Top blogs on conflict and reconciliation

Incarnation and reconciliation 

Conflict, reconciliation, Jesus, the church and us

Reconciling irreconcilable differences

Lessons I have learned in helping churches resolve conflict

When churches need to reconcile with staff and members who have been treated badly

Unfinished business

Conflict: Walk toward the barking dog

Conflict avoidance creates greater conflict: Four ironies regarding conflict

Five mistakes to avoid in negotiating conflict

Seven things to understand about church conflict

Church conflict: Finding the core issue and the common source

De escalating conflict

Living in peace with one another

Conflict and problem avoidance create sick churches

Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner

Church conflict, christian character and the reputation of Jesus

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

A great article on what it does and does not mean to lead with compassion

HOW TO LEAD WITH COMPASSION BUT NOT BE A PUSHOVER

Appealing to our vanity

From time to time I receive "notice" that I have been chosen as an outstanding contributor in some field and that upon the acceptance of my application (and significant fee) I may be approved to be included in this exclusive list of names to be listed in a fancy volume so that I can purchase it and put it on my shelf. 

Of course, this is not about my great accomplishments but someone making money but the fact that they publish said volumes year after year is indication that there is no shortage of vanity to take advantage of. My latest accomplishments seem to be in the field of HR which my own HR office would find highly comic, and highly suspect.

Studies show that we consistently overrate our abilities and wisdom and underrate out weaknesses and mistakes. No matter, we know better and often think of ourselves more highly than we should.

Those in Christian service who see success often start to buy the press they (we) receive. It is a dangerous path to walk down. The leaders I admire the most are the most ordinary of people, real people, who have not allowed anyone to place them on a pedestal, who discount the adulation they receive because they both know themselves well and know who gave them any gifts they possess. It is their humility and humanity (and these two go together) that endear them to others. 

Pride is one of the most often named sins in Scripture because God hates the haughty but loves the humble. The humble, after all, reflect the character of Jesus (Philippians 2). The humble reflect the character of God who has no need to be humble in any sense. As the beatitudes say, "blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth." I have made it an "unseen practice" when people are praising me to inwardly say, "Jesus it is all yours and any praise that comes to me is your deserved praise." I cannot claim credit for gifts that God gave me to steward. He was the source and His is the praise. It is why I am always uncomfortable in that situation.

It is easy to think we are humble. It is a lifelong discipline to stay humble, especially for those who are in the limelight. I will always remember the funeral of my mother in law, one of the most humble people I ever met. The place was packed. Not because she was somebody in circles that "mattered." Rather because from behind the scenes, she lived out her faith in humble acts of kindness that endeared her to all who came to her service. I receive accolades in this life. She may receive more of them in heaven. 

Guarding ourselves against vanity and practicing humility is one of the more important disciplines for those who end up in the lime light. 

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

You cannot see the picture if you are inside the frame

How often we are blind to the issues within our own organizations that in retrospect we wish we had seen. It is often a challenge to see what we need to see without a great deal of intentionality because you cannot see the picture if you are inside the frame. All of us live and work within certain frames and it is difficult to see the whole picture from our vantage point. It is the very reason we bring in consultants. They may not be brighter than us but they can see the picture better than we can.

There are ways to mitigate against not being able to see the forest for the trees. One is to intentionally maintain an outside perspective by asking how others would see our organization. Or, what would I say if I were a consultant to my own organization? Another is to routinely question why we do things the way we do, or "if we were building this today how would we design it?" Usually we would design it differently than it is designed today. Should we do something about that? In other words, we intentionally seek to look at our way of doing things from the outside rather than just assuming we do them well.

This is also why the best leaders spend time with other leaders asking them about issues that they wonder about. Many leaders never do this because they simply assume they have it down. None of us have it down perfectly or are exempt from learning from others. Run of the mill leaders are not inquisitive but the best leaders are.

Finally this conundrum of perspective is why it is so critical to create an organizational culture of openness, candid dialogue and the ability to question the status quo. It is the absence of this kind of culture (usually due to the insecurity of a leader) that keeps our own staff from naming issues that need to be seen. Staff will not go where they are not invited or allowed to go so leaders either create this kind of culture or don't depending on their own EQ.

There is one thing I can assure all of us. None of us see perfectly from inside the frame. That fact in itself ought to humble us and give us pause. And cause us to work diligently to see as much of the picture as we can.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

What I wish many adults knew and understood

"This is your heart. It goes in your belly so you can hear 

Jesus." 

My Grandson Gavrel

I know my church board is healthy when....

There are a number of key indicators of a healthy church board. If you are serving in this capacity, consider these indicators as you consider your own board.

I know my church board is healthy when...

• There are healthy relationships between all board members - even when there are differences of opinion

• We are free to put all issues on the table with the exception of hidden agendas and personal attacks

• A concern for what would please Jesus is front and central all the time

• There is a healthy balance between business and prayer

• Meetings are focused and generally stay within the set time constraints

• I want to go to board meetings!

• There is clarity about ministry direction and we seek to move in that direction

• We do governance work and allow staff to do their work without interference

• We place a high priority on learning and growing

• There are no elephants in the room

• Unhealthy behaviors on the board are not tolerated

• We have a vision that goes beyond us and is Jesus and Kingdom centered not us centered

• There is a deep concern for the spiritual growth of those in the church as well as for those in our community that do not yet know Jesus

• We are willing to tackle hard issues but always with the grace of Jesus

• We know one another well enough to tolerate and appreciate one another's differences

• We are never satisfied with the status quo but are always looking to the future and where God wants us to go

• We pray for one another outside of board meetings

• We have a board covenant that speaks to how we work with one another

• There are no unresolved conflicts between board members

Simple indicators but indicators of health. It is worth taking a few minutes as a board and asking the questions!

