for that praise. It often treats others with carelessness and lack of consideration. True introspection is difficult as pride gets in the way of seeing what is really there.

Now think carefully about the implications and characteristics of a humble or prideful individual on your ministry team or more importantly in a leadership role. Think about the impact their natural behaviors have on those they work with and the outcome of the ministry. Think about the ease of supervising a humble individual compared to a proud individual. Finally, compare these two kinds of people against the character of Christ and one sees how critical a humble spirit is to all that we do in Christian ministry. 

When you choose staff, don't miss this test. Almost without exception when I have dealt with a serious staff issue, there is an element of pride that is involved and gets in the way of healthy resolution. There is a reason that humility is so close to God's heart. It is part of his character.

Muslims are not the problem

Regardless of what we hear - Muslims are not the problem! Islam is (and I know that is not politically correct). Islam literally holds over a billion people hostage to a system that keeps people in bondage.

Consider: within Islam it heretical to question what the Koran says or how it is interpreted. Many women are kept in absolute bondage within their homes and often kept from receiving an education. In addition, they are forced to live with other wives causing ugly family rivalries and dynamics. Women have virtually no rights and are considered property of their husbands. It is forbidden to consider other faiths and conversion to Christianity can be a capital offense. The Koran is used to justify lying to non Muslims and killing the same. Children are brainwashed from an early age in many contexts to hate all non Muslims, especially the infidel west. Sharia law includes stoning for adultery, harsh penalties for women who disobey their husbands, the cutting off of hands for certain crimes and other penalties that defy justice. And, worst of all, the system is designed to keep people in it, allowing no debate, no dissent or no escape - which is why communities even in the west are insular and through fear, seek to keep people enslaved in the system. And the greatest fear of all is not knowing if one is in good standing with God and therefore what their eternal destiny is. One can hope and pray but it is all in the will of God which we cannot know!

But what of the people enslaved by such a system? Muslims are the victims of Islam. They are enslaved by miss-truth, by Scriptures which are not from the God of heaven, by a system that keeps them from exploring other options, by fear of violating that system and its consequences, and by a belief system that leaves one in limbo regarding their salvation. Muslims are victims of Islam and in need of believers who will love them, show them the wonders of the Gospel and invite them to freedom.

I love how The Crescent Project, a ministry that helps churches minister to Muslims states their vision: "We see a day when fear is replaced by love and millions of Christians are actively sharing the truth of Christ with millions of Muslims for the glory of God."


There is great fear among many regarding Muslims. As believers we should not fear for God died for Muslims as he died for all people. He died so that they could be freed from the prison and spiritual bondage of Islam. And we should always remember that the problem is Islam and the victims of Islam are its very adherents. 


If you or your church is interested in reaching out to Muslims one of the premier tools is The Bridges curriculum developed by The Crescent Project. Check it out. You will also find that many Muslims are open to a conversation regarding spiritual things.

Leaders and critical thinking

One of the unique roles leaders play for their team or organization is the discipline of critical thinking: Where are we going? How will we get there? What are we going after? What spells success? Do I have the right people? Are they situated in the right "lane"? Is there absolute clarity around our mission? What are the priorities for this coming year? Who will take over if I am taken out of the picture? Are we maximizing our spiritual influence? and the list could go on. 

Taking the time to reflect on the most important questions that help a ministry flourish is one of the key jobs of a leader. Because it is a hidden practice (it is not up front) and because it is not a physical activity, it is often lost in the busyness of all the other things leaders must do. Yet this basic discipline is the most critical thing a leader should be doing on an ongoing basis. 

If a leader does not pay attention to this area of their leadership role, someone else in the organization who thinks deeply often will. They will be the ones asking the right questions and trying to help the team define clarity and success. Ironically, people will gravitate to and often follow the individual who can help the organization think critically whether they have the title of leader or not. While many do not have the skill for critical thinking (they are primarily doers), most desire to have clarity about what they are about, where they are going and how they will get there.

As the leader of an organization, I actually build into my schedule, thinking and writing days or weeks. They are intentionally kept clear for the discipline of thinking, and then clarifying through writing. I also have some key members of my staff who are great critical thinkers and regularly we will call a meeting in a room full of white boards to tackle a significant issue. In fact, the majority of my meetings are designed to do problem solving, get to clarity on an important issue, rethink how we are doing what we do and maximize our impact. 

The discipline of critical thinking extends to hires that we make as well. There are few decisions that are more critical than the people one hires. They will either help drive the ministry forward or keep it back. The higher the level the hire, the more true this is. Thus, investing significant time in evaluating, dialoguing with, listening to and thinking through the strengths and weaknesses they bring to the ministry is crucial. 


