Pride and Christian Leadership

Personal pride and Christian leadership are fundamentally incompatible with one another. 

Signs of pride are easy to spot:

• Loving the praise we get from others
• Name dropping - we are on the in with the big shots
• Letting others know how big and successful our ministries are
• Not listening to others - we have the answers
• Letting others know we are in charge
• Taking credit for success
• Blaming others for failure
• Ignoring our shadow side
• Narcissism (there is a lot of it in Christian leadership) 
• Elevating ourselves
• Defensiveness (pride central)
• Putting others down

Think about this: Pride elevates self but we are to elevate Jesus. Pride says "I accomplished this" when in reality anything of spiritual significance was accomplished by God's power. Pride says, "I made something of myself" when in fact God gave us our skills and wiring as a gift to be used for Him. Pride thinks that our success is a reflection of our greatness when in effect, it is simply a gift from God.

If anyone had a right to pride it was Jesus but where do you see it? He claimed to speak the words of the Father, do the will of the Father and gave all the glory to the Father. He lived for the Father's glory rather than His own. When His disciples vied for position and glory He rebuked them saying that they were living by the world's values not kingdom values. 

The life of Jesus was one of humble dependence and servant leadership. Paul had the same mindset committed to boasting about one thing only - the cross of Christ. He took no credit for his accomplishments, great as they were but gave all the credit to God. He knew that "when he was weak, then he was strong," because it was all about God's power, not his wisdom or power. 

Why is there so much pride, so many egos and may I say it, narcissism among Christian leaders? It does not square with the life of Jesus or the life of Paul or the teaching of Scripture. We are nothing without God. My ability to write blogs and books is simply a gift I have been given. The leadership skills I have were also a gift from God to be used in trust for Him. What do I have to boast about except that God was gracious to me? And if I do take the credit am I not stealing credit from the One who rightly deserves all of it?

It is no wonder that many Christian leaders have major blow ups in their lives and ministries. Pride elevates self and minimizes Jesus and the greater the elevation of ourselves and the minimization of Jesus the more dangerous territory we are in. Narcissism is the ultimate elevation of self and rejection of Him. Once it becomes about us we have lost all ability to lead on His behalf. It is not that God abandons us, we have abandoned Him for all practical purposes.

It was pride that caused Satan to rebel against God. It was pride that prompted Adam and Eve to eat of the tree. It is pride that causes us to elevate ourselves but to the extent we do we are minimizing God. And that is a dangerous path to walk. Our hearts are indeed deceitful above all things. Guarding our hearts against pride is job one of anyone in Christian leadership. 

Bride over Brand

This week I had a remarkable set of meetings with 20 movement leaders in Africa. All of them represented different denominations and countries and all of them were together for a week to discuss how they could work synergistically together to send missionaries, see church planters trained and to reach those parts of Africa where the gospel has not penetrated.

What is remarkable is that they were placing the Bride (the church of Jesus) over their particular brand (denomination). 

Bride over Brand is a mindset that should pervade all of our efforts to spread the Gospel. This does not mean that we must give up the distinctives of our brand. It does mean that we are willing to actively cooperate with others for a higher goal of seeing the Bride expand, knowing that our brand is one small expression of the Bride that Jesus died for.

This takes a mindset that "we will cooperate rather than compete." It is a humble posture that knows that no one of us can do this by ourselves and that we have a lot to learn from others. It is a kingdom rather than a provincial mindset that places the Bride in its proper perspective. It is a Jesus mindset above all that values what He values - that all men might come to believe. 

I long for the day when this kind of mindset prevails across Christianity. When it does, we will see the Gospel spread in ways that we cannot imagine. Until it does, we will continue to do our own thing, not realizing that we are better together than separate. 

What is your mindset? What are you doing about it?

Sustaining vision for the long run

We all know that vision leaks - which is why many ministries that thought they had a common vision wake up one day and discover that it is no longer true. 


Almost every ministry leader has vision - and believes that everyone in his/her organization know that vision. But ask around and in many cases what the leader thinks others know is not so. Or, they may tell you, it is the leader's vision, not theirs. Shared vision is evident when everyone in the organization can tell you where the ministry is headed.


Every ministry faces the question, "How do we sustain our vision for the long run?" 


It starts with having a God sized and God given vision in the first place. People are not captivated by small dreams but God sized dreams. When we have a vision that is larger than us and which can only be accomplished through God's power, and which significantly contributes to His purposes, it is a powerful thing.


There are many pseudo visions in ministry that have more to do with buildings and expansion and personal success than they do with reaching people for Jesus or true life transformation. Here, vision is used to achieve the ends of a leader rather than to serve the cause of Christ. Real vision has everything to do with the expansion of God's Kingdom on earth (Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven), not the expansion of our kingdom on earth. When vision is about Him it motivates. When vision is about us, it manipulates.


Real vision is a shared vision. It makes sense to the group who will carry it out and as a group they are committed to seeing it happen. It may start with a leader (Nehemiah) but it must become shared by the entire organization. 


Vision must be able to be communicated clearly and concisely in ways that everyone can get it. Memorability of vision matters a lot. Long vision documents are never remembered but simple, understandable vision that is repeated time and again will be.


Every vision needs an evangelist who not only deeply believes in what God is calling their organization to do but is constantly communicating that call. You cannot over communicate vision but the fact that most organizations don't have a common vision is proof that you can under communicate. All leaders in the organization should be evangelists for where God is calling the ministry. If they are not, you don't have a shared vision.


Prayer around one's vision is a critical factor because if the vision is from God, spending time in His presence, asking for his empowerment to make the vision a reality changes our hearts and gives us a resolve and commitment that comes from Him.


Vision means nothing without results. Communicating those results encourages people to keep pressing forward. Vision without tangible results creates cynicism, as it rightly should. Celebrate the wins as they come. And, organize your time, energy and resources so that they are all contributing to seeing the accomplishment of your vision.


As you think about the vision of your organization, compare it to these markers of sustaining vision for the long run. How are you doing?

Ministry pay scales

In my work with churches and Christian organizations I am often privy to their pay scales. And to be honest, they often bother me - specifically three observations.


1. There is far too great a differential between the senior staff and those who are in the next level down. Boards appropriately ensure that their senior staff are well paid in most cases. However, they are less careful to ensure that the rest of the pay scale is pulled up so that there is not an undue gap between the top and the next levels down.


I rarely quibble with the senior staff salaries I see. In my circles they are moderate and not extravagant. Often they do not reflect the scope of responsibility that these leaders have. But, the gap between their fair pay and the next levels down I often have a quarrel with. Which leads me to a second observation.


