Relational Intelligence

I believe there is a direct connection between the health of a church or organization and the relational intelligence of its constituency. I would argue, for instance, that churches with high levels of conflict have poor relational skills while congregations with little to no ongoing conflict have a higher level of relational intelligence. 

Relational intelligence, a part of EQ or emotional intelligence, is the ability to relate to others in healthy ways, keep personal boundaries intact, negotiate conflict or differences with others without breaking relationship, be self defined personally about what one believes even when others would disagree and not get pulled into emotional triangles or enmeshment with others. If you think about it, the lack of these skills are large contributors to conflict and relational dysfunction.

Consider personal boundaries. Any number of individuals or groups would like to pull you into their orbit, take up their cause, believe their version of events and rope you into their issues. Healthy personal boundaries recognizes this when they see it and wisely hold their own counsel rather than get pulled into other issues. One of the major reasons that conflict escalates is the lack of healthy personal boundaries.

Or consider self definition - the ability to speak one's mind with clarity even when others may disagree. When there is poor relational intelligence, rather than being self defined, individuals communicate what they think others want to hear (for reasons of acceptance). The problem is that they often cater to their audience and end up giving false impressions as to what they really believe and say one thing to one group and another to another group which causes all kinds of confusion.

One of the most critical areas of relational intelligence goes to how we handle people who disagree with us. All too often when people disagree, they are cut off from friendships, marginalized if they are staff, and labeled as disloyal and troublemakers. Think of how destructive, painful, unloving and emotionally immature this is. It is a sign of someone who is not only emotionally immature but self absorbed because the core of this behavior is totally narcissistic. Because someone has not treated me well, or disagreed with me, or taken issue with me, I can no longer trust them, don't want to relate to them and thus I will marginalize them. Notice that it is all about me.

Whole churches get embroiled in conflict when this lack of relational intelligence prevails because those who don't agree with us become the enemy and relationships are severed. Staffs become dysfunctional when senior leaders display this behavior because they are dividing their staff into two camps, the loyal and disloyal and loyalty is usually defined as "they agree with me."

Interestingly, the New Testament has a great deal to say about relationships - healthy and unhealthy and it is the healthy that define good relational intelligence. Groups with high relational intelligence can differ on major issues but remain connected, loving and committed to one another. That is not true when there is poor relational intelligence which by definition divides, escalates conflict and destroys relationships.

I tend to give those with poor relational intelligence a very wide berth because I don't want to be caught up in their relational chaos. 

We need to talk more candidly with our congregations about what God honoring relationships look like and what behaviors are destructive and decidedly not God honoring. We also need to be far more proactive in training ministry staff on issues of relational intelligence. Either we allow a relational culture that defines itself (usually negatively) or we define a God honoring relational culture and help people understand what contributes to health and what contributes to dis- health. 

Good relational intelligence:

• Does not get pulled into others issues
• Is self defined and keeps one's own counsel
• Resists triangulation and enmeshment with others
• Stays in relationship when others disagree with them
• Is not threatened by disagreement
• Forgives easily and seeks forgiveness quickly
• Does not divide people into friend and enemy camps
• Gets one's relational clues from Scripture and Jesus
• Thinks of the other's perspective as much as their own
• Tries to put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand their point of view
• Places love and grace for others above their own concerns
• Lives out 1 Corinthians 13
• Treats everyone with dignity

Would it not be great if our congregations and organizations had that kind of relational intelligence? The higher the relational intelligence of our organization the healthier it will be but the opposite is also true.

"I knew I should have said something!"

I have heard that statement numerous times from staff or board leaders about a decision that was made that they knew was not a good idea but did not speak up. It only takes one individual who is willing to show up to stop a train that looks like it is gathering steam - toward a train wreck.


Especially is ministry there is a tendency toward optimistic thinking. That things will work out or we just need to have faith. But faith and optimism in foolish or reckless decisions is not faith but folly. 


Whenever we have a "check in our spirit" we ought to pay attention to it. That "check" or "doubt" may well be the Holy Spirit, or plain wisdom, saying, "Don't go there." "Speak up even if you lose the day." Never ignore the whisper of doubt when making an important decision.


We have a lot of group think on staffs and church and ministry boards. It is an unfortunate thing. The very reason that God designed church leadership as a "plurality of leaders" is that no one individual has the wisdom or gifts to lead alone. But group think circumvents that design by the group simply acting as one individual. Plurality in leadership only works well when each individual is willing, able and courageous enough to speak their minds and even to go against the flow when necessary.


This is not about being the "gadfly." It is about being an independent thinker who is able to speak honestly, candidly and truthfully even when that means raising uncomfortable questions that others don't want to raise. Often, if one individual has doubts, others do as well and the one who is courageous enough to speak gives others permission to speak as well.


One of the marks of good emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to be self defining. That is, to be able to state one own's opinion with conviction and clarity even if it is a lone voice. 


There are ministry leaders who exert a great deal of pressure for their boards or staff to go along with them. Healthy leaders and staff are respectful but independent thinkers who hopefully won't wish after the fact that they should have said something. 

Leadership fear and faith

Is there one key issue you know that you need to address in your organization that you have put off because of fear? The fear may be of dealing with the consequences, explaining to someone that they are not a good fit or needing to make a major shift that you know has unknowns attached to it.

Leadership fear that paralyzes action you know must be taken is not uncommon. You are in good company - but also dangerous company. Leaders suffer from it. Boards suffer from it. Fear is normal but not acting because of it is leadership default.

Inability to address necessary issues can increase with our longevity as leaders. The longer we have been in a position the more we have to lose if we rock the boat. So it is easy to look the other way or even to figure our successor will take care of it. If you inherited such issues from your predecessor you know how well that works!

Often our inability to act comes from confusing the issue we need to address with the question of how we should do it. These are two very different questions. The first question is what do we need to do and once we are clear on that the second is how do we do it. 

If you have an issue, don't ignore it but make a conscious decision as to what you need to do. Then, start thinking through the strategy for how you can best address it with as little fallout as possible.

Remember that doing the right thing honors God, is what we are called to do in our leadership roles and is critical to the health and missionality of the ministry. I have been amazed at how God has gone before me when I have done the right thing even if it was the hard thing. 