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

I am sad this evening

I am no stranger to health issues which is why it saddens me when others are suffering from them. I spent the afternoon at a hospital visiting a friend whose brain function is unknown after a fall. I had the privilege of praying for him and as I did he opened his eyes and tried to focus, it seemed, but I don't know.

A few days ago I received news of a senior team member of ReachGlobal who has an aggressive brain tumor. It has not left my mind since I heard it. I am praying for full healing as I prayed for my friend in the hospital but I am grieving for the uncertainty he faces along with his family. They are expressing their faith in the title of their blog (Good Things from the hand of God). That is the kind of faith we all need to live with. Nevertheless I grieve as I pray in faith.

And then there is a dear friend who informed me that she has been diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer. She is my age. I grieve and I pray. And then there is a dear friend of mine from college (it seems like yesterday) who just entered hospice care after fighting ovarian cancer with everything she had for seven years until she knew it was time and she could not fight anymore. 

I am reminded of the number of times in the Scriptures it talks of those who visit the sick, who care for the forgotten and I think of the many who ministered to me and my family during times of life threatening illness. They encouraged, they ministered and they prayed. We can never make enough home or hospital visits to the sick and suffering. We can never extend enough love to those who are physically hurting. We can never pray enough for those who are dependent on our prayers because they don't have the strength to pray themselves. 

We who have health ought to never take it for granted and it will not last forever. Thank God for it. And remember those who do not. Minister to them, pray with them, be bold in your prayers. Love them and their families. It may be the most important and unknown ministry you will ever have. Our family will never forget the friends who stood by us during long hospital stays. I will be forever grateful. Jesus was honored by their faithfulness. It is never a wasted opportunity.

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Lessons I have learned in helping churches resolve conflict

After many years of working with churches that find themselves in conflictual situations, I have come to the conclusion that there are six non-negotiable principles if there is to be a successful outcome.

First, an outside facilitator is usually necessary. The nature of conflict is that people take sides so it becomes very difficult for anyone from within to play the role of a neutral mediator. In fact, the larger the conflict the more critical it is that the individual you bring in is trusted by both sides to have the best interests of the church at heart. The sooner you bring someone in when it is clear that the situation is dangerous the better.

Second, the issues that are fueling the conflict need to be brought into the light. Conflict thrives in the shadows, in gossip, in cliques, in assumptions and behind the scenes. Bringing all the competing agendas, attitudes and positions into the light and allowing all members of the congregation to understand what is being said, what is happening and what the issues are takes the mystique out of the situation and allows everyone to respond from a position of knowledge. It also removes the power of those who have an agenda but have not been willing to make it public but have instead been putting on pressure from behind the scenes. Getting everything on the table allows all stakeholders to understand what is going on and to have a voice in solving the issues. Ironically, those who are most vociferous in their opinions overplay those who agree with them when in fact, if all facts were known, the majority would not agree. 

Third. Reconciliation is always preferable to disunity. This is actually a hard concept for many who have taken a position in church conflict. First, our natural tendency is to take a hard line and once we have told others about our own line-in-the-sand it is humbling to change our position. Second, the longer conflict goes on, the more we see the members of the opposing side as evil, dishonest, disingenuous, people with bad motives and once we demonize people it is hard to ever think that reconciliation is possible. 

To not be willing to consider reconciliation is to make a mockery of God's reconciliation with us and His call for us to be reconcilers. Speaking of church conflict, this is what Paul had to say to the Corinthians. "I appeal to you brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought (1 Corinthians 1:10)." 

In Ephesians 4:1-6 Paul writes, "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit - just as you were called to one hope when you were called - one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." Having said that, I acknowledge that sometimes it is not going to be possible to reconcile and stay together. Sometimes it means that we part ways and speak well of one another.

Fourth, ground rules need to be established. One of the most incendiary fuels in all conflict is the absence of ground rules - what is acceptable and what is not. For a list of the ground rules that I recommend, see my blog, Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner. Or if you want to keep it very simple, look back at the passage in Ephesians 4:1-6 where he says be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. When you think about it, these characteristics are almost always lacking when conflict is taking place. What gets in our way? Pride, wanting to get our own way, anger, and our emotions.

Five, you probably will not convince everyone. There are people who don't want to reconcile. There are people whose pride is far greater than their humility and they have no desire to seek a win/win solution. In working with churches in conflict, I don't do very much to try to convince the unconvincible even if they have the loudest voices. I am looking for people of peace and reason who are willing to work together to see the church come together in unity. This does not mean that the issues that have caused disunity are swept under the rug. To the contrary, as principle two states, they are all on the table and those that need to be addressed are addressed. To do that successfully, however, it requires men and women of peace and reason, whose personal agendas do not cloud their emotions.

Who is most likely to leave in church conflict? Those who have taken a hard stand and cannot or will not compromise that stand. Frankly, it is good for them to leave because they will simply contribute to ongoing conflict if they are not willing to come together with the rest of the congregation.

Sixth: It is a process. Church conflict does not start overnight and it does not get settled overnight. It may take a year in some cases to bring the church back to health. The benefits of doing so far outweigh the trauma of either a church split (which damages churches for years to come) a powerplay by a faction in the church (which causes huge trauma to a church and a significant lack of trust) or not dealing with it at all which dooms the church to later issues.

What is needed for a healthy process is a willingness of the congregation to work together recognizing that how they handle their differences will either enhance or diminish the reputation of Jesus. If His reputation is at stake - and it is - I will do all I can to enhance it.

Additional blogs on church conflict:

Negotiating church conflict in a healthy manner

8 Reasons in my experience that churches experience major conflict

Church conflict: Finding the core issue and the common source

Seven things to understand about church conflict

Church conflict, christian character and the reputation of Jesus

All of T.J. Addington's books are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Leaders who neglect this discipline pay for it dearly

There is one discipline that no leader can do without but too many try. It is that of developing meaningful relationships with key staff and leaders or people of influence in their organization. For instance, I regularly talk with pastors regarding board members that they are having difficulties with and inevitably there is also an absence of a meaningful relationship.