2. We often do not pay our lowest staff a fair wage but as little as we can legally pay. This includes building engineers, clerical, and administrative assistant level folks. My question is why? If our pay scales are appreciably lower than what the market pays why would we be OK with paying salaries that are not comparable with the market? If a pastor is worth his wages (and we can quote the scripture on that one) why are not others? 


I give honor to the many underpaid workers in Christian settings but I am sad that we of all people do not treat our staff with the dignity due them. Is this what we want to be known by? 


3. It amazes me but I still see differentials at times between what men are paid and women for the same or similar positions. As a society we have gotten beyond that in most good workplaces. We need to get beyond that in our ministry settings.


I have several suggestions.
First, look at the differential between your top paid staff and the next levels down and ask if it is fair and appropriate. 


Second, take some time to look at all salaried positions and ask if there are any that look odd to you - too high or too low.


Third, spend a few dollars or go to any number of free sites to get comparables for like positions in the marketplace to see where you sit.


Fourth, where adjustments should be made, come up with a plan to make them over a period of months or years and review your salary structure every three to four years.


We do not serve a cheap but a generous God. Let's be generous with our staff whom we say are the heart of our ministry!

When the true us shows up!

Who is the real me and the real you? Sometimes we are not who people think we are as there is a public persona of who we hope people see us as and the real us that is not always in alignment with that persona.

The real us does pop out from time to time and it comes in interesting ways: when we face a deep crisis, when we are unjustly accused, when we are confronted over an issue in our life or when we lose our jobs. All of these situations (and I am sure more) bring to the surface that which is most deeply hidden in our hearts. Here is where the true test of character lies - for better for worse.

Most of us pay too little attention to the words of Jesus that what comes out of a man is what is actually in a man. Most of us can manage our emotions and actions well enough in public forgetting that the most authentic version of us is being forged deep in our hearts in quiet times and hidden places that others do not see. This is where our deepest convictions are forged, our most authentic faith is developed and our character is hammered out. 

When crisis comes it is those convictions, that faith and that character that emerges in all of its depth or shallowness. Because it is in these times that we don't manage our emotions and responses well. Rather what is there is what emerges for all to see. Often it is not pretty. Sometimes is it amazingly Christ-like. The difference is what was forged in the deepest places of our lives. 

When faith, patience, trust in God's sovereignty and kindness toward others, even our accusers shows up in a crisis situation you know that it comes from a core of spiritual health. When bitterness, anger, accusations,  and self serving actions and attitudes show up in crisis you know that it comes from a core of spiritual dishealth.
For what is forged on the inside is what will surface in difficult times.

Who is the real you? The authentic you? Are you forging in deep places and quiet ways the faith, character and convictions that will show up unexpectedly when hard times come - as they inevitably do? The test of our true self is not how we act on a good day but how we handle ourselves on a truly bad and awful day.

Are you an evangelical functional deist?

This blog is likely to make some uncomfortable. My observation is that many who call themselves followers of Jesus, at least in the west, are functional deists - they don't believe in their heart of hearts that Jesus breaks into our lives or our situations personally to do the unexpected, the miraculous or speak to us personally. It is as if there is a God in heaven who does not break in and work in our lives personally.

Thomas Jefferson was one of the most famous diests among the founding fathers. He actually modified his Bible by taking out all references to the miraculous. His god was a small god who set the world in motion and let it move along according to the natural laws of nature and no natural law of nature had room for the miraculous. We would never modify our Bibles but do we harbor doubts in our mind just as Jefferson that our God does not do the unexpected and miraculous today?

Well, God is a God of surprises who loves to challenge our thinking. Here is a great example from a member of ReachGlobal's staff in Africa - in his words

"The day was fresh.  New.  My heart was still and waiting.  As I sat quietly on the upper floor balcony of my house overlooking the hills of the city, I just praised the Lord for this new day.  I spent some time reading and listening . . . and then began a time of rested listening prayer.  I enjoy these kinds of times many mornings where I just want to SOAK with Jesus.  Just rest in His presence and not have to accomplish anything.  I want to hear His voice.  I often ask for that one simple thing:  “Jesus, I just want to hear Your voice.  Speak to me.  Tell me what you want me to do.” 

"As I sat there in my wicker rattan chair, legs crossed and arms folded, I heard something that surprised me.   I just heard these simple words:  “Go to the hospital and pray for Clarice.  Ask me for her complete recovery.  Try me and I will do it.”  Our dear national friends who are part of our church family had just been married in the last two years and had been expecting TWINS!  At the birth of the children, Clarice suffered a massive stroke.  A young Cameroonian mother . . . having just birthed a beautiful boy and a beautiful girl . . . experiencing a life-altering, life-threatening, life-scrambling STROKE.  Our hearts just ached.  We felt sorrow and we wondered what God would do.

"Now, here I am sitting on my balcony and God simply says in a quiet, clear voice:  “Go and pray.  Ask me.  Try me and I will do it.”  My eyebrows went up.  I shook my head.  I literally said OUTLOUD, “You’ve got to be KIDDING!?!”  And then I prayed:  “Lord, that was YOU, wasn’t it?”  I knew it was.  It was a direct answer to my prayer:  “Jesus, I want to hear Your Voice.  Speak to me.  I will do what you want me to do.”  And I remembered the prayer months earlier that my teammate, Arthur Ellison, had prayed over me in one of our team meetings, that I would pray for people’s physical healing as God might prompt me.

"Well, after wrestling with this for three days and then repenting from a lack of faith and wondering if God was really serious, I decided to take HIM seriously.  My wife and I and our national pastor and his wife got in the car and did exactly what God asked me to do.  As I stood over her bed, wearing a mask and gown—one visitor allowed at a time . . . I simply told Clarice what I felt God had asked me to do and prayed over her and anointed her with oil.  She received . . . eyes bulged open, not herself in the slightest.  She worked to speak at all . . . and said . . . “Thank . . . . . you.” 

"My wife went in, my pastor went in, then our pastor’s wife spent a few minutes with her—only to tell us on the way home from the hospital that night this unbelievable report:  “Clarice told me that she had a vision just three days ago, that God came and told her that YOU needed to come and pray over her for healing.  She has been waiting here three days knowing that you would come.  And . . . that God would heal her.” 

"I could hardly believe what I was hearing.  The same day He spoke to me, He spoke to her.  What a confirmation that God is clearly, actively wanting to do extraordinary things IN and THROUGH US!  We need to expect!!  WE need to yearn and hunger for His miraculous and simple voice to show up each day.  Then, we need to just yield and do as He asks. 

"Clarice was told she’d never walk.  She would most likely never speak and may be bed-ridden the rest of her life.  Well, all praise to God—she not only walks, she runs.  She not only speaks.  She speaks French and English and her mother tongue as well!  She sings.  She smiles.  She testifies and evangelizes.  She shares with everyone what God has done for her!  She is a happy and proud mother of two beautiful kids.  Her husband Claude never doubted for a moment that God would bring his wife back to her original self.  And . . . by God’s great grace, He has done JUST THAT!

