Controlling conversations

Whenever a conversation starts to feel uncomfortable and one that seems to be deliberately putting you in a corner rather than allowing for freedom of dialogue, pay attention! Conversations that don't feel good or safe probably are not. 

This is not about conversations where two parties might disagree with one another. That is normal. This is about conversations that feel designed to control you, force you to a specific conclusion or force you to agree to something that you don't feel comfortable agreeing to.

Feeling uncomfortable in a conversation is often a sign that you are in an unhealthy conversation that will not end well if it continues. More about that in a moment.

Some people are masters at manipulating others. Most of us are not but the warning signal to us is a feeling of discomfort. That manipulation can come in the form of vigorous debate designed to get you to agree. It may come in the form of veiled or not so veiled threats if they are in a position of authority. It can come in the form of anger which one wants to dissuade, often by agreement. It may come in the form of "facts" that are not facts at all but broad generalizations that sound true but leave a question in your mind. I recently spoke with an individual regarding some issues of disagreement and he kept saying, "T.J. you know...." He was using gratuitous language to flatter me into agreeing with him.

Manipulation is just that. And its sign is discomfort or a feeling that this is not a two sided conversation but a one sided conversation. Manipulation is trying to force other to agree with us. It reflects dis-health in the one using it and we should be aware when it happens.

How can I respond if I am feeling manipulated or controlled in a conversation. Here are some suggestions:

• "It feels to me that you want me to agree with you and frankly I don't."
• "I think it would be helpful to have a third party in on this conversation because I am feeling pushed to agree with you."
• "Is this a two way dialogue or must I agree with your point of view?"
• "While I respect your opinion, you need to know that I don't agree with you but it feels that I must if we are going to keep a relationship."
• "I am feeling uncomfortable with where this conversation is going and I would like to put it off for another time."

With any of these comments you are gently but honestly calling the other party on their behavior and your discomfort. They are not used to people confronting them and will usually back off. Whatever you do, don't be manipulated by manipulators.

Criticism is easy. Real solutions are not!

Wise leaders observe things closely but do not criticize things quickly. As critical thinkers they are always aware of gaps between where we are and where we desire to be but they are also aware that closing those gaps is not as easy a proposition as it may seem. 

In my experience, criticism is often directed primarily against other people while the real problems are often systems and processes more than they are people. Thus the criticism of people rather than thinking critically about the process or system is often unfair and misguided. It also then becomes personal when the real solution is usually impersonal.

A few years ago I became impatient about our ability in ReachGlobal to deliver on our clarity at the team level. I pushed my senior staff rather hard to close the gap and I think they felt the pressure. When I finally hired a consultant to help us think through our processes the solution was actually pretty simple - some simple tools to bridge the gap between our vision and clarity and our execution and the problem was not inherently with people but with our process. I had been somewhat critical of leaders when the solution was a simple tool that we now use regularly. The problem was not people but process. 

That insight spawned a whole new set of simple tools for us that actually come out of lean industry and manufacturing but which we call ministry excellence. When something is not going right we have  a tool to examine and understand the process we use and almost always the solution is in the process or system, not in a negligent individual. Usually we not only solve the issue but find other efficiencies as well.

Today I am far slower to criticize people and quicker to ask about our systems to find out why something is not working the way it should. Sometimes it does come down to a person who is in the wrong place but more often than not it does not. I also want to resist the easy criticism that pervades so many organizations.

What leaders wish their staff understood about their role

There are many things leaders wish their staff understood about what they do. While there may be a  mystique about leadership, the realities are very different. So on behalf of many leaders, this is what I wish my staff understood (and many do) about what my life looks like as a leader. I am sure many other leaders have similar thoughts - if they could share them.

• On most days I love what I do. It is how God wired me.

• My greatest discouragements are not from the outside but from what people do or say within the organization.

• Criticism is easy. Real solutions are not! I don't have the luxury of criticizing. I must find solutions.

• I respond poorly to cynicism toward leaders and leadership. My calling is a calling just as yours is.

• My work never goes away, not even on vacation. Not Ever! Ask my children and my wife!

• Part of my job is to clean up messes that others make - quietly. 

• I don't mind criticism but I do have a heart (really) and how it is conveyed is important.

• It can be a lonely job as I cannot share everything that I am dealing with.

• Even leaders need encouragement when it is sincere.

• If you wonder what I do with my time it is all on my calendar and you may see it. I share my daily schedule with those who pray for me on a monthly basis.

• I desire the same respect from my staff as I give to them.

• I need your prayer daily. I pray daily for wisdom, favor and empowerment. I know how frail I and needy I am.

• If I sometimes seem distracted, please don't take it personally. I have a lot on my mind seeking to integrate all that our ministry does rather than simply one facet of the ministry.

• When I travel I take all my work with me including the hundred fifty plus emails I get daily. While others can disconnect, leaders cannot. Mornings start early and evenings end late. Sleeping in hotel beds 150+ nights a year is not a perk but a challenge!

• I have the joy and responsibility of sharing the blessings of success with our staff (who make great things happen) and taking responsibility for failures (no matter who made it happen) when they occur. 

• When I make a mistake it is more visible than when you do. I may require a lot more grace as well because of it. Some notice when you blow it. Everyone notices when I do.

• While I wish I could, I cannot meet all the expectations that people have for me and must focus on those things that God clearly wired and gifted me for. It is hard but necessary to say a gracious no. By the way, like you, I am only good at a few things and those are the ones I need to focus on.

• Because of my leadership visibility I will be misunderstood for things I do and say no matter what. I wish for the same grace and benefit of the doubt that I give to others. 

• When I do create questions I would prefer you ask me what I meant rather than talk to others. They don't know my heart, I do. I am always willing to talk.

• As a leader I can be a friend to staff (and want a highly collegial ethos) but there are boundaries because of my leadership role. Not all understand this.

• I am not the leader who came before me and not the one who will come after me. I am me! 

• Like you, I am accountable. All of us are including me. Like you, I answer for my decisions and work. If anything, my accountability is higher because my responsibility is higher.

• There are many things I don't have answers for and will not pretend that I do. I do a lot of thinking and pondering and dialogue and learning. I have learned that answers to complexity does not come easily. 