This is not about lobbying these individuals. It is about understanding them and they us which only happens in the context of time together. Relationship is the foundation of understanding and where we have meaningful relationships we are willing to give others the benefit of the doubt rather than judging their motives.

My take is that many leaders are so busy doing their thing and building whatever they are building that they are too busy to be bothered by the time and attention it takes to develop meaningful relationships. Eventually this catches up with them when fault lines appear in the ministry and the very people who the leader needs to help them through have lost their confidence and there is no relational glue to hold it together.

This also pertains to leaders with their key staff. It is easy to neglect relationships with staff members, just assuming that all is well. But in the absence of relationships those staff members have no great incentive to stand by their leader when there is difficulty or conflict. This often catches senior leaders by surprise but it is often too late by the time they realize the situation.

All good leadership is based on relational equity. Without relationship there is little or no equity. If you lead anything, make sure that the discipline of meaningful relationships is high on your agenda.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

The Rise of the Dones, why bright and committed believers are leaving the church today

A very insightful article as to why some of the best and brightest are just done with church. It could be coming to a church near you or yours.

The Rise of the Dones

Coming on January One

It is not out till January one but I have the first copies and it looks great. Thank you NavPress and Tyndale. 

Deep Influence: Unseen Practices That Will Revolutionize Your Leadership, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

What I know about leadership today that I didn't know then

Learning to lead well is something that is learned the hard way over time. I took time recently to consider what I know today that I didn't know well enough as a young leader. It is a long list that simply says how little I knew about good leadership as a young leader. The raw stuff was there, but there was and is much to learn. If you fit that young leader category, these may be things to consider.

• Many issues are not as urgent as I think they are. Relax, and don't equate all issues to having the same urgency. 

• Flexibility is critical for good leadership. Most of life is not black and white, and compromise is critical in getting things done. 

• Necessary or desired changes do not need to take place immediately. As a leader, I can only move as fast as those I lead can follow. I need to be patient and sensitive in leading through change.

• I don't need to take differences personally. It is about the mission, not about me. Pushback and disagreements are healthy as long as we can come to healthy solutions.

• The key to everything is relationships. It pays to develop relationships even with those who disagree with me. Mutual respect and understanding come through relationships.

• Anxiety is wasted energy. Don't worry about things that one cannot control. The worst is unlikely to happen anyway.

• I can be wrong, and it does not hurt my leadership. Develop a "nothing to prove and nothing to lose attitude," and one gains freedom.

• Just be me. I cannot lead like anyone else. God made me who He made me, and I need to lead from who He made me to be. Learn to be comfortable in one's own skin.

• Don't die on anthills! It is painful and unnecessary. There are some hills to die on, but not very many. Be wary of which one you take your stand on.

• Don't judge motives. We usually don't know what they are, and almost always, when we attribute poor motives to others, we are wrong.

• Relationships are everything. Influence comes through relationships, so press into those hard with those one needs to work with, even if they seem to be detractors. 

• I should never measure myself against others. That is a false measurement. I should measure my own progress and whether I am better today than I was yesterday. 

• My own inner life must take precedence over all other things. The healthier I am emotionally, spiritually, and relationally, the better my leadership. The inner life always comes first.

• I don't need to change the world - and cannot. What God does want me to do is influence my small corner of the world.

• God is sovereign. When I carry around great anxiety and worry, I am trying to do His job. I can relax knowing that He is always ultimately in control.

• Not all things get fixed on this side of heaven. God is always sovereign, but He does not force people, and there are situations and people issues that I will not be able to fix.

• Humility is at the core of all good leadership. Arrogance and thinking more of myself than I should get me into trouble. We all overestimate our gifts and importance and underestimate our faults and shadow side.

• Emotional intelligence matters a lot. The more I grow my EQ, the better my relationships, leadership, and personal health.

• God died for the Bride and not the brand. God wants me to focus on His kingdom and not my particular evangelical brand. I should appreciate all of his players and not just a few.

• I don't need to compete but to be faithful. I am not in competition with others but rather called to be faithful to what He wants me to do. 

• It is OK that not everyone likes me. In fact, if everyone likes me, I am probably not leading well. Popularity is not the end goal of leadership.

• I am only good at a few things. It is how God created me (Ephesians 2:10) and is why I need others around me. Their gifts make up for my many deficits.

• I can never give enough credit away. As a leader, I give credit to the team and take responsibility for the failures. It is what leaders do.

• God can guard my reputation. This means I don't need to - even when people are obnoxious or hurtful.

• If I am threatened by others, that is my problem, not theirs. The question is, "why do they threaten me, and what does that say about my own inner health?" To the extent that I lack personal security, I must press into those EQ issues.

• Perceived failures are usually just opportunities for growth. What we define as a failure, God is simply using to grow us into who He wants us to be.

• God can superintend my ministry path. He knows where I will be most useful and influential. I don't need to seek success but be faithful to where He has called me.

• Position does not equal influence. I can have as much influence as He wants me to have from whatever position or platform God' gives.

• Success must be measured from His perspective rather than from the world's perspective. God does not measure success the way the world does. My job is to use the gifts and opportunities He puts in front of me for maximum Kingdom advantage. 

TJ Addington is the lead at Addington Consulting. We solve dysfunctional cultures and teams and help you build healthy, scalable organizations of clarity, alignment, and results. If the pain is high, you need Addington Consulting. tjaddington@gmail.com

tjaddington@gmail.com

Characteristics of gracious leaders

I love meeting gracious leaders. There is a quality about them which endears them to both insiders and outsiders alike. They possess a set of important characteristics that all leaders can emulate and learn from. Here are some of the most important.

