Dysfunctional families of origin

At fifty five, I realize that I still am deeply impacted by my family of origin (what ever happened to growing up?). Our formative years are just that - formative and they stay with us forever. Some of us are more fortunate than others in our families of origin. Some bear great scars that still feel raw to this day. And, none of us grew up in a perfect family and my own children will deal with dysfunctions that I was responsible for. However,  there are three questions that I believe can help us see our lives in perspective.


One: What can I thank God for relative to my family of origin? Who we are today is in large part the result of our early years. My understanding of Scripture came from terribly early morning devotions, but those devotions informed my view of Scripture and of God. My love of people from all over the world came from the cross cultural experience I had growing up in Hong Kong and the amazing hospitality which my parents exhibited in welcoming all to our home. If I made a list (and it is a good idea) of the may blessings I experienced from my family of origin it would be long. 


Two: What do I need to forgive my parents for? No parents are perfect and their understanding of parenting is a factor of their generation, their spiritual place and their situation in life. I am the first to admit that my kids, Jon and Chip will need to forgive me for parenting mistakes, perhaps that I am not even aware of. Our own parenting skills are a mix of what we saw that we appreciated and what we experienced that was painful. At some point we need to forgive our parents for the painful just as our children will need to forgive us for the same. Ironically we are best suited to raise kids when our grand kids come along.


Forgiveness for the failing of our parents is critical to our own freedom and reflects our own humble evaluation of our own parenting. All of us are in need of God's grace and the grace of others. No parents did it all right. The sooner we forgive, the sooner we are able to deal with the scars we gained early in life.


Three: How do we see God's hand in our personal history? Our upbringing is a mixture of good and bad, happy and sad, levels of family dysfunction and for some, very deep wounds. However, it is an amazing thing to consider how God got us from there to here? How we can see His invisible hand in our personal history to mold us into who we have become and how he presently uses us. Only God has the ability to use both the good and bad of our past and redeem it for His perfect purposes in our present. Only He can change our human scars into divine scars usable by Him.


Ultimately we are not who we are primarily because of our parents but because of the faithfulness of God through our history. Think deeply how God has been present in your history, in your childhood, in all of the events of your life, bringing you to your present place and you will be encouraged. Whether we have much to be thankful for in our upbringing or the need to forgive much that was painful and hurting, the one constant is always the presence of a loving father who brings us to where we are today, redeeming the pain and using all of who we are to impact our world today. Whatever our experiences, God was there in their midst and the proof of that is where He has you today.


I am a far more humble parent than I was when my first son was born. I realize more clearly than ever my own brokenness and that realization helps me forgive the hurts from my own childhood. I hope my children do better than me but know that they deal with their own brokenness and in the end it is the grace and love of Jesus that makes the difference for all of us.

Seven practices of leader learners

The task of leading becomes ever more challenging given the forces and pace of change. In addition, our busyness as leaders gets in the way of our ability to process, think and reflect on the key issues our organizations face now and in the future. There are, however, seven practices of leader learners that can change the very nature of our leadership. I use the term leader learners deliberately. Not all leaders are learners and not all learners are leaders but leaders who are also learners have a powerful combination.

1. Read widely. Anyone looking at my library would say that it is eclectic: biographies, science, psychology, theology, fiction, classics and the new. Wide reading expands our minds to think bigger thoughts, to prompt new ideas and to give us a rich knowledge base from which to draw life, leadership and practical skills. Reading beyond our expertise area is particularly enriching.

2. Ask questions. We are surrounded by people who do interesting things. Regardless of their occupation or expertise, asking a lot of questions expands our own thinking. What is their strategy, what informs their decisions, why did they do what they did, what is the biggest dumb tax they have paid and what are they learning presently? Learn from others.

3. Think deeply. A friend tells me the story of Bill Gates at a resort in Hawaii where he just sat, rocking back and forth for most of a day - thinking. Thinking deeply is a lost art because we have far too many distractions that vie for our attention. Taking the time to think deeply over issues that matter yields insights that are had no other way.

4. Think differently. Common wisdom is very common and often not wisdom. Question everything! Why do we do what we do the way we do it? Are their "game changers" that would take us to a whole new level rather than a small tweak? Look for contrarian thinkers who give you advice that you might not even agree with but which causes you to consider. Innovators are people who are always asking the why question. They can be irritating but they are also the people who leapfrog others because they think differently.

5. Hang with innovators and creative folks. I am not the most creative guy in the world but I know a lot of people who are and the more time I spend with them the more creatively I think. I especially love time with young creative leaders who see life through a different lens than I do at 55. I need them to stay young!

6. Pray for wisdom and insight. They Holy Spirit has intelligence about what we do that we don't! Ask Him for insight and wisdom and expect that He will talk back. I am convinced that the best ideas I have had did not come from me but came from Him. Ask and you shall receive!

7. Whiteboard monthly. Take just one big rock a month, get the right people into a room and have a whiteboard session around that issue. You will be surprised what the combined intelligence will yield compared to you alone. So simple, but it takes time. I rarely tackle an issue alone. I want the multiplication factor of bright folks and their combined intelligence for the best solution.

The common denominator of these seven practices is time and intentionality. Of course that is what it takes to be a leader learner.

Are you beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists?

Eric Hoffer puts his finger on a critical truth when the world in which we live is in significant change.  “In times of change, learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.” 

One of the central jobs of a leader is not to specialize in what is today but to anticipate what will be tomorrow. It is to live in the present and the future at the same time knowing that the present will soon be history and the future will soon be today.

Take the US Postal Service which is hemorrhaging red ink as people send far fewer letters. The day the first fax was sent was the day that the Postal Service became obsolete. But no one noticed. Today they are begging junk mailers to send more stuff because the rest of us are using email. They are beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.

Or think of the evangelism strategies of most local churches which assume that people who don't know Christ will come to our church and find Him through some program. For the most part that world no longer exists but the church has not yet noticed. While we are beautifully equipped to put on programs that share the gospel at church the people we want to reach are less and less likely to come to church! The future is going to where people are who need Jesus, not expecting them to come to us - but the church continues to be blissfully unaware that it is bringing the gospel to every sector of life and work that is the key to evangelism.