There are consequences to every decision we make. Part of critical thinking is to ask the question: What are the unintended consequences of the decision we are considering. All decisions have consequences, it is the unintended consequences that we need to identify because they can compromise the very thing we are trying to accomplish. Knowing them becomes part of the critical thinking equation.


In a complex world, critical thinking is often a group activity. While I do a great deal of thinking about organizational issues alone, I never pull the trigger on a major decision without involving my key ministry colleagues. The power of combined thinking and wisdom is far higher than the wisdom of any one of us by ourselves. This is also why I often call meetings of key individuals to together tackle an important issue.

This requires a spirit of humility and collaboration on the part of leaders. Lone ranger leaders, no matter how great their critical thinking skills are will not maximize their organization's potential by themselves. We need other critical thinkers around us as well as their buy in - and if we together are part of the solution, we will all buy into that solution.

Good thinkers are also people who seek the wisdom of colleagues from other ministries to find out what they are experiencing, how they are tackling like problems and what "dumb tax" they have paid that you should avoid. If ministry leaders talked more often and with greater candor we would together raise the bar for all of our ministries.


Critical thinking is a hallmark of leaders who stay in front of those they are leading, always asking the right (and hard) questions, and always looking for better solutions to maximize the spiritual influence of their organization. It is also the route to innovation!

Missionary Lifestyles

We all know that authentic relationships with non-believers are critical to the mission that Christ left us. We are the bearers of the good news of the Gospel. Every follower of Jesus is a missionary to those in their circles of influence. There are no non missionaries in God's family. For some of us the question is, how do I do this most effectively?

First, remember that people are people, not projects for evangelism. Every man, woman and child has intrinsic worth as people made in the image of God. We develop relationships with others because God cares about them and therefore we care about them. Incarnational relationships are about stepping into relationship with others because they are loved by God and therefore by us. Just as God gave us unconditional love in spite of all of our issues, so we extend the same to others with the love God has given us. Just as Jesus looked for men and women in need of His love we do the same.


Second, we have more in common with unbelievers than we often think. All of us face common family, personal, work, children and other issues of life. One of the keys to developing authentic relationships is simply being transparent about our lives. Christians who put on a front that all is well all the time are not only lying to themselves but they are missing a unique opportunity to relate and connect with others. By being transparent, we invite transparency. That transparency draws us closer to those we are with and it opens opportunities to talk about how we deal with the challenges of life - which has a lot to do about faith.


Third, think about how you can love on those you have befriended. My wife, Mary Ann, puts it this way. "If I were in their position, what do I wish someone else would do for me?" So, when our neighbor has the flu, Mary Ann cooks a dinner and delivers it. Simply putting ourselves in the shoes of others helps us know how to best respond to them.


Fourth, pray for your friends. The hardest work in introducing someone to Christ is not done by us but by the Holy Spirit. Our regular prayer changes hearts as the Holy Spirit does His quiet work. Also, when a friend shares a problem they are facing simply ask "Can I pray about that for you?" Often they have never had someone offer to pray. If the opportunity is there, ask if you can pray with them right there. Together you lift their challenge to the throne of Jesus. This is far more powerful than we realize because in involving them they too are being invited into God's presence.


Fifth, when the opportunity comes up, be transparent about your own faith in Christ. My two nearly fatal illnesses have been the cause of much conversation by many who know of what happened. When people ask, "How did you pull through?" we simply tell them about the many people who prayed for me and how God miraculously healed. These kinds of conversations open doors to other conversations of faith. All people are on a spiritual journey and we want to encourage them to take the step over the line from unbelief to belief.


Sixth, introduce your unbelieving friends to other believing friends. There is a quality of relationship among believers that unbelievers are not used to. There is a quality of marriages that they are often unused to. Being with God's people opens the eyes of unbelievers to a world that they may not be used to. It certainly should challenge their world.


Seventh, be ready to share in simple terms your own spiritual journey and how God has changed your life. In the context of relationship and transparency this is neither out of the ordinary or pushy, it is simply life on life conversation. Encourage your friends to read the Gospel of John or other Scriptures and introduce them to good reading material. And continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will work in their hearts.


Missionary work is all about friendships where we genuinely enter into the lives of others with the same love and intentionality that Jesus did when on this planet and with us. And it is amazing to watch the Holy Spirit work and to be a part of God's redemptive plan with others. There is nothing more exciting in life.

Church programming and its impact on evangelism

Yesterday's post on Building authentic relationships with unbelievers presupposes that we have time to invest in those relationships. Perhaps one of the most challenging issues is that many churches program so heavily that it sucks up most if not all discretionary time of the congregation leaving little time for relationships outside the church. Added to this is the subtle message that "ministry" is to be found by volunteering inside the church and that healthy believers take advantage of all of the programming of the church. 