When they are with you they are focused on the conversation rather than thinking about other things. Being present in the moment when with others is a discipline that says, "you are important," "I am interested in what you are saying." Too many leaders do not allow themselves to be fully present but are rather obviously thinking about other things.

Gracious leaders like to listen and ask questions. In other words they are focused outwardly toward others rather than inwardly toward themselves. They engage in your life, your ministry, your family and you!

Gracious leaders are generous in their praise, thanks and appreciation and sparing in criticism. When they do need to press into an issue they do it gently and clearly but you always get the sense that they care about you and want you to succeed.

They don't hold grudges and have short memories about negative events in the past. Gracious leaders have a way of focusing on the positive while not ignoring the negative. They keep short accounts, let you know what you think even when course corrections are needed and then move on.

The language of gracious leaders is uplifting, encouraging and life giving. That last quality is critical. Think about those you interact with that discourage or drain you. Gracious leaders are the opposite. After interactions with them you are filled and encouraged because gracious leaders are life givers rather than life takers. You want to be around them as a result.

Gracious leaders may be busy but they are never too busy to take the time to stop, acknowledge others and to interact with them. They give the impression that their staff and constituency is supremely important and do so because it is genuinely true as outward focused individuals.

Gracious leaders can be gracious with others because they are comfortable in their own skin and at home with themselves. In other words they have paid attention to their own hearts and inner lives and as a result that healthy inner life spills out in their relationships with others. Their graciousness is both a discipline (how I treat others) and a habit (because they are healthy internally). 

In many ways the Fruit of the Spirit encompasses the character of a gracious leader. It is a worthwhile exercise for leaders to regularly ask themselves if their relationships are characterized by the fruit of love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. The more we focus on these and develop our inner lives around them the more gracious we will become.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

The scourge of sex trafficking: It is happening right now somewhere near you!

One of the great scourges of our day is the trafficking of women and children around the world for the purposes of prostitution and pornography. And it is probably taking place in your community whether in the open or behind the scenes through Craigslist, Backpage and a host of other internet portals. In fact, while we hold the slavery trade of the past as abhorrent, it is estimated that there are more slaves trafficked today than at the height of the slave trade. 

And in many places in the world it is out in the open. This picture from Mong Kok, in Hong Kong at the entrance to a brothel on a public street.

The globalization of our world and the ability to ship goods, services and people around the world has only heightened this scourge. Trafficked women can be found not only in the large cities of our world but in places like North Dakota where the oil fields are bringing in men from across America to work. In other words, this is not an isolated phenomenon to places like Bangkok but it is ubiquitous wherever there are men who are willing to pay for sex. 

Consider these statistics from Equality Now:

• At least 20.9 million adults and children are bought and sold worldwide into commercial sexual servitude, forced labor and bonded labor.
• About 2 million children are exploited every year in the global commercial sex trade.
• Almost 6 in 10 identified trafficking survivors were trafficked for sexual exploitation.
• Women and girls make up 98% of victims of trafficking for sexual exploitation.

What lies behind these statistics are lives ruined, people made in the image of God desecrated and untold misery. They are someone's daughters, boys and girls. Unfortunately in many countries there is little done other than lip service to the problem as corrupt and complicit authorities either profit from this trade or have compromised themselves in it and will not speak out. 

Christ followers have long been the conscience of social ills of our world. This is not an issue we should be ignorant about or afraid to talk about. Pressure needs to be put on governments world wide to actually act rather than sign UN treaties on the matter and then turn a blind eye. Ways must be found to rescue these individuals and help them rebuild their lives, one at a time, into what God designed them to be.

If you want an accessible book to help understand the problem of global sex trafficking, I recommend Slavery Inc. the untold story of international sex trafficking by Lydia Cacho

The International Justice Mission IJM is on the forefront of dealing with this evil issue. Their web site is a great resource. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

When making decisions are you thinking five years ahead?

All leaders make decisions on a regular basis. Often, however we are thinking of the present as we do so - which is legitimate. But, every decision made now has implications for the future which is why we should apply the five year test: "How will our current decision affect us five years from now?" In other words, good decisions are not only made for the present but must take into consideration the future as well.

Let me give an illustration from the world of missions. A mission agency decides that to make significant inroads in a majority world country it will start paying pastors what seems like an insignificant amount of money per month (say $150). They jubilantly watch all kinds of individuals sign up, start churches and they think, "Wow, a small investment for a great return." Yet five years later it has now become a burden to the agency as they can no longer sustain what they once thought was a strategic decision and they have discovered that these churches only reproduce themselves when there is another $1,800 to invest.  Had the decision been made with an eye to the future it might have been evident what the unintended consequences are. 

Many decisions have long term consequences so a good question on major decisions is not simply, "What is the impact now" but also "what will be the impact five years from now." 

This is just as powerful a practice in our own personal lives. Decisions about time with family have long term consequences as do financial decisions and any number of other personal decisions. Wise individuals take the long view of life rather than simply living in the moment. The long view requires more discipline but in the end it is far more productive and rewarding.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Arrogance or humility in leadership is found in how we treat staff

While many have been watching high profile evangelical leaders who have treated staff and congregants poorly, the truth is that this happens all the time in otherwise good evangelical churches and Christian ministries. I routinely see this first hand as I consult and hear regularly from people who have experienced heavy handed treatment. I would say that there is more pain from poor treatment of staff in the church and ministry world than in the corporate world. This is partly because they can get away with it as people are not likely to cause division by broadcasting the issues.

Mistreatment of people is a sign of leadership arrogance. Often boards are complicit as well when they do not verify what they are hearing from their senior pastor or allow what they know to be heavy handed tactics. Here are some common ways that arrogance is demonstrated in the treatment of staff and/or congregants.