Being willing to address those issues we know we should address is not only a matter of courage but of faith. Do we believe that God honors leaders who do what is best? Do we trust him for the wisdom to do it in a way that is prudent? Do we believe that if He is prompting us to act that He will act on our behalf as well?

Most of us know when we need to act on something. The question is whether our faith or fear will win out. As Paul said, if God has given one the gift of leadership, lead!

The critical importance of exit interviews

One of the most neglected disciplines in many churches and ministry organizations is that of doing exit interviews when staff leave. In fact, in some cases, I believe that some leaders don't want to do candid exit interviews because they know they have a problem with retaining staff and frankly don't want to address it. Yet, had they conducted candid and confidential exit interviews they would know how to address the issue.


What can exit interviews tell you? First, they may tell you why a staff member is actually leaving. Let's be honest. In many cases in ministry settings staff don't reveal the actual reason they are leaving out of concern for the organization or because they are under pressure not to rock the boat. If there is an underlying reason for their exit related to the culture of the ministry it is a good thing for you to know this.


Second, if there is a dysfunctional staff situation, and you see trends (see my blog, When the bodies pile up), the exit interviews give you information that can be used to address whatever dysfunction exists. That is, if you truly desire to do so. In some cases, in spite of problematic trends, leaders simply ignore the problem not wanting to deal with it. However, common stories when people leave do give you some helpful data to address underlying issues.


You may also discover that your hiring processes are not robust enough if there is a trend of people who don't fit. Poor hiring practices lead to a higher attrition rate which is unfortunate for the staff member as well as the organization.


One thing to remember is that people may vent on their way out so their own experience can be colored by their issues. One problematic exit does not make a trend. Over time, however, if there are consistent themes around any issue of staff health or culture the exit interviews give you an opportunity to address it. 


As the leader of an organization, I take the feedback from staff who leave seriously. It gives us an opportunity to improve our culture and practices. I am given regular feedback from our personnel folks on trends that they pick up. Don't neglect your exit interviews. They are crucial to a healthy organization.

The quiet ministry of calling out the best in others

A question to ponder. Who saw potential in you and called it out of you? Who encouraged you in your growth and quietly mentored you? Whoever it was left a legacy not only in you but in all the people you have touched. 


Those who encourage and develop others are special people. Theirs is a ministry behind the scenes that gets little press but which has huge reward. It is a ministry that is other centered rather than self centered. And, it is a ministry that every one of us can have.


The story of the early church was easily dominated by one great figure - the Apostle Paul. As a theologian he defined much of its theology, as an apostle he planted key churches and as a developer of people he trained up the generation that would go after him. 


Think about this, however. Behind this giant was a quiet, unassuming gentleman by the name of Barnabas who took Paul under his wing when everyone else was afraid of him. It was Barnabas who taught Paul in the early days. It was Barnabas who introduced him to the other apostles and the church. It was Barnabas who encouraged and walked alongside Paul when others did not.


So who is more important in the story of the early church: Barnabas or Paul?


Barnabas saw potential in Paul when others did not. As he did with John Mark when Paul did not. I would suggest that Barnabas had a high level of spiritual discernment along with the patience and desire to develop others. His was not a flashy ministry but a ministry in the shadows that lifted others up. 


The development of others is a a humble ministry. It often goes unseen and unacknowledged - except by God. It's legacy is in the impact of those they encourage, develop and lift up. Those who see potential where others don't are like prospectors who know the vein of gold is somewhere beneath them. They have the heart of God who sees the potential in each one of us. And they have the patience to draw it out.


Few of us will be earth changing leaders. All of us can be life changing people who have the heart of Barnabas and who call out the best in others. 

The issue of staff loyalty

"Are they loyal to me?" is the question that many leaders ask themselves about their staff. Sometimes in conflictual situations, a leader will either ask or demand loyalty of their staff. In negotiating through conflict I have often heard the charge, "he or she is not loyal to me as their leader," which usually means they don't belong in the organization anymore.

I believe, by the way that loyalty is a good thing and that healthy organizations and leaders have a great deal of loyalty. There is a difference, however between loyalty and subservience. 

When I hear this kind of thing I always ask the question, "What is your definition of loyalty?" Some of the more interesting and problematic responses I have received are "that he/she agree with me," or "that they do what I tell them to do and how I tell them to do it." For others it means, "never question my decisions (implicitly or explicitly)." I find these problematic definitions because they remove the autonomy of thinking from the staff member and insist that they allow their leader to think for them. That, by the way is how cults start. And how many dysfunctional staffs operate.

In my experience, the removal of staff on a charge that they are not loyal is usually more of a reflection on an insecure or narcissistic leader than it is on the conduct of the staff member. Unless one  can demonstrate that an individual's behavior is harmful to the organization, labeling someone as "disloyal" and marginalizing or firing them is a reflection of an unhealthy leader rather than an unhealthy staff member who may simply be thinking for himself/herself and expressing themselves honestly. Beware of leaders who have a pattern of dismissing or marginalizing people on the basis of a lack of loyalty.

There are gradations of loyalty. Our highest loyalty cannot truly be to any person but it is to God. Thus, if any individual, leader or not, asks us to violate a moral or ethical standard or skirt the truth our loyalty to God trumps our willingness to do as we have been asked even if out of "loyalty."

Our next highest level of loyalty is to the mission of the organization we work for. If I don't believe in the mission of my organization and cannot be loyal to that cause I am in the wrong spot. So while I work for the most empowering leader ever, I do not serve because of him but because of the cause of the organization. He makes it a joy to work for the organization and I might not be there under another leader.

So what about loyalty to our leaders? One dictionary defines loyalty as "Faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend."  Notice that it is couched in the term faithfulness and only to a person or cause that is "deserving of fidelity." In other words, loyalty cannot be demanded but it can be deserved and earned.

But take this one step further. What does faithfulness to a leader entail? It certainly means that we want the very best for them and for the organization they lead. Thus there will be times when we specifically do not agree with them if a decision they are making is going to hurt them or the organization. Loyalty by definition speaks up (respectfully) when one is concerned about and issue. It does not stay passively silent and supportive. Loyalty means that my leaders trusts me to be supportive of him/her and the organization, and not to do anything that would undermine it or them. 

In our organization, I would want these characteristics from our staff: Loyalty to the cause, respect for and cooperation with those who lead, and nothing that undermines either the mission or those who lead including cynicism and mistrust. Honesty and candidness in communication with the best of the organization always in mind. 