The most beautifully equipped institutions to deal with a world that no longer exists are seminaries who continue to sell us on the idea that one cannot minister effectively without their education which entails sitting at the feet of the professors for four years. In the meantime many of the most effective workers today are being raised up in the context of ministry, are getting their education on the job and are not infected with the traditional ministry paradigms that still drive the church world. But try to get ordained in most denominations without a seminary education! We have professionalized ministry but the future is the releasing of people into ministry who are called, creative and equipped but not necessary in traditional ways. It almost sounds like the New Testament church!

I work in the world of missions where the whitewater of change is huge. As a group, western missions are beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists. Today it belongs to those who are equippers of indigenous workers, rather than those who are still doing what nationals could be doing better than they. 

If you lead anything, one needs to be living in the present and the future simultaneously or run the real risk of becoming museum pieces beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists. Learners inherit the earth. Learners are those who are paying close attention to the changing environment and are adapting to that change. Learners know that the status quo is not static for long and that tomorrows realities will be different than today's. There are plenty of people who are beautifully equipped to deal with today's realities. Leaders are learners who are equipped to anticipate the needs of tomorrow which will be today all too soon.

A story stranger than fiction

No story is better known. No story better captures the heart of a child - small or grown - than the one we celebrate today. No matter how many times we hear the story it never grows old, it never disappoints, never ceases to evoke deep emotions of wonder, awe and comfort. An angel’s proclamation to illiterate shepherds, a teenage unwed mother, a loyal carpenter fiancee, the evil king Herod, a cold, clear, Bethlehem night without a place to stay. A messy birth in an animal’s stall, alongside a dirty alley in the dark of night. Confused cows watching unknowing as the Son of the universe stares back unknowing at the very animals He had created eons before. A mother, a child, a carpenter, a few agitated animals and the pungent smell of manure.



This is a story so absurd that it could only have been scripted by a Divine hand. No other writer would have attempted such a script. If they had they would not have claimed it to be true: fiction maybe, but not reality. This is not how the One whose voice had echoed off of a billion galaxies would make His entrance. Without CNN and Fox News, into a hovel known affectionately today as Bethlehem but then nothing more than a tiny village on the path to Jerusalem. 

His entrance was marked not by a proclamation to kings but to astonished herdsmen sleeping with sheep. The heavens opened with ten thousand voices – not over Jerusalem the ancient capital – but over a tiny grazing field for a handful of insignificant shepherds. They would be the only witnesses of the grand entrance of a King. No other writer would have written such a script. 

No other author would have taken such a chance. For behind this story there are echoes of another story - equally incredulous. Centuries before in the vastness of eternity past – when infinity kissed infinity, The Master of Infinity spoke into being the universe in which we live - 3,000 of whose stars are visible to the careful eye, 30 billion visible from a large telescope, - the other 90% of the universe still hidden from our eyes. Its splendor an eternal testimony to the Author of the story.

Immortal, invisible, God only wise,
In light inaccessible hid from our eyes,
Most blessed, most glorious, the Ancient of Days,
Almighty, victorious, Thy great name we praise.


Great Father of glory, pure Father of light,
Thine angels adore thee, all veiling their sight;
All praise we would render: O help us to see
Tis only the splendor of light hideth Thee.
(Walter Chalmers Smith)


The Author’s heart was restless still, lonely in His perfection. A heart full of love is not easily satisfied. Transcendent goodness longed to give away infinite love. Again the Author spoke: A planet was expertly crafted. One among billions. A people wonderfully created – in the image of the Author. Free to love, free to experience the infinite goodness of the Author. Free to revel in His infinite Love. But above all free. Love cannot be forced and remain love.


We are not the sole owners of broken hearts. No heart suffered such sorrow as Infinite Love rejected. Image bearers rejected the Image Maker. The story’s characters fired the Author to write their own script. Unmatched, searing pain pierced the Author’s heart as the loved jilted the Lover. 


Chaos infiltrated beauty. A planet was hijacked and spun out of control. Poverty of spirit supplanted endless joy. Unfulfilled hearts realized the pain of lost love. Without the Author, individual story lines faltered – and failed. Sadness reigned. Darkness descended in seeming endless gloom.

Truth can be stranger than fiction. For in the pained heavens the grieving Author plotted love’s revenge. An awesome revenge that only Divinity could contrive – that only Divinity would contrive. Having lost His loved, the Lover would send His most loved to reclaim His heart’s desire. The rejected Creator would kiss the unfaithful created. Tender mercy in place of deserved destruction. An astonished heaven broke into unbelieving applause. Image bearers would be reclaimed by the Image Maker. Light would once again prevail over darkness. Brokenness would be made whole. Peace would triumph over chaos.

All was silent in the heavens on the chosen night. Angels held their corporate breath. For nine months the Son had been absent, resident in a young girls womb, coming to us not as a king but incognito, just one of thousands of children that would be born on a lonely planet that night – into the darkness that our word had become. Placenta covered the Son of the universe arriving to claim back His beloved: this time, one by one, heart by heart. Tender mercy arriving in disguise: one of us, one like us. On that night, the Author personally entered our story. 

Such humility our world has never known. A stunning reversal for a world gone astray. A Heart full of love is not easily satisfied. Transcendent goodness longing to give away infinite love, arriving under cover of night in order to “shine on those living in darkness…to guide our feet into the path of peace.” (Luke 1:27).

When an author writes, each character is unique; each has his or her own storyline. We, each have a story – unique, unrepeated, singular. Each story has its own joy, its own pain, its own pathos and unmatched quality. But each shares one singular, astonishing feature. We are made in the Author’s image, and He will not rest until we have invited Him to join in our story. 

More astonishing than the script He has authored, the story we celebrate today is that He also wants to enter into your story. This is the most ancient of stories but it is also the most contemporary of stories. The Christmas story is but one chapter in the Author’s divine script. The Author is still writing. And every person who invites Him into their story becomes a separate and unique chapter in His unfinished book. And into each story He brings His light and peace. 