In contrast to this think about the amount of time that Jesus intentionally spent hanging around the very people who would never enter the door of a synagogue. They did not feel worthy to be there and their faith journey was such that they were a long ways from organized religion. Jesus did not expect these folks to show up at the Synagogue so He went to them. While many do find Christ through the church, there are many who will never darken the door of a church unless someone has intentionally developed a relationship with them.


For years, Mary Ann and I made an intentional decision to spend more time with neighbors and friends outside of church rather than to be involved in more programming in the church. While many congregations see 80% of real ministry taking place in the church we believe that 80% of ministry takes place outside the church as we engage a secular and unbelieving world with the love, help and claims of Jesus. I am convinced that one of the major reasons for the poor evangelism rates in the United States is that we are hoping unbelievers will show up in our church and find Christ through our programming while I believe the opposite is the intention of Christ and that it is through relationships that most conversions take place.


The concept of Simple Church is perhaps more conducive to evangelism than the complex, program driven churches we often encounter today. It would be ironic if our very programming efforts mitigated against more effective evangelism by leaving little time for relationships with unbelievers. And sending them the message that what we really care about is that they show up with us at church is (so they can hear about God) is probably not the best evangelism strategy. Many will not come, either.


I believe that the local church is God's intended means of reaching the world. It is His bride. But it is the church scattered during most of the week that primarily allows this to happen, not the church gathered. Further, we need to communicate that ministry is not simply about volunteering for roles in the church (important as those are) but in using our gifts in the places where He has given us spiritual influence - our neighborhoods, workplaces, little league, or wherever our relationships are to be found.


It is far easier and less intimidating to be with God's people than to be intentionally developing relationships with unbelievers. But that is where evangelism starts and that is the heart of God. In all of our great church programming, lets not program out the very time that is needed to bless our friends with the Gospel. The power of incarnational ministry is the most effective evangelism strategy we will ever have.

Building authentic relationships with unbelievers

Much evangelism strategy in the church today assumes that unbelievers will show up at our services. This is certainly a true assumption for many congregations at Christmas and Easter and they take full advantage of the opportunity. However, evangelism rates in the Unites States and Europe remain exceedingly low and I believe one of the key reasons for this is the lack of intentionality in developing relationships with unbelievers.

By nature, many of our relationships change as we come to Christ. We move from a majority of our relationships being with fellow unbelievers to a majority of our friendships being with believers. That is a natural development as they are our new family and fellow members of God's family. What is lost, if we are not careful and intentional are the very relationships that are necessary to influence our former friends toward a relationship with Christ. And the challenge increases as our spiritual age grows.

The key is to be aware of all the folks around us who don't know Christ and be intentional in developing relationships with them: our neighbors, workmates, restaurant servers, clerks at local stores and all those that our paths run across. 

Mary Ann and I have been deeply intentional in getting to know all of our neighbors for the 23 years we have lived in our neighborhood. We have seen several of those come to Christ as a result of long term relationships. Some years ago we chose a restaurant that we both enjoy and go back regularly and have developed friendships with most of the wait staff and owners. Because I am an author, we have shared my books like Live Like You Mean It and When Life Comes Undone with all of them. Mary Ann has done the same at her hairdressers. Then there is the fellow who cuts our lawn and helps with projects around the house who is now sharing with us the challenges of his life. We also stay in touch with doctors, nurses and aids who cared for me over two long illnesses.

Authentic relationships build trust and trust leads to conversation and often disclosure of issues in our lives. Those conversations lead to the opportunity to love, accept, empathize and share the good news of the Gospel. We have found that because these friends know that we have a different kind of relationship with God than they do (a real friendship and relationship) they gravitate to us in times of crisis and ask for prayer which leads to further opportunities to share the good news of Jesus.

Neither of us would consider ourselves to have the gift of evangelism but we have learned to be intentional in developing long term relationships with those who don't know Christ. Those relationships when coupled with prayer are a powerful combination for opportunities to see people come to Christ.

Congregations that see many people come to Christ are intentional in developing and maintaining relationships with unbelievers. And I am talking about authentic relationships here where at whatever level, life rubs off on life. It is not simply about wanting them to find Christ, it is about caring about them as people loved by God. It is that genuine love through relationship, conversation and the work of the Holy Spirit that often brings them into the greatest family we could ever have.

Conflict and problem avoidance create sick churches

A common characteristic of troubled or sick congregations is the trait of problem or conflict avoidance. This aversion to dealing with problems honestly because it may create conflict (and it probably will) creates a dysfunctional congregation because there is no venue for resolving real problems. 