One: Staff who try to raise legitimate issues or engage in legitimate dialogue are shut down by senior leaders through intimidation or threats. This is far more common than many people realize. The threat can be for their job (and there are many ways to threaten one's job subtly), it can be around causing division (by a difference of opinion?), ridicule, or a pattern of simply firing those who disagree. When there is fear within a staff culture there is clear indication that intimidation is taking place and there are many churches where this is the case.

One of the most egregious kinds of intimidation is a gag order where staff are not allowed to talk about issues with themselves, with members of the congregation or with elected leaders and  their leadership will not let them into the process of ministry decisions. They are essentially left without a voice, without a place to go with their concerns and live with the fear that if they voice their concerns they will be called to task. All such gag orders are a sign of poor leadership, they are dysfunctional, they lead to toxicity and a culture of mistrust and eventually good people will choose to leave. 

A second sign of arrogance in leadership is when staff are let go without due process. Even with "at-will" employment in many places I am amazed that there are not more lawsuits for staff being fired by senior leaders for highly questionable leaders (I just want them gone) without due process. Sometimes the fired staff are not even told why they are being let go. Due process means a process where the issues are explained, there is the ability for the staff person to defend themselves and if necessary there is a third party present. I have seen countless examples where staff are "gotten rid of" by senior leaders who either don't like them, don't like their opinions or simply want to fill slots with sycophants who will do their bidding - all without true due process.

Even when there are performance issues, the first question should be, has this person been coached and mentored and can we help them get to where they need to go. If many senior leaders were treated like they treat their staff, they would understand what it feels like to be at the capricious will of a dysfunctional leader and it does not feel good. 

Another way that arrogance is expressed in treatment of staff is very simple: not listening to staff, not soliciting their views, and not engaging them in the process of ministry decisions even though they are stakeholders and will be impacted by those decisions. I am always amazed when senior pastors (many when they first arrive and are going to solve everything that is bad in the church - from their perspective) make sweeping unilateral decisions without even engaging their senior staff. It is a fast way to lose all coinage with staff. And it is highly disempowering. 

Why do I call behavior like this arrogant? Because it is clearly all about the leader and what he/she wants and not about the staff. Anytime we mistreat staff we are using our authority and power in ways they were never meant to be used. Nor did Jesus operate this way. Humility is a recognition that we need each other, honor each other, build team and always treat others with fairness, integrity and dignity. Humble leadership may take more time to get some things done but it will build to last with a reservoir of trust. Arrogant leadership can move fast but at the deficit of trust and through using and abusing staff along the way.

A word to elected leaders. Behaviors like this are usually blissfully ignored by boards. Why? Their leader is getting things done or they simply don't want to address it. Ultimately if such behaviors are taking place on your watch you are responsible even if not the agent. Poke around a bit and make sure that your staff culture is as healthy as you are told it is. Often it is not. I know because eventually I get called into situations when they come apart and I always wonder why leaders either did not know or did not intervene.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Six common misconceptions about Teamwork - From the Harvard Business Review

Six Common Misperceptions about Teamwork

Letter of apology to two staff members who where unfairly let go from a group of present and former elders. Worth reading

I was fascinated by a letter of apology from current and former elders at Mars Hill Church to two members of their staff who were put on trial some years ago, found guilty without due process and publicly humiliated them by their communication to the entire church which included "rejection and disassociation" from the church and members of the church. Now, members of the board at that time and new members are calling their actions sinful and asking the forgiveness of these two former staff members. As I read their letter it raised some issues for me.

First, when you shut down legitimate discussion in an organization and take dissenting viewpoints as "sinful" or "disloyal" or "causing division" and shut those voices down with threats, intimidation or termination we create a toxic workplace where candid dialogue is not allowed. Ironically, the issues that these two men were raising, were the very issues that allowed the church to get into trouble and eventually led to the downfall of the church.

As the elders wrote to them, "you each had every right as an elder to openly express your strong concerns about the bylaws and to influence our thinking so that we might have made the most informed decision possible. You also had good reason to contact the church’s attorney about those bylaws. These were not sinful acts of mistrust on your part, but reasonable acts of due diligence. We needed to learn from you at that time and we should have trusted you and respected your spiritual authority as elders of the church to educate us about potential problems with those bylaws. Instead, we silenced your voices through our complicity in your terminations and our decisions to remove Paul as an elder and keep Bent on probation instead of examining the issues more closely."

Any leader that tries to shut down discussion by intimidation is a toxic leader and it is their toxicity that needs to be addressed rather than legitimate discussion over legitimate issues. In our organization we allow "Robust Discussion" on any issue with the exception of personal attacks or hidden agendas. If your organization practices any kind of intimidation for candid discussion, take heed. Often it is the senior leader who leads the charge because they are threatened by voices that disagree with them.

Second, there are thousands of church leaders who owe an apology to staff members that they have treated unfairly, badly and without due process. I was saddened by friends of ours who were fired from their pastoral position without any due process or even conversation around the reasons for the decision. I suspect the senior leader was threatened and led the charge. He had stated he did not want them there. Then when the same was done to him by the elders he wined about what had happened to him. They had simply done to him what he had done to others.

There are many deeply wounded staff who have been unfairly treated by their senior leader and boards have allowed it to happen. If you are guilty of this, please don't ignore the pain you caused, the lack of due diligence you allowed or the actions you were a party to. Make things right. Jesus will one day hold us accountable for how we have treated those entrusted to us. One friend who read this letter from Mars Hill wept because of the pain they had experienced and wished someone would reach out and make it right. Sadly it probably will not happen.

Take a few moments and read this letter of apology 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

God's meta story and a tale of two kingdoms

Fundamental to understanding the meta story of God is to recognize that with the fall and God’s redemptive story there are now two kingdoms at play on our planet. There is the kingdom of evil and the Kingdom of God and the two are at war with one another.