I also have a set of expectations for leaders toward those on their teams. Loyalty and respect go two ways.

Leaders who demand loyalty no matter what are merely looking for "yes" people who will do their bidding. Healthy leaders want to be respected but they want their staff to be honest, candid and to think for themselves - and speak up when needed. Unhealthy leaders categorize staff into two camps: those for me or against me - a dysfunctional definition of loyalty and disloyalty. Those who do this lose the support of healthy staff and build a staff of people who know that they cannot cross their leader.  

For better or for worse and 13,140 bricks

When Mary Ann and I said those five words 36 years ago we said them with great conviction, hope and optimism but knowing nothing about their true implications - because we had no idea what the better or worse would entail. The better has been better than we could have imagined and the worse has been worse than we ever anticipated. It has simply been 36 years of real life not understood or anticipated at the tender age of 20.


For better or for worse are powerful words because it is in the better and the worse that two individuals forge the most powerful partnership and abiding mature love. I think of every day of marriage as a brick in a wall. After one year we had 365 bricks laid. Today we have 13,140. After year one we had a small fragile wall. Today we are on our way to a strong fortress. Some of those bricks were laid easily and some with great cost. But each one, sealed with the mortar of commitment builds a stronger wall: one brick at a time.


This is why we honor people who have been married for many years. We know that it was not an easy journey and we celebrate those who have been able to make the long journey together.


It is easy for our marriages to go on auto pilot. But stop and think of the fortress you are building together one day at a time. Every day, every brick, strengthens the marriage and ironically while we love the great times, it is the hard times that bring the strongest bond. Fighting battles together builds a bond that is hard to break - if we fight them together and not alone.


Grace, forgiveness and patience figure prominently into those bricks and mortar. Cracks in the wall if ignored will eventually cause its failure and collapse. Ignore the cracks and they get worse. Fix them and the wall is again strong. It takes attention, remedial action and sometimes the rebuilding of sections of the wall. Sections rebuilt are particularly precious because someone took the time to fix what was broken and make it whole. Rebuilding can be some of the hardest work but when finished some of the most satisfying.


The strongest walls are made between three people, not two - by inviting the Holy Spirit into our relationships. Through His transformation our sin is not only dealt with in forgiveness but our very character is changed over time into His. His presence makes all the difference in the health and growth of our relationships.


I intend to build a fortress with Mary Ann. What are you building?

Image management or heart management

All of us to one extent to another seek to manage our image. We want to look the best to others. In its most extreme forms, image management becomes narcissism and the inability to admit fault or to say "I was wrong." In its milder forms it manifests itself in not being fully transparent even when we are with safe people. We like to manage our image and we want people to see the managed version of us rather than the full and real us.


Think about this, however. Image management is simply about managing the outward appearance of our lives. It is no less "spin" than what we see Hollywood and government do every day. Image management is about making the outward facade of our lives look good. And it is totally the wrong focus.


What should concern us is heart management, not image management. If we manage our hearts well, we have no need to manage our image because what is inside will be what is manifested outside. Image management is only necessary when we have not managed our hearts and therefore need to make our outer self look clean knowing that there is an inner self that is not.


This is why Jesus called the Pharisees "whitewashed tombs" (nice on the outside and a corpse on the inside) and told us that what comes out of a man is simply a manifestation of what is in his heart. Manage our hearts, or as the Proverbs says, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" and image management is no longer necessary. 


Here is the irony. Image management is a clue to us that we are neglecting something in our hearts. That neglect causes us to need to pretend all is well. If we find ourselves managing our image we ought to reflect on what it is that we are hiding from others and why. And rather than putting our energy into managing our image, we can put it to work managing our heart. 

Quiet, patient, faithful courage

There are a segment among us who we need to encourage and give honor to. It is those who live with long term illness and pain and who endure it with patient, faithful courage. The cross they take up daily is a hard one because for many it is a constant one all day, every day.


Few things train us to trust God more fully than ongoing unremitting pain. Paul prayed that God would take His away and God declined saying that His strength was made perfect in His weakness. My dear friend Ann lives with it as she struggles with cancer treatments as does another friend Roger. 


What amazes me is how they handle it with a grace that seems supernatural - and that is exactly the case. It is the daily presence of Jesus and their trust in Him which makes all the difference. But the choice to press into Him daily is no less hard.


My friend, Joni Erikson Tada talks about the inner struggle she faces every morning when she wakes up and has to face the long and painful process of getting ready for her day. Every day she must make a choice and many days it is a hard choice that is a matter of sheer will.


The church needs to come alongside those who struggle with ongoing unremitting pain. Prayer, visits, practical help, meals, words of encouragement (and not flip encouragement or glib statements about God's presence). 


I pray for those who live a quiet, patient, faithful and courageous life with deep pain. I count them as heroes who know what it is to walk a hard path. I count them lucky for the grace they daily experience in the hard places. Don't ignore those in your midst who walk this path.

Persuasion or pushing: Know the difference

Have you ever met someone whose persuasive gifts left you feeling deflated, disempowered, demeaned or coerced after a conversation where they were trying to convince you to agree with them or a course of action they wanted to take? Consider this: that feeling is not simply the feeling of being outgunned by a persuasive leader. Rather, they crossed a line from persuasion to pushing you into submission. That is why you left the conversation feeling demeaned or manipulated.

In my younger years, I could be guilty of this at times, having been a debater in High School who did quite well in that arena. It worked not so well in my marriage and with others however!

The art of persuasion is an important one for a leader, especially those who choose to lead out of influence rather than from positional power. Persuasion, however, should never be manipulative. It is the ability to move people's thinking their way by making a strong and reasoned case for what they suggesting. It never seeks to force the other party to see things their way.

Persuasion crosses a line from healthy to pushy when the force of the argument starts to feel manipulative and coercing to the other party. Now it is not persuasion by reasoned thinking but by force of personality. And when we feel violated by a leader in a conversation it is usually because they have crossed that line and we don't feel we have a way to maneuver within the conversation.. Healthy leaders never try to force others to agree.

What can one do when confronted with a force of personality that starts to feel manipulative or coercive? If you are on the receiving end consider these kinds of approaches.

"Jim, I am feeling like the only OK response is to agree with you. Do I have the option of disagreeing on this matter?"