Pretending there are not problems or conflict when there are and refusing to deal with known problems is a crazy maker because the pretense that all is well is believed by those who don't know better, disbelieved by those who know better and confusing for those who don't know what to think which creates mistrust, confusion, lack of clarity, and relational breakdown.

A culture of conflict or problem avoidance starts with the church board who are responsible for ensuring the health of the church. Dysfunctional boards are afraid of dealing with conflict and therefore either avoid the issues altogether, spin issues with the congregation to paint a better picture than is reality, or find excuses for why the problems exist that are not accurate. The bottom line is that they don't want to deal with reality, don't want to be honest with themselves and don't want to disclose to the congregation the whole truth.

The problem is that avoidance does not work. First, when you avoid solving real problems they will resurface in a more virulent way. The root of the problem is not dealt with and like a weed that is not fully pulled out it will simply come back. 

Second, while some people are fooled (above), others are not. They understand that there are problems that are not being disclosed and dealt with or that they are not being given the whole truth and these individuals lose trust in their leaders. Once leaders have lost trust with a segment of the congregation you have the genesis of even more conflict within the congregation. Others who are simply confused, as noted above, become pawns of those who are fooled or are not fooled and you have a recipe for chaos. 


The sad thing is that boards that avoid dealing openly and honestly with problems or conflict become even more dysfunctional themselves because truth, honesty and openness create health while avoidance of these create more dishealth.  It is not only a failure of leadership and cowardice but it is a violation of their Scriptural role to lead well and it contributes to greater dishealth in the congregation as a whole. Sadly, there are boards that do this over and over and over. One of the common symptoms of this are congregations that are plateaued or in decline: it is the inevitable result of poor leadership by boards.

How does one deal with a situation like this? It takes one or two courageous board members who will challenge their board to be honest and to deal with real situations in a healthy way - to refuse to avoid conflict and problems that exist. Or, members of the congregation who sense what is happening and challenge the board to do the same. Hard questions by board members or congregants at least bring the issues to the surface and gives either the board or the congregation the option of dealing with them.


In cases where boards and congregations continue to avoid problems or conflict there is one common response. The best leaders in the congregation as well as those who understand the dynamics quietly migrate out of the church. They are unwilling to stay indefinitely in a dysfunctional church system (which is what this is - like a dysfunctional family) because they know it is not healthy and will not be effective in growing healthy disciples. Nor do they want to bring their friends to a sick church.


Boards and congregations who don't honestly face their issues are in fact sick churches. Sick churches cannot grow healthy disciples. In fact, what they do is to create sick and dysfunctional disciples over time. Those who speak truth or challenge the "system" are often marginalized and find that they don't fit in - it is no different than a sick or dysfunctional family. So either one conforms and joins the system or they leave for a healthier congregation.


There are no easy solutions for sick boards or congregations. The greatest hope comes when they can face the fact that they need help and seek that help from outside their board or congregation - a neutral third party who can speak truth to their situation. But that takes a humility that sick boards often do not have. Usually when faced with truth they circle the wagons to protect themselves and avoid the hard work of honest evaluation and renovation.

The one thing your leader wishes he/she could ask you for

All of us are under authority from a leader and all of us who have a church home have a pastor. It is easy to either take them for granted or to be critical of their foibles but the most strategic thing we can do for them is to pray for them - daily. As their life goes, relationally, spiritually, in their family, marriage and personal walk with God - our lives are impacted in some way.


Think about this: ministry leaders have a big target painted on their backs by the evil one. The greater their impact the larger the target. If he can take out, discourage, distract, divert or otherwise compromise a ministry leader he has impacted all those who that leader leads or influences. Their protection is their own walk with God and the many who are willing to be shield bearers for them by praying for them. I know from my own leadership experience that it has been the prayers of many - especially during near fatal illnesses that preserved my own life. I would not do what I do as a missions leader without the prayers of hundreds who take up shields for me.


There is another reason to pray daily. Ministry leaders are in a lonely job. It is very easy to take shots at leaders (they represent the organization) and many do. Unfortunately the most painful arrows come not from the outside but from the inside. It is easy to be critical and it is painful to be the object of the criticism, anger, or gossip. Healthy leaders do not respond with anger or like attitudes but they have to deal with the pain internally. One of the character traits of leaders is that they are willing to take the pain and carry on but it does not lesson the pain. And while those who are critical can talk to anyone they choose (and often do), leaders cannot. 


If you read the books of first and second Corinthians you see the pain that Paul felt from his critics in that church. If Paul was not exempt (to say nothing of Jesus) other leaders will not be exempt.


But prayer changes the equation. Our prayers bring the comfort, peace, joy and perspective of the One on the throne to our spiritual or ministry leaders in the midst of the challenges they face. It is the greatest gift we can give them. We can literally call down the blessings of heaven on our leaders if we choose to do so. 