• I am deeply appreciative of the staff I work with. Whatever we accomplish is a team effort. I thank God daily for every one of them.

• As I said, on most days (including today - so far)  I love my job!

A prayer on election day

Our Father in Heaven:

We ask today that you would be gracious to us today as a nation. We don't deserve your mercy and grace but we humbly ask for it. We confess our shortcomings as a nation and realize that you are the only solution. We confess our corporate sins and ask for your mercy and forgiveness. We pray that your grace would cover our nation as the waters cover the sea.

No matter what the outcome of the election we know we are a divided nation. We pray that the church itself may be a source of healing to our country and that the Gospel can become well known.  May our confidence not be in any party or elected leaders but in a sovereign God who reigns supreme over all nations and peoples. 

Give us as your followers a Christian world view that no party or platform can articulate. Help us to think Christianly about the social, political, ethical, and global issues of our day. May we daily seek your mercy, ask for your wisdom, pray for our leaders and for the peace of our globe. Help us to reflect your mercy, to act with your justice and to walk humbly before you in all things. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven for the glory of your Son.

May our minds, hearts, priorities and relationships be renewed daily through your Holy Spirit. May our Jesus centered lives be a challenge to all those we come into contact with. May your concerns become our concerns and your love our love! May your Name become well known and your reputation lifted high through the love of Your chosen people. My You be our highest priority, our greatest love, and our deepest concern!

Amen

Leaders and their reputations

A byproduct of leadership is a level of viability that many of us don't really want but which comes with the territory. Along with that visibility comes a vulnerability from those who are unhappy with us for decisions that are made and who choose to take shots at our reputation in return. Sometimes it is out of spite and anger. Other times it is out of a lack of understanding that we are not at liberty to clarify. Either way it can be painful for all of us care about our reputations.

This can be especially painful for leaders who have a need to be popular. That is an unhealthy need for leaders. We should desire to be respected but we give up the contest for popularity if we choose to lead. Inherent in leadership is the need to make unpopular decisions at times. 

Leaders are naturally targets when those they lead or others are looking for one. While there are many ways in which leadership can be a deeply fulfilling calling, this is not one of them. This is one of the costs of leadership rather than one of the perks. It is a cost we willingly take on with leadership which is why Peter says that leaders need to be willing to lead. 

How do leaders handle the painful shots that come their way? First, we must realize that ultimately our reputation is in the hands of God. David realized this in Psalm 37 and 73, two Psalms that have been of immense help to me over the years when the the missiles were particularly painful. 

Reputation management by ourselves does not work but God is completely able to handle our reputation in His way and in His time. When we focus on managing our reputation we are focused on the wrong thing. When we focus on doing what is right we are focused on the right thing.

While leaders are not able to share everything, a candid, open spirit can go a long ways to generate trust and understanding. The more open leaders are, the more accessible they become to those they lead. And, while others may not keep their emotions and anger in check toward us, it is important that we do toward others, even those who may not deserve it. Except on rare occasions, and with purpose, leaders seek to de-escelate conflict even when it is targeted at them. This is why I write so often on issues of EQ and leadership. The ability to manage our emotions is a large part of good leadership.

The ability to dialogue with those who become our critics can in many cases win them over, especially if we can speak honestly without losing our relational connection. This does not work with black and white people for whom you are either right or wrong but it does work with reasonable people. When your critics understand that you desire to hear and understand their point of view, even if you don't agree with them, it helps build bridges rather than walls. This is usually a learned skill and a very important one.

This is not possible without a non-defensive spirit, even when we are the targets. Defensiveness escalates the issue while non-defensiveness de-escalates. This is not an easy thing to do in the face of unkind words or actions but one that is a necessary leadership trait. The issue, after all, is often not really about us but about the organization and its direction and philosophy. The more impersonal we can keep the issues, the better chance we have to see resolution. The more we can keep issues impersonal and relationships personal, the better chance we have at resolution and understanding.

None of this means that we simply accept behaviors that are damaging to our organization or team. There are times when we need to be defining and clear about words and behaviors. This is not about us but about the health of the organization. When doing so it is critical to put it in writing or say what needs to be said in the presence of another so that there is clarity and accountability. 

Leaders bear greater responsibility than others especially when they become targets fairly or unfairly. How we respond to shots at our reputation is a test of our leadership.

Personal reflection is only as good as the mirror one uses

Have you ever looked into a distorted mirror and seen a distorted image? Mirrors are great when they are well made. In the same way, our own personal reflection is only as good as the mirror that we choose to use in doing so.

Many people use those who are their greatest fans as their mirrors for personal reflection. It is convenient and exceedingly comfortable as these individuals will invariably tell us what we desire to hear. And what we want to hear are positive reflections.

King David knew the dangers of syncophants who simply told him what he wanted to hear. In the Psalms he does deep personal reflection in prayer and in the Word. What he finds is often not what he wants to see (Psalm 51) but to his credit he responds to the image he sees of himself as measured against the image of God.

If we neglect our mirrors and they become smudged and dusty, they cannot reflect back a sharp image and that is what happens when we neglect the world for any period of time. Our reflection is best when we use it regularly and keep it clean.

David also learned the value of those who would reflect back his behaviors in the person of Nathan who told him a story of injustice that struck David to the core when he understood he was that man. The value of people around us who can gently but honestly tell us the truth is huge in our spiritual growth.

In prayer we experience time exposure to God who will invariably speak back to our spirit. In the Word we have the sword that cuts to the marrow of our lives and in trusted friends we have others who can speak truth to us. These are mirrors we can trust. Many other mirrors will fail us and tell us what we want to see but not necessarily what we need to see.

It's a level playing field

Over lunch recently a friend said to me "You are very important leading an international mission! How do you do all the things you do?" I looked at him and said, "I could never do what you do, how do you do it? (he ministers to gangsters in Hong Kong and is on staff on a church full of former and current Triad members, prostitutes and redeemed underworld figures - many very much in process). 