"Susan, I am feeling like you are pushing very hard for me to agree with you. Is there a reason you feel so strongly on this?"

"John, it feels like you have put me in a corner where I must agree with you. I am not on the same page on this issue so can you give me some space to make an independent decision?"

"Bill I am feeling pressured by you on this and it does not feel good."

By asking the questions or making the statements, the goal is to help the other party understand how you are feeling about the conversation and bring down the level of pressure. You may also discover the reasons that the other party feels so strongly on the issue. Either way, it usually reopens the conversation on a different tenor which is a good thing.

True Acccountability

I have mixed feelings about accountability relationships. If someone wants to hide things they will and they will lie to your face if they have been hiding things from others. People do it all the time. The fact that one has an "accountability relationship" does not keep it from happening. It is a matter of the heart, not the "system" to keep us on the straight and narrow. People who are into image management will be untruthful in order to protect their image. All of us are capable of lying to others!


True accountability comes out of a commitment to be transparent with a group of trusted friends because we choose to and want to. In other words, the real accountability comes not from the outside and others but from the inside and us. It is not something imposed but something chosen for the sake of our spiritual lives. And, it comes out of deep trusting relationships with people who we know will call out the best in us. 


True accountability is not a program. It is a frame of reference that desires to be in community with like minded people for the sake of the pilgrimage we are all on. It desires to both influence others and be influenced by others who have the same Jesus commitment. It is not a checklist of questions but rather a life on life relationship where who we are rubs off on those we are committed to and who they are rubs off on us. It comes out of relationship and a heart that   wants to go the distance with others who are on the same path.


I want the relationships of true accountability as a lifestyle and not as a program or checklist. I want to travel with fellow pilgrims who will call out the best in me and with whom I can call out the best in return.

Giving credit away

Leaders take way too much credit for their success for in reality our success when we see it is less a factor of what we have done and more a factor of what our team has done. That is not a statement of false humility but one of true reality. 


We as leaders may set the pace and direction but it is staff and teams who through collaborative effort make things happen. Too often, however, we are content to take the credit for success rather than lifting up those who did the hardest work, our team. By far, good work in execution is harder than good work that leaders do in setting the direction.


Giving credit away is not always a public thing. The simple act of thanking a staff member for what they are doing with specific explanation of how their contribution has made a difference is a powerful conversation. Many would prefer that over public recognition. And it lets staff know that you have noticed what they do, are aware of their work and deeply appreciate it.


Doing something nice for your team, something that actually costs something once in a while also sends a powerful message. Even in an age of frugality, splurging once in a while on your staff says, "I appreciate you and your work." 


Leaders are often visited by other leaders. Make a point to introduce those who visit you with members of your team that are present in the office. You send a dual message by doing so: to your staff that they are important and to your visitors that you value your staff. 


Finally make it a point to greet your staff and ask about their personal lives and family. They are not simply valuable because they work for you but because they are God's son or daughter. Treat them like you would a family member by showing interest in them as persons, not simply as employees.


If team means anything it means sharing credit with those who together with you make things happen. Your loyalty and appreciation to them will make them loyal and appreciative of you and your leadership. Be generous in sharing credit.

When all options are bad options

Let me pose an interesting dilemma. There are times that we face situations in our ministries where a crisis has occurred, or a decision must be made and all available options seem to be bad options. 

Here is an example: There is a financial crisis that must be fixed but the pain of fixing it is going to be painful because there are no good options. Any and all decisions on the table are hard decisions that will bring some kind of pain. Or you have a personnel decision that needs to be dealt with but there seems to be no upside in the choices you have in dealing with it. There are times when the only choices we have are bad choices.

I have seen a variety of responses to situations where all the options are bad options. One response is for leaders to not act at all because they want a good option and they see none. Humanly speaking this is understandable as none of us want to deal with the fallout of bad options. Of course, this simply delays the inevitable and the options rarely get better by waiting. 

The exception is with personnel issues where waiting can be a viable option if behaviors known to a few become evident to many by giving the issue time thus minimizing the fallout when a decision is made. However, this is not ignoring the issue but choosing to wait on the issue - a strategic difference.

A second response is to face the bad options realistically and choose the best of the bad options. This is often true in financial situations or where a staff member has caused a situation that is going to be painful to address no matter what. 

I recently moderated such a situation internationally where there was not going to be an outcome that was going to be good for either party because of past decisions that others had made. While closure was needed, it was going to be a closure that both parties had to swallow hard to accept. This is often the case in church conflict situations as well where the conflict has become so complicated and contentious that in the short term all that will be experienced is pain. 

There is good news however. If leaders will wisely choose a course of action knowing they have no good current options, and knowing that there will be short term pain, there can be long term gains simply because they were willing to do the hard work of tackling the issue in spite of the pain in the process. Choosing the best of bad options today can lead to closure and health down the line. 

At times, leadership is nothing more than choosing between bad and painful options. But being willing to make the choice for the sake of a healthier future.

Ends, means and everything in between

I don't meet many leaders who at the end of the day don't claim that they want the best results for the organization or team they lead. To the best of their ability, their motivations are reasonable (who of us knows all of our real motivations?). However, I do meet leaders whose means of achieving their desired ends do not meet the ethical standards that we would want in the ministry world.

As leaders, we spend considerable time thinking about where we want to lead our organizations. Wise leaders spend an equal amount of time thinking through how they get to those goals and that their means are as noble as their goals. If we sacrifice the means for the ends we have sacrificed our credibility and often our personal ethics. Or, we skate the ethical edge.

The challenge for leaders in this are several.

First, leaders are focused on the end goals. If the end goals are right and healthy all is good. That focus, however, can manifest itself in impatience to get where we want to go quickly and quickly often means cutting corners. Those corners may be the violation of people - using them instead of serving them, or ethics or finances or any number of ways we can get to where we want to go. Getting to the right place is only one half of the equation. Getting there in a healthy manner is the other half. 

Second, leaders are usually pragmatic. In itself this is a good thing and a mark of a leader.  There are enough visionary leaders who don't know how to get from point A to point B to point C. However, there are pragmatic decisions and strategies that are ethical and healthy and pragmatic decisions that work but which are not ethical or healthy. Pragmatism that violates ethical standards, violates people or is simply unwise is unhealthy and will undermine the moral authority of leaders.