And what if we have reason to be unhappy with our pastor or leader? They (we) all have shadow sides, foibles, and dysfunctions. The best thing we can do in that circumstance is to pray for them. We cannot change them, but God can work in their hearts and lives. And, God might just work in our lives regarding our perspective or attitude as well. 


I live in the world of leaders, church and ministry. I can tell you that they deeply covet the prayers of those they lead. They know they, like the rest of us, have feet of clay. They know they are deeply imperfect. They know they are targets of the evil one as well as of disgruntled people who they lead. If they could ask one thing of their constituency it would be: "Please pray daily for me - be a shield bearer for me and take me to the throne of God because it will protect me, change me, encourage me and give me the wisdom I need to lead wisely."


It is the greatest gift we could give our leaders.

Visionary or focused leaders

We often hear the term "visionary leader" in Christian ministry circles. It is used to describe leaders who have expansive vision for their ministry's future. "Visionary leaders" are sometimes like salespeople trying to sell their people on their vision. 

"Visionaries," however, are often unfocused, scattered, have more ideas than the ministry can absorb, are easily distracted by the next great idea and seem by their staff to be going in different directions depending on the day or the next big thing. In other words, they can envision great things but can be low on the scale of focused direction and ministry execution.

I strongly believe that leaders need to be able to envision what can be for their ministry. But, it must be a focused direction with the ability to lead the ministry toward that goal in a disciplined and orderly way without the distractions of the next "big idea" or multiple and confusing focuses. 


Vision without the ability to deliver on the vision is empty vision. It may sound great but like sales hype, if it cannot deliver it is not helpful. What ministries need are leaders who understand how the ministry can maximize its spiritual influence and then help the ministry go there over the long haul. These are the leaders who see their ministries make the most significant difference.

There are three kinds of leaders. The status quo leader who is content with managing ministry as it is without much change or innovation. Then there are confusing leaders who have great vision but are chasing those visions in ways that cause consternation for their staff. Finally, there are focused leaders who have a goal in mind and lead their ministry in a disciplined and focused way toward that goal.

Focused leaders are usually far more effective than what we often call visionary leaders. They know what the goal is and they focus their ministry on that goal with discipline. While they are highly flexible in their strategy, they don't waver in their direction of focus. 

Never Settle!

I turned 55 this year. It is a wonderful and dangerous place to be. Wonderful because I have accumulated a great deal of experience and paid a lot of dumb tax that hopefully I don't have to pay again. I have learned faith the hard way through many tough times. I have stared death in the face twice and it blinked (God was gracious) and have learned first hand His power and sovereignty. Things that were hard in the past are easier. I have a bank account of God's faithfulness that sustains me when facing uncertainty today. 

I know a lot less than I did when I was young but what I know I know with greater certainty. Not needing to know everything is liberating. I have been humbled enough times to be comfortable with an attitude of "nothing to prove, nothing to lose," which frees me to be me. I know that I have a few strengths and everything else are weaknesses - and I am not only OK with that but glad that I can focus on who God made me to be.

Fewer things cause me anxiety or worry. I have learned greater patience and rely more on God's power than I used to. I do less and let Him do more. I focus on fewer things with greater focus. It is a wonderful place to be. 

But also dangerous - because it would be easy to coast on past experience, lessons learned, dumb tax paid, past faith and not press into life with the same passion and energy as the first half. 

Just today I received this prayer from a friend: "Lord, would you make my brother TJ bold for you. Help him not to be satisfied with what you have allowed him to do but rather to look to you for still more opportunities to proclaim the wonders of the gospel. Make him fruitful this day for the Kingdom."

I don't want to settle! I would love to go slower and more wisely, taking full advantage of all I have learned and experienced but I don't want to settle! If anything, I would love to have more impact than I had in the past - in line with the gifting God has graciously given me. So I fight the urge to rest on the past and lose the willingness to risk and press into even greater faith. 

Ironically, I think it is easier to risk when we are young because we don't know all the implications of that risk. As we get older we understand more fully what risk means. Thus it takes more faith as we age to take the risks we once took for granted. And perhaps more intentionality. 

It also takes more humility not to be fooled by success and believe that it is about us. It is not: it is fully about God. Or to think we have accomplished what we have by our wisdom and power. That is why I surround myself with friends who tell me the truth and are also pressing on. 


I don't want to settle. You?

Ten markers of grace filled people and congregatons

There are ten characteristics of congregations that are grace filled. These ten markers set them apart from the vast majority of congregations in the world. All are directed toward other people but come out of hearts that have been radically transformed by the grace of Jesus in their own lives. Congregations that have these markers are like magnets to believers who have never experienced this kind of grace and to spiritual seekers who encounter a new kind of Christian in those who exhibit these Jesus traits. Think about these markers in your life and their power when multiplied throughout a congregation.