“For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” (John 3:16-17.)


Have you invited Him into your story?

Take time to pray for evangelistic services taking place around our globe today

Today and tomorrow across all the time zones on our planet, outreach efforts will be taking place to share the message of Christmas and the incarnation. Because Christmas is a unique holiday there is a great deal of interest around it even among those who know little or nothing about Jesus or the gospel.


Just this week, at just one event in Shillong, India, 60 inmates of a local jail gave their lives to Jesus as the Christmas story was told. Multiply that across our globe and the harvest will be great.


Pray for indigenous workers everywhere who will be sharing the story of Christ, often with little or no resources but with hearts full of love for their people. Pray for receptive hearts among those whose lives need the hope of the Gospel and the light of a relationship with Christ. Pray for the persecuted church who are often targeted at Christmas since it is so important to Christians and they are gathered together. 


Isaiah writes "The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned...For to us a child is born, to us a son is given and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end (Isaiah 9:2-7)."


Pray that once again, many walking in darkness will see a light, the light of the incarnation and that His kingdom would expand this Christmas eve and Christmas day.

Dear Dad

We often do not realize that of the seven billion people on our planet,  one billion of us are impacted by disabilities, either personally or in our families. How we love, include, treat, care for and honor those with disabilities is a huge indicator of our understanding of the Gospel. All people are made in God's image, all are equally important to Him and all have an equal purpose in His plan. We acknowledge those truths by treating those with disabilities as Jesus did and loving them as Jesus did.


Longtime friends of ours, Barb and Tim are living with the realities of Tim's struggle with ALS. She is a great writer and this recent blog of hers caught my eye because it captures the heart that all of us ought to have in caring for those with disabilities. It is a heart of love and thanks in the midst of tough realities.

Dear Dad~

I miss you so much just now. It's been more than 10 years since you've gone to see Jesus. I certainly do wish there were times when I could still talk to you. Especially now.

When you were here on earth with me, we never took the time to talk about your handicap. You never told me what it was like to go through having a major stroke. You never told me what it was like when all of a sudden half of your body refused to work anymore. You never told me what it was like to try parenting your kids after such a tragic event. I am finding myself in a place where I sure could use your advice on those things!

For all these years, I've always thought God put me in my place in our family for a couple different reasons. First, I thought I was there to be your incentive to get better. After all, I was only two years old when you suffered your stroke. You had to get better in order to take care of me and to play with me, your baby girl. (A little self-centered purpose, I suppose.)

I have also come to think of my place in our family as God's protection of sorts. Knowing how much everyone else in the family kind of fell apart after your stroke, I have, again selfishly, thought God placed me so late after Kris so that I would be spared that pain. I was so much younger that I wasn't even aware really of what was happening in our family. I was not pulled into the whirlwind of chaos that they were sucked into.

So as I grew up, everything after your stroke was normal to me. To all my sisters and brothers, everything had dramatically changed. There was a "before" and an "after". But not for me. It was normal to see you limp as you walked. It was normal that your left arm was always in a sling. It was normal to watch Mom comb your hair and clip your fingernails. It was normal to have someone cut your meat for you. I never thought twice about any of those things.

But, Dad, I have realized that though my first thoughts are still correct, I must now add another reason for my place in our family. God put me in our family, growing up with handicap as normal so that now I am just reverting back to my "normal" to comb Tim's hair, to clip his nails, to feed him his lunch, to help him dress and undress. It was God's way of preparing me for what's happening right now.

And I also need to add to the long list of things you taught me: You taught me how to help people in a way that is compassionate and preserves their dignity. It really is no big deal for me to help Tim on a daily basis - and it is thanks to you for that. Growing up around a handicap that seemed normal was one of your biggest gifts to me. Thanks for not talking about it. That kept it just a normal part of my daily life.

And can you thank our Father in heaven for me too? Not only did he place me in our family to help you recover from your stroke and to protect me from the aftermath of that stroke, I have just realized that he placed me in our family to prepare me for the journey I am walking right now. It's truly amazing how something so tragic so long ago can be used in such a powerful way almost 40 years later! He really is an amazing God that way.

I am envious that Tim will join you so much sooner than I will. Be sure to show him the best fishing spots you've found so far. It wouldn't surprise me if you have already met Tim's grandpa and you're planning your first fishing trip together for when he joins you! I miss you so much, but am happy that you are hanging with Jesus!

Love you,

Your little girl

If you would like to follow this couples journey, you may do so at Life Stitches. I honor those like Barb and Tim who walk the path of suffering with dignity and faith.

What can we learn from the incarnation?

We love the story of the incarnation and few stories have been told more ways in more places with more people. I never tire of it for it is a story of hope that is renewed every time it is retold - the Creator becoming one of the created so that the created could once again know the Creator! Here, Hope trumps all the darkness of our world in the person of Jesus.


Here is the question for us to ponder: what do we learn from the incarnation, the invasion of our world by a loving God, that can inform our lives and our interactions with others? 


When the Apostle John writes, "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us (John 1:14)," he captures the heart of incarnation: God in Jesus came to live with us, entering into our flesh, subject to the frailties of the human condition including sadness, pain, joys, betrayal, illness and even death. 


In coming to live with us, Jesus left the comfort of heaven for the realities of a fallen earth. We follow the example of Jesus whenever we enter into the lives of others to bring love, hope, help and Him. We follow His example when we leave our comfort zones for the sake of others, being willing to get into the mess of the lives of others (as Jesus did with us), willing to suffer the inconveniences and even the pain of others. We follow His example when we "give ourselves away" to those who need a friend, some grace, unconditional love and acceptance. 


The joy of what Jesus has done for us is heightened when we become Jesus to others. Every time we do, we live out the blessing of the incarnation. We received it. Lets give it away.

Jesus: the intersection of grace and truth

If someone were to describe you what would they say? How would you like the job of describing Jesus? How does one even begin to comprehend Him?

The Apostle John, described the incarnation and the incarnate One this way. "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth (John 1:14)."