None of are more important than others in God's kingdom. In the world there is a pecking order based on titles, salaries and perceived importance. In the Kingdom all of us are simply asked to live out the gifting and calling that He has gifted and called us to. That is why what I do is not hard - for me! That is why what my friend does is not hard - for him! In fact, in the Kingdom, those who would be great become servants like Jesus. In His economy the last shall be first and the first shall be last.

We have different roles but we have equal value. We have different giftings but we have equal importance. We need to honor each one in God's kingdom for each is indispensable to what He wants to accomplish. There is no A team and B team: only His team. When we give undue honor to some and not to others we miss the values of His kingdom where the playing field is level and everyone is needed! This is just one of many areas where the values of our world are opposite of the values of the Kingdom.

The emotional EQ of team leaders makes all the difference

Teams are only as good as the Emotional Intelligence of their leaders. Poor EQ makes it virtually impossible to lead a healthy team. Signs of poor EQ include anger, defensiveness, inability to listen well, micromanagement of team members, inflexibility, needing to have their own way, lack of empowerment, to name a few.

Understanding our own selves well and the ability to understand others is a critical skill in any leadership position and ought to be part of the development plan of every leader. The better we understand ourselves and others, the better we manage our emotions (a critical element in EQ), the greater our skill in negotiating conflict and the better we practice the twin issues of empowerment and accountability the better we can lead. Leadership is always about people before it is about strategy and process.

How do we grow in these areas? One is obviously to do personal study on the subject of EQ which can give us a knowledge base. Another is to do personal testing whenever possible that allows us to understand ourselves better. 

I believe, however, that the most helpful practice is to solicit feedback from trusted friends and colleagues about how we are perceived, what we do well with people and where we could do better. The reason feedback is so critical is that there are simply certain aspects of our behavior that we are blind to. Others, though, can reflect back observations that once we become aware of we can pay attention to. 

Because leaders traffic in relationships, people and teams growing our EQ is absolutely essential to our success as leaders and to the satisfaction of those who work with us and under our leadership. Our EQ impacts the whole organization or the part of the organization we lead. For this reason, boards ought to mandate ongoing personal development of their leaders (many businesses do) as well as pay for it. 

Professional development (our particular skill) is important but personal development which includes EQ is just as important for any leader because it impacts those they lead.

Blessing other ministries

I love to help others in any way I can and I love to watch the reactions of those who are not used to someone offering help with nothing expected in return. This is particularly true among Christian leaders who more often compete with one another than collaborate. Or, who are simply too busy focusing on their stuff that they lack the time to add value to fellow leaders.

For me it is about kingdom influence which is a driving force in my life. I want to see the bride (the church) be all that it can be and the gospel expand to every corner of our globe. Thus, anytime I can help other leaders or ministries I am contributing to the Bride and the expansion of the Gospel regardless of whether it helps the organization I lead.

My point is that we often think of ministry expansion as defined by what our ministry does. But if we are willing to look for ways to contribute to the success of other ministries we actually leverage our influence in significant ways – even if we never get credit for it. If we care about His Kingdom we will not only work hard to lead our own ministries well but we will work hard to bless other ministries as well.

That is why ReachGlobal willingly gives away any tools it develops, any systems it has and any lessons we have learned. It is not about us, it is about Him. It also keeps us from a competition mindset. To the extent that we help other like ministries (missions and the church) we bless the growth of the church. It reminds us that we are servants to our own organization, to God and to the mission of the Great Commission. We learn much in the process because we develop new friendships and relationships.

There should be a fundamental difference between the business world (where it is all about competition) and the ministry world (where it is all about cooperation). Any time in ministry we compete against one another we are actually competing against God who is Lord of our ministry and every other ministry. When I help other ministries I bless God and the mission He has given the Church. I would rather bless God than try to compete against Him.

Why ministry teams actually do matter!

I am a great proponent of teams in ministry. I lead through a senior team in ReachGlobal, sit on the senior team of the EFCA and we organize all of ReachGlobal's personnel in teams. This is not leadership by committee but leading through team.

Here is how we define a team: A high-impact team is a group of missionally aligned and healthy individuals working strategically together under good leadership toward common objectives, with accountability for results.

It is interesting to me that the New Testament has a lot to say about teams. When Jesus picked His disciples it was a team of 12. When the first missionaries were sent it was a team of two. When church leadership was established it was a team of overseers or elders. When there was a ministry need in the early church a team of Deacons was established.  Is there in fact a theology for ministry teams? I believe that there is.

Ministry teams reflect the theology of the gifting that God gives to each one of us. We are given specific gifts which means we lack other gifts. It is in the complementary use of those gifts that we make the best decisions and get the best results. I have leadership gifts but don't do process or details well. I need someone who does the details well and someone else who is process oriented to name just two of my many deficits. In team, though we find the complementary gifts that are so important.

I am convinced that the current emphasis on healthy teams in the workplace is simply a reflection of the way that God uniquely gifted us in specific areas and that the theology of God given gifts - which means we need one another - is being played out in the secular arena as we learn more about strengths and weaknesses. 

Doing ministry in a team setting is harder than doing it alone in some ways. It means that we have to interact and cooperate with others. Even Paul and Barnabas could not make that happen early in their career.  While there are certainly people who are not compatible with us it is also true that having to cooperate with others is one of the means that God uses to grow us. Even Paul seems to have realized that he was wrong about John Mark as he speaks fondly of him later in life.

I have found that ministering in a healthy team setting forces me to grow because I must listen to other points of view, agree to group decisions and be flexible with my own desires. In fact, it is the inability of certain people to bend their will to common decisions that is the nemesis of many teams (think church boards). 

Working in team is a great counterbalance to our natural autonomous nature that simply wants to do our own thing. It is a check against our pride and our tendency to make rash decisions. I have been saved from many potentially unwise decisions through my interactions with trusted team mates. It is very rare for me to deal with any difficult situation by myself. It is in the wisdom of several trusted counselors that the best decisions are made.

One of the prerequisites for those who lead through team is a degree of humility. Even as a leader I must submit my will to the team I have brought around me. They are loyal and cooperative but in choosing to lead through team all of us including myself are subject to the group process. I am both the team leader and a member of the team. It is not what I decide but what we decide together. This is a good thing for leaders as healthy leaders must be able and willing to follow as well as to lead. Which is why unhealthy leaders don't lead through team but choose autonomy.