Grace filled people assume the best of one another. Every relationship is one assumption away from misunderstanding and misunderstandings create relationship breakage. Usually, however, our assumptions about the intention of the other party are wrong: they did not intend to cause us pain. Assuming the best of others and their actions is a grace thing to do and it prevents unnecessary relational breakage.

When an offense has been committed either by us or against us, grace filled people quickly move to repair the relationship where that is possible. They are quick to forgive and resist holding onto offenses committed.


Grace filled people cultivate generous rather than critical spirits towards others. There is plenty to be critical of others about just as Christ could be deeply critical about us. Like Him we choose to love rather than criticize and cultivate as spirit of acceptance (a critical spirit is really a spirit of non-acceptance). Critical spirits also come from our own pride.

Grace filled people love to extend grace to those who need it and we all do - often. It is grace to forgive, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to love those who have fallen, to accept those who are struggling with sin, addictions or just the consequences of the fall. When hard words need to be said, they are always said in love rather than in condemnation. Their goal is always restoration and health.

Grace filled people are transparent about their own issues, struggles and failures in appropriate settings. They don't pretend that they have it all together (none of us do). They are willing to share their struggles because they are not living with masks or pretense. It takes only one man to share his struggle with porn, to send a message to many others also struggling in secret that there are others like them and it is OK to admit one's need. Transparency is the first step toward growth.


Grace filled people love to pray for others. In grace filled congregations it is a common sight to simple see people in conversation and then being prayed for. Issues of life are quickly lifted up the the throne without embarrassment or apology. Taking people and their situations to the throne of God is valued, practiced and habitual. 


Grace filled people love the unloved, those who live on the margins, those who the rest of society forget or shuttle to the side. This includes the poor and the disabled. Just as Jesus had a radar for the down and out so do grace filled people. They have cultivated the heart of God for all people, not just people like them. This is one of the reasons that grace filled congregations are always involved in the community, meeting needs and sowing love.


Grace filled people love to love on others. Words of encouragement, acts of kindness, help in crisis. They are lovers of people because people matter to God. When opportunities to help others come across their path they do what they can to help, to love and encourage.


Grace filled people speak with kind, encouraging and loving words. Words that lift, words that encourage, words that build up, words that quiet anger. People leave their presence with a greater sense of their worth and knowing that they are loved. 

Grace filled people always point people toward the source of all grace - Jesus. They are not content to be people of grace but want others to know the source of that grace. They love to introduce others to the the One from whom all grace flows, Jesus.

I wish for this kind of grace in my life and I wish for this kind of grace in my church - and in all churches.

Our blessing of others is an indication of a kingdom heart

Those with kingdom hearts do not simply focus on their church or their ministry but they intentionally bless the ministries of others. I love the concept of local churches who weekly and publicly pray for other churches in the community. In doing so, they are not only calling down God's blessing on those other churches but sending a message to their congregation that "we as Christ followers are in this together" and that God's work is greater than our local work.

The same could be said for missions who pray for other missions and ministries who choose to pray for their fellow ministries. In fact, praying for like minded ministries is the first step in moving from competition to cooperation.

There is a group of churches in Gurnee, Illinois who have banded together across denominational lines to intentionally bring the gospel to every home in Gurnee in a relevant way. That did not start with some grand scheme for evangelism. It started as kingdom minded pastors gathered over the course of a number of years and developed relationships with one another, prayed with and for one another and for their community. As their hearts were knit together through prayer, their hearts were expanded beyond their own provincial interests to the broader Kingdom and Jesus interests of all people in Gurnee being introduced to the Gospel.

Provincialism - thinking only about ourselves and focusing only on building our ministry fosters competition. It also fosters pride in what we do and how we do it rather than a humble acknowledgement that we are but one of many ministries that contribute to the enlargement of His kingdom. We want a mindset that appreciates our part in God's work but also appreciates that we are but one ministry committed to accomplishing his purposes.

For instance, ministries that focus on themselves rarely cooperate with other ministries. This is true of mission agencies and local churches. If an idea is not their idea, they will rarely use it. And so we duplicate resources and energy rather than leveraging ourselves together for the sake of the Gospel.

Kingdom hearts start at two levels. First, it starts at the level of prayer where we pray for others as we pray for ourselves. And second, the level of relationship where we get to know each other, and through relationship start to appreciate one another and the value that our ministries bring to the table. We also begin to trust one another. As God knits our hearts together we find ways to bless one another and ways to cooperate with one another.

Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition

If the discourse on CNN, Fox, or CNBC are any indication, the level of dialogue, conversation and discussion in our world has continued to sink to new lows. Even among God's people, there is often a great deal of carelessness in what we say and how we say it. Yet, Jesus was clear that what comes out of our mouths reflects the contents of our hearts and our words for better or for worse reflect our followership of Jesus.

Scripture would encourage us to reclaim wise, considered and honoring speech. Solomon wisely wrote, "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few (Ecclesiastes 5:1-3)." Or as David wrote, "May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer (Psalm 19:13-14)." 


Words matter. Words either lift the reputation of Jesus or bring it down. Words encourage or discourage. Words heal or wound. Words either take into consideration God's point of view on issues or merely ours. Words are powerful and can cause pain for a lifetime or healing from a lifetime of pain. Words reflect the life giving of Jesus or the life taking of the evil one. Careless words hurt while considered words bring life. Words matter.  Every sentence we speak is an expression of our inner spiritual condition.


Here are some biblical principles regarding our words, speech and conversation.

• Coarse and vulgar language does not honor God.
• The wise listen, evaluate and consider before talking. It is considered rather than careless speech.
• When needing to speak truth we do so in love, humility and with words that bring people toward us rather than push them away.
• Gossip, slander and second hand information are rigorously avoided.
• Our conversation should build others up and encourage them in their life and faith.
• Our words are either life giving or life taking: the first reflects Jesus and the second reflects the evil one (John 10:10).
• Our opinions (words) should be reflective of what we understand God would have to say about any given situation.
• Our words either bring people nearer to God or push them further away. Our words either lift ourselves up or lift God up.
• We will account for all the words we speak in our lifetimes so we ought to speak with eternity in mind.

Never underestimate the power of our words for good or evil. How many of us remember words spoken to us that have hurt for a lifetime - and words of healing that have been deeply healing. Because so much of our life involves, words, speaking, conversation and dialogue, much of our life is defined by the words we speak. Much of our impact on others is defined by the words we speak in their presence. Most of all they reflect the contents of our hearts and minds. 

Leaders set the standard of discourse in their organization as parents do in the home. In all conversations each of us sets the tone by how we choose to communicate. Our words have great influence over others. 


May we be Jesus with our words and speech!

Three questions for every church leader

There are three questions church leaders should ask on a periodic basis. First, Can you describe in a concise fashion what success looks like for your ministry? I am talking thirty seconds or less, specific and shared by all leaders. 

Second, can you defend that definition from Scripture? In other words is it a New Testament definition of success or is it a cultural definition of success - there is a difference.

Third, How are you doing against your description of success - honestly! What if anything do you need to do differently.

Three questions, huge implications.

Teaching our children and grandchildren how to think

The art of thinking critically is being lost in the west at an amazing rate. The spirit of relativism, television, the loss of reading, popular culture all conspire to rob our kids and grand kids of the most important skill they could every acquire, the ability to think, to reason, to work through a problem logically and come to a logical conclusion. We cannot change the world in which our kids and grand kids live but we can give them the gift of helping them to think well.


With our two boys the forum for thinking was often our dinner table. Anything was fair game from politics, to church, to work issues to current events or the drama at school. In those conversations we would often ask questions to draw out their thinking. The boys would challenge us and one another and we them. It was a wonderful conversational free for all that put ideas on the table and didn't separate adult conversation from kids conversation. Often the conversation was alternatively serious and then very funny. 


Kids love to talk, play with ideas and express themselves. The simple act of dialogue where there is a back and fourth with lots of questions that help them clarify their thinking, reasoning and conclusions is a gift that will stick with them for a lifetime. In the process they learn critical thinking skills that help them separate current sophistry from truth.


In fact, helping kids understand that there is truth, that there are absolutes that we can count on is huge today because the relativism they grow up with in school is "you have your truth, I have my truth and both are true" (a non sequitur if there ever was one: But wait, that is logic!).  That kind of garbage thinking is raising a whole generation of kids to believe that anything and everything can be true simply because one believes it. As the British would say, that is pure, unadulterated rubbish! The shallowness of our political dialogue today is testimony to the fact that politicians count on the fact that people don't think. So much of what is said is pure rubbish but taken as fact.


All of this means taking time with our kids and grand kids. Their ability to think well impacts their faith, their personal lives and their vocations. It separates those who get their truth from Oprah and Chopra and those who understand real truth from Scripture. The ability to reason, to work through an issue logically and be able to defend it with real facts is a dying but necessary skill to successfully negotiate life and faith. Make that investment in the next generation and you will have given them a great gift.