Third, leaders are often impatient. On one hand this can be healthy because without healthy impatience, nothing important is likely to get done. Inertia is ubiquitous since people like the predictable and comfortable while leaders should bring a sense of urgency to their organization. On the other hand, impatience can cause leaders to push faster and harder than the organization can reasonably move. Under pressure, people start using other people or choose to look away from questionable decisions or strategies under the guise of achieving our ends and getting there quickly.

The best leaders monitor carefully the ends they pursue and the means that the organization uses to meet those ends. Both are equally important and both require a great deal of thought and diligence. No ends, however noble, are worthy of means that do not meet the same noble and ethical standards.

Here are some questions leaders should ask all the time regarding the means to their ends:
1. Am I using people or serving and leading people? 
2. Is there anything we do that skirts ethical boundaries or could look to others like we are?
3. Do we always tell the truth no matter what?
4. If we had to open our financial books to Jesus, would He be OK with what he sees? Would those around us?
5. Do we have an open and candid atmosphere where others can ask questions, question decisions or share concerns?
6. Do I as a leader have any twinges of conscience regarding how we do what we do? 
7. Do I have a hard time explaining my strategies or decisions to others and having them understand and accept them?
8. Am I OK if someone questions me on an ethical, financial or staff matters?

Jesus and our pain

Guest blogger and partner, Mary Ann Addington

Co-Author of When Life Comes Undone

Last night as I was getting ready to fall asleep I was listening to 

John 11 from the YouVersion  app (LifeChurch TV).  It was one of those times when hearing it delivered in a novel way helped me to understand it in a new light.  

Three things stood out in a new way: First, how intentional Jesus was in letting Lazarus die.  Verse 5-6,”Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.  So that when he heard that he was sick, He stayed two days longer in the place where he was.”  Jesus had a purpose in allowing Lazarus to die and He knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead.

Second, Jesus wept.  John 11:35 is the verse all kids love to get credit for memorizing.   Jesus had been confronted by Martha and then Mary for not showing up when they needed him and allowing their brother to die.  Jesus is not offended by their rebuke and gently reminds Martha that He is the resurrection and the life.   Mary, Martha, and Lazarus’s home in Bethany was a place where Jesus could just hang out over a good meal and enjoy the human pleasure of friendship.  When Jesus wept it was not for the death of a friend that he loved because he already knew that Lazarus would live again, but He wept for the pain in the hearts of his friends.

Third, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and in doing so triggered the conspiracy by the chief priests and Pharisees to kill him.  It would have been a whole lot simpler to stay on the banks of the Jordan River and avoid that whole mess.

Like Martha and Mary there have been times in life when I have asked, “Why Lord?  Why did I have miscarriages instead of daughters?  Why did my mom have to die a long and painful death after a car accident?  Why do we still live with the results of serious illness? Why do we have to live with pain?   I don’t get why you allow babies to die, why people I love suffer and die; why there is so much cruelty and injustice.”  We all have heard people say if God is so good why does he allow bad things to happen to good people?  Why does life hurt so much some times?

In allowing evil God allowed each of us to choose to love Him and live for Him.  In coming to earth and dying and rising again Jesus provided the ultimate solution for evil and the opportunity for each of us to “rise again on the last day,” as Martha said.  

God could intervene in every situation and save us from them, but chose instead to provide a much bigger solution that lasts for eternity.  It would have been a lot less messy for Jesus never to enter into our problem of pain and evil and to suffer and die for a problem he had nothing to do with starting.  He could have stayed distant and fixed millions of painful situations without feeling the pain or effort of really getting in the mess of life with us.

Jesus wept.  Not for his loss, but for our pain.  When we cry out in pain, Jesus weeps with us.  He fully bought into our brokenness and he walks with us through the mess of our pain.  Sometimes when a prayer group I am a part of is praying for a victim of abuse or other hard situations we will ask them to ask Jesus where he was when it was happening .  So far, in our experience, they can always find him and he is always weeping with them in their pain.

Jesus came to earth and got into the messy business of humans.  Jesus suffered and died a messy death to provide a solution for the ultimate cause of our pain.  Jesus rose again bringing the promise of our own resurrection and eternal life.  Jesus wept and still weeps with us in our pain.

He is Risen

We worship you O Lord

for in your victory over death

you stormed the gates of hell

and put Satan in his place,

forever.

You gave us proof of your divinity

and hope for all time.

We have no hope but You
and your resurrection 
brings us the hope we need in our lives today.

You put all of life in its proper perspective.

You died in our place

suffering the consequences of our sin

so that like You we could live again

knowing that death is not final,
disappointment is not forever
and no situation irredeemable.

There is no better news

no greater hope,

no more authentic truth,
no more joyous news

than to know

He is Risen.

You are Risen Indeed.
And so shall we be risen.

The day after when life hangs between despair and hope

What do you think it was like the day after the crucifixion of Christ? Did Pilot wake up with a guilty conscience and wonder if he had done the right thing? Did the guards who had mocked Jesus and then seen Him on the cross, wonder if an innocent man had died? Did the crowds who had called for His life keep an embarrassed silence in a quiet Jerusalem? Someone was nervous for they asked the Roman garrison to post guards at His tomb. On the day after, Jesus' friends mourned, the Romans were nervous and some who had watched the execution were sure He was the Son of God.

It had to be like a day like no other in Jerusalem. It had to be a day of quiet and consideration. It had to be a day of sober doubt after a day of impetuous action. I'll bet there were many disturbed consciences that day. The day between death and resurrection. A day of uncertainty and guilt. A day of hopelessness and sadness. 

We have days like that! I have experienced whole periods of life that hang between hope and despair. Uncertainty reigns. Sadness is prevalent, maybe dominant. It is the time in between life as it was and life as it will be - but not yet knowing what will be. It is the dark night of the soul with all the questions, uncertainties and unknowns.

It is the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. It is real and it hurts and all of us experience it just as the disciples did, only in different ways. But there is another day coming...we know and we look forward to that day of hope. Always remember in the day of despair. The morning comes, and it comes with hope and resurrection power and salvation. In the in-between times, we need the words of Habakkuk, "Be still and know that I am God." Easter comes and so does Hope. 
 

Things are not always what they appear to be!