Consider the names given to Satan and his minions: “rulers, authorities, powers of this dark world, the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12). Satan is the prince of one Kingdom. Jesus, however is the king of another kingdom and He defeated Satan on the cross once and for all, even though Satan continues to fight a rearguard war until Jesus returns to rule over all things. But make no mistake, he is defeated but not yet silenced.

Peter puts this in perspective for us when he writes that we are “strangers in the world” (1 Peter 1), and “aliens” (1 Peter 2:11). We were born into this world, but through our “new birth” (1 Peter 1:3) we are now “a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, people belonging to God” (1 Peter 2:9) who once lived in “darkness” (the kingdom of this world) but now live in “his wonderful light” the kingdom of God (1 Peter 2:10). We were born into one world – that ruled by Satan but are now citizens of a different world, that ruled by Jesus.

When Peter uses the word “darkness” to describe the world ruled by Satan and “his wonderful light” to describe the Kingdom of God he is contrasting the utter darkness of Satan and his rule and the magnificent righteousness of Jesus and His rule. As God’s people we live in the light but remain physically in a broken world.

Here, of course is the challenge. Jesus did not take us out of this world when He rescued us. This was intentional. As Jesus said in John 17:15-18, “My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.” 

We were born into one world – that ruled by Satan but are now citizens of a different world, that ruled by Jesus, who has sent us back into the world with His message of hope, redemption and mercy. We are now called to join Jesus in the re-imaging of hearts gone bad and a world gone bad.

I am a third culture kid (TCK). I grew up on Hong Kong until I was 15 and then came back to the United States. I grew up in a culture that was not my home culture and then came back to my home culture which was not the one in which I grew up. I feel most at home in Asia but my home is not there. I live in the United States but it is not my heart culture. Thus the designation, a third culture kid. At 58 I still live with the ambiguities of growing up in a culture not my own and coming back to one not my own. I am torn between the two and like many others who grew up in a country not their own, I have to negotiate the two dissimilar cultures.

This is a picture of our own lives as we negotiate the culture in which we were born (the kingdom of darkness) and the culture into which we have been adopted (the kingdom of Jesus) and must negotiate the two until the day in which we see Christ face to face. It is not easy negotiating the two and yet this is one of the things Jesus showed us how to do in the incarnation. He demonstrated what it looked like to follow the Father while living in the Evil One’s world and in doing so how to be salt and light in that darkness. Jesus engaged the world as He shared the Good News of the Kingdom but he lived by the values of His Father rather than by the rules of a fallen world. He engaged with people but not with the mores of the world.

When Peter wrote his letter to Christians who had been scattered by persecution and called them “strangers in the world,” (1 Peter 1:1), he was acknowledging the difficulties of living as God’s people in a fallen world. He was also acknowledging the clash of the kingdom of evil and the kingdom of light and challenges of negotiating these two very different kingdoms. 

Some Christians over the ages have chosen to withdraw from the world and to see the world as evil. Jesus on the other hand showed us what it is like to engage the world and to see people as His image bearers however tarnished and what it means to join Him in ReImaging images gone bad. Jesus is not in the business of hiding but in the work of engaging and restoring.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Cracks in the atheist edifice in China - a very encouraging update from the Economist Magazine

Economist article on Christianity in China

A short article that every married man ought to read: It is profound

This article from Gary Thomas's blog is a must read for all married men. One simple thought that can change your relationship with your wife forever.

Father-in-Law

Ministries are either built to last or built to fail - think about Mars Hill

It was fascinating but not surprising news this week that one of the famous ministries of our day is dissolving with the resignation of its founder, Mark Driscoll. Come New Year's day, 2015 the Mars Hill Church of Seattle will cease to exist although some of their satellite locations may choose to become independent churches.

There are some lessons to be learned from this. The first is that it is always perilous to build a ministry around one individual rather than a team that is in Jim Collin's terms "Built to Last." Any ministry dependent on one individual faces a crisis if that individual dies or leaves. Such ministries often revolve around a single leader because that leader is fundamentally unwilling to delegate responsibility and authority to others. In my view, no local church should be organized this way and when it is it often reflects a narcissistic leader who needs to control. Clearly there was not a healthy culture at Mars Hill which almost always reflects the DNA of its leader.

Well built ministries have leadership teams not a single leader and they are designed to function well even if the senior leader for some reason leaves that ministry. That structure reflects a greater concern for the mission and the ministry while structures built around an individual reflect a greater concern for the wishes and control of that individual. The first is reflective of a kingdom mindset and the second of a egotistical mindset (with a few exceptions). All ministries built around one individual are fragile entities!

My second observation is that Mars Hill lacked what every good church should have and that is local leadership that is empowered to hold its senior leader accountable and to rein in problematic behavior. Certainly in a church that size there are many highly qualified leaders, yet in the main the board of overseers was from the outside with neither the ongoing context or the ability to shepherd the pastor, let alone ensure that the church was healthy. 

For current leaders to make the decision they have made indicates clearly that they had few good options which is a reflection of the damage Mark did in the past several years, the lack of a structure that was built to last and of a strong leadership team that should have been able to weather the storm. And in case you think this is piling it on, think of the hundreds of staff and thousands of congregants for whom the church was their livelihood or place of worship and you start to understand the enormity of the corporate pain that must be present this week at the news that your church will disappear in two months. Not because there was a planned transition but because the leadership of the organization was so poor there were no good options left.

I also hope, thirdly that all of us in ministry take heed of the lessons of this sorry tale. Our character as leaders counts. Our words, attitudes, decisions and treatment of people matter a lot. I am amazed at how many people responded to Mark's behavior as OK (after all we are all human). Yet the Scriptures are clear that those in Christian leadership bear a far higher level of responsibility for their behaviors and character than others. It is one thing to have a bad day - we all have them. It is another to have a pattern of behaviors that violate Scriptural guidelines and not be called on it. To give Mark a pass because he built a large organization misses the point that success (defined by the world's definition) is never an excuse for not living up to the calling we have in Christian leadership. 