A counter-intuitive idea for celebrating success

We love success in ministry or in our personal lives. It is a sign of God's blessing through the years and each of those blessings we can celebrate for He is indeed the cause of our success. But I have a suggestion that can make that celebration even more interesting.

Why do we celebrate our successes along the way? We do so to mark those places where God has been especially good to us and brought us to where we currently are. However, if we really want to understand God's goodness to us why not choose the greatest failures along the way and hold them up as the milestones of our journey. God was good in our success  but He was magnificent in our failures as He took those failures and made them into something we could never have fashioned from them.

In every failure there is some work of redemption. In every failure there is a work of God's grace. In every failure there is humble recognition that the failure that should have brought disaster brought something good after all, not because of us but because of Him. Think of your life from that perspective! Think of your church from that perspective! Think of the story of redemption from that perspective! 

Nothing humbles us and lifts up the Father than the way he takes our failures and redeems them for His glory. This is one place we cannot take any credit. This is one place we cannot share any of the glory. This is one place where He takes His rightful place and we ours. And it is a good place to be!

The empty promises of materialism

Empty, empty, empty, is life full of stuff and devoid of God. Materialism and the chasing of material wealth has great allure but its promises are so very empty. Like a bottomless pit, there is never enough, the goal line keeps changing and the accomplishment of our goals leaves us wondering where the pay off is. Things cannot fill the God sized hole in the human heart (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

Material blessings are granted to us by God for our enjoyment (Ecclesiastes) but were never meant to bring life its meaning and they cannot. When we substitute stuff for God, when we focus on things for fulfillment, we purchase the ultimate lie of the Evil one. And we do purchase it, one item at at time. Ever expecting some lasting and meaningful benefit but which fades so very quickly. 

The Old Testament prophets laugh at those who worship stone or wood images and it is indeed laughable if not sad. We would never do such a foolish thing. Instead we worship shiny and sophisticated items including gadgets and things on wheels with engines. Is my new HP computer in yet? And why do  I need to stand in line for my new I Phone 5? Cool stuff but not any to give my life meaning.

I am thankful for all of God's blessings, including the material ones for they meet needs and allow me to share with others. They are resources not life givers. Jesus is the life giver and that is one thing we must never forget. Don't buy the lie, one item at a time hoping they will add up to some ultimate meeting. And I have a great deal for you on an I Phone 4S!

When conflict is a good thing

You may be surprised by the title of the blog but the fact is that there can be significant value in conflict if it handled correctly. I am not talking about conflict that arises from poor EQ or power games. I am talking about the conflict of ideas, methodology and priorities.

Why can this be a good thing? For one, it reveals that there are issues that are not clear among those who are experiencing the conflict. Lack of clarity is never a good thing (see yesterday’s blog) so the very fact that there is a lack of clarity gives you the opportunity to work through the issues and come to clarity on an issue that needs clarification.

In addition, it is in the clash of ideas that the best solutions are found. That is why the best organizations today are relatively flat where information is available to all and where it is OK to press into things that we believe need pressing into. Where robust dialogue cannot be had, you have an organization that will suffer because of it. The ability of staff to be able to be candid with one another and their leaders is a barometer of the health of the organization.

One of the common mistakes in conflict is to personalize it rather than to keep it de-personal and seek to identify the clash of values, ideas, or outcomes that has caused the conflict. Getting to what lies behind the conflicting views can help us understand the root issue(s) and allows the group to think through the implications of those root issues. This takes a non-defensive posture by all and a willingness to allow the robust conversation that needs to be had. Often, when you dig to find the root issues – and this only happens in dialogue – you realize that there is an important issue at stake and it was the conflict that brought it to the surface.

Healthy groups have learned the skill of non-defensive conversation and have the ability to keep the conflict centered around issues rather than people. That is a learned skill and a sign of healthy emotional intelligence. It also allows you to use conflict to your advantage rather than allowing it to control you.

What should leaders want to know?

Leaders need to know certain things. Not all things but certain things. Too many leaders want to know the wrong things rather than the most important things. There are four categories of knowledge that are always critical to their success.

First, what is my staff thinking? Too often we assume we know what staff is thinking but we find we are wrong because we have not asked. I want to know if my staff is as passionate about our mission as I am. I want to know if our staff is concerned about issues that I am not aware of. I want to know if there are opinions that have not been shared. Staff is your key intelligence about what is actually going on and whether they are in alignment with you. If you don’t ask probing questions or if staff does not perceive that one wants to actually hear them, you won’t know.

Second, how happy is my staff? I friend of mine once did a consultation with a well known ministry and warned the leader that there was a high likelihood that he would lose key staff members over some dysfunctional organizational issues. The leader didn’t want to hear, didn’t believe the analysis and made no changes. Over the next several years, almost all the key leaders migrated out of the organization.

Staff happiness is impacted by many different issues but some of the most critical include: a compelling vision; ministry clarity; a challenging job; an empowering supervisor; and a collegial ethos. How do you know if staff is happy? Just ask! I ask regularly, “What is your happiness factor (on a scale of 1 to 10)? Almost always I get a candid answer and follow up with questions as to what would make it higher.  In doing so, I am made aware of important issues, some of which I may be able to change.

Third, what do I need to know? That is a common question I ask key staff members. They know a lot of things, much of which I don’t need to know as their leader. However, I trust them to tell me what they believe I need to know. Good staff is intuitive about what they wish their leader was aware of. Asking them this open ended question gives them the opportunity to share what they believe I need to know Follow up dialogue offers further insights.

Four, bad news and potential threats. One of our rules in ReachGlobal is that we don’t like surprises. We know that things will go wrong. We know that there are potential threats to what we do but unless our leaders or staff shares them with us, we cannot act on them.

There should be no surprises to the leader of an organization or to team leaders. Thus, in ReachGlobal we have the SDR rule (Sh** disclosure rule). We know things will go south from time to time but tell us when they do! We will do an autopsy without blame, learn lessons and move on.

Proactive leaders pay attention to the key issues they need to know on an ongoing basis.