Humbled and honored,  Jeff Brown"

As one who has experienced the miraculous myself, I am no functional deist. Not only do I believe in the power of God to break in but I would not be alive today if He had not.

Invite Him into your situation, or the situation of someone who needs it. He may surprise you.

Cheap can be costlier than you think

One of my frustrations in working with ministry organizations is their propensity to choose cheap over whatever it takes to do a job well. It is as if cheap is close to God's heart and anything else is extravagance and a waste of money. 

There is another guide that is neither cheap or extravagant. It merely asks the question, "What will it cost to solve this problem so that our needs are met well and we have stability in this area?" Doing it the cheapest way will usually neither meet needs or give stability. Paying more than we need to may be cutting edge but is often beyond what we need. 

Take a ministry that has struggled with technology for years. A solution would not be expensive as they are small but the lack of stability, connectedness and right software has cost them dearly in lost productivity and staff frustration! That lost productivity is far more expensive than if they had spent the money necessary to maintain a stable system. The difference is that the cost of an unstable system is hidden and can easily be overlooked.

Cheap also translates over to how we often do staffing in ministry. In our desire to save money we frequently hire at the lowest possible salary level and often (not always) get what we are willing to pay for in terms of experience and professionalism. What if we reversed that trend by paying competitive rates, hiring the very best and staffing lean? We would get a higher caliber of help, with greater capacity and need fewer people. Instead, when we hire at the lowest wage level possible we often end up needing more people.

Cheap is often far more costly than people realize. The shadow side of cheap is that it can get you the wrong people, solutions that don't work and hidden expenses that you cannot quantify but are surely there. And since when is cheap some kind of Biblical value? 

Instead of cheap, ask this question: "What will it cost to solve this problem so that our needs are met well and we have stability in this area?"

Where are our Christian Statesmen and Stateswomen today?

With the loss of yet another christian statesman in the person of Chuck Colson and a generation that is leaving us it begs the question as to who will carry that role in the future. When Billy Graham goes to be with Jesus the most visible statesman of our generation will be gone and in many ways his voice has been fading already.


Because many of us can play that role in our small corner of the world I have been reflecting on what the characteristics of a Christian statesman or stateswoman would look like. Here my thoughts.


They are deeply grounded in Jesus and in a thoroughly Christian worldview. These are people who think deeply about the issues of society and how those issues intersect with the values and priorities of God. Issues like justice, fairness, the ability to speak in the public square, bringing our deepest values into the marketplace and  congruity between what we espouse and how we live. Chuck Colson, John Stott, Francis Schaeffer, Mother Theresa and Timothy Keller are examples of those who have bridged the sacred/secular divide through a Christian worldview. Each brought or bring spiritual wisdom to bear on the challenges of our society.


They are publicly non-partisan individuals who build bridges instead of walls. One of the great barriers to Christian statesmanship today is the divisiveness of our political system. I honor each individual of faith who works in that difficult environment but by its very nature it is partisan and dividing rather than bridge building and uniting (with few exceptions).


Jesus is not the God of the Green Party, the Libertarians, the Republicans or the Democrats. He is the Lord of all and His truth supersedes all partisan squabbles. Thus it is a huge mistake for those who would speak for God on any issue to become spokespersons at the same time for any political party. We do speak to issues that are close to God's heart. We do not marry our position with a party because God is not the God of any political party. In western democracies, no party has a corner on the truth and all have a corner on some truth.


All of us have political views but Christian statesmen and women speak to the issues that transcend any party. They speak from a position of truth, not politics and from a deeply held Christian world view. In doing so they can build bridges across political parties and do what politics can only rarely do - bring people together rather than divide.


They are deeply humble individuals who are not looking for personal fame or recognition. Here is an irony. While power, fame and position are the coinage of our world, people are drawn to the truly humble who are not trading on any of those but only on deeply held belief and truth. What else did Mother Theresa have? Certainly no power or position and her fame (what she did not ask for) was a direct result of her humble service. Mother Theresa could speak truth in places of power where it made people deeply uncomfortable because of the power of her very life.


The minute that humility gives way to pride, the Christian statesman or woman have lost their ability to speak with clarity on any subject and indeed the desire to fan the flame of adulation will cause them to modify their message because truth is rarely popular in the long run.


They are diplomatic and loving even in their truth telling. One of the reasons that Christian states-people build bridges is that they are kind, compassionate, humble and kind with people - especially those who disagree with them. What soul was more kind and gentle than John Stott? Who could not like his self effacing personality, easy smile and kind actions? Why was it that Chuck Colson, one of the most partisan individuals prior to his faith could build bridges that transcended politics? Even when Mother Theresa was at her feistiest who could get in her face?


When prophets get angry they lose their audience, with good reason. Christian states-people reflect the character, attitudes and relationships of Christ. 


I don't know who the next Christian states-people will be, at least the prominent ones. I do know that all of us can live out these qualities in our corner of the world, with the people we know and perhaps hundreds of thousands of smaller Christian states-people is more powerful than an well known handful.

Prayers of the People

For Brook, Heather, Paige, and Roger who all need our prayers.


I have the joy on occasion to attend an evangelical Anglican church. One of the things I deeply appreciate in their services is the emphasis on prayer. Prayers of the people, prayers of confession and prayers of praise. In many ways we have lost the emphasis on prayer in many of our evangelical churches.


My family knows the power of united prayer for without the prayers of many during my long illness of 2007-2008 and then again in early 2009, I would not be alive. Medical doctors cannot explain how I was healed. They know it was miraculous. 


The story can be read in When Life Comes Undone: Walking by Faith when Life is Hard and Hope is Scarce. The truth is that these situations come to us all at one time or another. The question when they come is do we have a group of friends who will pray passionately for our situation?


We take the power of prayer too lightly, at least in the west where we can rely on our own resources to fix things. But even with us, there comes a time when we have no other resource but Jesus. None. 


As I often say, "It is a wonderful thing to come to the place where we have nothing else to rely on but God. When all of our resources are  exhausted as eventually they are we have the one thing we have had all along: Jesus. And He is enough." I would not have said that before my own dark night of the soul but I have learned that not only is He enough but He is the single most important thing I need.


One of the greatest gifts we can give those around us is to become people of prayer for them. To lift those up in our circles who are hurting, who are sick, who are without hope, who are grieving or dealing with whatever real life has dealt them. It takes intentionality on our part but it is the very gift that we would ask for in our own dark night.