One of the lessons of Good Friday is that what appears to be true is not always true. On this day the cosmic battle between Satan and God culminated in what Satan thought was his greatest victory. That battle had been waged from the time of the fall (Genesis 3:15) where God made it clear that one day Satan would be defeated. But on this day, Satan knew he had won. The Son of God is on the cross, alone, abandoned even by His Father who didn't seem able to rescue Him. Thirty pieces of silver was all it had taken, the best deal ever in the history of evil.

The disciples knew it was over. Jesus' friends knew it was over. The Jewish authorities knew it was over - their problem solved, a rival gone. Not only that but for those who cared, evil had won over good and righteousness. For the followers of Christ, this was the ultimate sadness. They had expected righteousness to triumph and instead, evil had prevailed. The one who had called Himself the Son of God, dead on a bitter cross. 



Little did they know that what appeared to be the final chapter was only the beginning of a new chapter because out of the jaws of apparent defeat, Christ would not only be resurrected but in that resurrection he sealed the fate of Satan and evil and unrighteousness for all time and made it possible for the created to have a relationship with the creator. Apparent defeat was only the prelude to total victory! 

Not for one moment had the events of Good Friday been out of the control of the heavenly Father even though it looked like the Father had lost all control. He is sovereign and nothing under His control can ever be out of control. The world learned that on Easter Sunday.


Think about your own life for a moment. Where are the areas that seem to be out of control? Where does it feel like evil has won? Where are the apparent areas where you feel defeat, discouragement, sadness or pain? It is easy to see the Good Friday moments in our lives when it is clear that God has not acted and we need His help. It is harder to wait for the resurrection moments when God shows up as He always does and redeems what we thought was unredeemable - often in surprising and unique ways.


Whatever your circumstance you can be sure that Easter is coming and that things are not always what they appear to be. In the end, nothing that is in His control can ever be out of control and God always prevails. Our job is to walk by faith in the Good Friday moments of life when life is hard and hope is scarce, waiting for our Easter to arrive when He shows up and redeems our situation. The fun thing about Easter was that it was such a surprise. Invite Jesus to surprise you in your situation today.

Principles and practices to guide your ministry's financial decisions

In our current era of fewer resources it becomes even more critical for churches and other ministries to have a grid through which they make financial decisions. All budgets reflect a financial philosophy whether spelled out or not. Having your philosophy defined can help you make key financial decisions and keep your ministry on track toward its intended objectives.

In addition, the answer to increased ministry is not always an increase in dollars or people. It is often doing what we do in a different and more effective and efficient way. A set of financial principles or practices can help define a mindset that sees financial resources through a new set of eyes.

Consider these best practices to guide your financial decisions. And consider taking the time to draft a set for your own ministry.

One, we will teach and model generosity believing that this is the heart of God. We will call people to a life of generosity but will not coerce or manipulate people to give.

Two, we will faithfully and wisely steward what God provides to us for the ministry He has entrusted to us.

Three, we will joyfully and thankfully live within the income that God provides. We will live within our means believing that God gives us what we need in order to accomplish the ministry He has called us to.

Four, we know that we cannot be all things to all people. Thus we will carefully define our mission critical and core ministries and fund those before we start ancillary ministries, no matter how attractive, that are not mission critical. In tight times, we will always come back to funding that which is mission critical.

Five, we value excellence but do not believe that excellence must be expensive. Our ministries will be excellent but as cost effective as possible. We will regularly look for ways to accomplish our mission in the most cost effective way as possible.

Six, we will staff with the best people possible, compensate them fairly and subscribe to a lean staffing philosophy. All key ministry staff will build teams of volunteers so that we are not staff heavy and live out the equipping mandate of Ephesians 4:12.

Seven, before we hire new staff we will always look at the systems, processes, staffing and volunteer resources to determine whether there is a way to increase our ministry capacity without increasing our staff.

Four key church board documents

Church boards have too many documents. Many of them are of no real use because they are written and filed but there are some basic documents that every church board should have. These documents guide the work of the board in significant ways. I would suggest four.


1. Your picture/document that reflects your clarity. As laid out in my book, Leading From The Sandbox, if you cannot explain your ministry philosophy, commitments and desired ends on one piece of paper, in one picture it is too complicated. Whether you use a sandbox, vision frame, ministry table or some other metaphor, this one picture should be able to tell anyone who asks what is truly important to your ministry and it becomes the picture/paradigm/language for explaining who you are to others.


2. Your board covenant that regulates your relationships. Board covenants are a one page document that spell out the relational commitments of board members to one another. Congregations rarely rise above the spiritual and relational commitments of board members so clarifying those commitments and living them out is key to a healthy board and therefore to a healthy church.


3. Your board policies that reflect how you operate as a board. Good boards have thought through the process they use to operate as a board. No healthy group operates without a set of implicit or explicit rules or principles for how they work together. Healthy boards have well written policies that reflect good governance principles, including how decisions are made and what even constitutes board work. These policies lay out the way you operate as a board, is the training manual for new board members and allows you to deal with rogue members should they arise.


4. Your annual ministry plan that reflects where you are going. Whether developed by staff, board or a combination of both, no congregation should be operating without an annual ministry plan which spells out where you are going. That plan then becomes the basis of a ministry assessment annually. It is your directional road map.


Boards should keep their work simple but they do need a set of core documents. These four explain your ministry, regulate your board relationships, board work and church direction.

The dangers of prolonged weariness

Our bodies and minds are made to run sprints and for a time marathons but we cannot be running continuously or for long seasons without hitting a danger zone. Weariness over a long period of time is debilitating to our bodies, our minds, and our souls. 


Weariness to our bodies may seem the most obvious and it can cause complications. After a number of health issues, when my body becomes weary I am more prone to illness so physical weariness is a sign to me that I need to back off. 


Mental weariness is not unlike driving when deeply tired. Responses are slower, reactions are often overreactions, and just as a tired driver becomes dangerous so do tired leaders. When tired, we do not think as sharply, our emotions are not as carefully regulated, and we are more prone to treat others without the care, diplomacy and concern for their well being that is normal. Tired leaders often use and abuse staff, often unintentionally. 


Tired leaders are far more prone to make errors of judgement including overestimating or underestimating responses to decisions that are made. Fatigue fogs judgement.