Church bullies

Many of my most read blogs have to do with relationships within the church and behaviors that are problematic, toxic and which actually destroy the very ministry results that we long to see.  Recently, as a result of one of these blogs I received the following two questions from one of my readers who is on staff in a local church and close enough to the inner workings of the church to know what is happening. Here are his questions:

"What I do not understand is why pastors feel that they need to allow an individual to be repeatedly belligerent to them? Repeatedly derogatory, accusatory, disrespectful, etc.?  Repeatedly approach as a bully?

Unfortunately, I have also seen the belligerent person be the local ministry head who is "attacking" the other members of the staff on a consistent, random basis as to who is the scapegoat for the day.  In this situation it is not a pastor who is doing the attacking but a manager in a Christian ministry."

Let's take the first question first. Here a pastor is mistreated by  an individual in the church, someone whose actions are that of a "bully" but is not able to say "You cannot treat me this way." Why do pastors put up with behaviors which would never be acceptable in a healthy secular workplace?

Having been in those shoes I believe that one of the primary reason pastors don't put their foot down is that they don't believe that they will be backed up by their board if they do so. Pastors should be able to say to a bully, "Joe, you cannot treat me like this and if it happens again, we will have no further conversations without a board member present and I will share with the board what is happening in our conversations. While you are entitled to your opinions, you cannot pressure me with them nor can you treat me in a disrespectful manner. I don't treat you that way, I don't speak to you that way and it is unacceptable in God's church for you to do that with me. So we will never have another conversation like this without it going to the board and without a third person present." 

In order for a pastor to be that defining he needs to know that his board will back him up - completely. Unfortunately, weak boards are often cowards when dealing with bullies in the church. They are afraid of them and often will not confront them. That is why church bullies (often former leaders) get away with unconscionable behavior that is toxic to the church as a whole. And, why pastors are often helpless to deal with the behavior. If the board will not back them up, they will eventually give up or choose to leave. Usually the bully knows that the board will not choose to confront them and sometimes is on the board.

Here is the thing about church bullies. When confronted they usually run because they hate accountability. Boards need to agree that there are certain behaviors that are illegal in the church - they violate Scripture. Read Ephesians on relationships or 1 and 2 Timothy on dealing with contentious behaviors. One of the responsibilities of leaders is to protect the flock from divisive behavior and that is exactly what this is. Boards that allow such behavior and don't protect the pastor from bullies ought to resign and let someone who will lead. It is that simple. Often, because boards will not act, good pastors simply choose to leave and the scenario plays itself out over and over and over.  I know a church well that has played this scenario over for over 30 years now.

If I were a pastor today I would confront such behavior as suggested above and if my board chose not to support me in this I would resign. No pastor can be successful in a situation where toxic behavior is not addressed. Churches get what they deserve in terms of leadership. Good leadership brings good ministry. Poor leadership brings poor results. 

If the board is willing to support the pastor against toxic behavior but the pastor cannot confront a bully, the board needs to step in when they hear about it and deal with it for him. One of their roles is to protect the pastor. But in the end, it is the board that either allows bullies to operate or not. By the way, bullies are often perceived as "influential" in the church which is why boards will not deal with them. In the church, one does what is right whether the offender is influential or not. You deal with it biblically (Matthew 18) but leaders must deal with it and will answer to the Lord of the Church for how they do or do not handle it (2 Peter 5).

The second question suggests that the bully is a manager of a ministry. In my world, this individual would be dealt with very quickly and we would let him/her know in no uncertain terms that this behavior is unacceptable and incompatible with who we are as a ministry. Remember that behaviors we accept among staff, leaders or pastors are seen as normative in the church. In allowing toxic behavior to exist at that level, you are condoning toxic behavior at the congregational level. Again, I would suggest a failure of leadership for this behavior by a manager of a ministry to be tolerated by staff and board. 

Sometimes, by the way it is the senior pastor who is a bully, who has an agenda that is his and forces the board to accept that agenda. This is equally unhealthy and unacceptable as leadership in the church is a shared leadership of godly individuals. No one individual should have the power to force others to do their personal will. Healthy boards insist that the directional decisions of the church are corporate decisions, not just that of the senior pastor. Weak boards accede to pressure whether from a pastor or other bully in the church. In either case, it is toxic, unhealthy and wrong.

If you look at the "popular blog listing" on my blog site it lists the top ten blogs in the past thirty days. At any time, many of these have to do with dysfunctional relationships in the church. The problem is ubiquitous and boards have a lot to do with the problem. I predict this blog will end up on that list quickly because there are many bullies who are given free reign in many churches. It is time to call a halt to behaviors that diminish the name of Jesus in the very institution that is designed to lift His name high. If you have such a problem please, in the name of Jesus, deal with it. It is His reputation that is on the line.

For more help on this and related issues, pick up a copy of my book, High Impact Church Boards in paperback or on Kindle. It deals with the real life issues churches face.