Board development

Boards, whether church boards or ministry boards are like any other team that constantly needs to be growing, learning and evaluating its own effectiveness. Too often, we think that because we were put on a board that we have arrived and are among the learned. The truth is that most church and ministry boards are deeply in need of learning better practices and raising the bar on what they do.

But few boards in my experience have an ongoing commitment to growth or a plan for development. I also find board members who are resistant to growth. They are, after all, board members. Ironically, learning boards get more done, get better work done and help the ministries they oversee go to new levels because they themselves have taken a humble learning posture rather than a proud oversight posture.

What are some of the areas that boards need development in?

·       Group process

·       Decision making

·       Conflict resolution

·       Understanding differences in gifting and therefore perspective

·       Efficient meetings

·       Helping the organization get to clarity

·       Developing new board members

·       Ministry evaluation

·       Understanding what is board work and what is not

·       Role definition between staff and boards

·       What a good board member looks like

·       How to evaluate itself

Here are some suggestions for board development. Read several books a year together and set aside some time at one monthly board meeting to dialogue about what you read. Pay attention to blogs on boards such as you will find on this site and others. Periodically bring in someone who knows boards and can do some board training. Pay attention to ministries that resource boards. The bottom line is to be intentional about growing and learning as a board so that you continue to help your ministry develop. Humble, learning boards are the best boards.

Developing as a board is not ancillary work but a primary role of all healthy boards.

Self-deception

Self deception plagues us all to one degree or another but in its severe forms it can be the undoing of ministry leaders and cause significant pain to others.

How would one define self deception? It "is a process of denying or rationalizing away the relevance, significance, or importance of opposing evidence and logical argument. Self-deception involves convincing oneself of a truth (or lack of truth) so that one does not reveal any self-knowledge of the deception" (Wikipedia). The Skeptic's Dictionary puts it this way: "Self-deception is that process or fact of misleading ourselves to accept claims about ourselves as true or valid when they are false or invalid. Self-deception, in short, is a way we justify false beliefs about ourselves to ourselves."

The inherent problem with self deception is that because we have deceived ourselves, we are unable to spot it in our own lives. A friend of mine told a colleague of his that he was self deceived in some critical areas. The colleague pushed back and said absolutely not! Well, how would you know if you were inquired my friend? He went on to point out that the only way for us to be made aware of significant self-deception is for others to point it out. It is something others see but we do not see it. David was self deceived over Bathsheba and it took an outsider, Nathan, to confront him and for David to realize his deception.

This means that the more accessible I am to others, the more likely it is that others can point out self deception in our lives. It also follows that the more isolated we are, or the more resistant to the observations of others, the more likely I will continue down a path of deception until an event is triggered where I am forced to face my issues. The latter is sad because it brings with it far more pain than would have been necessary had we faced our deception early on.

Satan loves to deceive and he is a master at helping to deceive us. In its most deadly form, deception allows us to break ethical and moral boundaries and to fully justify it to ourselves. Thus, we justify an affair, or stealing, or the way we treat those who work for us. After all, we are doing important things and we start to believe that the end justifies the means. Such justification is at the root of many harmful behaviors to ourselves and to others.

Self deception can come in many forms. I may believe that I am a better leader than I am, or may be blind to behaviors toward others that are hurtful. I know of many leaders who have lost their jobs in ministry because they were self deceived about how their staff saw them.  They assumed they were leading well and paying attention to the needs of staff while staff were feeling abandoned and micromanaged. I have also seen leaders deceived about their relationship to their boards until one day it all comes apart.

Because all of us have areas of self deception which are a threat to our leadership or followership, what can we do to minimize the potential damage?

One: We need to be constantly aware of the potential that we are deceived and evaluate our lives carefully and honestly.

Two: We need to have others around us who have permission to speak to us in the event they see blind spots or areas of deception. Wise leaders actually ask the question of those whom they trust around them because they are committed to personal health. Unwise leaders don’t ask and are not open to feedback. I once had someone accuse me of being responsible for issues in his life because I didn’t confront him with what I saw. What he did not realize is that he never asked and he sent very strong signals that he was not open to feedback. In fact, I had already had prior reason to push in on issues that he subsequently ignored. Eventually his world fell apart. He simply was not open to feedback.

Three: It is never a happy day to be confronted by a Nathan. We need to be willing, however, to seriously consider what others see in our lives, evaluate it carefully and respond non-defensively. Defensiveness pushes away feedback while transparency and non-defensiveness invites it.

Four: Invite the Holy Spirit to show you areas of deception. This was David’s plea in  Psalm 139: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Five: Read Leadership and self-deception. It will challenge you deeply.

Don’t be deceived over your own self deception!

I was wrong

Those are hard words for leaders (and others) to say. In fact, they are so hard that you rarely hear them and when you do it is not that direct but some softer variation. Spin and circumlocution are not the purview of politicians alone. 

Leaders don't like to be wrong. The best leaders work very hard to anticipate unintended consequences of decisions and mitigate against wrong decisions for the good of the organization. But all of us blow it from time to time: A bad hire; words that hurt; actions that disempower; strategies that betray us and the list could go on.

Often when that happens we try to explain our way out of it. Why we did it, what we missed, why it was the right thing to do at the time - as if any of those things mitigate against the fact that we were...well...wrong. 

How refreshing it is when a leader simply says. "I was wrong." Those around them know the truth anyway so a candid reply beats a defense of ourselves every time. 

I know leaders who have left a string of broken relationships behind them because they were unable to admit their errors when they violated other people or did not keep their word. You cannot restore broken trust without first admitting that you were wrong. Hard but necessary words. 

The hardest words are the most important words. Others know it is hard and they respect those who can say them. It models a transparency and humility that is much needed in leadership circles. The irony is that we lose respect when we hang on to our pride and gain it when we admit our mistakes.

I will forgive you because....

It is hard to forgive someone who has hurt us badly. Often times it is someone very close to us which is why the hurt is so severe. One of the lessons I have learned over the years in ministry is that we are more likely to be hurt by someone inside the Christian family than from the outside.