The One and Only, from the Father - full of grace and truth. The emissary of the unseen God bringing the two things that the world, and each of us, need most: grace and truth.

Truth is in short supply on our globe. The perfect world created by God was hijacked by Satan and his minions and the loss of truth was one of the consequences of the fall. In its place, Satan and fallen mankind manufactured versions of truth that suited them: False gods that promise everything but cannot deliver anything, but even more ironic, gods that leave us emptier than before. Everyone is chasing some version of "truth" but Jesus came with the Truth about God, man, sin, salvation and how to find fullness of life. Jesus brought truth and Jesus is truth! Want to know truth? Get to know Jesus!

The truth deficit brought about by the fall brought with it all the brokenness that we face personally and corporately in our world. And then comes Jesus, full of grace! All of the unfathomable grace of God in Jesus. Grace to cover the brokenness of tax collectors, prostitutes, the sick and lame, the rich and poor - you and me. Forgiveness with restoration. Grace that we can share with others as the grace of Jesus overflows from our lives.

Jesus is the perfect intersection of grace and truth - and therefore our deepest needs. Neither is complete without the other. Together, they change the trajectory of our lives forever. As you think about the incarnation, think grace and truth. Celebrate these two gifts of the Father to us.

Who threatens us and who are we envious of?

Two interesting questions to ponder. Who are we threatened by and who are we envious of? The answers to both reveal a great deal about us, our hearts and our insecurities.


Usually we are threatened by someone who we perceive to have more influence and power than we do. Thus the pastor who resents a strong layman in the congregation who others look up to. Or a former leader in a church whose influence has waned and is threatened by other strong leaders who have emerged. Those in the secular workplace know all too well the subtle power struggles that take place as people jockey for influence and power - against others who are a threat to their influence and power. Even the closest disciples of Jesus were not immune to these petty jealousies.


Another way of framing the question is "Who am I envious of?" Usually we are envious of those who see more "success" than we do, by whatever measure we are using, and those who have more perceived favor and status in the eyes of others.


Those who we are threatened by or envious of are important to us. Not because of who they are but because of what they reveal about the state of our hearts, motivations and drive. In short, they reveal deficiencies in our hearts and psyche! They reveal an incompleteness in us that must be made up for by competing with others and often hurting others in order to build ourselves up. For the only way to trump those who threaten us or we are envious of is to outdo them - to demean them in order to elevate us!


And here is the heart of the matter. This is all about us! It is not about our calling or humbly serving where God has us. It is about pride and personal elevation which inevitably means someone else suffers at our expense. The Apostle Paul never played this game and he never competed with those who competed with him. In fact, he ignored those who he called "super apostles" who were jockeying for power and influence and he simply stayed the course of the ministry God had called him to which was harder, more costly with fewer accolades of others but played to an audience of One. He knew that at the end of the day, it was God's evaluation of his life that counted, not the evaluation of others.


Pay attention to those you are threatened by or envious of. The message is not about them but about us!

Leadership waste in the church

OK, let's talk about an elephant in the church! I often hear pastors say that they need to train leaders and I often scratch my head because most pastors are not great leaders. That does not mean that they don't lead because by definition their job is one of leadership. But often the best leaders in the congregation are not pastors but men and women in the church whose gifting and jobs are leadership in the secular arena. But because they are not trained pastors, somehow, they don't qualify to lead in the church.

The greatest waste of leadership capital ever is found in the local church where leaders are not released to use their leadership gifts by pastors who are threatened by those who have stronger leadership gifts than themselves. 

I often talk to leaders who feel disenfranchised in their own church and who leave those churches for a place where their gifts are desired and used. And I think, what a waste! It is a loss for them, for the congregation and most of all for the kingdom. And I have to believe that Jesus cares a lot since He is the Lord of the Church and gave the leadership gifts!


Because of our mission, there should be no place where collaboration is more common than in the local church. Not competition but collaboration for the sake of the expansion of the gospel. This kind of collaboration, however requires pastoral staff who are not threatened by strong leaders in the congregation. In fact, rather than being threatened, they see that leadership capital as a bank of opportunity that can be tapped for greater ministry results. Rather than fearing strong leaders they embrace them and mobilize them for ministry impact.

I believe that God will hold Christian leaders accountable for the extent to which they empower all of God's people to use their ministry gifts in the church. That includes leadership gifts. I know many wonderful leaders who are not invited to use their leadership gifts in ministry because of the fear of ministry leaders who see other leaders as a threat to them.

Lets be real. We all have fears and we are all vulnerable to insecurities. But we must always remember that ministry is not about us but about the people of God being released for maximum ministry impact. Pastors may be insecure about their leadership acumen. Lay leaders may be insecure about their theological acumen. Together, however, they make a powerful combination. 

A better you, courtesy of the Holy Spirit

Most of us would like a better version of us. I grow tired of my impatience with others knowing how patient God is with me. I desire a deeper joy, knowing that God has given me so much. I wish to eradicate unkindness from my vocabulary and attitudes having experienced the kindness of Jesus on a daily basis. I want harshness in any form to give way to gentleness and my tendency to act in ways that hurt myself or others to give way to self control. And, for peace to reign in my heart regardless of my circumstances. Yes, I want a better version of me. 


For Christ followers, that better us is not only possible and within reach, it is the direct gift and work of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)." These qualities that make for a better us are a direct derivative of our relationship with Jesus. As we focus on our relationship with Him, this fruit is a natural result in our lives. When I say I want to be a gentler, kinder, version of me, what I am really longing for is more of the Holy Spirit in my life. 


What is interesting about the Spirit's fruit is that it is the opposite of  our natural self which is self centered and selfish. These qualities which come directly from God to us are other centric and directly mirror the graciousness that God has for us - undeserved as it is. In fact, the best way to understand what these qualities look like in real life is to read the Gospels and meditate on the life of Jesus. My greatest desire would be that people look at me and say, "He is like Jesus." That, by the way is the Holy Spirit's plan for our lives as well. Thus He shares His character with us.