Prayer bring hope, it may well bring healing. It always brings the presence of a loving father. It brings us and those we pray for into the very throne room of the Lord of the universe. It brings a smile to God's face and a blessing on those we pray for. It is a hidden gift in that those we lift up may never know this side of eternity but they will know one day. 


We need one another and Jesus far more than we know. Let's lift up those who are need of God's intervention on a daily basis. Prayers of the people are beautiful on Sundays and necessary every day.

Want the loyalty of your staff? Consider these things.

Recently I wrote a blog on "The issue of staff loyalty," which had more hits than any blog in two years. Mostly because the loyalty that many leaders ask for is neither healthy or true loyalty. 

Here is the question I want to pose? How do leaders develop true and healthy loyalty among their staff. The answer is deeply counter intuitive and the opposite of how many leaders seek to enforce loyalty. In fact, loyalty cannot be forced or enforced. But it can be nurtured and developed. It is done, however, in just the opposite way that unhealthy leaders seek to enforce it.

These are some of the qualities that build high loyalty among staff. They are practices of healthy leaders.

I want the very best for my staff and their development.I will help them become everything they can be and at the same time hold them with an open hand should it be time for them to leave and take on a larger challenge. When that day comes I will celebrate with them and help them make a healthy transition.

I will encourage them to be their own people, speak their own minds and engage with me and the team in robust dialogue as long as there are no personal attacks or hidden agendas. Every person at my leadership table is there for a reason and I want all their intellectual capital, ideas and thoughts. It is an open, candid, collegial atmosphere.

I will encourage disagreement and push back and will never marginalize anyone for doing so. Loyalty is not that you agree with me but that you want the very best for the organization and are willing to do whatever it takes to help us get there. Rather than trying to control thoughts (which never works), I will encourage candid discussion of the issues knowing that this is how we get to the best solution. I will always send the message, "I want your opinion."

I will keep my word and model integrity and honesty. The commitments, lifestyle and treatment of people by leaders breeds either cynicism or respect. There is no loyalty without well earned respect by leaders. Leaders model the behaviors and commitments that they require of staff.

I will stay connected with them so that they know I care about them and appreciate their work. Disconnected leaders send a message of lack of appreciation. I cannot be the best buddy of my staff (and that is not healthy) but I can stay connected, interested and engaged in what they are doing. This also means that I will give regular feedback on how they are doing and remove barriers they face so they can be as productive as possible.

I will compensate them fairly for the job they do. Taking advantage of people by not paying them well or fairly for their work breeds discontent with good reason. 

I will not micromanage but empower well within understood boundaries. Empowerment is one of the most powerful keys to loyalty because it sends a message of trust, competence and the desire to allow one to use all of their gifts and creativity to accomplish the outcomes of their job. Micromanagement is deeply disempowering.

I will provide maximum clarity on what our ministry is about and how we intend to get to success. Clarity is empowering and releasing because with clarity people know what direction to go and they are released to help us get there. 

I will lead from influence rather than positional authority except in those rare instances where positional authority must be used. Positional authority can be a means of control while leading from influence is a means of mentoring and empowerment. Wherever possible we want staff to make appropriate ministry decisions within the boundaries they have been given.

I will not make unilateral decisions that impact my staff without talking to them. People do not like surprises. And, senior leaders may well not have thought through all the unintended consequences of decisions made for the organization. Thus I will always consult my senior leaders prior to any major directional or policy move so that it is us making the decision, not me.

I will be candid and truthful about issues related to the organization. Staff have the right to know what challenges the organization is dealing with. Unless it is confidential, good leadership does not hide issues or spin them but shares them candidly and honestly.

I will encourage loyalty to God and to the mission of the organization rather than to me as the leader. Our mission is the strongest glue that holds us together. Loyalty to the leader is never as strong as loyalty to the mission. Leaders can disappoint and leave.   Leaders who demand loyalty are leading from a narcissistic place while leaders who encourage loyalty to the mission are leading out of servant leadership.

Ironically, leaders who don't demand loyalty but serve in ways illustrated above are leaders who have the loyalty of their staff. They did not ask for it but they earned it. In fact, good leaders don't even think about developing staff loyalty to them. They simply serve their staff well.

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Relational Intelligence

I believe there is a direct connection between the health of a church or organization and the relational intelligence of its constituency. I would argue, for instance, that churches with high levels of conflict have poor relational skills while congregations with little to no ongoing conflict have a higher level of relational intelligence. 

Relational intelligence, a part of EQ or emotional intelligence, is the ability to relate to others in healthy ways, keep personal boundaries intact, negotiate conflict or differences with others without breaking relationship, be self defined personally about what one believes even when others would disagree and not get pulled into emotional triangles or enmeshment with others. If you think about it, the lack of these skills are large contributors to conflict and relational dysfunction.

Consider personal boundaries. Any number of individuals or groups would like to pull you into their orbit, take up their cause, believe their version of events and rope you into their issues. Healthy personal boundaries recognizes this when they see it and wisely hold their own counsel rather than get pulled into other issues. One of the major reasons that conflict escalates is the lack of healthy personal boundaries.

Or consider self definition - the ability to speak one's mind with clarity even when others may disagree. When there is poor relational intelligence, rather than being self defined, individuals communicate what they think others want to hear (for reasons of acceptance). The problem is that they often cater to their audience and end up giving false impressions as to what they really believe and say one thing to one group and another to another group which causes all kinds of confusion.

One of the most critical areas of relational intelligence goes to how we handle people who disagree with us. All too often when people disagree, they are cut off from friendships, marginalized if they are staff, and labeled as disloyal and troublemakers. Think of how destructive, painful, unloving and emotionally immature this is. It is a sign of someone who is not only emotionally immature but self absorbed because the core of this behavior is totally narcissistic. Because someone has not treated me well, or disagreed with me, or taken issue with me, I can no longer trust them, don't want to relate to them and thus I will marginalize them. Notice that it is all about me.

Whole churches get embroiled in conflict when this lack of relational intelligence prevails because those who don't agree with us become the enemy and relationships are severed. Staffs become dysfunctional when senior leaders display this behavior because they are dividing their staff into two camps, the loyal and disloyal and loyalty is usually defined as "they agree with me."

Interestingly, the New Testament has a great deal to say about relationships - healthy and unhealthy and it is the healthy that define good relational intelligence. Groups with high relational intelligence can differ on major issues but remain connected, loving and committed to one another. That is not true when there is poor relational intelligence which by definition divides, escalates conflict and destroys relationships.

I tend to give those with poor relational intelligence a very wide berth because I don't want to be caught up in their relational chaos. 