Of all the areas of fatigue, heart or soul fatigue is the most dangerous because it goes to the core of who we are and if we lose our true north at the heart and soul level, we lose our inner compass and here we are at the most risk. The evil one knows our default switches to deal with heart and soul weariness and we are at our most vulnerable in that place. 


Weariness and fatigue are a plea of our body for rest. We ignore it to our peril and put ourselves at risk if the weariness is prolonged. It is a bad place to be.

Five choices to avoid the dangerous false gods of ministry

Yesterday I wrote on the Dangerous and false ministry Gods of success, recognition, power and money. It generated unusual interest which did not surprise me given the propensity of leaders to allow these false gods to capture them. I hope leaders read it and I suspect that many staff and constituents read it since they are often the first to see their leaders moving down this destructive route.

In my experience, those who walk down this route have five common characteristics: They have neglected their inner life because of their busyness; they start to believe their own press; they stop listening to people they used to listen to and now listen only to those who tell them what they want to hear; they start to divide people into friends, those who agree with them and enemies, those who don't, and finally they have become significantly isolated from others.

In other words, leaders make choices about how they live which can lead them down paths that are exceedingly dangerous to their personal lives, families, relationship with god and ultimately ministry effectiveness. Or, they can embrace lifestyles that will keep them in safe waters. Either way these are leadership choices and not random events of fate.

1. I will modify my schedule so that there is time to think, reflect, spend time with God and time with key life friends. Our schedules are dangerous if not carefully regulated because they squeeze out margin necessary for time with God and for introspection, keep us from deep interactions with others, suck our spiritual lives dry and keep us on the edge of fatigue. 

This is clearly not how Jesus lived and it is clearly not how our physical or spiritual bodies were meant to function well. Only we can make the choice to slow down. With time, one can press deeply into God's word, evaluating our lives against what He wants of us and taking the time to compare our lives against that of Jesus.

2. I will not listen to or believe the press that others give me because while some of it may be true, I know the real me and the real me is much less impressive than the public me. Believing what others say about us is choosing to become delusional about who we really are. We are deeply flawed and broken sinners and the very fact we get caught up with false ministry gods is proof of our brokenness. 

The moment I allow others to put me on a pedestal and I start to believe their words as gospel, I am entering an "alternate reality field" which most of those around us know is not true but which we choose to buy into. Jesus was unimpressed by the accolades of others because He knew how fickle people can be.

3. I will continue to dialogue with those who have been truth tellers to me in the past. There is one caveat here. Those who have been faithful friends in the past will not always press into to a leader who is walking down a destructive path. This is because they intuitively understand that the individual does not really want to hear what they have to say. 

Thus it is incumbent on the leader to proactively ask these faithful friends what they see in their lives today and then to listen. Often they will not like to hear what they will hear but those are the wounds of faithful friends. Again, we make the choice.

4. I will not divide people into camps (friends - those who are loyal and agree with me) and (enemies - those who disagree with me and are therefore no longer loyal). Ironically those who disagree with us when we are walking down these paths are the most faithful friends we could ever have and those who agree with us are usually simply desiring to be on the in with fame and someone important like fans flock to rock stars. It is at this stage that wise leaders are deeply discerning about who their friends really are and who the "groupies" are.

5. I will not isolate myself from friendships, those I am accountable to, those who have spoken into my life faithfully in the past or from those around me.Isolation breeds a skewed view of reality because those who isolate themselves with a leader like this tell them what they want to hear, not what they need to hear. Isolation in any walk of life is dangerous. Isolation is particularly dangerous for those chasing false ministry gods.

Why is this so important? Because unchecked, these behaviors lead to what I call a Spiritual Narcissism whose outcomes are sad indeed. 

Dangerous and subtle false ministry gods

Ministry is a funny thing. By definition it is about serving Christ. But, just as the world has many false gods so do those in professional ministry. These gods often take the place of or get in the way of the God we are here to serve. They can creep up on us slowly but once entrenched they become agents of deceit that turn our eyes from the One we serve to ourselves because each of these false ministry gods are ultimately about us. They are not about Jesus.

The false god of success. We want ministry results but those very results when they become our obsession turn our eyes from Jesus to whatever definition of success we are measured by. The church becomes about numbers and programs and not about Jesus. We start to measure our dollars and budgets and not life transformation. Our buildings, facilities, programs, budgets, staff, technology, cutting edge strategies become our gods and lost in our drive for success is the one we serve, Jesus. 

The false god of recognition. Lets be honest. Most of us like recognition and some of us crave it. And ministry is a perfect platform for it because in addition to being somebody, we have the extra benefit of being able to say we do it for Jesus which is considered noble and self sacrificing. Actually, when recognition is our god, it is self aggrandizement and selfishness hiding behind the guise of ministry. The need for recognition from others rather than the smile of Jesus is a false god and one that is dangerously seductive. Whenever our ministry begins to feed our ego we are on dangerous ground.

The false god of power. This is a common false god of those in ministry leadership. It starts innocently enough perhaps - we need to lead. That leadership, however, brings with it power and the ability to control events and people. That power can become an instrument to fuel our false god of recognition and success and it is a great platform to exercise control over others. We can easily enough hide behind our mandate to lead and all the while feed a desire to exercise power over others. Ironically, the one we lead on the behalf of, Jesus, served those He led rather than controlling them. 

The false god of money. Ministry needs a certain amount of funding but that resource can easily become a god that drives us. When we start to pursue ministry funding more than we do Jesus, we substitute our resources for His power and provision. We become proud of our budgets and ability to raise funds and start to rely on our funding more than the One who is the ultimate source of all that we need. If only I had more funds we think, I could do more ministry when in reality if we had more of Jesus and His power we would see more true ministry fruit.

False gods are substitutes for Jesus whether we pursue them in the guise of ministry or in the secular arena. Those in ministry are no less susceptible to the lure of false gods than the rest of society. We simply have a different platform from which to pursue them. More importantly, however, since we do it under the guise of serving Jesus, they are perhaps even more devious and dangerous and harder for us to spot in our own lives. 

The issue of our deepest motivations is one that only we and Jesus can truly know but if we fool ourselves we are chasing something other than the Jesus we think we are serving. The only antidote is staying close to Jesus, constantly staying in tune with the motivations that drive us and surrounding ourselves with people who can speak truth into our lives. And, we need to be constantly aware that we are always in danger of pursuing false gods rather than Jesus. 