We can be proactive in this process. Paul reminds us that "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other (Galatians 5:24-26)." The more we walk with the Spirit, the more of His character becomes our character. The old swapped for the new!


The greatest gifts we could give one another this Christmas, and every day, are the fruit of the Spirit in our words, actions, interactions and attitudes. In doing so, we become Jesus to one another and give what all of us desperately need. In the process, we become a better version of us, courtesy of the Holy Spirit.

Abuse in the church - when the bully is the pastor

As I watch the news of Penn State and Syracuse the thought that keeps running through my mind is "why did otherwise reasonable people either ignore, give a pass or not confront behaviors which it now seems were egregiousness and serious? There are probably several reasons: the perpetrators had power; people didn't want to assume that these upstanding citizens could be doing these things, and a simple failure of courage! 

Let's take that same question and apply it to the church! Why do pastors get away with behaviors that would otherwise be forbidden  even in the secular workplace? Here are some of the behaviors I have observed over the past 20 years of consulting with local churches and I am talking about evangelical churches here.

• Pastors whose insecurities cause them to divide people into two camps. Those who agree with them and are therefor their friends and those who disagree with them and are therefore their enemies. Enemies are ignored, shunted to the side and marginalized. How does that square with loving the flock?
• Pastors who use threats to get their way. Threats as blatant as "I could fire you if you don't do this" or "I will resign if you push me on this." "I don't care if I get zero votes on a confidence vote, I am not leaving and will take the church down with me if I have to."
• Pastors who use inappropriate sexual language or touch and even flirting with the opposite sex in both public places and private situations (counseling).
• Pastors who are intimidated by other strong leaders (who are seen as a threat to their leadership) and make it hard for them to serve in the church.
• Pastors who are unaccountable with their time. When they are away from the church, no staff members has any idea as to where they are or how to reach them.
• Pastors who will not allow their boards to speak into their lives, specific situations that have occurred, conduct executive sessions of the board or give them an annual review. This sends a loud message, "I don't have to be accountable to you."
• Pastors who hire staff without due diligence, don't mentor or coach them on a regular basis and fire them if they become a threat to them or don't perform to their standards. This is a user mentality toward people.
• Pastors who leave their church angry, deliberately dividing the congregation on their way out.
• Pastors who triangulate relationships to form alliances against others whether other staff members, board members or congregants. Not only wrong but a sign of poor emotional intelligence.
• Pastors who will take credit for any advance and find scapegoats for any failure.
• Pastors who use their "God given authority" to lead as they see fit. After all they are "God's anointed." Again, this ignores accountability and shared leadership.
• Pastors who speak ill of board members or congregants even as they become angry if they hear of either group criticizing them. 

Fortunately, the vast majority of pastors I work with are wonderful individuals who are deeply committed Christ followers and models of Christian leadership. But when I see behaviors that are out of the pale and ignored, as they were with Penn State and Syracuse, I have to ask myself why? I understand the unregenerate behavior but I don't understand those surrounding the situation who allow it to continue. Where is the board? Where are members of the congregation who see and are grieved? 

Often pastors who exhibit these characteristics are simply bullies. They get in the face of anyone who tries to speak to their behaviors which is why boards often back off. But why should a board back off and since when do bullies qualify to be pastors of a local church? I think of the qualifications for elders and deacons in the New Testament and the further comments of Peter on the matter and wonder why we allow behaviors that are so contrary to both New Testament teaching and the model of Jesus. 

TJ Addington of Addington Consulting has a passion to help individuals and organizations maximize their impact and go to the next level of effectiveness. He can be reached at tjaddington@gmail.com

Creating cultures of excellence

Reality Distortion Fields

The phrase was coined by members of Steve Jobs teams when he wanted to convince them that something they all knew to be false was indeed true. They would quietly whisper, "beware of the reality distortion field, don't get caught in it." Steve, with his powerful, over the top persuasive abilities was able to convince a lot of people a lot of things a lot of the time and it all fit his version of reality, his reality distortion field.


The truth is that we all have reality distortion fields which allow us to see reality on our terms. Healthy individuals keep those distortion fields to a minimum while unhealthy individuals allow them to grow and expand until they are literally living in an alternative reality - often quiet separated from reality. 


Some years ago, I was asked by a pastor and board to determine why he and the board were experiencing so much conflict. I interviewed board members, staff members and finally the pastor himself. He was amazed that people felt the way they did about him as he had been living with a picture of himself that was quite different than the picture others had. His distortion field (the level of distortion between his view and reality) would have caused him to likely lose his job if he had not rectified the problem quickly because it was at the root of the conflict between he and the board and staff. 


I have seen reality distortion fields become pathological when an individual becomes so disconnected from reality (yes in ministry) that they actually believe their unhealthy treatment of others is OK and that those they mistreat are actually OK with it as well. Of course, when you do your own inquiry one finds out that this is not the case at all but the defensive mechanisms of the one with a significant reality distortion field protects him or her from the guilt they ought to have for their behavior. Reality distortion fields always provide the perpetrator of poor behavior an alternative explanation which absolves them and places the blame on others. 


Usually, reality distortion fields are allowed to grow (often in leaders) because those around them do not have the courage to confront and tell the individual the truth. There is a reason for the lack of courage. These individuals are very hard to get through to. Their defensiveness is massive and they don't want to hear a version of truth that messes with their reality distortion field. However, the logical outcome of their progression into non reality is narcissism where they can justify anything and eventually implode but only after hurting a great many people. 


I asked one board whose pastor exhibited these tendencies why they had not done a job review in decades. The answer was that the senior pastor was too defensive and threatened by it so they held off, allowing the senior pastor's behavior to escalate and continue to hurt others. This particular pastor would use threats against those who tried to penetrate his defenses. The board actually thought that if they pushed their pastor he would quit since he had threatened on a number of occasions to do so. Ironically it would have been the best thing that could have happened to the church.


Those who live with reality distortion fields are crazy makers to those around them. They so distort reality that those who live in reality start to wonder if they are somehow going nuts and may even be to blame for the chaos that they see around them! It is like the inmates of an insane asylum convincing the staff that they ought to trade places because it is really the staff who are living with reality distortion fields and not the inmates. If you have ever lived or worked close to one with a reality distortion field you know exactly what I am talking about!