Taken together, the decision this week goes to a failure of leadership by Mark and leaders, a failure to build a healthy organization and a willingness to overlook important issues because people came in large numbers and gave generously. The speed at which it came apart in the end is indicative of deep fissures and a poor foundation. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

The world of me - a growing epidemic in society and among believers

The world of me - life is about me, I am entitled, others should pay attention to me and I have a right to be unsatisfied, unhappy and even angry when things don't go my way is an increasing disease in our western society. And it afflicts believers as much as non-believers which is very troubling since for Christ followers, life is never about us but always about Jesus. It is what Jesus was getting at when He spoke of taking up our cross and following Him. Life was never about us. It was always about Him.

Let me make this very personal. Think of all the conflict in local churches because everyone wants their own way and their preferences become the non-negotiables. And if our church does not satisfy us, we just leave and go elsewhere. Think of pastors who create conflict in their congregation because they are the leader and they want their way. In fact they are entitled to it and are committed to getting it no matter what. This is about the world of me!

Think of friendships easily broken because someone disagreed with us. It is OK if the world is about me! Or, co-workers who must get their way and when it doesn't happen, become difficult and passive aggressive, and will not do the hard work of understanding one another, a non value if the world is about me.

For those who blame others for their issues, who take the credit instead of giving it away, who talk more than they listen and are defensive when challenged, there is a reason. The world is about me. 

We often cater to this thinking when our preaching is about what God can do for us to the exclusion of what we are called to be - followers of Jesus in our hearts, minds, priorities and relationships. If we are not careful, God can become just another distributor of blessings to keep me happy rather than my Lord and Savior who blesses wondrously but also calls us to radical followership. 

There are over 70,000 books on Amazon about "me." It begs the question for each of us as to who life is about in our own lives. And, whether we have been more acculturated by society than by Scripture and its Author. To the extent that life is about us, we miss the fact that the center of our lives is Jesus Himself. True fulfillment and joy comes not from a preoccupation with us but a devotion to Him.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Teaching our sons to be better fathers

Peter Morris
Guest blogger and Christ follower
Op-ed, Washington Post

We need to teach our sons to be better fathers. Here’s how.

Thank you for those who prayed for my surgery

It is Friday morning and I expect to be discharged shortly. I deeply appreciate those who prayed for my bariatric surgery. The procedure was on Tuesday. Wednesday was a tough day but by Thursday I was off of pain medication, walking regularly and eating my special diet (for now). Today I feel strong, am virtually pain free and looking forward to my leather chair, a good book and time with my bride, Mary Ann, at home.

Last night I got a great night of sleep, the first since surgery. The previous night they had been checking my blood sugars every half hour which made sleep nearly impossible. Interestingly, my need for insulin is already almost nil which is amazing. I may be off of insulin within weeks.

I am blessed to have so many friends who took the time to pray. Thank you so much. I look forward to being back to robust health soon. By tomorrow, the blog should be up and running as usual.

God also blessed me with great doctors and medical staff and I was able to share some of my books with them. The first evening on the unit I had a great friend of Mary Ann who provided exceptional care which was a great blessing. Several other of my staff members have been believers. All of them have been professional and helpful.

We are praying that this will put  cap on seven years of health issues that started in December 2007. All of us are ready to put this chapter to rest, thankful for what God has done but ready for a new chapter of life and health. Thank you for praying toward that end.

One map says a great deal about the growth rate of Evangelical Christianity globally

Check out this map on the Growth Rate of Evangelical Christianity globally

A world filled with fear and a heart filled with peace

The acceleration of fear in our world has been rapid: Ebola, ISIS, shootings, terrorism, beheadings, conflict, chemical weapons, have all become the stuff of 24 hour news cycles and indeed are cause for major concern. Many are feeling that there is an increased level of chaos in our world and it is hard to dispute that. And it is magnified by the ability to report from any corner of the world so the accumulated fear factor has a magnified affect. 

Contrast this with the words of Jesus in John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” And then as Jesus was getting ready to leave and return to heaven he told the disciples, "Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you John 20:23).” One of the great benedictions of Paul is found in Romans 15:13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

There is no question that we live in an uncertain and chaotic world. But as Jesus followers we are called to live with peaceful rather than fearful hearts because - we have the peace of Christ - and the person of Christ in every place and circumstance of our lives. Watch the news and the fear grows. Spend time with Jesus and His peace grows. 

There is no need to fear the world or live in fear - none - if we understand that Jesus brings peace to our hearts. It is the peace that comes with His promises and His presence. Yes, said Jesus you will have trouble in this world but take heart, I have overcome the world. Peace I leave with you. Live in His peace today.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

I would appreciate your prayers

This blog is very personal. Some of you know that on December 4, 2007 I went to the hospital with a very serious condition that should have taken my life. In the aftermath of that 45 day stay (31 days in the ICU and most of those in a coma) I struggled to get back to full health. A year later I had another similar stay in an ICU in Thailand and then a third stay in an ICU in Montana this summer. 

After my first long stay, I put on a fair amount of weight which my doctor says is a life threatening condition because of my propensity for lung issues and three episodes of pulmonary failure. Thus this coming Tuesday I will have bariatric surgery to resolve the weight issue (hopefully my insulin dependency) and get back to full health.

I would covet your prayers for successful surgery and a quick recovery. I would love to be back in a position of robust health for the work I do domestically and internationally. I thank you in advance for your prayers.

For those who would like updates you may access those at this blog address which was used for all three previous hospital stays: www.reachTJ.com

"Life is the most irreplaceable and fundamental condition of the human experience"

Joni Eareckson Tada to Brittany Maynard: God alone chooses the

day you die, not you

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Don't wait for a funeral to say what you really want to say

Today I did a short video for a friend who is receiving an award and recognition for his life work to this point. It was a privilege to communicate just a bit of the huge respect and love I have for him. He is a man of integrity, love for Jesus, great compassion, and he lives to please his Lord Jesus.