The question always is, should I forgive those who have wronged me - especially when they have not acknowledged the wrong and then, how do I do it when the pain is so severe?

I believe there are always three reasons to forgive.

First, Jesus tells me to. He does not tell me to forget, it will not happen. He does not tell me that the pain will disappear: it may fade with time but may never fully depart. He does not tell me that everything will be OK: it may not be. He does not say it will be easy: sometimes we have to forgive over and over and over as the pain and anger and betrayal refuse to go away. What He does say is to forgive (Matthew 18:21-22). This is one command that is a hard command. It is not fair or just or a natural thing to do. It is one of the hard sayings of Christ.


Is this not why holocaust survivor Corrie Ten Boom forgave those who committed the most heinous crimes against her? Her father and her sister Bessie died at the hands of the Nazi's and she endured the infamous Ravensbruck prison camp.

Corrie recounts the day she forgave her SS guard:


“It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain blanched face.

He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message Fräulein”, he said “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.


I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your Forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

Second, Jesus forgave me. It is the parable of the unmerciful servant, Matthew 18:21-35. It is also a hard saying: "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." We have no standing before God when we say, "I will not forgive you for what you did to me" because Jesus forgave us when we did not deserve it. Our offenders may not have deserve our forgiveness - but we did not deserve an even greater forgiveness from Jesus. The truth is that none of us deserve forgiveness from God or from one another. He gave it freely and so we are to give it freely. From one undeserving recipient of grace to another undeserving in need of grace.

Third, bitterness is bondage while forgiveness is freedom. The bitterness that comes from holding on to grievances no matter how large or small is a prison. Here is the irony: when we are wronged the pain can be great but when we refuse to forgive the pain is greater and longer and even more bitter because we now must live with it daily. And this pain is self inflicted. The only way out of our own prison, the injury done to us by others and the injury done to ourselves is to forgive. It is in that act, which may need to be repeated over and over that our own freedom is secured. I refuse to be imprisoned by offenses done to me by others. In forgiveness I find freedom.

What I wish I knew as a young ministry leader

Failure is OK and God has a way of redeeming it

I don’t need to be right

The expectations of others should not define me

Criticism should not be taken personally

I don’t need to prove my worth

My ministry is not what gives me value

Emotional Intelligence is critical to leadership

Anxiety is always wasted energy

You cannot defend your reputation but God can

God cares more about who I am than what I do

God does not solve all issues this side of heaven

Expect the greatest pain from fellow believers

God is always sovereign over our biographies

What every ministry needs to know about clarity

The issue of organizational clarity: why we are here; what we hope to accomplish; what spells success and what are our non-negotiables is more important than we often understand. Here are some key things that we must understand about ministry clarity.

One: Maximum Clarity is the single most powerful accelerator of ministry results because in stripping away the ambiguities of what we are about, all parts of the organization can line up their arrows in the same direction. The corollary is that lack of clarity decelerates ministry effectiveness because energies are expended in different directions.

Two: Without clarity one cannot have alignment in the organization because there is nothing to align around other than general dreams or hopes. Without alignment you will not attract the right people, or the best people who want to know where the ministry is going and how it intends to get there.

Three: Without maximum clarity you cannot measure your progress. Frankly I think that some leaders don’t want the accountability of clarity because then progress can be measured. This is why so many reviews in ministry settings lack objective measurements. Without clarity you simply don’t have them.

Four: Getting to clarity among leaders, staff and boards raises to the surface differing views as to what the ministry is really about. I have seen this played out over and over. I will be told that there is significant agreement about the ministry and its direction but when you start to clarify those issues you realize that there are in fact competing ideas and visions. The good news is that in the clarifying process you surface those differing visions and settle on one compelling vision.

Five: Getting to clarity is some of the most difficult but rewarding work leaders do. It forces them to think about the most important issues of their work, identify direction, non-negotiables and what is central to what God is calling them to do and to be. There is nothing more rewarding when there is a general “Ah Ha” in the room that we got it right and that we can give our energies to a common direction and mission.

Six: Clarity is the missional glue that gives the organization meaning, definition, and purpose. It moves people from doing good things to doing truly important things together.

Spirit empowerment

The first guiding principle of the organization I lead, ReachGlobal, is that we are Word based and Spirit empowered. It is very much influenced by John 15 where Jesus talks to the disciples about what it means to abide in Him. I am always sobered by His statement in that discourse that “Without me you can do nothing.” I wonder how often we try to do things without Him, relying on our own resources, ideas and creativity.

There are 7 components to our ReachGlobal Sandbox Guiding Principles as it relates to Spirit empowerment. As you read them, think about your own ministry and how you define what it means to be Spirit empowered. While none of us do this perfectly, what would our ministries look like if we lived these seven commitments out?

1.     Hearing – We must be actively growing in our confidence of hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit and intentionally taking time to wait upon God to hear Him.

2.     Discerning – We must be growing in discerning His leading, direction, and will for our lives in all the different ways He reveals these to us.

3.     Obeying – We must live a lifestyle of obedience to the Scriptures, to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, to His will for our lives, and also having a healthy submission to those in authority over us.

4.     Abiding – We must live out the truths of John 15 in our calling to intimate relationship with our heavenly Abba.  We affirm the fundamental necessity of spiritual intimacy with God before we can have fruitful ministry impact with others. A core expression of this intimate relationship with Abba God is a lifestyle of healthy dependency on our Sovereign Lord.

5.     Praying – We must live out another core expression or ancillary of this abiding relationship, the continual conversation with God which we call prayer.

6.     Expecting – We must maintain an ongoing posture of faith, expecting that our Almighty God, because of who He is, will do the extraordinary, the miraculous, both in and through us and our ministries.

7.     Anointing – We must regularly seek and ask for the supernatural empowerment of the indwelling Holy Spirit in our lives and ministry which the New Testament calls anointing. This empowerment may express itself through a wide range of occurrences, gifts, manifestations or events produced by the Holy Spirit and which are determined only by Him.

The dangers of arrogance in leadership

Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions (Webster). 

Arrogance is one of the potential pitfalls of leadership, especially for highly gifted leaders whose drive and ambition combined with a high degree of self importance and a lack of accountability fuel an ever heightened sense of imperious assurance. 