If you have a situation like this in your ministry please deal with it. The longer you wait the more distortion takes place and the more distortion takes place the more people get hurt. 

The decision making checklist

Decision making is an art based on good input and good thinking. In any critical decision the following checklist can be helpful to understand the risks and opportunities in the decision.


1. When does the decision need to be made? My philosophy is to wait until the decision needs to be made before pulling the trigger. The more time  I have to "think grey" the more of the implications I can discover.


2. Who will the decision impact? Decision makers often do not think carefully about who will be most impacted by the decision. Be sure you know exactly who will be affected and how?


3. What will the push back be? There is always push back to a critical decision - change is uncomfortable. Brainstorm about the push back you are likely to encounter so that your explanation can answer as many questions up front as possible.


4. What is the upside? Decisions are made because there is some advantage to them. Can you articulate clearly the positive impact that the decision will have for your organization?


5. What are the potential unintended consequences? To the best of your ability, identify the consequences of your decision and even what the unintended consequences might be.


6. Who needs to be consulted? The best decisions are made in consultation with others. Who can speak into your proposed action and bring greater clarity or even alternatives to the table?


7. What is the roll out process for informing people? Process is as important as the decision itself. One may have a brilliant idea but run a bad process leaving people with a bad taste in their mouth regarding the decision. Make sure you know how you are going to process people.


8. Should there be dialogue with the affected people? Once you have your ducks in a row and before the decision goes into affect, is there a forum to dialogue with impacted parties to answer questions and concerns in a non-defensive way.


9. If people have concerns, who should they contact? Make sure there is a place to go with ongoing concerns or questions.

The up side of failure

We all fail, whether in large or small ways. No one is exempt. We mess up a relationship and it fails. We lose our business and it fails. We get a bad review and feel like a failure. We lead a team that fell apart - failure. A divorce, DWI conviction, being fired from our job...there are many definitions of failure. Sometimes it is true failure and sometimes we just feel like a failure. But what is failure?


At its root, failure is the opportunity for growth! It calls the question on whether or not we will learn from our circumstance whether self inflicted or other inflicted. It is an opportunity to start over and evaluate, re-calibrate, engage in God in a new way and see new life. Failure is not fatal but an opportunity. Moses found this out, as did the apostle Peter and King David or in our time, Chuck Colson.


When failure invades our lives it is time to call a time out! Depending on the source of the failure there is a sense of loss, maybe guilt, and certainly deep sadness. Nothing wounds the human spirit like failure. It is a wound, it hurts and like a wound takes time to heal. It is an opportunity and it will either take us to despair or hope.


There is no time when despair is more easy or hope more comforting than in failure. Do we give up or do we look forward in the knowledge that God's grace is greater than our failure and His sovereignty is not diminished by our circumstances. Understanding His goodness and His greatness is the genesis of hope, however small in the pain of failure. Press into Him and that tiny grain of hope will grow. Chuck Colson will tell you that his failure in politics and subsequent jail term was the very thing that forced him to open his heart to hope, in Jesus. Failure is an opportunity for growth! Out of his Colson's failure came a close walk with God, numerous books and the transformation ministry of Prison Fellowship.


Too often we move through life without much inspection of our path or introspection of our heart. Time outs, when we are forced to confront our own weakness and need is a precious gift. If, we take the route of hope and move closer to Jesus. 

Just one thing!

As one year draws to a close and another one begins we often think about new beginnings. There are usually many things we would like to improve on, do differently, or start doing. This is where New Year resolutions come in and they often don't work well - usually because we complicate things.


The key to change in life is keeping it simple - and focused. Consider asking just one question in four areas of life as you look at next year.


What is the one change I would like to make in my personal life?
What is the one change I would like to make in my spiritual life?
What is the one change I would like to make in my professional life?
What is the one change I would like to make in my family life?


Just one thing in four spheres of life!


Changing one thing and actually doing it is far more powerful than trying to do a bunch of things and not accomplishing it. And one thing multiplied by four can be powerful change or new beginnings.


Oh, one other thing. Don't wait until January one. Start today and by the time the new year kicks in you are already practicing one new thing in four key areas of life.


One thing - just one.

What does God want for you today?

Take a moment and consider what God wants for you today. We often consider what He wants of us but what does He want for us?


There is no better answer to that question than the blessing that God Himself gave to the priests in Numbers 7:24-26 to pray over the Israelites. This is His wish, His blessing, His commitment to you, His promise to you today.

The Lord bless you and keep you;

the Lord make his face to shine upon you;

and be gracious to you;

the Lord turn his face toward you

and give you peace.

That is an amazing statement from the God of the universe to us. As you walk through your day today, God is going to bless you. His face is turned toward you and offers you peace no matter the circumstances of your life. And He will be gracious to us! Wow!

What more needs to be said? And just so we would get it, He sent His Son to deliver the message personally.

Does your ministry have vision so compelling that people cannot ignore it?

It was Jim Collins who gave us the new word BEHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal). It is the concept of a vision so compelling, so clear, so focused and so energizing that it cannot be ignored. In fact, by its very nature it draws people in who resonate and want to be a part of it. 


This kind of vision is not necessarily about big or expensive. We too often attribute compelling vision as big numbers. Not so. Compelling vision may be to be part of a coalition of churches to together reach every home in a city. Your church size does not matter, but the vision is compelling. It may be to become a congregation known for its love and compassion in the community. It could be to adopt a region of the world where a congregation is committed to bringing the Gospel in a holistic way - a huge challenge that is not dependent on church size. 


Compelling vision is a vision that can be articulated clearly, meets real spiritual needs, is other centered rather than us centered, requires significant energy and even sacrifice to accomplish and will positively and significantly impact a group, community or area with the love and message of Jesus. It's mandate is one that cannot be ignored. 