It reminded me of something important. We all know people whom we love and admire and respect. It is a shame that we do not tell them of our love and admiration more often. What an encouragement it would be to share our observations and feelings. The apostle Paul did this all the time in his letters. He acknowledged people for their work and expressed his love. He called out individuals by name and told them why he did so. 

Our world is full of discouragement. We can bring huge encouragement to those around us by simply acknowledging the good and faithfulness we see. If Jesus was not shy about showing His love and appreciation for those who followed Him, we should not be shy in showing our appreciation for those who have followed Him well and who we deeply appreciate.

To the one for whom I recorded the video I say this: You are a friend, a brother and a great example to many of what it means to follow Jesus. Who can you say that about and will you tell them?

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Some reflections on the Mars Hill situation

Those who read this blog regularly know that I am an advocate for healthy pastors, elders and churches. You also know that I regularly explore issues of dishealth because they impact others in a significant way. Like many, I have watched the situation in Seattle with Mars Hill Church and have some reflections on a number of issues it raises.

Reflection: Never give senior leaders a pass on behaviors that are unacceptable. I have seen this way too often. Boards often ignore behaviors in their senior leader either because he is getting things done or because he is "God's man" and we should not challenge him. Do we not get the fact that the qualifications for leaders are actually higher than for the rest of the church? If that is so, leaders are held to a higher standard than others yet we often give them a pass because we don't want to challenge them. Lets just say - there is no excuse for bad behavior toward others on the part of senior pastors. 

Reflection: Pay attention to trends and patterns. I worked with a church where a long string of people had been fired or let go as at Mars Hill. Yet the board had never challenged the pastor on why it had happened, nor had they done exit interviews on the circumstances that surrounded the staff who left. One may give leaders the benefit of the doubt but where there is a troubling pattern over time, good leaders must wake up and take notice. When I interviewed staff who had left from the church I mentioned, I heard horrified stories of abuse by a senior pastor. Yet the board had not paid attention to a pattern that should have given them great pause. (See my blog, When the bodies pile up).

Reflection: Bad behaviors when not addressed will spill over into the congregation. It would appear that Mars Hill leaders tried to keep the behaviors of their senior leader private. This led to severance agreements tied to non-disclosure legal documents. Rather than addressing the issues it would appear that they tried to hide the issues. Then when it started to go public in social media they seemed to blame those who made the allegations public. Think about this: If you don't listen to people who have been hurt and try to shut them up the issues will spill out because people have a sense of justice. In my personal view, the only reason that this went public in Seattle was that church leaders did not listen to those impacted by their senior leader, take them seriously or deal with the real issue. (See my blog, Eight dysfunctions of church governance boards)

Reflection: Sad as it is, some pastors are bullies and their agenda gets in the way of their treatment of people. One of the most read blogs on my site is entitled Abuse in the Church - When the Pastor is the bully. What is interesting to me is that this blog post gets consistent hits with a current count of well over 3,000. I can see the blogs being read in my analytics and it always makes me sad to see this one being read. Yet just today I received word of another situation that would indicate an unhealthy pastor who is acting like a bully. My question: Why do those around him allow him to get away with such behavior?

Reflection: Bad behavior on the part of senior leaders hurts the reputation of Jesus. Unhealthy leaders give those around them grounds to become cynical of the church. After all, when people are hurt, marginalized, mistreated, inappropriately treated or fired by the very people who are charged to be their shepherd - and are undershepherds of Jesus, what would one expect? Sometimes the very pastors that are trying to make their ministry accessible to unbelievers are the ones who sabotage those efforts by their own behavior. When public behavior is different than private behavior there is an obvious character flaw that must be addressed.

Reflection: When issues like these are not addressed in a timely fashion they hurt the bride of Jesus. We are watching Mars Hill let staff go, close venues, cut budgets and struggle to deal with the aftermath of the issues that have surrounded their former senior leader. They will be a wounded body for a long time to come and I lay the blame on the senior leader and church leaders who could have and should have done something about it a long time ago. All I can say is that it is very sad and a lot of innocent folks will be caught in the middle. 

The drama at Mars Hill is sad. We need to reflect on the lessons we can learn from their situation and ensure that it does not ever happen in ours. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.

Words that should strike fear in every Christian leader

There are two statements of Jesus that ought to strike fear in every Christian leader. They are these: "Apart from me you can do nothing" (John 15:5), and "Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me" (John 15:4). The reason those are frightening words is that we are so used to doing things with the latest strategies, our fine education and great resources (in the west) and it is very easy to forget that eternal results only come from connection with the eternal God. That is the other side of the equation, "If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit" (John 15:5). The key is the closeness of our connection with Him.

What keeps Christian leaders from staying intimately connected with Jesus and dependent on Him in their ministries? I would suggest four common reasons:

• Pride. We simply think that we can do great things by ourselves because we have an inflated view of our own abilities and we chase our agendas over God's agendas - of course with the appropriate spiritual language to give it legitimacy.
• Busyness. We are too busy doing His work to really spend much time with Him. We begin to think that He will bless simply because we serving Him.
• Resources. We have the training, education, money and personnel to get things done so we simply go for it.
• Forgetfulness. We forget that the key to everything we do is our connection to Him.

We can indeed to much without God's help but we cannot do anything of eternal value without it. Fruit comes from Him alone and that is all about remaining in Him, in which case we will bear "much fruit." Ironically it is in doing less and abiding in Him that we actually see more because He is the the one who produces the fruit.

All of us would do well to regularly read and meditate on John 15. How are we doing in staying connected to the vine? How are we doing in "remaining in Him?" It is the leadership essential that we talk too little about as it is central to our success. 

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 discount on orders of ten or more.