What are the signs of leadership arrogance? 

Self importance. Arrogance is, after all, all about self. These are leaders who truly believe that they are somehow different from normal human beings. They often speak about what they are doing in extravagant ways and rarely ask about what others are doing. Their focus in on themselves, their ministry and their contribution to the kingdom. The common theme is that it is about them.

Imperious assurance. This is a grossly over confident attitude that what they are doing is right, that it will always work and is often combined with extravagant claims. Any time you hear someone say that what they are doing is going to change the world or the church or something forever, beware. It is often simply the extravagant assurance of an imperious and arrogant mind.

Superiority. This is the natural outcome of arrogance. The belief that one is superior to others and that the decisions they make are better decisions than what others could make. This often plays out in marginalizing other good people because they are by nature not as good or bright or strategic as themselves. The way to elevate oneself is almost always to de-elevate others in some way.

Unaccountability. Arrogant leaders will never admit that they are unaccountable but what they often do is to simply ignore those who  disagree with them (even if it is their board or close colleagues) and do what they are intent on doing. Because the rules do not apply to them and because they are so confident that they are right they simply forge ahead with their agenda regardless of the voices that try to speak into their lives or plans. 

If someone becomes an obstacle to them or strongly disagrees with them they are often marginalized and shunted aside. Arrogant leaders listen to those who fuel their self importance and discount those who don't. Often, those who were once close are discarded once they take the risk of disagreeing with them.

A force of nature. A force of nature is an apt description for highly arrogant leaders. They simply go where they want to go and do what they want to do regardless of who or what is in their path. In many cases, people intentionally get out of the way because being in their way is dangerous. Often boards or colleagues are unwilling to go up against them because the push back is so severe and the ability of arrogant leaders to sell their case and negotiate their way to what they want is exhausting. 

This is nothing other than raw intimidation to get their way. They know it but they also know that they can do it and that others will often scatter. Arrogant leaders are often highly skilled in manipulating those around them to get their way. That manipulation may be flattery, intimidation, anger, marginalization, negotiation, or just stubborn wills that refuse to be bent. What it amounts to is that they intend to get their way no matter what.

Risk and adrenalin. Massive arrogance causes unhealthy leaders to take risks that healthy leaders would never take. They posture the risk as game changing moves that will yield some amazing result. Often, it is risk and the adrenalin of running at warp speed, fueled by situations that must be solved (by them of course) that feeds their ego and need for stimulation. 

This is particularly dangerous in a ministry setting because it puts the entire ministry at risk if decisions are made that compromise it, and arrogant leaders are prone to take risks that others would not. Those risks are usually more for the fulfillment of their own ambitions than for the sake of the ministry they lead. They feed on crisis and complex situations that only they can solve.

It is not unusual for other leaders to not even know of some of the risks that the ministry has been subject to because in their unaccountably many arrogant leaders don't feel a need to disclose everything. They tend to disclose what they want people to know and keep close to their vest what they don't want to be known.

It should be obvious that these characteristics of arrogance are not only signs of dysfunctionality (think narcissistic personality disorder) but dangerous to the ministry they lead. In many cases, these leaders eventually crash themselves and the ministry they are leading. Often they move on and never acknowledge the damage they have done. In fact, their take is that whatever happened is someone else's fault. It is how they are wired because life is about them.

Whatever you do, if you see these characteristics, don't ignore them.

An audience of One

Have you ever thought about how much time and energy we expend in trying to live up to the expectations of others? Authenticity means that we no longer need to work to prove something but that we can simply be who God made us to be and our highest goal is not to please people but to please an audience of One – our Father. Again, that is freedom!

With humility comes a nothing to prove, nothing to lose view of life which leads to authentic living. Authentic living is about being who God created us to be and not a pretend us or someone else’s version for us whether they be our parents, our in laws, or others. The question is no longer what I have to do to please other people but what I need to do to please God.

I remember the pressure I felt as a young pastor to be whatever a pastor is supposed to be. I put expectations on myself and others put expectations on me and pretty soon it was hard to be me. I worried too much about what people would or did think. I took certain peoples criticisms too deeply. I felt like a failure too often. I had something to prove and a lot to lose which is not a fun way to live life.

My main question today is what do I need to do to please the Father. Not only will I not please everyone else but that is not the call on my life – or yours. Pleasing the Father is. His priorities for my life, time, energies and heart are what count. He is the One we will give account to one day. No one else’s opinions will matter on that day.

Two deadly distractions

There are two distractions that each of us face in our lives - and which all church leaders fight against with those they lead. They are the distractions of the numerous options that we have for our time and attention which often keep us from intentional and Christ centered living and the distraction of selfishness which keeps our focus on me instead of Him.

I love the options that our world affords us. Options that just a few years ago were not readily available. Those options, however, are both a blessing and a curse. They are a blessing if carefully chosen but a curse if carelessly lived.

I am often reminded of Ephesians 2:10, that "We were created in Christ Jesus for good works which he prepared in advance for us to do." Each of us has a mission in life designed by God. That mission is connected with the gifting and wiring He gave to us and He wants us to use them on His behalf. This is our highest priority.

The options for how we spend out time often crowd out the very ministry that Christ created us for. Accidental living and busyness are the killers of intentionality and focus. Options are great - as long as I keep my focus first on what it is that Jesus has for me to do on His behalf. I love the options I have in this life but if our love for Jesus is primary we keep Him central, His work central and are not distracted from our central focus by all the ways we can spend out time and energy.

The second distraction is even more difficult than the first. Is life about me or about Him? The selfish natures of our hearts keep pulling us back to thinking that life is about me. It impacts my interests, my energy, my activities, my money and my priorities. Going back to Ephesians 2:10, we are reminded that life is not about us but about God.

Getting this right is a game changer in our lives. It changes everything and impacts our philosophy of life, the way we structure our lives, the world view we embrace and the daily activities we pursue.

In fact, conversion is all about recognizing that life is not about me but about God. It is not simply a ticket to eternal life but a revolution in our perspective on everything.

Each of us fights these two diversions. Our personal challenge is to get these right. Our ministry leadership challenge is to help others get it right as well.