Here is a counter intuitive principle. We often think people will be motivated to participate and give and become excited when it is something that benefits them. Actually, for most,  the more "other centric" a vision is, the more compelling it is. It calls us to something. It challenges us to participate in what God is doing in big ways. It requires the skills of everyone. It invites us to sacrifice for the sake of something great. It lifts us out of the mundane and calls us to something of eternal significance. 


What is your ministry's compelling vision?


Oh, about BEHAGs? Jesus gave us the biggest one ever. It is the great commandment to love one another as He loved us and the Great Commission, to reach our world for Him.

Hope and Grace 2007

Every December 4 through January 14 since 2007 I daily read the blog www.reachtj.blogspot.com as a remembrance to the hope we have in Jesus and the grace that he extends so freely to us. The blog is the account of my 42 day hospital stay from which I never should have survived - but God gave my family hope and He extended to me  the grace of an extension of life for which I am eternally grateful. 

The battle between life and death started on December 4 when I entered the hospital unable to breath. They quickly determined that I was in congestive heart failure and had massive pneumonia and a huge pleural effusion (a collection of fluid in the wall of the lung-like having a liter of pop stuck inside your lung wall). What they would not know for a week was that it was MRSA  or Methicyllin resistant staphylococcus aureas- a "super bug" pneumonia. This would lead to septic shock, Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome, a failed mitral valve in my heart, high fevers that required ice cooling jackets, the shutting down of some of my organs, heartbeats of 220 or higher without the ability to shock my heart back into rhythm - all this while I was in a coma and on a ventilator. On a number of occasions the doctors gathered the family to prepare them for my imminent death.

Amazingly God gave my wife, Mary Ann, hope two days into this ordeal. Two days later was the day that I told her I believed I was going to die. It was the day that they would put me on a ventilator from which I should not have woken up alive. It was the day that I could barely breath as I felt I was drowning in my own fluids. But two days before that day as she sat by me bed she asked Jesus, "How should I pray?" And God replied in an audible voice (to her), "It will be very close, but T.J. will live." A voice of hope when there was no human hope. A voice of hope that she clung to during the next weeks of a life and death struggle. When the doctors gently told the family there was no hope she stood on the hope God had given her. She was a rock of faith as were my sons Jon and Chip who walked through the dark days with her and became men in the process.

Our family experienced amazing grace during and after those days. Our prayer partners came to pray and love on the family. Friends gathered around and sheltered them in their love. And time and again, God gave His grace when it was needed. One night as my youngest sister was standing by my bed angry with God tired and discouraged, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Immediately she knew that it was going to be OK whether I lived or I died. She turned to see who was there but there was no one. She knew she had been touched by God or an angelic being. On another day, a nurse came in tears to Mary Ann and said through tears, "I was just in T.J.'s room and God gave me a vision of him alive and well!"

Most of all we were blessed through the thousands who prayed for God to do something miraculous and extraordinary. It is the faith and prayers of thousands around the world whom God answered in His sovereignty in choosing to heal my broken heart, clear my lungs, defeat MRSA, septic shock, cool the fevers until the day I walked out of the hospital on January 14, a product of His grace.

God gives us hope in all situations and His grace is with us always. Think back to the situations you have been in where He has shown you His hope and His grace and never forget. Never forget! It is His grace that sustains us day to day, it is His hope that walks with us through the dark nights of the soul that we all experience. Someone asked me, "How do you remember?" One of the ways I remember is to read the blog put up for me daily from December 4 to January 14. It is a month of remembrance for me. On that I will follow until I see Him and can thank Him in person. 

I am a walking billboard of God's hope and grace. So are you. Never forget. Always live in thanks for His hope and grace. 

http://www.reachtj.blogspot.com/

Accountability, transparency and calendars

One of the interesting issues in ministry is that there is often very little accountability for how pastors and others in ministry use their time. I have often been in conversations with church staff who are frustrated that they don't know where the pastors they support are or what they are doing when out of the office. Thus for many hours during the week there is no known schedule for the pastoral staff. In one case, the senior pastor was in the office two days a week and the support staff person has no idea what he does the rest of the week. In another case, staff do not have the permission to contact the senior leader when he is out.


On a personal level, lack of accountability is dangerous. On a professional level it is a terrible example to others regarding how accountable we choose to to be. In the professional world such lack of transparency is rarely accepted and where it is, no better an example. 


The more transparent we are regarding how we spend our time, the more trust we elicit. When our staff does not know where we are or what we are doing they can legitimately make all kinds of assumptions. When leaders are not accountable for their time, it sends a message to others as to how accountable they should be. When our staff knows how and where we spend out time (and the hours put in) it creates a culture of accountability and transparency.


Transparency and accountability make for high trust. That is why my schedule is available to all my key staff via electronic calendar sharing. I am also always available if someone needs to reach me. I can also view the calendars of the other members of my team. One can even color code their calendars by activity to understand where the key categories of time is spent. 


Of course that raises a simple question: Do we even have a calendar or are we just doing life by the seat of our pants? Just like our check books reveal the priorities of our spending, so our calendars reveal the priorities of how we choose to spend our time. If there is no calendar it reveals a low view of how one spends his/her time while a detailed calendar reveals a careful view of time spent.   


Time is one of those things that one cannot get back. Our stewardship of how we use that time is an indicator of our desire to live intentionally rather than accidentally. Our transparency with our team regarding our calendar reinforces trust and models healthy accountability.

Group think and courageous interlopers

It happens on boards, among staff members, in congregations and even among friends: group think. A common opinion or shared course of action even when there is evidence that there is another side, another option or even an elephant in the conversation that is being ignored. But the dynamics of the group and peer pressure prevent people from going there. Sometimes it is easier to just agree and pretend that the elephant is not there.

Enter the interloper - "one who jumps into the midst of things," (Webster) and says, "hmm, wait a minute, what about?, have you thought about?, I think we are possibly missing something here, let's talk about the real issue, there is an elephant we are not willing to discuss so I am going to put it on the table."

This is not an easy role to play and it needs to be played carefully. But it is a necessary role for those who are courageous enough to do it. Disagreeing with group think can be an unpopular role to play and thus needs to be done with grace and humility. But, when there are issues behind the issues that are being ignored for comfort or convenience, someone with courage can do the organization a favor by at least putting it on the table. Once on the table, others may be willing to consider it. 