We need to talk more candidly with our congregations about what God honoring relationships look like and what behaviors are destructive and decidedly not God honoring. We also need to be far more proactive in training ministry staff on issues of relational intelligence. Either we allow a relational culture that defines itself (usually negatively) or we define a God honoring relational culture and help people understand what contributes to health and what contributes to dis- health. 

Good relational intelligence:

• Does not get pulled into others issues
• Is self defined and keeps one's own counsel
• Resists triangulation and enmeshment with others
• Stays in relationship when others disagree with them
• Is not threatened by disagreement
• Forgives easily and seeks forgiveness quickly
• Does not divide people into friend and enemy camps
• Gets one's relational clues from Scripture and Jesus
• Thinks of the other's perspective as much as their own
• Tries to put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand their point of view
• Places love and grace for others above their own concerns
• Lives out 1 Corinthians 13
• Treats everyone with dignity

Would it not be great if our congregations and organizations had that kind of relational intelligence? The higher the relational intelligence of our organization the healthier it will be but the opposite is also true.

"I knew I should have said something!"

I have heard that statement numerous times from staff or board leaders about a decision that was made that they knew was not a good idea but did not speak up. It only takes one individual who is willing to show up to stop a train that looks like it is gathering steam - toward a train wreck.


Especially is ministry there is a tendency toward optimistic thinking. That things will work out or we just need to have faith. But faith and optimism in foolish or reckless decisions is not faith but folly. 


Whenever we have a "check in our spirit" we ought to pay attention to it. That "check" or "doubt" may well be the Holy Spirit, or plain wisdom, saying, "Don't go there." "Speak up even if you lose the day." Never ignore the whisper of doubt when making an important decision.


We have a lot of group think on staffs and church and ministry boards. It is an unfortunate thing. The very reason that God designed church leadership as a "plurality of leaders" is that no one individual has the wisdom or gifts to lead alone. But group think circumvents that design by the group simply acting as one individual. Plurality in leadership only works well when each individual is willing, able and courageous enough to speak their minds and even to go against the flow when necessary.


This is not about being the "gadfly." It is about being an independent thinker who is able to speak honestly, candidly and truthfully even when that means raising uncomfortable questions that others don't want to raise. Often, if one individual has doubts, others do as well and the one who is courageous enough to speak gives others permission to speak as well.


One of the marks of good emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to be self defining. That is, to be able to state one own's opinion with conviction and clarity even if it is a lone voice. 


There are ministry leaders who exert a great deal of pressure for their boards or staff to go along with them. Healthy leaders and staff are respectful but independent thinkers who hopefully won't wish after the fact that they should have said something. 

Leadership fear and faith

Is there one key issue you know that you need to address in your organization that you have put off because of fear? The fear may be of dealing with the consequences, explaining to someone that they are not a good fit or needing to make a major shift that you know has unknowns attached to it.

Leadership fear that paralyzes action you know must be taken is not uncommon. You are in good company - but also dangerous company. Leaders suffer from it. Boards suffer from it. Fear is normal but not acting because of it is leadership default.

Inability to address necessary issues can increase with our longevity as leaders. The longer we have been in a position the more we have to lose if we rock the boat. So it is easy to look the other way or even to figure our successor will take care of it. If you inherited such issues from your predecessor you know how well that works!

Often our inability to act comes from confusing the issue we need to address with the question of how we should do it. These are two very different questions. The first question is what do we need to do and once we are clear on that the second is how do we do it. 

If you have an issue, don't ignore it but make a conscious decision as to what you need to do. Then, start thinking through the strategy for how you can best address it with as little fallout as possible.

Remember that doing the right thing honors God, is what we are called to do in our leadership roles and is critical to the health and missionality of the ministry. I have been amazed at how God has gone before me when I have done the right thing even if it was the hard thing. 

Being willing to address those issues we know we should address is not only a matter of courage but of faith. Do we believe that God honors leaders who do what is best? Do we trust him for the wisdom to do it in a way that is prudent? Do we believe that if He is prompting us to act that He will act on our behalf as well?

Most of us know when we need to act on something. The question is whether our faith or fear will win out. As Paul said, if God has given one the gift of leadership, lead!

The critical importance of exit interviews

One of the most neglected disciplines in many churches and ministry organizations is that of doing exit interviews when staff leave. In fact, in some cases, I believe that some leaders don't want to do candid exit interviews because they know they have a problem with retaining staff and frankly don't want to address it. Yet, had they conducted candid and confidential exit interviews they would know how to address the issue.


What can exit interviews tell you? First, they may tell you why a staff member is actually leaving. Let's be honest. In many cases in ministry settings staff don't reveal the actual reason they are leaving out of concern for the organization or because they are under pressure not to rock the boat. If there is an underlying reason for their exit related to the culture of the ministry it is a good thing for you to know this.


Second, if there is a dysfunctional staff situation, and you see trends (see my blog, When the bodies pile up), the exit interviews give you information that can be used to address whatever dysfunction exists. That is, if you truly desire to do so. In some cases, in spite of problematic trends, leaders simply ignore the problem not wanting to deal with it. However, common stories when people leave do give you some helpful data to address underlying issues.


You may also discover that your hiring processes are not robust enough if there is a trend of people who don't fit. Poor hiring practices lead to a higher attrition rate which is unfortunate for the staff member as well as the organization.


One thing to remember is that people may vent on their way out so their own experience can be colored by their issues. One problematic exit does not make a trend. Over time, however, if there are consistent themes around any issue of staff health or culture the exit interviews give you an opportunity to address it. 


As the leader of an organization, I take the feedback from staff who leave seriously. It gives us an opportunity to improve our culture and practices. I am given regular feedback from our personnel folks on trends that they pick up. Don't neglect your exit interviews. They are crucial to a healthy organization.

The quiet ministry of calling out the best in others

A question to ponder. Who saw potential in you and called it out of you? Who encouraged you in your growth and quietly mentored you? Whoever it was left a legacy not only in you but in all the people you have touched. 


Those who encourage and develop others are special people. Theirs is a ministry behind the scenes that gets little press but which has huge reward. It is a ministry that is other centered rather than self centered. And, it is a ministry that every one of us can have.


The story of the early church was easily dominated by one great figure - the Apostle Paul. As a theologian he defined much of its theology, as an apostle he planted key churches and as a developer of people he trained up the generation that would go after him. 


Think about this, however. Behind this giant was a quiet, unassuming gentleman by the name of Barnabas who took Paul under his wing when everyone else was afraid of him. It was Barnabas who taught Paul in the early days. It was Barnabas who introduced him to the other apostles and the church. It was Barnabas who encouraged and walked alongside Paul when others did not.


So who is more important in the story of the early church: Barnabas or Paul?


Barnabas saw potential in Paul when others did not. As he did with John Mark when Paul did not. I would suggest that Barnabas had a high level of spiritual discernment along with the patience and desire to develop others. His was not a flashy ministry but a ministry in the shadows that lifted others up. 