No Neutral Ground

In every relationship we have we either contribute positively to the other or negatively. There is never any neutral ground. We either build the other up or diminish them in some way.

Recently we had a long stay in a hotel in Hong Kong. The day before we checked out the maid who did the nightly turn down asked Mary Ann for her email address. Mary Ann had given her dignity and developed a relationship with her during our stay. I wonder how often that happens to a hotel maid? And how easy it would have been to allow her to fade into background of our stay!

We meet people every day who because of their position or lack of status fade into the background. They are all around us but invisible to us. For Christ followers, there is no neutral ground. These are potential sons and daughters of the king, no small matter and our response to them either brings them dignity or diminishes them as the world often does.

Jesus was the master at finding those that the world diminished and giving them attention and dignity. If he were a greeter in one of our churches he would be looking for the loner, the poor, the one burdened by sin and in need of grace and be there talking to them, extending friendship. Jesus would go out of his way to give dignity to the "undignified," and honor to the "dishonored." Do we?

Try this experiment for one week: Look for all the invisible people that surround you. They serve you fast food, make your coffee, clean your office, do your lawn, or check you out of the grocery store. Go out of your way to engage them, thank, them and give them dignity. Taking them for granted is to diminish them. Remember, there is no neutral ground. We either build people up or diminish them.

Best practices for training overseas

Many are engaged in training nationals overseas, something that is a high value in a world where a good theological education is out of the reach of most church leaders. How it is done, however, can make a significant difference in its long term impact. 


In many cases, national pastors from the majority world will attend any training that comes their way. Because that training is often paid for or subsidized and they are hungry for information. The end result, however, is often a grocery list of seminars and training that has no coherence to it and has far less value than we might think it does. And since we train and leave we do not know how effective our time was.


Here are some best practices to consider when involved in overseas training.


1. Before you go, take a class in contextualization so that you understand how to train in a culture that is not your own. Without an understanding of cross-cultural training we often train people to do things our way which is not appropriate in their culture and simply describes a western church model which is not appropriate to them.


2. Think Biblical principles, not specific programs or strategy. Principles are timeless and cross cultures, strategies and programs often do not. Most of us are equipped to teach principles for ministry but we are not equipped to know how they apply those principles in their context.


3. Don't simply teach, create dialogue. The majority world is used to simply taking in whatever is taught to them - it is the school model they grew up in. What we need to do is to help people think, evaluate, plan and apply for their context. This only comes in dialogue.


4. Rather than one off training sessions, consider a plan to train specific groups over a period of years so that you build into a group with intentionality and can see the progress they make. Allow them to make the plan with your input.


5. Always spend a good period of time in group exercises where they are thinking through the application of your teaching to their context together. For instance, if the topic is that of making disciples, have them think about an intentional process that works in their context.


6. Find out what their concerns are. We often have an agenda for what we want to teach but don't ask the group about their concerns and challenges. We are there to serve them so it is important that we understand the issues that are critical for them. 


7. Have someone with you from the local culture who can coach you on where you are communicating well and where you are losing them. 


8. Watch your illustrations, metaphors and examples. Many do not translate into another culture and will not help.


9. Ensure that everything you teach is transferable to others. If it is to complex for your students to pass on it has limited effectiveness even in the group you are teaching.


10. Keep it simple. Complexity is confusing. Simplify complexity so that you communicate what is truly important.

Ministry promises

Organizations make promises. We make them when we hire. We make them when we talk about our organization. We make them when we communicate to our donors. We make them when we talk to our staff. We make them in our policies. If we preach, we make them in our messages. 


Staff members hear those promises whether they are implicit or explicit and they respect us when we keep them and grow cynical when we don't. Above all they expect us to be serious about the promises we make. As they should.


When we say "People are our most valuable asset" but don't develop them, empower them or treat them with dignity and respect our actions do not live up to our promises. If we talk about integrity but leaders do not display it in decisions they make we don't live up to our promises.


One of my deepest fears when we bring new staff into our organization is that they will find themselves in a situation where what we promise in our "sandbox" will not be what they find. In fact, at our recent bi annual leadership team meeting we spent the whole week discussing where we were in living out the promises and commitments of our sandbox (mission, guiding principles, central ministry focus and culture). It was a "check/adjust" to ensure that we deliver on our promises.


Staff do not expect perfection but they do expect that we are consistent in keeping our promises to the best of our ability and where there are gaps working to close them. They need to know that we are serious about becoming who we say we aspire to be.


A simple way to know how well we are doing is to have honest dialogue with staff about how they perceive we are doing. Of course this means that we are able to receive that feedback with appreciation rather than defensiveness. Staff can give a perspective that leaders often do not see.


Think about the promises you or your organization makes implicitly or explicitly and evaluate how you are doing. The good thing is that there is always room for improvement.

Your greatest ministry advantage

It is probably not what you think. It is not strategy, leadership skill, opportunity or execution - and I believe in all of these. It is the power of a prayer team behind you, lifting you and your ministry before the throne of God on a regular basis. 

I don't meet many believers who have a prayer team and that makes me sad. I am convinced that it is those who pray regularly for Mary Ann and me who are responsible for whatever ministry success is seen or advances that are made.

If we truly believe what Paul says in Ephesians six that there are spiritual forces at work behind the scenes to thwart God's work, then it is spiritual weapons we need and prayer is one of the most powerful. 

It is my conviction that every believer needs others who regularly pray for them. It is also my conviction that those of us who are in Christian leadership are foolish to do what we do without a strategic prayer covering for protection against the evil one. And, the greater the press into Satan's territory, the more concerted prayer we need. 

As I travel the globe in ministry leadership, I usually bring a prayer partner with me as part of my team. It is a significant annual expense but that expense is small compared to the benefits.

In our organization we encourage each staff member to develop a small prayer team of trusted and trustworthy friends to pray for personal needs (a group you can share anything with) and a larger team who desire to pray regularly. 

I usually send a monthly prayer update with me calendar so that the teams can pray specifically for the activities that I am engaged in. It is these teams that have prayed me through some very significant times including two life threatening illnesses. 

So convinced am I of the spiritual battle that rages around us, I will not enter into any major ministry initiative, trip or engagement without my prayer teams going there with me. If you don't have one, don't wait long to develop your team.