Mature individuals are self defined individuals. They are able and willing to speak their mind without being disagreeable, able to disagree while remaining relationally connected and are not intimidated by being a lone voice with both conviction and humility. They don't have to get their way but they are also not going to ignore issues that are part of the equation. In a word, they are wise without being obnoxious.

Church boards need courageous interlopers from time to time who are willing to press in where others will not go. So do staff teams and even groups of friends. It is not easy but sometimes necessary.

Safety is not our highest value

Guest writer

Brian Duggan

It is a testament to God’s grace that He uses broken and severely flawed people to build His Church.  There are many things we can point to in the church’s past that amaze and dismay…the crusades, slavery, and as often pointed out by young people, materialism.

Today another value has emerged in the developed-world that is insidious in its implications.  It is that safety and security is one of our highest goals in life – even a higher value than the spread of the gospel or simply following the call of God on our lives (although we would not admit that).

When safety is held as a high value it can trump obedience to God’s directive to go into the world and make disciples, to do ministry in a “bad” area of town, to travel to many parts of our world for ministry purposes or even to risk offending a friend or neighbor by sharing the Gospel.  A focus on safety means we buy only the newest car with the most safety features, don’t allow our kids to take risks considered a normal part of childhood a generation ago and we watch documentaries and read magazines that paint the world as a dangerous place which reinforces our fears. 

Since the church is often heavily influenced by its culture, this type of thinking has seeped into teaching and preaching, Bible studies, and small group fellowships.  The search for and value of safety becomes a given and people who don’t  live that way are often considered foolish.

God speaks of safety often in the Bible, but it is in the context of what He provides, not what we should pursue on our own.  He calls us to seek Him for our security, to ask Him for safe travel, to step out in faith and depend on His protection.  Nowhere does the Bible say that a person of faith is to seek his/her own safety or to decide whether to follow His leading based on how safe it is. When the Ephesian elders tried to convince Paul not to travel to Jerusalem for safety reasons, he replied to them "Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus (Acts 21:13-14)."

C.S. Lewis described this well in his portrayal of the lion, Aslan (a Christ figure) when he wrote, “He is not safe, but he is good.”  In a world where 24/7 news has to catch our attention to generate advertising dollars, fear sell: stories of hurricanes, wars, earthquakes, and criminals give hosts something to talk about and ads to sell.  But when Christians don’t use God-given filters and evaluate what they see and hear in the context of God’s Word, we are at risk of being influenced more by society than by our Father.

Is safety wrong?  No.  But the pursuit of safety to the detriment of obedience to God’s call is a tragedy that could have a larger impact on spreading the Gospel than many of the church’s past failings. 

Sensitive and insensitive leadership

Steve Jobs was a genius but I suspect that most of those who have made their way through his long biography left the book fascinated but saying, "I would never work for that guy." His empathy and sensitivity level were in the basement as leaders go and many who worked for him felt used and abused. I love his products but abhor his leadership style.


I think the same could be said for many leaders in the Christian ministry world who accomplish amazing things but leave in their wake disillusioned and wounded people. Like Jobs, they were successful in how we often define success but at a huge cost of individuals who were wounded by them in the process. And in both cases I have to ask myself, is success at the cost of people real success? In fact, it seems to me that success at the expense of people is an oxymoron. It cannot be true success because in the end, ministry is about people.


No leader will be universally popular - that I know personally and understand. It is not the job of a leader to be popular but to lead people toward a common mission. There are times that a leader must make an unpopular decision about a staff member. But, a leader is a steward of those they lead and the using, abusing, and disposing of people, or harsh treatment of staff hardly fits the leadership style of Jesus in the Gospels or reflects Biblical teaching on how we interact and treat others. It truly bothers me deeply when I meet leaders who are users and abusers of those they lead. 


The acid test for a leader and for those who watch a leader are these: Is their leadership more about them or those they lead? Is it more about them or the mission they are perusing? In the pursuit of that mission, do they bring people with them or do they leave a trail of victims in their wake? Do they use people or serve people? Do they have empathy for those they lead or are they hard and insensitive when people get in the way of where they want to go? And here is a great question: Would those who have worked for them want to work for them again?


One of the reasons so many individuals leave ministry is that they become disillusioned by working for "Godly leaders" that outsiders look up to but who they have been wounded and abused by. Being violated by those who should have higher standards because they lead in the name of Jesus is deeply wounding. It is truly the dark side of ministry - and the church. 


If you are a leader, ponder these questions. If you are courageous, ask those around you how they rate you in those areas. If you don't care, well, leave ministry!

I cannot find good leaders for my church

It is a common complaint among pastors. However, I believe they are generally wrong. Often the issue is not that there are not good leaders in your church but that the leaders you have are not attracted to serve on your board. Here are some of the things good leaders are not attracted to:


Board meetings that drone on and on with an inability to make clear decisions. Issues that come up time and again after they have already been discussed. Agendas that are about the status quo rather than thinking about the future. Lack of accountability for follow through on decisions that are made. Passive board members. A board with a history of conflict. It is clear that there are elephants in the room that no one is allowed to talk about. Little time for prayer or robust dialogue. An ethos that does not allow for candid conversation about church issues. Lack of a collegial atmosphere.


None of this should surprise us. Good leaders recognize a good leadership culture and they are very good at sniffing out bad leadership cultures and avoid them assiduously. 


Good leaders are looking to serve and lead with other leaders who want a healthy, forward looking and results oriented ministry. They love to tackle problems, solve them and move on. They are more focused on the future than the status quo. They value candid and robust dialogue where there are no elephants in the room. They also value their time and want meetings that start and end on time without wasting time on issues that could be decided elsewhere. And they want to do this with a group that is passionate about following the Lord of the Church.


Here is my point. The culture and ethos of your leadership board has a lot to do with whether good leaders want to sign on. On the healthiest boards, leaders don't want to leave. On unhealthy boards they cannot leave soon enough.