The development of others is a a humble ministry. It often goes unseen and unacknowledged - except by God. It's legacy is in the impact of those they encourage, develop and lift up. Those who see potential where others don't are like prospectors who know the vein of gold is somewhere beneath them. They have the heart of God who sees the potential in each one of us. And they have the patience to draw it out.


Few of us will be earth changing leaders. All of us can be life changing people who have the heart of Barnabas and who call out the best in others. 

The issue of staff loyalty

"Are they loyal to me?" is the question that many leaders ask themselves about their staff. Sometimes in conflictual situations, a leader will either ask or demand loyalty of their staff. In negotiating through conflict I have often heard the charge, "he or she is not loyal to me as their leader," which usually means they don't belong in the organization anymore.

I believe, by the way that loyalty is a good thing and that healthy organizations and leaders have a great deal of loyalty. There is a difference, however between loyalty and subservience. 

When I hear this kind of thing I always ask the question, "What is your definition of loyalty?" Some of the more interesting and problematic responses I have received are "that he/she agree with me," or "that they do what I tell them to do and how I tell them to do it." For others it means, "never question my decisions (implicitly or explicitly)." I find these problematic definitions because they remove the autonomy of thinking from the staff member and insist that they allow their leader to think for them. That, by the way is how cults start. And how many dysfunctional staffs operate.

In my experience, the removal of staff on a charge that they are not loyal is usually more of a reflection on an insecure or narcissistic leader than it is on the conduct of the staff member. Unless one  can demonstrate that an individual's behavior is harmful to the organization, labeling someone as "disloyal" and marginalizing or firing them is a reflection of an unhealthy leader rather than an unhealthy staff member who may simply be thinking for himself/herself and expressing themselves honestly. Beware of leaders who have a pattern of dismissing or marginalizing people on the basis of a lack of loyalty.

There are gradations of loyalty. Our highest loyalty cannot truly be to any person but it is to God. Thus, if any individual, leader or not, asks us to violate a moral or ethical standard or skirt the truth our loyalty to God trumps our willingness to do as we have been asked even if out of "loyalty."

Our next highest level of loyalty is to the mission of the organization we work for. If I don't believe in the mission of my organization and cannot be loyal to that cause I am in the wrong spot. So while I work for the most empowering leader ever, I do not serve because of him but because of the cause of the organization. He makes it a joy to work for the organization and I might not be there under another leader.

So what about loyalty to our leaders? One dictionary defines loyalty as "Faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend."  Notice that it is couched in the term faithfulness and only to a person or cause that is "deserving of fidelity." In other words, loyalty cannot be demanded but it can be deserved and earned.

But take this one step further. What does faithfulness to a leader entail? It certainly means that we want the very best for them and for the organization they lead. Thus there will be times when we specifically do not agree with them if a decision they are making is going to hurt them or the organization. Loyalty by definition speaks up (respectfully) when one is concerned about and issue. It does not stay passively silent and supportive. Loyalty means that my leaders trusts me to be supportive of him/her and the organization, and not to do anything that would undermine it or them. 

In our organization, I would want these characteristics from our staff: Loyalty to the cause, respect for and cooperation with those who lead, and nothing that undermines either the mission or those who lead including cynicism and mistrust. Honesty and candidness in communication with the best of the organization always in mind. 

I also have a set of expectations for leaders toward those on their teams. Loyalty and respect go two ways.

Leaders who demand loyalty no matter what are merely looking for "yes" people who will do their bidding. Healthy leaders want to be respected but they want their staff to be honest, candid and to think for themselves - and speak up when needed. Unhealthy leaders categorize staff into two camps: those for me or against me - a dysfunctional definition of loyalty and disloyalty. Those who do this lose the support of healthy staff and build a staff of people who know that they cannot cross their leader.  

For better or for worse and 13,140 bricks

When Mary Ann and I said those five words 36 years ago we said them with great conviction, hope and optimism but knowing nothing about their true implications - because we had no idea what the better or worse would entail. The better has been better than we could have imagined and the worse has been worse than we ever anticipated. It has simply been 36 years of real life not understood or anticipated at the tender age of 20.


For better or for worse are powerful words because it is in the better and the worse that two individuals forge the most powerful partnership and abiding mature love. I think of every day of marriage as a brick in a wall. After one year we had 365 bricks laid. Today we have 13,140. After year one we had a small fragile wall. Today we are on our way to a strong fortress. Some of those bricks were laid easily and some with great cost. But each one, sealed with the mortar of commitment builds a stronger wall: one brick at a time.


This is why we honor people who have been married for many years. We know that it was not an easy journey and we celebrate those who have been able to make the long journey together.


It is easy for our marriages to go on auto pilot. But stop and think of the fortress you are building together one day at a time. Every day, every brick, strengthens the marriage and ironically while we love the great times, it is the hard times that bring the strongest bond. Fighting battles together builds a bond that is hard to break - if we fight them together and not alone.


Grace, forgiveness and patience figure prominently into those bricks and mortar. Cracks in the wall if ignored will eventually cause its failure and collapse. Ignore the cracks and they get worse. Fix them and the wall is again strong. It takes attention, remedial action and sometimes the rebuilding of sections of the wall. Sections rebuilt are particularly precious because someone took the time to fix what was broken and make it whole. Rebuilding can be some of the hardest work but when finished some of the most satisfying.


The strongest walls are made between three people, not two - by inviting the Holy Spirit into our relationships. Through His transformation our sin is not only dealt with in forgiveness but our very character is changed over time into His. His presence makes all the difference in the health and growth of our relationships.


I intend to build a fortress with Mary Ann. What are you building?

Image management or heart management

All of us to one extent to another seek to manage our image. We want to look the best to others. In its most extreme forms, image management becomes narcissism and the inability to admit fault or to say "I was wrong." In its milder forms it manifests itself in not being fully transparent even when we are with safe people. We like to manage our image and we want people to see the managed version of us rather than the full and real us.


Think about this, however. Image management is simply about managing the outward appearance of our lives. It is no less "spin" than what we see Hollywood and government do every day. Image management is about making the outward facade of our lives look good. And it is totally the wrong focus.


What should concern us is heart management, not image management. If we manage our hearts well, we have no need to manage our image because what is inside will be what is manifested outside. Image management is only necessary when we have not managed our hearts and therefore need to make our outer self look clean knowing that there is an inner self that is not.


This is why Jesus called the Pharisees "whitewashed tombs" (nice on the outside and a corpse on the inside) and told us that what comes out of a man is simply a manifestation of what is in his heart. Manage our hearts, or as the Proverbs says, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life" and image management is no longer necessary. 