The value of having the right people on your team

I am constantly reminded in my own organization, or those that I interact with how important it is to get the right people in the right seat in order for the organization to flourish. When we get the wrong people in place we pay a heavy price for as long as they are there and it becomes a drag on the ministry momentum.

When you have the right people:

• The job is not viewed as a job but a mission to be accomplished


• Very little supervision is needed because they take the initiative


• Bureaucracies are minimized because there is a high degree of empowerment and responsibility


• Trust is high because you have healthy people who put the mission above all else


• Cooperation is high and silos are minimized because the mission is the key glue that holds the team together


• Excellence is the norm


• New ways of doing things are regularly explored


• Turf wars are virtually non-existent

Take a moment and think about the key players you have. Do they meet the characteristics of the "right people?" With the wrong people, the opposite characteristics will often show up. There is no substitute in a healthy organization for getting the right (and healthy) people on your team. Don't neglect leadership principle 101.

Should a church be run like a business?

Often when I work with church boards to clean up crazy making governance systems someone will be concerned that we are moving to run the church like a business. How does one answer that question when we know that a church is not a business?

The first part of the answer goes to the job description of elders (or the senior leadership board of a church). Unlike a business, their job is laid out in Scripture: Ensuring that the congregation is taught well, cared for, released into ministry, protected, and led in healthy directions. And, they have a ministry of prayer for the church (often not practiced much as they are so busy doing management stuff). So, the focus of their work is very different than is the bottom line of a business - adequate profits.

The second part of the answer is that the reason business organizes itself in efficient ways is to maximize their effectiveness and minimize the waste of time and energy. This ought to be true of church boards as well. Any governance system that helps us do what we do better for the sake of the mission of the church makes sense. The simple principle is that how we do what we do matters and our way of doing board work should serve what we are trying to get done.

Think of the issues faced by many church boards:

• Inability to make decisions in a timely manner.
• Long board meetings
• Revisiting decisions multiple times
• Lack of clarity on what is staff responsibility and board responsibility
• Not enough time to prayer and thinking as time is eaten up by administrative issues
• Preponderance of day to day management issues robbing the board of time to think about the future
• Lack of clarity as to where the church should be going
• Board members who hold up the process or violate board practices
• Lack of clarity on what the board is supposed to be doing
• Inability to move through agendas in a timely manner

All of these kinds of things are time and energy wasters which ultimately hurt the ability of the leadership to lead well and which ultimately hurts the ministry of the church. So, how well a board manages itself, creates systems for its work has a direct impact on the ministry effectiveness or lack of it for the entire congregation.

Thus my answer to the question to should we run a church like a business is no and yes. The no is that the job of elders is different than business leaders. The yes is that the governance systems may well look like those in a business because they are simply good practices that help you achieve what you want to achieve. Those good practices actually help you do what God has called you to do as leaders well. 

When business is not led well they go out of business. When churches are not led well they plateau and go into decline. How we lead matters in both business and ministry settings. We change our leadership practices in churches in order to maximize our ministry effectiveness. What we do in ministry is very different than in business. How we do it may look very much like how we do it in business.

All of T.J. Addington's books including his latest, Deep Influence,  are available from the author for the lowest prices and a $2.00 per book discount on orders of ten or more.

Partnerships in missions: Five key principles

I am a huge proponent of partnerships in mission efforts. One of the guiding principles of ReachGlobal is that "We are partnership driven." Those partnerships can be with local churches in the United States, churches internationally, other ministries and missions and church planting movements. 

Partnerships, however, are delicate things and hard work. Here are five guidelines to consider for healthy partnerships. 

One: Partnerships are worth pursuing when we can accomplish more together than we can alone. The silos that exist in local church, denominations and mission agencies simply because we are focused on our particular brand are not healthy. If we are going to reach cities and regions for the gospel it will be with a coalition of the willing, not by ourselves. 

Often we don't pursue partners in ministry because our own vision is so small we think we can do it alone. That is unfortunate. We ought to have a God sized vision that only He can make possible and which often requires the efforts of several rather than just one party. 

Two: Healthy partnerships are not based on well written MOU's but on deep relationships of trust. When groups move toward common efforts before there is a high level of trust and relationship those efforts are in jeopardy.  In ReachGlobal we are far more interested in relationships with our partners than with MOU's which in the end are only as good as the relationship anyway. While a memorandum of understanding may be helpful for clarity, it is a secondary issue to trusting relationships.

Too often in ministry partnerships there is management of the strategy without adequate management of relationships. When there are tension points in the partnership it is the trusting relationships which help the parties move forward and solve the issues. Thus relationships must be nurtured in any good partnership.

Three: Partnerships only work when there is both theological and missional compatibility. We don't have to agree on all fine points of doctrine but we do have to have evangelical orthodoxy along with a missional mindset to see the Gospel expand in a significant way. We will not move forward with any partner unless there is compatibility in both areas.

Four: Healthy partnerships respect the autonomy of each party. Here is how we define our "Partnership Driven" guiding principle: "We are committed to carrying out the Great Commission in partnership with local churches, national partners and like minded evangelical organizations. Healthy partnerships include mutual cooperation without either party losing its identity or ability to work toward its intended objectives." When either party seeks to control the other the partnership becomes unhealthy. 

This requires a level of humility on the part of both (or all) parties because in healthy partnerships there is mutual collaboration on how we will together reach our intended objectives. Whenever one party tries to impose its agenda on another it is no longer a true partnership. Organizational and personal humility is a prerequisite for healthy partnerships. It is not about us but about the vision that we are pursuing together.

Five, partnerships are based on clear, common objectives that all parties are committed to pursuing. Where there is ambiguity on objectives, partnerships will inevitably become murky and ultimately fail. The glue that unites like minded partners is both trust and a common vision. It may well be that different parties play different roles in achieving that vision but common vision cemented with trust and relationship is a strong combination. In addition, when that common vision is the result of ongoing concerted prayer together it moves from our vision to His vision and captures the hearts and imaginations of all concerned.

We need to think partnerships far more than we do. But, we need to  build those partnerships for health and strength based on these five criteria.