Here is the irony. Image management is a clue to us that we are neglecting something in our hearts. That neglect causes us to need to pretend all is well. If we find ourselves managing our image we ought to reflect on what it is that we are hiding from others and why. And rather than putting our energy into managing our image, we can put it to work managing our heart. 

Quiet, patient, faithful courage

There are a segment among us who we need to encourage and give honor to. It is those who live with long term illness and pain and who endure it with patient, faithful courage. The cross they take up daily is a hard one because for many it is a constant one all day, every day.


Few things train us to trust God more fully than ongoing unremitting pain. Paul prayed that God would take His away and God declined saying that His strength was made perfect in His weakness. My dear friend Ann lives with it as she struggles with cancer treatments as does another friend Roger. 


What amazes me is how they handle it with a grace that seems supernatural - and that is exactly the case. It is the daily presence of Jesus and their trust in Him which makes all the difference. But the choice to press into Him daily is no less hard.


My friend, Joni Erikson Tada talks about the inner struggle she faces every morning when she wakes up and has to face the long and painful process of getting ready for her day. Every day she must make a choice and many days it is a hard choice that is a matter of sheer will.


The church needs to come alongside those who struggle with ongoing unremitting pain. Prayer, visits, practical help, meals, words of encouragement (and not flip encouragement or glib statements about God's presence). 


I pray for those who live a quiet, patient, faithful and courageous life with deep pain. I count them as heroes who know what it is to walk a hard path. I count them lucky for the grace they daily experience in the hard places. Don't ignore those in your midst who walk this path.

Persuasion or pushing: Know the difference

Have you ever met someone whose persuasive gifts left you feeling deflated, disempowered, demeaned or coerced after a conversation where they were trying to convince you to agree with them or a course of action they wanted to take? Consider this: that feeling is not simply the feeling of being outgunned by a persuasive leader. Rather, they crossed a line from persuasion to pushing you into submission. That is why you left the conversation feeling demeaned or manipulated.

In my younger years, I could be guilty of this at times, having been a debater in High School who did quite well in that arena. It worked not so well in my marriage and with others however!

The art of persuasion is an important one for a leader, especially those who choose to lead out of influence rather than from positional power. Persuasion, however, should never be manipulative. It is the ability to move people's thinking their way by making a strong and reasoned case for what they suggesting. It never seeks to force the other party to see things their way.

Persuasion crosses a line from healthy to pushy when the force of the argument starts to feel manipulative and coercing to the other party. Now it is not persuasion by reasoned thinking but by force of personality. And when we feel violated by a leader in a conversation it is usually because they have crossed that line and we don't feel we have a way to maneuver within the conversation.. Healthy leaders never try to force others to agree.

What can one do when confronted with a force of personality that starts to feel manipulative or coercive? If you are on the receiving end consider these kinds of approaches.

"Jim, I am feeling like the only OK response is to agree with you. Do I have the option of disagreeing on this matter?"

"Susan, I am feeling like you are pushing very hard for me to agree with you. Is there a reason you feel so strongly on this?"

"John, it feels like you have put me in a corner where I must agree with you. I am not on the same page on this issue so can you give me some space to make an independent decision?"

"Bill I am feeling pressured by you on this and it does not feel good."

By asking the questions or making the statements, the goal is to help the other party understand how you are feeling about the conversation and bring down the level of pressure. You may also discover the reasons that the other party feels so strongly on the issue. Either way, it usually reopens the conversation on a different tenor which is a good thing.

True Acccountability

I have mixed feelings about accountability relationships. If someone wants to hide things they will and they will lie to your face if they have been hiding things from others. People do it all the time. The fact that one has an "accountability relationship" does not keep it from happening. It is a matter of the heart, not the "system" to keep us on the straight and narrow. People who are into image management will be untruthful in order to protect their image. All of us are capable of lying to others!


True accountability comes out of a commitment to be transparent with a group of trusted friends because we choose to and want to. In other words, the real accountability comes not from the outside and others but from the inside and us. It is not something imposed but something chosen for the sake of our spiritual lives. And, it comes out of deep trusting relationships with people who we know will call out the best in us. 


True accountability is not a program. It is a frame of reference that desires to be in community with like minded people for the sake of the pilgrimage we are all on. It desires to both influence others and be influenced by others who have the same Jesus commitment. It is not a checklist of questions but rather a life on life relationship where who we are rubs off on those we are committed to and who they are rubs off on us. It comes out of relationship and a heart that   wants to go the distance with others who are on the same path.


I want the relationships of true accountability as a lifestyle and not as a program or checklist. I want to travel with fellow pilgrims who will call out the best in me and with whom I can call out the best in return.

Giving credit away

Leaders take way too much credit for their success for in reality our success when we see it is less a factor of what we have done and more a factor of what our team has done. That is not a statement of false humility but one of true reality. 


We as leaders may set the pace and direction but it is staff and teams who through collaborative effort make things happen. Too often, however, we are content to take the credit for success rather than lifting up those who did the hardest work, our team. By far, good work in execution is harder than good work that leaders do in setting the direction.


Giving credit away is not always a public thing. The simple act of thanking a staff member for what they are doing with specific explanation of how their contribution has made a difference is a powerful conversation. Many would prefer that over public recognition. And it lets staff know that you have noticed what they do, are aware of their work and deeply appreciate it.


Doing something nice for your team, something that actually costs something once in a while also sends a powerful message. Even in an age of frugality, splurging once in a while on your staff says, "I appreciate you and your work." 


Leaders are often visited by other leaders. Make a point to introduce those who visit you with members of your team that are present in the office. You send a dual message by doing so: to your staff that they are important and to your visitors that you value your staff. 


Finally make it a point to greet your staff and ask about their personal lives and family. They are not simply valuable because they work for you but because they are God's son or daughter. Treat them like you would a family member by showing interest in them as persons, not simply as employees.


If team means anything it means sharing credit with those who together with you make things happen. Your loyalty and appreciation to them will make them loyal and appreciative of you and your leadership. Be generous in sharing credit.

When all options are bad options

Let me pose an interesting dilemma. There are times that we face situations in our ministries where a crisis has occurred, or a decision must be made and all available options seem to be bad options. 

Here is an example: There is a financial crisis that must be fixed but the pain of fixing it is going to be painful because there are no good options. Any and all decisions on the table are hard decisions that will bring some kind of pain. Or you have a personnel decision that needs to be dealt with but there seems to be no upside in the choices you have in dealing with it. There are times when the only choices we have are bad choices.

I have seen a variety of responses to situations where all the options are bad options. One response is for leaders to not act at all because they want a good option and they see none. Humanly speaking this is understandable as none of us want to deal with the fallout of bad options. Of course, this simply delays the inevitable and the options rarely get better by waiting. 

The exception is with personnel issues where waiting can be a viable option if behaviors known to a few become evident to many by giving the issue time thus minimizing the fallout when a decision is made. However, this is not ignoring the issue but choosing to wait on the issue - a strategic difference.

A second response is to face the bad options realistically and choose the best of the bad options. This is often true in financial situations or where a staff member has caused a situation that is going to be painful to address no matter what. 

I recently moderated such a situation internationally where there was not going to be an outcome that was going to be good for either party because of past decisions that others had made. While closure was needed, it was going to be a closure that both parties had to swallow hard to accept. This is often the case in church conflict situations as well where the conflict has become so complicated and contentious that in the short term all that will be experienced is pain. 

There is good news however. If leaders will wisely choose a course of action knowing they have no good current options, and knowing that there will be short term pain, there can be long term gains simply because they were willing to do the hard work of tackling the issue in spite of the pain in the process. Choosing the best of bad options today can lead to closure and health down the line. 

At times, leadership is nothing more than choosing between bad and painful options. But being willing to make the choice for the sake of a healthier future.

Ends, means and everything in between

I don't meet many leaders who at the end of the day don't claim that they want the best results for the organization or team they lead. To the best of their ability, their motivations are reasonable (who of us knows all of our real motivations?). However, I do meet leaders whose means of achieving their desired ends do not meet the ethical standards that we would want in the ministry world.

As leaders, we spend considerable time thinking about where we want to lead our organizations. Wise leaders spend an equal amount of time thinking through how they get to those goals and that their means are as noble as their goals. If we sacrifice the means for the ends we have sacrificed our credibility and often our personal ethics. Or, we skate the ethical edge.

The challenge for leaders in this are several.

First, leaders are focused on the end goals. If the end goals are right and healthy all is good. That focus, however, can manifest itself in impatience to get where we want to go quickly and quickly often means cutting corners. Those corners may be the violation of people - using them instead of serving them, or ethics or finances or any number of ways we can get to where we want to go. Getting to the right place is only one half of the equation. Getting there in a healthy manner is the other half. 

Second, leaders are usually pragmatic. In itself this is a good thing and a mark of a leader.  There are enough visionary leaders who don't know how to get from point A to point B to point C. However, there are pragmatic decisions and strategies that are ethical and healthy and pragmatic decisions that work but which are not ethical or healthy. Pragmatism that violates ethical standards, violates people or is simply unwise is unhealthy and will undermine the moral authority of leaders.

Third, leaders are often impatient. On one hand this can be healthy because without healthy impatience, nothing important is likely to get done. Inertia is ubiquitous since people like the predictable and comfortable while leaders should bring a sense of urgency to their organization. On the other hand, impatience can cause leaders to push faster and harder than the organization can reasonably move. Under pressure, people start using other people or choose to look away from questionable decisions or strategies under the guise of achieving our ends and getting there quickly.

The best leaders monitor carefully the ends they pursue and the means that the organization uses to meet those ends. Both are equally important and both require a great deal of thought and diligence. No ends, however noble, are worthy of means that do not meet the same noble and ethical standards.

Here are some questions leaders should ask all the time regarding the means to their ends:
1. Am I using people or serving and leading people? 
2. Is there anything we do that skirts ethical boundaries or could look to others like we are?
3. Do we always tell the truth no matter what?
4. If we had to open our financial books to Jesus, would He be OK with what he sees? Would those around us?
5. Do we have an open and candid atmosphere where others can ask questions, question decisions or share concerns?
6. Do I as a leader have any twinges of conscience regarding how we do what we do? 
7. Do I have a hard time explaining my strategies or decisions to others and having them understand and accept them?
8. Am I OK if someone questions me on an ethical, financial or staff matters?

Jesus and our pain

Guest blogger and partner, Mary Ann Addington

Co-Author of When Life Comes Undone

Last night as I was getting ready to fall asleep I was listening to 

John 11 from the YouVersion  app (LifeChurch TV).  It was one of those times when hearing it delivered in a novel way helped me to understand it in a new light.  

Three things stood out in a new way: First, how intentional Jesus was in letting Lazarus die.  Verse 5-6,”Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.  So that when he heard that he was sick, He stayed two days longer in the place where he was.”  Jesus had a purpose in allowing Lazarus to die and He knew that He would raise Lazarus from the dead.

Second, Jesus wept.  John 11:35 is the verse all kids love to get credit for memorizing.   Jesus had been confronted by Martha and then Mary for not showing up when they needed him and allowing their brother to die.  Jesus is not offended by their rebuke and gently reminds Martha that He is the resurrection and the life.   Mary, Martha, and Lazarus’s home in Bethany was a place where Jesus could just hang out over a good meal and enjoy the human pleasure of friendship.  When Jesus wept it was not for the death of a friend that he loved because he already knew that Lazarus would live again, but He wept for the pain in the hearts of his friends.

Third, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and in doing so triggered the conspiracy by the chief priests and Pharisees to kill him.  It would have been a whole lot simpler to stay on the banks of the Jordan River and avoid that whole mess.

Like Martha and Mary there have been times in life when I have asked, “Why Lord?  Why did I have miscarriages instead of daughters?  Why did my mom have to die a long and painful death after a car accident?  Why do we still live with the results of serious illness? Why do we have to live with pain?   I don’t get why you allow babies to die, why people I love suffer and die; why there is so much cruelty and injustice.”  We all have heard people say if God is so good why does he allow bad things to happen to good people?  Why does life hurt so much some times?

In allowing evil God allowed each of us to choose to love Him and live for Him.  In coming to earth and dying and rising again Jesus provided the ultimate solution for evil and the opportunity for each of us to “rise again on the last day,” as Martha said.  

God could intervene in every situation and save us from them, but chose instead to provide a much bigger solution that lasts for eternity.  It would have been a lot less messy for Jesus never to enter into our problem of pain and evil and to suffer and die for a problem he had nothing to do with starting.  He could have stayed distant and fixed millions of painful situations without feeling the pain or effort of really getting in the mess of life with us.

Jesus wept.  Not for his loss, but for our pain.  When we cry out in pain, Jesus weeps with us.  He fully bought into our brokenness and he walks with us through the mess of our pain.  Sometimes when a prayer group I am a part of is praying for a victim of abuse or other hard situations we will ask them to ask Jesus where he was when it was happening .  So far, in our experience, they can always find him and he is always weeping with them in their pain.

Jesus came to earth and got into the messy business of humans.  Jesus suffered and died a messy death to provide a solution for the ultimate cause of our pain.  Jesus rose again bringing the promise of our own resurrection and eternal life.  Jesus wept and still weeps with us in our pain.